Thursday, August 8, 2002, 12:05 a.m.

Stressed...

Boards is a little less than 2 weeks away and closing fast. I've started to feel the burnout from the endless hours or reading, practice test-taking and relative isolation. I feel stressed and i know i'm very stressed out. For the last few weeks i've been feeling worse day by day, more moody, agitated, easily angry, depressed and withdrawn. I'velost a lot of my sense of humor, and the mood to really talk to anyone online, and when certain ppl try to msg me, i get mad and just want to be left alone. Other times i want to reach out and talk to someone but stop because i'm not really sure where to start, so i end up thinking of silly little things to say and cover up whats really on my mind. I've already grown to despise many of the ppl that i've talked to and known online, irc, whatever, and part of it is, things that have always bothered me are magnified, and also a lot of it is really just displaced feelings about the way i feel about myself; a lotta insecurity and some self-disgust.

I had to think about this for a while because i wasn't sure if i was just flipping my lid and kissing my sanity bye bye, but the more i think about it when i have a clear head, i'm pretty sure its the pressure and stress of the current situation. Plus i've had the poor timing of having old fears of abandonment and rejection well up at a really lousy time, which is why i've been feeling so withdrawn as well. I want to be able to lean on someone's shoulder, unload, decompress a little and speak my mind, but i've got this crazy fear that if i try and no one responds, or worse yet, blows me off, it'll tip me over the edge. So as a safety mechanism i've just chosen not to speak to anyone at all. It isn't very fun, and i know i could deal with it if i really tried, but right now, i think i am just dominated by a lotta different fears. Its even led to the perception that a lot of my friends have drifted away from me. Part of it is my fault too, i've grown a lot more snappy, less forgiving and tolerant, and i've become very quick to jump on little things that ppl say, making me less than pleasant company. I've start to grow more abrasive just for the sake of growing abrasive. Part of me truly doesn't give a crap, but i'm also worried that i'm driving people away because they don't know whats going on inside my head.

All i can really do is write this down while i have the clarity to spell out my words, and hopefully i can go back and look at this again and use it as a mental and emotional anchor when i really don't know what to do.

Two more weeks, i feel like i need more time, yet i'm almost relieved i'll be getting this over with for good.

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Wednesday, August 7, 2002, 05:13 p.m.

Finally done!

I wish i could say that about board exams, but i've finished all the MKSAP test questions at least and the review book i've been reading for the last few weeks. 950 pages of review book and 1300 pages of practice questions and answers. Ouch, i'm really not in the mood to go back to those anytime soon. I think i'll take a break from the studies for today.

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Sunday, August 4, 2002, 06:55 p.m.

Name that tune

By sheer chance and a typo on a mp3 search while using WinMX, i came across some anime theme supereurobeat megamixes and downloaded one and gave it a listen to. Surprisingly i like it and downloaded the other 3 i could find. The themes are all drawn from various shows from a 20 year span and it is a good nostalgia trip for fans of old skool and new shows alike. I found myself have a hard time identifying a lot of show themes and worse yet, there were several i did recognize, but the name of the show was on the tip of my tongue, trapped. I decided to stop wasting my own brainpower on this, as i have too much to do, and posted on the BFU board to let them take a stab at it and fill in the missing gaps. I'll probably do this with all four megamixes or until people get sick of doing my legwork for me...

The 'name those anime themes' challenge was posted here.

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Sunday, August 4, 2002, 03:56 p.m.

Hot day number 3

I may be complaining and ranting about a lot of things these days, but being out in the stifling heat once again actually made the grateful to be alive and thankful for a lot of things. First that i have gone as far as i have in life with the support of my family and a lot of other people. Second that i have a nice A/C sanctuary to get away from this awful heat, unlike some unfortunate people. Third, that i am not one of the poor yokels who is sitting out in that baking sun for 6 hours watching the big NASCAR race, the Brickyard 400, today. And finally fourth, that i am off today to enjoy my air conditioning and not be at work to treat what will likely be an epidemic of heat stroke and heat-induced heart attacks that will come pouring into all the local hospitals today, including the one that i work at.

Yes, thank goodness for a lot of things. I feel much better today.

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Saturday, August 3, 2002, 11:23 p.m.

Welcome to the jungle

It is too damn hot and humid out there. I mean really humid! When you step out of an A/C building at 11 pm and it still feels like a disgusting sauna outside, thats humid. I hope it ends soon.

Now i just found out today that a black mark on my credit history that i thought was long gone was never removed even thought i payed off a delinquent CC balance (which i refused to pay for almost 8 months because it was charged off a stolen credit card and i was trying to get the investigators to work with me on credit fraud). It soured my mood for the afternoon and cast me back into a long nap that put me out until 8 pm. There went my study time for the day. Maybe i'll study some more later tonight.

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Wednesday, July 31, 2002, 09:50 p.m.

Totally random thought of the day

I was thinking about something, and someone may correct me if i'm wrong, but, to me a genius is someone who possesses a quality, ability that far exceeds that of the average person, and at a level beyond that which can be achieved by pure work and effort alone. Yet, in order to fully exploit the upper limits of this talent, the possessor often has to push it to the limits, riding a fine threshhold between success and complete failure and burnout. Almost like a race car engine, designed for monstrously high output, but not really designed to last. Always being pushed hard, to the very edge of mechanical failure, the tricky part being not to cross that line. Is it small wonder why some of the genuises, especially the intellectual ones of our last several generations, were considered, eccentric, insane even? Its almost as if their one overwhelming talent comes at a cost, the cost to function normally in other aspects. Makes me wonder why parents (asian ones anyway) would want to have genius kids. Its not like they really deserve that much credit for creating that ability, its either there or it isn't. Furthermore, to have someone with a phenomenal ability at the age of 4...what the hell is that really good for anyway? Flashforward to when they become adults, how many of them are truly phenomenal still? Once you set an impossibly high bar in your life, is it small wonder that when you live the remainder of it, you're perceived as going downhill? Something ironic and sad about that.

I've had my moments of madness too, but i think that came as a product of lack of sleep and too much caffiene more than anything else. Other people use slightly more illegal (read: drugs) mediums to stimulate the old gray matter. I really don't know why i thought about this, because prior to that, all i could think about was why do i keep drinking milk when i am so flagrantly lactose intolerant...?

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Tuesday, July 30, 2002, 08:00 p.m.

Its party time again~

Actually i have to spend most of it studying like a dog, but thats ok, i have 6 days off from work which is a longer weekend than most ppl get. I decided to substitute my usual weights/treadmill workout with a stroll down to GW and hit the DDR machine. I swear after an hour and a half of interrupted play i was about to drop dead. I think being up for the last 28 hours with a short nap in between will do that.

I was browsing online and saw a couple great ideas for desktop PCs. I wouldn't mind something like the WRX PC or the Skyline PC. This is one of the inspired moments that garners true praise from myself.

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Saturday, July 27, 2002, 06:43 a.m.

Breakfast of Champions

I love the cafeteria at work. Not only are they open most of the night when i'm around, and the cashiers let me slip by when i don't have *exactly* the right change or pick up one too many items, but they have breakfast to greet me at the end of the day and its CHEAP too. I swear i had a whole plate of food (eggs, sausages, hash browns and such) and it cost me less than $1.25. I don't think i'll bother eating breakfast at home again. Hell, maybe i'll even drive there on the mornings of my day off, just to eat.

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Saturday, July 27, 2002, 01:46 a.m.

Whoops, jumped the gun again...

I think its time for me to put on my 'I am impatient and stupid hat' again. In fact i may need to get a second one because the one i have on now is getting worn out from overuse =P

I ordered a full set of Infinity Kappa speakers for my car, which are supposed to be a pretty nice set for a pretty nice price. I decided to go the ebay route to save myself $100 or so and yeah i bid on the sizes i thought i needed and patted myself on the back. Of course i do a little hw later to confirm speaker sizes and now i'm more confused than ever. After speaking to about 3 or 4 sources, i get 3 or 4 different answers and none from anyone i find particularly reliable too. Theres nothing i can really do, but pay for the damn things and wait until they arrive, pull a door panel off and then start scratching my head figuring out how this is going to work. This is almost as bad as me throwing $80 down the drain on an auto alignment job at the dealership where they confirmed my aligment was off, yet they didn't do a damn thing because the numbers fit within their wide factory specs.

'Oh don't worry your right leg is short than your left by 2 inches and you keep walking around in circles, its still within factory tolerance limits' *rolls eyes*

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Friday, July 26, 2002, 04:45 a.m.

Simpsons quiz

Someone said this test was hard, but i scored a 92% with the avg being only 67% and i did it in under 5.5 min with the avg completion time being over 8 min.

Thursday, July 25, 2002, 03:15 a.m.

Who wants to live forever?

Around 2 am, i was called to see Mrs O'nan, this lady who i admitted to the coronary care unit last night. Shes a sweet old lady in her 70s with a really crappy heart, awful atherosclerosis and needed bypass surgery in a big way. The irony was, that she was in such bad shape that she wouldn't be able to survive open heart surgery, so she was stuck in the proverbial spot between the rock and hard place. Living day by day, sometimes on the edge, she found herself back in the ER last night with more heart problems and i went to see and admit her into the hospital. From what i was reading about her from our records, i was expecting a complete mess. In a way she was a big mess, but also sharp as a nail, very nice, very matter of fact, and just tired of the way she's living her life. She said one thing to me as we were wrapping things up that was heartbreaking. 'You know, when i had that chest pain, it was like nothing i had before, and right then and there i was hoping that would be the big one, i was hoping that i could die right then and just get it over with.' It was strange cause i almost felt a tear well up when i heard that, and not because i felt that she was being horribly pessimistic and needed to be helped out of some pit of dispair, but because she was smart enough to know what a shitty position her health has left her in. I couldn't help but agree with what she said and if i was in the same boat, thats exactly how i would have felt too. As much as i wanted to, i wanted to tell her that i could understand where she was coming from and that her life was indeed kind of a miserable thing and i would like nothing more than to see her pain and suffering stop. The problem is, wouldn't that be almost a Kevorkian-like thing to say? I don't want to wish her life to end or help bring it to and end, but i thought sadly that maybe life/fate/karma/whatever could have cut her a little break and maybe given her what she wished. Those who say 'you gotta live no matter what, no matter the cost' have good intentions, but sometimes are just clueless. I hope i never become that clueless.

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Thursday, July 25, 2002, 12:15 a.m.

Think i need to quit IRC again...

I dropped off the IRC map a couple months ago for a few different reasons, including personal issues with specific people and the need to get my butt in gear as i am studying and memorizing (or trying to) an insane amt of info for my exam (3.5 weeks and counting!). I started falling back into my old habits again as i've found some of my nights at work have these very slow periods where i do nothing for 3-4 hours at a time. IRC is a lot like those nasty chinese buffets that seem to exist on every street corner now. I think they're going to give Starbucks and McDs a run for their franchise money someday. You know you shouldn't even do it, and when you do, its like endless consumption without having the willpower to stop, ignoring your brain's signals that you're 'full'. I started getting those feelings again when i felt guilt and embarassment having wasted the last 2 hours of time taking in pointless convo-babble that really didn't interest me or trying to keep up conversations with folks who were too distracted/too busy/ or just weren't in the mood to talk to me, and me taking personal offense to it. Plus it kind of hit me hard when i spoke to another friend who said he was quitting IRC hopefully for good once he goes overseas for a while, calling everyone on the channels 'a bunch of fucking losers'. What he said was kinda harsh, but i think he was really referring to himself, being unemployed for the last year and unable to find a new job here, he knew he was stuck in a rut and IRC was not an answer to any of his problems. Now i can't say my picture is quite as bad, but i kind of feel the same, and need to do some other things with my time, or at least not absorb other people's meaningless chatter for hours on end and just keep ties with my friends and those who i care about.

btw, it just happens to be another slow night at work, and i'm kind of annoyed there are no copies of the New England Journal of Medicine, or NEJM for short, in this hospital library. Its kind of like the New York Times of medical journals, compared to all the USA Todays and North Dakota Frozen-Ass-Funny-Accent papers out there.

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Wednesday, July 24, 2002, 10:36 p.m.

Hey, is that an Evo?

While i was dropping off a movie at Blockbuster, i got a nice compliment from the owner of a Porsche 911 who really liked my car. He started asking me several questions about the year, the engine and i had fun chit chatting with him for a few minutes. Of course the first question he asked was 'hey, is that a new Evo?' and i quickly corrected him with a smile, but hey, i've heard a lot stupider questions than that.

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Tuesday, July 23, 2002, 12:13 a.m.

Living the night life

Life the past 3 weeks has confirmed that i am a complete night owl and i'd much rather be up and awake during the graveyard hours of the day rather than share time with all the daywalkers. Part of it is the more relaxed and less pressured atmosphere of it all, not seeing a lot of rush and bustle, and having the freedom, whether i am at home, on the road, or at work, without dealing with huge crowds of people. Maybe deep down inside i am just antisocial and prefer not to deal with the masses cause of my personality, regardless of the time of day. I agree there are a lot of days where i have that tendency. This past saturday i went t some all night DDR marathon that was being run for charity purposes (gotta do it for the sick kids you know?) and after a few hours, the noise, the crowds and the generally cooped up feeling of the arcade, got to me and i needed to get out, not really getting into the whole party feel. So i was one of the first ones to skip out early. Maybe i was just getting old and tired easily too, who knows. Now that i'm back at work, there's almost this odd rush of relief that i'm back to hitting the sack when the sun rises and waking up in the middle of the afternoon. Trying to live normal hours last week was hell on my mind and my body and in some ways, my time off isn't that great, except hey, time off from work is always nice. I think i'll feel better once i get boards out of the way too.

On a different note, UPS can once again kiss my ass, because, according to somebody's infinite wisdom, a 2 day package that was sent out over 4 days ago, was finally scheduled to be delivered to my place but did not end of making it. Strike one for them. Strike two was the fact that it had originally arrived at the proper distribution center closest to my home, but for some odd reason, got redirected to a center on the *wrong* side of town about 20 miles away. Strike three is that the package then was sent out at 9 am and *still* couldn't make it to my apartment 10 hours later!! Someone over there needs a beating, maybe a few. Sometimes i think they're a bunch of overpaid idiots.

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