Thursday, January 2, 2003, 10:07 p.m.

Life does not have a reset button, but...

While i was watching the weather forecast on the 10 o'clock news, they go to a story about the first local murder of the year. Some 14 year old neighborhood kid minding his own business, shot in the head by a rifle bullet fired by an unknown gunman. It seemed random yet disturbingly intended. I didn't know what to think or how to feel when i heard this story. For this kid's family i feel for them having suffered such a horrible loss so soon after the new years, supposedly a time of hope and new chances. Yet, i was upset that 'the first murder of the year' seems like some milestone story that was on the schedule, no matter who the victim was. Sometimes i wonder how much i want to know at any given time.

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Thursday, January 2, 2003, 08:16 p.m.

Today is 1/2/3

I don't have very much to say today, but i thought i had to point out the date, especially since there hasn't been a cool date like that since 1/01/01 and there wont be another like it for a while. I feel pretty exhausted, running on a couple hours of sleep, flying back from the bay area on a red eye flight. Had a great time out there and drove every which way in northern cal. Although visiting people and partying was fun, i think one of my favorite moments was visiting a friend's neighborhood and old stomping grounds which i had never seen before. Before i go back to work tommorow, i have to fulfill this need to watch 'Lilo and Stitch'.

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Monday, December 30, 2002, 06:00 p.m.

Not that left, the other left!

Minneapolis/St.Paul, the twin cities. I really don't know much about this place except that it has a really large mall and is one of the coldest places in the lower 48 states during wintertime. One more thing i've learned is that the airport kicks ass because it has wireless internet access setup at the terminal for bored travellers stuck with a 3 hr layover like myself. I'm celebrating a 2nd new years eve in northern california and looking forward to it. I made few plans and decided to play things by ear for the next couple days. So i'm sitting here at a cubicle like workstation with a nice window view of the runways and another 90 minutes prior to boarding. I grabbed some lunch in the terminal pub and set next to this nice looking gentleman in his 50s who was reading some book i couldn't see. While i was waiting for my food i pulled out my copy of Stupid White Men by Michael Moore and started leafing thru the next chapter. I couldn't complete the thought 'Michael Moore is the *blank* version of Rush Limbaugh' because i couldn't remember if liberals represented the political left or right. So i decided to ask the man next to me, making the assumption that with his well groomed, white, republican, educated appearance, he'd probably know. So after being reminded that liberals were the left here, i also learned an interesting tidbit; that in communist nations the left is actually the conservative side. We got to talking for a little while and by coincidence it turned out he lived in Michigan, used to be a CEO for GM and was intimately familiar with the making of Moore's first movie 'Roger and Me' and lived about 30 miles away from Moore's summer home. I had a really pleasant time finishing up food and beer and wished him well on his way back to MI. I still have over an hour left before they start boarding announcement, so i think i'll enjoy the window view and watch a little movie.

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Tuesday, December 24, 2002, 06:51 p.m.

I'm dreaming of a white christmas...

Actually not really. I haven't put much stock into sentimental holidays for the last several years since i've had to work every Xmas since 99. It's another xmas eve yet again and i'm sitting here at work, where everything is deathly quiet. I expect nobody will want to roll into the ER tonight or tommorow. Working tonight doesn't make me feel sad at all, but i do miss the people i keep close to my heart, wondering if they're enjoying the holidays. While i was flipping thru the tv channels i caught the weather report and was shocked when they gave the snow forecast. Originally i heard there would be 1-3 inches of snow over the next couple days, a light flurry really. Now they said we should expect at least 5-7 inches tonight alone. Unlike some people, i get really excited at the prospect of fresh powder on the road because thats when i get to have fun in the car. Its a shame i'm at work but i might be able to take a spin out early in the morning.

I hope everyone i know has a wonderful Christmas.

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Tuesday, December 17, 2002, 12:11 a.m.

Long live the Republic!

I just finished watching the BBS miniseries I, Claudius on DVD. I bought the box set nearly a year ago after reading the book by Robert Graves, but i never quite had the patience to sit down on watch it. You know how british historical miniseries can be, a little on the dry side. It took a while to get rolling, but once it did i was hooked and couldn't stop watching. Stories about the underdog always draw me in. I like the idea of someone who is underestimated and living by ones wits to outsmart...and outlast his enemies and even in death try to outwit them.

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Saturday, December 14, 2002, 10:35 p.m.

The Heart Center of Indiana

Thats the name of the new hospital that i've been reassigned to work at. Its kind of weird seeing a hospital just starting in its operations. Not everyone knows exactly what they're doing in terms of protocol and operations. The computer systems are awful and frustrating as hell. Not all the floors are open and in fact as of today, the hospital can only keep 8 patients until operations smooth out more. My first night on started 3 days ago, and for 3 days in a row, 14 hours per day, i basically sat around doing absolutely nothing related to work, because there really was no business. Nobody strolled through the little ER entrance, and there were really no problems up on the floor. Given the fact i was basically being paid something close to /hour do nothing nothing and watch DVD movies with my coworkers, i really shouldn't complain to anyone, but i was pretty bored and even feeling a little guilty about doing nothing. Now that i have another week off, i almost feel like its too much time off. Maybe i should go ahead and look into bartending school, the extra money wouldn't hurt.

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Wednesday, December 4, 2002, 09:12 p.m.

Back from SoCal...

First thing i noticed when i arrived in LA on Monday...it was really warm. First thing i thought when i got back home today...damn its cold. I enjoyed myself the last couple days visiting various people in SoCal, and it was a welcome break from all the other stuff thats been weighing on my mind lately. Renting the Mini Cooper S was a total exercise in extravagant indulgence, but i figure i should do it at least once, especially in a place like that. Going to kareoke with janelle, ryo and tommy on monday night was a blast and reminds me that i need to do it more often because my vocal cords are so damn out of shape. My whole chest was hurting from the strain by the time we left. Now i have about 5 or 6 new songs that i need to practice.

The main reason i went to visit was to see Evelyn do her college opera performance on Tues night. I promised her i would catch her sing one of these days. After making it up to Northridge without *too* much traffic to deal with, i found out that janelle's car died on her once again and that band of people wouldn't be able to make it up, so it was just me, tommy and melissa who i just met was pleasant to get a long with. Afterwards we all grabbed dinner with the other cast members and performance students. Hanging out with a group of theater/performance majors can be fun as hell for a night, but if i had to deal with them everyday, i think i would go nuts. As one suggested to me, flamboyant personalities seem to do best on the stage, and well...sometimes they don't know when they're off the stage. Perhaps life is their stage and they're in your face wether you like it or not. I still had a good time but was pretty dead tired, especially on the plane ride back. Getting 4 hours interrupted sleep on a plane isn't ideal but now i feel bushed enough to hit the sack at a normal hour.

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Thursday, November 28, 2002, 01:43 a.m.

Between calm and passion

This is the english translation of 'Calmi Cuori Apassionati' which is the Italian title of the japanese film 'Reisei to Jyonetsu no Aida'. Awful lot of names i know. The film has that many spoken languages in the dialogue as well. I saw this for the first time while visiting a friend of mine who recently bought the DVD and i fell in love with it immediately. Partly because it was such a beautifully shot film, taking place mostly in Italy and having much more of a european/hollywood feel than an asian film. Gorgeous scenery and a great soundtrack also sucked me in. But most of all the main character, played by Yutaka Takenouichi, was someone i felt i had much in common with. He played a character, doing a pretty excellent job i might add, who was an aspiring artist and ends up in Italy studying the restoration of old pieces of artwork. He also has a history of a long lost love that ended in a heartbreaking split and going to Italy was partly running away and partly a healing process for him. One of the themes i found so fascinating was the comparison of his career as a painting restoration artist and the idea of being able to restore the past, bringing it back to life. Its ironic because he was cynical and didn't believe one could relive the past, the good and bad, but thats what he did for old Italian oil paintings. The movie constantly revolved around this theme and i've watched it several times now, and i'm still not sure what its trying to say. I don't know if it says that one *can* relive and bring back good things from the past or if we are always constantly moving forward in life. Maybe restoration of a painting is not so much living in the past, but still moving forward by bringing beautiful things from long ago into the present, since it is certainly not the same, still bearing the old wear and scars, but with a revitalized lease on life. Somehow i think the movie didn't really say one view was more valid than the other, at least i'm not sure if it did.

It makes me look back on my own life with all my past happiness, pain, joy, regrest, and i think if i had the chance to go back and fix the things i've done wrong, would i do it, or accept whats done is done and move on. I used to think that wiping the past clean would be perfect, but now i think to do that would be wiping a part of myself away, and in place of it would be a less than whole person. Kind of like that saying 'man does not live on bread alone' we do not grow up with one dimensional experiences for a reason. We experience love, hate, joy, loss, tears, triumph, dispair, because all these things shape us into the people that we are. To say 'i wish this had never happened to me' is like saying 'i wish i never experience a complete life'. True i say this because despite all my complaints and rants, my life is pretty damn good. I've worked hard, sacrificed a lot, and gained much from it. Sometimes i wonder if i should have taken more time to experience joys and pleasures of life early on, but i know i would not be the same person now if i did, for better or worse. While i believe in moving ahead and accepting what is and what was, i also believe in never forgetting the past. Sometimes pain can develop us into greater people than happiness and joy.

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