Friday, October 25, 2002, 03:54 a.m.

Insurance for the heart

Ever since i started back to working nights a few days ago, i've been feeling moody, a little rotten and really tired. Having stupid lectures cutting into my free time the last couple days haven't helped either. With all the things that have been on my mind i've tried reaching out to a few ppl for a little support, words of encouragement, a hug, and not getting much back. To top things off i ended up getting into a stupid fender bender which was technically my fault; one of those 'a car was in front of me waiting to make a right turn and it went, so i also went to make a right but it stopped short and i smacked into its rear'. After nearly 2 years of trying to keep my record clean, stupid shit like this has to happen again and the whole thing sort of tipped me over the edge into a little ball wanting to hide from the world. At least being back at work and being around people again has helped me from turning into a complete shut-in.

The insurance guy told me over the phone that the liability would be stuck on me, since i didn't keep a 'watchful distance' between my car and the one in front of me. I was thinking about what he said and with the tension i've had with some ppl lately i realized that sometimes you have to keep a degree of 'respectful distance' to help keep things cool. After all i'm not the only one with problems and constantly hovering over a person doesn't help at all. You stick around to close to a person who needs space and it can end up in an emotional fender-bender. Sometimes i wish we could purchase emotional insurance to keep hurt away when shit happens...all for a reasonably priced semi-annual premium.

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Monday, October 21, 2002, 08:44 p.m.

Today's horoscope

This was taken from some online horoscope today. Most of them were quite stupid, but i was surprised to find mine so relevant:

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Discretion is the better part of valor. We never quite understood the meaning of that old adage, but we're guessing it has something to do with keeping your mouth shut. The gentlemen or lady understands that there are sometimes occasions when omission of the cold, harsh truth is apropos. (Such as, "Wow, that story you just told me about how you're insecure about your oral sex abilities reminds me of this amazing head I once received from a hot eighteen year old who had never done it before!") Don't think of it as "lying"; think of it as "listening."
I think i'll heed these words and stay cool for a little while.

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Monday, October 21, 2002, 06:26 p.m.

I know i'm making no sense, deal with it...

Monday night and i'm bored, very bored. I shouldn't say anything since i'll be back on night shifts tommorow and the boredom will definitely end. I'm in one of those situations where i'm feeling some tension in my personal life, but really can't feel like i can share with anyone, mostly because its of my own doing and to go into detail would only show what an incredible moron i am. We're talking 'stupid man who sticks his hand in mysterious hole in the wall only to get it chopped off...then shakes it off and sticks the other good hand in the same hole...' lack of sense. Oh well, acts of passion sure make life interesting, if not painful. I guess i should appreciate it for what it is, a little pungent spice to vary up my life. Really, there is nothing for me to do but vent cryptically, eat the tension, and move on.

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Wednesday, October 16, 2002, 03:14 p.m.

It's my birthday: redux

Wow, for a middle of the weekend typical Weds, things are definitely looking up for me. First i get a fat envelope in the mail from the ABIM (a friend kindly reminding me that Matt Groenig's Life in Hell has taught us a fat envelope is a good sign) and found out i passed my damn Internal Medicine Board exams. I guess my official title is now: 'Edward S Kwon MD, liscense to practice and Board Certified in the speciality of Internal Medicine.' Ok, i don't think i'll bother whipping out that title among friends anytime soon.

The other highlight was getting a letter from a credit agency stating that a ugly spot on my credit record was finally erased, after disputing it for over 3 years. Without going into too much detail, it was a stolen cc balance that i refused to pay for and ended up becoming a grossly delinquent balance that i was forced to pay for anyway. I rechallenged it this year and finally got it dropped, score one for Joe Nobody!

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Monday, October 14, 2002, 04:29 p.m.

o/` You gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em o/`

Thats a quote from Kenny Rogers (yes the fat rotisserie chicken guy) theme song from the movie 'The Gambler'. After driving about 800 miles last night and flying another 2000, i'm finally home from my Vegas weekend and looking back, i had a damn great time. Furthermore i think i've turned into every other stereotypical male who thinks he's a hot shit blackjack player. I have to clarify this by saying i'm a 'hot shit BJ player who came out of Vegas out a $150', but hey, i know people who ended up a lot worse and had to leave town getting pecked by buzzards and such.

I'm really glad janelle thought this idea up and with certain stuff going on in both our separate lives, i wasn't sure if it was going to happen, but i can't imagine a better friend to co-celebrate a birthday with. The turnout of people who came to have fun with us was just right, not too many or too few. With 11 of us total (i just realized this and am REALLY mad now that we skipped on doing the Ocean's 11 group photo)it was just like having some mini-convention...without all the bullshit and headache of a con. Just friends who came for each other, have fun, win & lose money, and eat ourselves sick. I think the only real sore point of the trip for me, thru no fault of anyone, was the fact that our outdoor hotel pool closed at some retirement home early time of 6 pm. After walking around all afternoon touring the casinos with achy feet and legs, this made me personally a lot more upset that losing money at the tables.

As i mentioned before, i became sort of a blackjack fan since picking up a book of BJ strategy shortly before flying out to Vegas (about 2 hours prior, to be exact), and while i didn't learn the secrets to break the house bank, i knew enough to play with the big boys and even found myself giving play tips to bored housewives sitting next to me (too bad none to close to my age or bootylicious :( ). I found that half the charm of the game was playing with a fun table group. A friendly dealer and cool players who are easy to chitchat with, made for a almost a nice family atmosphere, with all of us players mutually cheering each other on, wishing we all win each hand and beating the dealer. Even a great dealer was trying to help us beat him/her giving tips on how to play the hands, since hey, its not their money after all. For the record i scored victories at the Aladdin (where we stayed), Caesar's Palace, Paris and got slaughtered at The Flamingo (Rat Pack my ass, i am NEVER going back there again). Even tho i lost out overall, my last games on Sunday i was coming out a winner, including getting payoffs on 5 different slot machines i kept dropping quarters and nickels into, and putting down a single large bet on a single hand of BJ and winning, simply cause i didn't have the time to play a full game. I had this dream prior to the trip that i'd win it big and make the whole trip a treat on me. Who knows, maybe next time it may come true.

The last leg of my trip on Sun was probably the most exhausting since i made the choice to cancel my return flight from Vegas which i booked all wrong to begin with and reschedule one out of San Jose. It was totally crazy but it helped out both me and aya (poor thing drove 500 miles by herself since pete and al who came with her couldn't drive stick at all). I ended up driving about the first 8 hours which wasn't as bad as i thought since al and pete basically kept me awake and i was getting to blast around in aya's WRX across 2 states. When she took over the rest of the way and flew thru the mountains of 152, i had to admit she was just as ballsy a driver as myself. Ahhh too bad she's taken ;)

I think the weekend ended on kind of a odd but funny note we with catching about 3 hours of sleep after eating a vaunted JiTB taco (not really sure what all the hype was about) at the famed Sunnyvale 'mahjong house'. I had to wake up for a potty break and got almost scared shitless when alana flashed a light at me cause i was stumbling around in the dark, trying to push a tv/stereo cabinet out of the way thinking it was a door. I found it scary cause when i got up i had no idea there was another person sleeping about 2 feet away from me on the floor but afterwards i started showing her my pics from the weekend, and while looking at them, it made me realize again what a great weekend i had.

Janelle, hope you had a great 21st bday, and thanks to everyone else for a such a great time.

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Thursday, October 10, 2002, 10:39 a.m.

Another year older...wish i was another year wiser...

I woke up realizing i turned 29 today. That's a number that will suprise most people, especially since i neither look nor behave like i'm that age. Really, how is someone 1 year shy of 30 supposed to be anyway? Mature, responsible, level headed, family man, etc etc. Sometimes the random assignment of numbers with the purpose of designating who we're supposed to be is simply ludicrous and should only be used for voting and tax purposes. I've had a pretty good start to the day, found a sweet parking spot in a lot that has been always full everytime i come in the morning, and found out the clinic i was supposed to attend was cancelled today, giving me an early start to the weekend. I almost insanely thought about driving up to chicago to hang with the subaru guys on one of their weekly Thurs outings, but they already think i'm crazy enough as it is, visiting so much. Still group sushi sounds fun. Well i think i'm going to head in a different direction and check out some of southern Indiana and go for a nice long, 'me-time-only' drive which i've already plotted out on a map. While i'm driving down, i'll probably return the phone call i got in the middle of the night but was too dead asleep to answer.

Hmm, parting thoughts....i'm 29 and i still feel like a stupid punk, especially lately. Cheers!

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Monday, October 7, 2002, 01:13 p.m.

Another visit from the rents

I got to entertain my parents for part of the weekend, since they wanted to come visit me and check out the new place. I put a lot of effort into keeping it cleaning and getting it ready before they came, and i think they were pretty happy with the place i picked. Before i got a lot of crap from them about paying too much and getting a place too big for one person. Of course the real issues with me and them don't even concern how much i'm paying for rent or whatnot. When i took them out to dinner on Fri night, i got the 'we're dissapointed in you and have no clue what you're doing with your life and we don't know if your plan sounds like such a good idea' talk from them. For once, having been so inured to this crap, i didn't let my dad intimidate me for once and just said plainly 'this is what i'm going to do, i think its a good plan, i think i'm making the best out of my situation and thats that, sorry i can't fit whatever agenda you had intended'. Really, they almost had me feeling guilty again, but because i stood my ground, i think it made spending the rest of the weekend almost pleasant. In fact they helped me lug my broken tv set back to the store where i demanded a replacement. I can't handle something breaking down twice for the same reason. Sometimes i wonder what my parents 'master plan' is for me, and i'm almost positive that since i'm not playing ball with them, i'm getting the 'dissapointed' treatment where almost any other set of parents would still be supportive. Well, i've been playing this game solo for this long, i'm pretty sure i can go at it for a little while longer.

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Sunday, September 29, 2002, 07:45 p.m.

End of the summer...with a swollen lip

I just came back from another weekend in chicago. Originally i planned to stay in town for the USGP, and got my weekend off, but as that got closer, i decided to ditch it and head up north to hang out with a few friends. By coincidence a girl i know was getting married the same weekend and several folks from out west were flying into town for the occasion. Even though i wasn't invited, it didn't bother me, since i wasn't too close to the bride or groom, but i did get to see and hang out on Fri. We had lunch at the only kaiten (conveyer belt) sushi joint in town and i thought it was a pretty cool idea, almost like sushi + dim sum, but the bill racked up pretty fast. Later i met them all for dinner at Giordano's and we hung out for most of the night at one of their hotel rooms.

Saturday and Sunday i spent chillin with the Subaru car club guys and again, good times for all. Altho the turnout for the Dave and Busters event was a little small and so was the picnic on Sunday unfortunately. Plus the crazy scavenger hunt was cancelled for Sat night cause there weren't enough participants. I guess nobody wanted to steal the plates off a cop car again this year. Sunday i went to the picnic which was pretty good, except it got spoiled by my getting stung in the mouth by a wasp when i went to drink my soda. The irony of course was i was warning everyone else about keeping an eye on their drinks so they wouldn't go into anaphylactic shock. Go figure, i look away from my can for 20 sec and i'm the only one who gets stung *ouch*. Well i'm glad i didn't go into shock. I found the whole thing pretty funny actually once the swelling went down. The drive back was uneventful but gave me a headache anyway. I think its time to lie down a bit.

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Thursday, September 26, 2002, 03:17 p.m.

Sometimes it can be so heartbreaking

I just woke up from a needed nap, after being up for a really long time. I'm guessing i only snagged 3 hours of sleep in the last 30 prior to this. Things kept happening during the day time and it was so difficult to sleep. I had a pretty busy night at work which was capped off with a Code emergency in the CCU. I got to meet a very nice man for the first time as he was in cardiac arrest and other people were frantically doing CPR on him, sticking in IV lines and tubes. I did my part to help out, but he had already gone about 30 min without a pulse of his own, so i told them to stop, whatever is done, is done. It turned out he was supposed to have a routine procedure in the morning, and had been doing wonderfully all night. Then 2 hours before that procedure was supposed to happen, he suddendly cried out 'somethings not right!' and arrested. The worst part of it all was his wife was on the way to visit him in the morning, unaware of anything that happened. When she arrived she still didn't know that her husband was dead, i took the ungrateful job of telling her, carefully rehearsing the words in my head that i've said dozens of times before. When we took her to a private waiting room to break the news, she had this really sweet smile on her face and when i saw it i realized that times like this i really really hated my job. After i told her, to see her smile suddenly break down into grief and tears, i still can't shake that image from my mind. Most people that i've talked to, when their loved ones die, they usually see it coming, and while theirs grief, it never was this cruel abrupt loss. I'm glad i got some sleep, i wonder how that lady is doing today.

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Sunday, September 22, 2002, 06:29 a.m.

The first step to recovery is... to friggin get over it!

I've had issues with this one girl for quite a while now, and it has taken another minor emotional meltdown, a lotta crappy passive-aggressive behavoir on my part, and another *sob sob - let's reanalyze everything about us* e-mail to realize, maybe i am just hung up on things that i need to let go. It's difficult but i am doing some pride swallowing for the first time, especially since all my attempts at trying to get back at this person pretty much produced the reaction that she still gives a damn to some degree. It was kind of refreshing to be called an 'arrogrant prick who is trying to be controlling'. Shes always been too polite and held back her words, and i provoked her hard enough just to get an honest and brutal reaction. I know she never likes it, but otherwise shes like a closed book and difficult to read. We both had a talk and things of course will never be the same, but i'll start over and try to work at something i think is worth salvaging.

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Thursday, September 19, 2002, 10:43 p.m.

Women in the workplace (from a male perspective)

This is not usually a topic i think about or dwell on much, but i was thinking about this at work the other day and thought i had to put down my experience in writing. Like i mentioned before, i've been dragging my butt into these allergy and immunology clinics on a purely volunteer basis to essentially lick boot to garner some letters of recommendation, to show my 'interest and motivation' in my professional pursuits. Weds was pediactric immunodeficiency day and i was hooking up with Dr. Nelson, who happens to be one of those 'very smart but you couldn't really tell and frankly he could give a shit cause he had nothing to prove' kind of guys. I like working with him cause he appreciated my help, like to teach me and made my experience a pretty pleasant one. There was someone new today, a spanish-speaking woman to be exact, and after introductions i found out she was a new immunology staff who recently joined the department. We started talking about our backgrounds and i found out very quickly she was one of those hardcore, academic, basic-science/lab oriented-types. She carried that level of aggressiveness and arrogance that comes with the academic mindset too. She was nice and all, but there was something about her personality that rubbed me the wrong way from the start. Part of it was, dare i say, she was pushy and seemed a little high-strung. Of course i smiled and played ball the whole time and it turned out she was a pretty cool person and was trying to teach me a lot as well, which i tried to absorb. Still by the end of the day i was kind of glad to be out of there. I could tell her forwardness was kind of getting to Dr. Nelson's nerves too. I thought about why i got irritated so easily and it served as a quick reminder why i'm steering away from a career in academics. Its noble and fascinating, but also ridden with politics, and the constant pressure of 'trying to prove your worth' and to put it more crudely 'if you can't put out, get out'. It's hard enough for a male in the field, but for a young, smart, woman who is trying to make the same grade, she has to work twice as hard with twice the drive and sometimes step on twice as many toes. That last part makes it a tough spot to be in. Be too nice and you're perceived as weak, be too tough and you become the bitch from hell. I don't envy her situation at all and frankly, am glad i don't have be in it. None of what i said still changes the fact that i was irritated, and probably never will. Just because something exists as a necessary evil means does not mean we have to like it. We just accept it for what it is and move on.

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