Tuesday, March 30, 2004
09:05 a.m.
I was feeling really depressed when I woke up yesterday, so I stayed home from work. I was mentally/physically hungover from all of the partying we did last week and just bummed out in general about everything that is (or - more to the point – is not) going on right now in my life. I drank gallons of water, took a really long walk in the hot sun, watered the plants/flowers/lawn, mapped out a tentative strategy for dealing with my stock options and did my best to think self-affirming, positive thoughts all day. After a really delicious and healthy supper of steamed carrots, celery, kale and mushrooms, I went solo to the Knitting Factory to see Nellie McKay. She blew me away – really, really great! It was an early show and I was home by 9:30 PM. T and I talked about our plans to move for a few hours before we went to bed.
Which leads me to the next topic: our plans to move. At first, I thought T was 100% determined to relocate to Flagstaff, with or without me. When we visited there a couple months ago, I tried to picture myself living there permanently… I wanted to feel enthusiastic about it but in the end, I just couldn’t see it happening. It is so beautiful there, the town is small and safe and a good place for kids, there’s a University there, which ensures a steady stream of progressive thought… but the job market is very lacking. I don’t think I could be happy with a waitressing or bartending career for more than a few months. And while working in a hotel might be interesting, I think I would tire of that pretty quickly, too. And Flagstaff is in the middle of fuckin' NOWHERE. While I don’t need to live in a big city to be happy, I’d like to be reasonably close to one and I'm not sure Phoenix is the one for me. I was kind of afraid to tell T all of this, but he took it amazingly well and now he is seriously considering a move to New York. His brother Kevin lives in Albany, an hour and change from where I grew up, and he’s been reading up on the Albany/Schenectady/Troy area for the past several weeks. When we travel back East in May, he will spend most of the time up there with Kevin, scoping it all out. I’ll spend a night up there, too, to see if I catch a good vibe. T has made it pretty clear that he could be ready to pack it up and move it on out not too long after that, assuming we both like it.
If anyone had tried to tell me when I moved to LA four years ago that I would soon be returning to live in the Albany area with my future husband in tow, I never would have believed it. While I seriously doubt that Albany will end up being my dream location, it does meet some important criteria: it’s close to my family, but not so close as to be intrusive. It’s close enough to NYC to spend weekends there, but far enough away that we wouldn’t be paying suburban NYC prices. It’s big enough that we can find musical events, etc. with which to entertain ourselves, but “in the boonies” enough that a small-town vibe is still present in many areas. And, there are plenty of outdoorsy adventures to be had around there. And – perhaps most importantly – T is feeling the need to act soon, sooner than I would act if left to my own devices. My depressing, soul-sucking job aside, I like LA and could likely be happy here for a few more years. But if T needs me to support him by leaving within the next few months, I will do it. I know that he would do the same for me. And if not for me, he wouldn’t be considering New York at all. So… unless one of us REALLY hates Albany, it looks like we’ll be moving there by the end of 2004. Wow.
I will admit there is a part of me that feels weird about moving back to (relatively) the same place I started from. Something about it seems self-defeating. But I've been through a lot since I left NY, I've managed to deal with a bunch of the things that made me feel like moving 3,000 miles away in the first place, and T is in my life now - so it's just a new chapter in an old story, I suppose. I'm excited to move somewhere new with T. I just didn't think it would be happening so quickly!
Sunday, March 28, 2004
07:44 a.m.
I had a nice, really low-key weekend. I did a lot of nothing on Friday - it was great. Yesterday, I ran a few errands and then nude sunbathed in our yard. I get sad just thinking about leaving the Compound. We really have the perfect living situation right now - big yard, fruit trees, tons of beautiful flowers, interesting birds to check out (owls, hummingbirds, dove-looking things) - and it's all completely private. Nobody can see in without being overly nosey, so I can sunbathe nude whenever I want! I'm a little bit burned today, though. I'm not very smart about sun exposure. I love to bake myself for hours and I hardly ever wear sunblock. I am in serious denial about how dangerous this can be, because it feels so good!
Last night, we went to Stephanie & Jody's wine party and I got kinda toasty, as I am known to do. I am feeling really partied out! It's time to start behaving myself and to get back into my health/fitness routine. I used to have so much (too much) discipline. Where did it go? Or am I just getting lazier as I get older? There has to be some sort of attainable balance.
Friday, March 26, 2004
11:37 a.m.
I have had the new Sarah Harmer album on constant repeat since I bought it on Tuesday. She is one of my all-time favorite woman musicians. Great voice, interesting lyrics, pretty songs. Highly recommended. I am bummed I will miss her LA show. I'll be in NY... really looking forward to that, though. I desperately need a vacation.
Thursday, March 25, 2004
07:35 p.m.
On my way home from work tonight, I saw three boys playing in traffic - literally - at the Arroyo/Glenarm intersection. They were running across the highway in front of oncoming cars, back and forth, daring people to hit them and laughing. I was stopped at a light across the street and watched them do this for almost 5 minutes, oddly fascinated by their stupidity for some reason. Ah, to be young and foolish. Sometimes I miss the feeling of invinciblity that I used to have. I wasn't afraid to do or try anything. I wouldn't necessarily describe myself as fearful now, but I am much more reserved. Some days, that makes me feel mature, responsible and on the right track. Lately, though, it's been making me feel OLD.
Monday, March 22, 2004
03:04 p.m.
This afternoon I found out that Cori, a kid I used to work with when I was a Customer Service rep, died yesterday. He was diabetic and had supposedly been out of work for several weeks, waiting for some sort of transplant. Management called a bunch of us into a room to give us the news. I didn't know Cori well, but he was always really friendly to me and pleasant to work with. I feel sad.
DISCLAIMER: I have no idea who visits this site, so before I proceed I'd like to make it clear that it is not my intention to offend any of my work colleagues with the comments I post here. That said... I interviewed for a new position today, a super-duper easy postion that requires very little brain power. I put on a nice outfit. I kissed butt (very difficult for me). It didn't go well. The interviewer really put me on the spot, made me feel like I was groveling, forced me to pull one canned, faux-enthusiastic response after another out of my ass for 30 uncomfortable minutes. And the truth is, I could do the damn job in my sleep with my hands tied behind my back. It pained me to have to beg for it. And I won't even get the job, because I am sure that my annoyance at having to grovel was very apparent, and interviewers tend not to like such attitude.
I am selling myself shorter and shorter with every additional day that I remain at this company.
Sunday, March 21, 2004
09:30 a.m.
Feeling better after wallowing in pathetic self-pity on Friday. I guess this is OK every once in a while.
Yesterday, T and I decided to go to Venice Beach. It was pretty chilly and overcast down there, but we had a nice time nevertheless. We strolled leisurely from Venice to the end of the Santa Monica Pier and back, stopping for lunch at our favorite cafe on the boardwalk.
After we got back to Pasadena last night, I decided to go to Whole Foods to get some groceries. Recently, I overheard someone referring to Whole Foods as "Whole Paycheck," and I have to agree. It costs A LOT to shop there. Which pisses me off. Why is it so damn expensive to eat healthfully these days? Shitty, toxic junk food costs pennies, and a bunch of fresh, organic kale costs $3. I would like to resume juicing on a regular basis, but it's just too expensive to buy all the necessary produce, even when I go to cheap-o places like Food For Less and buy non-organic veggies. About once a week, I will splurge on a fresh veggie juice from Wild Oats and it costs nearly $4 for 16oz of liquid. Ridiculous and unaffordable. I do the best I can given my budget to be healthy, but the situation really brings me down and every once and a while I have to bitch about it.
Friday, March 19, 2004
02:44 p.m.
Today has been unpleasant. I feel old (painfully aware of each and every one of the 31.5 years I have been alive and kicking), fat (seriously, if I get any bigger I will explode), depressed and unmotivated to do anything that might set me straight. Good thing it's my day off and I haven't had to interact with other humans, because I'm pretty sure I'm a raving bitch, too. I think I will go back to bed.
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
08:22 a.m.
I'm back on the Starbucks. I am ashamed. Pleasantly caffeinated, but ashamed.
Sunday, March 14, 2004
07:39 a.m.
There is a special place in hell set aside just for me. When I went to Amoeba on Friday, I brought the handicapped parking card that I found in our mailbox about a year ago (addressed to the deceased former owner of the house we currently rent) and used it to snag a primo parking spot in the otherwise full lot. I feel guilty, but I think I'll get over it fast... especially since my transgression hasn't seemed to adversely affect my good music karma in any way. I got a really good price for the items I traded in (over $60) and found a used Smokey Robinson & The Miracles box set for $24, along with a few other items I had been searching for.
The rest of my weekend was nice. Hard relaxation. Yesterday, T and I decided to take an adventure... we packed a little picnic and drove over to the recently re-opened Debs Park. Neither of us had been there before. There were a bunch of trails which we checked out, and a little pond hidden away at the top of the main hill there, where we spent most of the afternoon basking in the sun with our iPods. The views were pretty decent, nasty smog notwithstanding. Several hours and one sunburn (me) later, we left Debs and drove the back route to Elysian Park, passing through Lincoln Park, Downtown LA and Chinatown to get there. On the way, we saw Muffler Man #CA11! We've been meaning to go look for him for a while, as we are kind of obsessed with the Muffler Men and other bizarre roadside attractions. Elysian Park is huge... it overlooks Dodger Stadium and has many different little scenes going on within its gates. We just drove through yesterday, since it was late afternoon and we were pretty much ready to return to the Compound by that point. But I definitely want to go back one day, maybe on a Friday when it will be less crowded, and hike around.
Last night, I made a scrumptious dinner concoction of steamed carrots, celery, red chard, mushroom, tofu and Hiziki seaweed over brown rice with homemade peanut-chili sauce. I really outdid myself... and the best part is, we have tons of leftovers!! I so glad that T is one of those carnivores who is willing to experiment with less mainstream vegetarian dishes, such as seaweed.
And today, the musical bliss continues. I arrived at work to find a copy of The Complete Hank Williams box set waiting for me on my desk... all 10-CDs of it! Thank you, Matt L! My work friends have really been coming through with the tunes lately.
Friday, March 12, 2004
08:59 a.m.
While out drinking with a few acquaintances from work yesterday evening, it really struck me how much more comfortable I feel around men than women. I've been that way pretty much my whole life (with the exception of the 4 years I spent locked away at The Ethel Walker School), but last night I was really aware of it for some reason. This isn't to say that the women I was with made me feel intimidated or uncomfortable, but I definitely wasn't "in my element" ... whatever that means.
Today I get to go to Amoeba Records to trade in some old CDs for some new ones. I have really been trying to curb my music-buying habit lately in order to save money, and I've been doing well... but I can't bear to stay away any longer. I can easily justify my trip today because I'll be doing an even trade and not spending any new money. Still, it's kinda crazy how hooked I am. Music is like drugs for me.
Tuesday, March 9, 2004
10:39 a.m.
I was pulled over last night and issued a ticket for... get this... "tailgating" T's truck on the 110 freeway. I was going under the speed limit by 5 MPH and and I certainly was NOT tailgating. T agrees. Fuckin' police bastards.
Monday, March 8, 2004
09:21 p.m.
Could somebody please tell me what the hell Smokey Robinson was thinking when he agreed to do that lame-ass TV commercial with the faux boy band? What a bad move.
Sunday, March 7, 2004
08:47 a.m.
My nieces - Eliza Brooks Vaught and Zoe Angelina Vaught - were born a few moments ago. I just spoke with my mother, and she said that the c-section went OK, both babies are breathing fine, etc. and the doctors are sewing my sister up right now. It sucks to be so far away from my family at times like these ... although I will have my chance to see everyone and help with the little terrors soon enough.
I woke up at 1:30 AM this morning and couldn't get back to sleep for a few hours. As I lay in bed trying to drift off, I could hear the pack of wild coyotes that roams the hills above our house yipping and howling. This is the second time I've heard them since we moved in... I've never seen them, though. It's good to know that some creatures successfully continue to evade the LA urban sprawl.
If I had a ton of spare cash, I would definitely check myself in at The Ashram in Topanga Canyon for a week of detoxification and torture. It sounds really hard, but this kind of thing is right up my alley. Alas, I am too poor.
Saturday, March 6, 2004
09:31 a.m.
I just found out that my sister will be delivering her babies tomorrow! Apparently, her blood pressure has been rising lately and the doctors decided yesterday that she should spend the weekend in the hospital so that they could monitor it more closely. This morning, they decided that they would shoot her full of steroids in order to help strengthen the babies' lungs and schedule her c-section for sometime tomorrow (as opposed to early April, which is what they were originally shooting for). Sometime within the next 24 hours, I am going to become an aunt.... x2. I'm really excited! I can't wait to visit NY in May and check that whole scene out.
I watched a documentary last night called Capturing The Friedmans. What a weird movie! And the weirdest part is not what went down with the family, but the fact that they videotaped (and ended up sharing with the world) all of their emotional, private conversations about such an embarassing situation. It's definitely the kind of thing that you feel you shouldn't be watching. I wonder why they did it.
Friday, March 5, 2004
08:08 a.m.
I love Fridays. While the rest of the world is dragging its sorry ass to the office, I get to lounge around in bed for hours, sipping cinnamon-flavored coffee and listening to tunes. Today, it's all about the new Bad Plus album my work friend Hobson ripped for me. It's really good. I keep playing it over and over... and over.
Wednesday, March 3, 2004
07:39 a.m.
Am I really the only person out there who is severely annoyed by Carl Castle's whistling, old-geezer manner of speaking on NPR every morning? It drives me mad! But everyone I mention this to seems to think that I am over-reacting. He's had a long, successful career. I think he should retire now while he's got some dignity left and let an eager, young whippersnapper take over the morning news.
Girl Scout cookie season is here. T arrived home last night with Samoas and Thin Mints... my faves. We usually dog all the Samoas in the first week and freeze the Thin Mints so we can eat them ever so slowly, all year long. There's nothing like a frozen Thin Mint (or 5) on a sweltering hot summer night.
