Wednesday, August 31, 2005 10:10 p.m.
I've got a lot on my plate right now. Work continues to be hectic and nuts. In addition to going in early and staying late almost every day, I've got the Jerry Lewis Telethon coming up this weekend so I'll be working both Sunday and Monday (Labor Day), too. T and I close the deal on our new house next Tuesday. We have decided to re-do the kitchen after all (T's parents have offered to buy us a dishwasher.... yay!), so we've been shopping for wood cabinets and laminate counter tops, trying to select a paint color, etc. Once the kitchen choices have been made, we'll need to figure out which other rooms we want to paint and pick colors for those. It's now looking like we will be in the new place by the first week of October, just in time for our first anniversary. Let the packing begin! I feel like I just finished unpacking from the CA move and now it's time to do the whole thing over again. Fortunately, it's only a few blocks this time and not 3000 miles.
We have also started the baby gear comparison shopping process, which can be quite complicated at times. So many different things to consider. For such helpless creatures, babies sure do need a ton of stuff!
Needless to say, my head is spinning and I am exhausted. Hopefully I will resume posting pictures soon... I'm sure there will be lots of things to photograph once our big move is finally underway. Stay tuned...
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Thursday, August 25, 2005 08:48 p.m.
My work friend Pina just called me. She's having contractions and is on her way to the hospital to (hopefully) give birth tonight or tomorrow... 3 weeks ahead of schedule.
Suddenly, this whole baby thing seems much more real!
And my job is about to get 100 times more challenging, now that Pina's gone and I'll be holding down the fort. Hell-o stress!
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Thursday, August 18, 2005 09:57 p.m.
Today, my co-worker Pina (who is due to give birth in a few weeks and is quite large in the belly) told me that it's time for me to "give up the cute little pants and start dressing like a pregnant person." I was wearing my red capri pants and granted, they are starting to feel a tad snug, but they aren't unattractively tight yet. Or are they? Guess they look worse than they feel. I suppose it's finally time for me to face the music and get some real maternity clothes.
While I am fascinated by my changing shape and am enjoying watching my body transform, I am clearly in denial to a certain degree as well ... why else would I continue to wear clothes that don't fit properly and put off buying more comfortable ones? I am so quick to embrace certain pregnancy rituals, so eager to reach certain milestones, yet extremely resistant to others.
Although I don't like to admit it, I'm certain that this has everything to do with my fear of fat. Ten years ago, I was substantially heavier (and when I say "substantially," I'm talking 60 or so pounds). I worked hard to lose the weight over a number of years, ended up losing too much and becoming pretty fucked up in the head and then, during the California phase of my life, gained some back and reached a healthy weight with which I have (finally!) been more or less content ever since. And even though pregnancy weight gain is a completely different phenomenon than gluttonous, everyday weight gain, there's the irrational part of me that can't see past the rising numbers on the scale because I am terrified of becoming the fat girl again. Ridiculous, perhaps, and definitely not an excuse to be prancing around in pants that no longer fit, but there it is. It seems that I will never be able to completely shake the after-effects of my eating disorder, no matter how hard I try.
Aside from this inner, emotional battle that I am seemingly destined to wage with myself forever, I am confident that I am being very smart about my pregnancy - making the right food choices 90% of the time, exercising quite a bit, constantly reading and educating myself, getting the appropriate amount of rest, etc. etc. I guess the next thing I need to do is figure out how to turn my negative experiences with body image and food into positive lessons and attitudes that I can pass along to my child.
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Sunday, August 7, 2005 10:17 p.m.
This afternoon, T and I discussed the very real possibility that we will not have enough money left over after the laundry room wall repair project to overhaul our kitchen cabinets and buy a dishwasher, as originally planned. I have been eagerly looking forward to our new kitchen for a while now... so naturally, I felt a wave of disappointment wash over me as we discussed the situation. And then, without warning, the emotional floodgates opened and I had my first official pregnant sobbing meltdown.
It wasn't the idea of life without a dishwasher that upset me - hell, only one of the apartments I've ever rented has had one, and that was several living situations ago. I am quite accustomed to washing dishes by hand. Rather, it was the realization that I'll have to figure out a different way to sterilize baby bottles/supplies, not to mention keep up with all of the other household chores, hold down a full-time job, find time to exercise and stay in shape, etc. on top of bonding with/caring for an infant. It suddenly became very clear to me how overwhelming life as a mother is going to be. Of course, this is something I have rationally known all along, but I didn't really feel it until that moment.
Will I be able to handle the responsibility? Will my relationship with my child suffer when I put him/her into daycare and return to work after only 2 months? Will I be able to pull off the breastfeeding thing while working full time? And if I can't for some reason and need to formula feed instead, will that make me a bad mother? Will the stress I feel as I attempt to do all of these things at once turn me into a colossal bitch? Will I ever have free time to myself ever again? Am I selfish for worrying about having time to myself? How will T handle the situation? How will having a child affect our marriage? These are the kinds of questions that are constantly running through my mind these days.
I have no doubt that with time, I will successfully adjust to my new existence as a dishwasher-less parent. But right now, it's difficult not to be anxious.
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Thursday, August 4, 2005 09:23 p.m.
I am on another hellride at work. My company is sponsoring a big event next Thursday night, and we are all working long hours and busting our asses to make it happen. The week after next, we have to start preparing for a golf fundraiser taking place at the end of August. And let's not forget the Jerry Lewis Telethon - I'll be working all Labor Day weekend on that one - not to mention the closing of our house, which happens during the second week of September. I am beyond exhausted, and there is no rest in sight. Somehow, despite the crazy schedule, I am managing to remain in good spirits, though.
I have entered the awkward phase of pregnancy wherein I have outgrown 90% of my "normal" clothes, but I am not rotund enough for maternity wear. I've got about 4 or 5 outfits that do the trick, and I've been recycling them over and over. Hopefully, my stomach will begin to protrude soon so I can justify making some additions to my wardrobe. In the meantime, my boobs have been providing plenty of entertainment. Sometimes, when I catch a quick, peripheral glimpse of myself in a mirror or a store window, I am compelled to stop and do a double-take because WHERE THE HELL DID THOSE THINGS COME FROM? I've gone up one and a half cup sizes in the past 5 weeks, and I'm still growing. I am definitely not used to being so chesty. It's a fascinating thing to have such little control over my body. At first, it weirded me out, but now I'm kinda digging it. Might as well sit back and enjoy the ride.
I am taking guitar lessons again after a 6-year hiatus. My fingers hurt like hell, but I'm having a good time. I'm thinking it might be cool for the baby too, since he/she is likely to hear some of it and perhaps even feel a few vibrations.
Speaking of he/she... we should find out the baby's sex in a few weeks. The suspense is killing me. I am eager to begin the naming process, as I have the feeling it will take a while to find something that T and I both like.
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