In Love With Death // Kawaii Vision

Erm. The end of the month is almost here! And I'm super happy right now! I got done with my AP World readings for the week! And I finished my English paper. And my Biology paper! Phwee!

Ohkay. Never mind. Someone just kinda ruined my mood. But no biggie, right? Oh well. It's alright. I guess that it doesn't really matter too much. not at this point. Right now, no one really cares to look on the bright side of things. I try, and why do I try? Just so that my so-called friend can bring me down? I'm tired of trying.

Speaking of which. The school is super stupid. They don't allow students to talk about other students on websites. Idiots. They can't prevent us from doing that. It's not during school time, and they're restricting our right to free speech. It's censorship. And they can't do that. Honestly, how do they even plan on trying to stop us? We aren't stupid enough to mention names. There must be at least thousands of people in this country with the same name, so how do they plan to stop us, with the internet being as broad as it is? They can't. And they won't. If they do, I'll fight back. I understand they don't want problems arising at school, but if the other person starts something, that's their problem. And it's fine to deal with, since it's at school. But if something were to happen in my case, I would have the right to keep it up online, as is. This is my journal, and they have no right to take it away from me, regardless of whether or not it's public. I'm not saying I've gotten into problems because of it, and really, I don't expect to. But if I were to, I guarantee that I wouldn't go down without a fight. Actually, I can almost guarantee I wouldn't go down. My arguments are perfectly valid, and to deny them is to deny me my rights as an American citizen. To deny them to any student is to go against what our country stands for. They can say no bullying at school. They can say we can't write bad things about our peers at school. But they can't tell us that we can't express our thoughts in our journals--private or public. I'd love to see they try and stop me.

Other than that, nothing new. I should stick to hanging with optimistic people. Not pessimists. They don't do me any good. I question their friendship if they don't know me well enough to know what words will upset me.

That's why I love Duo. He's happy. He's optimistic. And nothing he says hurts me. I love you, Duo ♥

Mood: too upset for words
Listening to: Wait and Bleed - Slipknot

Right now, I'm super sleepy. Bleh. And I've been loaded with homework. I can't wait until this week is over. Tomorrow, I have tons of assignments due and lots of tests. Friday, I have a huge unit test for my AP world class. I guess I have homework for the weekend, too, for my major developments. But no biggie. A lot of stress right now. I'd just rather not show it at school. Here, I can vent all I want and say whatever I want...that way, I won't do it at school. So yeah. I hope I'm not forgetting anything. If I am...oh well xD There's nothing I can do about it, since I don't remember.

I hate math. Well, just this. Stupid elimination method or linear combinations or whatever you wanna call it is too complicated. Bleh. I can never get it right. Grr.

Erm. I'm falling asleep on my keyboard. So more later. Ja ne.

I love you, Duo Maxwell ♥

Mood: sleepy
Listening to: Yuuki playing Bejeweld on his cell

Love hurts. Maybe that's why I adore Duo so much...because he won't break my heart.

I hate him. I hate him because for some reason, I can't get over him. I hate him for making me love him so much. I have never been able to get over him. And honestly...I'm not sure I will.

I hate myself for not getting over him.

I don't intend to let go. I'm glad I can't.

I'm glad we're still best friends. Because losing him as a friend would hurt me more than anything else.

I'm happy for him. I really am. I guess it just upsets me that he's afraid to tell me that kind of thing. And while I'm happy for him, I have to admit that it still hurts. I think it hurts more now than ever because I'm coming to the realization that things between us won't happen again.

As long as we're friends, I'm okay.

If I lost him as a friend, I couldn't promise anything.

"No person is worth your tears. The one who is won't make you cry."

He never made me cry. And he never will. For him, I'm willing to be strong.

But I don't know what he's willing to do for me.

I hate how this song fits how I feel.

I hate myself for not being able to move on.

Mood: broken
Listening to: Just So You Know - Jesse McCartney

I think I'm gonna take Mr. Rodriquez's advice. I'm just not gonna do it. I'm not gonna take the stupid online course. I'll have to make up the credit no matter what, obviously, but he said that I already have enough going on. And he said that it wasn't fair that I have to work because they screwed up my schedule last year. And it's true. It has to be, since I was thinking the same thing. Grr. It just kinda mkes me mad, you know? To have to work so hard just because they messed up last year. Buttheads.

So yeah. I've been super stressed. This week, I've just felt really busy, like I'm never done. Probably because I'm not xD Monday, I fell behind and didn't finish my reading for English. And I didn't get halfway through with my AP World reading, like I was supposed to (but I almost got there). And then on Tuesday, I did finish my AP World reading, but because of that, I couldn't finish my English reading. I fell asleep in the middle of it, and I didn't wake up until like two in the morning, and I wasn't exactly going to do work then. So today. Yeah. I have more homework to finish, so I should be doing that instead of blogging. But I want a break. Seriously. That whole online program thing is seriously stressing me. I already know I'm gonna quit and just not take the course, but until it's over, I'm gonna be super stressed. So I can't wait until it's over. Geeze. I'm doing just fine with my classes now.

Seriously. Everyone has their limits. I think I found mine this week. Actually, maybe I didn't. I may not know what they are, but I do know that whatever they are, I'm going way over them. I can't handle so much work every night. I'd have at least six hours of homework (at least) if I took that online credit retreival program. So forget it. There's things I need to do, whether it's stay after school or even eat lunch. I'm not gonna give up my time. I get home at around three, so I'd be doing homework until nine. I might not go to bed until ten, but do you seriously think I do homework for two hours straight?

I can't wait until I withdraw. Then I can be happy. And stress-free.

Mood: insanely stressed
Listening to: Kiss the Rain - Yurima

Omg I don't think I could love him anymore than I already do. He was a butt on the phone. Hey, he's the one who admitted it to me. But it's okay. The things he says. They just...ugh. I don't know why I love him so much. I just do. The way he is, the things he does...they remind me a lot of Duo -grin- Maybe that's why I love him so much? Or maybe that's why I love Duo so much. And I'm sorry, Jeff, I lied. Kinda. I don't remember whether or not I said yes. If I did, then I lied, and I'm sorry. I'm assuming you can figure this out. If not, don't ask about it xD But you're smart. I'm sure you'll figure it out. And if you do...please do me a favor and don't tell.

I'm anemic. I'm insomniac. I have symptoms of bipolarity (so I suffer from frequent depression because of that). And right now, I have a fever. How great is that? Certain people think I'm dying. I think they're overreacting. I just feel horrible, but it doesn't mean I'm dying. So whatever. They just made me think. They say they love me. Shouldn't they have positive thoughts instead of negative ones, then? Shouldn't they avoid telling me I'm dying? I can understand problems with anemia. But everything else is just...not a big deal. Whatever.

I love you, Duo. And I love...you...but I don't think you'll know. I'm not sure I want you to. Not yet.

Mood: depressed
Listening to: Wait and Bleed - Slipknot

Kinda good, kinda bad. I don't usually change my layouts without first archiving them, but the other layout I had up...well, I kinda messed it up. I accidentally refreshed when it was in the middle of saving changes I had made, so I had only half of the navigation. And it looked super messed up. Since I already had all of my information on this layout, and since I was too lazy to edit the Kaleidoscope one, I decided I'd just put this one up! I might have a halloween layout, and I'll just put the Duo layout back up for November, but I don't know. I do know that I will DEFINITELY have a Christmas layout and a New Year's layout. Whether or not they'll be mine is another story entirely. It's hard to find time to do anything anymore.

So this layout, I made over the summer, just before school started. The only reason I never put it up is because I hadn't finished the scrollbar xD But I am absolutely in love with this. And the title "In Love With Death" is, of course, talking about Duo. But if you know Duo, you already knew that ^^ -huggles plushie- He's adorable. And I love him. I already have my lovely Duo plushie (he's with me right now!). But I want another one xD I'm gonna try to make one, and hopefully it'll be okay for a first attempt ^^ I did make a plushie a while back, but I didn't like the eyes. Anyway, this'll be my first attempt at making a Duo plushie =P We're going out today, so hopefully I can find the material I want, and some oil pens. I really doubt it though, since we aren't going to Tucson. But there's always hope xD If I ever finish, I'll take a picture and put it up! Notice the keyword. IF.

Well, I'm hungry. YES, it says I'M HUNGRY. So, I'm gonna go see if we have any onigiri left. Ja ne!

Mood: delighted
Listening to: Silence

Erm. Not much that's new. I went to Kati's house today to work on the float. We're making progress, but we're still a long way from actually putting it together. Anyway, not a lot of people showed up, but it was still fun. I love them so much. They're really cool to me, so I feel like I'm actually a part of something, and not an outcast xD

I finished all of my homework today! Woohoo! So I was happy. And I felt accomplished.

Yesterday...my lab partner was really super sad during eighth period =( But I made him smile! A lot! I think I annoyed him, though -grin- But I like it when people smile. Someone was supposed to give him a hug...but that someone didn't listen to me >_<

This week, I was super sick. I woke up not able to talk, but by first period I was at least audible. I had to give a presentation that day (thank goodness it was partners, though). And I couldn't talk too much. My voice ended up being just a squeak xD Not that it mattered too much. They were all seniors, but they're super cool. Except JJ and Robert. They're dorks. Because they made fun of me practically all week. Especially Robert. Even during Spanish. He tries to annoy me, and it works, but I won't let him see that.... I honestly think he'll crack before I do xD

My brother scared me. He's playing darts. And he scared me.

I love Duo. A lot. Seriously. I ADORE him. It HURTS >_o But it's okay, I love him very mucho. And he'll always be my number one! Yey, Duo!

Yeah, this was a lot of nothing. Lol. Anyway, hopefully I'll post a more meaningful entry later on. So...more later, then! Ja ne!

Mood: happy
Listening to: Kiss the Rain - Yiruma

Last night...I got a call from Weston! W00t! He wasn't done with his homework, though, and neither was I, so I told him to call me later xD Lol.

Grr. I'm so TIRED of having an Eyrie >_< They're cool and all, but I've had an Eyrie for so long that it's ridiculous. I wish he would just change species! I don't expect him to change into a Kougra or any other species I'd consider keeping permanantly anytime soon, so I'll just keep zapping him until I save up enough to buy a Kougra morphing potion again. After that, I'll start zapping my Jibby. I think I'll keep zapping him, because other than a Halloween Kougra, I don't think there's any pet that I really wanna keep, so I'll keep zapping him until something happens xD I would NEVER abandon my pets, though! So I zapped him just now...and he lost three strength points. And I just zapped Dirigibles (the petpet lab ray named him xD)...and he changed species into a Scout Unit! How adorable!

Erm. Oh, the Cyodrake's Gaze plot! Well, I got a runner-up medal xD I guessed two of the five answers correctly (granted, one of them was a freebie xD). Anyway, I get a medal! Yey!

I did a mean thing today DX Really mean. Someone (that has really been getting on my nerves and been a jerk to me) asked me, "Hey, what's this word mean?" She was reading a Spanish book, and she wanted a translation. I told her, "Why are you asking me? You know more Spanish than I do. That's why you were bragging that you would take German because you know everything there is to know about Spanish." Which, by the way, she did (brag). Just because she's been mean to me doesn't mean that I should be the same way. But I can't undo my actions. Then again, I con't honestly plan on apologizing, either. I'm a pretty tolerant person, so it must be okay for me to act this way at least once. Right?

Other than that...nothing new. I LOVE YOU, DUO ♥

Mood: mellow
Listening to: Tokyo Nights - Utada Hikaru (as opposed to my mood ^^)

OMG! OMG! FINALLY! I guess I haven't been doing a good job of looking, but I found it! YEY! The official Duo Maxwell fanlisting! AAAAH!! FINALLY! I LOVE YOU DUO! I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!

But there's one thing that I HATE >_< I can't decide which button to use...and I'm no exactly going to use them all (not that I'd mind -smirk- but it'd look weird). So I'm just gonna get everything up right now. More later then! Ja matta ne, minna-san!!

Mood: ecstatic, excited, overjoyed!!
Lisening to: In the Returned Blood and Smell of Gunpowder - Gundam W Operation 1

Ohkay. I finally got the stupid application thing for the pin-ed system. I swear, they must think that EVERYONE who does the credit retrieval thing is stupid. I got pulled out of my Earth Science class which was the stupid counselor's fault. I have honors and AP classes, and I have to take credit retrieval. Stupid heads. And when I called so they could e-mail me a different application (because the online one wouldn't work for me, since I only need to take half a course), they asked my age. I told them 15. They asked if I had passed the eighth grade yet. Ugh. Things like that make me super mad. Wouldn't one assume that if I'm applying for a credit retrieval program, I must be in high school? Geeze. So I filled out the application. And things are gonna be hell. I've got enough to worry about with Mr. Falkner's class. If they pull me out of Mr. Desai's class this year, I will kill. I do NOT want to do this again.

Other than that, not much news. I'm really sore. My side hurts. A lot. Still xD And I'm still mad at someone. But whatever ^^

Mood: grr xD
Listening to: Sakura Drops - Utada Hikaru

Ouch xD I have a humungo bruise on my leg. And it hurts to sit down. Or lean on my right side. Yeah. And I have another ginormous bruise on my side. Lol, I seriously don't know HOW I get them ^_^

Okay, so we went and watched Invincible! I loved it! It was super super awesome! And it made me think that our high school team actually had a chance of winning a game. THAT'S how good it was!

Errm...I took a test today for my AP World History class. If I hadn't gone and asked for a map from Mr. Rodriquez (yeah, Jeff, Mr. Rodriquez!), I probably would have done really bad. I'm pretty confident that I did well. At least on the geography portion of it.... Yeah.

Homecoming is in exactly one month! We have our ideas for the float, and it's gonna look super awesome! We're probably gonna use wood to sustain the...thing that I can't talk about until after homecoming in case people steal our SUPER AWESOME ideas!! Our float is totally gonna kick butt again this year! I hope ^^;

Other than that, no news. Really. Except that I'm sick. Serioulsy sick. And I'm listening to one of the coolest songs in the world xD So more later, then! Ja matta ne!

Mood: sick
Listening to: Easy Breezy - Utada Hikaru

Big surprise. I'm actually going to the movies! Well...it does make a little sense. There's probably gonna be stroms today, and my mom doesn't want me home alone (not that I'd really mind, if that was the case =D). Anyway, her friend invited her to the movies, and she said that Yuuki and I should go along, too, since her son, Richie, is coming with us. Well, Yuuki gets to invite a friend, and Richie gets to invite a friend. I get to invite no one. Lol. It's okay, though. The movie will definitely make up for that....

I bet Yuuki's inviting his girlfriend. Sage. Isn't that a pretty name? And it's weird. Yuuki's best friend has a crush on Sage. Go figure. Actually, Sage isn't really supposed to be going out with anyone, but she likes him and he likes her, so they might as well be. Whatever ^^

Erm. We're watching Invincible! I'm super excited! Hey, speaking about football...no, never mind. Well, yeah. Our team lost miserably to Nogales. Grr. Just ONCE I wish I could rub it in Weston's face >_< I get to do that for volleyball. And basketball (big time). Just NEVER football. Oh well, I guess Nogales deserves to be the best at SOMETHING xD

Since I've got all of today free (except for a few hours because I'm going to the movies even though I'm grounded!!), I'll prolly blog more later. So...more later! Ha! Ja matta ne!

Mood: super excited
Listening to: the annoying beeping from Yuuki's watch

Woo! Just finished putting this new layout up! I didn't really have time to make my own, and I need to fix the scrollbar for my beautiful Duo one...so I can't put that one up yet. Oh well, ne? Anyway, I think this layout's awesome! I've had a ton of homework lately, but it's okay. It's a three-day weekend, but I've got tomorrow free! I finished all my homework today -grin- Lol.

But. I woke up with a very sore throat this morning. I hate not being able to talk >_<

...Someone... asked me out yesterday o_0 I have NEVER mentioned him in an entry before...probably because I met him only a little while ago xD But he asked me out. He's really sweet, like REALLY sweet. And he's got the cutest smile =D But I don't know him well enough that I'd wanna go out with him. Besides...I already kinda like someone else ^^ I just mentioned it for when I come back to read my blog entries in a year. I've been reading entries from last year and from 2004. A lot of stuff went on.

Nothing else new. Very sleepy. More later. Ja ne!

Mood: sleepy
Listening to: silence