Happy? - Yes, I am // Kawaii Vision

Every year this happens. It's horrible. Every year, things get worse. The holidays get unhappier, there's a lot more tension, a lot more shouting, and a lot more fighting. It gets worse every year. So obviously, I'm going to say that this is the worst it's ever been. But next year will be even worse than this. It's routine. It's predictable. And it's sad.

It's sad that my family is so fragmented. I'm growing older, and I'm becoming more aware of everything that's going on. Two years ago, I had no idea that there were problems existing with my aunts and uncles. Everything seemed perfect. That's a lie. All those lies that my aunts and uncles and parents told me...they unraveled. I think that that's when I left childhood. When I realized that there was a lot more to everything that people led me to believe. But they still try. I'm not that stupid. I can figure things out on my own.

But that's not to say I'm entirely unthankful. I'm aware of all that I have. I have both my parents. They may fight, and they may cause my constant depression, but I'm lucky because they're here. And I've at least got a close relationship with my mom. I'm lucky that I have my brother. He's a pain, but that's like any brother, and honestly, he makes problems worse between my parents. But I'm glad that I've got him.

I've got the best friends in the world. They're the ones who help me cope with everything that goes on. If it wasn't for JJ...things at home would drive me insane. They would...well, I wouldn't be as okay as I am now. I'd be in a worse condition. Guaranteed. If it wasn't for Monique...things at school would drive me insane. She's always there, and I know she's always got my back. Monique and JJ...I love you guys. So much more than you will EVER know. I think...especially you, JJ. Just because you're so blind. I know it's something immesurable...but still...I wish you knew.

So I'm not unthankful. I wish that things were better. I'm selfish, too. But it's only human to want that. I wish things were better. I wish they were. But it won't happen. It won't. And I know it won't.

I'm only holding up for you, JJ. Because you asked me to. Otherwise, I don't know where I'd be; I'm weak. I'm only doing this for you. I don't know how much longer I can stay strong. But all this is for you.

Mood: melancholy, depressed, etc.
Listening to: Rooftops - Lost Prophets

Stuff at home is ridiculous. Honestly, I don't think I've ever been angrier than I was today. I called a friend today, and he was surprised to hear how upset I was. Well, when I called him, it was a little mixture of feeling upset and angry. But anyway, I was at a loss for words, which really surprised him. He's never seen that side of me. Actually, I don't think anyone outside my family has. But yeah, I was mad. Just because of...SOMEONE'S...stupidity. I couldn't believe how stupid he was. And then he went and blamed someone else for it. Someone very close to me. How could he do that? WHY does he always do that? He thinks she'll always be there to cover for her. He thinks that she doesn't care. Today did it. I have NEVER seen HER as angry as I saw her today. He blamed her. ANd it's not the first time that's happened. What a jerk. And I don't pity him. He had the power to stop it. It was a mistake, but it was one that he could have prevented from happening. He just chose not to, for his own pleasure. And I could never forgive him for that. I don't pity him. Sometimes I think about it, and I feel like I should...but I just don't. Why should I? The choices he makes...they're his own. And we can only try to help, but we can't stop them. If he wants to mess up his life and screw us all over, then fine, it's what he wants. And I can't pity him for doing what his heart tells him to do. If his heart tells him that we aren't important, then fine. If his heart tells him that she will always cover for him, then so be it. But one day, he'll realize that he can't live without her. He doesn't love her, but that's not the point. He can't live without her. She does too much for him. Even the smallest, most basic, daily actions will be missed. Come to think of it, it's what WOULD be missed the most. It scares me when she talks about leaving. I don't want her to leave. I can't live without her. I know how much she goes through. I share those times with her. She tells me things, she shares her feelings with me. I know what she feels. He won't give her the time of day, let alone anything more.

He's stupid. He thinks we'll always be there. I know this sounds cruel to say, but we WON'T. He won't always have us. One day, we'll fly away. We'll be gone. And he'll miss us. Or maybe not, I don't know. But regardless, he'll realize that we did a lot more for him than he ever noticed. It's funny how people don't notice things and appreciate them until they're gone. It's like here. No one notices the beauty of the stars and the mountains. It's growing, and when it's full of smog and lights, then people will be upset that the stars are gone. They'll be upset that they never took the time to gaze up at the stars or sit outside and watch the sunrise, the sunset, the blue sky, the mountains, the rainfall. They won't notice until it's gone. He won't notice unwil they're gone.

I can't say much about me. We haven't really been so close. Ever. So he won't miss me. I won't be missed. After all, I don't do anything for him except cause him problems and show him that we aren't as stupid as he thinks. All I can do is snap him back into reality, which he doesn't appreciate. But whatever. That's just me. Not much help. Not much good for anything, other than what people don't want. I can't even comfort my friends when they're down. All I can do is stand there and listen. Offer a shoulder to cry on. But I can't offer the words of comfort that I know everyone wants. I can't even do that for my own mother. I can't. So what would people miss about me? That I do the things they don't appreciate? I don't think so. That I'm here, reminding them that I'm NOT nearly as clueless as they think I am? That I'm here to make them realize that they're games have been discovered?

I'm not as stupid as people think I am. Why is it that when people see me, they see me as an idiot? They think I'm a fool, and easy to deceive? Why? Why don't they consider that I might actually know what they're talking about? I would really love to know. What is it about me that makes them think that they can make a fool of me? What is it that makes them think that they can make me believe their phony stories and their stupid lies?! Do I really LOOK that stupid?! Do they think I look THAT innocent?! I'm 15 years old, and I think that I'm capable of seeing through a lie!

But obviously, he doesn't think so. Let him think that way. Let him live in his own little fantasy world. I'm tired of bringing him back to reality, I'm tired of making him see the truth, just so that I'll get yelled at, so I'll get punished, so I'll get hurt. Forget it. I've done all I can, and I don't want to keep trying. I wanna be selfish and I don't care if he keeps thinking I tricked him. Let him think that, let him be stuck in his own world where he only sees the face of a fool when he sees me. It doesn't matter anymore; I'm tired of trying to do all that I can to no avail. I'm being a quitter. But I don't care. I can be selfish once in a while, and I've found my limit. Today was it. Today did it. After today, I don't really care anymore. After today, let him do as he wishes. But the distance between us is becoming greater. I've tried to close that gap, I've tried to reach him. But I obviously can't. And clearly, he doesn't want me to. So fine. Let that distance grow. Let us grow millions of miles apart, so that he and I are so distant that we don't even know each other. It's fine by me. If it's what he wants, then fine. I'm fighting a losing battle here. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of trying to fight when I can't win. I'm tired of trying, just so that I'll keep losing. I'm TIRED of always LOSING to him. But I know that I can't win. No matter how hard I try, I'll never win. So I might as well stop trying. Like I said, I realized my limit today, and I realized that no matter what I do, it'll have no effect. He's the predator and I'm the prey. I'm the weak and defenseless rabbit, injured and unable to run, while he's the agile and merciless coyote, ready to kill his pitiful prey.

I'm tired of losing. I'm tired trying. I don't wanna try anymore.

Mood: -
Listening to: the screaming in my head

I can't believe how incredibly sweet he is. I really didn't know. But I realized that what he told me is true. He meant every word of it. The reason that he doesn't wanna be with me is because a certain someone would make my life a living hell. And he says is isn't worth it. We talked last night, and that was when I honestly realized that he meant it. And he told me that it hurts him to see me sad. Just...the way he said it was so...so insanely sweet and sincere and...I just can't describe it in words. But I can't stand how sweet he is. I can't stand that he's such a great guy. I can't stand that people in the organization are getting in the way. But I'm okay with his choice...because it shows me that he cares. And aside from that...I want whatever will make him happy.

So yeah, but I'm still super happy. Which is really weird. But I've been super happy lately...and I don't know why. I have a feeling that it's Jey. It's weird. Everything in my life has recently led back to the FFA or to Jey...which I don't mind too much. But honestly...I can't believe how much I've fallen for Jey. He makes me happy xD

Erm. Nothing new now. Major developments due Monday. Reading due Monday. Unit 2 test on Monday. Yey. Lol it's all good. It'll be fine!

Mood: delighted and lovesick
Listening to: Love You Out Loud - Rascal Flatts

Ohkay. Super weird. Snowman and Ramon think that I like Snowman. No way! I would never do that! Here's how it goes:

A close friend of mine (let's call her...Q. Just cause I picked a random letter ^^). Ohkay, so Q likes Snowman and I like Jey. Ramon and Snowman are best friends. Ramon told Q and Q told me that Ramon thinks I like Snowman. Then Snowman told Ramon and Ramon told Q and Q told me that Snowman thinks I like him. But I like Jey. Lol xD Seriously, I would never go after my friend's crush.

It was confirmed today that I'm super flirtatious. I was told that I have a very flirtatious smile...which is weird, because it means that I flirt all the time, unintentionally. Well, actually, I do that anyway; it's my personality. So never mind xD But how can someone have a flirtatious smile?

Anyway I'm super happy. And I'm glad I'm happy. I need to be happy! Yey! Happy! But sleepy. So more later! Lol. Oyasumi!

Mood: happy
Listening to: Yuuki playing Final Fantasy X

I can't believe what happened one day after my last entry. I haven't really had time to blog about anything, with preparations for the South Central District FFA competitions and a bunch of catching up on assignments I missed...so I'll do that now xD

Sunday was bad. But it was really more good than bad. Stupid stuff...and not-so-stupid stuff...going on at home made it bad. Okay, so our parli-pro team was supposed to meet at Garrett's so we could practice. We met at...well, I got there a little before 4:30, and practice ran until a little past six. I don't rememberwhat time I got home, but I think it was around 7 or 7:30. I'm not too sure, though, but I was there because I couldn't get a ride. So everyone except Grey, Edgar, and Jey left; they waited with me until I could get in touch with someone. Jey did offer to give me a ride, but my dad won't let me have a house key. But Yuuki can. Obviously they play favorites. But anyway ^^ No one was home at the time, my cell wasn't working, but it didn't matter because when I used Jey's, no one would pick up. I felt bad that they were stuck there because of me. But it wasn't too bad....

Before that, Jey asked if I was okay. And I started talking to him about all the stuff that goes on with me. First, it was stuff at home...but then it changed to other stuff. I told him almost everything. And that included how I felt about him. And he told me he felt the same way. But there was a reason he hadn't pursued a relationship with me. There are a bunch of super dramatic people in the organization who would cause problems. And he's under plenty of stress with trying to get into college and sports and clubs. But I'm perfectly okay with it xD I don't know why I am. But it doesn't bug me. I'll admit that at first, it really did upset me...but not anymore. I guess I felt like I had gotten rejected, but I don't think I did. Not if he feels the same way. And I'd rather not keep him back from doing the things he needs to do...so if he feels that a relationship would do that to him, then I don't want that. I want only what's best for him.

I think that...on that day...Jey just made me fall in love with him. I remember learning the difference between "love" and "lust" in class. Love can wait. Lust can't. I've always loved him, obviously; he's my friend. And I've had my heart broken enough times to know the difference between love and lust. It's not lust for Jey. Yes, I'm only 15. But does it really matter? I've never felt this strongly about anyone. I don't know. But I don't mind waiting to find out.

So I'm super happy! I think it's because Ben and Topo just offered me so much comfort. I told them exactly how I felt about Jey, and getting everything off my chest just...it felt really good xD So yeah, I'm super happy! And I'm smiling, Ben! I'm smiling for you, but I promise, it's not a fake smile! It's for REAL! It's the first time I've been able to really smile in a long time! Everything is going great! And I don't think that anything can bring this optimism down! Yey!!

So more later! Ja matta ne!

Mood: serene
Listening to: Zanarkand - Final Fantasy X Soundtrack

Woo! I'm super excited because I FINALLY got another tagboard for my site. After my first one died, I was upset, and I never had time. Lol.

Okay. Halloween was super fun. And on Halloween, I kinda.... I dunno. I knew I had a tiny crush on him, but on Halloween, I found out it had to be a lot more than a crush. But he'll never know. I just hope that he's happy with whoever he picks, because he deserves it. And if it's who I think it is, then I'm glad, because I know that she's super sweet. But.... He's always watching out for me, always making sure I'm okay, and always scaring off the people who hurt me. He almost called my house to yell at Yuuki when he was being a jerk (I asked him not to). He always makes me smile. He's just...super sweet. Some of the things he says to me just...they really get to me. I can't believe how much confidence he has in me. I can't even think about the things he tells me without getting teary-eyed. He's too sweet. No one has ever told me such sweet things in the way that he did. The way that he told me everything was enough to make me fall for him on its own.

Yeah. I love him. But I can't say I'm IN love with him. He's my friend. That's why I love him. But like I said...I can't say I'm IN love with him.

"No one is worth your tears. The one who is won't make you cry." Whoever said that is wrong. He made me cry. But I cried...because he was so sweet. Because he made me feel wanted. On Halloween, I felt horrible. I felt absolutely unloved. I can't even repeat all that he said to me. And I'm not sure I wanna share something like that. I'd like to keep it as my own memory.

I shouldn't have fallen for you. But I did. And I can't do anything about it. But I'm not sure I wanna try.

Mood: tranquil
Listening to: 1000 Words - Jade from Sweetbox