I am a freaking wreck right now.

So I can't go out on a walk on my own now. I'll get in trouble. Guess why I was mad when I was writing yesterday's entry.

I won't be able to hang out with Monique tomorrow. I just asked about that. How very lovely. There's no real reason for it. I just can't.

My best friend in the entire world is thinking about moving to NC. I'm seriously considering following. It's just upsetting because I had everything planned out for myself, and applying to college at the UA would just be so much easier, since I'd be sure to get scholarships. If not, then at least I've got the AIMS tuition waiver for sure. I'll lose all of that if I move.

My entire body is sore. And it's my own fault, too. So, that means that my body feels bad enough without all the emotional stress. Add that on to a sore body...and it's not good.

It's great to hear from your doctor that you're unhealthy and you need to be careful. No, I'm not attacking him, I think he's awesome. I'm just saying I hate that I haven't been taking care of myself. Again, my own fault. It doesn't help that when I feel emotional stress, I don't really eat.

I'm on the verge of tears again. I just wanna let everything out. And I can't. I'm not allowed to lock the door of my room. I'm actually not sure that I can call it mine anymore. This place no longer feels like my sanctuary. Any person can walk in at any given moment. I could be in the middle of, say, crying my eyes out. And someone could just walk in and interfere, just making things worse. No one knocks. They walk right in. I know it sounds silly...even if I could lock the door, it's obviously a simple task to get it open. But...I just feel that much safer. It would take that much more effort on their part to come in and find out what I'm up to.

This is too much. I don't know how much more I can take. I really don't. There's so much going on. No, I haven't mentioned everything, thank you very much. I'm afraid of who may read this, to be perfectly honest. So go on and make your judgements about me. Go right ahead. I'm sick and tired of everything. There isn't much more that anyone could do to bring me down. I'm already there. So go on, kick me while I'm down. Maybe you'll succeed in driving me to the point of insanity.

At this point, I'm ready to give up. No, I'm not nearly as strong as some of you think. I'm really not. Yeah, I try my hardest to smile. And you tell me that I'm strong; there's a reason I insist that I'm not. It's because...I'm always so ready to give up. I'm sick and tired of trying. I'm tired of trying to make everything work. I'm tired of telling myself that everything will be okay...not only that, but I'm tired of hearing that everything will be okay. It will NEVER be okay!

I really truly am ready to give in. There isn't a whole lot keeping me going right now. To be honest, I really think that JJ is the only reason I'm alive right now. Don't think I'm bluffing, either.

Gotta go...bye.

Mood miserable
Listening to: Silence

There are only two days of July left. Assuming you can even count the rest of today.

Today, I decided that I would go back and save everything in my blog archives. So now I have a copy of all my entries. I know it might sound weird...but sometimes, I really do need to go back and take a look at who I used to be. Sometimes, I miss that person. And I regret never being happy with her. At this moment in time, I wish I could go back and be that person again.

But, what's past is past, and I've come to realize that I can only keep moving forward. Looking back is an option, but it'll do nothing for me. So, I would rather keep my sights set forward, and use my past for the sole purpose of motivating me. I'm not going to say, "No looking back." I know that I will. Someone close to me once told me, "History is what makes us." And he is completely right. I'm going to keep holding on. But I refuse to forget that I need to keep moving forward.

Looking through those entries...it's sometimes depressing. It makes me wonder what has happened to me. Not only that, but it goes to show me that...writing really is an immense part of my life. Looking through my archives, I noticed that there were gaps. And it was those times that seemed the most difficult to me. For instance, I have no entries for March of this year. March was, in all honesty, a horrible month. One of the worst I've had. And I wish I had written.

I said this at the bginning of the year. But I'm hoping that I can stick with it this time. I want to write more. I plan to. This year will, admittedly, be a very difficult one. But I'll be sure to manage my time much more wisely than I did last year. Besides, I should be happy; I actually have a lot less to worry about than a lot of the other AP seniors. Let me see...AP English, AP Calculus, AP Government. President of NHS. President of Human Rights Club. Secretary of our FFA chapter. Editorial page editor for the school newspaper. Active member of our 2009 Club. I'll have a ninth period for a while in order to get a health credit (I'm honestly still upset with the way my schedule was messed up freshman year). Depending on the way FFA will work, I'll stay after school once or twice a week for crews, possibly once every other week for chapter meetings, and possibly once every other week for executive meetings (we'll see the way the advisory system works out). And, I'm planning on working at a flower shop xD And that's for my SAE hours for FFA. Which I don't mind; even if it's not a real job where I get paid, I'd still like the experience of working with flower arrangements, I'd like the hours, and I'd like to be able to say that I have some job experience. I'm pretty certain it'll work out. Knock on wood. I'll have homework to worry about...maybe not for any of my electives. Journalism might require some advisory time, though. On the bright side, I'm not editor-in-chief, so that's a lot less I have to worry about. But I'm still an editor. And I'll have to work with one of the younger students (probably a junior) to teach them how to post new stories and archive old ones on the school site. I won't lie: it's pretty freaking awesome to have access to the remote computer :P

Enough of that. My moment of seriousness died down about halfway through my rant about school stuff. I think I should be able to manage it all well enough. I am going to make it my goal to avoid procrastination this year, too, so that I can get more sleep. If I can get to sleep by 11 every night, I'll be good :D That'd be freaking awesome!

Okay, okay. Still on the subject of school. I'm feeling nervousness and excitement at the same time. I hate ambiguous feelings. It's really weird, and it makes me sick, but I can never tell if it's in a good way or a bad way. I'm just anxious for the first day. After that, I think things should be alright, and I won't feel that way. So, let's see my schedule for next year...it's actually not bad except for first and ninth periods. Let's see:

1. Intro to Art - Fontes
2. AP Calculus - Gale
3. Advisory - McLaughlin
4. Lunch
5. Ap English IV - Bristow
6. Ag Science II - McLaughlin
7. AP Government - Barter
8. Journalism - Falkner
9. A+

Other stuff, now. This is my catch up entry, in case you couldn't tell. So, for those of you who read this (and I know there are some of you who do <3), thank you. And I'll understand if you don't get through it. I doubt even I would xD

I just love being a girl. I love how my brother gets all the freedom he wants while I don't. Note the sarcasm. I can't wait until I leave the house. I can't wait until I move out. I can't wait. Yes, something just happened, which is why my mood changed so suddenly.

I hate feeling captive. Locked away. Hidden. Isolated. Bound to this house. Unable to experience the outside. Okay, maybe a little dramatic...but I've been told countless times that I've lived an extremely sheltered life. And I guess I know it's true. I don't really have a social life outside of school. Unless JJ's here. I'm so grateful that my family at least trust him enough to let me out with him. Of course, even if they didn't, I'd find some way to see him. I'll be honest. They wouldn't succeed in keeping me away from him.

Omar left today. It was really, really sad. It's been fun hanging out with him for the past three weeks or so. Sadly, I didn't get to see him as much as I would have liked to. We had FFA Officer training two weeks ago, every weekday from 8-12 (it actually went a little past noon the last two days). It was a lot of fun...I just kinda wish I had been able to spend more time with my cousin :)

I need a new web page design. I think I'll keep the same general outline...I really like it, a lot. But it's old. I want something new. Maybe I won't have new words in the image. But I just want something different. And that reminds me. Some thank-yous are in order.

Jey: these past two and a half months, you have had an enormous amount of patience for me. I've complained so much to you about everything, including your own schedule. I know you know I know (lol) that things aren't your fault, and you're so forgiving...thank you for allowing me to vent all my feelings to you, even the ones that involved you. And thanks for still being there for me, despite the way I've been acting. I'm sorry if I've been pushing you away; it's the last thing I want to do. Darling, I want you to know that I will always love you. You have changed my life in so many ways. You really have changed the way that I look at myself, and I know that without you...well, we'll just say that I wouldn't be doing too well. You are my sanity. My motivation. My reason to believe that I can still hope for the best. You are the reason I'm still breathing (and you know it). You are my everything. I don't know how else to say it. And I'm so excited for next year. We'll both be in Tucson, and we'll get to see a whole lot more of each other. I can't wait for that. Sometimes, it feels like too long before I get to see you again. And I promise. Forever and ever, love.

Monique: thank you so much for hanging out with me, for being one of the best friends anyone could ever hope for. It's always fun hanging out with you...and you know that we always find the stupidest and most random things to talk about when we're together. Crazy times :) This year's gonna be tough, but you know we'll make it through. And after this, we'll see where life takes us. I have a very, very good feeling that we'll be seeing a lot more of each other in college <3 Love you.

Shelby and Andrea: you two are freaking awesome! I know it's been a while since we've talked, but I'm always thinking of you. Always <3 I really hope I get to see you two soon, because you have become like sisters to me. Two way-out-there, fun-loving, crazy sisters. In a good way xD Our random talks were always entertaining, and our serious conversations were some of the best. Thank you for confiding in me, and know that I will always confide in you. Shelby, I expect to see you soon. Very soon. Andrea. You're a dork, I miss you, come visit, dangitt! Lol :)

Mike, Jake, and Mark: thank you guys so much for being there for me this past month...literally. Living in the same dorm was so much fun, and I'm glad we were able to hang out. Thank you guys for always watching me and taking care of me. Thanks for making sure I was always okay, and for making sure I got my rest when I wasn't. Mike...thank you for carrying me to my room when I fell asleep on the couch. Thank you for running upstairs to your room and back down to mine in a matter of five seconds to get me your last red gatorade because I was feeling wayyy to sick to even move. Thank you so much for always showing concern when I felt bad and for always offering your time (and water and gatorade xD). And thanks for letting me know that I impacted your life; I know that you impacted mine, as well. Jakey...thanks for hiding out with me in the second floor study. And for staying up with my until 4 in the morning. Thanks for always offering company and for staying with me when I felt bad, no matter what time it was. I'm glad we get to hang out for at least one more year. Mark...thanks for always inviting me everywhere you went. Thanks for all the fun times. Thank you for buying chicken noodle soup for me. Thank you for staying with me when and taking care of me when I was sick. And I know you stayed with me even when I fell asleep. Thanks for caring enough to make me eat (I mean that in all seriousness). I'm trusting that we'll see each other again; you promised. Thank you guys so much. With love from Charizard.

To all my true friends: I love you all. You know who you are. If you have even the slightest doubt that I'm referring to you...then this isn't meant for you. Believe me, I know exactly who you are, even if you think that I remain happily oblivious. I know who has backstabbed me. I know who has talked behind my back. I know who has hurt me. I'm not half as stupid as I look. Nor am I that clueless. Sure, I'm easy to take advantage of. So, again, to my friends: thank you for being there. Thank you for not taking advantage of me when it would have been so easy. Thank you for helping me see who you really are.

I only ask that no one attack me for posting this entry. I didn't mention any names. Don't approach me asking me to remove this. I won't. This is me. This is my way of exercising freedom of expression. No names. Therefore, it's not libel. Come to think of it, it wouldn't be libel anyway. I'm not saying anything untruthful.

Journalism has taught me so much :D

I feel a lot better. After an hour of thinking, venting, typing...it really does feel good. And now, I need to go finish my third essay for government. I have all the information, so it shouldn't take very long. Then I have to read Unit 4 and do that essay today. It's fine if I don't get it done; but I'd like to have it so that I don't have to do three units tomorrow. I have nothing going on tomorrow, though. So I should be fine.

Alrighty. More tomorrow. For sure. Just two entries for July. And they'll both be serious ones, you can count on that. I need all my negativaty out, in print. Then I can be me again...I really do hope so. Ja ne :)

Mood: content, sick
Listening to: Everybody's Screaming!!! - Lostprophets