Make A Christmas Wish

Last Entry

This is the last entry for the year. Wow. This has truly been an amazing year. Even though there was a lot wrong, I can look back and find the most amazing moments of my life.

Disneyland...even though it was very depressing, it was also incredible. My boyfriend made it seem like he didn't care, but my best friend was there to comfort me. He promised me he wouldn't ever let me fall, and he didn't. He was there when I needed him, and he didn't turn away from me when I was afraid and upset. [Entries from May]

Ceasar's birthday...not great, but at that time I realized I didn't love him...I realized I had never been IN love with him. Maybe I did love him, but not in that sort of way.... Also. Weston and Jeff really helped me every day he made me cry. [Entries from May/June]

End of June...I got tons of calls on my birthday! Great to know so many people remembered! I finally had the guts to tell him things weren't working out. I wasn't going to be there for him to just toss around when he wanted. [Entries from June/July]

July...I had fun at Disneyland with my family...and I realized that I really loved him. Plus, I got closer to Weston than ever.

August...beginning of school. I met the greatest teachers and stayed friends with the greatest people, whether they were at RRHS or NHS. First meeting with Mrs. Scott brought back loads of memories. I love you guys.

So many things happened this year in such a short amount of time, and I can't help but wonder what's gonna go on next year. I've made a challenge for myself, though. I want to be the way I was in seventh grade. I want to face EVERYTHING with a smile. I don't care what goes on at home anymore, it just doesn't matter. If I smile, everything will be better. Without doubt. I'm going back to my seventh grade self who was an extremely optimistic, happy-go-lucky girl. I'm tired of being so depressed all the time, it's stupid. But I only blame myself. I can't blame anyone else...it's my fault for getting a boyfriend, it's my fault for not realizing I wasn't ready, it's my fault for not breaking up with him soon enough. Too many depressing things happened, and I couldn't hold it in anymore...no matter how hard I tried. But that's over. I'm going to be super happy in 2006! YES!

Now. I gotta make a list. I didn't end the year very well, that's for SURE. Here's some of the stuff that's happened to me so far...

I crashed into the couch and messed up my ankle. Haven't been able to walk all day.

While vacuuming, I tripped on the rug and hit my arm on the table.

Again, while vacuuming, I triped over the cord and fell on the floor.

In the hall, I opened the laundry room and Yuuki dropped the vacuum cleaner on my messed-up ankle. Ouch.

Fell on top of plastic bags and hurt my ankle more. Luckily, the bags were filled with plushies.

Ran into an old computer moniter in the hall. WHY dad put it in the NARROW hall is beyond me.

Tripped over Yuuki's shoes in the the family room. Then over my dad's. WHY they were there, I don't know...

When cleaning up the living room, I crashed into the Christmas tree.

I walked right into my desk in the living room. Decided I'd organize it later.

Walked into my room to fix my desk and crashed into my bed.

Cleaned up Yuuki's room while he played Crash (ALL DAY) and walked right into his wall. Nice.

Thought I'd print something for homework, but I tripped over the printer cable.

Got a paper cut from the poster. That's not everything, but I can't remember the rest. Lol. Anyway. My ankle is really swollen, and my mom still can't believe I could crash into the sofa when it's so huge. Haha! Yeah.

Well...if this stuff happens to me tomorrow, I know I'm not gonna like the rest of the year. Lol! But anyway, happy new year to everyone!

Jeff! You're too sweet, and I need to tell you that I love you! Same to Nikki and Wes. You guys are the best! Can't wait for Disneyland ^_^

Shini-chan had a vision on Saturday, December 31, 2005 at 09:20 p.m.

First, lemme give you the entries I wrote while I was at Cali!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005: Arrival
Listening to: Complicated by Bon Jovi
Mood: Dizzy
Whoo! We got to Cali about two hours ago, and in all honesty, I'm bored. That's why I decided to write xD I've got a massive headache right now, and it's super annoying T_T

Ohkay. This morning I woke up at 2:00. I could not sleep. Let's see...urr...yeah. The ride over wasn't fun this time; my mommy drove, so I basically only had my brother to talk to. It was only fun while we played "I Spy" but it got boring after too long. Plus, I get sick if I don't look outside ^^; And this time, I didn't laugh too much becuase my mommy drove >_< She's always the one who makes me laugh! No fun!

Well, once we got here, we ate food from Pollo Loco, which is really good. I ate a lot, okay, Nessa? Heheh -grin-

Afterwards, I got bored...again...so I fixed my super messy hair and talked to JJ for a little while. And here I am now, watching my brother play Jak X: Combat Racing and messing with all the colors for the cars! I'd play, too, but my cousins only have one control. Which is really weird o_0 They're spoiled! They've got FOUR PS2's! One at my aunt's house (their grandma's house, which is where we are now), two at theire house, ad one in their car! Lol. But I love them. And now I have to wait about a half hour to see Omar. I'll go read my book now. Ja ne!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005: Birthday
Listening to: I'm in Love with my Guitar by Alexz Johnson
Mood: Clam
First, I have to say happy birthday to my little Yuuki-kun! Happy birthday, my sweet, dear, and dorky little bro!

Now. This isn't cool. e aren't really gonna see Omar a whole lot this time; he's got school until...well, tomorrow xD But my aunt's sick, which means she can't bring him over. Oh well, right?

Yesterday, I talked to Tony! And JJ, but you already knew that. So, it was a pretty normal, boring day. Absolutely nothing special.

Today, though, I got a call from Jeff. He yelled at me =P And if you're reading this, Jeff, you know because I told you. Lol.

So today we just went shopping and I found absolutely nothing for Jeff or Wes.

Now, I'm just hoping to get a call from Omar or better yet, a visit. But I doubt it'll happen -_- So, I'm just hanging out, taking care of my little cousin Carolyn and listening to my Alexz Johnson CD. Cause she rocks! Actually, I should prolly call Jeff now. Oh, I know who I'll call! No, NVM. Wait...no. Anuyway! Yeah, more later, I guess? Prolly. Ja ne!

Saturday, December 24, 2005: Christmas Eve
Listening to: Ratchet & Clank: Up your Arsenal
Mood: Excited
Alright. We're having tamales tonight! Finally! Wow, my cursive looks super weird right now o_0 Keep in mind, I'm writing this out! So, my conversations with Jeff yesterday were super fun. Yup yup!

Ohkay. We watched War of the Worlds yesterday, so I didn't feel like calling anyone. But, Mr. Rodriquez was texting me during the movie xD Lol. I tried calling Wes once the movie was over, but no one picked up.... He HAS to call me today. And tomorrow.

Right now, we're gonna have breakfast and wait for Omar! Yey! So, more later! Ja ne!

That was all I wrote this time. Which is weird, becuase, you know, I was BORED. Actually, I think that's why I didn't write; I had nothing to write about. But Christmas eve was super amazing. And we took the funnest pictures! I'll upload my favorites (prolly with Yuuki, Omar, and me...I love the 'dogpile' picture! That was super fun!)! Err...let's see. Vacation wasn't exactly anything exciting. Not this time. But I watched the Disney Christmas parade on Christmas day! And I loved it! Yey yey! They sang a lot of my favorite songs!
,br> Right now, I'm shleepy o_0 Weird. So, I'll blog more tomorrow morning. Hopefully. Oyasumi!

Listening to: She Will be Loved - Maroon 5
Mood: Sick

Shini-chan had a vision on Wednesday, December 28, 2005 at 07:54 p.m.

"Painful Return"

Why does it hurt? Why can't I let go? Yes, I've moved on. But...every time I see something that reminds me of him, I just can't help but think. I believed his promise. And no, this isn't Wes. It was before him. Weston would never make a promise to me if he didn't inted to keep it. I remember...I even wrote it down. He'd tell me such sweet things, and I would write them down to remember. And there's the proof. And he told me. This is EXACTLY what he told me... "I'd rather wipe away your tears." I don't know what sentence came before that. But I remember him promising he'd never hurt me. Never make me cry. Yet, he was the source of my sorrow countless times. I wish I could forget the pain. I wish the scar...no...the scars...in my heart would heal. But then again...a scar never really heals, does it? A scar is there forever, reminding you of the pain you suffered. The scars on the bodies of cutters...they'll never heal.

And, no, Melissa. A cutter DOESN'T just have to slit wrists. There's no specific place to cut. And the cuts don't have to be small. The only thing that defines a cutter is this: a sharp object is used to pierce through the skin...and the mark left doesn't disapper (at least not for a few hours). THAT defines a cutter. Just becuase you were one doesn't mean you know all there is to know. Just becuase you were one doesn't mean every other cutter in the world is exactly the same as you are. And your words to me, "A cutter doesn't do that; I would know," well...you WOULDN'T, because a cutter's personality NEVER has to be defined. Cutters are people too, aren't they? And people's personalities don't have to be defined. Just thought I'd let you know. And I'm not suggesting anything. Just making a comparison and making a link to a conversation.

Yes. Painful return. For more than one reason. So much I miss, and so much I can't bear to remember. So whatever the exact definition of nostalgia is, I can tell you that I'm definitely feeling it now. Anyway. I'm being a little too gloomy! It isn't right! It's Christmas! No sense in being so upset so close to the holidays! But...this year just doesn't feel like Christmas to me. During Christmas...my family isn't supposed to fight. And even my brother and I get along perfectly. But not this year. I think it's because he's growing up. Then again, I wasn't like him.... And my parents. They're just...well, never mind about them *grin* Yeah. Hopefully we can get away from all of this while we're at California!

I really wouldn't mind seeing Weston sometime this month. I want to wish him a merry Christmas. He's an amazing person. And he isn't a jerk. He's sweet. Even though things between us didn't work out, he's still keeping in touch with me, he's still talking to me like we're best friends, and he's still offering to take me out when he's old enough to drive. He wants to take me to Dairy Queen...maybe it'd happen sooner if I told him I've only gotten anything from there twice and the last time was about five years ago. When I was in fourth grade. Did I do the math right? Yea.

Ohkay. What the heck?! They're playing with static electricity. And they're touching me.

So. Today's I guess was mostly flashback? I dunno. But I may as well get rid of all this now and not feel miserable during Christmas, right? I wish I could get in touch with Wes. He's easy to talk to. I could tell him everything. And I'd feel a lot better if he listened. But he's not home. Grr. Actually, I'm just assuming he's at a friend's house, since he said he'd HOPEFULLY be gone. And I don't wanna bug.

Ohkay. Well, I'll prolly blog later, since vacation's started. And my next entries won't be nearly as upsetting. I can assure you of that. So yeah. Ja ne!

Mood: nostalgic
Listening to: Adeste Fideles (but I dunno who's singing)

Shini-chan had a vision on Saturday, December 17, 2005 at 05:03 p.m.

Christmas and Other Stuff

Woohoo! ôIt's beginning to look a lot like Christmasô Yesh, I'm DEFINITELY in the Christmas spirit! Well...sorta. Heheh. I guess it could be better, but no biggie, right? I should make the most of it! And right now, things are amazing! Well, close enough, anyway.

TJ asked me out. But I know one of us would end up getting hurt. I don't wanna hurt him. If I went out with him, I'd be a bad person because I'm make him miserable, and myself as well. I mean, if I don't like someone, what's the point in deceiving them and denying my heart, right? No one wins because everything's a lie. Then Xavy asked me out, but he didn't even wait for an answer. Weird thing is, though, I thought he already had a girlfriend...I'm gonna have to find out what's going on. Right now, though, I don't think there's anyone I've got a crush on or anything. Not in love, and loving it. I don't wanna sound like a slut, but I like being able to flirt with guys knowing I've got no commitment. It's cool. But then again, I like knowing there's someone I can count on, even if something happened between me and my friends. So yeah.

Err...got in trouble with my dad, but that isn't a big surprise. It's so like him. We hardly ever talk or even see a lot of each other for that matter, and when he DOES talk to me, it's just to yell at me. Or that's the way things end up. But I can rarely have a calm conversation with my dad. No biggie though. I just hope he'll still take us to the movies on Saturday.

AH! WAFFLES JUST GOT ONLINE!

Stuff at school is pretty okay. I'm just freaking out about Mrs. Bristow's 400 point essay due next Monday and her Finals. Yup. And I'm reading a book. For her winter reading assignment. Which sucks. But I chose Alice in Wonderland. So at least I'll have fun with it. Alice is a WHOLE lot...sillier...in the book than in the Disney movie. It's kinda cute, though. I love it.

Well...I'm gonna go read now. I'm already half asleep as it is, and knowing me, I'd say that I'll fall asleep with the book in my hands. It happens a lot. So yeah. Plus, if I read now, it gives me a head start! Yey! I might be able to finish it by next week. Oh, you know, I prolly WILL, since I've got finals and early release for three days next week, and finals means no homework! YES! Anyway.... Oyasumi!

Mood: sleepy
Listening to: Music from the Christmas tree (lights)

Shini-chan had a vision on Tuesday, December 6, 2005 at 08:26 p.m.

-sigh-

Melissa was super sad today. Jeff was gone today. Yup yup. Oh well. I made Melissa feel better, though, and I'm glad I was able to!

Ohkay...some stuff isn't my business to say. In fact, none of this is. Lol. But I got stuck in the middle. Like always. I guess I won't say, actually...

Today was so...weird, I guess. And I think the only good thing about it was that Mr. Rodriquez was super happy and he kept coming over to hug me. Let's see:

First period was heartbreaking. No, no boyfriend, no crush, NOTHING. But it was. Second period was so BORING. But I did manage to get a few laughs, so that was cool! Then third period...yesh, I loved third period, like always. Even though Mr. Rodriquez is gonna end up suffocating me with his hugs one day xD But he gives the best hugs, so yeah. Fourth period...was a lot of work. But that's typical. And I chose to read Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll for my winter reading assignment. Maybe I should have chosen Aesop's Fables instead...I love those stories. Anyway. Advisory...was boring. But Eric helped me with my essay content and structure, so I know what to do this weekend. Lunch. Nikki and I had fun. Talked a lot. Yeah. Seventh period. Nessa and I got the homework done in class. Eighth period. Test. Drawing shapes on the map. Wow. That was fun.

Oh! But Ricky and I are talking more often. That's cool. He's such a sweetheart! Nope. No crush. I think I'm through with crushes for a while. Besides, I'd much rather get to be Ricky's friend. And I really think that it'll happen, jsut becuase he's so cool. If you look at him, he looks all tough and intimidating. No, he's not big, but he's got a gangster look to him, ya know? It's not a big deal, but it's there. Get to know him, though, and you realize no one could be sweeter. Again. No crush. Not on Ricky. No way. It's just...I'm a person who's evidently really easy to let go of. I doubt there's a person out there who will tell me he loves me and mean it. No, that's not true, either. I know Wes loves me. I know Ben loves me. I know Jeff loves me. I know Nikki loves me. And I'm pretty sure JJ loves me xD (inside joke and I'll never let him live it down!) I know my friends love me. But you know what I mean, right? If a guy goes out with me, he's keeping his eyes open, looking for another girl, or he'll totally ignore me when another girl's around so he can flirt with her. But that's life. One day I'll find someone, though. So I'm not worried. But until then, I'm gonna make the best of everything. Besides...it's nice to be able to flirt with all the guys xD I'm definitely a flirt. But not a bad person. At least I hope not.

So...other than that, I guess there's nothing new. Nothing interesting is going on. Omg! This is too awesome!

"The Fox and the Leopard" - an Aesop Fable
The Fox and the Leopard disputed which was the more beautiful of the two. The Leopard exhibited one by one the various spots which decorated his skin. But the Fox, interrupting him, said, "And how much more beautiful than you am I, who am decorated, not in body, but in mind."

Too cool. How amazing is that? So awesome! I just wish people weren't too blind, too superficial to understand that. It's amazing. And it's true.

Well, I've nothing to do right now. And I'm putting homework off until tomorrow becuase my dad's home. Weird, I know. Oh well. So, more later then! Ja ne!

Mood: no comment
Listening to: Japanese news

Shini-chan had a vision on Friday, December 2, 2005 at 05:18 p.m.