What a bunch of fucking hypocrites.

It's sad to say that I'm really no different.
But at least I admit it.

Everyone is a hypocrite at one point or another. And I know full well that I'm just as guilty, if not more so, as everyone else. I'm a hypocrite.

Don't pretend to be something you're not. And don't try to use the pity factor to get people to believe you.

Sweet, innocent little Jenny. Everyone always believes her. She never does anything to hurt anyone. What a bunch of bullshit. Everyone knows full well that I do. I'm by no means some angel or saint. I'm not the goody-two-shoes that everyone thinks I am. Is it my fault that everyone just happens to continue to believe that about me? No. It's not. If you choose to believe that, then it's your own damn fault, and I can't do anything about it.

Yes, I talk bad about people. I'm sorry I need to vent.

Yes, I say things I don't mean. I'm sorry for speaking without thinking.

Yes, I make mistakes. I'm sorry I'm only human.

But again. I admit to it. And that's so much more than I can say for a lot of people.

I know I'm not a good person. But I know that there are good things about me. Or at least...I like to think there are.

It's funny. Just when I start to believe that maybe people really do mean it when they say that I don't give myself enough credit, just when I start to believe that maybe I am a lot more than what I think...something or someone goes and screws it up. It's sickening.

Why would you go and talk crap about me like that? Seriously? You of all people should know what it's like to go through so much shit. Why do you try and put someone else through it all?

Fuck it.

Today...I made the realization again. I remembered why it is that I rely on only my journals. I remembered why I can't count on people. I remembered. Words can be twisted and manipulated. Words spoken from one person mean something different when they're interpreted by another. Especially someone who means you harm.

I remember now why I can't trust people.
It hurts to be stabbed in the back time and time again.

So, I decided...no more. I'm done. Keep shoving that knife into me and see how far you can get it. But I swear to you that it won't hurt me anymore. As far as I'm concerned, that part of me, the one that wanted so much to be able to trust everyone and give second chances (and so many more than that)...it's gone. It's dead.

Reality hurts. That part of me that wanted to believe that second chances could fix people...that part of me that wanted to think everyone could be trusted...it's not coming back. Keep backstabbing me and turn that knife a full 360, but what's it gonna do anymore? You can't kill something that's already dead. You can't hurt it anymore; it feels no pain.

But I will say this. I pity anyone who keeps trying. You've already succeeded in getting rid of part of me. Why try anymore? I'm stronger than that. I won't let you. The fact that I don't trust everyone has only made me stronger. I made the same mistake of trusting the same people more than twice. No, I didn't learn. Because I was so naive. Because I wanted so much to believe that everyone could be trusted. I was wrong.

To you who have made this painfully clear to me: thank you. I'm strong. I won't let you bring me down anymore. I won't give your sick minds the satisfaction. I won't let you. So do to me what you will, and say what you want. I pity you.

I know the few who truly care.
The ones who never stabbed me in the back.
The ones who always picked me up.
The ones who will never betray me.

To Monique:
For listening to me rant. For always greeting me with a smile, even if I walked up to you in the bitchiest mood. For telling me you love me and calling me your wifey (:D) even when I was sick and tired of the world. For being one of the most amazing people in my life. For always supporting me, for always having my back. For always cracking jokes and making me smile, no matter how angry I was. For listening to my every complaint. Thank you <3

To Jey:
I don't even know where to begin. I can call you at freaking two in the morning, and you'll pick up the phone, asking if everything's ok. Asking if I need anything. I complain to you about the stupidest things in the world, and I worry about the silliest situations. Even when we both know there's nothing to worry about. You're willing to come all the way down from Tucson (well, Phoenix this past weekend) just to see me. How do you do it? You smile and laugh when we're on the phone. You make fun of me and kid around with me, even when I'm upset and you know it, and somehow, you still manage to make me smile. Even when I don't want to. Even when I try so hard to stop myself. You still make me smile. I'm the biggest annoyance, I can be a real witch a lot of the time...and you still manage to deal with that? How do you do it, JJ? The ridiculousness of some of the things I tell you...how do you not laugh at me? How is it that you can always find it in your heart to sympathize with me and tell me that everything will be alright? I don't deserve you. You're so amazing. You're incredibly loyal, I can trust you with my deepest secrets, I know you won't betray me, I know you would never hurt me...Jey, how on earth do you do it? How do you put up with someone like me? So many girls on this earth would kill to have someone like you. So many girls would kill to have the kind of relationship that we have. Our conversations can consist of anything from serious real-life drama at school to politics and beliefs to randomness (like...if a waffle maker is really necessary to make waffles). How many girls would love a guy like that? I can tell you, hey, this is exactly what I think about the bomb on Hiroshima and the bomb on Nagasaki, or, this is exactly what I think about abortion. And I can tell you, I hate how all this crap happens, and I don't know why. I can tell you, home sucks and I just wanna get out. I can tell you, I ate a bunch of strawberries and chocolate today, so I was super happy. I can tell you, I found the bow I lost two days ago. I can tell you, this is what's going on in journalism, and this is why it's amazing. And anything you disagree with...you can argue your own point. And we both accept each other's opinions. And it doesn't affect us in a negative way. If anything, it goes to show how strong we are. Darling, I'm sorry I've been so moody lately, and I'm sorry I was upset with you. I'm really sorry if I hurt you...because you know that's the last thing I would ever want to do. I care about you too much to do that. So, I'm sorry I've been so difficult. But thank you so much for trying to find a reason behind it. Thank you so much for understanding and telling me it's just because I'm stressed, it's because I have a lot on my mind, because a lot is going on, because everything is just getting difficult. I don't know how it happened that I'm the lucky girl who gets to date you (I totally stole your line :]). Thanks for always being there and not stabbing me in the back. Thanks for believing in me. I love you. Forever and ever.

After being brought down as much as I have...it's nice to know that there are those who will never turn their back on me. And they've proven it. Nikki cracking jokes and making me smile at our sleepovers full of girl-talk...Jey driving down to Nogales to get me pain killers that WOULDN'T be bad for me...you can't top that. I have the best friends in the whole freaking world.

I want to thank you guys for standing by my side at all times. I want to thank you for showing me that there are people worth trusting <3 And those very few...I'm lucky enough to have them.

Mood: not so angry anymore
Listening to: Never too Late - Three Days Grace