Quizes, because I was bored. Not to mention I haven't taken any in a while. Besides...these kinda lifted my mood a little, so I guess it was worth the wasted time. A bit contradictory, ne? But, like any paradox, it makes perfect sense.

You scored as Not Selfish, Unknown. You're not selfish, but you won't believe it. You truly believe that you're too self-centered, too arrogant and too selfish, but in truth, that's wrong. You give out more than you think you do, and you never expect anything in return. Even when you get it in return, you convince yourself that you don't deserve it. Trust yourself a little more, human desires exist, but human desires are not always sins and does not always mean you are selfish. Not Selfish, Unknown 100% Not Selfish, Known 88% Slightly selfish, Known 25% Selfish, Unknown 0% How selfish are you? created with QuizFarm.com

That first one's pretty funny one. That second one has to be all lies. And that third one...well, I decided not to put it up. Lol. Right now...I'm so grateful that I'm alive, regardless of how horrible and terrible I feel. I'm glad I'm here, and I'm glad I met all the people that I did.

I just kinda wish there wasn't so much drama all the time. That'd be nice. But it's high school. What can you do? I'll lose friends over it...that's fine. I'll lose a lot...certainly a lot more than I'll gain. But...it's alright. I don't mind.

But if people are fake, why can't they just tell me? I'd like that. I really would. I'm tired of having pretend friends. I'm tired of now knowing who I can trust. I'm tired of it. Still...what can you do? Oh well.

Right now...I'm tyring my hardest to be strong. I'm doing my best to keep a smile on...no matter how difficult it is. I'm doing my best to avoid talking to those I've gone to repeately in the past. I'm doing that for myself. It's selfish. I know I shouldn't bother my friends with my problems...but I'm not not telling thim for them...I'm doing it for me. I'm doing it to prove to myself that I'm actually at least half a decent human being.

They say I am. It doesn't feel like it. I'm putting myself through lots of hard times...just to prove something to myself. And I'll make it. It hurts. A lot. And it hurts that he might never know...he knows what I have to deal with. But...I guess I should be glad. It's better if he doesn't know the things I put myself through. It's better if it stays a seret from him.

Who do I mean? My big brother, of course. Who else? It's scary to think he won't be here next year. But if I can get through the rest of the year solely on a smile...no matter how much effort it takes, and no matter how false it may be...I will have completed the year knowing I can be strong. Besides...I've realized that if I can keep a smile, even a fake one...eventually, I'll find something to really smile about. And I'll end up with a genuine smile, for the most part.

No more pessimism. I'm done being scared and upset. I'm done being so stressed becuase of FFA. It took Thursday to realize it. So I'm done. From now on...I'll be more optimistic. Of course, I can't guarantee anything for my blog entries. But I can definitely try at school.

More later, then. Ja ne.

Mood: tired
Listening to: Papercut - Linkin Park

Well. I've never seen so much drama. Ha. Whatever, I guess. No big deal. No...that's a lie. It is a big deal.

So all this happened because of elections. More specifically, because of me.

I kept it a secret that I was running. It was...a suggestion made to me. I decided to take it.

Who knew something like that would cause a lot more problems than it'd solve. I'm sorry for trying to keep my own secret. I'm sorry for trying to keep something to myself.

Sad thing is, I apologized to her. And she didn't care. I apologized in the most sincere way I know how. I couldn't have meant it anymore. But it seemed like she was purposely trying to make me feel bad. I'm not saying she was. It's just how it seemed. I gave my most heartfelt apology...but she only continued to say, "It just makes me mad that you were trying to hide it from ME. Blah, blah, blah..." whatever. She kept rambling. How many times did she want me to apologize? Honestly. And she said she felt like I was trying to get her to apologize. I wouldn't. Bevcause I knew she hadn't done anything wrong. And she told me not to give her attitude. Whatever. Apparently, she's not used to getting apologies if she thought I was giving her attitude. She must be used to staying in conflict with people.

That was mean. Really mean. It's just that I don't know what to do in order to vent. Apparently there aren't a whole lot of people I can talk to. Word always gets out. It's always about me. And most of the time, I don't even konw what I've done.

But yeah. It's my fault. It's always my fault. Everything's always my fauilt. Everywhere, whenever something goes wrong. It's my fault. Solely mine. At home, if there's a conflict, it's because of me. At school with FFA, conflicts happen because of me. Always my fault. Apparently I can't do anything right.

How ironic that people tell me I'm a person who is trustworthy, I'm a person with ethics, I'm a good, honest person. I've never believed it, of course. Especially not with all that goes on. I've never believed it. But I do believe that everyone walks all over me. Okay, not everyone, but lots of people. I'm pretty easy to take advantage of. I'm fully aware of that; I can see it clearly.

Anyway. More later. I guess.

Mood: almost angry...not exactly
Listening to: Sad but True - Metallica

Fwee!!! I'm so happy right now!!! Yey!!! Heheh. I dunno why, but I am.

Okay, I do know xD it's because I talked to Jey. Whenever something's wrong, I know I can talk to him and tell him literally everything that's wrong. I did that yesterday. I think I bothered him, which is why I always end up feeling bad...but he makes he happy. He tells me that it hurts him to see me upset, and he said he'll always be there. So I know I can count on him =) I feel happy when I talk to him because I get everything off my chest...which is really all I need.

So...this entry was kinda pointless cause I gotta go now xD Ja ne!

Mood: happy
Listening to: South Park on television

I'm feeling so weird right now. It's a mix of good and bad.

FFA is so weird. I'm running (I'll keep the office a secret, just in case, though, until after the elections), and I feel like it's causing lots of problems for me. I'm being excluded (purposely excluded) from activities...well, sorta. For example, we had a plant sale at Garrett's yesterday. The advisor, Jey, Billy, Juan, and I were all sitting around a table. One of the members was taking pictures, and first, she took a picture of Billy. Then, one of "the advisor at work," as she said. Next, it was Juan doing nothing. Then Jey, just standing there. Then she walked away. I didn't think anything of it until our chapter reporter came to take a picture of Ms. Hester. She told her to take a picture of me and Jey instead, since we didn't have one. Well, she did. Then when I looked through the pictures, it turns out she had deleted it. Maybe I'm just being stupid, but that kinda hurt.

It's not like Jey belongs to her. He really doesn't. He's my friend, too. And I'm sure I get along with him and treat him a whole lot better than our reporter does. Sometimes, though, I feel like...my friendship with Jey doesn't do anything except for cause me problems within FFA. Our reporter hates me for it; she told the greenhands. And then her friends end up hating me for it, too. So I end up hurting. I love that boy too much. I really do. No, it's not like I'm in love, but it's like...I love him like a brother. And I can't imagine staying away from him. He's the kind of person you really don't wanna lose. And I can't believe how he manages to put up with me. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better for me to just stay out of FFA...to drop the class when I had the chance. But I don't wanna let Ms. Hester down. And I don't wanna let Jey down, either...not after everything that he's done for me. I don't wanna let the members down. A lot of them this year have told me they don't want the reporter to become the president.

They're the ones who convinced me to run. I don't want them to feel disappointment. I don't want Jey and Mrs. Hester to be let down. I love them too much. I guess that it's true. I really do have to pay a price and make sacrifices if I want something bad enough. I want to make everyone proud and happy. For that, I've gotta put up with all the things going on right now.

I know I haven't done anything wrong. I can finally say that I truly feel like someone is actually jealous of me. What other reason would the other girls have for excluding me. It's never the guys, it's always the girls. They're afraid. I can say that and believe what I'm saying. Because I know I haven't done anything wrong.

Anyway. I guess I should go. I'm nervous about all the elections. I'm stressed with all my schoolwork. I'm upset because of problems with people. I'm angry with situations at home. But I'll get through it. I always do. Things might not be okay. As I've learned, things don't always turn out alright. But I do manage to get through it, no matter how tough it might seem.

Mood: okay
Listening to: Kiss the Rain - Yurima