was it something i said?

1-31-01 310pm
tonight i go to some focus group thing for KFOG at 8pm and i am real excited about it but i am not sure i can last that long. i have been working a lot lately and i certainly am not used to that at all. i had a maximum of four hours of sleep last night and i am hurting today. i went to a lame ass berkeley city council hearing last night and heard those bastards were grandstanding about this and that and it was killing me. that council is a horrible representation of a really great place. first of all they are all too old. i don't mind some older folks being there but they aren't in tune with what the youth of berkeley want and barely know what they want. they just love to go on and on, as if mesmerized by the sound of their own voice. pontifficating about crap they have no first hand knowledge of. lots of bickering and pompousness that makes their meetings at least three times as long as necessary. so anyway, now i am tired because their meeting lasted past 11pm last night and i then had to do some work to ready myself for a 9am meeting in pleasanton today. the real sad part of that is i was the only one on time to that meeting! but the meeting went extremely well so i was pretty happy about that. i can't say that i take much pride in my work but i always feel good when stuff goes right for me. i am looking forward to the KFOG thing because i listen to that station a lot and would like for them to know how i think they could improve their playlist. i will recommend playing paul weller and westerberg, more lesser known bands and just weening themselves a bit more from the pre-80's rock. they're gonna give me food, drink and $25 so you know i can't go wrong. as long as i stay awake. saw emo for lunch today and it took all my strength not to reach across the table with both hands and shake the hell out of him so that he would wake up and get going with enjoying his time off. i know i would be feeling lethargic and unsure of what i wanted to do with my days if i was in his shoes, but because i am not, but wish i was, i can think of thousands of things i would want to do on a beautiful day like today. he said he would keep walking the streets today and not go home so i guess that's a start. and let me also say that he is no unmotivated lagger that likes to lounge his days away by marinating in front of the tube. it's just that he has been running solo during the daytime for a couple weeks now so he is getting tired of his own company when going to do stuff. he'll come around. our trip to d.c. starts for him in two weeks. that will be a blast! until then i gotta bust a nut to get stuff done so i can leave guilt-free (as if i would really be crying on the plane if i left some work outstanding). the one good thing about being up late last night was that i could call my friend in amsterdam that i will be staying with and ask about what days would be good to come. looks like i will be heading there april 11 and returning the 24th. right now i will be heading back to work though. i got a little buzz from a writing high and i think i will make it through the day.

1-29-01 138pm
so maybe only miss jackson read the original version of my early morning entry of yesterday, which is nice. she is cool enough that i don't mind it when she mercilessly mocks my shortcomings as a late night writer. there is something in her sarcastic tone that gives me a certain comfort level with her beratings. i guess it is sort of like having an external, internal editor. which is probably the best kind to have. lost some money gambling in gardnerville but sort of won it back on the super bowl. i say "sort of" because the bet wasn't mine to begin with but in the end it is. it goes like this: B wants K to place several bets for him. B's bets only total $90 and K has a hundred dollar bill that he is placing the bets with so he decides to bump one of the bets up $10 to make the bets total an even $100. that bet gave 15 to 1 odds, so with that $10, K wins $150. that's the way i see it and i am sticking to it. e-mail me if you think i am in the wrong and perhaps i will tell B what K did. i am bummed that i didn't take any pictures of my buddy Bert's kid while i was up there. in fact i don't have any pictures to commemorate the weekend. well, except in my mind. in that case my favorite picture is of Bert sleeping on the floor at the end of saturday night. it reminded me of another time he and hit the town and i got a speeding ticket but no dui. silly, fun, stupid but it happened a long time ago and i don't take those chances anymore . . . that's my story and i am sticking to it. anyhow, it is always good to hang with Bert. his house and surrounding areas look great with snow lightly covering everything. even though he doesn't live that far away i probably won't make it back up there again until summer. i have lots of work this week so i won't be updating this page for the rest of this week (sorry Devlin) but check back next monday and i am sure to have something for you.

1-28-01 1218pm
it's super bowl sunday but i am not in a super mood. i feel pretty bad about a couple of e-mails i let slip out last night. not because they said anything that was necessarily bad but it just wasn't anything i would have said sober. maybe i needed the liquid courage to get them out but maybe it would have been better not to send them at all. we'll see. since i don't usually have access to a computer except at work i was unfamiliar with how easy (and funny at the time) it would be to start opening up online after a few drinks. my bad. oh well, too late now to move backwards in time and undo so i'll just move on. i have got to get down to that cabin where my co-workers are and show my face. then i think i will leave at halftime to make sure i beat any traffic back up to Reno for my flight at 8pm. should be a good day. i already did a bunch of manly farm chores so i feel good. remember: no more late night entries or lyrics unless really necessary.

1-28-01 145am
a long day comes to a close. it started with a plane ride and a bumpy landing in reno and now it ends with a long journal entry. i actually just had a real long entry but somehow it was lost. after meeting up with Bert here in Gardnerville we hung out and then made our way to dinner. it was a bountiful dinner at a Basque restaurant. for appetizers they automatically give you soup, salad, beans and beef stew. kind of crazy but nicely filling. i had the lamb for dinner and it was very good. along with that i had about six very small glasses of red wine. the wine came from some no label-having screw top bottle so you knew it was the good stuff. oh, i did start the night there with pican punch which is some sort of hard liquor mixture that is a restaurant specialty. and maybe before that i had a martini before leaving Bert's house. but i was driving so i paced myself! i proceeded to have three glasses of sierra nevada at the next bar, but that was over a good amount of time. i played some black jack and quickly lost $50. then we moved on to the next bar (even though that first bar had some pretty good karaoke singers - no lie!). country is not my music but i respect it. i respect it as a whiny ass way to express yourself when you have no sense of rythm. i said that purely for comical value. anyway, the new bar had a pool table and beers as well. after admiring how the 50 year old looking methamphetamine pushers had 20something wives, i knew i had no chance of meeting normal women at this bar. plus it was called the French Bar, and if you know me, me and Frenchie don't mix well. anyway, i only had a few beers there and played about seven games of pool (that is your key to knowing i musta had more beers than that) i took my crew and left. the funny thing about that was that i was oblivious to the fact that the chicks from Diamond Bar sittng next to me were a little bit interested. when i got up they said, "you're not leaving are you?" and i said, "yeah. go ahead and take my chair" because i thought that is what they were getting at. anyway no big loss. my mind has been stuck on K, or should i call her Kay. hmm. my mental editor is down right now, but something is telling me that this isn't the place or time to get any farther into that discussion. i will just generally say that i haven't evolved much in my insecurities about myself and my comfort level when meeting women. i can have real high hopes for a relationship but i will also always devise an escape plan. and it is real hard to move forward when you are also thinking about the best way out. okay so you got that out of me. right now "all the mighty arms of madness hold the heavens from the earth". i have got a bit more beer and a hankering to say a bit more. so i hear my journal calling. i don't care that i didn't meet up with my co-workers in south lake tahoe because tonight was as good as it gets. well, not quite, but given the parameters it was very good. Bert was certainly out of training for the kind of drinking we did tonight. as i write this he is sleeping on the floor near my feet. at first he was reading over my shoulder and giving me editing advice. now he is out like a proverbial light. "sleep, sleep tonight. if the thunder cloud passes rain, so let it rain, rain on me." mental note: don't write e-mails or pita entries after midnight. it is much too scary.

1-26-01 Noonish
as my memory washes back in like the returning tide of fate, i remember a couple things emo said. one was about a friend of his who had a less than flattering opinion of me because she had only met me a couple of times and they were when i was on a rambunctious high from being out and about. i suppose it shouldn't bother me except that the first time i met her i was trying to be nice. since she is a friend of emo's i tried to make a good first impression. but that night she wasn't talking much so maybe it wasn't all me. i don't go out of my way to make sure people i meet like me unless there is some reason. i am certianly no misanthrope but i am pretty ambivalent when meeting people for the first time in a public setting. i figure it's a 50-50 chance i will or will not like them so why try too hard at the beginning. i must admit that i usually try a bit harder if the stranger is female. so given all that, i am a bit put off that topher's friend didn't like me. i thought she was cool in her own little young-and-wanting-to be-noticed-as-different way. all right. i hear you reading this and saying "get over it." now that i have had my say, i have. i guess that is why finding someone who understands who you are as a whole and accepts you on those terms is a very special person. friends' friends, hmph. (just kidding chris) i am way too excited about the weekend and the infinite possibilities to hold any grudges. besides i think she is cool with me now. so it's just like beating Moby in pool in the end: vengeance is mine. you go De Niro-boy!

1-26-01 1045am
Moby beat me in pool last night. i could tell he didn't like me calling him Moby so i chilled on that but he still beat me. Topher and i were at the Elbo Room doing battle and quaffing some cold $2 pints of anchor steam. it was nice. especially since i hadn't been out at all this week and i hadn't seen him in awhile. the funniest part of the whole night had to be when he accused me of giving him an extra chance to try and come back and beat me. HA HA HA HA! i would NEVER do that. i am WAY too competitive for that. now maybe if he was a girl and it was our first date, then MAYBE i would take it light and miss a shot here or there. but the ideal date would be the one where i wouldn't have to play down because she could beat me on any given night. but give HIM an extra chance? yeah right! that's COMEDY, pure comedy. especially since it was coming from someone who knows me fairly well. no me digas tonterias senor. (my spanish for the week). in between pool (when we were sitting and Moby was running the table on other pedestrians) chris and i had a pretty good talk. mark is away so i was dying to bounce some ideas off of somebody and emo was up for it. he told me some shit and i was pretty open about some shit which made for good conversation. but that sixth anchor played tricks with my memory skills so now i can't remember everything he said but it was good advice, i remember that. the other funny thing about last night was that i was pretty buzzed after three beers. but chris, being the relentless pusher that he is, forced me to drink more. now that's funny too, and on so many levels. after our talk i got back on the table and beat Moby so that was sweet. then i went home and made myself a veggie burrito because i was starving. no wine, no fire, but i did look at some poems and modified them a bit. meant to send a couple out today but left them at home. i attribute that brain fart to chris and the sixth anchor steam. but here comes the weekend, should be great.

1-25-01
everything today has been going real well - except for the part where i almost hit a pedestrian on my ride in to work. it is sort of a long story because not only did i almost hit him with my car but he almost turned mr. hand into mr. fist. it was interesting because throughout our encounter he didn't say a word. hard to get too mad at someone who doesn't say anything. ahhh, but my meeting in pleasanton was postponed so that lifted some weight off my shoulders and i got a co-worker to do some of my work so that was cool too. my sister treated for lunch and now the rain is coming down - sweet. i have been meaning to just take it easy and write by fire light but because of work i haven't been able to do so. tonight will be the night though. Mark is in alaska so i can roam free at the crizzo. and then this weekend should be a nice one in Reno/Tahoe visiting with my friend Bert and his baby and then partying with random co-workers and friends for the super bowl. just getting away from the daily grind of work will be nice. i love the snow but i don't like the cold, well not the bitter cold. that is my only hesitance about going to DC, the cold. other than that, i can see a lot of good conversations and hot toddys in my future there. there are a couple of conversations i am looking forward to more than others, but they will all be good. Chris better be busy planning some stuff to do during thurs- and friday. the nights will certainly take care of themselves. haven't heard back from suhail but hopefully he will be around then too. i feel bad about giving him such a hard time about being a republican because i don't really view him as a republican but rather a good friend. i always vent on him about what his party is up to but i should let that slide. it's important because as i gain other friends who are republicans i don't want to do the same to them. i just want to enjoy their company. hmmm. i will think on that as i sip and write tonight.

1-23-01 659pm
i am getting killed at work these days but i am so happy about my personal life that i am not bothered by it. the only problem is that i have too dreamy of an outlook on life because of my happy personal relationships and i am not bearing down and getting my work done at this crunch time. instead i am thinking about ideas for poems, seeing Bert and his new baby this weekend, going to d.c., going to amsterdam and just having fun. i should be thinking about how i am going to get all my projects at work complete before i get fired. but i can't! i am just too damn happy. but tonight i am working late to catch up on things but i am also sending out a flurry of e-mails and thinking how good that first glass of wine is gonna taste when i get home. i can see an easy half bottle in my future and it looks real good. wine and my journal, i can't wait. oh, but i have all this work to do by tomorrow so i can't go anywhere yet. but still i dream. oh well, i guess i will get fired, become a pauper and go live with my brother and just write. if those are the true alternatives, i think i will just sit here and dream some more . . . okay, better get back to work or The Man will be really be upset with me tomorrow. one last thought though, is it better to have low expectations of life and rarely be disappointed or to set high expectations and constantly get crushed? i think you know where i usually go on that one. i'm selling old heart dust here if anyone is in the market. "and if i swallow anything evil, put your finger down my throat."

1-22-01
the weekend was pretty damn quick even though i didn't do half the stuff i wanted to do. friday night i had beers and played pool with Emo and some co-workers. that was fun but i played like ass and took some merciless beatings at the hands of P-rez. But the drinks flowed nicely and i was surrounded by good peeps so it was all good. walking home from the tenderloin at 230 in the morning killed my buzz pretty quickly though. i would have taken a taxi but i was out of cash and there ain't no atms round there. 'spose i coulda just put it on my card but the walk was casually interesting: lots of people looking at me funny but at least they weren't asking me if i needed "a date". which is always a little scary. saturday i did a bunch of laundry, listened to the Jam real loud and reveled in the fact that my roommate was away. that night i went to a ball (not inauguration-related). it was kind of boring but i expected that because i had been suckered into going to it two years ago. as always, the cool part was the after party at the Handy's. i had to do the mixologist duties but i was up for it. i got to eat and drink while i did it so it was all good. leaving the party at 330 in the morning was a bit much, but at least i wasn't walking. and for those who may be concerned, by that time i really had lost my buzz so i wasn't dui material. the last hour or so of my bartending was just talking with people and cleaning up. needless to say my sunday was spent indoors. i did see Cast Away. i would give it a 6.8 on a scale of ten but i am tough when it comes to Tom Hanks' movies. it was definitely a good flick and entertaining and all that, but it was a little too Hollywood for me. you make that an independent film and emphasize his struggle with himself as a human being instead of his pining for his wife, and it's an easy 9 because the content was there. it was about two and a half hours long but it went fairly quickly. i wanted to see Traffic or the Pledge but since they just came out i settled for Tom. Now it's time to beat feet outta here so i can do it all again tomorrow. which ain't bad. i am looking forward to a nice run tonight. mmm, the City by the Bay! no ka oi

1-18-01 735pm
the silt of stress is polluting my groundwater. too much work stuff eating away at me every day. and then there is the possibility of being evicted - doh! but overall i feel all right. maybe it is because i am foolish but overall life ain't so bad. i've got my health, so hey, i got that going for me. heard a friend had a stroke yesterday. that's weird because that is the second friend i know who has had a heart problem recently. well, they aren't close friends but good acquaintances. anyway, they are way too young to be having strokes! one guy has a family history of heart problems and the other, she just has some hard luck. i had better keep running so i stave off the eventual decay of my body. right now i am so spooked that i could run about ten miles (not gonna happen though). my overall life giddiness is centered on travel but i just found out that i can't travel the day i wanted to leave because of work! grrr! i will get over it though. last night i went out to my local bar with a co-worker, saw the bartender dude, used the restroom, and then my buddy is almost in a fight with another patron. well at least it seemed to happen that quickly. what is up with that? first of all, i don't really pick fights or like fighting but if it is time to throw down then it's time. but lately i keep having to be the one breaking them up and talking people out of it. if i am the one beign tasked as the peacekeeper, the world is in trouble because i LOVE watching a good fight. and last night i sorta wanted to see my buddy introduce mr. hand to that other dude's mr. face. hey, what can i say, it's a weakness of mine. anyway, i was successful in being the shepherd and no one got hurt but dang that coulda been sweet! i guess i would have been releasing work frustration through his pummeling of that dude. that dude deserved it too, that was the other thing. the last time i broke up a fight that was about to happen it was between strangers and one of them was just a dumb drunk. i don't think you should necessarily get your face remodeled just because you say stupid stuff when you are shitfaced. but the guy last night actually was bumping my friend and threw an empty cigarette package at him. i was ready to get his back because jerk-boy had two friends. they turned out to be level-headed though and took their friend aside. anyway i gotta go home . . . and work! i suck. but at least i will travel soon. mmm can't wait.

1-14-01 809pm
woo hoo! i figured out how to put an e-mail link on my page, thanks web monkey! okay, thanks to you too chris. now i am gonna take about three hours of work home with me since i didn't get dick done. AND i missed the Simpsons! what was i thinking? Doh!

1-14-01 652pm
"watching the sky, for mankind's friend..." damn those Vikings and Raiders! and that's all i have to say about that. well, except that because the Vikings were getting spanked so badly i decided i would go out for a run. and not only did it have health benefits but i also ran into (not literally) an old friend. i haven't seen her since i graduated from Cal (which is at least a couple of years :) so it was quite a surprise that i even recognized her. the even odder thing is that i think i saw her on the bus on friday night. i was coming back from spanking donald and taking all his money in cards, after drinking most of his beer, and i thought i saw her on the double deuce. i didn't want to keep turning back and staring at her so i let it go. but now that i saw and talked to her while running i am thinking that maybe it was her. how weird! (or if i was a no-diction-having idiot i would say how ironic! you know i am talking about you alanis!) alright, so anyway, one of the best things about our whole encounter was that she said one of her friends was over and saw the card i gave her way back when and said that what i wrote inside was "very sweet". i can't remember exactly what she said but it was something nice. i must admit that was a huge ego boost. that not only would she still have the card but that whatever i wrote would still have an impact so much later. i guess it gives me a little tingling hope that my writing may survive me in a positive way. for me, i can't think of anything else i would want. we didn't have time to exchange life stories so i will have to try and make time to have lunch with her or something soon. we also didn't have pens so i had to recite her number for the next half hour as i ran to the bridge and back. it made my run just that more adventuresome because i thought for sure i would forget that number with the blue angels flying overhead and all the different scenery passing me by, distracting me. anyway i have to call her but before i can do that i have to finish up some work here at the office. oh i should also mention that i exchanged a flurry of e-mails with Action yesterday. it was great because i haven't heard from her in some time. she has a great sense of humor; it sort of reminds of suhail's - but different. i should give her full props, she has a lot going for her. we discussed "survivor II", t.s. eliot and how boyfriends come and go. it was very nice. it also made me take the time to do a substantial entry in my journal at home. i couldn't be happier about the friends i have been making or the ones i have. now back to riding the work hog until it dies of exhaustion. mockingbird wish me luck - that's a book title.

1-13-01 226pm
Ugh! i love san francisco but i wish other people didn't. finding affordable housing sucks. i think i should be able to have a one bedroom place for $1000 a month. it should have parking, a decent kitchen and a large bathroom. is that so much to ask? my illegal sublet looks like it is about to fizzle into dissolution because the person my roommate and i are subleting from wants to stay there too. that just can't happen. when she is there she changes the whole dynamics of things and makes it a much less desireable place to be. it's not final but something will have to give or we will be out of there by the end of february. and if that does happen, then what? i either find another place with my current roommate, find a place on my own in SF or consider moving to a different area. that different area could be across the bay or sacramento. it could even be to a completely different city where my company has openings for me, like Reston, VA. the only good thing about moving out of the bay area is that i could finally be in a position to buy a house. i am not mr. domestic but i sure would like to have a backyard and a dog. but i love san francisco and don't want to move. i would love to live on my own but i certainly wouldn't mind keeping Mark as my roommate. it is much more economically feasible that way. i am not an east coast person so the Reston thing would only be temporary (like a year). sacramento seems pretty logical for the long term ideas. i will have to see how the ordeal at home unfurls and weigh my options at that time. work is still a significant pain these days. i am behind on a couple of projects and i am truly feeling the heat. my boss can be a real bipolar nightmare sometimes, and this would be one of those times. but if i can get caught up over the weekend then i will feel much better about the upcoming week. my desire to travel is only heightened by all this craziness. i am really looking forward to going to amsterdam in late april, i just need to start reading up on it and plan the places i will visit and things i want to do. i love traveling. i love the anticipation. i love the anxiety of meeting the unknown and i love the actual experiences. i even love the return home. there is just something about it that gives me both a better appreciation for the world as a whole and the wonderful way San Francisco fits into it. mmm, i can't wait. my short trip to d.c. will be nice too. but that will just be a long weekend in the bitter cold surrounded by the warmth of friends; which ain't so bad. all this anticipation and all this craziness. i could crash and burn (hopefully not literally) or i could come out of this in a lot better position than i am now. i would say that i am foolishly optimistic. but that is par for my course.

1-11-01
i hate when i lose an entry and have to do it over but here it goes. the more i write in here the more i fall behind in my work but it is a good trade-off. i would rather be happy than ahead in my work, which i guess aren't mutually exclusive items but they don't intertwine much in my world. just had some soup from the san fran soup co and it was outstanding. having it in the bread bowl really makes it a meal and i am stuffed. all this planning for my d.c. trip has drastically increased my e-mail flow, which is nice. it should be a good time even if there is no plan whatsoever. the people will make the trip great. i have been to d.c. plenty of times but not these peeps so i am eagerly anticipating the tomfoolery and shenanigans that await me. it will be just a bunch of drinking, pool playing and talking, but in a different venue. should be sweet. gotta work now so they don't fire me.

1-10-01
i love to hear that rain pouring down outside. i only wish i was by a fire, curled around some warm, soothing drink, thinking of a simple line to add to a poem. i haven't many poems lately, probably because i have been doing a fair amount of writing in here and working later than normal. this weekend will be a good chance to get some of that apple out of my head - especially on saturday. i hope it is raining then too. the plans to go to d.c. and frolic the streets with Kathryn, Elisa and Chris seem to be coming along swimmingly. i donlt use the word swimmingly much but it seemed to go with frolic, so, had too. i also hope to get up to Tahoe and see Bert for the Super Bowl weekend. it's a shame i haven't visited him and his two month old baby girl yet. i am lagging. instead of enjoying the rain i will soon be on the road battling it, but there is always the evening. now that's entertainment. hope my new counter works and starts clicking off a few visitors each day. we'll see. not many people know of this page (like maybe 5 people) so we'll see. we'll see.

1-9-01 343pm
cuz you can't, you won't and you don't stop. damn today has been busy. probably not as busy professionally as it has socially, but it's all good. i think i am jetting to D.C. to hang with Kathryn and Brewer(Elisa), which should be SWEET. emo is the one who really tipped the scales for me to go on the trip because he is gonna be going out there too. i mean i certainly look forward to seeing Kathryn and Brewer, but to also have someone to do shit with during the day while everyone else is at work, well, that's it. it's gonna be cold as a (you fill in the blank) but i suspect that between those visits to museums and monuments, we'll be checking out some purveyors of finely hopped, hand-crafted brews. mmm. don't get me started. the only bummer is that i feel i am somehow stealing the thunder from my much-anticipated trip to amsterdam. i was going to stop in D.C. on my way back from amsterdam but the timing is just too perfect to take the D.C. trip now. well, perfect except for that cold-ass weather. hey i'm a california boy and i know my limitations, and making my way through the wind and snow is one of them. i may buy one of those ski masks so i can look like Scorpio from that first Dirty Harry movie. i have cold weather clothes from going skiing(hanging in the lodge) but i have a bad feeling that it is gonna be brutally cold out in D.C. this time. we'll see. i certainly know i will have fun. Kathryn and Brewer are Fun central (in that they are not neurotic and know how to relax and have a good time) so i am excited. i am jealous about chris not working from now until sometime after that D.C. trip but my amsterdam trip in April should settle that score. i just hope he enjoys his time off and gets to do all the stuff he has planned. my work is keeping me at my desk much longer than i would like but fortunately that is not the norm. man, life is looking real good right about now. especially with an excellent(free) veggie dinner in berkeley on the horizon. all i have to do is help 'nique out and attend a city council hearing with her. damn life's good.

1-7-01 417pm
okay, i don't know why but life is pretty good these days. the Vikings won yesterday, had a great BBQ at the Handy house and am looking forward to seeing crouching tiger, hidden dragon again. i have a bunch of work to do after the movie but even that isn't so bad. there are some tight deadlines to hit over the next two months but it adds a little excitement to work. i have had some good e-mail traffic lately from friends and family, which is always a welcomed treat. i can't wait to get to amsterdam in april/may. i need to read up on exactly where and what i will be doing. as long as i am over there though, i can't imagine it not being wonderful. i have got a couple calls from my house guests that are now back in D.C. i guess i could just refer to them as friends but this way i don't have to name names . . . yet. i always wonder who may read this and what sort of repercussions that could possibly have. i vow now to just relax and write. i'll try not to name names, but it shouldn't hurt too much if i do. well, at least it won't hurt me:) all right next week the Vikings may get smashed by the Giants so i am off to ride the high that is today.

1-5-01, 504pm
well today was Chris's last day at his old job, damn that's sweet. i would be on my way to Lima or Buenos Aires tomorrow if i got a nice little severance package from my job. instead i stay here a bit late on a friday hoping that my company's stock price will come back around and make my options worth something. but the weekend looks good with drinks at the London Wine Bar and then an impromtu dinner in north beach (that's a guess, but i bet it happens). can't stay out late tonight because those lame ass Vikings are playing tomorrow morning and i need them to come through for me and win. i am not betting on the game but if i did i would put $75 on the Saints because there is no way the Vikings beat them by more than 4 points. while on that note, i would bet the under on the Raiders-Dolphins game because i can't see the Dolphins scoring more than six points. i am tempted but i won't bet, it adds too much anxiety to the game for me and i can't be drinking at 10am to soothe the nerves :) okay, let me do a little confession right here and now, i love beer. it started as an infatuation but it has really blossomed into something special. sure beer will lie to me but i always forgive and return for more. sad or sadistic, it works for me :) gotta head to the wine bar now because i can't keep Mo' waiting. she got a big ass bonus from work and thinks i am somehow to thank for it. i most definitely am not but if she is buying, hey, i won't dwell on the little stuff. cheers!

1-4-01, 1201pm
It's lunchtime. mmm. i got some chinese food from the Galleria and i am munching. i finally have shaken this cold thing so i am real excited about that. i feel like such a loser when i am sick - all mopey and feeling sorry for myself. so it is great to have a bit of verve back. one thing that really helped me on my way to wellness was the synergy of hanging out with friends last night, winning in pool against Devlin and have a nice quiet finish to the whole evening. now i have that Bill Wither's tune Use Me going through my head because i heard Hootie's cover of it this morning in the car. i am no Hootie fan but i must say they do the song justice. besides Chris, it was me and those two women from D.C., that i wrote about in my last entry, that were hanging out last night. i am glad the Sooners won last night too because i am worn out on teams from Florida. i have a lot of work to do now that i have the mental capacity to function correctly so i had better get.

Sunday, December 31, 2000, 01:23 p.m.
i have been sick lately so i haven't been doing much, except watching football and being dragged out on late night drinking binges. it's a tough life but someone has to keep it going. actually i am not much of a partier anymore but that is sort of relative. i mean i go out about two or three nights a week which is probably more than most people but a lot less than before. i only go out if i really think i am going to have fun these days, and try not to go out just because i have the opportunity to go out - i guess i am getting too old for that. it's funny because i watch football on tv and realize how far i am from that these days. i mean, sure, even in my best physical condition i wouldn't have faired very well after getting hit by an NFL linebacker, but nowadays i would think it would be sure death. i like watching football but it doesn't really get me all pumped up and make wanna go out and play. instead it makes me think, "damn, that's a rough sport! i am not so sure i would want my kid playing that." anyway, i know i am getting older but it is just weird on many levels. the funny thing is that i am not really that old yet, just older than i am used to being. i am getting used to it though, through necessity. had a fun and late night out friday but it sure wasn't helping me get over my cold. a friend of a friend and her friend were in town and needed a place to crash so i put them up at my place. i don't have some big palace but it does have room for people to crash in a pinch. i once had the john sparrow group (a fairly decent rock band that has now parted ways) crash in my living room. not really a claim to fame but it gives you an idea of the space (but bring a blanket if you are coming by because it is a bachelor pad. anyway, so friday night i started out with midinght (the dice game) and a few hot toddy's (to help my cold) with co-workers at the 711 Club. then i got the call from Elisa about being in the City and wanting to exercise dibs on my living room. so i cut that short (which meant i didn't lose my ass like i usually do with my shark co-workers) and headed home. met them at the Balboa, which is half a block from my place and we sorta planned the evening from there. they were gonna check out Union Square and i was gonna take a nap so i could hang with them that night. i went home and did a little cleaning so the place was at least hospitable and then my roommate came home so we all met up at the SF Brew Co. for a quick, but very tasty, cold one before hitting north beach for some dinner. i don't want to go into too much detail because we drank a lot and one of the members of the group ending up getting really sick, so i will just point out that i had a good night at the pool table. it was hard for me to be social and talk to my house guests when you i was trying to concentrate on beating some Bostoners of my home table. so they started talking to some other random dudes and they ended up tagging along for the rest of the night. despite the aforementioned sickness by one of my guests it was a great night that ended with a wonderful walk along the marina. sure i got home at 5am but it was definitely worth it. i slept with (but not "slept with") one of my guests which was sorta odd. i was just trying to do the right thing and i think i did. so i look forward to the new year with my good karma going for me and all the tabla raza possiblities the new year holds. maybe i will see her again in the new year or maybe it will be someone else. but either way i'm looking forward to 2001!

getting it on
the day is winding down and i haven't done nearly enough real work today. but i shouldn't even have to work this week with everyone else off. at least that is the way i am looking at it. i guess that is why i am underachieving. i always think that i will just come in extra early tomorrow so i can make up for my lackluster performance today but it rarely turns out that way. i end up staying out late and barely scraping myself out of bed on time to get here by 9. it's a vicious cycle but one i enjoy - as long as my boss doesn't start chewing on me for my lack of productivity. but she is usually pretty cool in general and i don't worry about her and she doesn't worry about me. as far as jobs go i would say that mine is fairly kicked back. not as kicked back as topher's but easy nonetheless. i actually am unsure of just what easy is anymore because i have had boring jobs that i wouldn't qualify as easy.