"It is difficult to get the news from poems yet men die miserably every day for lack of what is found there."

next nine days should be interesting
Helen comes in tomorrow and I still feel pretty sick, maybe even more so. Work is going horribly right now with my boss Mike in an extra bitchy mood. And on top of that I have a local friend who is giving me the cold shoulder. It's like that Police song, On Any Other Day, where everything is going wrong and it's his birthday to boot. At least it is not my birthday! I can't bitch too long and hard about my situation because it will work itself out and it's not like I am going to wake up homeless without a friend tomorrow. And there are people like that so I shant jump up and down and pout too long. I did find out today that my landlord's mother died last week. I was sort of wondering why he was in his van all night crying a while back. He loves his van and spends lots of time in there but I had never heard him cry before. I do hear his dog bark at odd hours and him arguing with his girlfriend like he was her pimp - real mean degrading shit. They are a wacked couple. She barks at the dog and has a real spacey kind of voice like she hit the hallucinogens hard in the 60s. She always wears the oddest clothes. Stuff that Goodwill would sell as cleaning rags. He rarely wears a shirt and drives around the most hoopty van on the island. And yet they are my landlords. And I have a project manager who has absolutley no people skills. I always feel embarassed to say he is my boss. It makes me think that I have zero skills if a guy like that is above me. All right, I think hear nurse Ratchett calling me in the distance, it must be time for my medication and nap. I will write again after the storm is over and the karma police have taken me away. sweet dreams.

vitamin C and sweat on 10 10 01
I usually hate being sick but having a reason to go into work late, not do much and then leave without saying many words to my boss is great. And hopefully I will rebound and clean my place up before helen arrives. I got less than 40 hours. I desperately need to clean my bedroom but as most of you know, that's always an on-going concern that never gets fully addressed. I spoke with Miles today and his pieces for his upcoming show are coming along just fine. I would love to make the show but I will just have to count on one of you to take pictures. He and I talked for quite some time, mostly about what I might do after my "antenna salesman" job completely burns me out. I like the idea of buying a bar in SF with Chris and seeing how that works out. At least it would be something I would willfully work diligently for. Kathryn said she would come out and do marketing and pr stuff - how sweet. Maybe we could get Miles to do a mural for us. Some Diego Rivera-esque thing that depicts all types of workers and would be patrons. For now it's still in the pipe (of the pipe dream) phase but that's how all big plans get started. We'll see. For now I think I will finish my orange spice tea and seek shelter in my bed. I'll try and sweat out this horrible bug. Intermittently I am sure I will wake up and scrawl some random, fever-induced thoughts in my journal which I will read later and wonder how and maybe even who.

the ideal wine grape, 10-9, 825pm
Remember, the thousands of you that read this daily (and drive), keep your headlights on all day on Octoebr 11. It shows solidarity and strength. And that besides being glutonous consumers of the world's energy resources we can show half-hearted, solely symbolic gestures of patriotism as spoon-fed by nuts who like to pass on mass e-mails in a vain attempt to be a part of something bigger than nothing. Yeah, that's my rant for the day. I get so tired of mass e-mails telling me to do this or do that to show my patriotism that it has worn me completely down. Other things have helped to wear me down but that's what I am focusing my angst towards. I love America I think it's a great country and has overcome a lot to be the badass it is now, and if I truly didn't like it, I'd leave. I'd go to Bolivia, wear one of those cool hats and start speaking one of those wacky dilects with all the glottal fricatives. hey, I did my six years in the naval reserves and i think everyone should do the same. That way, when a war breaks out, like now, they know exactly who is going to do what. And it ain't gonna include me anymore. woo hoo! I have never been so happy to be on the verge of 35. But I have been thinking about those two hundred meters a lot. Besides having a lot of work to do, that run helped me decide not to go out drinking tonight. Plus I need to get stuff done around my house before my next visitor comes - this Friday. I haven't seen Helen in quite some time and I haven't even talked with her that much in the last month but I will be having lunch with her on Friday. Pretty quick. Of all the visitors I have had, I can't believe Mo hasn't made it out here yet. Who knows, I may be gone before she gets here. But the airfares are pretty low right now so maybe in late Winter she and Notorious B.O.B. will grace me. On a Japanese tv station today I randomly saw an interesting piece on the types of bombs the US is using in afghanistan. It had lots of diagrams and live footage so it didn't matter that the whole thing was in Japanese. I sort of felt like I was watching secret tapes and getting insider information. I was about to bring myself up on charges of treason but then I realized it was just tv. I liked the bomb they showed going through a cement wall and then exploding as it hit the next wall. That way the bomb penetrates its target (like say maybe a bunker) and then blows up inside to cause the most damage. Then there was this other bomb that explodes above ground but has a suction effect. So if it were to explode above (hmmm, let's say a deep foxhole that has only one vent to surface air) ground, it has a super hot fiery explosion which sucks up an enormous amount of oxygen thereby suffocating those below ground. We got two things going there. Lots of brains and lots of money. I am not sure how excited I am about our brain trust and funds being used that way but it sure is cool. Sort of like Serendipity, the movie: I hated that I loved it. Although the exact opposite seems just as pleasing. Did I mention I am not drinking and have cut meat out of my diet? I don't know exactly how long I will do it. But I can't lose a race to a chess geek and yet I could stand to lose some pounds. So there you have it.

two HUNDRED meters and the truth
One day you're going to have to face A deep dark truthful mirror And it's going to tell you things that I still love you too much to say The sky was just a purple bruise, the ground was iron And you fell all around the town until you looked the same The same eyes, the same lips, the same lie from your tongue trips Deep dark, deep dark truthful mirror Deep dark, deep dark truthful mirror Now the flagstone streets where the newspaper shouts ring to the boots of roustabouts But you're never in any doubt, there's something happening somewhere You chase down the road till your fingers bleed On a fiberglass tumbleweed You can blow around the town, but it all shuts down the same Same eyes, the same lips, the same lie from your tongue trips Deep dark, deep dark truthful mirror Deep dark, deep dark truthful mirror So you bay for the boy in the tiger-skin trunks They set him up, set him up on the stool He falls down, falls down like a drunk And you drink till you drool And it's his story you'll flatter You'll stretch him out like a saint But the canvas that he splattered will be the picture that you never paint Same eyes, the same lips, the same lie from your tongue trips Deep dark, deep dark truthful mirror Deep dark, deep dark truthful mirror A stripping puppet on a liquid stick gets into it pretty thick A butterfly drinks a turtle's tears, but how do you know he really needs it? 'Cos a butterfly feeds on a dead monkey's hand, Jesus wept he felt abandoned You're spellbound baby there's no doubting that Did you ever see a stare like a Persian cat? same eyes, the same lips, the same lie from your tongue trips Deep dark, deep dark truthful mirror Deep dark, deep dark truthful mirror (If you didn't know that was Elvis Costello's Deep Dark Truthful Mirror, from his Spike album). I include because it is great and for thematic reasons. Well I have gone and done it now. Most of my day I spent watching football and wondering why the Vikings couldn't get their offense together long enough to make fools of those sorry ass Saints. But, alas, the Vikings went down like little school girls. After the second game where the Bucs beat the Packers it was time to take my disgruntled energy to the streets. Mando and I were playing a friendly game of catch across my front lawn and the neighbor's lawn. It was great because as the nerf ball floated towards me I could reminisce about beating Carlos and Co. in Trivial Pusuit the night before. It was great! But then Mando threw one a little bit too deep and I was concentrating on the ball when the next thing I know my right elbow comes down on the neighbor's cinderblock wall. OUCH! I knew right away that it was time for me to go inside and put a bandage on it. Unfortunately I dripped a little blood along my trek to the bathroom sink. It wasn't anything a little direct pressure and a medium-sized bandage couldn't handle. But for a few moments I was excited. I don't know about you but it has been quite some time since I have bled from doing some sort of sporting event. And I liked it! I liked the red liquid cupped in hand as it dripped off my elbow. It almost had an artistic quality to it, like thin ink. I wanted to taste it but I knew that might be a bit much. But I got to bandage it up like I was a field corpsman helping a Marine and it was fun. I only tell you this as a precursor to explaining what I did next. Next I take Mando to his Lakers-Warriors basketball game and I go on to delinquently meet up with my post-discussion movie review crowd. I had a fun time bantering about general stuff and my schlacking of Carlos in Trivial Pursuit when (out of nowhere) I find myself challenging this dude to a race. I think we started talking about Chess first and then he mentioned how he was a short distance runner and then Blam! I throw down some ludicrous gauntlet concerning track and field. So here is the deal, now I have bet him a brunch at the most expensive restaurant on the island that I can beat him in a 200 meter race. Me. 200 meters. Where does that come from?!! But now I have to live with it. Get this, it's gonna be at 7AM on January 1st, 2002, at the Punahou school track. I am still in shock to tell you the truth because for one thing I can't run fast. And for another thing I really can't run fast in the shape I am in! So besides doing some half-hearted training for the marathon I gotta get busy learning how to run short distances. Where is Bert when you need him. I'll tell you this, I may get smoked in the race because I can't run short distances but it won't be for lack of trying. With the gauntlet already thrown down I will fill this journal with stories of lame training episodes and a lot less stories of random drinking. Mockingbird wish me luck.

fog and serendiipity on a Saturday
I can't believe I didn't see Bonds' homeruns as they happened on TV. Instead my cable company was playing a cruel game that involved not showing me the game - even though I had stayed home most of the day just so I could see it from the very beginning. Bastards. I did see the game from like the top of the fourth inning on though. How bittersweet for Bonds to break the home run record on the same day that his team is eliminated from the playoffs. It's October and that's the fate of many a team. I love October though, it's the gateway to Fall and Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas, my favorite times. I despise how Halloween and Thanksgiving are so quickly passed over for Christmas. I went in to Tower Records yesterday and there they were, bam! the Christmas records out on display. I couldn't believe it. Already they are leap frogging Halloween and Thanksgiving for the retail gold of Christmas. I suppose I might not be quite so fond of Thanksgiving if it weren't so deeply intertwined with my birthday. But I do love the gathering and bounty of eats that Thanksgiving brings. From the bird to the pumpkin pie to fighting with my sibling, all I have is smiles when I think about Thanksgiving. Halloween is great because of the costumes and the candy (all kinds). As a kid I thought the world lost its mind for day and I was ruler. That's the only way I could go from door to door and have complete strangers smile and give me candy. And then returning home and sorting through the booty to trade hard candy for chocolates with my little brother, it was fantastic bordering on sublime. Now I see it as a nice big masquerade where I can be anyone I want for a day/night. It is invariably a good time. Fall is a great season. Bring on the candy, the rain, the pumpkin pie, the cold nights, the turkey and more candy (all kinds). Okay, so it doesn't actually get cold here but it did rain this morning. Mando and I battled up a wet and slippery trail in a pretty good downpour. We made great time up to the top but we knew the tricky part would be coming down the trail. With the mud and all those slick roots I thought we would spend most of the trail on our ass but I think Mando just slipped once and that was it for falls. Slippery slopes and painful falls - I still love Fall. I had a moment when I was giong up the trail today that I was in the fog and it was nice. Damn Giants, now I don't have any excuse to abscond to SF for a long weekend. Maybe Anne Carson will do a reading at Black Oak Books and that will be my reason. Her latest work, the Beauty of the Husband, is a great read and a wonderfully fresh voice. I read a bit of David Halberstam's new one, War in a Time of Peace, and it was a bit too dry. Anyway, after that hike and washing up at Mando's place I went to Kahala Mall. I decided to see if John Cusack's new movie, Serendipity was playing. It was so I indulged myself and saw it. I knew full well that it was going to be a sweet romantic tale that was short on plot but long on dreams. And it was. It had a few shots of SF and it made me think - those damn Giants! just kidding. It just made me look forward to my next visit. I need the cold (and eggs, but only Strom will get that joke). I know I was meant to visit the Anchor Brewery after Thanksgiving so I could amply partake of the Christmas Ale. Call it serendipity. I can't wait. Damn Giants! The worst part is thinking of Catherine, the dodger lover, and how she got exactly what she wanted at Friday night's game: Bonds becoming the home run king and a dodgers victory. Damn damn damn, I should have been there. I think I could have changed it all :) Instead I will go play Trivial Pursuit tonight and wonder why good Art doesn't swallow the world whole.

Chef's blend . . .
Ah, somebody is a year older today. Not bad. I remember when he was eleven and pushing me around in my "go-anywhere" car that I got for Christmas. It was a lot of fun because we had an open field next to our house and it had hills and puddles and all kinds of adventure embedded in that land. It was a fun ride while it lasted. Until some birthday boy (who will remain nameless) burnt the field down. It was a mishap with a firecracker. That was the first time (and only time) I got to see firefighters at work close-up. Unfortunately it wasn't the only mishap with a firecracker, my hand is still hurting. I can't believe how quickly that fire spread and how it at least had the good sense to go after the people in the apartments and not our house. Don't worry, it didn't reach either, but it sure got hot and close to those apartments. Shortly after that we moved and my focus turned towards baseball. That same nameless birthday boy would soon get me going in little league. Back then I was a pretty decent player and pitched our team to victory in the championship game. It was my first year and it was super sweet because all year my brother had come to my games. I guess that was my first athletic acheivement and because my brother had challenged me to try and play better all the time it felt great. Later he went on to introduce me to great bands like the Who, the Jam, the Clash and Nirvana while other kids had no idea what they were missing. We had some disastrous times together too, like his first day on his paper route when it rained and the ink ran so we couldn't read the list of addresses where we were suppose to deliver papers. That was classic. Mostly though I will remember how he stayed an artist. He could draw pretty well as a kid but potential means nothing. It's all in the doing. So even though I am just a dilettante when it comes to writing, I have had the opportunity to watch someone who did more than dabble. Someone who actually became their art. And to steal a sentiment from Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken, "that has made all the difference". Thanks and Happy B-day old man.

doesn't know what I don't know
Today Chris should be getting the mixed tape I made him over two months ago. At the time I made the tape I thought it was great and I purposely kept it awhile so I could listen to it. Now I have heard it through about twenty five times and it seems old hat to me but it still is a decent tape. I was planning on making a mixed tape for Miles but I haven't had the time. Overall I haven't had much down time so I am very glad I took yesterday off. But I didn't get nearly enough stuff done for myself. One thing I did do was a search on vegetarianism. It sort of reminded of doing a search on Zoroastrianism just because the words are similar in length. My mind is simple that way. Anyway it sent me to www.chooseveggie.com - and I know Chris taught me how to make links for stuff like that but it would be too time consuming to look that e-mail up and then do it. Anyway, I read about the environmental benefits of being a vegetarian and I thought it sounded like a good thing. So next time you see a vegetarian, thank them. I know I will. Personally I love animals, they taste so good! Okay, I have written on this topic before but right now I am pondering going veggie for awhile. Hey, as long as beer is vegetarian I think I can do it. Now Zoroastrianism, you have to be born into that thing. Yesterday was such a wholly good day that I can't begin to explain what today is like. Exact opposite. One nice thing about yesterday was that Miles called me. He wanted to say hey before he goes into self-imposed radio silence around his birthday. I already gave you his e-mail address if you want to wish him well. I also saw Karen briefly, got an e-mail from Rebecca Armstrong, saw a good Monday Night Football game, wrote a ton and got to watch and listen to the rain. But now I am going into the hellish meeting I tried to avoid yesterday. ahhh, help me, it's the Texan from hell!

from tinks to slacks, 10-1-01, 1001am
It's raining very nicely with the small drops softly tinking on the ground and the big ones hitting with a slack. I am home enjoying the wonders of a "sick" day. I think this is the first time since I have been here in Hawaii that the sky has been one unanimous grey cloud and the rain has been steady. How could I pass up this chance to stay home and work on some poems and various writings I need to do. The skies are so rarely this subdued and woeful, it's wonderful. Now I have license to be subdued and woeful too! I have nothing to truly, personally be woeful about but if I think about the general inequities of life, the woe comes quickly. Just slowing down, sipping peppermint tea and absorbing my surroundings is very fulfilling on a day like today. There are things I really need to do: laundry, cleaning my room, sending out bills; but calling in sick seems to give me a free pass even from those things. It's like, if I wouldn't have called in sick then I wouldn't be able to do those things, so now that I am home I can either do them or not and either way it's okay. I probably will do my laundry and clean my room because I actually want to do those things, but sorting out my bills and writing checks? I don't think so. The man will get his money in due time. Instead I will sift through the silt left behind from just going and going and going for the past couple weeks. Saturday morning I went to watch some more kiddie soccer and then went on a short but hot and brutal hike around Hanauma Bay with Mando. Then we met up with our cousin and her husband and brought them back to my place. They jumped in the ocean while I went to see the UH football team play. UH played a strong first half but fell apart in the second half and lost to Rice! Rice?!? How pathetic. Then I swang back by my house to take them out to a club (they were all excited about going to it because they are a young couple with kids and don't get out much) but by the time I got there they were all tuckered out and just wanted to go back to their hotel in Waikiki. So I dropped them off and Carlos and I carried on at the Club until about 230. We had the obligatory late night run for the border then went home. I can't remember getting home after 3am in a long, long time. I had to resort to a half cup of coffee as my last drink at the club to get me through. Then I struggled out of bed at 730 to watch my Vikings battle the Bucs. Knowing now that the Vikings made a wonderful 96-yard drive at the very end to win the game, it was a great game. But as I watched it live I was dying inside. I needed them to win, for me. Sort of like when Ali fought Frazier for the second time, and you needed your hero to show he was worthy of all your adulation and hopes and dreams. Okay, so it wasn't really ALL that but I would have been pretty disappointed if the Vikings lost. After the game I went over and picked up Mando and Kim and her hubby and played host. Took them to the swap meet. No, actually it was the HOT ASS swap meet that zapped a lot of my barely existent strength. Then it was off to the North Shore for a Burger and shave ice. The best part was at the end when we went to Sunset Beach and played in the surf, watched the sun set and then turned around to see a big, sweet moon. It was moving in and out of clouds making full moonbows(I guess the real word is coronas but I think moonbows is more descriptive and captures the sense of a rainbow caused by the moon so I am sticking to it until the entire English speaking world catches up). I didn't end up getting home until midnight so I was already predisposed for being sick today but waking to the heavy rains - forget about it! I am sick baby! Don't call me, I'll call you. Turn off the cell phone so that only people who know me well enough to call my home phone get through. This is a well needed respite. Now to do as I want/need in my writing and cleaning world. First I will finish that overdue kid's story. Then I send Miles something for his 40th. That will be late too but he knows I send him love everyday. "sees what you can't see, can't you see that."