"An ideal wine grape is one that is easily crushed."

No justice, no work, no cry
When I root for something to happen, like a team to win or a girl not to get too involved with some guy, I really do my best to root and cheer for that occurance. So, naturally, if the event doesn't turn out my way, I get upset. Last night I am watching that baseball game thinking "come on D-backs, come on! you can do it!" and what happens???? they let me down big time. I hate the Yankees. I don't care if their skyline just came falling down on them, I hate the Yankees. I am tired of them winning and I am tired of them winning. So today was already off to a bad start when I get this e-mail from a friend/acquaintance of mine that she is engaged to this goober of a dude that I can't stand. Okay, granted, I don't consider myself a close friend of hers and I don't really know this dude, but COME ON! where is the justice in the world!?! she is smart, attractive, and did I mention attractive?! and he is a goober: clumsy, funny looking, not funny in a humerous way at all, and smug about it all. I just don't get it. So that's strike two on the day. But here I am getting a chance to vent because my boss is out to lunch and I ate at my desk. It is a bad trade-off but I had to find some time to myself to write about the wackiness of the world.
as you know, tomorrow I am giving notice at work. I can't wait. I have already begun the process of liquidation my assets in preparation for the great travel. I don't know exactly where and when but soon and very soon. First SF and Sac, then bean town, then maybe Portland or Tahoe, then south america. gotta do it. my whole life needs a rest and recharge so I can come back focused and clear-headed. I haven't spoken Spanish in quite some time so that might be a bit tricky but just give me a couple weeks in there mixing it up with the locals and I think I will fair just fine. I love to travel and this will be a well-deserved trip. all right so maybe I don't quite "deserve" it but that's my little slice of justice in the big pie of injustice that's being thrown around in the world out there! grab your own slice before the big pie hits you!

they'll take your soul if you let them
It's Sunday afternoon and so far I have had a near perfect weekend. I think it has a lot to do with knowing I will be out from under the thumb of my boss and the lameness he brings to a day's work. Actually Friday he was all right, relaxed and sort of fun. But that was at the football game after he had been drinking. Usually he is still sort of prickly even when he drinks but for some reason he was tolerable. And then the football game itself could not have been better. Lots of scoring and an incredible come back by UH helped me not think about the fact Mando had locked my keys in the car right before we went into the stadium and that I was going to have to deal with that after the game. Some friends were able to slip a broken slim jim in and open the door after only about an hour of trying. I was totally grateful for that. Then after the parking lot was empty and the cop came by to tell us they would be locking the gates, we went to the Top of the Hill and had beers while we flirted with the waitresses. One is working on becoming a masseuse and the other didn't need to offer massages to attract men :) It was just fun, it really was. There were six of us (no boss) hanging out, playing pool, having beers and talking about the game. It was sweet. Saturday morning was rainy so I didn't go hiking, or anything else, and instead laid in front of the tv for about three hours. By noon I was up and getting domestic chores done: laundry, cleaning my room, the usual. Then I got all spiffed up and went to a nice sushi dinner before the James Taylor concert. I hadn't seen JT before and I probably wouldn't have shelled out $65 to see him this time, but as it turned out it would have certainly been worth it. The Sony rep treated for dinner and the concert because JT is on the Sony label. I was really looking forward to hearing him do Fire and Rain but I liked You've Got a Friend even more. I like the passion and pleading of that song. That sort of my big focus right now, passion, and making sure all the things I do are done with passion. After that fine show we went over to Anna Banana's, a local bar with good music, and saw a blues band. The local public radio station was sponsoring the show so we figured we would support them by going to the show. We got there around 1130 so the dude at the door, whom Mando knew, let us in for free. It was good, straight-ahead rockin blues which is what I needed to stay awake and keep me going after JT. There was a good turn out and one woman dancing by herself that turned a few heads. Unfortunately, or not, depending on who you are, she was married. Today was a good finish to the weekend because I had brunch with my Dad and he go to see his Bears beat the 9ers. Tonight I am suppose to go see some volleyball with Mando but I am not sure I want to leave home. I have some work I should really finish up before Monday morning. And with only a couple more weeks to worry about work, I don't feel bad about putting in overtime. It is such a relief to be on a personal countdown to freedom. All I have to do now is plan my Thanksgiving vacation and find another job. Too bad I won't get any sweet severance package like Chris did so that I could take a couple months off, but leaving is it's own reward. It sure was a good weekend. I need more like this one.
Now I just got back from seeing From Hell. It was a pretty decent movie if only because it had somewhat of a tortured ending to the love story. Happy endings are so cliche, and that's my only real detraction from Serendipity. It's a wonderful Mainland, Fall kind of movie but the ending was too sweet. I wish Woody Allen would make one more decent film like Crimes and Misdemeanors. Something deeply sad yet still hopeful in a twisted, rebellious way. Like ending it with a joke about a brother-in-law, a psychiatrist and needing the eggs. That was great.
will the moon be full on Halloween? Just about then if not on that day. I love the moon and the stars and going on late night walks to take them all in. If the sky is dark enough the stars seem so close. The world seems immense in a gently comforting way. As if its immenseness suggests a great ability to hold more possibilities for dreams to come true. More ways for love to come to fruition. There is a grand sky out there tonight with a restless breeze throwing lots of possibilities around and they smell wonderful.

you'll always be - DISSATISFIED
I am glad Chris is sending me a new tape because I have worn out the last one he gave me. He is a tape making fool because he just finished another one for his friend Christina. Mixed tapes of the style Chris makes take plenty of time, so much thinking about transitions of one song to the next and trying to take into account the musical preferences of the person you are making it for - ugh, it's a chore. But Chris does 'em good, brah. It's funny how the more I hang around people who talk pidgin the more I let it slip into my speech patterns. I love it but I don't want to sound like I am forcing it.
It's past 11 on a Thursday night and I am still at work - but obviously not really working. I figure I could get a couple of things done tonight because 1) it's too damn hot and muggy to even think about sleeping and 2) I get to cut out of work early tomorrow to go see UH take on Fresno State in football. The game starts at 4pm here so we are leaving the office at 1 to do a little pregame tailgating. I would normally be a lot more excited about that proposition but it will still be time spent with my boss. Ugh. There will be a crowd of other people that we will mix with so it won't be so bad.
I also will get a chance to drop off my resume tomorrow while I am downtown. Mmm, nice. Change will be good, I can feel it. I am definitely taking some time off before starting a new job. Even if I just go to the Bay Area for a week and then on to the east coast, it will be something and it will be fun. So much to do, so little time. I need to call now to make a reservation at the Anchor Brewery for the day after Thanksgiving so I can be the first to taste the Christmas Ale fresh out of the tap. Mmm, beer. Although I must admit my tolerance is at a 20 year low. I have been consciously taking myself out of practice so that now two beers gets me loopy and four makes me want to sleep. HEY! that's my story and I am sticking to it.
I have lots of little changes planned when I split from my current job, most of them involve downsizing my outflow of cash to maximize the fun from any liquidation that may take place. I must say, it is a VERY tempting proposition. As long as I can convince myself that there is no way I will live past 55 then it all makes perfect sense. But I made it 21 and I really wasn't betting on that one. And I had a lot of fun trying to make that one come true too. See, this could be the same. Yes, I am obviously still working on convincing myself that I won't see 56 but I think I can do it. The problem is that I am turning over a healthy leaf that has me eating vegetables, drinking in moderation and exercising more. I am heading in the wrong direction. At this rate I will suffer well into my seventies!
One of the last things I want to get out of my job before I leave is a lot more trips to the neighbor islands. I went to the Big Island this past Monday and plan on returning early next week. Also next week I plan to hit Maui and Kauai. That would be a great way to go out. Just mickey fick perfect. On that blissful thought I end with Lennon/McCartney lyrics:
Love is all and love is everyone
It is knowing, it is knowing

And ignorance and hate mourn the dead
It is believing, it is believing

But listen to the colour of your dreams
It is not leaving, it is not leaving

So play the game "Existence" to the end
Of the beginning, of the beginning.

here there and everywhere on a Wednesday night
Everything is pretty garbled these days for me. I am planning on giving notice at work either this Friday or next depending on if I get any offers between now and then. My other option is to cash out some stock and travel. Of course I like the latter because it is crazy and dangerous in a completely selfish way, that's me. Knowing that I am getting the hell out while the getting is still relatively good makes me feel very good deep down inside. I know that all I have to do now is work hard on getting my current tasks finished and then I may or may not have to stick around to train some new person in the art of self flagellation. Okay, so I loosely got that last line from the movie Todo Sobre Mi Madre which had the subtitles that kept me from napping last Saturday. I feel like I suddenly have a lot more time for myself, to do the things I want to do, go where I want to go; it's great. I know there are lots of other things hanging over my head in terms of what I will do for work and wondering if I can really afford to take a couple months off from "the real world" and just be me in whatever city or country I wish. I am not scared to travel to other countries in the least. Especially since I don't think anyone wants to kill me in Caracas, Venezuela, or any other Southern or Central American country I may abscond to. The only thing that really scares me is starting up into a new job that I settle for and don't really like. I won't mention names but it seems I have a friend who has that same disease (just like me) where he/she starts at a job thinking it is really what he/she wants and then less than a year into it finds he/she is bored and wants to do something more, bigger, better. Sooner or later I am sure Chris and I will find employment contentedness in owning a bar in the City. It will just take time. And as far as I can see, I still got time. And if I don't, that's cool too because I can't see it coming. I only fear the stuff I think I can see coming down the road, like diving into a new job without taking at least three or four weeks off. I have got a lot of things to work out between now and whenever I quit work but I happily look forward to taking the steps it will take to be free. Even if it's only in my mind.

October 19, 2001 - Happy Birthday Monique! How does it feel to still be older than me??? But that's all I got on you. You got the looks and the brains and the personality - so you got that going for you, which is nice. That makes eleven years now. Wow, I have known you for quite some time. Thanks.

silencio - no hay banda, 10-21
It's early evening and I am supposed to be on an early morning flight for the Big Island tomorrow but I forgot to buy my coupons ahead of time and now I may have to postpone it a few hours. Oh well, I will work that out later. If you saw Mulholland Drive you would know that is where I got the title of this entry from. It is a crazy movie and I am still trying to understand it. I won't offer any "insight" I might have on it because I don't want to spoil it for anybody. Maybe after I have seen it a second time and have given you a few more days to go see it, then I will try and make sense of it in an entry here. It is a well made film and definitely worth seeing so get out there and see it. Unlike Serendipity, this is a film I will willfully see on the big screen more than once. Let me warn you of one thing about the movie, it's not a good first or second date kind of movie. I think the lesbian sex scene may be sort of awkward for your date. If not, hey, you got a keeper :) It was well done, I will certainly say that; very well done. It will make you think, hey, how can I get in there - and that goes for guys or girls, guaranteed. You just go see for yourself. The movie is about Hollywood and what it takes to get a film made but beyond that, there is a lot left for interpretation.

Helen just called me which means her flight was horribly delayed. She was suppose to leave at 1pm and now it looks like she will be leaving at 6pm. So instead of arriving at 9pm she'll get in at, um, er, you do the math! late, okay. I joked about her plane being delayed because her boyfriend is picking her and Ariko up at the airport. Ariko left a half hour earlier on Hawaiian Airlines and will arrive on time. So her boyfriend will have to take Ariko home and go back for Helen in the middle of the night - ouch! It was good having them over but I didn't feel like I spent much time just relaxing with them. It was always going here or going there in a little time crunch. But they had fun and got to do what they came for: beach, shop, relax, so I guess their trip was a success overall. I am glad we went for a big breakfast this morning or Helen would have had to suffer through airport food. That's one thing we did a lot of when she was here, eat. She pulled me off eating veggie and not drinking a couple of times during her stay but overall I thought I did pretty well.

Now I have set some goals for losing weight and getting in shape. I think they are realistic and am looking forward to hitting them. It's already the holiday season which will make it hard but not impossible. I have that race to think of and the marathon. My left knee is still bothering me so I got that to whine about and use as an excuse if the heat gets too much :) Speaking of which, I had better stop my whining and get some work done now. I look forward to seeing the Big Island tomorrow.

Feckless on 10-17
I just got back from dinner with Helen and Carlos. It was fun to get out and do something but I felt like I wasn't doing much to hold up my end of the conversations. I just felt like being there and taking in the surroundings and not saying much. Besides, Carlos and Helen are very good conversationalists all by themselves.
I just read Chris' blog and am really looking forward to getting the tape he made me. It's funny that it is going to have that Gang of Four song on it because I have been thinking of it every time someone mentions Anthrax. Back in the day I knew Anthrax was some sort of blood disease but the song made me research it a bit. And if you don't know the song, all I can say is that you should. Go pick up the Gang of Four's greatest hits CD. Something about war and death and the gravity of the moment that makes me want to listen to music with an edge. I have listened to the Clash's first album a lot recently. That, and All Mod Cons, the Jam's finest work. Great music. If he put on Anthrax, I wonder what else Chris put on the tape. Hopefully more edgy tunes like that. His tapes are usually balanced with uptempo and slower stuff. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have his tapes to listen to for fresh music that Hawaii radio stations will never know.
I don't know if I mentioned it before but Helen helped me adjust my settings for my site and now I think it reads better. She also reintroduced me to the line break. I needed that. Now my entries won't look like one big run-on sentence. I like the stream of conciousness feel to the one big paragraph but I think breaks make it much more readable. Speaking of which, Helen has been reading up a storm while she has been here. I gave her Bukowski's Ham on Rye to read and she polished it off in a couple days. It's sort of a guy's read but she hung with it and found it interesting. She makes me want to read a lot more.
I have been doing things with Helen after work and on the weekends but it doesn't seem like we have been doing much. Helen has definitely been the most low maintenance of all the guests I have had so far. I don't mean that in a bad way against the guests I have had thus far, it's just I haven't been able to take time off of work to do things with her in the middle of the day or things like that. The best thing is that Helen just wants to relax and hangout and is content not to do a bunch of touristy things. Perfect!
Up until last night I had been without beer and meat for nine days. But it was Tuesday night and I had to go to Ocean's and meet up with Paul and Carlos for beverages and pupus. It is such a deal that I couldn't pass it up two weeks in a row! It was a good time too. We sat outside which was not my choosing but it worked out okay, no serious cloud breaks. I like sitting inside because the scenery is much much better and it changes frequently. Of course I am talking about the lighting and the fish hanging from the ceiling. yeah, that's it.
I am really looking forward to seeing the new Lynch movie, Mulholland Drive. I kind of want to see it early in the day on Sunday and then ponder it for the rest of the day. It had better be good. If it is or if it isn't, either way, you'll hear about it.