is it in my head?

5-26-01 Blind
Is this the first day of . . . the rest of my life? no, I have already had a bunch of those. how about of the Memorial Day weekend. I have got a bunch of cleaning to do and little stuff to get acccomplished before my friend Kathryn arrives from D.C. but I just had to pita before I get caught up in that whirlwind. And here is why: Oh but first don't ask who is it? who is it? let us go and make our visit. - okay so I sort of borrowed that line from a TS Eliot poem. Anyway, Say you have a friend. Oh wait this won't work either because I would have to send out too many disclaimers to friends who might be weirded-out by thinking that I am talking about them. So here's what we do, let it go, I am telling you right now that this won't apply to anyone reading this entry. and I am serious, it won't. Okay? got it? here we go. And one last thing, you gotta send me an e-mail and tell me your thoughts on the dilemma in general and what you would do if you were in the same situation, otherwise I still won't know what to do. Promise? I have known this person for quite some time and have always enjoyed hanging out with her, doing a good variety of entertainment selections. And given the limited breadth of my interests that means have played pool and gone to the movies. But in those common experiences we have formed a solid friendship. Right about now I am thinking maybe this should just be an e-mail to six solid friends. But there are only about six people that read this pita and I started this tame Jerry Springer episode so I'll finish it (I hate to throw away any of my writings no matter how lame). But now I feel myself drawn to her a bit more. Maybe it's the time and distance that gives me my new perspective but I think it is something that has always been there, but on a semi-supressed level. So now the question, what to do. I don't don't want to put an uncomfortable twist on a good friendship. Besides, it's just a notion. And sometimes a great notion can lead you astray. - oops that's a P. Weller line. But you get the idea. I am sure I know what Jackie would say and perhaps Emo and even Bert, but let me know what you think (even if you are one of them). Then, I will totally disregard whatever you tell me and do what I feel most comfortable doing ;) All I need is a neck to break my fall. Byrne. So that's all I got for you on this Saturday morning. I hope Chris and Mark are out hooping it up, Helen is still sleeping, Monique is wide awake after taking some friend of a friend to the airport at 5am, Jeff is making coffee and reading the paper with his fiance, Strom is visiting with his new born baby boy who can't leave the hospital just yet, Miles is watching TV and telling Rose(his cat) to be quiet, P-rez is thinking about crawling down to some whole in the wall for a bowl of Mexican hangover remedy (mmm, menudo)and that Carlos is up counting his bottles of rum, washing his mint leaves and preparing to make some of the best mojitos in recorded history for his party tonight that will feature over-indulging, good people doing bad things and waking up the next day with a smile on their faces. so until I find the time and courage to post another self-made drama, I bid thee aloha from the land of silent insecurities.

5-24-01 on the rocks
What a crazy last few days. Most of it has been spent haggling with my company about reimbursement for expenses. There is absolutely nothing I despise more than haggling about money in any way shape or form. But when they don't pay on a $3000 expense it pretty much puts my bank account in a serious overheating mode. The best part is that they didn't call me to tell me about it, just sent me an e-mail. Okay, so that's the start of my rant. Then there is the part that my immediate boss is an oaf from Texas that loves to use expressions like "fire it up" and "that's soooo money dude". He could certainly be worse because at least he is fairly cool and likes to get his drink on. The only problem with him liking to get his drink on is that he has no drinking buddies but me and my co-worker. Drinking with your boss doesn't work even in the best of circumstances so this is less than that. Okay enough about my work rant. Saturday I have my first house guest and I am so completely unprepared for that. My room is a mess, the house is only partially dressed and I have no guest room set up. Looks like I will have to proffer up my room (which has a bathroom attached) and take a week on the couch. I don't mind - even though I just got used to all the jungle sounds of my room at night - because a guest is a guest. I swear though, I hear more animal sounds at night than if I were walking around the Honolulu Zoo. I suppose that's not really saying too much because our zoo is pretty damn weak. Anyway, that's my immediate future in the R&R department. Resolution to everything comes at 9pm in the form of $1 beers at Gordon Biersh. Well, not really, but it COULD. I am not going to overindulge in an escapist manner THIS time because I have too much to do tomorrow and this long weekend. Besides, once I learned that a large check I wrote had bounced that was it. There was nothing I could undo or reverse to change that. It was nice to hear the regional VP say that he would talk to the person I gave the rubber check to and explain the situation but it didn't matter. I had bounced a check and that was it. Kind of like in Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy when he says, "when you drop your keys in the lava flow, let them go. Because man, they're gone." I was totally in a panic trying to get my work to wire a deposit to my account yesterday and this morning, but when they didn't and the check bounced, it was over. Bam. It was humiliating and regretful but it was done. I still feel like complaining to someone, (other than you) and I am sure I will, but right now I would rather focus on all the sweetness that comes with living in Hawaii. My job is relatively easy. I get paid relatively well. I have a cool place to live (provided I don't get booted) near the beach. I have a sweet new car. And I am surrounded by quality friends here and on the Mainland who would read through this long rant and still think that they might hang with me sometime soon. So while things are temporarily out of kilter, tomorrow seems like a good remedy for it all and tonight a good start.

5-20-01 Shrek is funny
All right so I sent some replies to Chris' buddies at www.fugitivepieces.com and hope they start posting more. I was sort of critical of them and their posts but in an encouraging kind of way - I hope. I also told them to wake up Chris and get him posting. I talked to Helen yesterday and got caught up on her pertinents. She makes me laugh with all her stories. She is quite the talker. She knows it. And I don't mean that in a bad way either. She has so much going in her inflections and animation of her story telling that makes them interesting. thanks to SPrint for the free long distance. oooo corporate plugs on Kai's pita, what will he lower himself to next? Have I told you about the VW Passat V6 that zooms ever so sweetly? I drive it a bit too much though and am giving Bush's boys in Texas jobs for life. Oh but don't let me get started on Bush. All I can say is, Why Suhail? Why? He is all right though . . . for a republican :) I like it when he has moral dilemmas at work. I am sure I would have them if I work for any administration. They are all political and that means they are all dogs. I will not have to write from Mando's place anymore because I got my new house all set up for internet service soon. Life is good for me and I am going to really make the most of the opportunities I have right now. But now I have to go straighten up my house and make my bed so I can sleep. I promise that the next entry won't be so rushed and that I will write about lots of things worth reading about. I have plenty to do between now and my next entry so check back on Wednesday. It will be real good. Promise.

5-17-01 hotel, motel . . .
I am up at Brad's hotel room jumping on his machine for some quick internet action. I sort of feel like a junky, always using people for their connection. At least it is only internet service that I am jonesing for and not something more substantial. Speaking of substantial things I haven't done any today. I have made some calls and done little things here and there but overall I have been slacking a bit. I do like the new ride though. It has a lot of get up and go. Other than that though, not much going on. I move into my new place this Saturday so that's pretty huge. I feel bad about leaving my place at Noel and Myra's house but I certainly need to move on. Otherwise I can't be having no sleep over guests. Shoot, I can't be having no nothing at the old crizzo. So Kailua should be a welcomed change of scenery. As for everything else in life right now, it's all good. I just have to plan my days out a little bit better so I mix work amply with my leisure time. I should be joining a gym in the next week or so. I have started to run a bit but I need to really get on the ball. My main focus is getting a couple of work things going tomorrow and then moving in over the weekend at my crib. I hope I don't have to help Brad move his overweight, metal-framed crap around too much. I just want to start opening my boxes and seeing where the hell everything is that I own. Tonight I meet up with my sister, Kuulei, which should be fun. She is a bit eccentric but overall not so bad. I gotta run now but so far everything is milk and honey. aloha. oh yeah, if you know Chris Devlin, tell him he is a serious lagger and needs to start writing in his pita, fugitive pieces, or e-mails. Miles liked the tape he made for him though. Now Miles is going to return the favor and make him a Jazz tape soon. But Miles is rather busy with his work so I don't know how soon "soon" will be. But I think chris is working on setting me up with a tape soon, so you hassle him about writing and I will try and stay in his good graces.

5-15-01 outta my brain
Not really, but that's what I think of when I read 515. You have to listen to the Who to get that one. Just discovered that I do have a 6-disc CD player in my car, nice surprise. Almost all of my time in Hawaii could be described as a nice surprise. Especially my e-mails. None from Miles or Chris yet but I am guessing they are "busy" - just giving them grief. But hey, an e-mail would be nice. I won't kvetch too much because I am not the best correspondent myself. Anyway, gotta go home. All looks good so far. "I fall into a trance at the supermarket."

5-14-01 correction
I just went back to my 5-8-01 entry and changed the link for Chris' fugitive pieces work. Go back, read it, visit Chris' site. I gotta go to Kauai again - oh woe is me.

still Saturday but now 6:30
I just got back from beating Mando in bowling and pool. We played best of three in bowling and the second game he just whooped me. I was down 34-88 by the end of the fifth frame. However I did come back, only to lose 123-131. My first game was my best but all of them were lots of fun. Then we played pool at Top of the Hill. That place is such a little hole in the wall but the people are so cool. They always give me free pupus (appetizers) and they are just friendly in general. Even the patrons are cool locals. It's funny because my co-worker was pointing out how I end all my sentences with "yeah?" It's a very local thing to do and I really didn't notice I was doing it until he pointed it out. It is similar to how Spanish speaking people often end their sentences with "no?" Strom ends his written sentences like that and it just makes me laugh. Not because it is pretentious or anything but just because he does it. I guess it seems real odd to me that Strom has any such Spanish/Mexican colloquialisms. So now my choices are go home and be good (do some writing) or go out to a party that a local artist is throwing. It is gonna be hard not to go to the party because it should be nice (better than the Lanikai one but maybe not as nice as the Kailua one). But it will be a younger crowd than both of those so that is its big draw. The lame part is that it is over in Kapolei which is way the hell out there. You may say that it can't be that far because the island isn't that big, but relatively speaking, it's far. Maybe I will just go for a couple of hours and then report back to you tomorrow - how does that sound? Sounds good to me.

5-12-01 Nothing tricky
I often try and think of witty pagenames for each of my entries but sometimes I just don't have one in me, like today. Probably because I am more focused on getting outside and enjoying the sun than I am writing this. But hey, I am here and I have stuff to write so don't you worry. Most of you know that I got a house in Kailua, finally, and it feels great! A block and a half to the beach, crazy old landlady and significantly younger husband living behind me, nice front yard with small waterfall into koi pond, i have the master bedroom which connects directly to the spare bedroom and lots of space, are the ups and downs of this fine domicile. Brad will be a cool roommate - no Mark, but cool nonetheless. I can sort of tell there are things that Brad likes to do that I have no interest in but at least they are things that are completely inocuous. If he was practicing to become a world-class yodeler then we would have problems. One neighboring house has three women living in it which could be nice. They are all nurses so it could be VERY nice. Lots of fantasies come to mind on that one. I hope you're laughing too. The other neighbor seems to be some quiet older couple. That's good everyday of the week, however it is problematic on party nights. I guess I will just try and get on their good side before my first gathering (not a Party!) in early June. I went to a party last night in Lanikai that was sweet. REEEAL nice crib to begin with and then there was lots of good food. I felt bad (sort of) because I went with friends who knew the host and I didn't know him at all. Lots of people brought all kinds of food and treats and I just brought my small buzz from Palomino's. Too bad I had already eaten because that was the kind of party you could sample every kind of asian cuisine in just one sitting. I did give the door to his beer frig a good workout though. I met a couple of good people but mainly just talked amongst the friends I came with. I do like the people of Hawaii, some really good folk. Today I may look at some cars and perhaps even take another look at the V6 Passat. Dark green, sun roof, stick, leather interior with some wood accents, it is tempting me. Maybe yes, maybe no. We'll see. Oh, and on a slightly sour note, someone please explain to me how a tax cut is going to help the poor pay for gas and electricity?! Okay, don't get me started because the anti-republican in me just may overwhelm me. And why should I let it on such a beautiful day? Sweet emotion.

5-8-01 you know it's true
Okay, so christopher devlin has spun out and started posting some stuff at this and it is all right. I was gonna harsh on one of Kristina's postings but why? At least she is out there trying. Weak writing is in the eye of the beholder, or something like that. Chris' main link is Devlin.com where he most recently writes about 61 and even though I haven't seen the movie I still have a contrary veiw to throw out there. Roger Maris is portrayed as this big outcast that no one wants to succeed in beating Ruth's single season home run record. But he didn't have dick to put up with in his chase of Babe Ruth's home run record in comparison to Hank Aaron's chase of the all-time home run record. Now I know Chris would have my back on this one because he is real. You got a black guy in the early seventies showing he is better than an old white guy and you got death threats, plain and simple. Now THAT'S pressure. Come on Chris, get my back on this one. Anyway, after much searching in the abyss known as the Hawaii real estate market I think I have nailed down a place to live in Kailua. Come visit if you can stand the relaxation, free beers, and koi ponds. We got it all. Our first visitor is coming on the 26th which happens to coincide with Carlos' party, so that should be a good week. I was thinking that I would have someone out before then but she is lagging. Oh, but she is enjoying the baseball tickets just fine. There's so much more but the night is only as long as I can stand it. Thanks to Chris for helping me out of the dark ages and showing me how to put in links.

5-7-01 Monday, monday
Cinco de mayo kind of went exactly the way I hoped it wouldn't go but that's okay. I did get a jog in for the first time since moving here. That sucked because I did the route I used to do five years ago and quickly realized that I am certainly not in the same shape I was back then. I made the most of the run though and got to reacquaint myself with the dogs of the neighborhood and did a little site seeing in the portion I had to walk. Afer that I didn't go to the beach but did laundry instead. That was cool because of all the local people at the laundromat I got to watch come and go. There were all kinds: young, old; well-dressed, barely-dressed - all kinds, except I was the only guy there. But that was fine with me. After that was over I had to start getting ready for the festivities. If I had it to do over again I would never have wasted my time by meeting up with people at Compadres. Instead I would have gone straight to that sweet party in Kailua. But no, I met my co-workers for a beer then ditched them to go next door to meet up with some other people. Then, but not until 930, we went on to Kailua. We missed alot of the eats (which I had made myself dizzy over because I was waiting all day to eat there) but there were still some good miniature burritos and ribs left. There was a maid who made sure we all got plenty to eat. Oh, and Ian the host also brought out a very nice bottle of wine for us to wash everything down with. That wine was probably the best I have had since that '94 Stags Leap Petite Syrah. I mean it was pure gold. But the party quickly died around midnight so it wasn't much. The house was incredible though. It had lots of art, lots of space and a dog named guinness. Now how sweet is that!? Sunday I got out and went for a hike up Kuliouou ridge. It was a lot tougher than I thought it would be. We went up at a pace that was about twice as fast as I would have gone by myself. But Mando was leading the way so I couldn't let the little brother show me up. When we got to the 93 steps that mark the final ascent of the ridge I was seriously huffing and puffing. Luckily (or sadly if I really think about it) my brother has taken up the Chris Devlin deathwish hobby so that althoug he is in infinitely better physical shape than me, his lungs were feeling it towards the top. It was peaceful at the top looking around siting on my little perch. We jogged down most of the trail which was fun because I felt like a little kid frolicking about. But when I slipped on some tree roots and my hand slammed down in unison with my back hitting a tree stump I suddenly felt old. But there was something about that tingling pain in my hand that made me feel good, alive. However I don't need any punches from trees to my kidney, that part I could have done without. But I wasn't bleeding or anything so soon we were back to running down the hill and dreamning of grade school. Afterwards I went to straight to my movie discussion group. We talked about a myriad of films that I hadn't seen at the Honolulu International Film Festival (HIFF). I did see Momento so I got to say how much I liked that film. There is this one guy in the group that sort of iritates me. He's just way too pompous for his physical well being. Anyway, the night ended in a BBQ and I ate more than my share of red meat, but boy can that texan grill. What will the summer be without me being grillmaster bbqs at Helen's old crib? Okay and now the nice Monday news. My sister is on her way to Billy Higgins' funeral today. He was a great Jazz drummer that played with all the greats. He had a rich life and an excellent body of work and will be missed. My friend from high school had her father pass away over the weekend. She has been working her butt off over the last few months to take care of him while maintaining a very heavy workload at Schwab. I feel real sorry for her loss. And even though he is now beyond the pain and struggle that marked his last year, I know she feels a big whole in her heart from now having no parents still living. She is a wonderfully strong but sensitive person and I know that she won't be down for long. And that's it for Monday.

Cinco de mickey-fick Mayo
Big deal. I am going to get some time in the water and then I am going to go for a run. Then I should be sufficiently dehydrated and motivated to do some serious dranking. As I write this I am trying to get more excited about getting my drink on tonight because right now I am just bone tired. Last night I went out and had a few beers and that's why I am feeling so lathargic this morning. I was going to look at a house in Kailua this morning but Brad told me it probably wouldn't be worth looking at because the house is pretty rundown and that's all I needed to here to blow that visit off. I was trying to lay down and rest some more after I got the good news but I can't. Once I am up. I am up. That's why I now should work out yesterday's beers and get ready for the next round. Normally I don't get too excited about Cinco de Mayo (really I don't like any day that is traditionally a big drinking day because that's when LOTS of people over do it and just get way too sloppy for me to be around them) but I am going to a pretty nice party at some big shot attorney's house. I call him a big shot, which in my mind connotes jerk, but he is just wealthy from maintaining a good personal injury firm. He is always quick to pick up a bar bill and in general is a generous person. I like that. People with lots of money who concentrate and ensuring they have lots of money in the future by pinching pennies really repulse me. So this guy comes around 8 last night and meets up with a group of six of us who had been drinking since 530pm. We had already had appetizers and a steady flow of the usual beers and cocktails before he got there. He has two glasses of wine with us then bam! he picks up the check. The whole kit and caboodle. Doesn't say a word, except to the waitress, about it, he just does it. What a guy! Oh, and so while we were talking he invites us to this party he is having at his place in Kailua. He was talking about the 15 slabs of ribs he had shipped in and the mussels from the mainland and all kinds of goodies. So I am excited about that! But I still feel a bit burnt from last night so I gotta go work out the kinks. Oh, as a side note (so that you don't think he's some stranger throwing money around so that people will hang with him) I once applied to work at his firm. A former co-worker now works for him. And Carlos has lots of cases against him. He liked me in the couple of interviews I had with him but he wasn't willing to give me a $5k signing bonus so the deal fell through. And before you give me too much grief for asking for the signing bonus, the main reason I did it was that I didn't want to leave my then current paralegal job for another paralegal job unless it was really something. In hindsight, the job certainly would have paid well and may have kept me in Hawaii longer, so I am glad I didn't take it. Being a paralegal is tough and it's not me. I like my current job all right, mainly because it affords me the free time to pursue other interests. All kinds. Good to see Chris (Devlin.com) writing in his pita. I like his links that he includes. If I weren't adverse to knowledge I would learn how to put those links in and spice my page up a bit. Perhaps Francesca could help me out some time. I would say Helen but she probably gets enough of the stuff at work. Speaking of Helen, haven't heard from here lately. I should make the effort to call her (as well as others) since my cell phone has free long distance. I will get started on doing that as soon as I find a place to live. Then I will have something to call everyone and brag about. There is a house in Kailua that looks like we will get. Keep your fingers crossed and stay by the phone.

the real May first, noon
I just read a couple of entries from last month and they were pretty interesting. Some times people will ask me or e-mail me about specific references I make in my blog and ask me if it was about them or just give me advice about a situation I might be in that I write about. Alot of times I don't know eactly what they are talking about and other times I wonder how open I was in my writing, because I never re-read my entries and I don't want to say "yes, that was about you" without know to what extent I professed my undieing love for them (kidding) in my writing. In reading those entries I realized two things. One, that I probably am a bit more open and revealing in my writing than I thought I was. Now that may be a good thing or it may be a bit problematic. As long as I keep most things vague and don't use too many names then I think I will be okay. Then anyone can read the page and I won't get in any hot water. The second thing I realized while reading those entries is that typos suck. They throw off the flow of the writing because it is sometimes difficult to decipher exactly what I meant to type. It's just a general pain in the butt that I will try and clean up in the future. My problem is that I never re-read my entries before I post them. I just type like a madman while the ideas and emotions are there and then bam! I post it. I talked to Eric Hayes the other day on the phone. I know most of you don't know him but man, that guy is good people! He makes me laugh. We met in the fourth grade and used to be real tight. He lives up in Portland with his wife and two kids and I just haven't gone up to visit him in like six years. I think the last time I saw him was before I moved to Hawaii the first time. Anyway, talk about somebody keeping it real, he is the real deal. I can't even describe him that well except that you should definitely meet him. comedy. That guy makes me laugh just thinking about him and all the crazy stuff he and I have done. When he was around after high school, those were probably the craziest times. We worked together at a fish and poultry store while at junior college and man, we did a lot of partying. major beer and liquor consumption. I could go into specifics but by nature I would be dropping dime on Eric more than myself so I had just better let that one go. If you ever meet him, just ask him, he is always more than happy to share stories about me. And on that note I will go get some sun, jog along the beach and take a gander at all of God's lovely creations - if you know what I mean.

May Day is Lei Day
Well, at least that is the tradition here. I am not sure exactly who I will be snubbing by not buying any leis tomorrow but I figure if I don't buy any then I can reason away them all by saying I didn't know. And in reality, what do I know? See, so it's easy AND truthful. Today was my first day of real work. Looks like I will be spending a lot of time on Kauai and it is too soon to tell if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I just want a place to call home and an office to work out of. I still am going to my brother's place every time I want to go on line and it is a bit unnerving. But have I mentioned the house with the pool? Oh, please let me get that one. As it is there is a lady hounding me to sign for a place on Kalanianaole Hwy. It has sweet views but it is close to the highway so it is noisy. It has better appliances than the place in Kaneohe with the pool but the pool is nice. Plus we have more freedom to work on the place with the pool. It is also close to a good shopping center and some of the main arteries to reach downtown and H-3. It's all good but I would much rather have the place in Kaneohe. I hope they call today. I have gotta go so I can see a place in Kailua. I will write more about the wonder that is Hawaii soon.