laughing at fools like me

1-11 Let me know the wonder of all of you
Donna Summer was great last night. Most of you probably think I am kidding but man, she's got it. She can still sing with full volume and range. And she seemed very nice and sincere when I briefly met her and took a picture with her. I liked her version of the Barry Manilow classic "Could this be Magic." I swear, it was fun. That Sony Open gig was money all around. They had the governor there, Adam Sandler and a bunch of golf pros; oh, and just about every Japanese family on the island with a few million bucks in their pockets. The five-course dinner was excellent and they had some nice BV merlot that was free-flowing. It was held in the Coral Ballroom of the Hilton Hawaiian and there were two women handing out trophies. Mando knew one of them and she was pretty good looking - actually she was hot, her name was Sienna. They both came over to our table after they were done giving out their awards because we had two empty spots at our table. Anyway, we chatted briefly and she told me that they would be at the Maze later that night if we wanted to meet up. I knew Mando didn't want to go out in the first place because he was really tired from work. Plus, I am not a clubbing kind of person and that was a loud dance place that I had been to before. But after Donna's uplifting performance we were both ready to keep the night going. So we went and saw the two women from the Sony thing there. It was the first time I really noticed the other woman. She had on this flowery, sequin gown that was quite remarkable. She was conversationally interesting and incredibly visually engaging. To make a long story a bit shorter, she told me about her nine year old daughter and boyfriend and I thought Doh! But we danced and had a nice time nonetheless. And if you think that was the disappointing part of the evening you're way off.
this morning I went to the trunk of my car to get out the phone i had bought yesterday only to discover it gone. I am not sure if it happened at the Sony thing or the Maze, but it was gone. Also stolen was my backpack which had a few choice things in it. One thing was a box of stuff I have been collecting for Strom. I was going to send it today - I really was. If I would have sent it earlier it wouldn't be gone now, which sucks. Also taken with the backpack was a change of clothes, contacts, and get this - my motherf---ing journal! I don't mind losing some of the lame stuff I wrote in there over the past year about people I liked and didn't like. But I had just written a poem that I really thought had some legs. Ugh. It's depressing when I think about it and I think about it a lot. I firmly believe that things happen for a reason and lately I have had a streak of events that are on the very UNlucky side. Hmm, maybe I am not quite living the life I should be. Or as Chris would say, I am not trying to be the best Snoop Dogg I can be.
On the brighter side, I got an email from a guy I met on my cruise in Chile. He took a bunch of pictures for me and even a couple of me because he had a nice digital camera and I didn't. So now I have to clear out my emailbox so I can make room for photos. I know there are a bunch of good ones in there and am excited about getting those. I will send out the one of me in front of the glacier and perhaps a couple others. I know how pictures take up a bunch of space so I will spare you the load. Plus, without having been there, or some decent narration, they won't mean much to anybody but me. That was a great trip and I am soooo glad that I used a different journal for that trip than the one that was taken. I would be openly sobbing and kicking and screaming if my trip journal was stolen. Oh, let's not even mention that because it is getting me upset just thinking about it.
I can't believe how much I have done in the couple of days I have been back. today I saw the Royal Tenebaums with my Dad. I went in with pretty low expectations because it seemed like my friends were only giving guarded recommendations to go see it. And, yes Chris, I did enjoy the soundtrack. I liked the movie a lot more than others, probably because I had such low expectations going into it. I would recommend it to anyone who wants a good laugh with a guilty conscience. Gene Hackman is an easy guy to hate in this role but I wasn't too sympathetic for Ben Stiller's character. there was nothing in his character development that made me think he was deserving of any sympathy. But hey, I am not too sure I would find any character deserving of sympathy right now as I roll around in my own self-pity. I should have sent that damn package to Strom long ago.
All right so now I am off to check garbage cans around the areas of where my stuff may have been taken and perhaps disgarded. I didn't really have anything else going for me tonight anyway. Well, except packing and that great clean up stuff I have to look forward to. tomorrow is hiking and then women's basketball, with some football watching in between. Then Sunday morning is hoops, more football watching, some beach time and then maybe a UH bball game. I may need to uncrowd my schedule so I can get some more writing in. Right now, deep in my heart, that's all I really want to do anyway. I feel there is so much that needs to come out that I have to make the time. writing, reading, running - those are basically my new year's resolutions in a nutshell. I can sod the rest.
I should take a break from this silly pita page so I can spend more time fully open to a pen and blank sheet of paper. Expect more letters in your mailbox than email address(that is if I have your home address committed to memory because I lost my address book a few weeks ago). Helen asked me what I learned about myself and my life when I was in Chile, and at the time I didn't want to say it and then have to explain it. But basically it is all about knowing myself, my limitations and being the best damn Snoop Dogg I can be.

1-10 Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
Last night I went to my first men's voleyball game in quite some time. UH played Loyola of Chicago. The night before Loyola upset the #2 ranked UH team, but not last night. Each game was close but UH beat them in three straight. I loved getting into the game and cheering for the 'bows and heckling the ref couple of times. It is easier to get more vociferous for a men's volleyball game than a women's - I am not sure why. But, as always, Mando scored the second row tickets so we were styling.
Speaking of which, I get to go to the kickoff party for the Sony Open golf tournament tonight. there will be an open bar and Donna Summer is gonna perform. I am not so hip on Donna but I guess I am gonna meet her. Too bad Tiger is getting $2 million to just show up at the Australasian Open or perhaps I could have met him at this gig tonight. Mando is always coming through with the good stuff. Later in the month we will go see Natalie Merchant and might get to do the meet and greet thing beforehand. I will be sure to bring accolades and a lei for her. Her voice makes me melt. And, of course, she is real easy on the eyes. Can you say sultry, sure, I knew you could. Then the strokes come in February which I may or may not be around here for. I am either heading out the 2nd or the 9th of February. It depends if I can get everything done in time. I know my buddy Helen hits a milestone on the 2nd and I will try and be back for that but I am just not sure yet.
I also got to see Carlos for a bit last night. He was raving about In the Bedroom, which he had just seen. I will see it soon because I have only heard good things about it. He also mentioned that I should see the Royal Tenenbaums and Lord of the Rings. We both dislike the Ali movie and liked The Man Who Wasn't There. I haven't much about Shipping News but I think I might check that one out too. Mulholland Drive is back at one of the theaters and I wouldn't mind seeing that one again. I need it to make a little more sense to me. I have been seeing a lot of movies lately and I really like that. Work is for the damned. I will join them soon enough. But for now I got my cat burglar look going and I like it just fine. Mark didn't like it and neither did Elisa but I think it is fun looking a bit tough when you are as soft as I am.
I feel such a big pressure to get around to all the Islands and do and see as much as I can before I leave these beautiful rocks behind. But I also have to do it on the cheap so I don't exhaust my dwindling funds. And on a sort-of-related note, Chris says he may be giving up smoking soon. Can't even begin to tell how happy that would make me. the smokeless Chris, now that's something. Uh oh, now that I mentioned it he may not do it. He better had (hands on hips, chicken neck in full effect)! Anyway, I will at least go to Molokai and the Big Island before I clear out of here. Maybe Maui and maybe Kauai but that's pushing it. I have never been to Lanai but that is not high on my list of things to do alone. Camping on Molokai and the Big Island is.
I don't know if any of read poetry but I reread Frost's The Mending Wall recently and it some good shit Maynard. You know he didn't publish his first book until he was 39. Ah, hope springs eternal! I am not sure when Bukowski got going but I think he was fairly young. I was reading a book about 25 famous and not so famous people comment on what his death meant to them. Some do it in the form of a free verse poem and some relate a drinking tale shared with him. Sean Penn was a big a big fan of Buk, and he hates Howard Stern; looks like I will be going to see Penn's new flick, I am Sam when it hits the theaters.
But now I have to get going on making my resume pretty, watching the big surf crash on the North Shore, pack all the stuff I can mail to SF now, send out a couple of emails, spend some time with my Dad and make the abandonment easier :) I am giong to do all that stuff while listening to my new CD, Paul Weller's Days of Speed, - thanks Mando. It's an import CD with Paul doing a bunch of his songs live and acoustically. I can't wait to hear A Town Called Malice. Now that's entertainment!

1/8 'cause I don't love you and you don't love me
that was some night last night. we were talking about different relationship-related topics and in the beginning Helen and Monique were roasting me. every answer I gave was "wrong" and they let me know why. all I could do was look at Chris and laugh. that bastard didn't come to my rescue at all. even though I seemed to be on the hot seat most of the evening I had a blast. that place we went at the end, Shaggy's or Shabby's or whatever, was pretty eclectic. they took the saying "it takes all kinds" to heart. I love how they all went outside to smoke. California here I come! The party at Helen's was fun too because it was a smallish group and I got to show off my pictures from Chile for about half an hour. I actually got tired of being the center of attention pretty quickly but I had to finish the show.
"Sometimes, after lockdown, my thoughts don't have enough energy to climb over the walls." I got that one from a Tom Sleigh poem I read while at Tower books the other day. He taught one of my poetry classes at Berkeley but he currently teaches at Dartmouth. I was never too fond of his work because frankly I didn't understand it. He is definitely a nice enough fellow though. I have to say that because he let me in his class after submitting writing samples. Reading and writing more this year is a definite priority for me so it was funny to read a column in the Chronicle about that very subject today. I forget the columinst's name, Adar Lair or something. I usually don't like her column but this one made sense to me :)
Actually the newspaper hit a lot of topics I found interesting. There was a Dear Abby column about non-smokers looking down on smokers in a horribly self-righteous way. It made me feel bad about how I have been deriding smokers lately. well, at least a little bit. Chris was getting on my case about that last night too; I tell you everybody was against me last night. But he was right in some ways about it's not the people I should want to kill, just educate and help those who want to change. But isn't that instant death penalty easier??? Read the first letter to Dear Abby today, it makes sense. My horoscope also was right on the money. it was eerie.
I hope this entry sticks because I am so tired of pitas.com being busy and not having that server available. i won't have much time to post entries in the near future though. I head back to Hawaii tomorrow morning and it will just be a bunch of packing and running around, finishing up loose ends. I hope to spend one week going to the Big Island and Molokai before I leave the Islands. Looks like February will find me back in SF amongst some really good friends. It makes it a lot easier to come back to town with so many open arms awaiting me. I will miss Hawaii something terrible and feel I did so little during this last stint. But in a way, I did a whole hell of a lot. i hosted lots of visitors and got to know some of the neighbor islands quite well. I was living large for awhile there and now it is time to return. I am not sad about moving back to SF, just wish I could keep a place in Hawaii so that it would make it easier to return whenever I wanted. I guess that's what my brother Mando's place is for :)
I was listening to clapton this afternoon and that's where I got the title to this entry. he is good on so many levels but I just don't get that excited about him as I do a Pete Townshend or a Paul Weller. Now those guys are gods. I would pay anything to see them play solo in a small venue. I mean anything. I would let Abraham sacrifice Chris if I could see a show like that. pray for Mojo.

and if I swallow anything evil, put your finger down my throat
I was out with Chris Monique and Helen tonight. It was great because they are a bunch of people who really don't care what others think of their opinions, they just enjoy sharing their opinion with friends. We all talked about some semi deep stuff. We did that and drank a bit. Even the bartender was cool at the place we ended up at. All in all it was a very good time. Although Someone didn't want me driving home, I was fine. Now I am tired though.

red vines, red wine and remorse
I have been doing so much lately that I don't know where to begin. I went to Tower Books the other day and saw Seamus Heaney's new one. Nice book and I almost bought it for the ridiculous sum of twenty bucks because it is dedicated to Matthew and Caroline (the name of Strom's first two kids) but then I saw a book of Frost's first two volumes of work that was only five bones. In the end I bought neither because I figured I should ease up on the reading and hunker down on the writing instead. So then I went on to the park and watched the fog rise off the pond. There were a coupld of ducks there which surprised me because I would have thought they would have gone south for the Winter. It was nice to see them because they gave me something different to write about in my journal, in a metaphorical way. It was just what I needed.
I went to see a friend's band play on Friday night, the Sardonics, and it was great. But that's when I broke the seal on the new year and had my first drink. Miles had a glass of red wine waiting for me when I came inside so I wasn't going to argue. I just figured I would pace myself and enjoy the evening. The band played sort of an upbeat, Jazz fusion sound and it was well done; good musicianship. Afterwards, a few of us went over to the drummers' place to party on. We drank a large bottle of wine in his driveway before giving up on him and moving the party elsewhere. I continued to pace myself straight through to 6am. It was just good fun and the time went quickly. Waking up at 10am was horrible but I had to go see my Mom and get the news on her trip to LA. Still, it was extremely tough getting up and I continued to run on empty all that day.
Unfortunately Miles and my brother Karl had a bright idea of going gambling that afternoon/evening. So we drove out to the Indian Casino outside of Woodland, which is outside of Davis, which is outside of Sacramento. I guess every other person who just got their unemployment check had the same idea because there were losers everywhere! I had a horrible vibe from the place from the beginning and it never got any better. But I can't complain too loud and hard because Miles laid down the financing for the gig so I was placing with "house" money. Once we were done losing on every level I voluntered to drive the sad, tired lot of us home. I don't know what I was thinking. Not only was I real tired but I was still feeling it from the night before and the last thing I should have been doing was driving. But Miles was in the same hurting boat so I figured I was the lessor of two driving evils :)
Sunday I met Elisa and we watched the Raiders' game. They lost but it was still fun to hang with her. In hindsight I wish I would have thought of some place more original for us to meet than a sports bar. It was a bit loud and cramped to have a leisurely conversation. My bad. After that I went to see the Kings play the Bucks at Arco Arena with Miles. The were getting their proverbial asses handed to them in the first quarter and I was beginning to believe I had picked the wrong night to see the Kings. But the boys in purple and black staged an excellent comeback and finished up by one at halftime. I am not sure what the coach said at half but the Kings came out the gate fast, running up a ten point lead in no time flat! It was good to see them finish strong and get the win - even though there was one point where I thought I was going to have to rush the court and tell a ref exactly what I thought of his job skills.
Now I am back in the City and trying to get things set up for my eventual return. I just see myself temping until I can work out in my mind exactly what it is I want to do. It's good to have friends to lean on and make the transition no problem at all. In fact I will see a bunch of them tonight at Helen's place when we have our little gathering to celebrate the New Year's that wasn't. I like creative minds with a festive slant. That's good living right there. Mmm, good friends. Better than even good beer. Time to email a friend and hopefully clear some things up.

it may be a full moon but the stars are empty
and what I got going through my my mind is "the wild and windy night that the rain washed away, has left a pool of tears crying for the day." But remember when I was saying that i had "Running on the Spot" on my brain, well, I can't let you know the lyrics to that one too! Because if you don't know it by now, you should! Although I know that the vast majority of my friends do not. It's me, then and now. Strom knows, Bert knows and for goddamn sure 'topher knows! what do you want from me!? I am not saying that if you don't that doesn't mean you are anything less. But I would like to acknowledge those who helped to make me whole. Helen, CJ, Mark, CJD and all the rest! Thanks, I needed it.
I am in such a weird place right now that I almost have nothing to write about. But let me tell you this, Sacramento is ALL that and a bag of chips! I am serious. I have been to the ponds, the river, and all it did to me was make me think about how lucky I am to be alive. It didn't make me think, why am I in the position I am in. It didn't make me think about the Shakespearean line of "When in disgrace with fortune and other men's eyes, I alone beweep my outcast state and trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries."
So all right, now I am out and about trying to be someone and perhaps someplace I shouldn't. I went to see a local band play tonight, the Sardonics, and now we are at a local party. But to tell you the truth I am thinking about someone a bit outside the Sacramento group. I won't let that all go and tell you more. But let's just say there is hope.
Maybe because hope springs eternal. Ahh, isn't that a sweet notion. But Miles just said that he would like to slug me voer my sickly sweet writing. I can't blame him on one level but damn if there isn't hope. I love life, always will. But in that same breath hate most people that breathe. And I am not kidding. I will get on my health plan this year and be just like m-f-ing David Watts or Billy Hunt! That's the beauty and the ecstasy. And 2002 has just started so let's get going! Sorry if I caused you any pain.
I have heard that even in the coldest winters of Alaska there are lines of heat. I miss them so. I miss you so.

with or without you
I am sort of bummed about my pita page and how difficult it has been to access it lately. Lots of waiting around. But hey, I am on now. It's good to be in Sacramento (even if I didn't make it to the snow today) because it is home in lots of ways. I like the big trees, the shiny, wet streets, and just about everything. So many pleasant memories. It would have been nice to be here for Christmas but hey, nothing I can do about that now.
I am looking forward to being able to redo New Year's with Helen, Mark, Chris, Monique, Laura, et al. It will be a safe and sane one this time around. You would think that someone with my experience could be a bit more in control on amateur night but I fell hard. At least CJ had some consoling stories that made me feel much better about myself. She is a champ. But it would be much better to not have to hear consoling stories and be a good boy next year. Hey, hope springs eternal.
Adding to the homeyness of being here in Sac, we are planning to take a family portrait on Saturday. It won't be the whole family but a good portion of it. I guess Miles got the idea in his head because our cousins did it and now he is on a mission. It is a good thought though.
On a completely other note, Alex is going back to Australia and Vietnam or smoething like that. the guy just spent two years in that area and I thought he and his wife were ready to settle down in the bay area - but I guess not. if I could keep running, Lord knows I would. I don't have that kind of coin though. Besides, I am sure it is much healthier in the long run to stay in one place for a long time a sink roots. I have nothing really to run from right now anyway. Give me a few months.
I am anxious to get out tonight and do some stuff around time with my brother. I had heard he was bumming about having to put down his cat but he is better. It was weird to hear that Clinton's dog got hit and killed in New York. I just figured Buddy would have a fenced yard and no one around for miles. I guessed wrong. Somebody had to be in charge of watching that dog and I think that somebody is out of a Secret Service job right about now. That would be a lame ass thing to have on your service record. I hope the schmo who hit Buddy wasn't drunk or speeding. and basically not at fault. Otherwise it could be ugly for them.
Enough about animals. This non-drinking thing is doing me well. Even if it is for only a few days. My body needs it. My body needs a lot of stuff right about now - like rest and relaxation. I think I gave it both of those things today when I went bowling. That 161 I fired in the first game was pretty sweet. But as is my pattern, my arm lagged and I faded in the last two games with a 145 and a 115. I love whipping that bowl down the alley and watching those pins scream for mercy as they fly. I like it more when I am beating 'Topher though. He has gotten me the last two times we played. I will have to get him back in pool on Tuesday night. Hopefully. Gotta run.
I wonder what Bukowski thought when he knew the end was near? Any regrets, rues?

well we all shine on
Just saw The Man Who Wasn't There with Catherine. I think everyone is somewhat concerned about living a life that has little purpose or relevance in the big picture. This stylized piece about the nature and depth of those concerns was pretty good. Not great. I am very glad I got to see it on the big screen but also glad I didn't force Mark to go because it is something that he would have thought was too flat. There was enough smoking in that movie by Billy Bob to make me want to rush home, shower and dry clean my clothes. It really did make me a bit uneasy to see him pulling on cigarette after cigarette. I thought about how much I despise smoking and those who smoke. But I always think about Chris and Carlos when I get carried away with wanting to implement the instant death penalty to save smokers from the hacking coughs and the slow deterioration of their lives. So instead of killing all smokers I am just happy that I didn't end of going down that road. And yes, there was also plenty of bad news and drinking in the movie. I didn't mind that so much; I still go down that road with reckless abandon. But Billy Bob didn't drink in the flick so he had that going for him.
I just got off the phone with Helen. I couldn't be more different than her in that she is one open and honest person. She sees her stressors and takes them head on. I see mine and run and hide and tell no one about them. Okay, I won't get overly dramatic about this and use hyberole; I will tell bits and pieces to certain people. But she is actually capable of sharing her whole story with me and opens herself for whatever critique I may have for her. She is strong. She has a good passion for life. Stay golden H dogg, I am just beginning to learn.
Speaking of H Dogg, I still am laughing about Chris and his re-telling of the Snoop Dogg Behind the Music. He imitated Snoop saying, "I ain't into all that gang banging shit anymore. I just want to be the best Snoop Dogg I can be." Don't we all. Damn, that should be my motto going into the new year. I'd have to change my name first, but damn if I couldn't be a hella good Snoop Dogg. You have to hear Chris say it, it means a lot more when he says it. And while I am still in a music vein, I must say that KFOG is awesome. I know Action is all about live 105 and Chris is pretty much completely anti-radio, but for me, gotta be the Fog. Great selection, great tunes. I forgot all about 10 at 10, that is some gooood shizznit.
Now it is time to get ready to be gone to Sac town. It will be good to see Miles, do a little bowling and maybe write a song or two. I can throw out some words and he can lay down the tunes. I remember when he said we should head for LA and try and make a go of it. I don't regret not going, but I do. If you know what I mean. think: The Man Who Wasn't There.

Running in broken circles
hurts.
I am sure that is a topic outside the realm of a public pita page. I will say that new year's eve was as about as crazy as they come. next year I pedge to be at a party in someone's house. I woke up hurting from my throat to my heart on New Year's Day. Then I went for a cold, cold walk to the Bay to write in my journal. After spending more time shivering than writing I decided to pack it in and head for home. I must have looked like hell because I was walking with my head down barely keeping my balance. My spirits were lifted when that stranger wished me a Happy New Year. She was real nice. Once back at the crib I couldn't fall back to sleep or anything restorative like that. Instead I made potatoes and eggs for me and Mark and did my best to think about the simple pleasure of mortal sustenance. And I was glad to see the Pac-10 prevail too.
Did you know that big hit Oasis had "Champagne Supernova" has Paul Weller on guitar? I have that riff going over and over in my head for some reason. "why, why, why." And on another musical note, I bought Randy's CD, the Human Atom Bombs, last time I was here in the City, only to get home and find I had it already. If anybody wants a copy let me know. It's good stuff. But so is "Running on the Spot" from the Jam's last album. That would be the other tune i have running through my head. "I was hoping we'd make real progress but it seems we have lost the power. Any tiny step of advancement is like a raindrop falling into the ocean."
Today would be a good day to see a matinee. I want to go somewhere far far away and learn something about myself that I never realized, and sometimes, if I am ready for it, a good movie will do that for me. Where's a good new Woody Allen movie when I need it. Maybe I should follow the raves of Chris and try to find "Annie Hall" on dvd, or some other classic Allen film. If I don't see a flick I think I will spend some time in the east bay bookstores reading the new breed.
I am so glad it is raining today. I love feeling losing myself in melancholy uon rainy days, it just seems to make sense. I remember watching "Crimes and Misdemeanors" at the Vogue on a rainy day. It was opening night and a couple people dressed up like it was the opening in New York or something. They were a couple of older women and they looked smooth. Nice touch. Immortal sustenance. the last movie I saw on the big screen was A Beautiful Mind. It was good. I didn't know what it was going to be about because my Dad picked the movie. No expectations, just good entertainment. Thanks Ron.
After Oregon spanked Colorado I watched the Professional with Mark. he didn't like how improbable the storyline was. I just like how cool Jean Reno was (for a Frenchy). I also saw August in New York which was remarkably dreadful. That was some of the worst writing and worst acting I think I have ever seen. And yeah, I couldn't change the channel because I wasn't sure if she was going to die or not. That movie should have come with a free sample of hemlock so I could have killed myself instead. Oh, but I must mention that some of the camera work was outstanding. They way the cinematographer caught shadows and reflections in different scenes was interesting.
Okay, enough of my mindless babbling. I have got to do some real writing for the new year. and the best thing about feeling like crap is that it makes it real easy to keep my new year's resolution to lose some weight. or at least excess baggage. Can't shake that Running on the Spot song still.