only you know and I know

Sunday night warm
So is this the end of the week? It was a pretty good week but I have lots to do next week - just like always. Work keeps me pretty busy these days but at least I am meeting some good people. Today I stopped by a church to see if they would be interested in a "keep in touch" tower on their property. The minister or kumu I think they are called in Hawaiian was great. We talked about everything from the state of technology to the status of reparations for Hawaiians. It was great. As for the site, well maybe, I have to write up a proposal. I really need to get to Kauai and do some more research on candidates there before i get into trouble. Not real trouble, just having to catch up kind of trouble. Anyway, it's not like I am reluctant to get over there, it's beautiful and friendly too. Sort of speaking of which, I was going to go see a movie tonight but there is nothing here that I haven't seen that I really want to see. Maybe the Score or Crazy Beautiful would be all right, but nothing that really grabs me. I'll probably just stay home and write. I owe some letters still and I would make a tape but 'topher hasn't told me what I put on his last tape. And truthfully, I should be writing rather than taping anyway. I spend a lot of time in my car so I have a lot of time to listen to music. It's too bad the radio stations here are so horrible. Very limited play lists and all so big record industry related. That's why I need Chris and Mando to hip me to new music. The Idlewild CD is good and so is Firewater. Two groups I would have never run across on my own. I was suppose to send Strom a bunch of stuff for his birthday but I haven't done that yet. Man, I am lagging severely. I also owe Julie some stuff. I will aim at getting it done this week. My friend Barbra is gone this week to SF and I am real jealous. I barely know her but still I am jealous. If you run into her maybe buy her a drink and welcome her to the best cosmopolitan city in the world. I would love to be a Specs right now having a pitcher of Bud and some Gouda cheese with Saltines. Now THAT'S a Sunday evening. I feel like flogging myself everytime I think about all the stuff I didn't do while I was in SF! But I am sure I will be back someday so I should concentrate on getting the stuff done here that I want/need to do. Like reinstating the Monarchy and becoming King. Okay, so there will be no more monarchy but maybe a viceroy? Hmm, I think King Kai sounds better :) don't you? thanks to Helen for calling me the other day it was great. Hope is a wonderful thing, even if I only get it vicariously. I am happy she is happy and I am excited that she is excited. Now I have to finish my laundry and go over to Carlos' place to watch Sex in the City. Chris - e-mail me that list. Mando - call me. Action - tell me when you are coming. Greta - I haven't forgot you. Everyone else, aloha.

happy birthday Kathryn
It's early on July 14th and even though I vowed to myself not to write this late after being out on the town, here I am. First I met up with Carlos at Murphy's where there was a big birthday party going on. Then we went to Indigo's for dinner. I had beer, then wine, and it was all good. After that we went to a function at the top of a hotel in Waikiki. It was the first time that I was in Waikiki in some time but it was nice. The view was absolutely spectacular. What do you expect from the 30th floor?! It was some sort of party for the American Heart Association. All I know is that I got a free glass of champagne and a nice pen out of it all. Now I am thinking about what I have to do tomorrow and how I should have maybe sent flowers to Kathryn for her birthday. I sent her some other cool stuff though, so I was not totally remiss. The poem that I wrote and sent her was actually pretty decent. But the one thing it made me realize is that I need to write a lot more poems. To have 40 poems by October 1 will be quite a feat. I have about 15 poems right now that I like but even those will need some modifying. In short, I have a lot of work to do. But I sincerely look forward to it. Beyond that I sort am thinking that I may want to do something different for work. It's just a thought right now but it may become a reality soon. Soon, like within the next year. I want to travel now. Before I was just happy to be in Hawaii. Now I want to hit the Mainland and beyond. I want to see people on their birthdays and other such niceties. Strom has a kid in Boston that I sure would like to see. I also wish I knew more people in random towns across the States so that I could crash at their place in non-linear visit to the Mainland. But I would settle for seeing a Giants game and a bunch of friends. I may see Catherine Ann Jackson sometime soon. She keeps threatening to come out but nothing concrete quite yet. Of course I will still call her Action, but I had to give her some respect and mention her real name. Which reminds me, while I am in the public service announcements mode, Mando got that Idlewild album for me, Helen calls me and I drop my end of the deal and am a loser for not calling her back promptly, I got a cool 2 cd collection of REM's early stuff from Mando's friend who made it himself and Chris' tape that he made for me only gets better the more I listen to it! thanks all. As for Kathryn and her 25th birthday, don't hold back, party hard then party harder. You've got TWO kidneys and a real big liver so don't worry. Well, at least don't worry until you are at least twice as old and those silly liver spots rear their ugly head. TOTALLY kidding! Live it up because that's the way it should be. I am listening to KFOG right now. Big Head Todd and the Monsters are singing "Please Don't Tell Her (I love her)". It reminds me of someone I used to work with but never really think about anymore. I think I sent her an e-mail that ended with that line though. I am so beholden to lyrics for inspiration and interjections but I don't care. Well, at least not usually. As I now recall, it was a very good e-mail that talked about that certain someone in the third person because even though I was writing to her, I was writing to her at work and needed to keep it as a small mystery. Anyway, I probably cc'd Chris on the e-mail but it was decent writing. To no avail. Live and learn. And right now I may not be learning but I sure am living. Hawaii is good. Very very good. But I still haven't found what I'm looking for. Did I mention that I was beholden to lyrics??? I have been listening to old REM a lot lately and it is great stuff. It helps remind me of what I really want from life. It's good shit maynard. Speaking of which, so is sleep. Good night.

Friday morning, the 13th, 'nuff said
I just got back from watching Final Fantasy. I liked it but let me also say this, I am not a big computer animation fan and the story line was weak. But the graphics were nothing short of original. It sort of reminded me of when I saw Wizards and Star Wars for the first time. Just very innovative and interesting. If it really took five years to make then I believe it because it was amazing. I sort of wish the voices weren't so recognizeable but I bet that sells tickets, so whatever gets you thru the night. Speaking of which, just kidding. I am no Judy Blume nor meant to be. I can't remember which Shakespeare play I stole that from but he knows it is his. And the night is mine. Tomorrow I got plenty to do so I will hit the hay in a vain attempt to capture the eighth life form - see the movie.

I fought the Law and the Law won
Against a multiplicity of better judgments I went down to fight my speeding ticket today. I rehearsed my story over and over again so that when I said it in front of the judge I wouldn't be nervous. So when I got up there I told her how I sped up, instead of quickly reducing my speed and possibly causing a collision, because it was the safest thing to do. Sure, I was mildly distracted for a second and didn't see the light change to yellow right away so I was partly responsible, but not THAT responsible. Anyway, to make a long story short, she still found me guilty. BUT she reduce my fine from $112 to $72, so I felt all right about losing. I hope this doesn't ruin my karma and subject me to lots of inane speeding and parking tickets in the future but I felt I had to have my say and explain my side of the story. And because I got up late this morning I almost didn't even bother to go down. But my roommate said I should go and I also think that if I didn't go there would have been a default judgment against me and the fines would have been increased. When she laid down the law and gave me my judgment I almost asked for community service time instead of the fine. But then I thought about what that "service" might entail and I didn't want to be wearing the orange vest and cleaning up the highway on a Saturday morning. But I thought that giving back to the community in a more tangible service would have been better for everyone. Anyway, sod that notion, I will pay the reduced fine and send in a letter complaining about the arresting officer asking me what my racial background is. And all in all I am happy with it. Now I gotta work, which I am not so happy about.

the swingset hair, 7-10-01, 918pm
I really, really like REM's "Green" lp. It is very, very good. My favorite song is the last one on the album, second side. "I stayed up late to hear your voice." How many times has that happened? And how many times have I fallen asleep without getting that call? "Dreams they complicate my life." I'm telling you, it's a good record. "dreams they compliment my life." I don't know how I got Green on the brain but it is sticking. I am so ready for a trip back to the City to see a show or two. the funny thing is that when I was there I totally took that stuff for granted. now I would scratch and claw at eyes to get a ticket to one of those shows. Idlewild, Stiff Little Fingers, Joe Strummer - look out. Last night I was up much too late and tonight I had no business going out but I did and now I am here. It was fun because Carlos and I talked about "Losing the Race". I can't remember the name of the author dude but it made for good conversation. We naturally talked about the OJ Simpson trial as an off shoot of that book and we disagreed about a lot of stuff. I would tell you what I said but I don't think my views on that are mainstream or even that logical. I liked it for my own reasons that were far from the thinking of that book. I want to read the book though because I naturally want to know what the other guy is thinking. Perhaps so I can formulate arguments to shoot him down. It's early, like I mentioned but this mofiaca is TIRED. My favorite song on Green? - maybe World Leader Pretend. Perhaps because in my dreams that's the way I am. In real life I at least have my journal and the ink I spill in there occasionally. Of all the old bands of high school I think REM stayed the truest to their roots. Whether or not that is an accomplishment or not is open for debate. But speaking of debate, it is hard to be a Democrat in Hawaii. It's too easy, it's almost not right. But a lot of Democrats feel that way. Time to go. "I've seen you lay and pine - get up!"

Gertrude Stein said that's enough,
I know that that's not enough now. Thanks to Chris for those lyrics from Idlewild's latest CD. I bought it today because he put two of their songs on the tape he made for me. Next I might buy the Pernice Brothers or Mark Eitzel. It's great to get good music spoon fed to me. For one there is no such a thing as an up and coming pop band from Hawaii, nor do those bands spend the money to make the trip over here. Did I tell you I had scary dreams as a result of watching Kiss of the Dragon the other night? The movie was good, but certainly no Crouching Tiger, so it wasn't great. Good action but the storyline lacked a lot. Bridget Fonda seemed miscast. And the ending, don't get me started! Over the weekend I did see The Confession with Ben Kingsley, Alec Baldwin and Amy Irving. The one thing that movie had going for it was plenty of potential. The storyline was strong, the actors were good and it seemed to have an adequate budget. But it fell a bit short on every level. I don't know if it was the director's fault or the editor's or the actors', but it could have been so much more. I wanted more edge and grit but less palatable resolution at the end. I wanted unanswered questions that linger in your mind like a half-finished sentence. It had closure for closure's sake, not for the benefit of the film as a piece of art or work. It could have been something grand with all those big themes running through it but it settled for being complete. Sort of like A.I. did. But only sort of because I think A.I. was a much bigger and better film. Along those same lines, I told someone I would watch the first season of Sex in the City if they watched the first season of the Sopranos. I know they will be getting the better end of the deal but I figure that I would make the sacrifice. Well, I guess there is a part of me that sort of wants to see it and is glad I now have an excuse to do it. One popular tv show that I will never watch is Ally McBeal - no way, not gonna happen. But Sex in the City, hey, it can't be all bad. Besides I have to study Carrie's character. And speaking of studying characters, no Helen, I do not think I am just like Shrek. I am not an ogre with a soft heart. She thought I was just dead-on like Shrek. Maybe you can let me know what you think. It's almost three a.m. on Tuesday morning so I really should be hitting the hay. The only reason I am still up is that I had a meeting with a landlord for a property I am trying to get leased for Verizon and the wife offered me coffee and I felt it would have been rude to refuse it. But I certainly didn't have to drink the whole cup. Now I am wide awake pondering my options. I should finish that birthday gift, that's what I should do. Anyway, let's get together before too long.

the birds aren't eating the corn chips I gave them
It's early evening on Sunday the 8th and I am pretty happy with how my weekend went and the festivities contained therein. Friday was super cool because I was able to ditch work a hair early and jump in the ocean out by Haena in Kauai. I picked up hitchhikers at three different times and tried to feel transcendent about the freedom of the moment. The first hitcher was a woman who was going to Kilauea. She wasn't real specific on her destination, just that she liked surfing and was told that Kauai was the place to be. I thought her ideas were great but that her lack of a plan and planning might get her nowhere fast. Or maybe she is having the time of her life as I write this. She was from California so we chatted about that a bit but mainly we talked about her general plan of being a beach bum and surfing in Kauai. Nice, short, sweet and she was gone. I did my work then jumped in the water. As I was leaving Haena a couple asked if I could give them a ride into town. They were staying with some friends at a nice rental house and just needed a short lift. I figured what the heck. After I dropped them off I saw another dude hitching and sort of hestitated before I picked him up. He didn't appear real friendly or talkative but I figured he needed a ride so I would give it to him since I had the time. Turns out he makes necklesses from seeds and stuff and lives in Hanalei. He was an alright guy but there was a lot of dead spots in the conversation which is always kind of weird. But I dropped him and headed on to the airport and called it a day. I was suppose to go to the Spy Bar but I was too tired, plus I would have had to go home and shower before I could have gone out and I didn't want to go over the hill more than once. Carlos said the music stunk but the scenery was nice. All day Saturday I was prepping for the party: buying food, drinks and plasticware. Then five o'clock rolls around and bam! nobody. The first guest didn't arrive until just after 6! - how's that for island time? But right after that lots of people started arriving and before I knew it I had a party on my hands. Cooking all thme burgers was sort of a drag but I was glad that I made the pasta salad early. It all came together and it really was a lot of fun. At the end of the evening we split into two teams and played a music trivia game that one of the guys made himself. It involved guessing the theme songs of shows from the 60s and 70s. Let me tell you that every police show of the 70s had an almost identical theme song. Funny thing was that no one guessed the theme song to Little House on the Prairie. Clean for the party wasn't too bad because no one overindulged to the point of hurling. So we had that going for us. But now I have a lot of leftover beer that I don't know what to do with. Too bad tomorrow night there isn't a Monday Night Football game I could invite people over to my house to watch and consume beer. I might have to try and imbibe it myself. I'll keep you posted. Today I have been doing a lot of nothing which has been great. I actually did get some progress on a birthday present that I need to mail out no later than Tuesday morning. I listened to alot of good tunes while I was trying to make my friend's gift. They were mainly songs that were popular in high school. Anyway, I had better get back to the creative process and finish that gift. Oh, I mean after I go see the new Jet Li movie. I heard it is great and I suspect it is. With the weekend pretty much over I have no bruises and no pictures to show you. How about you? I'll try harder next weekend.

aloha Friday once again
I am off to Kauai again today and I am pretty excited about that. I will try and get all my work done early and then play a bit there. Tomorrow I have my party in early evening until late in the next millenium. I had the small town 4th of July from the morning parade that went down my street to the fireworks on the beach. That full moon on the ocean was the real show that night though. I didn't barbecue anything on the 4th because that's what my party tomorrow will be about. I did make some sangria for the people that came over for the parade. They brought bloody marys so it was a VERY nice parade. Actually I liked the parade a lot and the whole day in general. It was so small town and folksy that for a moment I felt innocent. I met someone last night who will be heading to SF next week. I tried to tell her things I would do if I were her but that got to be tiresome. There are a lot of things I would do if I were visiting SF. Mainly I would go to a Giants game and yell like crazy. I'd also go to caffe macaroni for lunch and the sf brew co at 4pm. oh then maybe slide down to Specs for a kamikaze before heading on to Grant & Green for some blues, Johnny Nitro style. Mmm. There is a lot I would do. I did give her a key to Mark's apartment and told her she could crash there in a pinch. Not that she would want to go out in the Marina :) just kidding on both accounts. Now I am off to have breakfast with Mando and my Dad, should be nice. I am not going out tonight though because I need to clean and get ready for tomorrow. Or at least that is my story for now. If I go anywhere I might go to the Spy Bar. If for no other reason than I think it has a cool name. Elisa said Chris made her a really cool tape and that she wants to see a show with him when she in town. I laughed and told her my tape is better and that Chris IS a show whenever I am in town. I don't know what I meant by that but was trying to be funny. And I can't go back and adjust it because I am in a hurry. I do like the tape though 'topher, thanks. Play hoops tomorrow and foul somebody for me. That's all I am good for these days. Anyhow, everybody go out and have a great weekend and we can compare pictures and bruises on Monday!

Letting go, 755pm, 7-1-01
WARNING: YOU MAY WANT TO SEE THE MOVIE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE BEFORE READING THIS ENTRY. DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU!!! I saw A.I. today then traded opinions about it in my film discussion group. This time I wasn't too talkative because I was honestly more interested in what others had to say about the movie. Now don't worry I won't give any of the plot away - except to say that I was surprised the boy killed himself so early in the film (just kidding!). The film had so many themes and topics running through it that I thought it was too much. But, having said that, I thought it was a very good film that people should definitely go see. One of the most interesting aspects of the films is trying to decide what was due to the influence of Kubrick and what was all Spielberg. Kubrick started the film before his death and collaborated a bit with Spielberg on it. But after his passing Spielberg picked up the project and brought it to fruition. Now I don't know how many of you have seen most of Spielberg's films but they all have to do with the dying and regeneration of a people. This one is no different(especially in relation to his best flick, Empire of the Sun). But what makes it special is that it's not a simple fairytale where there is a people who face extinction then get brought back through some incredible event. Instead, it is a people who love and dream that face extinction and the mechanism for their reincarnation is through a machine they once hated and tried to eliminate. But with that comes the idea of love and what it means to be loved as well as to give love. So here is what I got out of that part of the movie. That a loving relationship can be started by anyone but it can also be ended by anyone, even a mother. This is definitely not a film I would take a kid to see, especially if they were adopted or have a single parent. The beginning is much too tough for them to understand and they would have nightmares. Anyway, I liked that part of the movie the most because that is when the kid learns (or doesn't learn) about letting go. And if there is one thing I could relate to it was that. I don't mean that in a someone dying and letting go kind of way, but more the way it is presented in the film - recognizing the end of a relationship and letting go. I won't expound on that too much except to say that I used to think it was a good thing to hold a torch (however small) that one day the one you love will love you too. It's a tragically romantic notion. I remember going to UC Davis thinking maybe I will run into so and so and things will be the way I always hoped they will be. And we would have the kind of relationship we always dreamed about. Well, you can guess on how that story ended. But, I will admit that I am a hopeless romantic and that when I meet people like Helen, and even Emo and Mark to a certain extent, who really go after a relationship with their heart on their sleeve that I feel I live in the right world. I think it was Wallace Stevens who said that he writes so that he can find a world he can live in, and I would tend to agree. To parrot an REM line, "that's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight losing my religion." In a way it links up in thought to Charles Bukowski's book "You get so alone that it just makes sense." Most of our time is spent thinking by ourselves, to ourselves, and therein lies our reality. If you read "darkness" from the Bukowski book I think it sort of ties it all up neatly. But the resolution for the kid in the movie is no resolution at all. At least not in any full reality for his mommy. But hey, go see the flick, think about it and maybe write me about it. I'd like to know what you think.

Sunday morning, 7-1-01
I haven't been up before 8am on a Sunday in a long time. Probably not since Kathryn was here. I like the morning and getting up early to have a nice start on the day but on weekends it usually doesn't happen. I wasted so much of my day yesterday that I felt impelled to get up early today. The only bummer about being up early today is that it is overcast. I am sure it will burn off by about 10 but for now it's kinda gloomy looking - which I kind of like. If I have one big gripe about living here in Hawaii it would be the fact that there are no seasons. I need a cold rainy season so that I can shut myself inside my house and spend a lot of time writing. If it is sunny outside then I feel like I should be outside making the most of my day. But if it's raining, heck, I can hole up all day and not feel bad about it. Also, I don't have too many friends here so it's not like I am getting calls to go out a lot. But I will still get my "work" done on my collection of poems so as to have them done by October 1. My latest incentive to work on them is that I wanted to make a little handwritten booklet of them for a friend's birthday. Let me tell you there is nothing that makes me more nervous than giving someone I know some of my poems. I give them a lot of power over me when I do that because I am instantly vulnerable to their criticism. Not that they would necessarily tear me down about them, it just makes me hyper-sensitive that's all. I can't really explain it. But I will do it anyway because it's the right thing to do. Speaking of birthdays, I got to think of what I am gonna get my Dad and brother, Karl. They are the 19th and 21st and I always forget which one comes first! It's a shame because I know everybody else's birthday but them. If I had to guess, I think my Dad's comes first. Karl will be easy to get something for because I will just get some Hawaiian stuff together and that should be fine. As for my Dad, I will have to think on that. Right now I am off to sip some herbal tea and write. I got an unexpected letter in the mail from Laura so I have to write back to her. The cool thing is she makes her own paper and writes exactly the way she speaks (except a bit more open about her thought process on the whys of what she does) which makes for a very interesting read. I also have outstanding parcels for Strom and Julie that I need to gather and mail. That reminds me, I had a dream about being around Julie when her water broke and she had her baby (she hasn't had the new one yet). It was pretty hazy and wild. All right, I am excited about the second half of the year but am bummed it came so quickly. Go out and enjoy the moment.