only the echoes of my mind

California Dreamin' 2-8-02
Lots still to do and even more will remain undone when I leave. Kind of sucks that way. But I made the best of the short time I had. It was a hell of a run. In hindsight there are certainly things I would have done differently but nothing too drastic like not come at all. I think I would have stopped trying at work and made them fire me, but I guess that would look bad on the ol' resume. Plus, I don't want that whole stigma working on my karma when I am trying to find a job(ma). It's allways sad saying goodbye so I will just say aloha.

"But I am trying to be the Shepherd" 2-6-02
It's tomorrow then gone. I have been doing some packing but not nearly ready. You know that tale of woe already though. I just got back from seeing Gosford Park and to tell you the truth I think I liked more the second time around. The first time I caught alot of what was going on but the second time I caught much more and it made me appreciate the intricate nature of the storylines. I liked the thing the maid said about love and how that's what matters. I just don't understand exactly why she said it in the context of the film. Maybe it was just meant to represent the "downstairs" perspective while everyone upstairs was about money and position. Great flick. I must go rent Rules of the Game now.
The sky is gorgeous with stars tonight. I like going for walks on starry nights here because it is some damn temperate. Actually, I like going on walks on starry nights that are cold too. It gives me reason to bundle up and return to light a fire. My place in SF has a fireplace, mmm. But you should see the clarity of sky tonight, it makes me think I could circumnavigate the globe with lights like that. Of course in reality I would be lucky to find my way back home by the stars tonight. But home is where the heart is - or something like that. And the Anchor Brewery is a long ways away :) All in due time.
I wrote a nice little poem yesterday that I am fairly happy with. I think I have a lot of those waiting to get out. I think whenever I am overly emotional and easily riled, it's all because there is a poem in there fighting to get out. I think there may be a couple more asking to get out. They will have to wait until after I have finished my packing tonight, which is a long ways away. Perhaps even farther then some of those stars.
Don't you hate it when you get a message on your cellphone and you don't know who it is from. It can either be because the message is broken up or that the person doesn't leave their name and you can't tell whose voice it is. Well I got one of those tonight except it was a bit different. This person left their name and I still didn't know who the hell it was. After the third listen I finally figured out who it was but they called me like we had just been hanging out yesterday but I had seen this person in almost exactly one year. She's a cool person though and I am glad she called. I hope she is still around in SF when I get back so we can get together. Not "get together" but just get together. Although . . . :)
Ah, I am getting goofy now, must be my bed time. Maybe I will try and deprive myself of sleep for the next little stint so that when the day comes for me to leave for home I will sleep like a baby on the plane. Last time I flew to SF I had a horrible time. I have a bit of a phobia of flying and it was definitely getting the better of me. I had to talk to the girl next to me and then write some crazy shit in my journal just to reach a level of calm which kept me in my seat and not ask to be let off the plane before it ever took off. My fear there is that one, they wouldn't let me off anyway, and two, there would be sky marshalls waiting for me at the other end and my name would be put on some sort of list I wouldn't be allowed to fly anymore. Oh yes! I am mad, north by northwest. I guess that is the only thing to be glad about getting my last journal stolen, now no one will ever read the crazy stuff I wrote about a certain individual. In hindsight, it is almost comical - almost. Who would I write about this time? Hmm, I don't know. But a nice little panic attack would certainly have me writing crazy about something or someone, guaranteed. Now to sleep, perchance to dream. Go see Gosford Park and tell me why that maid says love is all that matters. "Not to receive but to be able to give love. That's all that matters." I wish. And sometimes I still dream.

going to California with an aching in my heart 2-5-02
I always say I am gonna take a long break from posts here but it never happens. I get my helper monkey going and the posts just appear. But this is definitely my last post in Hawaii. I have less than a week to get my things together and get on a plane. this is much more sudden than I had hoped it would be but I just found out that it is the only time I can use my airline coupon this month! if it has to be like this then it has to be like this. I feel extremely bad about not doing more while I was here and leaving in such a hurry. I have to get a bunch of resumes out and all sorts of stuff like that. i don't look forward to the amount of serious scrambling I have to do. I do love California and the great friends I have there but oh Hawaii. it is a tough place to leave.
Last time I was here I stayed for three years and I felt it was time for me to go back when I finally did go back. This time I came in a hurry and now I am rushing to leave. Hawaii is all about relaxation for me and fully enjoying my surroundings but not this time. I won't even have time to have a decent going away party. I still have to chat with Mark and see what I need to do to get back into the old pad. the one easy transition is that he never took the cable bill out of my name. now that's comedy. all this time I have been receiving a forwarded cable bill in Hawaii and he just pays it over in SF.
I would like to do one last hike, see the sun rise one last time and see the sunset at Gordon Biersch one more time. I also want to jump in the water on the North Shore one more time. And go see my moke buddies on the west siiiiide before I go. Lots to do, so little time. First things first though, gotta call Mark and see what the plan is there. he is a great roommate and I am sure we will workout a good situation. I can't wait to see the Giants play and all the wonders of Spring in SF. The fog and the beauty, can't wait.
But like I said before, it will be hard leaving Hawaii. The aina, and that comes from it is what I will miss. It's just like the state slogan says, eu mau o ka aina something or other. I forget how it goes in Hawaiian but it's about the beauty of the land being perpetuated in righteousness. I believe it. if you were here you would believe it too. Silly Chris never made it, Mo didn't make it this time around either. Mark and Helen got a good taste of it. Elisa had lots of free time to take it all in. Lots of good times had here this time around. Now it is time to really get to work in SF. Whatever I end up doing when I get back I am gonna be doing it to death. Do do do, that's what I look forward to.
And so, if this is my last post i just want to give a shout out to all who have read my meandering rants and have given me feedback and support. It's great that I have this year of writing in my pita because it is my only written history of the time. As I am sure you remember, my journal that covered this exact time frame was stolen, so this is all I got. Maybe I will copy and print it out for safe-keeping of a hard copy. besides, I don't know what the Pita people could do if I leave this page dormant for too long. Maybe I will try and go back to Diaryland and see if my old page is still around. It could be fun just to see what I used to write there. Actually I always like reading old stuff I have written, it is so damn humbling.
Now it is back to one on one emails and long-distance phone calls. I have started my yearly Valentine's Day poem and perhaps that would be a more fitting last post. We'll see.

what a crazy weekend 2-4-02
I don't know about you but I wasn't giving the Patriots a chance in yesterday's super bowl. but as I look back on it now, it's okay that they won. I thought it was kinda fishy the way the refs let the last two seconds just wind off the clock without stopping it and giving the rams one last play. oh well. i didn't have to much emotionally invested in which team was going to win even though I had ten bucks riding on it. I'm glad that it was at least close in the end. that commercial with barry Bonds and Hank Aaron is really what made the super bowl for me. that was some funny shit. I thought I would play a little football at halftime but I enjoyed the U2 show instead. plus, i was a bit sore from playing football the day before.
today i hope to finalize a bunch of things. one would be getting my deposit back from my whacked-ass landlords. i have to go meet them in an hour. then i will try and lock down a return date. that is a bit more complicated but everything is these days. i just gotta do what i think is right for me in the long run and hope everything else that people want or expect just falls in to place from there. if i could be back for $2 pints of Anchor Steam at the Elbo Room on Monday night, that would be entertainment!(not like "lights going out and a kick in the balls", that's different) anyway, that would be so nice i wouldn't care too much that i stand a good chance of getting smoked in pool by my evil arch-enemy the 'Topher. The Force is telling me that the bastard has been practicing on more than one occasion in my absence and is seeking to rule the pool world. my demise may be imminent.(not like eminent, which would be completely different)
life is good when you spend most of the day staring at the silver linings even though there are plenty of clouds around here lately. And just so you know, I mean that quite literally. Saturday was a nice day but Sunday degenerated quickly and now we are back to the rain, peaks of sunrays, rain, darkness. like i said earlier, it's a new month and soon it will be a new Chinese year, so all the stuff that sucked in January is officially let go of. well, it will be once those acid-taking, non-bathing, third-grade educated, self-centered lunatics, also known as my landlords, give me back my mickey fick deposit! Grrr. Don't get me started. I am TRYING to be the shepherd.
All right time to face them. Hope all is fabulous in your radio land and that we meet again real soon. same bat time and same bat channel.

only you know and I know 2-3-02
okay, so now it is barely the third of feb (in CA) and I got my call in to helen wishing her the happy 30th. sounds like she and the gang are having quite a nice time. then I talked to elisa briefly and she seemed a bit taxed from her excursion to Reno. I hope she gets oscar back soon. otherwise there might be a whole lot of bitching and moaning going on (especially from Chris). Actually I think I will be dong my fair share of that tomorrow no matter what happens. I played football today and it wasn't your normal two-hand touch kind of game. But what do you expect when brothers are on opposite teams? I am gonna touch him as hard as i can and expect him to do the same. It was a hell of a lot of fun though.
That football game on tomorrow between a strong midwest team and a mediocre east coast team doesn't really hold much for me. I don't want the rams to win because they already think they are so great and are heavy favorites, but I don't want the patriots to win either because I don't think their team is worthy of calling themselves a super bowl champion. Oh what to do what to do?! I guess I will watch the game half heartedly while embibing half heartedly and then throw the football around at halftime and then snooze soundly through the second half. And when the rams when I will call Strom (in Boston)and him what happened to his team (he actually likes the Niners but I haven't spoken to him in awhile so it's a good excuse to call and rib him).
I have lots of little things to do now that the move looks imminent. Shipping is my biggest concern. Som any heavy boxes. Ugh. And I still have more boxes to pack. It's just a huge pain in the arse. But the light at the end of the tunnel is a bright one. I looked forward to being back in the City surround by familiar settings and friends. I really look forward to having Mark as a roommate again. I really look forward to testing my pool skills on a weekly basis while treating Frenchie to fresh Anchor Steam on tap. And I look forward to long, non-longdistancecalls about everything under the sun (well at least as they relate to her) with Helen. Ah, there are too many things that I will enjoy to mention them all here. Arm-wrestling with Monique, bending an elbow with Jackson, finding new places to just be in the City, they are all so sweet I can almost taste them. All in due time.

wrong turns, dead ends and apologies 2-2-02
I ain't talking about any of that stuff in this entry. It's a new month, the beginning of a new day AND it's Helen's birthday! Give her a call at 510 268-0715 and say happy birthday. I will take her out for dinner soon enough. besides she is getting hella pampered at some spa right now. got there by limo, all kinds of luxuries on her birthday weekend. that sort of reminds me of a couple of Navy guys I was talking to earlier this evening. they were talking about the wonders of Thailand. the way they painted it, it is an adult male's Disneyland. I was half intrigued by what they were saying and fully repulsed. if one american dollar was like a hundred bhat(or whatever their currency is) I would use my money to buy nice tailormade suits, go to excellent dinners and stay in fine hotels, not buy sexual favors from the impoverished working class. it just strikes me as so ugly and wrong. but maybe I am in the extreme minority on this one. I am quite sure that most guys who find themselves with sudden wealth would use it in sleazy, low-minded ways. Who knows, maybe when I go to Amsterdam and see the Syrian women in the glass windows and I will think differently. I doubt it though. that's not exactly what I look for in a foreign country.
even though it is now technically the second day of the month and I am suppose to go on some crazy four hour hike in less than eight hours, I am still smoldering of the craziness of the first of Feb. After a bunch of panic in trying to find the office I was supposed to be at, I had a job interview that went nowhere. Then I finished cleaning the house I moved out of. Well, I had a couple of beers with Carlos in the midday. But then I do the walk-through with the landlords and they go crazy, nit-picking every little mark, scuff or wear and tear. the walk through took over two hours because we couldn't agree on anything and just went round and round in circles. It was pretty damn infuriating and I don't get riled too easily. I am thinking now that we should just say hey, we know you don't claim this on your taxes and either you give us our deposit back or you are gonna end up paying a lot in back taxes. grrr. I hate being ugly, but maybe it's not too far away.
I have so much to write tonight and so little time. But with only a week or two left before I leave this place I figure I should write as much and as often as possible. I started this page as sort of a way for my SF friends to keep up with what I was doing while away in Hawaii, so when I return to SF I will let this page die. It is a fun place to cast out ideas and rants about random stuff but I would like to write for something different. Helen has some sort of an idea about a multimedia site and it sounds interesting. although, I had to tell her I don't know shit about web pages, but I can form a sentence with the best of them. yeah, that's boasting, but this is MY pita page. so off me.
In closing I must say that I have a few more readers than I previously thought which is both good and frightening. It's good because friends will call me and know what is troubling me or exciting me and we can cut straight to the chase. It's frightening because the more people that read this the more self-conscious I become about what I write. But damn, it is MY pita page in case you forgot :) Besides, I just write. the words I write have no intrinsic value, only what you the reader give to them. and as long as i can convince myself of that I can write worry-free. But I will mention certain people less, or at least not by name. Besides, I am not really dissing anybody in particular here, just ranting and raving like my crazy-ass landlords. Lord, help me, those folks are what Chris would call, "some whacked-ass muthafuckas!" Oh, sometimes life's rich pageant is a bit much. a bottomless floor. but then there are true friends. and when those bastards let you down there's beer, sweet beer :)