is it in my head?

4-27-01 early, or late late late
It is barely past midnight as I type away on Mando's little keyboard. The funny thing that I was talking to Carlos about earlier was how Mando used to have a speech impediment. It wasn't a small thing at all. I mean that boy was REALLY hard to understand. He had a couple of things that he liked to say that just made me laugh because no one could understand him. Okay, enough little brother bashing. But what next?! I saw my picks for the fantasy baseball thing and am a little disappointed in my home run hitters but my pitchers may work. They did it for me last year. I keep writing Chris but that little beyatch hasn't written me back yet. I mention that solely so he will get on the ball and write me. Poor bastard is probably working like a dog at his new job and has no time to write, but hey, I verbally flogged my bro, why not Chris? I am in the mood for flogging but I won't carry it on to anyone else. I got a cool card from Helen today. It was some pool-related thing, but funny. I need to find a place to live badly, because that is the only real stress for me these days. Tomorrow that's all I am doing. Calling and seeing places. Mockingbird, wish me luck.

4-24-01 Back in Hawaii
I got in last night and am happy to be back. I had a great time running around California trying to see and do as much as possible while I was there. I saw CJ, Mark, Emo, Helen, Mo, Bob, Bert, Mom and then CJ again. That baseball game Wednesday night really was a good start to my trip. Pool with Chris was fun too but I sort of felt bad about beating him in pool. He wasn't on top of his game so it made my victories a bit hollow. Dinner and a movie with Helen was a great impromptu thing. Lots of chatting and laughing. Going up to Lake Tahoe with Mo and Bob was a blast. Driving after just moving my stuff to Oakland, where it is now being shipped over here, was a bit tough but nothing that cooler in the back couldn't take care of. Then hanging out with Bert, Steph and Stacey James in Gardnerville was something out of a Lynch movie. Sharkey's is something everyone should experience at least once in their lives. The karaoke there is like no other I have ever experienced - full on Lynchian. I was expecting a midget with a limp to come dancing on the bar after awhile. The baptism of Delaney Frances Seward was really nice too. I got to hold her as they sprinkled her with water and I became her godfather. Great kid. I also saw Mike Silberling, his wife and kid. I haven't seen him in quite some time. I never was as good friends with him as I am with Strom and Bert but he goes back to high school and is right up there with some other good friends. I am glad he is doing so well in the Harrah's organization. Seeing my Mom towards the very end of my trip was a good gesture (even though it really put me behind in my clean up efforts at home). One last game of Scrabble and a great home-cooked meal was just what I needed before my return here. Monday I scrambled to get last minute things done. And the last thing I did was meet CJ for a beer before take off. IT was a very good trip. I suppose it will have to last until Thanksgiving when I hope to get back there. Until then I think I will have a lot of work to do. I certainly look forward to my first visitor, so hurry up and come on out!

4-20-01 Didn't we have a nice time
It feels like my last SF hurrah for awhile but it is nice. I am anxious to get back to Hawaii and settle my living situation. But so far my nights have been good here. Wednesday was perfect with the baseball game and all. Thanks to Barry for hitting number 501 into the drink for me and winning the game. Speaking of hitting the drink, boy that CJ sure does make me drink. I probably wouldn't have had any beers at the game if it weren't for her. She basically force-fed me three beers and then insisted we go to the Buc for more. I am kidding of course. It was a great time until I started beating that dude in pool for money ($20 and $30 at a time) and he bought me that shot to put me over the top. I should have had more for dinner than just a polish dog and some Krisy Kremes, but that's all CJ would allow me time to eat between beers :) She went to work the next day so that was pretty brave of her. I just went home and collapsed until about noon. Now I am behind in my packing and can't spend much timeout tonight. I don't feel like staying out too late anyway. Last night I played pool with Chris after we had dinner at Firecracker. It was some good eats and our waitress was gorgeous. We played pool at Hollywood Billiards which is the best place in town to play pool if you ask me. It gets crowded on the weekend and the jukebox ain't all that, but there are some good tables, good sticks, and Guinness. After Chris and I played eight games, CJ and her lovely and talented friend showed up. We played doubles and my partner helped us win 2 to 1. Poor Chris, he wasn't on that night. He showed play a bit more when I am not around. He beats me enough that I don't ever feel bad about beating him. Afterwards we all went home. I tried to heat up some chili beans in the microwave and ended up cooking my fingers with them. After they were done heating up, I lifted the plastic wrap and the steam that came out completely burned the skin on my index and middle fingers of my right hand. Know I look like the cousin to the mummy as I type this. Luckily I had gauze, tape and ointment to put on my fingers right away. But the burning sensation kept me awake for quite some time. Then I had to pack with my stupid hand and it has been difficult. But really, I have been having a very good time while I have been here. Gotta go home now though and keep packing. Late.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
Filed an extension last night for my taxes and have no idea if I owe or am getting money back. I filed my extension with about 9 minutes to spare. I was just going to blow it off for a couple of days til I got back and was able to actually do them but my little brother's roommate had everything I needed (form, envelope, stamp) so I couldn't refuse. I paid $60 just in case I actually did owe them so dough they will charge me only interest and not a 25% fine as well. I am hoping that Emo reads this and keeps Thursday night free because I would like to go out in the e-bay and play some pool. hell, it could be near my place, his place or the mickey fick avenues - I just want shot some stick, snap some proverbial and quaff a few cold ones. I want some cheap beer too. I am tired of all these highfalutin hoppy hand-crafted ales I have been embibing. Give me an Oly in a can! And bring on the pool boyeee! Maybe Mark can come out too. He goes down south this weekend so if I don't see him Thursday or Friday, I won't really see him before I return here. Not much time to chat though, I have got to find a place to live. I will see you all soon. alooooooha!

getting in tune much later on 4-16
Would it reflect poorly upon me as a citizen if I didn't pay my taxes on time? Hey, what's three days amongst friends? Okay, so nobody on the Tax Board or in the IRS is my friend but that's a small thing. Truth is all my stuff to do my taxes is at home in SF so they aren't getting done until next week when I get back here and have time to sit down and do them. There goes my clean record, no more chance for my political aspirations. The unification of the Hawaiian people and lands will have to be done by someone else, someone who pays their taxes on time. Oh, better yet maybe I will get everyone here not to pay taxes on a taxation without representation platform. Could be. The weather here is superb, maybe a little on the hot side though. Tonight is Miles' last night out so we are giong to dinner at Pueblo, a Spanish restaurant, with Dad and little bro. My sister is a bit under the weather. It should be fun because I haven't had anything near Spanish food in quite a while. Another culinary delight that I am looking forward to is garlic fries and beer at PacBell Park on Wednesday night. Hopefully I will have all my moving chores done by Friday night so that I can play with all my friends. Saturday I have to go to Reno and become a godfather to Bert's daughter. Then Monday I will return to Hawaii. Short time frame and lots to do. I really look forward to it though. Seeing friends and cleaning up the loose ends will be good. I may even squeeze in a game of pool while I am there. Oh yes, and cold, malted beverages in moderation. Right Chris? New laughs for old, new laughs for old. Speaking of which, it was good to talk to Mo today. She seemed a bit stressed but that is life as a paralegal in a big firm. I sort of feel bad that I helped steer her towards her current job. But her last job extracted the same amount of blood but paid a lot less so at least she has that going for her. She should just go with it and move on up into paralegal management. She can do it, but will she. It will also be great to see Bert and his family. I like having good friends they are so comforting. All right before I start getting all reminiscy I am going to get ready to grub. Besides, that last entry was warm and fuzzy enough to last me a month or two.

4-16-01 let's fall in love
snow melting to cold, crisp, ice water. tulips pushing up with tubers. a warmth that caresses each cell as they begin a new shine all over again. Eliot said April is the cruellest month, but that's only if you are old and jealous of youth and the renewal of life they truly enjoy. so let us go then, you and I, whether the world is awake yet or not. there, between half opened notions of intrigue and lust, we will find our way. surely, we will find a life in the moments others spend waiting, debating and perhaps even living. but us, we will be creating. I saw Diana Krall tonight with Miles and Mando. Very good show. I really didn't know what to expect because I had never heard of her. But she has a great voice, an excellent band and a love and respect for Jazz. I also liked the fact the that everyone was dressed up and looking more than their usual beautiful selves. The tans, the relaxed, natural beauty is so consuming that it keeps me happy. I think that is about 70% of what keeps me happy here. There is something in beauty that is reassuring. Whether it is in a baby or a woman, it gives me a smile and scent of happiness that I wish I could smell everyday of my life. And perhaps here in Hawaii, I may. So with a smile, rubbed between us, we have a kiss and we are on our way. I liked how in Chris' last pita entry he mentioned me twice. Don't worry boyee, I will be back in a matter of days. You can beat me in pool and in longevity of drinking escapades because I am severely out of practice. One episode of pool in the last three weeks and perhaps thirty beers. It has been a lot of fun though. More than I ever thought it would be. Smoother, easier and just generally more enriching than what I predicted possible. So I have got that going for me. Tonight we did karaoke and I realized that I should stick to the Dylan tunes - they fit my vocal range much better than songs by people like paul mccartney. Even though I know the lyrics, the songs have too much vocal movement. I think the only thing I could branch out to and sing is Neil Young (who I will always remember being described as Bob Dylan trying to hit a high note). Yeah, that's about my speed. Miles sang a bunch though and he did well. Noel and Myra (my landlords) did some good stuff. They made us an Easter feast and it was great. There was prime rib, grilled shrimp, turkey fresh from the oven, stuffing, smashed potatoes, gravy and various pupus. It was all very good. It's nice to go out on such a good note. Tonight (Monday) we are going to dinner with Dad as a farewell to Miles; who leaves Tuesday morning. I leave Wednesday so I am flying on his proverbial tail. I look forward to seeing all my peeps but I also have a ton of crap to finalize while I am at home. I even got a baby christening to go to on Sunday. Lots of stuff to do. But tonight all I am thinking about is you, me and the love we leave unshared.

4-13-01 Good, Aloha Friday the 13th
Lots going these days in terms of travel and seeing the neighbor Islands. Miles and I went to the Big Island then decided to stay a night on Maui. It was alot of un and I don't have time to go into it because I am in a semi-rush to get to the beach - woo, life is tough. And I guess I am just the person to get tough with it. Lots of little things to do here still (like finding a permanent place to live) but nothing is too tough. I finally played my first game of pool on Wednesday with some locals in Hilo. Louie and one-armed Dan were cool. If you must know I think I ended up 4-3, which meant my pool game good but not great. The overall time was great though. Cool people and easy. I liked how Louie really wanted me to come back later. I blamed my leaving on Miles and how I had to show him around the island. I will really try and get back there when someone comes and wants to travel to a neighbor island. The Big Island was great in general. Good eats, good sights and lots of space to drive. I think I will have a great time visiting the neighbor islands while I am here. Lots of fun ahead.

4-9-01 whispers in the shadows
Okay, I know you all know I am in Hawaii. You all know in theory that Hawaii is a great place to be. But let me tell you, this time around is a great, great experience. Sooner or later I will start kvetching about the Island being too small and how no bands from the Mainland come and play here and blah blah about whine whine. But right now, I am absolutely loving life. I just met with the client for work today and he seems very goal-oriented (read "hard-ass") but he also said that because of changes in upper management we won't get the actual work to do for three weeks. What did he say?!? All I heard was something about vacation. I am off to the big island and then maybe Maui because Molokai flights are at odd hours. Miles is waiting for me at the Row Bar so I gotta make this quick but I just wanted to edit my previous entry (I actually neutered that bad boy) after getting concerned e-mails about it. It also had a lot of lame typos which I am trying to keep to a minimum this time around. Hawaii is an all new me. Well, not all new because I am stuck with the same body parts but I think you know what I mean. There are a couple good things about my last pita entry. Helen called, so I got that going for me. And Jackie sent me an e-mail about general stuff. So I won't write while I am away the next two days but you should know that I laid the foundation for a great tan when I was on the North Shore yesterday. It was a great time and I feel like a million bucks today. I sorta burned a bit but nothing major. I don't have some wicked lobster looking skin (because I don't think it possible), just a nice tan glow. And on that note I will go in search of similarly tanned beverages and "bodies burning red"*.

4-7-01 And if I say to you
I have always had a soft spot for Jazz, beer and Led Zeppelin. If you don't know what I mean by that well, get to know me. Surf's up and we all want to see it so Miles, Mando and I are heading to North Beach tomorrow. On Tuesday Miles and I head to Hawaii and Molokai and it's all good! Hey, Chris, write! Hey CJ, write me! Hey Helen, call me again - it won't hurt. Everyone else, you should at least e-mail me. I saw Pollock again today with Miles and Mando and got a lot from it. CJ is a smart cookie. I saw a lot of what she was talking about the first time we saw it. Well, a young man ain't got nothing in the world these days. Chris, just do it! And Mark, I will be home soon enough. Grits, hope all is well. And a young man ain't got nothing! Actually if we are talking about Who songs that I will never let go of, then it is the sole efforts of Pete on the Secret Policeman's Ball that will forever rock my world. That version of Won't Get Fooled Again is the best. "And the beards have all grown longer over night. I tip my hat to the new constitution, take a bow for the new revolution. Smile and grin and the change all around - pick up my guitar and play. Just like yesterday. then I get on my knees and pray - we don't get fooled again." Maybe that and "A Quick One While He's Away" I love Weller but damn the lyrics are good on those Who tunes! Do you got my back on that or what Chris?! "Like a dream on the ocean, always slipping away. Sometimes a great notion can lead you astray. So weak to devotion, so strong to desire." I love it all. It is so damn strong and real.

Aloha Friday - If can, can
There are some things about Hawaii that just crack me up and pidgeon english would be one of those things. Usually it is some extremely truncated form of expression that you could only decifer it's meaning through usage. Take for example: if can, can. If it was used in a sentence - say you ask me if I will be going to Paul's party tonight and could I give you a ride. I subtly reply, if can, can. And that really says it all. Hey, if I can make it to Paul's party tonight, sure I will give you a ride. But it's also implied that, hey, I want to go but don't count on me being there because maybe I will make it there and maybe I won't. So hey, if can, can. The beauty of simplicity. And since we are on the subject of beauty and simplicity, I just think that is absolutely the way life SHOULD be. Sure, it rarely is, but it feels like life approaches that perfect blend a lot here. Much more so than anywhere else. So next time I am whining and pleading with you to come visit me just say, Hey Kai, if can, can. aloha

4-5-01 pretty-eyed, pirate smile
Mmm. Now life is easing into being the best it could possibly be. My crisis has been mitigated if not altogether relieved. I only panic about what other people panic about and I don't hear anyone beating down my door in panic so it's time to smell the plumeria and hang loose. I met my project manager for work today and all I can say is I would never travel abroad (or anywhere) with him. To me he epitomizes the "ugly american" stereotype. He this big dude from Texas and I hear he is a sloppy drunk. I don't want to disparage the man too much because he seems to know his shit when it comes to work-related stuff, but daaaaamn! I don't want him anywhere near me when I am in public. Nor do I want him in any way associated with me. I can't go into detail because I need to go home but my co-worker was telling me what a crude asshole he was last night. It made me shudder. Please Lord, why me? But hey, I am here as you are there (and we are all together) and I feel like life is really looking up. I miss a lot of the comforts I had when living in the City, like a cool roommate, good friends and a pretty cushy life in general, but I am in Hawaii. It's much better living in Hawaii this time because I don't have to go through all those steps of becoming acclimated to the people, pace and culture. It's all there, just the way I left it. I mean precious little has changed. And from where I am sitting that is great. Plus I can listen to KFOG over the net. Did I mention that life is good? I did miss Helen's call this afternoon but hey I busy executing a few beverages. You will be happy to know they died a quick, painless death. I often leave my phone in the car - always by accident (or is it the karma gods keeping me real?). I don't know all I know is that I have to make my AAPL baseball picks and forgot my sheets. Now I will have to go home and review my sheets without the benefit of ESPN and pick blindly. Either way, my picks will lose and I will still be in Hawaii at the end. Sounds good to me. Hope you are doing well where you are and that you are you. Miss ya.

4-4-01 as tight as tight can be
This is one of those entries that I would rather get off my chest by talking to someone about in person but with that not being a real option I will neuter some of it and offer it up here. The main focus is just getting it out of my mind. I suppose I could let it all out in my journal but that is at home and I am not. I gave Jackson a taste of it in an e-mail because who knows, I may need counsel. And that is sort of the crux of things: it could be considered bad but correctable or it could be really bad and only correctable by heads rolling. Without further adieu, here is the scenario. I should have done some work in a certain way but did it in a different way. Ultimately I was always moving forward towards the goal everybody wants but perhaps others may not see it that way. I did follow what had been done before so I have that on my side but overall I feel bad for the people that are still on my old project and having to clean up my little mess. And all I can say is, "hey, i was damn busy trying" I know that all sounds real vague but I think it is best kept that way until I know how it will all unfold. Maybe I will become a jobless, homeless, beach bum that tells anecdotal stories to tourists for beer money. hey, you never know - hope springs eternal. p.s. after reading this, it is REAL vague but damn I can't get into specifics right now because i don't know if the waves are gonna swell and capsize my boat or if i will weatehr the storm and be fine. i'll let you know soon.

4-3-01 as time goes by
Hawaii is nice, very nice. Miles arrived today and the dynamics have changed a bit. Before everyone was angling to try and spend more time with me but now it's my brother they want to see. Personally, I love it. Now I can spend a little more time doing things I want and need to do while they absorb his time. Don't get me wrong though, I love hanging with my brother and Dad . . . it's just my sister that wears me out a bit too much. I think it is because she is a bit more demanding than the others. In general my family is pretty wacky but she really is an individual. I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just that she makes me feel out of place a lot. But that's just me. To each their own. I gotta run and meet my brothers for a little local-style dinner and perhaps a malted beverage or two. "but never at dusk" I don't know why I used that old Steve Martin line about when he smokes pot but it just seemed to fit. kind of like, yeah I drink blah, blah, blah, instead of yeah I smoke. I guess you had to be there. And since you are not here, I bid thee adieu.

4-2-01 your life is bigger
I know Chris has no fondness for Losing My Religion but it is a damn good song. If I wrote one song in my whole life, that would be the song. "but now I've said too much." Everything about that song is pure greatness. I can't help it if radio stations played it to death, it's a pop tune at it's zenith (or is it magnavox). It has rhythm, melody and sweet lyrics (and this time I am not sleep-deprived nor holding serious reservations about it's technical stature). It is a great song. Anyway, I am still loving the whole Hawaii scene on many levels. The food, the people, the tradewinds, the sun, the aloha of it all. It doesn't suck. My brother has a neighbor with a big ol' mango tree. You know I will tapping that bad boy before long. But before then I will be heading out buying some aloha shirts and looking for the perfect little place for dinner. I would go to Irifune's but they are closed on Mondays. I might have to go small time tonight in preparation for going large tomorrow night when Miles gets in. Next week we will be going to a neighbor island, probably the big island of Hawaii. I think we will go to the Kona side because the Hilo side is a little too slow. Well if you are reading this you had better click on the link to e-mail me so I know what you are up to. Until then, hang loose.

April Fool's Day 2001
On the Mainland (or the Continent as some now call it) you guys lost an hour this morning. Sorry about your loss. I am pretty damn happy with my move to Hawaii, especially because it has been so smooth. I left a lot of stuff undone at work and perhaps at my apartment too but over here everything is new and easy. I saw my brother, Dad and friend Carlos yesterday as well as moved in to my new, temporary pad. Even there it was like I never left. Noel and Myra (my landlords) had pupus and beers with me upon my arrival there. We watched Maryland lose to Duke (so sorry Kathryn) which was a real big bummer. I should really call Kathryn "Kate" and Catherine "Action" so that when I am talking to people they don't get confused. But I don't think Catherine is too fond of the moniker "Action", so I have to call her CJ instead. It kind of fits because CJ reminds me of Chief Justice, but it also is kind of weird because it makes me think of that movie "BJ and the Bear". Okay, this is where I change topics. I was just trying to say that being in Hawaii is easy and I really like it. Having breakfast this morning with bro' and pops was pretty cool. I liked going to the Hungry Lion for breakfast because they got the jungle animal sounds going off while you eat. I was going to have the Hawaiian bread french toast with Portugese sausage but felt impelled to get the Loco Moco instead. It's a breakfast staple here and if you don't know what it is, you gotta come get it. You gotta be pretty hungry though. My little brother got a veggie omelette which he was nodding off over - I guess he was out late last night. That works for me though because now I get to play on his computer while he naps. Later today I am going shopping for some new running shoes and then I am gonna show my co-worker around. At 3pm I have to be at Border's for an informal movie review group that Carlos heads up. He said there are usually 15-20 people that show up and some he can't stand while others are older women that just like being part of groups. There is just something about being in a brand new place that offers all sorts of possibilities and hopes. It's like getting a clean slate where you can be who you want to be. Yeah, I can hear you thinking that you can always be who you want to be and that no matter where you go, you are still you. But just give me this moment, this notion and the smile on my face. It's a good place to be. Hawaii has car accidents, crime, bad government and lots of other negative things that large American cities have. But it's Hawaii and that makes it all good, even great . . . at least today; this moment. Which reminds me, I saw the Legend of Bagger Vance on the plane ride over here. In general, it is nothing great. It is simple and plain. But (and maybe it was due to my extreme lack of sleep as I had to pack ALL night long) I sort of liked it. Sure, it was soft and superficial with absolutely no edges to cut anyone, but with that said I still sort of liked it. And the one reason I liked it (despite the fact that I am ambivalent towards Charlize Theron as an actress and disliked her light character) is because it had love triumph (even though it was in a lame sappy way). I am easy that way (when I am on a plane headed for Honolulu and what I hope to essentially be a year long vacation from the tyranny of the Man and agony of inaction). Didn't I say to at least let me have this moment?

3-30-01 starting anew
this is it, i still can't believe it. i probably won't break out of my denial until i am actually standing on Hawaiian soil. i get to come back for a few days in late April - which is nice since i have done zero packing. i have not packed one thing. i guess i don't do good-byes well because i avoid them. wednesday night was my big farewell party but i don't remember actually saying good-bye to anyone. it was more like i was saying, ahui hou or until later. you never know if or when you will run into people again so i figure i just keep optimistic until the end. there are a lot of people i have met that i would really love to run into, if for no other reason than to just see them once more. i might muster up the courage to tell them specific memories of them that will always stay with me, and perhaps even tell them how much those memories mean to me today. but when i first leave friends behind there is no real perspective. i just know life is going to be different because they won't be there very much for me to lean on them and do things with. but there is the optimism that they will actually write me or call me or even visit me when they can. i am fairly optimistic. except maybe for one person. she and i have developed a great friendship but i have a feeling things will change while i am gone. i'm thinking she'll probably get into some deep relationship and then we won't really keep in touch anymore. if that happens i will be bummed but hey what am i gonna do about it? maybe i am getting too emo as i wrtie this page and had better leave some things unsaid. besides, there is always my journal at home. that poor guy has been neglected recently. i had a real strange dream last night that i had better write about here before i forget it. i was out in a country setting and followed some people into a warehouse. in the warehouse there was some sort of brainwashing going on and people were totally controlled for their work production. they had these cement benches they stood on when a siren sounded and then overhead sprinklers turned on and sprayed some sort of light blue water on them. and then there was some other sund that went off which made them wince with pain. i think that sound went off because they had detected an intruder and they were trying to find out who it was. i sort of played along and did what everyone else was doing. but then i ended up running out of there and finding a hidden exit out of the plant. upon exiting i saw a VW van that i ran to. inside were a bunch of old school hippies who helped hide me. then it gets foggy but i think we tried to go back and get more people out and some of them got injured or killed. i also remember the sife of the guy who ran the place being some jeweled older woman. it was weird. and with that being said, everything always seems a little weird to me - especially good-byes.