so now you know

Let's wipe Afghanistan off the face of the earth
When I hear statements like that I actually chuckle inside. Then I think, "are you kidding me?!" Say I was living in exile in Cuba because I didn't agree with the current American government because they had ties with the Chinese and I really hated the Chinese and all their human rights abuses. The Cubans let me stay there because back in the day I helped Castro overthrow the ruling party and win his crusade for power. So while I was in Cuba I was trying to do all I could to disrupt the Chinese government and call attention to their poor record on human rights. Finally I get real full of myself and my ideology and power over my followers I had gathered and decide to really "wake up" the world to China and all its atrocities both at home and abroad. So I go blow a big hole in the dam of the Yangtze river (yes, I know it's not built yet that's not the point) and it partially breaks, killing ten million people. What should the Chinese government do? Send an express delivery of silkworm missles to Cuba? That way a bunch of people who don't like me or their government can pay the price for something I did. Or they could send in ground troops on a foreign soil to wage war against a country of no means, kill a lot of people who feel threatened and are defending their land then find that I am not even in that country any longer. The whole mentality of "kill 'em all and let God sort them out" is somewhat humorous the first time you read it, in the same way off color jokes are humorous when told by someone you know doesn't believe in the negativity inherent in the joke. Like when my friend Rob Perez told me the joke about "what did the Mexican kid down the street get for Christmas? my bike." That's funny to me but only because I know he's Mexican and I am Mexican and there is no malice intended by the joke. But once you believe in slogans like "if they don't want to die in the bombings they should move to another country because we're coming," that's warped. But to tell you the truth I am mostly in favor of the use of ground forces to find those responsible for the attacks on America and terminating their command and dissipating their spheres of influence. But war? How could I be for that? I believe in the work of people like Martin Luther King, Jr., Ghandi and even John Lennon. And I beleive that going to war mocks them and all they ever acheived. But what are the options? Turn the other cheek? not likely. Forgive? i wish. So we do selective military "operations" and get those who are responsible. But if we just "get" them, what do we do with them? Put them on trial and put then im jail for life? I am fully against the death penalty but if these men were to stay in prisons wouldn't that encourage their followers to kidnap random Americans traveling abroad so that they could bargain for the release of the terrorists? They gotta die. But then I feel like the guy who is all for saving every killer's life until somebody kills my brother, then the death penalty seems okay. Bad policy. I had dinner with my Dad the other night he was real tortured inside because he felt America was about to go to war. He was in the Korean War and he is really against war. He just shook his head in disbelief. I could feel that he knew things about war that I REALLY don't want to ever know. But if I was still in the Reserves I don't think I would be reluctant about getting the call up. I'd be scared (that's for damn sure) but I would feel that I was doing something for a just cause. If someone attacks us I feel we must strike back. And I think ground forces are the only way to go. All right I have babbled on for so long now it has become early Friday morning. Now it's your turn, write to me and help convince me that we shouldn't go to war. Please don't write and tell me why you think we should go to war because I am already on that wagon. I read the stuff Helen and Chris sent me links to or clips of and they didn't sway me from thinking, "ground troops, multiple countries, let's go." Oh, and I promise not to drink real coffee again! And as a p.s., I think the NFL should not have canceled their games this weekend. College stuff yeah. Baseball, I can take that. But football on Sunday?!? That could have marked the beginning of our return to normalcy. And for the person who canceled her fancy, catered party on Saturday night, you let terrorism win. We should be charging into the weekend and rejoicing in the spirit and courage of America to rebound from this tragedy, not nervously slinking into it. All right, party at my place instead. 6pm. Bring an intoxicant (which could be the beauty of your partner) and a smile. And don't be late.

solace, solitude and solidarity 9-11-01
I watched a lot of TV today, didn't go in to work, wrote in my journal and pretty much felt tired all day long. It started around 445am this morning when I awoke to my neighbors' loud radio. At first I thought maybe they always got up that early and were that loud but I had just never woke up before. Then I heard them talking to each other in fairly loud voices. I got up and walked in to the kitchen so I could be closer to their house. All I could hear was some sort of news reports and so I turned on the TV myself. I must have seen at least five minutes of footage of the Towers on fire and the Pentagon on fire before I even began to grasp what I was watching. I mean I saw it, knew what the buildings were but I had no context to put it in. Then the words Peter Jennings was saying started to gel in my brain and I at least knew what I was looking at. From then on I spent the rest of the day trying to really comprehend it and try to put it in some sort of perspective. I would say I am a very staunch opponent of the death penalty and I would try and be the last to over react to something but my thoughts were, if we get a good idea of who did it we retaliate. We go bomb some known terrorists and do some major damage, it seemed to make sense. That was pretty much my opinion all day long. As I sat there and watched the videos of the second plane hitting the Tower and then the Towers later crumbling I was completely overwhelmed. Obviously it was something more extreme than anything I had ever seen with my eyes. I knew that had to be tens of thousands killed and injured in the attacks and it was numbing. I didn't know what to think. I soaked up all I could and made a couple calls to the people I knew out there but mostly I was just in shock. Finally I had to leave my house about 1030 to meet a landlord and negotiate a lease. I figured he wouldn't show but I thought I had better be there just in case. On my way there he called me. I thought he was going to cancel it but he wanted to say he was running late. I thought, man I don't want to work but oh well. I went to the place we were going to meet for lunch and that's when I realized how aloof most people here are to the whole tragedy. I am assuming it is because a lot of people here have never been to the world trade center and have no idea of the magnitude of the destruction. Plus they don't have many ties to the East Coast so they may be able to take it all fairly calmly and without any direct personal impact. I negotiated my silly deal and felt like I was doing something really bad and disrespectful to those who had died. So afterwards I was going to donate blood. My roommate went ahead of me and he called to tell me that there was a two hour wait. I was really swimming in my thoughts and I figured I was done working for the day so I decided to take my journal and visit Gordon Biersch. I felt weird about eating with all those pictures of destruction on the TV but a beer seemed okay. I sat there for awhile watching new footage and writing in my journal until I realized I needed to get away from it for awhile. I went to the barber and of course he had the TV on. But a haircut is as refreshing to me as a long bath or a new pair of shoes may be to someone else. So I got the haircut and decided to go home and splash in the ocean. Do something fun to shake the chill of the moment. But I got home and the TV was on so there I sat. I talked on the phone to my friend Suhail who works in the White House and that was good though somber. Then I called my friend Strom in Boston and he was telling me about the theory that the fourth plane that would up in Pennsylvania was shot down by the government. I thought about what sort of repercussions that might have if it were true but then I decided to stop thinking about all the what ifs. There's too many and they are like self-torture when I am already in a vat of hot oil. I met up with Carlos and Jessica briefly and they were telling me their stories of how they found out about the news. Then I came home, roasted a chicken and watched Band of Brothers on HBO. And as for bombing randomly, I lost that harsh edge when I read the ticker on CNN about Arab and Muslim groups receiving phone threats in SF. That's not right. I wonder if I will still get to go to SF next week. It doesn't matter so much to me anymore. I just hope tomorrow is a much better day.

9-9-01, As if you didn't know
Bonds rocks! Congrats on a three home run day dude but save one for me next Thursday. I will be in the bleachers of straight away center field. Tonight I saw the Deep End as sort of a fluke. I was bored with trying to work on a Sunday so I called my bro' and he wasn't doin' nuttin either. To get in I used a free pass that I had freshly washed in my shorts today. I was sort of iffy on whether or not they were going to let me slide with that partly wadded up pass but they were cool. I suppose I could have used the twenty that I also found in the wash as a back up. Instead I used it for popcorn and a drink. And as always I tried to leave my trash behind (part of my plan to provide jobs for the youth of Hawaii) but Mando wasn't hip to that plan and picked it up. I figured I spilled enough popcorn for a serious sweeping so I at least helped keep one kid employed. As for the movie it was pretty scary. At first I thought I was going to see a movie about some teenager who crushes his Mom's sensibilities by turning out to be gay. I really didn't want to see a movie about that. Instead it was multi-dimensional and very original. I can't tell you too much about the plot but it was a good flick overall, go see it. I didn't read anything about it beforehand, I just knew it had got some good reviews and that Carlos wanted to see it. It was good. But that had a lot to do with the fact that I really wasn't expecting much. I sort of would like to see it again so that I could get a better sense of just how good it really was. I have so much work to do this week though it ain't happenin' - especially not after tonight. I was going to get at least one major thing done tonight so that I would have one less thing to sweat this coming week but I blew it off. And tonight I will try and get some writing in and a full night's rest and see what I can do tomorrow. I won't play much this week but I am looking forward to getting out at least once. I still can't believe Bonds hit three homers today. And I can't begin to tell you how sweet it would be if he hit one my way next Thursday. The whole thing is funny because just five years ago I was a big Dodgers fan. The team was sold, Lasorda left and there went my affinity for the team. Plus I had weekend season tickets to the Giants' last season in Candlestick, I had to change teams. And I am glad I did. Bigger than Bonds' home run chase is the Giants ability to make the playoffs and the World Series. If they could do that this year I may be making a return visit to SF much sooner than I thought. 18 games left and I know they can do it. I hope that Thursday afternoon game is a key one and that they take it from the Astros in style. I'll bring my glove and dreams.

football, pads and the comedy of torture
It's Sunday morning and I am finally feeling refreshed from a tough week and an even tougher weekend. For a short work week it sure seemed long. Then came Friday night. I got to cut out of work early because I had to go in to town to pick up some pictures from the architect. Naturally the architect's offices were at Restaurant Row so I was at the Row Bar for pau hana drinks before 5. I was kicking back having a few frosty-cold ones with the boys and watching the hell of my work week dissipate like surplus money on the Hill when Jessica came and told Carlos happy birthday! Well, how do you like that. I didn't know. Anyway, it became a rather festive evening from that point on. I got to go to dinner with Carlos and Jessica at Cafe Monserrat. I broke with tradition and I had a martini there. I also had the lamb chops - mmmm, and I thought about my vegetarian friend Karen. Last time we were there I got her to try an oyster. But that was before I knew she was a vegetarian. Another time, at Indigo's she freely tried some of my fish (sound familiar 'topher?). Anyway after dinner we bid our fond farewells and I headed over to Mando's place. I thought I would crash there because I knew Saturday morning we were going for a hike. But when I got there he told me he was going out to meet his friend and play some pool at Top of the Hill. I couldn't resist (especially since I need to hone my skills a bit before SF) so I decided to go along. Brad came out with us too so it was quite a decent group. It took me a little while to get on the pool table but once on I did all right. I would gloat and brag more (which is my wont) but I don't want to tip anybody in SF off that I may be coming to SF with a full can of whoop ass to be unleashed on the pool table. Oops, I think I just did. Anyway, we stayed til closing then the next thing I know it's 830 and we are supposed to be getting ready to do a hike. I could not have been less prepared. We were going up Kokohead which is probably my least favorite hike in Hawaii because it is such a brutal workout of stairs going straight up. But I decided to go on it because I felt I needed to sweat out a bit of Friday night. I got about three-quarters of the way up before mr. stomach decided to give up all the gatorade and water i had drank that morning. this gave me a pretty bad headache and when coupled with the unrelenting heat of the sun and a sore left knee I decided to sit down. I barely made it back down without falling (did I mention the steps get real steep?) so that was victory enough for me. It was a pretty lame effort on my part though. All yesterday was basically spent recovering from that hike. I got up at four this morning and scrawled in my journal how I will take this week off in preparation for SF. Plus Anne-Marie's going away party is Saturday so I will lay low until then. I hate crashing at Mando's pad because I have to keep my contacts in. But at least he has clothes that sort of fit me. But now I am going to watch some more football and plan out my week. Yes, plan! Besides volunteering for the REHAB Hospital fundraiser on Thursday night, I think I am going to hang out with Karen on Wednesday night. I also have to fit in visits to Kauai and the Big Island next week. It should be interesting. Nine days and I am on the plane. Ten days and I am in SF. Can't wait. But so much to do before then.

on the weekend's cusp, 623pm, 9/6
This week has been wearing me down. My highlight today was sneaking away from work to pick Carlos up at the airport - how sad is that!? I am really looking forward to my SF trip in 12 days. I know I won't have nearly enough time to do all the things I want to do but just being there and doing some of them will be good enough for me. I was sort of looking forward to the Anchor Brewery tour but i might not have anyone else going with me so I may bag that and do some artsy stuff during the day instead. From 6am on Wednesday, when I land, until 8am Sunday, when I leave, I am gonna have fun. I can just feel it. I could spend time sitting in Washington Square Park with a 40 and my journal, watching the pigeons circle and land, then circle and land some more and that would be good enough for me. Then slide into Gino & Carlo's and grab a game a pool before going to eat at Michaelangelo's. Mmm. Whatever I do, wherever I go it will be nice. I may even have to pay the Mechanic's Institute Library on Post Street a visit. They have a chess club that meets and plays all the time. I know that would be a pretty nerdy thing to do but I just might. Dreaming of my SF trip has me thinking about other trips I may do, like going to Boston for Thanksgiving. That could be real sweet. I love traveling. Especially when I get to return to Hawaii as home. That works out just fine. But back at home I have lots of work to do first, then I can dream more. But that SF trip is so close I can taste the fog. Maybe I'll have to try and make a special trip down to Mission Rock and see if I can see the planes take-off from Oakland. Oh, it so doesn't matter. Just to be there and away from work will be very nice. It would be nice to travel with someone to share the experience - especially during the day time when everyone else is at work, but not this time. Can't wait.

they aren't as empty as my conscious seems to be
it's almost midnight and i am wrapping up the nothingness of work that spilled over from earlier in the day. i have so much to do but so little motivation. maybe if mike wasn't my boss, maybe if i had my own quiet office, maybe if i cared - yeah, then maybe i would get some quality work done in a timely manner. maybe. i was going to work late tonight because my boss left early and i knew i would have this space to myself but then Paul called. he asked if i wanted to meet up for beers at the Ocean Club. I thought i was off the hook this week because Carlos wasn't going to be around but noooooo! Since I don't hang out with Paul that much i thought it would be pretty damn rude to say sorry, not this time. so i go and i find out that he was meeting another friend there so it wouldn't have been so bad for me to bow out. Instead i am there embibing for a good three hours. the only thing i really think about when i am there is what i might write in my journal about the scene. the older women, the younger women, the military guys, the waitresses, the whole scene. it's like a live personals ad. i don't know if i mentioned this before or not but i was thinking about writing a series of poems based loosely on personal ads. it just seems right. especially if Thom Gunn can write odes to jeffrey dahmer, i mean come on surely i can get away with a little harmless fun. by the way, the odes that appear in Gunn's collected works are really good. i remember him explaining them before he read them, it was poetry. i don't remember why derek walcott didn't like him but basically i think it was because thom was/is gay. whatever. i think t.s. eliot wrote some pretty decent stuff and he was gay. whatever. it's time for me to get home and see what i can really write. i have to meet mando for breakfast at 730 so that will be tough as well. but if you are worth it, i'll fit you into my schedule - guaranteed. that goes for you and you and you and you. see you in SF soon. ahhh, that will be such a fine time. i can't think of one thing i will do there that shant be entertaining. Tony Nik's, here i come. SF Brew Co., here I come. And "then we can head out to Mission Rock and watch the blue blue sky darken like an inhalation" You know that's Mark Eitzel but if i wrote it I would replace "darken" with "disappear" because it just makes a better visual to me. A breath doesn't darken, it disappears when inhaled. Just like the blue of a sky doesn't really darken per se but rather it disappears in the grasp of the stars as the sun yields. Anyway, that's my story and I am sticking to it. Besides whoopin' 'topher's ass in pool and seeing lots of other people i hope i get to have a cocktail with Mr. Handy when I am in the City. It wouldn't be right for me to pass through without seeing the Man. We'll see. Maybe if I hold Mo hostage he will come to her rescue. Yeah right :) Guess this broadway show tune. "it's midnight and the kitties are sleepin'"

not long enough
It's already Tuesday morning and I am at my desk thinking about all the things I wanted to do or get done this weekend which I didn't do. Too numerous to list. If there was one thing I did of note it would be that I did catch up on my rest. Saturday was a great beach day and Sunday too. Then Monday I wrote in my journal a lot and watched the ceiling fan spin until I felt like I was in Apocalypse Now. It was real hot on Monday. But then I finally joined some people at a house on the beach and they were playing games and doing all sorts of fun stuff. The truly funny thing was that I felt a million miles away. They had conversations that were about vocal arrangements and gratuitous use of some organ, and though I laughed inside about the double entendre i don't think they skipped a beat as they went on and on about such stuff. i kind of went into my own fog and started thinking about all the stuff I should have done over the weekend. i felt lame for not being a more active participant in the festivities but i had zero point of references in which to enter into their conversations. then the game was guessing Broadway tunes from little snipets on a tape. It was a straight guy's nightmare. I should have started guessing things like "the theme to Monday Night Football" or "Stairway to Heaven". I haven't felt that lost in a long time and I think it showed. I sort of eeked out of the party when my friend left because she was pretty much my only reason for being there in the first place. Oh, and it was walking distance from my house. All right, don't get me wrong, I like GOING to shows on Broadway and I fully appreciate the musical Arts, but I am never going to know who sang lead in the original London production of Cats. It just ain't gonna happen. Now ask me who started for the Minnesota Vikings at Quarterback in three of their four super bowl appearances and hey, I think I can come up with that one. And then to end my evening yesterday I hung out with Jessica and Anne-Marie. Anne is heading out to Italy in four weeks; she'll be there for a month and then move to NYC. It's a bold and daring move for someone flying solo without any true job prospect but it may be the right thing for her - at least I hope it is. She is a real feisty/dynamic person who will be missed on the Honolulu scene. In general she is entertainment. Sometimes wacky, sometimes dramatic, but always crazy (in a fun way). I can't wait for her going away party that should be extreme fun. Okay, now comes work.

the price of Paradise, 9-1-01
A new month, a new page. I have been writing two pages a month recently but I don't think that will happen this month because I am trying to do more writing outside of this page. Well, at least that's the plan. Today was a brutal day. I had ten hours of sleep last night but it only felt like four. Last night Mando and I went to see what Miles refers to as the "slamming wahine" volleyball team. They played extremely poorly in the first two games but surprisingly rebounded to take the match. A guy in front of Mando thought his cheering was "offensive" and so they exchanged some words. He was just loud and exuberant but nothing foul or even negative. That guy was just an "old bitch gone in the teeth." I think that phrase comes from an Eliot poem but I'm not sure which. Anyway, it was very applicable to that guy. I think that all happened in the break between the second and third games, so I stepped up my cheering after that and now I have no voice. Well, except for this lame squeaky voice that resembles Mary Lou Retton. Next thing you know I will have an overwhelming urge to play on some uneven parallel bars and end up really hurting myself. Speaking of which, so I spend the night at Mando's because we had deceded to play hoops today. I can't believe how quickly 10am came this morning. We got up and went straight there. It was blazing hot out there and I was dragging from the first dribble to the last. Half of the guys we played with were good and the other half were all right. So it was kind of tough to play a smooth game - lots of fouls. I don't remember the plays and playing as much as I remember that sun! Oh it was unrelenting. After just two hours of that I was crippled. I have drank three large gatorades, four cans of guava nectar and plenty of water and even had a three hour nap since then but I still feel fried. Tonight it is just a movie and then some domestic chores. Chris better be right in all his accolades about Ghost World or I am gonna hafta open a can o' whoopass when I see him in two and half weeks. I'll probably open that can anyway just on principle. Yeah, we'll be playing pool and I will try and empty the can on him and probably find out it it's only half full. I have only played pool twice since I left SF so I am a little scared about getting my ass handed to me. Chris is pretty decent (okay, he is good) so I have to bring all I got if I am going to beat him. Sure, it will be fun to see him and hang out with him and all that stuff but man, coming home with the pool crown, that will feel good. I look forward to seeing lots of people and going to Wynton Marsalis, going on the Anchor brewing tour, going to see the Giants play and all that - but beating Chris in pool is top on my list of things to do while in SF. Sorry Emo but that's just the way I am. I look forward to getting on that plane and getting over there real soon. But for now, it's Ghost World.