is it in my head?

Maples Pavillion
There was quite a crowd out tonight and I was in it. It was fun to be out but I am always conflicted when I am out. I like being part of a group because it lends a bit of confidence in a sense of belonging but I don't want to feel like I belong to the same group as the whole semi-mundane and intuitively shallow lot. Maybe because I fear that Costello is right and that death wears a big hat. But I go out anyway and I lap up that tall pilsner like a Pavlovian dog in heat and leave the big thoughts to those at home mixing boredom with a twist of whine. It's a good gig if you can get it. The loud dance steps of music and soft printed dresses jangle together in a blur of contentedness and disappointment. Until it's time to go. It's a lot of fun while it's happening but afterwards it's nothing. A perfect mix. And now I wait for some replies to my e-mail and jot different words down in my journal. A tad spicier and less jangly. "I want you. I woke up and one of us was crying. . . I want you. You can look in my eyes and count the ways. I want you. Did you mean to tell me but seemed to forget. I want you. Since when were you so generous and inarticulate." Ah, Elvis. It only gets better. IT'S TIME. (hope you read the Wasteland.) "I want you. the truth can't hurt you, it's just like the dark: it scares you witless but in time you see things clear and stark." ah the night and my journal. It should be a good showing for a Tuesday night.

Happy Birthday Mom!
It's just after one and it's a gorgeous day outside. Besides being my mom's birthday it is also King Kamehameha Day so all the State offices are closed. I just discovered the time blackhole of AIM. That whole instant messaging thing is really cool but boy it sucks up time. It's fun talking ot folks but I don't need another distraction from work. With that said, you can write me at kaiinhi if you have AOL Instant Meassaging. I wrote this girl who has a pita page that I like. I have wanted to write her for some time but I never bothered to get the AIM thing going. She stopped writing in her pita page so I was wondering what she was up to now. Anyway, to make a longer story only medium-long, I was able to exchange some IMs today and it was cool. She has a live journal thing she writes in now. In a way I sort of wish I knew less about her. In her old pita page she just a random youth writing very openly about the pings and pangs of growing up. It was very raw and truthful, without any spin to the writing. I think it is better to write thinking that no one is reading it because then you can be honest. Fully honest, like in a real journal. But once I know certain people are reading my pita then I have to write accordingly. It's funny because I wish more people would read my pita but I don't want to know who they are. that way I could write under the false pretense that the people I may be writing about are not reading it. Anyhow, if you want to read that cool pita (that no longer gets updated) go to burnsmysoul.pitas.com It seems like a lot of the pitas I read are so lame (like my last entry) and are more graphics-related than word strong. That's all for my rant today. Gotta go look for a bookcase at the thrift store.

better late than never?
Late Sunday night. This entry was written from my home in Kailua - round about the time Chris Devlin was putting together his pita on "I will not be dissed!" It's an entry written about a man who was on his deathbed; outside of downtown sf. A man who is sick and tired of staring down the barrel of his white-flegm throat. A man who is at the point of casting dispersions on his oppressor. A man who has lost faith in the healing powers of his body. Am I bugging you? Don't mean to bug ya. If you didn't know that was mainly heisted from U2's Silver and Gold on their Rattle and Hum album. BUT, 'topher did come through and post something on http://socialretard.pitas.com I went to the site expecting that same old entry and instead I found paydirt (of sorts). I wonder if he knows anyone who was involved in the flooding. Houston is pretty deep in it. All right I can't go into anything of note that I wanted to go into so I will wait for someone to call me and then I can tell them ALL about the recent happenings. And CJ I will call you soon. Same with every other friend that may be reading this on a very late sunday night. aloha.

Boy, if I read that line one more time I think I will delete the pita page that it comes from. I am kidding - sort of - because I know my homey has been under the weather as of late, but dang! All I can say is write sumpin. anything. Today I actually went to a bookstore and purchased a couple of books instead of just oggling the young female patrons. It felt good because I have been meaning to pick up Seamus Heaney's translation of Beowulf for some time now. It's some well written stuff and so perfect for someone like Heaney to handle. My bonus purchase was Robert Pinsky's new book of poems "Jersey Rain." They are a bunch of "simple" love poems. I put simple in quotations because they seem simple but they probably have a lot going on in them. I thought about buying Gunn's "Boss Cupid" book of poetry but I didn't. There are four odes to Jeffrey Dahmer that I must have but wasn't willing to throw down fifteen more bones for another book today. I didn't feel as though I deserved another book. Not until I have read and written some more on my own. However I did also buy a blank card for my Mom's birthday . . . which is on Monday. Hey, I sent the actual gift on time, I am just a bit tardy on the card. Speaking of gifts, I just found out that I should be receiving something in the mail from Kathryn - which will be nice. As a parting gift she gave brad and I a nice coffee table book about the stars. The stars are readily visible here and nice to observe on such temperate evenings as this. It's Saturday night and I don't feel like going out so I am going to try and clean and do the rightthing around the house instead. Besides, Mando just called to tell me that he has some free tickets to a record release party tomorrow for Amy Gilliam. Amy is a tall red-headed hapa woman with a great voice. She can sound soft and lilting like a song bird or heavy and full like a Hawaiian auntie. She really has it all when it comes to singing local-style music. BUT, that's not what is so exciting about tomorrow's gig. The record release party is going to have free pupus (appetizers) and beers and it's going to be held at Gordon Biersch. Yes, I have died and gone to heaven. The only down side of that is I am seriously trying to curtail my beer consumption so that I can shed a few pounds and start down the road to a healthier me. I will definitely be running the Honolulu Marathon in December so it is incumbent upon me to start getting in shape now. Mando and I are going to join a gym together so that will give me plenty of incentive to train hard (can't have the younger brother blowing me away in weight training for long) so now I need to work on the daily diet. My focus won't be on true dieting but instead just cutting out certain foods (and beverages) that I know are not good for me. Also, I just feel an overall desire to get into better shape before I get much older. Speaking of which, I was listening to a tape Mando made and it had the song "Slit Skirts" on it by Pete Townshend. I remember listening to that song and album religiously during my first semester of junior year of high school. The funny thing about it is that there is a line, "I was just thirty-four years old and I was still wandering in a haze." I remember that when I first heard that line I thought, "just?!" But now I am totally down with that. Time. Slipping away. I have right now though, and I think I will make something of it and do some more writing. Laura wrote me a letter that I should answer, I have to write something in my Mom's birthday card, I should start a letter to K before I actually receive her gift, and there is also my journal that hasn't seen any new ink in quite some time. And as for reading, I got those two new books so that I can get some inspiration from them as well as keep me from reading "i find myself..." again. Maybe if I stay away for a few more days new words will magically appear on his pita. I shouldn't kvetch so much because I would rather him spend time finishing my tape than getting his socialretard on. I will do my best socialretard impersonation tomorrow night at the Biersch. Yes Virgina, there is a God. Or is it just the synchronicity of time place and beauty of right here right now?

6-9-01 approaching noon
I had breakfast with my Dad and brother yesterday. As always, it was good to catch up with the both of them. My Dad brought up a friend of his that I would sometimes see in SF while he still lived there (now he is in the biggety biggety O). He is a real mellow guy that likes hanging out and having metaphysical/avant garde/neo nothing conversations, and they are fun if nothing else. Anyway, as we talked about him I thought about how he used to mail me copies of Poetry Flash when I lived here in Hawaii before. Then I thought about how much I would really like a copy of it now so that I could order a subscription. It's a great monthly magazine that gives lots of information on upcoming contest, reviews of lesser-known poets (but then again how many are alive and well-known?) and is just a good read all around. So wasn't it just synchronicity that when I got home he had forwarded me a copy of Poetry Flash?! On Thursday I was in Border's books looking at their Poetry section and there were a couple of books that looked worthy of buying but I didn't pull the trigger on them. Instead I stared a lot at the woman in the corner, she was real easy on the eyes. I am not normally a big fan of blondes but when they have an even young tan and a sweet, fresh smile, well I think that would qualify as attractive in anyone's book. Just sitting there reading in that minimalist wooden chair she was better poetry than anything in the books on the shelves. And if I would have thought of that line at the time I would have used it. Instead I had to hele (go) on to work. But it's the little things like that which warm me to this place. The uncanny synchronicity and bounty of beauty, always and everywhere. I am scared that one day I will begin to accept it all as a fact of life here instead of treasuring it as a perfect time in life and space. But pushing more time into writing poetry is helping me to appreciate this time and space forever and I am awful happy about it. The experiences here have been really special so far and I have only been here for two months. By the end of September I plan on having a book worth of magical memories pushed into a book. I sort of promised Chris and Miles that I would, and so far all is going well. What's interesting is that most of the subject matter of my recent writings is from times with people in the Bay Area. And only now that I have the perspective of not spending time with those people can I truly appreciate the times we had. There are three people in particluar that are the genesis of a lot of retrospection, perhaps even introspection. Hawaii, it's just a special time in a special place and if I can't write now, I never could.

Thursday, June 7, 2001, 1222pm
High tide, mid-afternoon. I can feel the tides slowly pulling me in. My contacts with friends on the Mainland have been pretty limited lately and it feels like the ties are growing weaker, which I suppose is inevitable when I don't see or talk to them much. I think I have spoken to my old roommate once since I left. Same with 'topher. I have maybe spoken to Helen twice and Catherine a couple of times too. It has been a mixture of work and timing that has kept me from communicating with them more. At my old house I couldn't get any reception on my cell phone so I had to leave home to call anybody. . . blah blah blah oh woe is me. Just meant to say that I am feeling a bit detached from the Bay Area peeps and that I should try harder to call and keep in touch.

ghosts
I forgot to mention the other thing that really struck me about yesterday. I flew Aloha Airlines over to Kauai and one of the stewardesses (flight attendants) was an old acquaintance of mine. I hadn't seen or kept in touch with her since my departure from Hawaii in '98. Let's just say that we didn't part on the best of terms. So I was extremely surprised at how nice she was on that flight. Not only did she come up to me (I honestly didn't see her) but she was very talkative and giving. I was flying with my boss and those Verizon guys, and she was cool to them too. We basically got the first class perks (a muffin, newspapers and other extra junk) without sitting up there. It was both weird and refreshing. It was refreshing because like I mentioned earlier our last meeting wasn't so pretty and this time I felt like she was over the past and really wanted to be friends. I had heard that she married recently and we talked a bit about that and lots of other stuff to catch up. It was weird though because of all the stuff that we didn't talk about. I mean, I was happy that she seemed happy with where she was at in life and she wasn't still upset about how things ended between us. Yet I felt as though I needed to measure everything I said to make sure it wouldn't lead to something touchy in the past. But hey, I will take the good and be happy with that. And if I see her in the future perhaps we can clear the air a bit more then. Even if I never see her again, it was certainly nice to see her that once. I hope it was as good for her as it was for me.

All the pictures on the wall 6-6-01
Yesterday I went to Kauai for work. I went with my boss and two Verizon reps to see what kind of sites I had chosen for them. It was productive, full of meetings with landlords, getting GPS readings and making initial negotiations for leases. But what I will remember mostabout the day is the late lunch we had. We ended up going to the Waimea Brewing Co. on a wonderfully mild sunny afternoon basking in our accomplishments for the day. One of the Verizon guys had told me that this place has the best beer he has ever tasted. That the brewer comes from Seattle and brews the beer once a month so that the beer selection depends on how long ago the brewmaster visited. So I had some pretty wide eyes going into this luncheon. So the Verizon guys order their beers and then, horror of horrors stirkes: my boss doesn't order a beer. Now the stage is set because the Verizon guys are having a beer and I wanted a beer so badly I was about ready to use my butter knife to carve a whole in the beer storage vat, wrap my lips around it and put my swallowing muscles to sleep while the beer rushed in to fill me up like blowfish. BUT how would that look? I had to sit there and watch the Verizon guys drink beers each while I pondered what was "appropriate" in a situation like this. Verizon is our client, we barely know them because the project is in its infancy, so if I drank beer and my boss didn't it would seem a little sketchy. But as we sit there I find out one guy does homebrewing from time to time and the other guy doesn't really drink wine because he likes beer so much more. It was surreal. There I was mentally quivering at the notion there were beers on the table and none of them were mine. I had two glasses of water that I soaked up like a sponge in heat, just dreaming that maybe the glasses once rubbed up against a glass that had beer and through osmosis had a molecule or two of beer still in that glass of water. It didn't help. But the thing that almost made me cry was when those guys ordered the second round. I thought to myself, "you have GOT to be kidding me! Am I in a psychological Turkish prison or an inhumane episode of Candid Camera?!" But all I did was drink my water, make lame small talk about anything non-beer related and dreamed. Needless to say, after we dropped those guys off at the airport, we went on to finish our work for the day, we made a little time for a beer before we got on the plane. By that time though it was just me and my boss in a dark bar with ESPN on the TV, talking about work and sports teams from Texas. The two Anchor Steams were nice but they were in bottles that had been around for a while so I couldn't swirl the bouquet around in my nose while I gingerly rolled the brew into my gullet. It definitely wasn't the same as the moment that could have been in Waimea. But I will be back there and perhaps I did the right thing at the time, or at least that's my comfort line and I am sticking to it.

a star in a crowded universe
the sun is down, the breeze persists. cooling everyone, everywhere, one molecule at a time. a continuous flow over a contiguous body, the ocean. and within that body my island. from which i gaze upon the stars. the same stars that everyone in my hemisphere gazes upon. the distance and placement may be different, but they are the same. and beyond that infinity. a finite pool of people gazing out at infinity, how do you like that? the finite pool has a finite number of chances to gaze upon that infinity. but in the tightness of finite inside finite there is the exclusive moment. each moment has the chance of being whole and self-contained as a moment to remember, a moment unlike any before or to follow. mostly my moments blur and get lost in the finite nature of being but right now this moment has the pleasure of being whole. it is an in-between moment that has no history or future but i accept and embrace its present. i like viewing it from all sides and dreaming of its tomorrow without mixing it with any real timeline or parameters. in the words of my crazy texan boss, "it is what it is." and whether finite or infinite, contiguous or an island; that's good enough for me. because in the next moment you and i will try and define it and it will lose its possibilities tragically fast. so in this moment, relax, smile and be yourself. you know it's never really about me.

6-3-01 Silent walls whose cracks I feel
It's high noon on a sunny and breezy day in Kailua. Being on the windwrad side of the island I get a lot of mixed days of rain and sunshine but today is pure hawaiian sun. Sundays are sometimes my favorite days of the week because sometimes all I want to do is rest and mentally recap the feats of the week. I don't think I spoke to one person on the Mainland this week, except for my Mom. I got a call from Helen but I haven't had any real break where I could relax and give her a shout out. I also need to call Action but that may have to wait also. The only reason I have some down time right now is that Kathryn is at the beach trying to get one last good burn to go home with. I am kind of burnt on the sun (no pun intended). It drains me. If I were on vacation then I guess I would be lounging and not worried about being drained. But I have some serious work to do. I need to clean my house, do laundry, review my work stuff for next week. All kinds of stuff that I have put off for over a week. Don't get me wrong, it has been an incredible week with action (not Action) happening morning noon and night. Since last night was Kathryn's last night in town we went on a dinner cruise then met up with people at Gordon Biersch. I hope she had a good time. It was a bit tough trying to keep her entertained because I really don't (or didn't) know her that well. Like if Helen or Action, or anybody came to visit that I know pretty well then I wouldn't worry too much about them not having fun or their needs not being met. Not because I don't care about them, but because I know they would tell me exactly what they are thinking and what they wanted or needed. With Kathryn I feel a bit more tenuous and unsure. Anyway, all I am saying is that it was great having her to do things with this week but I am not sure she had the best of the time. But it was a lot of fun trying. How was your week? I must say I don't get much e-mail but that may be due to the fact that I am always checking my box to see if someone has given me a shout out. So I know from hour to hour that they haven't. Okay, I really only check my e-mail twice a day if I am lucky but you get the idea. I need to write more in my journal because I just have those kinds of things to write about but that will have to wait until after Kathryn's flight hits the air. Until then I will do a bit of cleaning and then mix a batch of sangria in my new blue pitcher. It's a purdy blue acrylic pitcher with two matching glasses that I got at the Mikasa outlet in Waikele yesterday. Life in Hawaii is still real good but the next couple of weeks will be a bit different for me because of all the work I will be doing. It will be good for me though. I wonder what Mark is doing today. I wonder how Strom's newborn is doing. Is Bert bummed that I haven't kept in touch since becoming his daughter's godfather? Is Chris even alive? yes, that's a dig at his slow e-mail and pita writing proclivities. that's all for now, the oranges and red wine await. as do the thoughts dying to reach paper. Paul Weller is great.

signals calls and marches
Or something like that. It's Friday and it has been awhile since my last entry. I have been extremely busy showing Kathryn around and trying to sneak in some work here and there, although it really should have been the other way around. I should be working and then sneaking in vacation moments. Ahh, but you know me. No not the one down with OPP, that would be Erik Corkery (just kidding). I had to name someone and that's the first guy I could think of who some of you might know. The bull in the pen, all that force and potential, going nowhere. I don't know why I wrote that, it doesn't relate to Erik, just a low-flying thought that crashed into my head and came out on paper. I have a lot of those when I am tired and feel rushed. I have been up Diamond Head, out in Hanauma Bay, down the Pali Highway, over Kuliouou Ridge, in Bishop Museum, through Kailua Beach and around the North Shore in the last few days and I am burned out. I don't want to hang in the sun anymore and I don't want to see Waikiki again. I guess the first guest gets the best show because there were lots of things that I had wanted to do but didn't because they are so touristy. Now the next guest will get pointed in the right direction and told to go forth and I will meet up with them in six hours at The Top of The Hill bar and restaurant for cocktails. Well, maybe it won't be quite that bad but don't get your hopes up too high. there are still some things I haven't done that I would like to do so come soon. as for work, I gotta get tough with it because I have lagged pretty badly in the last couple of days only getting the necessities done. But the weather has cooperated so I have been sunning, hiking, dining, snorkeling, driving, walking, swimming, jogging with very little sleeping. But as soon as Kathryn is gone it will all be about sleeping. and maybe working. i have to go to Kauai on Tuesday and get some results. Strom's baby, William, is still not doing so well but he may home soon. i am just so glad this didn't happen on their first try or i am quite certain that they wouldn't be handling it nearly as well as they are. still my guitar gently weeps. yeah, I am listening to the beatles as i type this. there are still 73 minutes left in my work day and I gotta use them wisely. on a random ending note, get Bill Wither's live album. it is great. sure it's old school but that's me. oh i shouldn't have even opened this can of worms but I am getting EXTREMELY grey. at least i have my hair though. have a great weekend and include some cold stone chillin' like a lizard on a windowpane.

5-29-01 grrr, worse than a Monday
I don't want to work today. I am sunburnt, tired and wanting to go visit a neighbor island. I REALLY don't want to work. But it's a short week and plenty of time to do things at night, so perhaps I shouldn't compalin. Especially since there are plenty of people I know who have it much worse. And who knows, maybe I will get that tape today that Chris made for me. That party at Carlos' house over the weekend was a fine one. Yesterday was all about vegging in the sun and then ruing it later. Right now I am about as dark as I get. Looks like Kauai could be in my future alter this week, which is nice. Now all I have to do is find the gumption to get some work done and wait for the cable guy to get here.

Ring, ring, eight AM 5-26-01
Just finished archiving my pre-Memorial day entries for May because I didn't think I would do another entry until after the month was over. BUT then i remembered that i have to make a new entry on this page for the old page to be archived. SO here I am, hiding my previous entry. Of course I am not hiding it because I just told you about it but it is a bit harder to get to know. It mentions, Helen, Monique, Jackie, Emo, P-rez, Miles and others. It kind of gave Strom's new born baby, William Carns Thacker, the short shrift because I was focused on other things. But his newborn is still in the hospital because he was born with a cleft palate (not lip), which means he basically doesn't have a roof to his mouth and his lower jaw is a little smaller than it should be. The kid is doing all right and it is something that can be corrected by surgery and time but it is a obviously the cause of a good deal of worry. Have I ever mentioned that Chris is deadly when it comes to bowling? I can't seem to beat that ho in bowling. I have beaten him a couple of times in pool so I don't ever give that too much thought. Bowling is something else though. I think I might join a local league so I can hone my game and come back to SF and conquer. I think the only times we have played were in Sac which is my home court and still the *expletive* beats me! I have been short on competition in pool and bowling over here so I sort of miss that silly *expletive*. I guess I am sort of missing Cali this morning and all that I know. But don't get all teary-eyed for me because this is the kick-off weekend to the Summer. And man, I am gonna make this a Summer to remember. The possibilities are endless even if the Summer is not. But come October 1, I want to have a tangible product of my Summer and the Summers that have come before. No I do not mean losing my Summer 2001 virginity again, and again, and again - although that would be an interesting (ribauld) pita entry. I am trying to complete a book of poems. I don't know what the unifying theme will be but it will be genuine. I would love that as a label, "I find hermann's poetry simple and plain, but genuine" - A.O. Scott. Yeah, right! All right before it turns 830 I have got to get going on the tidying up of myself and my kick-ass, humble abode. I had real coffee this morning, have listened to Mission of Burma and am currently amping out on the Clash - uh oh, mockingbird wish me luck - Bukowski.