was it something i said?

3-27-01 Nani's b-day
Spring baby Spring. After all those wacky dreams last night, it is certainly in the air. If I could remember more than just random bits and pieces I would certainly share them with you. But because those bits are so random and disjunctive, I would have to offer too much interpretation for them to mean anything. Don't fear, there were no soldering irons, in fact, they were all pretty upbeat and happy dreams. Maybe because that's what I think Hawaii will be like this time around. It is infinitely better going to Hawaii with a job and friends waiting for me. Last time I just picked up and went. Boy, THAT was silly. After about a month I was seriously out of money and wondering if I needed to cut my losses and move back to Sacramento. The only good thing about that tragic state was that when I decided to reward myself with a beer, it REALLY tasted good. I often went to G-B in the beginning of my stay to write in my journal and meet random people. It was great. I got a lot of writing done and I met people. They weren't people that turned into friends but for that moment in time they were. We would share stories, beer and smiles. And it was good. People are always in some state of flux in Hawaii. They are either moving to Hawaii or thinking about leaving, or just visiting. It's a great place, but you probably already know that and really look forward to visiting me while I am there. Just as much as the beaches, I am looking forward to the mountains. The way they so sharply jut up and cut the skyline is nothing short of majestic. Whenever I go over the Pali Highway and see the Ko'olau range up-close I think of King Kamehameha up there fighting. He was the first King to unite the Hawaiian Islands. He came from the Big Island of Hawaii - Kohala, I think. My father's family comes from that area too but I don't think we have any blood ties to Kamehameha. BUT if we did that would make it much easier for me to lay claim to the crown and reinstate the monarchy. hey, a man can dream can't he?! This is my last entry before I archive this month because it is just too long. It's been a good month though, very good. thanks!

3-26-01 after hours
I have always had my access through work so I could only make entries while at work but that will soon change. the date is now set, I leave Saturday, March 31, for Oahu. the chances, hopes and opportunities are certainly rich there but it still feels a bit weird to be leaving such a great place, with a great roommate and great friends. Mark was giving me a lot of input to help me weigh my decision to move on because he didn't want me to be another Alex. i know you don't know Alex but he was a fixture in the Marina scene before he left for D.C. now he is traveling the world with his wife and will have been gone almost two years when he returns at the end of this year. that's incedible verging on absurd. if i went on a world tour i think i could only handle being gone three or four months at the most. my one fear about traveling would be catching some strange disease by a flying insect that howled and then never fully recovering. well, that and being lost in the jungle for so long that i have "special" names for the plants and animals i meet, and end up killing my traveling companion. wanna go see the world with me? just kidding. i am all over the map in my thoughts about moving to Hawaii but in the end, i know i am going so i had better get tough with it. i have plenty to do before i leave and can't get caught up in thinking "maybe . . . this and maybe that", i am outta here saturday - end of story. so now i have to make it work. i know for sure that i am going to get my drink on at house of Shields wednesday night. i hope everyone who goes gets a good heat going. this past friday night i had a good heat going but went home before it got out of hand. still, saturday morning sure came quickly. monique called me at 645am to confirm we were still doing breakfast before i left for Sac with my sister at 830 - boy that hurt me for the rest of the day, even though it sure was nice to get some fuel in my gullet. that night we had dinner together for my sister's birthday, complete with cake and ice cream. it was ALL good. i swear, they should put anorexics at my mom's house for a month and they will be in fine shape. as for me, i certainly could do without all the eating and drinking. but damn they were good eats. all right, that's all i can put in this blog because i have plenty more to write in my journal. but first it's off to dinner with neek. oh yeah, last night i started to come into work but then walked to the Marina for a sort of good-bye to the 'hood. and although i liked writing in my journal by the water i don't mind giving up my cushy locale for something a bit more spartan in the Islands. i think i can make an immediate impact there (on many levels). i'm sort of joking about that and sorta not. it will be a challenge that's for sure. but one that i am looking forward to. (and it's always in the back of my mind)

3-23-01 my other fear
just kidding. i didn't even get to put a very good ending on that last entry. i wanted to note that i feel myself becoming more jaded and actually trying to be less interested in the people i am interested in, in hopes that it might make relationships easier. which on the face seems unsettling at least. i like being optimisitic, i like having big hopes but getting hurt REALLY sucks. but i would have to quote my main man mister weller, "better to cry than never smile." i know i am not stating anything new or worthy of a doctorate thesis, it's just on my mind and getting to me. it really started with the whole "emotionally open" thing and then led into "hopes versus expectations" things and now it's just always in the back of my mind. with me consciously trying to be less caught up in things emotionally, i.e. with my heart on my sleeve, am i being a better person or just more cynical? and it's always in the back of my mind. this entry is short, like the last one because of time constraints and i expect the next couple ones will continue to be this way. if i ink the deal for my transfer to Hawaii today, i could be leaving for Hawaii a week from today. i can't believe it. i don't want to believe it. but i sort of look at it like the first day of school: summer was great and i loved a lot of the things i got to do and people i got to spend time with, but hey, summer's over and i have to go. i guess my other big fear has to do with t.s. eliot's "love song of j. alfred prufrock" and whether there will be time. the poem starts with a quote from Dante's the Divine Comedy and ends with a metaphorical drowning. obviously i don't have time to get into all right here and now but my main ponderence as i get ready to pick up and move on is: has there been time? is there time? will there be time? "to murder and create, And time for all the works and days of hands That lift and drop a question on your plate; Time for you and time for me. And time yet for a hundred indecisions, And for a hundred visions and revisions," i hope so.

3-22-01 my one fear
i was talking with Chris a bit last night (as we played some mighty fine pool) about all kinds of stuff. maybe because we feel the tightness of time winding down we talk more pointedly about stuff, but whatever the reason it's nice. itls not like were a bunch of small talk specialists to begin with though so it's all relative. anyway i was telling him that my biggest fear is that life isn't as romantic as i think it is and that it seems like the people who are the biggest grouches are the ones who once had the most hope. if you think big and have high hopes, then naturally you set yourself up for a bigger fall than someone who doesn't expect much from life. it's the same way in relationships: if you get all giddy and hopeful because someone you had a crush on suddenly becomes a real dating prospect, you are setting yourself up for a fall. i am not going to go into personal stories on that but i will instead offer up the other friend i spent time with last night as an example. she likes people, gets things going with them and then starts thinking out the possibilities. and maybe i shouldn't use her as an example because it's just the same as me - it's just that she seems to meet more people that she feels compatible with than i do. it's been a little bit of dry spell for me on that front but that is definitely not going to be discussed here. so let me get back to the notion that people with hope are the ones that end up getting crushed. the perfect cinematic characterization of that is "Crimes and Misdemeanors". now THAT'S a good flick, maybe my favorite of that genre. people literally get shit on and they don't recover, they simply move on. and the overbearing jerks and assholes get their way. you gotta see it even if you don't like woody allen. by the way, Miles tells me that "The Sorrow and the Pity" is now on video. you can also visit burnsmysoul.pita.com because she has problems and few ups. but i can't possibly tell you the personal high i experienced from beating Chris in pool 7 to 6 last night. i was up 4-2 when he came back and went up 6-5. he's been beating me lately so my pride couldn't take another beating at his hands. i wasn't shooting perfect but pretty decent. if he and i don't play again before i leave it will be a very nice way to go out. i gotta give him a re-match though. just like Ruiz has gotta give Holyfield one. but damn it was nice to see Ruiz come back. his face bloodied, his eyes swollen shut, it was like a real life Rocky. that was the turning point, watching Ruiz come back. it gave me the gumption to fight for some cost benefits to go along with my move to Hawaii. Mark was also real supportive on that one. he actually referred to me as Ruiz in an e-mail. i am gonna miss that bastard. as a roommate, i know i couldn't have done better. and just as an all around friend he has always been good people. i am not going to get too much into that either because even though it is a relocation in the eyes of WFI, i am not gone forever. i will catch up more later.

3-21-01 828am
yesterday was my one year anniversary for my jog - woo hoo! just kidding, it doesn't mean much to me at all. i can't believe that it has already been a year though. i am not one to stay at a job very long and this one would be no exception. i was thinking about finding something new by the end of April but with Hawaii in the wings i think i can go with it a while longer. the one problem with having Hawaii on my mind is that i can't concentrate on much else. i have absolutely no interest in all the things i should be doing to get my co-worker up to speed on this project. it will all work itself out so i am not too worried. i just have to get things ready around the house if i am leaving next week. i haven't packed up anything in my room and the place looks like it could take three weeks to get in shape. i do have a chacne to give away a bunch of clothes on thursday though because the united something or other are coming by. i love those guys. when i have too many t-shirts or just clothes in general that i know i wouldn't throw away, those guys come and cull my herd of clothing. i hope it goes to a good cause but i am just happy when the clothes are gone. it gives me room to buy more. so it looks like the drinkfest will be either thursday night or next monday. i hope a good number of people show and they all get really lit up. i love that.

the "master" plan
it's the first day of Spring but i can't say the world is exactly puddle-wonderful. i am happy but very cautiously so. the plans to relocate to Hawaii seem to be moving forward as of this morning's conversation with my boss but i want them to move forward on my terms which seems like it will be a little dicey. i am REALLY looking forward to getting to Hawaii but at what cost? i am torn; excited yet reluctant. funny, because i saw the movie "The Beach" last night on cable with Mark (who hated the flick) and some of the themes in that movie are like real life for me. and for the record it wasn't that good of a movie but it certainly had chances to be something good. time is tight so i gotta go take care of work things but i will be back soon, don't worry.

beer, breasts & anxiety II
the continuation. so after she calls her mom we start talkling a little bit about general stuff (i don't remember, i was drinking) but then we somehow get on the subject of breasts. and she tells me how she doesn't really have any. i could have died. i felt so bad for her that she was so self-conscious and self-deprecating that she would say that. anyway, i told her she had nice breasts and that she really shouldn't worry about it. you sorta had to be there at that moment to appreciate how weird i felt. i kept her phone number from when she used my phone because at the time i thought i was going to call her the next day and maybe go on a date or something with her. but i realized that wouldn't work. i will just have to leave her for the first wolf that meets her and preys on her insecurities. well, that's just how i felt at the time. she'll be fine. now that i am a bit removed from the moment i don't feel like going into the other breast story i had liked up to meet the monicker. that's what happens when i start a story and don't finish right then, i lose interest and the urgency. last night i felt the urgency though. after that movie i couldn't get to sleep so i got up and wrote a bit. it was good to get that writing out of my system so that i could truly rest. it's weird when i can't sleep because i have something burning on my mind and just have to write it out.

3-19-01 729am
where was I? i went to see the widow of st. pierre last night and it was pretty good. the movie was good but not great, but it tried to be original and thought-provoking and in many ways it was. like why the hell do you let a convicted murder go traveling alone with your wife? and what happened in France previously? if you go see the movie please tell me those answers. because i am short on time again i will have to finish the old entry later. but to tell you the truth it isn't as urgently biting on my mind as it once was because i talked to CJ about it over dessert. i had the biggest piece of german chocolate cake ever. i can't believe they would serve me such a huge portion. it filled me up just looking at that bad boy. i love german chocolate cake like nobody's business, but damn, that was obscene. i didn't eat half of it and CJ didn't really help me with it like she said she would, so there i left it. (sobs). i sort of hate it when people put in sub-text like that (laughing - lol - frowning) it takes away from the writing and the words a bit. i understand how it is hard to read sarcasm because it is more of a tonal thing that is supported by facial expressions but still, it's out of hand on a lot of pita pages that i peruse. i still like burnsmysoul. it is a guilty pleasure of sorts because it is so teenage-i-wish-it-was-real angst and love. but it is an entertaining read; especially when compared to some that are just plain flat and boring or pushing a social agenda. oh, by the way, i think mine is just right! (lol)

beer breasts & anxiety
i have been thinking about this entry for a few hours and wanted to make it a real long one but my internet access is down so i had to make other arrangements to get on line and now i have little time before i have to meet CJ for a movie on Fillmore. Thursday night i went out, Friday night i went out and all day Saturday i was out, and now i am a shell of a man. i don't feel hungover as much as i do like i am shaving a thin margin between feeling okay and about to breakdown into a nasty panic attack. those are my new hangovers and let me tell you i think i would opt for the hangover if given the choice. panic attacks are so harsh and scary. but my real choice is not to go on binges and stay healthy. i will have to address that later, when i am in or close to being in Hawaii. Miles wrote me a letter about being healthy but it is unopen as yet. he did some really good work last month for his show this month, so he may have something with the whole sobriety thing. but like i said, i will carve that entry out at another time. of all the things i did over the last few days none were so interesting as what happened last night. yeah, there was the bloody marys at noon and the downing at least twelve guinness and a couple of shots over the course of the evening. there was a game or two of pool in there, and there was the spectacle of wearing a bright green feather boa but the parts of the evening that were the most interesting came up in conversations. there was this one girl, who i will call Nicole, that was young and seemed to be a bit out of place at the Plough and Stars. there was a lot of hard drinking and general intoxication going on there and she comes up to me because she wanted t oknow where a phone was. i let her borrow mine because i wasn't sure where she could find a phone. and you know how some people approach you with almost infinite self-consciousness and you want to make them feel at ease, well that's the way she was. she was a kid. anyway she borrowed my phone to call her mom so that she would pick her and her friends up from the train when they got in to san jose. (I can't finish this now, I gotta meet CJ).

spring marches on
it was a pretty lame showing last night at the pleasanton gig. not because of me but because of my colleague who wouldn't budge. it's history now so i won't dwell on it but it was a drag not to get the approval and get continued instead. today has been a pretty mellow day with just a bunch of little stuff getting done at work and a little NCAA tournament watch in between. i am not a very good worker these days with my mind on moving to Hawaii and the hassles that will come with it. well, it's almost 415 and it is time to go visit the thirsty bear. hope there is a good turnout.

3-14-01 a d-day of sorts
tonight i have one of my biggest work-related events. i have to give a presentation to get some antennas approved in pleasanton. it is a really tough jurisdiction because a lot of residents have unwarranted fears over EMF emissions. there is a lot to learn on that subject but it's not the big scare a lot of people think it is. read the reports, leave me alone. my job is starting to grind me down a bit. i was looking forward to having them transfer me to Hawaii but now even that has its trouoble. i was going to get a nice living allowance while i was there but now they want to do it as a straight relocation. that means they move me to Hawaii and that's it. i want to go to Hawaii a lot but not forever. a year long trip over there would be perfect, not a relocation. we'll see how that works itself out but any of the information that they do give me comes real slow and in parts. its weak. that's all i got for now because i have to study up for tonight. i hope thursday night is fun, and that Cal wins on friday and that St. Patrick's Day is as crazy as crazy gets. more on that stuff later.

3-13-01 Matthew's B-day
Strom's kid turns five today - can you believe it?! he's already been married for like 25 years too, so that shows you how far behind the curve i am. hell even Bert is married and with newborn. Strom is currently working on his third - now that's some mojo! i am not gonna dwell on any of that "oh woe is me, i am not married yet" because i am thinking that are lots of good reasons why i am not married yet and so far so good on that front. anyway, i meant to write about how excited i am for my trip. there are a thousand and one things that are still up in the air but just the fact that i am going is incredible. my job is actually going to be paying me to be there! silly boys. i guess i will keep this job for awhile. it's a decent place to work. and at $8 a share, now is the time to buy in. i guarantee the price doubles in a year (that's a joke for those who don't know me and may have just happened upon this site). i do think it will rebound though because the company is built on the ability make money off of ALL the big wireless companies. like i am working for Sprint now but Verizon in Hawaii. i would hate to think of myself as a company man but getting stock options will hook you like that. but any work in Hawaii is good work - well, at least for awhile. lots of stuff t odo between now and then. i will probably call in sick on Friday (maybe out of necessity if CJ's shin dig is overwhelming) and try and do a lot of stuff around the house. i need to pack. i haven't packed a thing yet. nor do i even know what i am going to do with my place. i like how a friend has already e-mailed my roommate to throw her name in the hat for my place. she might have asked me first, i could have told her that a female roommate for Mark is not going to happen. life is a lot easier when it is just two easy-going, you do your thing and i'll do mine, and sometimes we will hang out and do stuff too, kind of guys live together. i wouldn't live with a woman unless i was married. it's work. my friend says she wouldn't marry a guy unless she lived with him first because then she can REALLY get to know what he is like. i understand her point of view but i certainly don't agree with it. when it is time to make the leap, then make the leap. if you don't know before she moves in that she is the one, i don't think seeing her friends come over and get all excited about Ally McBeal or Sex in the City is gonna endear her to you in any significant way. and sure, seeing some guy meld with a couch for six hours watching sports when there are "things to do" isn't gonna excite some woman either. just make the leap and go from there. i think i have bad ankles so i won't be making any big leaps anytime soon.

before i go
it is always such a drag to me when i compare the things i have done to the things i haven't done since i moved back to SF. i was talking with Helen over the weekend about a few things i would like to do before i leave. the more i think about it, the more i wish i could do before i leave. i want to do the Anchor tour once more, i want to see the Legion of Honor exhibit, the MoMA exhibit, visit the Stork Club with Chris and B.O.B., visit the wine country, see the SF zoo, all sorts of stuff. and if i had started a list when i first got back from Hawaii i could have easily done them but there was no rush then, now there is. and i guess that is the good thing about my trip to Hawaii, i know it is a very finite thing. so i will plan my excursions and must see and must do items ahead of time so that as soon as i get there i can start getting them done. one of my favorite things will be to have visitors. i have already started lining up some of those so at least i have that going for me. i am sure my first visitor will be an important one so i will put extra effort into making that one special. and after that i will try and make each person that visits have an experience that is tailor made for them. for the first month i will be the visitor and expect to have some people taking me around to some of the new places that have sprouted up since i moved away from there three years ago. besides family, i really look forward to hanging with Carlos. he has a lot of similar interests and disinterests, so it is always fun to hang with him. he likes culturally interesting things as well as just hanging out and imbibing whilst the sun sets on the beauty of the land. mmm, i can't wait to be back in Hawaii. especially since it is just a hit and run type of trip. the work will come fast and furious but the oversight will be nicely thin. even if it is tough work that never seems to get done, at least i will be struggling in warm, picturesque Hawaii. i will try and do what i can but in the end i know i will heading back to CA and all it's wonderful diversity and complications. blood and chocolate.

that would be something
it's sunday, March 11, and i am at work solely for the opportunity to write a bit in my pita. i just got spanked in pool by Chris but i have such a nice buzz going i am not that bummed by it. sure i am a bit bummed, but not so bad. i figure i have at least three more chances to play pool with him before i leave so i will look forward to those instead of looking back at today. because hey, today, he thrashed me. but overall the weekend was great. i went out friday night with some friends to celebrate my going away at Roy's. It's a very good restaurant that started in Hawaii and has now made its way here. drinking at the house of shields beforehand was nice and then we got right down to it at Roy's. i think i have a wide variety of friends with mixed interests but sometimes i meet a person and think - damn, i don't like hanging out with that person AT ALL. they are a void in conversations that suck the life out of me. i am so thrown off by their presence that i can't have a good time because i just know they are going to say or do something so inane and stupid that it is going to really bother me. luckily if i meet those kinds of people i just avoid them and leave them to their own social misery. BUT i have a friend who almost prides herself in making friends with people like that. it's as if she is the statue of liberty and is asking to take in the socially inept, mentally vacant, huddled masses. so is she wrong for doing that? maybe; maybe not, but i don't want to hang around them. but do i not want to hang around them so much that i wouldn't invite her out? no, not by a long shot. she is good people and just because she sometimes lets some real social black holes hang with her i am not going to cut her loose. because in the big scheme of things i REALLY like about 95% of her friends. it's just two or three that make me think that (a) i am a smug, elitist jerk who can't find good in everyone or (b) she has some guilty conscience that makes her take in the socially crippled. either way it will plague my thoughts for a while to come. and by the way one of those friends was around this weekend and it just took me out of my stride and made me think, is it (a) or (b)?! of course i think it has to be (b). watch this. oooh, a paragraph. i must be separating this for some reason or another. there are only a handful of people that make me think damn, that person is special. whether i think they are going somewhere big in life or they are just such a genuinely good person i am in awe. i won't tell you who is it or if the person is a he or she, because that's not really the point. the point is THAT is the kind of person i would like to always be around. they make me feel good because they make me realize i have a lot of personal growth left to go. and the best part is there are people i know who i can model myself after. i would quickly admit that for the most part i think i am a really good person. maybe i was told that too much as a kid or something, or maybe i just developed that notion on my own as a defense mechanism of some sort, but here i am and that's just the way i see myself. but sometimes i will meet someone and think, "damn, now THAT is a good person." they are giving, they are humble, they are sincere in pretty damn near everything they say AND they carry themselves in such a way that makes me feel like someone special. and sometinmes, just to know that those kind of people are out there in the world is enough to make me want to try harder and be a better person. and lastly. Saturday night at my brother's art opening was sort of a convergence of all those things previously mentioned. there were a couple of people i met or knew that i wish weren't there. there was someone who showed up that gave me a smile deep inside. and there was the comfort of just being there surrounded by family, friends and very good art that made that time a very memorable one. i guess it takes all kinds.

3-8-01 316pm
last night was quite a time out - much better than a Warrior's game. went to Red's Corner and met up with emo, pollio and cj. we had drinks and played some pool. my game was on enough to beat chris 8 to 6 and beat the man in the "Go Baby Go" hat two out of three. i whipped up on Guy from Boston whenever i really wanted to (like when beers were on the line) so it was fun playing with him. more fun than winning in pool (if you can believe that such a state exists) was hanging out with those people from Crosby. it was reminiscent of old times, when we first met and were working our collective asses off for the Man. that was almost three years ago and now we have moved on to new bosses (except for pollio) but still keep in touch. that's important because i am gonna need people to keep in touch while i am away. Laura said she is happy i am moving because now she will have someone to write. i am iffy on whether she will actually write more than two letters but i will keep hope alive. another good thing about writing and moving to Hawaii is that now i won't feel bad about getting letters from my Dad that i don't respond to until a month or so down the road. i am excited about the move but still very unsure about leaving friends and the City behind.

3-6-01 529pm
Let's see if I can make an entry that has all the punctuation correct. Strom will give me a gold star. All I can think about is my move. Beyond all the little things I need to do to prepare, there is the need to know what I will be doing once I am there. I don't know the scope of work I will be doing but what I am mostly concerned about is what I will actually get done on a personal level. Chris was asking me if I thought I would still be able to submit an entry for the Walt Whitman Poetry Award and I said I would. Being able to actually get that done would be a big thing for me. Just to get submit something that I am comfortable with (proud of) and getting some quality feedback on it, that would be great. Not doing it and putting it off for another year would be stupid. I know my brother has a letter he is itching to give me that discusses my potential and the ways in which i must sacrifice to make it blossom. He is gonna be sending it to me before I leave so that I can refer back to it again and again to make sure I getting in tune. I am extremely happy with (proud of) what he has done with his Art. He had talent from day one but he REALLY put his life emphasis on it and made it into what it is today. I'm not bragging or exaggerating when I say he is one of the best contemporary artists in Sacramento right now. For the under 40 crowd, he is at the top. And he did it through sacrifice; major sacrifice. So do I want to follow those lines and see where my writing can take me? I don't know. I certainly wouldn't just drop my current job, become a pauper, and write from the anguish of living on the streets and the pain of daily existence. That's too extreme. But will I focus on writing while I am in Hawaii and producing as much work as is possible while I am away? That is what I should do, but will I? It would probably be a bit easier if I were being transferred to Austin, TX or some other place that I have no ties and know absolutely no one because then all I would have is time, paper and pen. But that kind of transfer and time may never come so I have to make the most of the opportunities that I do have. I guess this has turned into my own letter to myself that I can refer back to and make sure I am staying the course. I don't expect to die and be remembered for the great antenna sites I helped build but it would be nice if a few people had favorite poems that they read long after I vanished. And maybe there are some random Keslies in the world that already make that true. I'm not re-reading this Strom, so tell me if I get the gold star.

3-5-01 638pm
it's late and i am just wrapping up my work day. having an imminent departure date will turn a good slouch into a busy bee everytime. hey boss, you know i was kidding about being a slouch, i work reeeeal hard. . . long time. anyway i still am pulling my hair out over trying to get the details of my tour of duty in Hawaii. unfortunately a little too much word of mouth has a friend hounding me to let him stay at my place while i am away. okay, he is not hounding me but i feel the pressure. mainly because he is a good guy and we have known each other since high school but i am not sure Mark would like him as a roommate. he did point out that he is gone most of the time and that i could leave my place furnished so all that is good for me. i just have to sit down and talk to my roomie about it all. it is hard to sell Mark on it when i don't what my other options are though. all this last minute stuff sucks. i just want to know my scope of work, what the company will be covering and get on the mickey-fick plane. i can't wait for that part. landing on the coral runway with all the shades of blue in the world glistening beneath the belly of the plane as it lands - ah, paradise. one year! sweet. oh yes, i will definitely miss many people. but i thought we said we wouldn't go there and get all teary eyed. i will save that for next thursday night. perhaps i will have cold water thrown on me right before the gathering that way i won't be all emotional and sad. hmm, i think it is gonna happen no matter what. i'm just all weak like that. so until then i just keep going out and seeing my peeps while i still got the time. i don't have any clean laundry to wear tomorrow, but boy will i have fun at the Buc watching Santa Clara take on Gonzaga! woo hoo, another chacne to beat Chris in pool. hopeful Mark will come out and get his beating too.

3-4-01 637pm
last entry before i head home. when i log on to my e-mail at beer.com they always have some photo of a new beer.com girl that makes me laugh. sure she is flat out gorgeous but only in that i-don't-know-her-so-she-has-no-flaws kind of way. when i was trying to track down my cell phone on the metro when i was in DC i thought about this idea for a movie. the person is travelling on a train (or bus or plane) and he dreams about what it would be like to be that person. first you'd get a little background on the kind of private hell that guy is going through, then you would travel with him through a typical day of work and errands and he would see various people that would catch his eye as either being beautiful or comfortably rich or evenly sadly poor, then you would jump into life as that other person and follow them from that point and learn more about their everyday life. some would be happy tails and some would be tragic, but hopefully they would all be interesting and meaningful. and as each daydream concludes he would be back to where he started when the daydream began. so for the movie from his perspective it only takes one day, but the other vignettes might last longer than just that day. it would be sort of like NY Stories meets Hannah and Her Sisters. or at least that would be the way i pitched it to Columbia Pictures. they would be intertwined stories, but only as a fantasy of one central character. hey, it could work. maybe i will write the screenplay in my "free" time in Hawaii. could happen. and monkeys . . .

3-4-01 later
i have barely started to clean up my office and already i am real bored with it. i guess it is not a job that i should enjoy, just one i gotta do. i have been thinking about that Clash song, death or glory, and the line about the type of people who will later joint the church. it's pretty cynical but when you look at the people who get to be president, that kind of cynicism doesn't seem so outrageous. i was talking with my brother over the weekend about the current president and how he would give him a B+ rating so far. at first i thought, no way, but since he hasn't done too much; except promote the mixing of church and state, and tax cuts, and bomb Iraq, and appoint a real conservative Cabinet - i guess that would be about a B+. it's nice he is following i guy who got a lot done but at what price we are only beginning to realize. i'm not gonna continue to rant on that because politics aren't my thing and i don't think they ever will be. oh, unless i get that sovereignty thing going again ;) i would rather write the speeches than be the beast, support the puppet rather than be the puppet. i wouldn't want the press all in my stuff. i don't think anyone comes out looking too good after that. not even peanut farmers. oh, what i really wanted to write about was exciting this whole Hawaii thing is. i couldn't think of a better place to be sent on a limited basis. i was always dreaming of being sent to europe for a year or so but htis is even better. it's easier to get back if i need to, i know a lot about what i am getting into and i know what i want to concentrate on doing while i am there. besides getting work taken care of, i can do all the cultural things i never did during the three years i lived there. i can get over to Molokai, Lanai and maybe even Ni'ihau; i can visit heiaus and understand there cultural significance; i can meet more activists who are promoting Hawaiian rights and at least understand what they are fighting for; and i can play chess with my Dad. it's good that i know going in there that my time is limited because it forces a sense of urgency on me, but let me tell you it will be hard to keep up that fire because everyone around me will be on Hawaiian time. and that's slow! it works if you are living there for a long time but it won't work for me. i am also a little wary of trying to put up towers in a land that doesn't allow billboards (and i am glad they don't!). i will have Outdoor Circle all up in my kool-aid telling me how they don't like cell towers - and the locals too. that's gonna be a tough cell, but hopefully it will just lead to better designs from the start. that's pretty wishful thinking though. as long as i fit in weekly games of chess, i think the rest will be gravy.

delta shadows
it's sunday afternoon and i feel the pressure of having to get ready for my big move. if things work out perfectly, it looks like i will be able to keep my apartment in SF while i am away and have a pretty cool place in Hawaii. that way i have somewhere to crash when i come back to visit. basically it will be like a year long vacation that is partially paid for by WFI. i think my company will be giving me a living allowance while i am in Hawaii so i could use it to maintain my place here in the City. or i could bank it and roll the dice when i return. the one good thing is that i don't have to decide right away. it sort of gives me a cushion to think about things, which is something i haven't had since my return from my DC trip. i did get to price my brother's art show and help with a couple titles (like the one at tht top of this entry). it's fun having a small part in his show. it's not like i did any of the hard or creative stuff, but i got twelve fo the paintings ready to be hung and priced pretty much every one of the pieces. i guess if nothing sells it is all my fault though. so make sure you come and buy something! the show is in sacramento at artisits contemporary gallery, 1200 K street mall (on the back side of the Hyatt, across from the Esquire theater) from 6 to 9pm, this coming Saturday, 3/10/01. there, that's your invite. it may be my last weekend in CA for awhile so i will try and rally some peeps to get out there and hang. i would actually like to go up to Tahoe on friday night then come back down the hill saturday for the show. we'll see. i just want to figure out exactly what i will be doing in HI and what i need to do to get ready and i will be much more relaxed about the whole thing. i know i have lots of little things to do but i won't have a grip on what they all are until i get going on them. lots of people to tell about my move before i go, but i am sure i won't see or tell them all. that's why it is better to look at it as just a long vacation. hell, alex is on the infinite vacation with his wife. i could never go on a real vacation in foreign countries for over six months, but it has already been fourteen months for him. you go boyeee! and lastly (before i start cleaning my office up) i just want to pledge to strom and others who may frequent this page that i am making a conscious effort to avoid typos. i know it is a disconcerting, pain the ass to read, so i am working on it. it just makes me type slower, that's all. keep reading, i'll get better.

3-2-01 237pm
just got back from cutting my hand and tearing my leather jacket while trying to measure the heights of some monopines. sounds weird but it's true. i had to get the heights of these fake pine trees that hold antennas to give a planner an idea of what the one we are proposing to build will look like. well the first site i visited was in a field towards the back of a grassy/muddy lot. so i trampled back there and was getting my measurements when i see this big ol' german shepherd running and barking at me. i didn't want to deal with that dog so i thought about hoping a fence until he got through with his barking and perhaps his owner called him back. but the fence i tried to jump had barbed wire at the top so i was trying to be careful. unfortunately, as i lifted my leg to get over the fence the fence wobbled and that's when my hand and jacket got all tore up. so then i was mad enough to turn around and face the dog. i just yelled at him to go home for awhile then his owner called him back. damn. the things i have to do for this job. i hope that planner is happy now. she mentioned something about giving me a gold star. i could think of a lot better prizes, like a tetanus shot and a new jacket! that ho. (here is my disclaimer where i tell you that i don't have any real hard feelings against her but added that last expression for color. and that i don't use such vernacular when addressing people at any time). thanks to cruz bustamante for the help on that one. now all i have to look forward to this weekend is trying to firm up my plans for when and how i am moving to Hawaii. i have lots to discuss with my roommate and lots to actually do to get my stuff out of my room. my hope is that i will be able to sublet it for 12 months and get it back when i return, but if that doesn't happen i won't be too crushed. i always wanted to get out of the Marina and this may be just the impetus i need. the only problem would be trying to find a place on my own once i return. plus i would like the stability of knowing i have a place to return to once things are done for me in Hawaii. i have to weigh Mark's needs though so it's all open to discussion. speaking of discussions, i have been talking to lots of people about my impending move and it makes me sad. last night i kept thinking about how our gathering could be the last one for awhile. it was fun though. Mark, Chris, CJ, Jeff and i had a good time playing pool and drinking $2 anchor steams. does it get much better than that? i started getting real tired real fast after 9pm though so i told everyone that CJ was tired and i was going to go home with her. he he. she found out and hit me though. dang, it was pretty hard too. besides my sleep deprivation from the past week i also had about six beers in my gullet so getting hit was well worth the cost of getting out of that bar early. Chris left before us - i think. all i know is that Mark came in pretty late and slept in the living room so he had a good time. i wish i could have rallied to stay out longer but i was spent. this weekend will be big for me. lots to do and straighten out: work, home, everything. but my main focus is how i can become King of Hawai'i Nei. hmmm.

beware the Ides of March
okay, sure, someone has already used that line, but i am sticking with it. by mid-March i should have my airline ticket in hand and be feeling pretty giddy about skipping across the ocean to Honolulu. you know what, i don't know what "honolulu" means. waikiki means swamp because that's what the area was before they drained it and made the ala wai, but i have no clue about honolulu. i called my Dad, who lives over there, and he was pretty shocked and excited about my impending move. i think it will be a very good thing (even if i don't get to reinstate the monarchy and become the next King) for me. professionally it isn't that great of an acheivement - but i can tell you right now that the project wouldn't be going anywhere if it was just those other two people going over there trying to push sites. they are haoles (not in any pejorative sense, but the true meaning: foreigners) and they are gonna stick out like sore thumbs when they talk to the kama'ainas(locals). all right i won't toot my horn too much or mercilessly flaunt the little Hawaiian i do know. but personally it could be a very good move for me. i could get a lot done over there for myself. also, a few people have mentioned how they have intuitive feelings that it will be good for me and i believe them. i haven't moved there yet but i am already trying to secure my first visitor. i am sure (well, maybe just very hopeful) that i will have lots of visitors in the 12 to 18 months i am in Hawaii. i can't believe that i was back in SF for 3 years already. i made a lot of good friends and that is the only thing that has me feeling uneasy about my move. you just have to come visit and that's all there is too it. i am just beginning to rekindle the old ties i have over there and it is fun. i have temporary residence lined up and a permanent one on the horizon, both owned by friends. that's what i LOVE about Hawaii, it is just a real small community. but when i am trying to put up "keep in touch" towers with scary antennas on them, that is what i am going to hate about Hawaii. i bet my one year project turns into three years on that basis alone. i need to start meeting more media types and get them to print a lot of the studies that have come out so the locals can get savvy to EMF and how those "keep in touch" towers are their friends. hope you saw that episode of the Simpsons. as for my friends here now, i will just have to make the most of the next two weeks and mingle my preparations for moving with outings with friends. tonight it is the Elbo room with chris, catherine and mark. pool stick wish me luck.