was it something i said?

just me having fun
lots of changes on the horizon and that's always a complex blend of excitement and dread. i think i am heading to Hawai'i nei. the more i think about it the more i like it but initially i was bummed out. i had some pretty serious plans to go to Amsterdam, Brussels, Frankfurt, Paris, Prague and places in between but that's out now. my friend julie is gonna kill me on that one. she was just telling me how her daughter was bummed that i didn't meet up with them during their layover in SF, on their way to LA. but hey, it's called work, i sort of do that most weekdays, get over it, turn the page (thanks). i also just signed a lease for my place and i was really looking forward to making this apartment a home for awhile. over the past three years that i have been in SF i have always had a precarious living situation and now i finally acheived some sort of stability. doh! i also was just beginning to get my work done in a timely manner and now that's out the window too. an even bigger doh! but hopefully i will get a party out of this, my friends will visit me and i will have the time of my life over there. i always felt that i left a lot of things unfinished when i left Hawai'i last time. now i can get my Dad squared away in his older age, deal with my sister, get down to boardshorts weight, champion sovereignty rights for my people and be crowned the next king. yeah, right. did you see A Perfect World? well i don't think kevin costner acheived his idea of a perfect world, but at least he tried. i loved that little kid in the movie - especially when he got busy with that pistol. if i make it back to the Mainland for halloween i will be sure to dress up like Casper (that was the little kid's outfit in the movie). if you haven't seen it but like Clint Eastwood, dislike (but not despise) kevin costner, go rent it. laura dern is good in that movie too but she always gets stuck in weak female roles, she deserves better. and lastly i will miss my everyday friends that i made on my most recent tour of duty in the City. damn, that REALLY sucks. we'll party before i leave and when you visit me. special props to CJ for explaining what "emotionally open" means. well, for that and a million other sentences and beers(we didn't measure out our lives with coffe spoons). but hey, i'm not t.s. eliot and this is no big goodbye entry. and there is certainly no time to get all misty-eyed, it is a big work day. it is the last of the month and i have to do some filings in richmond and Walnut Creek. and who knows, maybe while i am away the big quake will hit and send SF rental prices down. hmmm but that would mean a big wave would come and wash me off that rock in the middle of the Pacific, just like in those nightmares i had when i first moved there. aloha.

you know how the ice is
it's tuesday morning but i don't feel rested. i don't think i will ever catch up on my sleep deprivation from last weekend. overall it was worth it though. after coming from weather in the 20's it is really strange to have weather in the 60's. i am sort of pining for the bitter cold, and no gloves or scarf to protect me as that wind pierces my skull. sort of. and speaking of piercing my skull, yesterday i was saying goodbye to a coworker/friend and when i turned around there was mr. tree - slam! i guess he didn't feel like moving because he rocked my world. at first i laughed like a little kid but when the pain and dizziness set in i started crying like a baby (come on, i didn't cry!). i sure scrambled my eggs on that one. i felt loopy and nauseous for the rest of the evening; sort like if you drink too much and you are in and out of the spins. it wasn't pleasant. i am alright today but i can still feel where mr. tree got me - bam - on my left temple. this morning i saw in the paper where there are some pretty sweet fares to europe on American. i am torn as to whether i am going to do that puddle jump or not. i really, really want to because who knows when i may have the opportunity again, but it might not be in my best financial interests. i am thinking about sodding this job at the end of May and that would mean i need some cash reserves. i can't go into all the reasons why i would want to leave this job but a big one is that we are moving our offices to Oakland, and i have already done that work scene and i don't want to do it again. i also am tired of driving around all the time. i wish i could just do the hearings and that's it. but i can't. last night shannon was asking me and my other coworker what our ideal job would be and i told her speech writer for the President. well, not THIS President, but one i could at least see myself voting into office. maybe suhail will throw me a bone when he runs for some office and i can schmooze my way up :) my co-worker wanted to run his own coffee shop, breed animals and be a blacksmith. i was a little stumped on why he is doing what he is doing if that is the kind of stuff he wants to do. but he was probably wondering the same about me. shannon would like to be a housewife. she is a great person and as soon as i have a friend who is cool and kind enough i will set her up. she does her job well but it's nothing she loves. that is pretty much my whole office though. with everyone having that same mentality it makes work much easier because each one knows that the other is just trying get their work done and get out, not trying climb the corporate using another's back as a step. time to get going and climb that ladder. (it's thin where you're skating)

2-26-01 evening
Did i mention how i lost my cell phone in DC and had to track it down on the red line? i need to stop losing that phone. i am glad i got it back (after dealing with terminally slow station agents) though. if i ever quit my job, i am giving up the phone. its nice to have for convenient moments but overall i could do without it. maybe because most of my calls are work-oriented i have built up such a disdain for that bad boy. it's great to have when co-ordinating a rally point and people are running late and the place you chose to meet is closed that day of the week and other surprises. as i rode BART to work this morning i thought about how much i dread going to work. i don't want to count the ways that working for a big corporation (whether it be Sprint or WFI) makes me disenchanted with my job, let's just say it is a slow burn on my being. speaking of which (sort of) i often visit burnsmysoul.pita.com because it is so raw. not raw in an offensive kind of way, but open. sure it is a kid who doesn't know much about life yet, but that is exactly the reason i visit it. it gives me a good glimpse back on the kind of silly junk i wrote during that time period. you probably won't like the site but i do. it seems i have told a lot more people about my blog recently. not sure if that is good or bad. the only bad thing about that is i have to restrict what i say about them here, which is actually a good thing. so hey, i win by losing, and i am all abuot winning. i wish i could say that in a more facetious manner but you know the truth. did i mention my 4-1 victory saturday night at D&B's? mmm, i thought so. i am going to grab a beer and then get some more work done then get the heck out of here so i can get some real sleep tonight.

In your Dictionary
I arrived in DC Thursday at 5am EDT and arrived back in SF at 9pm PDT on Sunday, everything in between is sort of a blur. i remember the heroic efforts put forth to pick me up at BWI at such an awful hour and the test of stamina to take me back out there on a sunday afternoon, so special props go out to Kathryn and Elisa for that. the crystal clear highlights that remain are thus: the Nationial Air & Space Museum - a must see if you ever get over to DC. it's got planes all over the mickey-fick place and interesting artifacts. but let me tell you now, the moon rock ain't all that. it looks like a very small piece of laminated wood and for all i know that's what it was. the Hirshorn Gallery was excellent in its depth of modern art but not necessarily breadth. it kept me awake which became increasingly harder for museums as the days wore on. the Big Hunt was a lot of fun but chris beat me in pool. my only positive on that was that i won six straight to come back and tie him before losing the final game. the red river bar & restaurant was nice once a couple jerks left who were hogging the pool table. sadly that was my only time i spent with Suhail. bowling with Nick, Loni and Chris was great. fun, fun time but it indirectly lead to me being late to meet up with the gang on saturday night at Dave & Buster's (sorry, still). Dave & Buster's was a highlight because of the group of people more than the place. the place is a fun palace but without Elisa, Kathryn and the others it would have only been so-so. that death ride out to try and find a bowling place at the end of saturday night was (in hindsight) ridiculous. only because i had one contact, minimal sleep and a couple beverages going for me. but i probably was the best choice of anyone to drive. i tore my right contact lens friday night, so i was a virtual cyclops the rest of the time. it didn't hurt me though because i finally gave chris a run in pool at D&B's. the lowlights would be the Freer Gallery, waking up friday morning, waking up saturday morning, waking up sunday morning and waking up today! one other highlight was the snow. my apoogies still go out to the random dude i nailed in the forehead with that snowball - thanks for being a sport about it. and the biggest highlight by far had to be the wonderful glimpses into the lives of the people who let me stay at their places while i was there. both in conversation and through observation i learned a lot. thanks for opening up, it was great. i guess the best was saturday night; with the stars out, the cold, cold air and the acutely personal story about restoring homes in disrepair and then moving on once they were restored. great moment in time, i will remember that one forever. gotta work. more later.

2-19-01 evening
i just saw Malena and liked it a lot. i thought of it as Wonder Years meets Harold and Maude; sort of. at first i thought it was a bit too much like wonder years but then it got a little deeper, then a little deeper, then it had its resolution. for its ninety or so minute running time, it seemed much bigger (not longer because that might suggest boredom). in brief, it is about a boy and a woman and Italy during WWII. for those who decide to go see it try not to read anything about it beforehand because if i would have known who directed it before i saw it, it probably would have taken a little away from it. it's in Italian so that's kind of cool. the subtitles really don't take much away from the action or story because they talk mostly with their eyes and hands anyway. go see it, i am sure you'll like it. dinner at Fuzio before the movie was really good too. that polenta pound cake with strawberries a la mode was the perfect dessert. mmm. but my thoughts are mainly on malena and how i need to go home and spill some ink on the pages of my journal about the views and reactions the boy had to his surroundings. it was good. but it wasn't great (i don't want to build it up into something so big for you that you couldn't possibly like it as much as me). i have seen a lot of movies lately and i know it has been on purpose. i have been wanting a little inspiration to get me writing in my journal about things more interesting than my daily activities or the thin line between hopes and expectations (which i have been killing lately in that journal). so i hit paydirt tonight. and mark is gone so i will be in the living room listening to a medley of tunes and writing some good shit. maybe i will even finish that valentine's day poem that had such a weak beginning. it has a chance though, especially now. i am glad i have friends that will do things on a moment's notice or i would be doing everything by myself. i may not have even gone to a movie if i hadn't gotten the phone call inviting me out. it was just the little nudge of motivation i needed to get out and see a film. we almost saw 13 Days, which would have left me with a completely different feeling. i'm glad we stayed on this side of the Bay and saw Malena. all right, one last thing about Malena and then that's it: i really liked the whole concept of the kaleidescope scene and how well it was pulled off. some pretty decent filmmaking. now i will finish straightening up my office and go spill some Quills-esque ink in my journal. i am much too squeamish to use anything other than ink though. i am suppose to try and meet up with julie at the airport tomorrow as she passes through to san diego but that seems a bit unlikely. gotta keep the good ties though so i got a homebase in amsterdam. actually i finally developed the pictures of when i saw her in SD back near thanksgiving and those were some fun pictures - good times. her kid is really photogenic. i had better get outta here. i feel like renting harold and maude now, mainly because i never really saw it before (i saw it in high school with lots of extraneous interruptions - nice interruptions - but numerous interruptions all the same). with all my work and then my trip to DC this will probably be my last entry for some time. aloha.

2-19-01
it's president's day but Sprint doesn't take it as a holiday so i don't get it either. sucks, but it makes me fell a bit better about not getting mlk day off either. now that's some twisted logic. i was disappointed too that chris took off his old entry that he wrote after coming straight from the dovre - that was funny. he sounded so tired and out of it, i thought it was great, real and straight-forward, i guess he didn't. spent the weekend in sacramento and had a good time doing chores for my mom - really. i felt like i got a lot of stuff done. it was sort of mellow in general because my brother is working hard for his next show and isn't drinking right now. that's cool for him and probably good all around. i am resting up my drinking cells for when i go to d.c. on wednesday night. now that should be a wild and crazy time. tonight i will try and get all the little things done before the rush of tomorrow when i will have lots more work to do. i would also like to fit in a movie tonight but i am unsure if i could stomach watching Ratcatcher, so i may try and see The Pledge or something simple like that instead. my roommate is gone though so i wouldn't mind taking advantage of that and stay home, spread out some crap around the living room and write. i have plenty of letters i owe people, so that would be the smart thing to do - which means i won't be doing that. we'll see. i really want to see a good movie. maybe i'll see Malena. well, for now i really should work.

2-15-01 addendum
my quick gripe, could people read my pita page then send me an e-mail saying gee this was stupid or that was pretty good? and how does chris (devlin.com) get so many hits and he only writes a couple times a week, while i write almost every weekeday but hardly get any hits. the only thing is i don't want to tell more people abut my pita page because i would much rather have strangers reading my blog than have people who may be referenced in the text reading about themselves in my blog. i don't put anybody down too harshly or openly in this blog for exactly that reason. and hey, i wouldn't want to accidently stumble upon somebody's blog i know and read about me, it is sort disconcerting. except it is kind of fun if they write good stuff about me - like chris usually does. well, one of the first times he mentioned me it was because i didn't like the lead singer of j-church. and although i can't stand the guy's voice, i did understand the concept of his whiny voice giving some sort of emotional truthfulness to his excellent lyrics. but that's cool, i will just have to remember that when i play chris in pool next time. yeah. okay, so we are set right - you are gonna e-mail me and say, "hey dude liked this, didn't like that, and what's up with no punctuation and the lame-ass spelling errors?" right?!

2-15-01 lunchtime
short but sweet entry this time as i rush through my lunch hour. last night i got to go out and see Traffic with Mo and Laura, it was great. good way to spend valentine's day. i am glad i also finally got some rest last night because i was dragging badly yesterday. i probably would have enjoyed the movie more if i would have had more rest. but as it was, i thought it was a good movie. a lot of early praise for it made me put the bar a little too high for this flick but it is certainly worth seeing on the big screen. benicio del toro does a great job and i wish the movie would have just been about his storyline. the part about the US drug czar and his family problems didn't really interest me as much as the Mexican-border stuff. maybe that's because i am Mexican. thought it was funny though that the US field agents thought they were "getting the white man" finally and in reality he was a mexican dude. anyway, good flick, nice conflicts and smooth resolutions. i think it took on too much though and should have just told one storyline really well. well, that's my leonard maltin minute. thanks to my peeps for seeing that movie with me last night it was fun. late.

2-14-01 afternoon
i just got through reading chris' pita (click on Devlin.com in the left column for the link) and it was funny. he sounds tired and i am sure he was. i am tired now but it was worth it. i had fun. although losing 9-11 in pool games to chris wasn't so cool. but i played well enough to get a free cab ride home so that made it all worth it. well, that and hearing the bartender yell at chris, "so you have to pay his cab fare home?!" that was sweet. but you know what they also say,"you show me a good loser and i will show you a loser." so i am not ecstatic about losing, just okay with it. it was my first time losing this year against chris, so that's okay too. wait til next time though. and now it's valentine's day and i am not so down on it after all. i saw a woman walking down the street earlier with flowers in her arms and a box of something, and she had a great big smile on her face. how can you be down on a day that provides such glee to some. i know, i hate the Hallmark aspects too, but isn't it cool getting an unexpected valentine from a friend? and if you didn't, well, consider this my valentine to you. if you were smart enough to visit my page and see what i am up to today, i will tell you that i am just glad to know that you are dropping in on what's going on with me and i hope we share some laughs together soon. there, now you can honestly say you got an unexpected valentine today. besides pool, chris helen and i also had dinner at zachary's. mmmmmmm! the service is always sparse but the food is always great. and the beer, well it speaks for itself. it was good to see helen and catch up on the details of her trip and all the fun she had. she also got a place to sublet last night so she is absolutely set. i liked when she was telling us about this guy she met on her mexico trip. i liked the genuine excitement and palatable giddiness with which she told her tale. that's something i really like about helen, she can really get excited about a person. and sure she has gotten excited about a guy before that hasn't worked out but it doesn't deter her hopes about the next time, which is just great. i won't see her at the movies tonight but will be hanging with her friend laura instead. laura is good people too so i am sure we will have a very good time. plus i have been dying to see Traffic for quite some time now. i have done a little running lately and it has my thighs real sore. but i sort of have a general tired all over my body from staying out late last night then having to get into the office early. work is always such a buzz kill. i learned the amount of my bonus from work and think that it will be enough to cover my expenses in d.c. but not much more. it's the taxes that will kill me. i should do the smart thing and stop paying them - just kidding - sort of. i look forward to this weekend and going to see mom and siblings. i actually am excited about doing some work in her backyard. last time i planted bulbs and some of them have begun to sprout. cool. manual labor is fun only in moderation. it's like visiting a place you would never want to live. all right back to the grind. but remember, have a happy valentine's day!

2-12-01
Wow, what a weekend. i don't use the word wow much, but that's all i have in the lexicon today. the biggest thing that got resolved over the weekend was the living situation. i won't have to move and rent is going up $200 which i view as a big win. i can't believe how good it is to know we have the place legally and no weird sublet. it's a wonderful thing. now we can make it more of a home. before i just didn't care as much because i knew there was a good chance we would be moving. but now, oh, it's on! still have to actually sign the lease and work out the details on the deposit, but other than that it is a done deal. now we can change the locks and remove all signs of our former roommate/master tenant. i never trusted her and now i won't have to deal with her again - except maybe in small claims court to get our deposit back from her. i also saw two movies over the weekend. Snatch was pretty damn funny. it's nothing too serious, just an interesting comedy with intertwining story lines that make for a good time. then i saw You Can Count On Me with the only other person i know who wanted to see that movie on the big screen. that was a good movie but initially i thought it was just a decent movie. the acting was very good but i couldn't really identify with the characters and subsequently didn't care too much about what happened to them in the end. however i was super glad that nothing too dramatic happened at the ending. i was able to like the movie a lot more when i talked with my friend that i saw the movie with. she pointed out that the guy in the film wasn't so bad and he was kind of funny, and no matter what, the woman was stuck with him because he is her brother. now put in that light i thought, yeah, okay, he wasn't an evil guy and he never meant to screw up everything like he always did, it just so happened he was predisposed to acting like a twelve year old, and hey, there are plenty of people out there like that. so then, after that little character analysis bit, i warmed up greatly to the film and what it was trying to represent. so be sure to rent it with a friend when it comes out on video, it should spawn some discussion. we also talked about the genome mapping stuff and the lack of a "race" genome, and other interesting random stuff. that's why i like doing stuff with her though, she is well rounded and usually like- minded when we discuss socio-political issues. which is nice. saturday i got wasted but not in a bad way. it seems that i am turning the corner on having more nights where i drink in moderation than when i drink to excess. it's a mild milestone but a milestone nonetheless. my movie buddy said that it was because i am getting older and i couldn't really argue with her on that one. we all are and there is some point where you stop wanting to give up complete days to severe hangovers. and though i was pretty wasted saturday night, i didn't go on to another party to get completely trashed with my co-workers. i am certainly nothing near a teetotaler, but i am pacing myself much better. and finally, i can't tell you how much i detest valentine's day. i know i mentioned it before but as the day draws near i get more and more overloaded with the red hearts and the flowers everywhere. i guess for those who never do a thing for their girlfriends and wives, then it's a time that they can get bludgeoned by advertising into doing something nice for once. anyway, i hate it and it bothers me. it must be the whole Hallmark commercialization aspects that i can't stand. i am all for showing love, maybe too much so. gotta run before i loop back to talking about hope and expectations again.

2-9-01
hopes and expectations - that's what i was thinking of using as a working title for a book of poems. i like it because it pretty much encompasses what the poems would be about but it is a bit too plain. i also liked "making the light" but i am not sure about that one either. if anything, at least h & e makes a good working title for now. along those lines, i have been thinking of subjects for poems lately and with the rain holding up over the weekend i should have plenty of opportunities to write them out. last night i had opportunities and i seized those. but those were in pool. beating this dude named nelson, who spoke spanish, was probably the highlight of the evening. it was good to beat emo too though. this hasn't been his year in pool against me but i won't grind that in on him. i liked beating this girl too, but that was bittersweet because then she was gone. she had a certain glow about her that made her attractive beyond just her cute physical appearance. i could go on about her but why, she is gone. after only three beers last night i had a good buzz going. i liked that easy buzz but it also took me out of my game a bit and made me think that chris might come back and tie up our evening's one on one series. but that didn't happen. after pool i had the bright idea of going on a trek for a burrito because i didn't have dinner. i ended up getting a really spicy burrito that burned. won't do that within three hours of trying to sleep ever again. listlessness, thirstiness, bathroomness, you name it. but i woke feeling pretty good for my meeting in pleasanton today so that was cool. everything is starting to look a lot better for this weekend and the coming week. and after that, boom!, i am off to d.c. i could go see the Wizards play the Kings in hoops while i am there but i am not sure i can afford to give up a whole night to one person with having so many people to try and get together and do stuff with. if i don't hook up with everybody that's no big deal, i am just out there to have fun and see who i can. i am almost looking forward to the days as much as the evenings because emo is working on a good itinerary for us. too bad alex won't be out there, but i can't have everything. he had better get off that world trip soon. i will write more after the rainy weekend but for now i will do some clean up work and then head into the rain. 316pm

2-8-01
wow, i made things turn around a little bit today. i got my work done and feel a lot better for it. i would love to trade places with 'topher and be lounging at a movie right now, but it just isn't my turn yet. i remember when i was lounging one summer with miles and drinking sangria like it was water. and then one day the UPS truck stopped in front of the house and the man jumped out and gave me a box. in it were eight of strom's homebrews straight from georgia - now THAT was living. ahh, those were the best of times. i still may be bumped out of my apartment but there is also a chance 'topher can bump his roommate out and then i would be set. i would feel bad about bailing on Mark though. sort of.(laugh) i just need to find a new crizzo, quick. tonight i will head over to the Elbo room and play a little pool and have a $2 anchor steam (or 2) with 'topher. i have an early meeting tomorrow in pleasanton so i have to stay light. lots to do and little time. better get some more work done so i feel even better than better.

halfway to the Ides of February
shall i explain that high pitched hissing sound? it is the sound of my optimism slipping away. but let's hit the good point(s) first. i am gong to write this and then go home, so hey, that's nice. i went out and had drinks with Mo and Jackie last night and that too was nice. i didn't even have to break of a fight while i was at the Marina Lounge. drinks at gordon-biersch was great EXCEPT for the bathroom incident. this is classic. i go in the bathroom and see there is a guy at the first urinal so naturally i exclude going to the one right next to him and look at the third one. it looks a little messy so i go to the fourth (and last) one. it is a shorty but i am not gonna deal with the messy one. i'm there whizzing away and then the guy in the first urinal says, "there aren't any handicap people in the bathroom." and i say "nope" in a kind of casual but hesitant way because i wasn't sure what he was getting at. then he goes on to say why are you afraid of me? why do you have to take the urinal furthest away. i make over $100,000 a year but white people are still scared of me. i start to say hey, i am part mexican and hawaiian . . . but he sort of cuts me off and says you're like george bush, not answering the question, why are you afraid. at that point i am torn between feeling sorry for this guy and his issues of alienation and half upset because he doesn't know me but is basically saying i have something against african americans. so i just wash my hands and just wonder if i am gonna have to throw down with this drunk fool. he leaves peacefully and i behind him. but it was just so damn weird. i can't explain it. wherever you are dude, i hope you are sober and over it. i just returned to my friends and we laughed about it. they were half tempted to walk by him and act startled as they passed. Mo is african american so that would have been especially funny. okay, on to other stuff. looks like i will soon be in the market for a place to live. the landlady hasn't cashed our check and that is a sure sign she is gonna evict us instead of work out a deal to put us on the lease. so that sucks in a major way. then work is killing me. i won't go into that because i don't want this entry to be over-wrought with drama. it's just all adding up to really take the wind out of my sails and make me think about running away from it all and joining a monsatery (beer) or something. it was good to see that Devlin put a new entry on his pita page! keep writing beeeyatch, it will do you good - or at least keep me entertained for a protin of my day and that is certainly worth something . . . to me. oh and the final dramatic note is that i am not receiving my e-mails sent to me at beer.com. it's funny because i was just thinking about how much i refer to beer on this page and how someone who didn't know me would think i have a frig full of beer at work and home, with some sort of shrine containing a pristine bottle of Anchor Liberty Ale in my bedroom. but that's not the case. actually i only have hard liquor at home and since i don't drink that it just sits there. i don't really drink much beer at home, only when i am out, so no beer in the frig either. you'll have to come visit me to find out about the shrine in my bedroom though :) i could see that happening, especially if i quit my job and take a couple months off to go on a walkabout across europe. i wish. Lord, i certainly wish i could! doing the Alex thing where he is gone for two years seems extreme because i think by the time he returns he will have forgotten who he is, but something on the scale of a month or two would be fan-fucking-tastic. did you like my infix there? not a true infix but i am no linguist - as you probably gathered from my last entry. all right i will let you go so i can go and neither of us will be the wiser. and did i mention how much i despise valentine's day as being another way for the Man to advertise the sincerity out of true love? i will write my traditional valentine's poem but i ain't giving it to anyone this year. yeah, right. i always break down and give it away. or at least i am sure that i always break down. go ahead, give it to me.

2-6-01 515pm
another day, another procrastination. damn, today was baaaad though. hardly anyone was in the office and my work level is so great that it seems insurmountable so i do the wise thing and not even start it. ha! it's sad but true. got lots of little things done but none of the big things and now all i want to do is go have a beer. a nice, cold beer. i could drink any flavor right now and appreciate it for what it is. whether it be a hefeweizen or a light or an IPA or a cheap malt, i think it would hit the spot. mmm. it seems so damn enticing that i may have to run down to Dave's and see what is on special. all right i must admit there are a couple beers there i would be less appreciative of but other than those i would be set! espcially if an anchor or similar type beer were on special. oh, then it would be on! but one beer, alone, in a drafty bar at happy hour doesn't seem that appealing. even though the beer itself is. it's just not going to happen today. all that talk for naught. which looks like draught, but doesn't sound the same. what do they call those kinds of words? heteronyms? gimme a break, i don't know! maybe there is no word. to make myself feel better i tried to look it up on AskJeeves, but no go. speaking of go, i got to get gone. the silence is killing me. but i did want to mention that i started a new journal last night. it is always a personally momentus occasion whenever i start a new journal. i would have gone with Helen's red journal she got me a while back but it's too nice, so i went with the leather one suhail got me. it has lined paper in it which i usually don't like, but it is pretty tight, so that's all good. i got a nice two-page entry in there last night and i felt good. always good to get thoughts out of my head that have been banging around in there for too long. sometimes they are a bit too big and they have to come out in pieces. last night was sort of the second half of what CJ had to say the other night. it's too bad that the first part is in another journal though. and so she doesn't flip trying to remember what she said that could have been so interesting i will tell you that the main thing i have been writing about is what it means to be emotionally open. 'nuff said. time to find an emotionally open beer - if you know what i mean. late.

2-5-01
groundhog hangover of sorts. friday night was a lot of fun because i was hanging with the beautiful and talented CJ. she is always good to chat with about all sorts of random and not so random topics while tickling the liver. i suppose we don't have to bend an elbow when we get together but hey, why not? emo was supposed to be there too but something on his body hurt so he couldn't make it. i also was gonna meet Mike but he didn't call until after i got back home and there was no way i could rally after that. i don't know if anyone has been to Tony Nik's since its remodeling but it is a whole new world. it looks nice, smells nice and is open past 3pm now. i am a bit dismayed about the whole thing. i liked it better when i snuck out of work after having a liquid lunch and was rewarded by quaffing a few cold ones there before it closed. i would invariably have Oly's and the bartender would have to go to the back cooler to get a six pack after i had my first two. the people there were older (or lost tourists) and they gave it a real cozy feeling. if i ever wanted t ohide out someplace, that would have been it. now it looks like some retro lounge, which in and of itself is not bad, but it looks like it wishes it was in the Mission and attracks the same yups that go there to be cool. anyway, i think the fourth pint we had there was a bit much on an empty stomach but that was when we still had hope emo may swing by. dinner at Viva's was it's standard very good fare. the bottle of wine went down a bit slow though. afterwards we went to Spec's and let the alcohol drag away our last ounces of strength. but the night had a certain sheen about it because the topics of conversation were so good. i will remember some of cj's advice for awhile to come. can't repeat them here but it was good. saturday i went to brunch with Charlie and his kids which may have been my undoing. we took his kids to the GG bridge and back on that glorious day. but after i got home i started feeling ill. i went downhill quick after that - must have been something i ate. i was out of commission that night and all of sunday, but it was good to rest (like someone's grandma says) because i obviously needed it. i am glad i was able to come in to work today though. which i had better get back to. 350pm

2-2-01
a late lunch and a moment to relax. even though i have been working on really simple stuff today it has been exhausting. i have expense reports that go back as far as november and it is time to get pizzaid. wednesday night i went to the KFOG studios and participated in a listener survey/focus group which was fun. first there was a general written survey that we filled out over the dinner they provided. then there was a moderator asking us what we liked and didn't like about KFOG and other stations we listen to. i was surprised at how many people were Live 105 defectors. they hated the move towards Limp Bizkit type music and the addition of the Howard Stern morning show. can't blame them there. some people were split between Radio Alice, The Bone and 104.9, but all said KFOG was their number one radio station. the cross-section of people there seemed to be representative of what i thought KFOG listeners would be: late 20s to early 40s people with a pretty good range of musical interests. they were also pretty passionate with the hows and whys of their interests. everyone agreed that KFOG had the best variety of artists that they play but needed to expand the variety of songs they play by those artists. good input by all but now let's see if they listen and change stuff. special thanks to KFOG for the sweatshirt they gave us. on a different, lame ass note, i lost a file from work. what a major doh! now i have to recreate it from dust which is near impossible. my old boss would have made me feel like crap for losing it but the new boss, E, rolls with stuff like that much better. he also likes to exercise full access to liquor on thursday nights so he is often late to get in on fridays, which is also cool. a very welcomed changed from the old regime that would throw me under the bus in a heart beat if anything negative was even close to being my fault. i look forward to this weekend as a chance to catch up on domestic chores around the house and remember what a full night of sleep is like. i hope to attend stuff this weeekend where all i have to do is sit, watch and be entertained. movies, MOMA or drinking in a public place while writing in my journal would seem to be the logical choices for that. i am scheduled to meet up with Devlin and Action tonight right after work for a little imbibing and that should be great. later i may even see an old high school buddy. i haven't seen him in quite some time so catching up on his life heading up a casino should be interesting. and sunday i may work - damn. but i got that d.c. trip on the horizon and that is only looking better all the time! 155pm one last thing. since none of you know the actual people involved i will voice a gripe i have with one of my co-workers. this co-worker is unhappily married and always wants to talk to me about it. i feel sorry for her but hey, i don't want to hear about it. i am ALWAYS the first person in to work and she is usually the second and that is when i have to hear about it. i get in early because i want to play on the internet and get that out of the way so that i can work and not feel drawn to the Net until later. instead i have to listen to her frustrations about not being able to communicate with her husband . . . etcetera. she is from another country where she was married by arrangement and now that she is in america her views are a bit different on what a husband-wife relationship should be like. it is really unfortunate for her because moving to america was like biting the apple and having the whole world open up to her, but not being able to really enjoy it because she is constantly having to do things to make her husband happy. she tries hard and he is not that appreciative so she is always down about the whole relationship. now, don't you feel bummed yet also don't want to have to hear more about it? join the club!

2-1-01 953am
a new month, a new sheet. i archived my older entries and just in time! i was getting nervous reading and re-reading that older stuff. especially when i thought that someone else might be reading and re-reading it as much as me. it certainly was an entertaining start but almost too entertaining. ah but now i have a clean start. soon i will make a link to that archived stuff but first i have to learn how and i don't have the time right now. i'll edit and update this at the end of the day. (done)