I was born in a secluded village in a mountain.
Day by day, my parents ploughed the yellow dry
soil with their backs facing the sky. I have a
younger brother, 3 years younger than me. Once,
to buy a handkerchief, which all girls around me
seemed to have, I stole 50 cents from my father's
drawer.
Father knew about it right away. He made my
younger brother and me kneel against the wall,
holding a bamboo stick in his hand. "Who stole
the money?" he asked.
I was stunned, too afraid to talk. Father didn't hear
any of us admit, so he said, "Fine, if nobody wants
to admit, you two should be beaten!" He lifted up
the bamboo stick.
Suddenly, my younger brother gripped father's
hand and said," Dad, I was the one who did it!"
The long stick smacked on my brother's back
repeatedly. Father was so angry that he kept on
beating my brother until he lost his breath. After
that, he sat down on our stone bed and scolded
my brother, "You have learnt to steal from your
own house now, what other embarrassing things
will you do in the future? You should be beaten to
death! You shameless thief!"
That night, mother and I hugged my brother. His
body was full of injuries, but he didn't shed a
single tear.
In the middle of the night, out of sudden I cried out
loudly. My brother covered my mouth with his little
hand and said, " Sis, now don't cry anymore.
Everything has passed ."
I still hate myself for not having enough courage to
admit what I had done. Years gone by, but the
incident still looked like it just happened
yesterday. I will never forget my brother's
expression when he protected me. That year, my
brother was 8 years old, I was 11 years old.
When my brother was in his last year of his lower
secondary school, he was accepted into a select
upper secondary school in the city. At the same
time, I was accepted into the province's university.
That night, father squatted in the yard, smoking,
packet by packet. I could hear him say, "Both our
children have good results, very good results!"
Mother wiped off her tears and sighed," What is
the use? How can we possibly finance both of
them?"
At that time, my brother walked out to the yard. He
stood in front of father and said,"Dad, I don't want
to continue my study anymore, I have read
enough books."
Father swung his hand and slapped brother on his
face. "Why do you have a spirit so damn weak?
Even if it means I have to beg for money on the
streets, I will send you two to school until you both
finish your study!"
And then, he started to knock on every house in
the village to borrow money. I hard out my hand
gently as I could to my brother's swollen face, and
said, "A boy has to continue his study, if not, he
will not be able to leave this depth of poverty." I, on
the other hand, have decided not to further my
study in the university.
On the next day, before dawn, my brother left the
house with a few pieces of worn-out clothes and
some dried beans. He had sneaked to the side of
my bed and left a note on my pillow; "Sis, getting
into an university is not easy. I will go to find a job
and send the money to you."
I held the note while sitting on my bed, and cried
until I lost my voice. That year, my brother was 17
years old, I was 20 years old. With the money
father borrowed from the whole village, and
money my brother earned from carrying cement
on his back at construction site, I finally managed
to get to the third year of my study in the university.
One day, I was studying in my room, when my
roommate came in and told me, "There's a
villager waiting for you outside!" Why is there a
villager looking for me? I walked out, and saw my
brother from afar, His whole body was dirty,
covered by dust, cement and sand. I asked
him, "Why didn't you tell my roommate that you are
my brother?" He replied with a smile," Look at my
appearance. What will they think if they know that I
am your brother? Won't they laugh at you?" I felt
so touched, and tears filled my eyes. I swept away
the dust from my brother's body. And I said with a
lump in my throat, " I don't care of what people
say! You are my brother, no matter what your
appearance is?"
From his pocket, he took out a butterfly hair clip.
He placed it on my hair and said, "I saw all the
girls in town are wearing it, so, I thought you
should also have one." I could not hold back myself
anymore. I pulled my brother into my arms and
cried and cried. That year, my brother was 20
years old, I was 23 years old.
The first time I brought my boyfriend home, the
broken window had been repaired. And it looked
so clean inside the house. When my boyfriend
had returned home, I danced like a small girl in
front of my mother, "Mom, you don't have to spend
so much time cleaning the house!"
But she said with a smile," It was your brother who
went home early to clean the house. Didn't you
see the wound on his hand? He was injured while
replacing the window." I went into my brother's
small bedroom. Looking at his thin face, I felt like
there were hundreds of needle pricking in my
heart. I put some ointment on his wound and
bandaged it. "Does it hurt? " I asked him.
"No, it doesn't hurt. You know, when I was working
in the construction site, there were stones falling
on my feet all the time. Even that could not stop
me from working." In the middle of another
sentence, he stopped. I turned my back on him
and tears rolling down my face. That year, my
brother was 23 years old, I was 26 years old.
After I got married, I lived in the city. On many
occasions my husband invited my parents to
come and live with us, but they didn't want to. They
said, once they leave the village, they would not
know what to do. My brother also didn't agree. He
said, "Sis, you are taking care of your husband's
parents. I will take care of mom and dad."
My husband became the director of his factory.
We wanted my brother to get the job as the
manager in the department of maintenance. But
my brother rejected the offer. He insisted on
starting work as a maintenance worker.
One day, my brother was on the top of a ladder
repairing a cable when he got electrocuted and
was admitted to the hospital. My husband and I
visited him. Looking at the white gypsum around
his fractured leg, I grumbled, "Why did you reject
the offer to be a manager? A manager will not be
exposed to a danger like this. Look at you now,
with such a serious injury. Why didn't
you listen to us?"
With a serious expression on his face, he
defended on his decision, "Think of brother-in-law.
He just became the director, and I almost
uneducated. If I had become the manager, what
kind of rumors will fly around?"
My husband's eyes filled up with tears, and then I
said, "But your lack of education is because of
me!" "Why talk about the past?" My brother held
my hand. That year, he was 26 years old and I
was 29 years old.
My brother was 30 years old when he married a
farming girl from the village. At his wedding
reception, the master of ceremony asked
him, "Who is the one you respect and love the
most?"
Without thinking, he answered," My sister." He
continued by telling a story I could not even
remember.
"When I was in primary school, the school was in
different village.Everyday, my sister and I walked
for 2 hours to go school and to return home. One
day, I lost one of my pair of gloves. My sister gave
me one of hers. She only wore one glove and
continued to walk so far. When we got home, her
uncovered hand was so stiff because of the cold
weather that she could not even hold her
chopsticks. From that day on, I swore that as long
as I live, I would take care of my sister and be
good to her." Applause filled up the room. All
guests turned their attention to me.
Words were so hard to come out from my mouth,
and I said "In my whole life the one I would like to
thank the most is my brother. " And in this happy
occasion, in front of the crowd, tears rolled down
my face again. We should love, care and sacrifice
for the ones we cherish every single day of our
life. You may think what you did is just a small
deed, but to that someone, it may mean a lot.
Have a nice day everyone! May this story inspire
you in some way!
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 11:56 p.m.
Sunday, January 9, 2005
Abt the childish fellar - hes damm haolian abt his moonfish pasta restaurant memebership card den ask his gang of frens (those who go to cambodai) to go n eat on this fri. Cos of his membership. But he doesnt noe dat membership canot use on Public hols. So now i can imagine their faces when they are footing the bill. Just read the mail..
In case u r wondering whose dat, its HIM. Anyway, i didnt expect people to join his outing. Well, if u dun like sumone, u wont join their outing right? I dun understand... seriously. Are people dat fake? Well...hmm i guess so...
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 11:27 p.m.
Sunday, January 9, 2005
Just throw all the blame towards her. And its all done. Everything is her fault. Then why in the name of hell did she give birth to her? To blame her on things right? But she always deny that fact. She's not in the wrong anyway, why should she admit? She's just like a useless daughter, doing nothing but sitting in front of the computer typing away, else watching tv, else staying inside her room all day. To her, she doesnt even touch her homework. To her, wad is she doing in front of her computer all day long? While the maths genius doesnt even use the computer dat much, doesnt even stare at the com for more than 3 hrs. MIND YOU, THE MATHS GENIUS STUDY e-commerce and stuff. What the hell does he need to stare at the computer looking at cisco? I dun hate the maths genius. He's good, I know. He taught me maths. He's the most patient teacher i ever knew. BUT, she still shouldnt use him to put an example on her. Anyway, she's slow at studies, or just like wad minqi, the guy who only knew her a couple of days, yet knew abt her, and joseph, her bestie, both said dat she's wasting her brains. Is she or isnt she?
Speaking of minqi, she's wondering how is he now. To her, he's quiet. And the times spend with him was .... haa! Eggs, green vegetable reminds her of him. The silly and dumbest mistake she ever made.
Anyway, back to the topic. She has been a real brat today. Or rather, everyday. Whenever her mum ask her to help, it seems like she will die if she helps. As usual, she didnt help today. Didnt want to. She only do it when nobody is in the house. Doesnt like ppl to look at her and order her around and telling her how it should be done when she's doing housework, especially if there's an adult near her. No way she'll do it in front of her mum. Other than cleaning her room.
She cleaned her room today - whats the occasion? No occasion. Finding sum fruity air fresherner. Anyone any idea? And her mum always cant figure out how did she manage to sleep in that damm room of hers. Damm dirty and messy. She's not a neat freak anyway. Did anyone notice that she's way so much different from her family plus relatives? Well. She's just different. Is that good? Oh does that explains that she's closer to her frens than family?
Oh yes, did i mention dat she didnt bother to bother to irritate him? Yeah she didnt.
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 09:52 p.m.
Saturday, January 8, 2005
how long can i survive? riding my troubles away part 2
Very tired. Slept for only 4 hours. Went out with shihui. Said that i am lively-er, compared to the times when i m with him last time. Hmm i guess those who knew us, said the same thing. She's more feminine now. More nu ren wei.
Didnt talk a lot today tho', was very tired. Ate soba todae, and she ate ramen. Think i still prefer cold noodles. =) My christmas present from her was that bottle thingy frm bloomington. Last christmas was the worst of my life. Oni 3? - April, shi hui and my mum. Pathetic. So i havent been a good ger ar?
I am really fed up! Super fed up. I dun care if she going to beat me up or wadeva. Or slap me or wadeva. I'm going crazy. Pls visit me when i m in woodbridge one day. Nothing good eve come out of her mouth. Always so keen of spoiling frenships. Always so keen of lowering my self-esteem. When did she ever praise me b4? All along, i m so- the-black-sheep-of-the-family. What do i have? Nothing. She said i am fat - i am not. I dun haf grades for her to show off to her frens off. I dunno any dialects. I have nothing. And she's ashamed of me. Why do i exist?
I know that ppl in other countries are fighting to stay alive. But why do i exist in here? She never say i m good b4. I am just sumone bad in her eyes, a daughter whose so rude, a daughter who dun even bother to clean up her room, a daughter who dun haf good grades, a daughter who is nothing good. Thats wad she say always.
*The hurt is just too deep* I am getting sick of it. Dun wan the hurt to grow up with me, dun wan the hurt to pile more and more as i grow up...i just want it to stop. Right. Now.
I would rather DIE than stay at home and do housework and do homework. That kind of ppl has no life. And i dun stay in prison. Plus i am normal even tho i m abnormal with all those stuffs.
Was high today. Too tired. So got high in rocky. Talk talk talk non-stop. Loudspeaker. I think everyone, is jsut tolerating the noise level? Sorry jing, todae i tink i talk a lot to u? Never gif ur ears a rest? Too high le. Oh yeah, yesterday, talked very loud to meng too. High le high le. Too tired. Missed the days dat i scream with xiaoyun in the kitchen tho'.
Feel like screaming now.
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 09:39 p.m.
Friday, January 7, 2005
Okie...perharps i m reali not his cup of tea? Right, you dun nid to tell mi that i m thinking too much again. Just that, i just cant stop worrying. If i cant stop thinking and worrying now, i must have be an immortal. Which i am not.
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 11:59 p.m.
Friday, January 7, 2005
Riding my troubles away
He knows. As usual. I'm back here. Writing crap. Its crap to him, rubbish and nonsense to him. To me, well its just a brief abt wad i wrote in my diary.
I popped the question out. Finally. Asked him. Already. He didnt answer me. But i can sense. I just want a confirmation. Confirm if i am right. Or i am wrong. If i m wrong, i am too sensitive. If i m right, i'll just let it go then.
I'll just deal with the hurt myself. I guess. 2005 le. Growing up le. If i cant take care of myself, who will? Right? Have to stop depending on my guards to take care, to settle for me le. I'll just learn it then. The slow way.
I wish he'll just tell me. Dont think i'll hu si luan xiang again. After all, took a long walk just now alone b4 going home. Didnt want to go home at 1st, wanna ride ride ride. Lucky i dun haf a license. Go figure why i said that, if u are wondering.
Seriously, if i haf my ipod now, i'm alreadi outside. I dun care if there's spirits following me. Just wanna ride my troubles away. But dun haf ipod...no use...by tues i guess...i'll be out every nite..
Yup, i guess dats all for today. Overall, i had a great time of being a pervertic psycho. Enjoyed it though. Enjoyed -that- the most. Haa~! I think only april knows. Nahz, dun wanna annouce here. Haa~! April noe, i noe, can le, i tink wahidah and grace noes too. Four of us. Heez!
Realli realli like that. Of all the things, THAT. No idea why.
Perharps i m just the pervertic psycho.
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 11:19 p.m.
Friday, January 7, 2005
*happy* - not tired le haa~
I'm meetin him later~~ Haa~!
*pervertic psychotic syndrome* coming back. I tink oni April will noe wad it means. Haa~!
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 04:40 p.m.
Friday, January 7, 2005
t.i.r.e.d
Almost couldnt wake up today. Slept at 12 last nite. Was half waiting for dat ass to get back online, half entertaining dat irrtating asshole, and receiving mp3 frm mel - talking abt multi-tasking ar. Had half a mind to block dat irritating asshole, but in the end didnt. And he kept using my foto to put it on his msn display pic. Damm asshole. SOON i gonna block him. Aargh!
The person finally called to say that they going to send the ipod mini to me BUT i cant choose the colour. DAMM! Then i rather self-collect...but canot...haiz. What if i end up with pink? - ren ming ba - i dun mind the gold actuali...its nice.
Not paying attention...tired...think i didnt slp enough..4 hrs last nite...seeing leonard for 6 hrs...SIANZ. Am thinking of skipping the class later - no point going to the class - all the proj stuff are with sharon...so HOW?
Going out wif shi hui tmr..i m BROKE
Oh yes, i finish the hzgg alreadi. Everything. Hmm...like the ending tho, nan er, the eldest daughter of xiaoyanzi is so cute! And xiaoyanzi finally noe all the cheng yu by heart~
Feel like going out to eat sumthing nice today...but no money...dun tink we are meeting either. Haiz.
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 03:21 p.m.
Thursday, January 6, 2005
Where the hell is my mini ipod!
People apply later than me alreadi get it. WHERE'S MINE?! Aargh!!! A thought just came to me, wad if they say no more stock? - I think i gonna bang the wall -_-
Just got the cisco answer..now only waiting for yicheng to get the link to module 4. Damm! Shouldnt burn midnight oil last nite...if only i knew there's cisco answers..
Tomorrow's a damm long day. Wondering how am i suppose to survive...for me lah...think i going to chiong all the way, WORK.
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 01:17 p.m.
Wednesday, January 5, 2005
hugged the cow
Saw my ex as i m going thru the long shelter...other than looking straight, i duno wad else to do?
Talked to Elson the whole day ydae. Not abt tarantula this time. Abt his hazel. His gf. Yucks man. I tink april is so much prettier than her. Grace is so much prettier than her. Hazel is below average..*puke* scully all his ex all below average *evil*
Think tonite mus do cisco le...else i tink i gonna get 0 for it...haa~
Passed the card to Grace alreadi. Heh. Sorry April~!
Wanna watch meet the fockers.. though...but sat watch i tink kinda ex...wondering if shi hui watch alreadi or nt...just that hmm she dun watch english movies? right? mabbe i m wrong...if only joseph not in np..then i tink i alreadi ask him out. Aargh~!
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 12:59 p.m.
Wednesday, January 5, 2005
hugs?
Damm! I didnt get the file in the end. But anyway, these few nights haf been very lousy. Having nightmares every night, duno since when... didnt realli want to slp last nite, den sumbody came to coax me to slp, and he's lousy, i did slp in the end, and i had the nightmares continuing every min, every hour. How bad is that? And in the end, i skipped 4 hrs of lectures. Hmmm...
When's the nightmares going to stop?
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 09:55 a.m.
Tuesday, January 4, 2005
True - Ryan Cabrera
I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me
You might think I don't look
But deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
mmmm
I'm weak, it's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster
[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true
You don't know what you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move
I'm weak, it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?
[Chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true
I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true
[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 06:13 p.m.
Tuesday, January 4, 2005
mood CAN swing
Not angry with mel anymore...cos was thinking dat if i m realli that angry with him...i dun think we are frens till now...so let just say both of us didnt gif each other chance? Talked to him ydae...and the incident came back to my mind..hmm now zhen de gao bu chu shi zhen me yi hui shi...but 4get it ba, so long alreadi. I tink next time maybe meet him ba...now shouldnt be a problem, cos he's gone frm my life le. Hope that we wont quarrel again. Well, we shall see.
Met meng todae for lunch. *grinz*
Ydae was bored stiff, until belfred, april, mel came online, then not so bad after all. Didnt talk much to alvin, duno wad to talk to him abt...but he seems to get the idea..? Heez.
Woke up at 11 today, just as meng called. Was thinking to slp further, to skip the class. - When in the time of hell did i get so lazy? But in the end, hmm...becos of allowance again, got my butt off the bed and head off to school.
This friday working at 7am-1pm den school frm 2pm - 9.30pm. Shiok ar? Den sat frm 7am-3pm. I tink i sure high one.
Saw QX just now. Smiled. Wave. Hmm surprisingly that we are still hi-bye frens despite all the "..."
Hope that leonard will let us go early todae. Damm! I'm getting lazier and lazier, and i didnt even bother to do my hw at home anymore? Its either hzgg, msn or blog. Hmm....
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 12:54 p.m.
Monday, January 3, 2005
ta bu li wo le...ta hai ba shou ji guan le...
Melvin said i m princess-like, just based, just judge on that incident. But how can he judge frm there? Its so unfair! And i m not that princess like either. If i am, i wldnt haf stayed with april and gang in cambodia! He claims that he know me better after that incident. But he did not! How could he! I dun care if i noe more abt him than his rest of his frens, but how can he just judge me based on that incident! Dui wo shi zai hen bu gong ping! What kind of fren is that! Always say he's damm nice. What the fuck!
If he chose not to befriend me as a fren, so be it. Anyway, he dun even noe me! Plus, dat day i cant just dump ira and dhurrga and go and meet him! What the fuck! Just based ont hat incident?
This thing has been on my mind since yesterday, since he said me till liddat.
Went home alone ydae - did i blog abt that? Nevermind, i am bored until going crazy le. Dun wanna talk to that alvin. Where was i? Hmm didnt grumble...try my best not to grumble...din even grumble inside...quite an effort, aint it?
Told you i skipped classes today right...didnt even want to attend the lab...until 1st kor was like nagging and nagging non-stop...said that he will 'escort' me home after my class. He did, oni awhile, den he left with 2nd kor to help 4th kor settle sumthing. Then now, i am alone again...so much wanted to talk to him. But, he OFF his phone!!!!!!!
Really..i think i'll die if i dun talk. Seriously.
Okay..i m slowly rotting...decomposing..
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 07:51 p.m.
Monday, January 3, 2005
He didnt bother to reply back. Forget it. I'll be the "2nd wahidah" and april's of "i give up le"
Haa~! -> not a happy laughter...
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 05:15 p.m.
Monday, January 3, 2005
I'm chao ji wu di men! In lab now doing vb...
I tink i m quiet today?
Or izzit becos ting ask me y m i so quiet today..
Normally, i'd be sms-ing non stop..todae..quiet..hmmm dun reali feel like talking..
Feel more like piggin out, and finish my story books...tink i'll go for junk food later.
*super duper hungry*
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 04:34 p.m.
Monday, January 3, 2005
ji mo de xiao hai
Skipped classes today, if its not for the allowance, i dun tink i'll attend this lab lesson. No mood to attend classes...ji mo shi le...da ge, er ge and si ge not around...oni HE msg me everyday. I didnt bother to reply him, but he keep on msg me abt things? Nan dao he really misunderstand i m his dat one? But i dun even rmb his moon or wadeva star thing. And that day he kept on adding vinegar and salt abt meng.. *hate* it.. luckily i went offline fast enough, otherwise i tink i'll be psychoed. Should i block him on msn? Izzit becos he misunderstand me as his "...", den he tell mi so many things abt him? Or should i tell him i m not interested in his things? Or should i just politely listen to him? Maybe i should just block him on msn...
He claims dat he can feel me...dat was becos i was down. If i m not that down, he shldnt be able to right. Its getting dangerous...i tink i'll just block him when i go home.
Luckily, i duno him in real life. So lucky. Amy knows him though...mus ask amy one day.. seems like he's tryin to impress me with this "...." but the thing is i m not even impressed and i dun even like him. I can guarantee i m not the one he is looking for, bi jing in my past life, i m dead at 5 yrs old!
I'd appreciate if he dun tell mi so many things in his life....every morning sure kanna his msg...i m not interested. Fan er...the person whom i m interested doesnt msg me dat much? And said i m irritating. Haa~! If i dun like you, i wldnt even bother to msg u.
Hmm can i say that if he doesnt msg me, dat means he didnt miss me? If i msg him now...he sure say i m an irritating pest again. Which as usual. I am.
Heez!
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 01:41 p.m.
Monday, January 3, 2005
jo mo de xiao hai
Skipped classes today, if its not for the allowance, i dun tink i'll attend this lab lesson. No mood to attend classes...ji mo shi le...da ge, er ge and si ge not around...oni HE msg me everyday. I didnt bother to reply him, but he keep on msg me abt things? Nan dao he really misunderstand i m his dat one? But i dun even rmb his moon or wadeva star thing. And that day he kept on adding vinegar and salt abt meng.. *hate* it.. luckily i went offline fast enough, otherwise i tink i'll be psychoed. Should i block him on msn? Izzit becos he misunderstand me as his "...", den he tell mi so many things abt him? Or should i tell him i m not interested in his things? Or should i just politely listen to him? Maybe i should just block him on msn...
He claims dat he can feel me...dat was becos i was down. If i m not that down, he shldnt be able to right. Its getting dangerous...i tink i'll just block him when i go home.
Luckily, i duno him in real life. So lucky. Amy knows him though...mus ask amy one day.. seems like he's tryin to impress me with this "...." but the thing is i m not even impressed and i dun even like him. I can guarantee i m not the one he is looking for, bi jing in my past life, i m dead at 5 yrs old!
I'd appreciate if he dun tell mi so many things in his life....every morning sure kanna his msg...i m not interested. Fan er...the person whom i m interested doesnt msg me dat much? And said i m irritating. Haa~! If i dun like you, i wldnt even bother to msg u.
Hmm can i say that if he doesnt msg me, dat means he didnt miss me? If i msg him now...he sure say i m an irritating pest again. Which as usual. I am.
Heez!
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 01:41 p.m.
Saturday, January 1, 2005
Self worth
Quote : No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. To have self worth is to have moved beyond the belief that valuing ourselves is egotistical. It is a recognition that we are unqiue and lovable, just as we are. Only when we have cometo this point an we really begin to manifest oursevles in the world and take a full part in a relationship.
Explanation : You are a worth great deal, but you just dont seem to see that right now. Others, however, probably do, and will be drawn to exploit your good nature with ease.
You may see this exploition as you giving love. But ask yourself whether its not more of a matter of needing to feel needed or to be worthy through someone else's eyes? A lack of self-worth tends to produce kindness or niceness to everybody except oneself.
It may be your self-esteem is so low, you rarely put yourself in a position to even have a relationship. And if you do, you're so grateful for someone choosing to be with you, that your real self-expression goes out of the window for fear of driving the person away.
It may help to look back at your childhood and question where you recieved the message that you are not good enough - perharps not loveabl. And then consider if you want to go on believing that. As long as you believe it and continue to put yourself down, others will, too. The world, in its cool, impassive fashion, will provide endless ways to prove you right.
Will type the rest next time. Eyes too itchy.
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 11:05 p.m.
Saturday, January 1, 2005
Damm damm damm angry. Dun1 2 tolerate le. Swallow alot le. Damm damm damm angry. Damm damm damm angry. VEXED. I'll continue to think, to talk to myself. Hmpf!
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 10:40 p.m.
Saturday, January 1, 2005
Just read her blog. She doesnt haf a tagboard though. Doesnt haf links either. Hmm... one of her entries describes of how i feel abt meng now too. Lost. Confuse. Scared.
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 10:14 p.m.
Saturday, January 1, 2005
Confuse
Really confused. Will anyone believe me? Will anyone believe me dat i m juggling things now? Myself? Again. Alone. Again.
Who would want or willing to share this responsibility? Nobody. If its an easy task and doesnt kill you, would you? I bet u wont. Who would be so dumb to held my hand and walk thru the road wif me?
Suddenly i understand what does 1st bro meant by all along...i noe wads the lesson awaiting before me... a tough one...can i survive?
I am trying my best not to think? To control? I duno how long i can take it. Oni knew that i'll explode one day. Again. I dun like it when i explode. Will bite myself again. It has alreadi grown a part in me. Will he accept that? I duno how to part with it. I duno how to not to think abt it. I realli duno how...its has accompanied me thru the times of loneliness, the times when i fought with it...if i dun haf the gifts...its not junni anymore. It will be somebody else alreadi? And i wont be that special anymore right? I'll be sumbody normal, normal like everyone.. i will lose my frens..frens frm the other world, no longer can i hear them? No longer can they comfort me when nobody will?
I dun haf anyone to talk to. I dont have any humans frens to understand how i feel? Suddenly, remembered mark's mum words - "they are scared of you, your frens are scared of u..."
In other words, am i reali dat lonely? Perharps deep dwn in my heart... i try to console myself dat i haf frens? Many frens?
Been hiding everything wif a smile on my face...how long can i go...? The lesson is all abt self-worth...how long will it take? Until i learnt it? Everytime haf to go thru these things... like wad ppl who read my palm b4...hope there will be at least 1 human to pull me up again...
Ppl seems to be bz nowadays? Grumble alot today..to jing...to shi hui...i tink i m being an irritating pest? And even if i say here, wads the use? Who will understand?
Wondering if ppl who haf gifts are also lonely like me? And why of all, i m chosen? Becos my wish too strong? But there are others who wished my wish too...where are they?
Why am i the chosen one? Can i survive by the gifts which is piling me up everytime? Can i?
2nd thing, i am confuse abt my relationship. I duno when is serious, when is talking nonsense...i m going further down soon...dropping deeper and deeper into the well...HOW?
3rd thing, wads the 3rd thing? I tink i lose it le. Lose count.
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 09:17 p.m.
Friday, December 31, 2004
Actually haf the mood to blog. But now dun haf le. Vexed. Having mood swing. Pms. One thing i cant deny nu ren du shi kou shi xin fei de.
Just that this time i didnt grumble much? Didnt lose my temper at him? Just that i m in no position to?
Well...just pms. Will update u tmr if i m not moody abt today. Ciao. Vexed.
The shower gel selling at Topshop will suit him just fine, PERFECT
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 10:57 p.m.
Thursday, December 30, 2004
-disappointed today-
Oni ate porridge and drank hot milo for dinner today - didnt noe wad to eat. And now i m hungry - finished the bun frm uncle kopi, half of the dragonfruit and a squarish pineapple tart frm the Japanese neighbour. Now i'm not hungry..i m more like zui ba yang...but then no milk..else i'll be munching up the oreos.
Disappointed today. Duno who too bz, no time to meet me. Went home myself after night class, dragging the heavy bag home. Regretted dumping the networking and the 2744 book inside my bag, esp the networking one, damm heavy, and idoit francis didnt use. Was half asleep in his class. As usual. Hmm...manage to understand a little in 2744 class today - computer operating system. Was doin Unix. Hmm..was pretty interested in these things when i was in sec2. Now..hmm...not so enthu anymore.
Cried last night. Cos of him. Hurt. And then later he called. I smiled again. Hmm dun realli "like" to talk to him, cos...hmm..duno why..he seems to be able to make me smile / laugh again? And he seems to be very proud of the fact dat he can easily make me laugh. Hmm...
Seriously. Doesnt hope much for now. Even tho' the medium thingy - i tink when i m abt 30 den start ba..dats the latest age i guess. But hmmm if a ger like me, everything is just like me excpet that she doesnt haf any paranormal gifts, comes along, i tink he'll choose her. Hmm...pretty low-esteem ar? Well..doesnt dare to hope for much.
It rained the whole day whole night today...cold..working tmr morning wif A.Jen. Wondering whose working in the morning wif me at the bar tho'..
Think i'll go catch up on the hzgg 3 part 2 novel. Till then. Ciao~
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 10:14 p.m.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
upset...
Suddenly...i dun haf any mood to talk to ppl anymore? Hmm...right i did get warnings frm 1st kor...as usual, i didnt heed the warning. I mean it has always been liddat right? When's the time i listen to warnings? Sumhow i tink i hurt him? Hmm..but i reali cant guarantee him dat i'll stop chasing all these stuffs...its my identity?
Hmmm i wonder if anyone feel lost b4? I wonder if anyone feel so different frm humans before? Perharps nobody. Even if there is, i doubt u'll tell me. After all, ppl who knows alot, keep quiet abt it right?
Tell mi how special i am? How abt it? My brothers always remind me of that since a kid..but they never tell mi why..its like all of them been keeping a big secret frm me.. WHY?
What will i choose? Him or my identity? I really do not noe. Can i be greedy? Can i choose both? If i knew the whole story...i dun think i will be in pursuit again..
I did give him my word...but deep in my heart i cant do it? I tink apologising is not the word for it? But besides dat, i reali duno wad to do...
1st time in dilemma?
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 09:31 p.m.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Ate laksa today...then meng also eat laksa today...coincidental?
Went to eat dinner with him just now. Ate 14 kaya balls, 5 cheese balls, satay beehoon, his noodle, peanut porridge * ice kachang. Glutton? Heez.
BUT, i tink i m still hungry...later going to dig for more food.
Just finish hzgg novel 1, jusr proceeding to novel 2...haf a mindset that it wont be as jing cai as part 1 and 2? Hmmm...
Was being approach today to join the dragon boat thingy? Tough training - ERK! Not game for it. Anyway, i m NOT FREE. Then bel was there to "entertain" him? Heez.
Was telling bel that i haf been lucky? Cos we were in South Canteen for the past few days and we nvr met him? And just as my words are out of my mouth, in came dat fellar with a stupid look on his face like as if he very popular...*PUKE* den i decided i m not dat 'lucky' anymore?
But nevermind abt that, i am blessed.
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 08:32 p.m.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Hmm...miss him but didnt msg him todae? Haa~ refrain...
Talked to mel and EternaSky ydae. Mel and me were just like old days ydae. Hmm he said i sounds alot more cheerful? Heez. I am. Heez. Then he told me abt clowns? Heez. Another secret. And EternaSky..didnt expect him to tell me things...I'm not that 38 for secrets-based. If its gossip, yeah, i admit, i'm game for it. Otherwise, ppl in rocky wont call me gossip queen right? Lol!
Saw mel's photo ydae, den saw sek heng, guo xiong, weiliang, mingkai..who else ar...hmm but i dun tink they'll remember me, after all, i m not that popular. Hmm..mel's so un-mel? Well, hes changed. But its a good thing? Just like Gerald. Both of them regret. Haa~!
Having gastric now...very pain...
Teeth was chattering away today in the morning at school..very cold...but i tink i'll wear jeans tmr..if i get the demin jacket..perharps i'll wear the black max & co, else i tink i'll wear the red max & co instead. Its so cold!
Hmm...from todae onwards...i'll be taking bus..no more mrt for me unless i work..so take notice yeah? no more meet ups at the platform =)
Feel like drinking campbell soup now...HUNGRY..but having gastric.... PAIN
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 12:55 p.m.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Serial Experiments Lain - Duvet
And you don't seem to understand
A shame you seemed an honest man
And all the fears you hold so dear
Will turn to whisper in your ear
And you know what they say might hurt you
And you know that it means so much
And you don't even feel a thing
I am falling, I am fading
I have lost it all
And you don't seem the lying kind
A shame then I can read your mind
And all the things that I read there
Candle lit smile that we both share
and you know I don't mean to hurt you
But you know that it means so much
And you don't even feel a thing
I am falling, I am fading, I am drowning
Help me to breathe
I am hurting, I have lost it all
I am losing
Help me to breathe
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 11:44 p.m.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Saw Gerald just now. The one from yishun town. I mean i wldnt haf such a reaction if its the one frm nyp right? *evil* Anyway, Gerald is much more taller than me now. He was scrawny back then. I thought who was smiling at me at 1st. Then half way figuring..Oooohh! Yup, he does look different. Heh. Mever expect him to come to nyp though...cos nyp oni haf mac? Whereas sp has more fast food restaurant...yup..i still remember our conversation back then in irc? Haa~ But still i cant figure out when i knew M, if i were in his icq list. Hmm...*mystery*
Wanted to skip this class actually...but hmm...haf to get allowance? Else i cant go to work, cant go out with shi hui le..else stay at home also very sianz. Wanted to cycle since ydae, but damm that rain!
Was wondering how did i miss the chance of working ydae...
Jing : is the book nice? did u haf time to read? U still owe me my disc, freaky friday, watch it yet?
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 12:55 p.m.
Monday, December 27, 2004
The war has started again. As usual, whose on my side? NOBODY. It has always been liddat. Ask me to ti liang ta. Its always her. What abt me? When will it be me? Its always my fault. No matter wad. Its always me who swallowed it. The hurt just adds on to it. Why do i haf to go through all these...
What is the big fuck abt money anyway. I know its more stable. But money is not everything. Money dun being happiness. What the fuck.
She said i m rude. She said i m blah blah blah. Fucking hell, she herself also like dat. Junliang duno argue how many mouthfuls, den she just let him. What abt me? I hate it.
I'll never forget, and i cant 4get abt wad she said to me - u think ppl will want u? You haf all those paranormal stuffs around you. You tink ppl want to be friends with you? Just becos of that sentence, i nearly quarrelled with my frens, nearly. Can anyone jsut console me?
I just cant 4get abt my childhood hurt...its been too deep..too deep to recover..
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 09:26 p.m.
Monday, December 27, 2004
I'm super bored now. Freezing also. Plus tired. Plus lonely. Sharon skipped class. Weiting also. Sianz. 3 more hours to go...nobodi pei wo jiang hua...
Dun understand the vb codes...been popping sweets into my mouth every now and then? Hmm..super bored.
Working on friday morning, sat morning..mabbe i shld work on sunday too..k i m starting to talk rubbish here..
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 03:30 p.m.
Sunday, December 26, 2004
The identity test
Openness To Experience
Your high score in the Openness category means that you probably have a strong creative streak. Your broad intellectual curiosity and your interest in the various arts set you apart. Some people may consider you somewhat of a dreamer, and your taste for variety often means moving quickly on to the next experience. This tendency makes you appear a bit flighty and inconsistent. But these elements of your personality simply reflect a character full of new ideas and charged with emotions.
Conscientiousness
Your low score in the Conscientiousness category means that you are quite "flexible" in your outlook on duty and responsibility. You probably have a casual style, and feel no strong obligation towards behaving according to a strict personal code. Chances are, you're relatively unorganized and easily distracted. You feel no strong ambition towards achieving any standard of success. To your favor, you probably have a spontaneous element that can be quite refreshing. But overall, your irresponsible attitude means that you generally cannot be counted upon.
Extraversion
Your medium score in the Extraversion category defines your social identity. You are probably comfortable in either a crowd or by yourself, and spending time alone or with company is equally enjoyable. When among others, you tend to stand in the foreground, although you may not always wish to take the position of a leader. Instead, you seem to prefer moving between the role of leader and follower, as the situation requires. You probably keep a moderately active social life; you're generally on the lookout for excitement, but certainly don't require it. You tend to keep a fairly positive emotional outlook, and people can usually count on your for some good cheer.
Agreeableness
The Agreeableness category refers to your social disposition. Your medium score indicates someone who balances the priorities of your own inner voice with the needs of others. You tend to be concerned with the harmony of the group, while maintaining a certain independence. Depending on the situation, you might adopt a stance that defers to the wishes of others, or else assert your own individuality. In this way, you have a great deal of tact, and believe in the situational equality of people. You probably have an approachable and kind personality. People probably admire you for your ability to speak your mind when appropriate.
Negative Emotionality
Negative Emotionality refers to your emotional reactivity. Your medium score means that you're someone who negotiates your emotions depending on your situation. Sometimes you may feel quite sensitive and emotional, while other times you may remain resilient to outside pressures. This quality of adaptation best describes your emotional character. You maintain a rational outlook, which is moderated by feelings. For example, you can sometimes feel sad, stressed, worried or embarrassed under the weight of a situation, but you are able to act quite calm and reserved, without yielding to the stress. Responsive, without being overly reactive, is the best way to describe you.
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 03:58 p.m.
Sunday, December 26, 2004
Friendship by Carol Elaine Falivre Scott
Each of us has a hidden place
Somewhere deep within ourselves
A place where we go to get away
To think things through
To be alone, to be ourselves
This unqiue place, where we confront our deepest feelings
Becomes a storehouse full of our hopes
All our needs, all our dreams
And even our unspoken fears
It encompasses the essence of who we are
And what we want to be
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 03:17 p.m.
Sunday, December 26, 2004
If one day u see me lying on the bed or on the grounds of woodbridge, DO NOT be surprise. Right now i am going mad. Soon. Should i go out for a cycle? Hmm..but my discman cant work wif those bumpy roads. I wanna get out. Get out and away with it.
She said i m so bloody fucking rude. Well, her tone is damm fucking rude too. Whatever she said abt me, she does it too. What the fuck. Anyway, she NEVER have any nice words for me. Since the day i was born. When.did.the.nice.words.came.out.NONE. She always noe i m so damm fucking stupid. Yes, i am lousy compared to the rest. Alright? I always haf the lousiest grades compared to others. Why compare? All day long also compare. What the fuck. Still say didnt compare. What the fuck.
I'm fed up. Trying to control my temper. Can anyone see? Is that why 2nd kor change his alitude towards me? I wanna get out.very.much.
Parents are concern. Yes. They do. BUT I am certainly not the kind of child who stay at home always, guai, do homework, do housework, be an obedient child. NO WAY. Thats not me. Never.In.My.Life. If i stayed home for the whole week, there mus be sumthing wrong with me. In other words, if i became suddenly quiet, there's sumthing wrong with me. Shi hui noes, joseph noes, basically everyone noes.
Cant they just accept the way i am? If they cant even accept their daughter, why am i existing in this world? Yes. Why. Just like wad ji gong said, what abt if i knew, wad abt if i do not know. Let say ur identity is being hidden away from u since u r a child, and one day suddenly, sumone told u abt it, a little. How would u feel? You want to know more abt it right? - Why do ppl keep things from you. Why do ppl say "you are too young, you cant handle it". If i cant handle it, why allowed me to see the pastor that time? If i didnt see her, i wldnt haf known. Right..now i m blaming the life. Wheres all this whining going?
Its like history is repeating itself again. It always comes back. No matter when. And theu hurt is going on, deeper and deeper each time. Does anyone care? NO. She said i have a revengeful heart. Did anyone care? NO. Who does? The other world? Again. Can any human make me feel like i m a human? Flipped thru my past diaries when i m a kid...sumthing caught my eye when i flipped thru, it was just an innocent line - "maybe i m half human...i cant seem to get along wif anyone...its hard."
And that's also the reason why they ask me not to think so much. Easier said than done. Can you do it if u are me? Can you? When u haf a problem, who helps you to settle it? Your friend? Yourself? Let just say i m alreadi dependent on them. All these years. The times, the day spend with them makes me feel like i m not a human? Does that make any sense?
Right. At this point of time, u can tell mi dat i think too much. Always. Since young. Do they bother to listen when i told them i cant mix wif my cousins when i was a kid? Do they bother to listen when i said i can see things? Do they bother? NO. They simply said i m thinking too much / I am just imagining things.
Hmmm...who would want to have this kind of WIERD.daughter? That's why i told him i shouldnt be here in the 1st place. And he said, be strong and live on. Then he left me. Hmm..
Let just put it as i am having a rough week. NOW.
Oh yes, i didnt expect 2nd kor to settle things for me. Really didnt. Cos i thought of all the 4, he's the one with the everything-dont-care altitude. Even kor was shocked too. Hmm...my world revolves around the other world too much? Scary?
Hmmm...becos I seems to only have them since young? I mean whenever i need a talk. Yeah..now i have..hmm..lots of ppl?
I tink i'll just read novel for awhile..to cheer up...hmm..tata~
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 01:09 p.m.
Friday, December 24, 2004
Something is wrong with me. Jing said i've been "cute"...want to ask why but dare not to ask why. Hmm...yeah wad happen ar..?
EternSky talked to me ydae..was surprised dat he talked to me? Cos erm we dun usually talk? Found dat he's in ns right now? Just like guowei. Hmm mel said merry xmas to me ydae but i didnt reply him? Hmm...talked alot to EternSky ydae...talked abt the army stuff...the number terms..they are actuali interesting! Hmm..abt the service and combat side, abt if my boy going to taiwan jiu wan dan le..dats wad he said? Also said that a new one is hard to come by? Hmm almost everyone said the same 2 words. Well, the ppl who know...
I'm super pissed. Actuali. I hate it when ppl ignored me. Den when she talks, she want me to listen. What the fuck. When i need you to listen, where were you. At least i didnt treat the hse like a hotel, everytime also say i m chao ji huai. Den wad abt others? I'm just liddat and i belong to the category of super lian? What the fuck. Cant i have my own freedom? If u gif me the freedom, why scold me whenever i go out. Go out also wrong? Go out wif frens also wrong? What the fuck. Since primary sch...all my frens knew how u r like. And everyone try their best to protect me. and wad did u do. Told me that they are untrusthworthy, den gu yi tiao bo li jian. Luckily, shi hui stayed by my side and i stayed by her side. I realli hate it. When will all this come to an end? Rich ppl said i shld cherish them. Cos they dun haf parents to nag at them while i have. Seriously. I m alreadi 19 years old. AND WAD THE HELL DID U TAUGHT ME? Luckily, i haf connections to the other world, otherwise i m alreadi dead. Realli damm pissed. Swallowed it everytime. Wad choice do i haf?
Books, frens, 4 brothers, him seems to make the world better? I know i shldnt whine and stuff...but just let me whine abit can? Its been a long time since i whine.
Oni those smarty ass people, stayed-at-home ppl is considered good? I dun like being lock up at home. Plus doing housework is considered guai? And me compared to my frens, i m the one who most ususally stayed home the most? Kaoz.
April just called. Spoil my mood of whining. But i like it. Haa~! Wont be going home today. I wanna stay out. Haa~!
*psychotic*
I'm easily cheered? Hee~ oh yeah. EternSky said april, mi, grace and wahidah look very super close. Haa~!
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 10:10 a.m.
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Batt low again..i tink i sms too much...i tink my hp bill gonna explode le...think nx week hmm..work on mon..sat...sunday..hmm..sunday i tink canot work. Haiz. Sianz. Night class. Hate it. Tired.
Somewhat alone now..thinking again.as.usual. Somehow, even tho he smokes...hmm i didnt realli zai hu, but wo you hen zai hu? Hmm..if u r a ger reading my blog, mabbe u'll noe wad i mean? I dun realli like the sentence of "if he realli loves you.." cos it doesnt seems practical? I mean if sumone else better comes along? Someone more connected to your thoughts? Hmm..as usual.i.need.reassurrance. Hmm..can any ger out there tell mi that u dun nid that?
The lecturer's here...sianz...hope he will let us go early..but it doesnt look promising. Wanted to charge hp. but cldnt find a free plug..aargh!
Hmm dun reali feel like using the philosiphy bag? Felt like buying a new one. Even the stuffs he gave me, its left on the shelf..hmm...sumhow caiting's words of duno-how-many-donkey-years-ago, came floating by - keep it. as memories. It doesnt haf to be good.
Nothing as usual...just talking to myself again. Bored. Cant wait to go out with april tmr. Haa~!
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 06:09 p.m.
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Go West - Pet Shop Boys
Together) We will go our way
(Together) We will leave some day
(Together) Your hand in my hand
(Together) We will make our plan
(Together) We will fly so high
(Together) Tell all our friends goodbye
(Together) We will start life new
(Together) This is what we'll do:
(Go west) Life is peaceful there
(Go west) in the open air
(Go west) where the skies are blue
(Go west) this is what we're gonna do
(Together) We will love the beach
(Together) We will learn and teach
(Together) Change our pace of life
(Together) We will work and strive
(I love you) I know you love me,
(I want you) how could I disagree?
(So that's why) I make no protest
(When you say) you will do the rest
(Go west) life is peaceful there
(Go west) in the open air
(Go west) baby, you and me
(Go west) this is our destiny
(Go west) sun in winter time
(Go west) we will do just fine
(Go west) where the skies are blue
(Go west) this is what we're gonna do
There, where the air is free
We'll be (we'll be) what we want to be
Now, if we make a stand
We'll find (we'll find) our promised land!
(I know that) there are many ways
(To live there) in the sun or shade
(Together) we will find the place
(To settle) where there's so much space
(Without rush) And the pace back east
(The hustling) rustling just to feast
(I know I'm) ready to leave too
(So that's why) we are gonna do
(Oh, what we're gonna do is...)
(Go west) life is peaceful there
(Go west) there, in the open air
(Go west) Where the skies are blue
(Go west) This is what we're gonna do...
(Life is peaceful there)
Go west (In the open air)
Go west (Baby, you and me)
(This is our destiny) Come on, come on, come on, come on
(Go west) Sun in winter time
(Go west) we will feel just fine
(Go west) where the skies are blue
(Go west) this is what we're gonna do
(Come on, come on, come on, come on, go west!)
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 01:33 p.m.
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Dying inside the hold you by Timmy Thomas
It's turning out just another day
I took a shower and I went on my way
I stopped there as usual
had a coffee and pie
when i turned to leave
i couldn't believe my eyes
standing there i didn't know what to say
without one touch
we stood there face to face
Chorus
(And) i was dying indside to hold you
i couldn't believe what i felt for you
dying inside i was dying inside
but i couldn't bring myself to touch you
you said hello then u asked my name
i didn't know if i should go all the way
inside i felt my life have really changed
i knew that it would never be the same
standing there i didn't know what to say
first time looked away when i whispered your name
Chorus 2x
one hello changed my life
i didn't believe in love at first sight
but you've shown me what is life
and I now i know my love (i know it's coming right)
Chorus (fade)
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 01:31 p.m.
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Kor kor say he dun1 2 interfere...when the fairies were worried last nite..hmm...so does that prove that finally that this is mine? Mine very 1st one?
I'm officially broke. Think i gonna ask shi hui to transfer the money to me asap. I guessed i'm this broke cos i m not using concession? Abt 50 bucks is spend on transport? Damm. I'm broke. I tink i'll work more after xmas. Else cant settle my hp bill.
Surprised dat kor kor ask everyone elses to get lost last nite and leave me alone..hmm 1st time. Appreciate that tho.
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 12:34 p.m.
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Xin hao tong. Talked to shi hui abt it. I guessed she noes how i feel? Hmm like wad ppl said, i shld haf gif him more time? But if he doesnt want to quit, then no use also right? And he refuse to answer my question? Wad can i do then? Lao hua yi ju, "if he realli loves me.." but dat is like so selfish...cos if i put myself in his shoes then it will be like " if i realli love him, i shld accept him of whoever, whatever he is".
hao xiang bei qi pian le...wo shi bu shi jiang de hen li pu? Ying wei zi qian ta shuo bu chou le...dan shi...hmm...hao shang xin...zhuo wan ku le hao yi zhen zi...ran hou you xiao le...bu zhi wei shen me...zuo ri wo zi ji hui jia...ben xiang la zhu ta de shou..dan shi zhe me gao de ne...jiu zhe yang zhi ji zhou hui jia..HAIZ..
I said i dun realli mind him being a smoker..but but deep down inside...i m just trying to be strong? Hmm...trying to accept...i think i can? And i think i cant?
Keyboard and mouse is down. Does dat explains why i m not online for 2 days? Break record...Having lab lessons all the way. Si bei sianz.
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 11:30 a.m.
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Wanted to meet him actually. For lunch. Ate alreadi. But still hungry? Hmm..he said he ate le..den i eating alone? Wierd. I think he has report to do? Hmmm guess i haf to wait till friday? Miss him...
Finish sch at 3 today...dun feel like going home...sure kana nag when i go home..aargh! Hmmm went out with April ydae, saw this shower gel dat wrote " wash away your sins - for liars, cheaters and wrong-doers " Like it alot. Then saw the anna sui dolly girl, nice smell, a zillion times better than escada. Think i gonna collect all? Nahz...not all, except the smelly one. What else did i saw? Hmm the wallet from project blood brothers, the AX top...wanted to buy for him..but broke..else i'll buy for myself..the AX top. NICE. I tink i'll buy it for myself. Haa~!
I'm still waiting for the ipod voucher...its taking a damm long time! Hmm...i dun feel like i m studying at all? Its like...all so-ever-boring-stuffs.
What am i gonna do when i go home? Hmm..finish my novels? Haiz SIANZ. Hmm nvm, think i gonna enjoy my weekend~!
Just told him dat i actuali wanted to meet him? Oh well.
My com is broke dwn by the way. Damm sianz!
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 01:13 p.m.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Zong jue de, ta ye rang wo, wo ye bu zi zai. Ying wei cong lai mei ren zhe me rang gei wo, chu le san ge zi wai. Bu ming bai wei shen me da zhe me rang wo...zhen de bu ming bai...zong jue de hen guilty...abt ydae..last nite...cos i hung up his phone...? Hmmm...
Fairies came dwn ydae...never saw them b4...1st time in my life...they were consoling me? Was angry wif my mum. I guessed its has always been liddat? Just dat nowadays, i dun meet them in bathroom alreadi? I'm still angry. Hope dat when i go out with april later, i'll feel better? She never haf any nice words for me? Sumhow, again, am thinking wad kept me going on for all these years? Hmm...i talk as if i'm pityful? Nope, not trying to gain sympathy..sumhow wondering why they allowed me to come down..haiz...
I kept asking him why. He asked me not to ask? I kept asking my brothers and the fairies why. They just smiled at me? I wonder why they dote on me so much...wo dao di shi shui?
Hmmm perharps he's thinking if these things are realli important to noe? Somehow i duno how to explain to him? I was thinking if one day i lose all my gifts..hmm..dat will make me no difference to other humans...sumhow i m selfish? Right? Right...i m starting to think further and further deeper dwn...
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 9.59am
Monday, December 20, 2004
I'm freezing in s565...super cold...wish he's here? To give me warmth? Haa~ Class end at 5pm today instead of 6pm. Then friday NO school. But thursday study till 9.30pm. SIANZ.
Sms-ing to shi hui now. Shes asking abt cafe cartel - the food sux. Swensen's - the food sux too. Pastamania - soso only. I recomend pasta cafe. But i dun tink she'll go there. She dun eat pasta? Duhz.
Todae ar..i tink i tan shen yi. Helping guy and desmond and alvin to ask, all abt tarans. Waste my sms. But nvm. Next time if i nid sumthing, they better charge me CHEAPER.
Aye shihui going eat pasta? Hmm...mus be the type wif no cheese...she hates cheese..
Xmas coming...presents? Heh *hint* Wondering wad will my aunties gif me this yr...heh heh..
No mood to pay attention in class...i feel like shitting..haa~!
Just now duno who want to take bus..den ar i walk all the way frm PHS to NYP...sum sorta walking exercise..
Mummy coming back today..i m too full to eat dinner? Hmm...anyway i lose the talisman..the similar experience when i m young....and my mum was wondering why everytime my yellow talismans go missing suddenly..
Went to spi jus nw and saw the har par villa thingy, the candle lights - its exactly the same as my dream! Those red candle lights for the spirits frm hell to come to earth? Hmm..
I'M FREEZING!!!!!
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 04:06 p.m.
Monday, December 20, 2004
Enjoying the ipod now. Accidentally in love. Heh~! So sweet of you. Heh. Went out to eat lunch with him today. Skipped classes today...hmm...
I wonder if kohcc recognise me? Hmm i was surprised dat he will still ask him if we are together. I guessed he knows also. Everyone noes how he like and how i am like. Hmm but nvm le. Just hope dat i wont see him ever again in school.
Ibrahim told me that he saw him and pretended to ask him wad happen. Hmmm he supports me? Didnt expect dat. Hmm sharon's here. Tata~!
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 02:07 p.m.
Saturday, December 18, 2004
Why are they grinning?
1st kor came. I thought he dont care abt me anymore. I thought the 4 of them left together? Or izzit dat he was my brother. He had responsibilities? To take care of me? I was surprised when i walk halfway, and heard his commanding voice..He didnt say much to me, but asked his personal guards to escort me, there and home. I never expected him to send his personal guards. The same guards dat i saw 15yrs ago. The same guards dat call mi little princess...haven seen them for 15 yrs...i wonder why. If kor knew, why didnt he stop? I dun understand. I'm angry at him and at kor. Plus kor allowed it to happen last nite. Why? Why do they like him so much? Never see them like sumone so much b4. To this extend - I haf been slping late, not doing hse work, and kor didnt say anything, didnt nag at me? But instead he asked me to go out wif him? Even z, the little boy, said the same thing? Why? And nobody wants to tell mi. Scary. Cos nobody wants to tell mi abt it and they smiled when i asked.
I tink the lines on my palm change. I cldnt find those lines...dat edward said abt me. Or perharps i kok eye? Next opening store, must see him again.
Going to change shoe later. Hmm...the shoe i bought for him...he cant wear? Wanna buy the hzgg novels. I tink i'll buy the part 2. Or shld i buy the part 1 instead? Hmmm i tink i'll see how much it costs 1st...n i wanna buy that bear. The white one..or shld i buy the black one?
This is the 1st time, doing sumthing, where i duno anything abt the future. BUT i'll make sure i find out. Hmmm...i tink this time kor is taking care of this? That was wad he said last nite. He said he'll settle anything, anything for me, if anything happens. Why ar? The sudden care for me..WIERD. Becos oni 3rd kor will settle things. Hmm if 2nd kor came dwn also, den i think sumthing is realli amiss. Becos all of them are smiling. The good smile. Hmmm...i'll wait and see what happen then.
What choice do i haf? None. Except to wait.
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 12:16 p.m.
Friday, December 17, 2004
Mop the living room today. Changed 6 pails of water. Change the "style" of my room. Hmm looks better. But still look messy. Cos the room is small? Hmm...thinking abt my new room. Thinking to get dennis to draw sumthing, den help mi colour my wall. Nahz. Later he'll tell grail. Den grail will laugh out loud. Geez man. How do i noe ppl's besties frm internet.
I'm hungry. Feel like eating laksa. Ate junk food for breakfast and lunch today. Think i'll eat the passion fruit.
Waiting for yun's reply. Duno wad she doin. So lon din reply. Confirm not going nia.
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 06:37 p.m.
Friday, December 17, 2004
Lullaby for a friend
When she's crying on your shoulder
And you dont know what to say.
Just whisper softly in her ear
That everything will be okay.
When she says her heart is broken
And her soul feels so alone,
Just tell her that you love her.
When you hear her breathe so gently,
And see tears fall from her eyes,
Wipe them one by one away,
Tell her everybody cries.
And soon she will look up at you
And maybe start to smile,
And thank you for being there
Through all the painful while.
And you'll look down on her brown eyes,
And know what just to say:
That on you she can depend
And everything will be okay.
Rebecca Woolf
Be
Overcome a fear
Laugh out loud
Break the silence
Speak to the crowd
Feel the joy
Taste the wind
Breathe the stars
Imagine
Model kindness
Wear peace
Breathe the stars
Act at least
Know her sadness
Heal his pain
Listen closely
Receive the same
Make a promise
Give from the heart
Take and return
End and restart
Rise from the bottom
Soar from the deep
Smile and rest
Desire and seek
Learn the secrets
Read between the lines
Thirst for the truth
Look for the signs
Sing and dance
Love and live
And remember you get
Whatever you give
Sara Guilliam
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 06:14 p.m.
Friday, December 17, 2004
I'm bored. Bored at home. Chillin at home. Having gathering tonite at 11pm. Wanna buy boxers. What shld i wear today. I wanna buy cow stickers. Think i'll hang ard kino awhile today. Haven been ironing clothes. Lazy. Dad ironed himself. Called Jamil. But cldnt get thru. Damm. Mum gonna scold me when she's back frm china. School's opening soon. Sianz. Wanna blast music. Yihong's my senior in ats? But hmm she doesnt noe shao peng n gang? I wonder hows the 3 geniuses doing now. Wondering if they still remember me. Hope yun can make it todae to the gathering. Miss her. Miss her scolding me. Hmmm..sunday's working wif nelly - SIANZ. SUNDAY sumore. Damm. But hmm there jing, so i tink hmmm...the war gonna start again.
Xmas coming. Reminds me of presents. Ribbons. Food. Wine.
Wanna watch princess diaries 2. The parent trap. National treasure. Meet the fockers. American Pie. Blade Trinity. The polar express. The incredibles. Kung Fu hustle.
Been slping late these few days. Late as in in the middle of the nite? Sch's starting..so i suppose this cant go on?
Told ya i m bored. Played majong till i wanna fall asleep. Perharps i shld go mop the flr. Lazy.To.Move
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 12:16 p.m.
Friday, December 17, 2004
After so many hours and days of searching, found the skin that suits my mood. Actuali wanted to use another wif also a heart, but i tink "accidentally in love" suits the-now-me better.
Actuali i cancelled the song. Noisy.
I got my thumbdrive alreadi. THANKS.
He smoked. Hmm..for sum reason..i m not angry wif him? But then ar...i realli dun like smokers...but why m i not angry at him? Hmmm....WIERD.
Duno why i like his kisses n hugs so much. WHY AR. See i told u, its accidentally in love.
Hmm sharon n jer are dying to see his face? Hmm...actuali almost all of my frens? Like wad sharon said, everyone is on my side cos everyone is relieved and happy when i dump him.
Hmm i'm a bitch? Well mabbe. People who know me shld noe me. After all, how many years haf u people know me? Very long right. Ahhh...so u shld noe my character well right.
Wore mini today. Fa qiao. Hmm when i go out wif him, i wld nvr wear a mini out? Ok, i see the change in me. But i like it. Hmmm...
Wanted to buy a bikini top today, but ar, all not nice. So yucky. Then sharon say i mus go back to ripcurl liao..ripcurl damm ex man. ahh...i like the surf babe one dat time i saw wif tracy. Its 105 bucks. Damm ex. Hmmm i tink i m still the different one. Frens go shopping, buy many things accumlate dat amount, and i oni buy 1 stuff? Well its just like buying many cheap tops but seldom wear and buy oni a nice top but wear for many times?
Speaking of dat, i kinda regretted buying the mango silver top. Didnt wear much. Wad else. Ahh the topshop one was worse. NVR WEAR. Hmmm..perharps i shld sell it.
Saw kaleiscope todae. Very nice. Very ex. Didnt buy. Den saw a nici bear. So cute. Didnt buy. $7.95? Hmm cheap? Yeah why didnt i buy? K i buy tmr.
Lucky i didnt buy the ripcurl tote bag. But hmm i m still kinda thinking abt it.. but dun tink i'll carry to sch...still prefer big backpacks.
Cried the whole nite ydae. But now i feel better. Yeah..
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 01:05 a.m.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Ghost of you and me by bbmak
What am I supposed to do
With all these blues
Haunting me everywhere
No matter what I do
Watching the candle flicker out
In the evening glow
I can't let go
When will the night be over
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name
For what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me
Seen a lot of broken hearts
Go sailing by
Phantom ships lost at sea
And one of them is mine
Raising my glass
I sing a toast to the midnight sky
I wonder why
The stars don't seem to guide me
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name
For what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me
The ghost of you and me
When will it set me free
I hear the voices call
Following footsteps down the hall
Trying to save what's left
Of my heart and soul
Watching the candle flicker out
In the evening glow
I can't let go
When will the night be over
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name
For what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me(4x)
Jing...i WANT THIS SONG. Remember to send me. Asri lost my this cd. Damm sadded. Wondering if he's coming this friday. Wondering if he forgive me. Wondering if he still hates me. Becos of adil's stuff. Wondering if we are still frens...i hope so...i miss those days where i sit inside the office to talk to him abt stuff. Hmm...i just miss the gang last time - clement, win, erma, jiawen, asri...
I want to hold your hand by the beatles
Oh yeah, I´ll tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
Oh, please, say to me
You'll let me be your man
and please, say to me
You'll let me hold your hand
Now let me hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
And when I touch you i feel happy, inside
It's such a feeling
That my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide
Yeah you, got that something
I think you'll understand
When I say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
And when I touch you I feel happy, inside
It's such a feeling
That my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide
Yeah you, got that something
I think you'll understand
When I feel that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
This song reminds me of ming hwa. Glad dat i bought the cat for him dat day. Others were saying how wierd it is to gif him dat cat. Glad dat he likes it. Haa~!
Good Charlotte - Hold On
This world, This world is cold
But you don't, you dont have to go
You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely
And no one seems to care
Your mothers gone and your father hits you
This pain you can not bare
But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through
Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Your days, you say they're way too long,
And your nights, you can't sleep at all
Hold on
And you're not sure what you're waiting for
But you dont want to no more
You're not sure what you're looking for
But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through
Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking you're one step closer
Don't stop searching its not over
Hold on
What are you looking for?
What are you waiting for?
Do you know what you're doing to me?
Go ahead...what are you waiting for?
Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking you're one step closer
Don't stop searching its not over
Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Hold on
The world's greatest - R kelly
I am a mountain
I am a tall tree
ohhhhh
I am a swift wind sweeping the country
I am a river down in the valley
ohhhhh
I'm a vision and I can see clearly
If anybody asks you who I am
Just stand up tall
Look'em at the face and say
ay
Refrain:
I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey I made it
I'm the worlds greatest
I'm that little bit of hope
When my back's against the rope
I can feel it I'm the worlds greatest
I am a gaint
I am an eagle
ohhhhhh
I am a lion down in the jungle
I am a marching band
I am the people
ohhhh
I am a helping hand
I am a hero
If anybody asks you who I am
Just stand up tall
Look'em at the face and say
Refrain:
Bridge 1:
I'm that star up in the sky (oohhhhh)
I'm that mountain(peak up high)peak up high
Hey I made It (I said I made it)
im the worlds greatest( I'm that little bit)
I'm that little bit of hope (ohhhhhhohhhh)
When my back's against the wall (when my back's against the ropes
I can feel it( I can feel it)
I'm the worlds greatest
Bridge 2:
oooohhhhhhhhhhh
I'm that star up in the sky (star up in the sky)
I'm that mountain peak up high (oh yes I am)
Hey I made It ( I made it)
im the worlds greatest( I'm that little bit of hope)
I'm that little bit of hope (ohhhhhhohhhh)
When my back's against the wall (when my back's against the ropes)
I can feel it( I can feel it)
I'm the worlds greatest
again first bridge
His the greatest (his the greatest)
His the greatest can you feel it
Used to like this song alot. Duno wad to blog abt. Does dat explains why everything are in lyrics? oh yes! While at kino ydae, i came across sumthing nice.
To let go by Tiffany appleton
To let go isnt to forget,
not think about or ignore it.
It doesnt leave feelings of anger,
jealousy, or regret.
Letting go isnt winning and it isnt losing.
Its not about pride and its not about how you appear,
And its not about obessessing or dwelling on the past.
Letting go isnt blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts,
And doesnt leave emptiness,
hurt or sadness.
Its not about giving in or giving up.
Letting go isnt about loss,
and its not defeat.
To let go is to cherish memories,
But to overcome and to move on.
It is having an open mind and confidence in the future.
Letting go is accepting.
It is learning and experiencing and growing.
To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh,
made you cry and made you grow.
Its about all you have,
All that you had and all that you will soon gain.
Letting go is having the courage to accept change,
and the strength to keep moving.
Letting go is growing up.
It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy.
To let go is to open a door,
to clear a path and to set yourself free.
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 10:23 a.m.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
I just told him my darkest deepest secret? A secret dat shi hui and joseph dun even noe? A secret dat i m ashamed of it? Sumhow if i din tell him, i feel dats its not fair for him?
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 01:38 a.m.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
*puke* I realli feel like vomitting now. After reading the mail. Yucks! Qx alreadi say the sun tanning is for GIRLS ONLY. And the sissy was saying dat he will haf to miss it. YUCKS! SUPER DUPER YUCKY! I need a big pail to vomit.
Almost cant wake up today. Supposedly to wake up at 5am. But cant wake up. So woke up at 6am instead. I was dragging myself to the bathroom to brush my teeth? My thought : if i cant wake up, i dun tink he'll be able to wake up later when i call him.
Ate alot today. To keep myself awake. Nowadays ar, i dun feel like blogging? Dun haf the mood...blogging mood not avaliable.
My nails look disgusting. Duno how many days din bite alreadi. Very wierd.
Sch reopening soon. Sianz. If oni ar i cant study wad i like - dat will never happen.
Oh yes, was in kino today. Checked my palm. So hmm edward is not lying then. All those paranormal, wadeva strong 6th sense lines...all on my palm...no wonder edward say i m different frm others.
Todae duno why...spirits been reminding me the same stuff they LOVE TO remind me whenever sumthing gonna happen. Dun like it. Whenever they start to remind me of that, dat means sumthing going to happen. Erk!
I wish they'll tell mi in wad way m i that special. Wad izzit so different abt me compared to others? Becos of that secret? But every yr, there's ppl like me who are also dat thing. Hmm.....
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 01:09 a.m.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Hmmm....cut my hair today...i look WIERD. Working at 7am tmr...n wad m i doin now? Seen doctor todae, heartbroken...56 bucks...jus for cough...wad else did i today..will blog tmr adios
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 01:08 a.m.
Monday, December 13, 2004
bored...took all these frm SPI
You are the ETERNAL CHILD. While others grow up and
become weary of the world, you continue to see
the wonder, beauty and magic in it. You are
most likely an artist, writer, musician or
poet. Some would call you innocent and naive,
but that may simply be due to your boundless
optimism and their failure to accept the hope
that you can bring. Do not let them wear you
down. One example of an ETERNAL CHILD is J.K.
Rowling.
(for males)Discover your Female Persona brought to you by Quizilla
You are pink
#FFC0CB
Your dominant hue is red... you are passionate, energetic, and unafraid of life's changes. You're all about getting out and trying something new, even if it means taking risks that other people would be afraid of. Hey, if they're afraid and you're not, more power to you, right?
Your saturation level is low - You stay out of stressful situations and advise others to do the same. You may not be the go-to person when something really needs done, but you know never to blow things out of proportion.
Your outlook on life is very bright. You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation
accidentally in lovee|]]
at
12:58 p.m.
Monday, December 13, 2004
Idiot! Found one realli nice blogskin. But it cant seems to work. Going to work at 2pm. Working wif jing today. Didnt see her for almost 2 mths le. Miss her lots. Wondered if she's grown skinner. Heard frm ibrahim that she has 3 guys who went to pick her up? Hmmm...always so many suitors. I'm not jealous. Haa!
Dad called mum todae and talked to mum. Hmm...mum asked me wad i had been eating for the past few days. Told her that sumone brought me to eat? She didnt probe further. For the 1st time. Or perharps when she's back, she'll ask. Hope she doesnt.
Dun understand why i like the sword so much. It sumhow reminds me of 3rd kor. Plus i like phoenix...hmm...got the dream interpretion frm nexorious.
Junni: I have 3 odd dreams since a kid (still having it, but not too often) :
the 1st dream: i m a little boy abt 5 yrs old in the dream, living in a huge mansion with my bros and sisters, i m the youngest. And i always play alone in the garage where many posh cars are in there. There was this day thati was playing ball at the garage driveway and i didnt see one of the cars driving thru and then i was knocked dwn. - dream ended-
2nd dream: was walking on the land, but it seems like floating thru the path, where along the path is fire, continue walking until i reached a high black gate, cldnt unlock it and cldnt go thru it either. But the path still continues after the gate.
3rd dream: was walking on a path also, but its filled with red candles along and there's no gate, i just continued walking. Except that the path its not on land, its in the air.
Any interpretation??????
Your first dream could be a foreseen event. Probably happening to your child or relative. If not, this dream will just simply mean though everything seems to be splendid but you aren't satisfied. To be knocked down meant nobody bothers to notice you. For a child to die in dream will just mean something you yearn don't get to you. Whole dream just indicates you couldn't get what(something) you wanted.
To literally walk on fire will definitely be too much to bear. Thus to levitate but be on the same path shows that somebody might be aiding you. Black not necessarily means evil but could be interpreted as illness and/or omen. The journey is tough but fret not, have faith in the ones around you.
The red candles serves as guidance and people/angels are assisting you. Be open and allow them to come into your safe haven.
You often get reccurence dreams? If it's so. A calamity might befall on you but as long as you take grace in what you do, the tough times will be over.
Hmm...he's quite accurate. He got my 1st dream wrong. Dat was my past life. Hmm now i know what my 2nd and 3rd dream means. For so long, nobody wants to tell mi abt it. Sumhow i noe wad he meant.
Sumhow i m grateful that 3rd kor save my life. Grateful that he told me abt what i'll go through. Grateful dat he stayed with me throughout the bad times. Wad he told me came out right. Plus 3rd kor kept his promise, which i never expect him to. Bliss.
I'm still on the same motto : wadeva dat doesnt kills me, makes me stronger. And it did.
The grass is not greener on another side anymore. I'm satisfied.
accidentally in lovee|]]
at 12:40 p.m.
