and so we start off yet another day with nothing to do and waking up too early. i got up at like 7 and magically was able to sleep another 2 hours (thank glod). and i don't think i really like how sleep has been lately, i mean, i haven't sleep good since the new year started, even since before that, but now it's just gone somewhere else. there's these dreams i have that are way too real...and there's things i've been wanting to say for so long and i finally did, got it all out in the open, which was nice. but i don't know, i think i've just gotten to this point where i have nothing going for me, i have no source of anything, there's no more for me to do, and i'm just sitting here thinking "what now?" It's just not a state of mind or anything i like being in for too long cause i know how it ends. i'd really just like to be out of here and just chill somewhere for a while, just a little while...even if i don't have anything to do, just be somewhere else. even though i'm hardly ever home if i can help it...i still don't want to be here. at least now i have something different on the walls to see, but still, i can only do that for so long.
i really just need to talk to someone for a good while i guess. about anything and everything, not just for something to do, but to feel not so useless. perhaps starting the way off with Dashboard Confessional and Finch isn't the best thing ever, i should learn from that. i was so bored earlier, i spend so much time just sitting and doing nothing now. i actually watch tv every now and then, which is way out of character for me. unless it's something i normally try to catch, but i usually forget. but i mean, just flipping channels cause there's nothing better to do...it makes me sad. i even put the AFI bat on my back, i had enough time to just try it. it's way janky and all, but i don't care. it's there, that's what counts right? i should probably just call up Aubrey, see if she's got time to chat or something. it's still a little early for her though i think, i'll give her more time to sleep in. that is if she didn't have classes.
so here i sit. in this room like every other day...no where to go...nothing to do...and just no one free to talk to. i'm pouring out all the frustrations and secrets that i've kept in for so long, i can only hope that someone close hears my pleas for sanity through the silence.
i saw everyone last night when we went to City for coffee-ness. i was going totally insane though. cause just before we left here Chris came online, and i'm like "well shit, he just got here and i have to leave, fuck" and so i was all not happy about that. but coffee was good, i gave Nathaniel a hug from Tom, and then i gave him a hug from me, which was much better than the Tom hug funnily enough lol. but yea it was kewl. we all had snickers mochas! that was kinda neet. so we spent the whole time just sittin, talking, i sat in Nathaniel's lap and Jeremy was in the cumfy chair across from us, Joey pulled up a metal chair and it was all good. it was kewl just to talk to everyone since there's always a lot to say. i told them about the thing with Aubrey and Lauran, Jeremy's reaction was funny. even funnier was this look he gave me when they were talking about the Beatles for some reason, and i'd forgotten what they were talking about after about 2 minutes into the conversation, so i asked and was like "ohhh...yea i forgot." and Jeremy just looked up at me from his coffee, it was hilarious that look. it was awesome. after that we all headed out pretty much and stayed at the Birdhouse a while. i talked to Sandra some cause i found out she does the scrapbook stuff and is working on a baby book for Maya. which is kewl. she invited me to a scapbook making partyish thing the friday after Valentine's, should be neet. the whole time we were out i was messaging Chris's phone. i left him a part from Alone in Santa Cruz (such a good song :) ) and then at coffee i left one that said something like "you better not go to bed before i get home" or something. and he was still up when i got here :) but he couldn't really stay long to chat, but like always i got him to stay a good 30 or 40 mins longer hee hee. that's it for now. ja.
as for yesterday, well, it was a bummer halfly. like i went out with my rents cause they're gettin a new kitchen and i was puttin in my 2 cents. thank glod for that, cause my mom has no taste at all. but after like 10 mins of being at this place she'd already yelled at my dad and was all bitchy, then when we actually got to talk to the guy they went on for hours....and hours...and more hours. i'd been there 6 hours and was pretty much done after 2, they were off topic by 3, and didn't get back on until the 5th. it sucked. but after i got them to go to The Outback even though they'd been there just the night before. i had my potato soup and a big slab of meat, oh yes, i was happy. and coke + lime = mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. i wished Sean were there so i could have a wallaby darned though, i really needed it. and my mom continued to bitch and moan for the rest of the day, my dad did get a lil fed up with it and talked back a smidge, but not much. as always. and after i got home i was stuck there the rest of the night, oh joy. but i talked to Jessica some and that was awesome, man i miss that girl. it's been decided i'm taking her out to coffee sometime once i get my licence. i still need to ask Sarah's mom about borrowing the car, but hopefully i'll be able to get a hold of her. i tried calling her work, but i think it was the wrong number, i called her cell but i'm not sure what that did...so i hung up. as for now, well, i'm waiting on Joey to see what's going on, i'm not really sure but i hope i don't get ditched again. i just want outta the house, that's all, really.
other than that i haven't done squat. it's sad. i have absolutely nothing i really need to get done, and what i need to get done is getting no where. so i ended up sittin around listening to From Autumn To Ashes a lot. i really wish i had the cd Too Bad You're Beautiful, i really like it. and then i drew their logo on me and in cursive it says the album name, it's rad. but as for now, ima stop. done.
i heart shows + 11:00pm
so i just got home from the Gaslighter show, man that was a fucking BLAST! i totally loved gettin to see new awesome bands, and even tho i didn't get to see Sonic Mirth because of rather interesting circumstances i still got to see the backup singer/guitarist and two other guys plays some nice acoustic stuff that they threw together in like 5 minutes. it was rad. and ADD was pretty sweet too. some guys out here from Sacramento. twas awesome. it wasn't fair tho, Jeremy got a free cd from the guy :( and they offered Joey too. just cause i was sittin and catchin up with Angela and Morgan i didn't get one. oh well, there'll be other chances. it was so totally kewl to see everyone again tho, Johnny, Benny, Angela, Morgan, Evan, just so many people it was insane! me and Ange had good talkliness and hung out most of the time, i talked to Morgan A LOT, and that was SOOOOOOOO sweet. cause like, i never really knew him really well even when i did know him, so it was kewl to just sit and talk with him and stuff. he's such an awesome guy. and i caught up with Evan, found out what he's up to now. just was an all out good night. other than Gaslighter having shitty mic probs stuff was kewl. The Other Left put on an awesome set considering the mic probs and Johnny breakin a string (EEP!) but it was sweet. and i got to see Benny sing again which is ALWAYS awesome. i haven't had my voice go out that bad in a long time too, so that means i MUST'VE had a sweet time. after the show we bummed outside the back and chatted with peoples till Jeremy wanted to head out. so i hugged Ange, then got the most awesome kick ass hug ever from Morgan. after which i said "that was the best i've ever had." and the word of the day according to my Gaslighter i paid money stamp is.....*drumroll*.....ATTRACTION. and i drew sweet stuff on my arm i can't get pix of right now. nite!
so i was sleeping, i'd been waking up on and off during the night trying to get comfortable but it just didn't work. somehow the bed being so empty makes it impossible. i haven't had a good nights sleep this whole new year. but today started out really goodly. my phone rang and of course i knew it was Mike :) i heart personal ringtones. i really wanna make another one for him tho, i like the one it has, but still, it'd be nice to have another if i feels like changing it. but yea, my babes was at work and they hadn't opened up yet and he was bored so he decided to call me up (such a sweetheart). that was totally awesome. makes me wonder how tired i actually did sound...hmm, oh well. and you should wake me up more often love, i really like starting days out with you. after i talked to my sweetness i sleep another hour or so i think and eventually got up and showered. then i decided i should copy my mum's Savage Garden cd (which was a copy of the cd i used to have but fucking Baiko lost it. Bitch.) since i didn't have it anymore. so while that went on i listened to new Saves The Day and now i'm on Savage Garden. it's amazing how much i really do remember lyrically. i love singin it though, and it brings me back to a happy musik time of my life. where i was actually content with everything and didn't have a worry in the world. sometime i should call up Sarah and see what she's up to today, then i'll give Aubrey and Carolyn a call i think. that's all for today right now.
okay, working backwards. i'll start WAY back. so last week i pretty much stayed at Sarah's house the whole time. it was totally awesome. just like it'd be if it really were just the two of us living there. we tended to stay up till at least 3am doing who knows what haha. the first night we cleared off her top bunk so i could sleep there, we were up till about 6am. now i understand why she sleeps in so late all the time, she doesn't ever sleep. other than that i went and did some D&D at Marcus's one night, and then we had a murder mystery another night. and another night we went and got Matt hella applications to places and 4 of us were filling them out, i did a few online. and Sarah spent a good amount of time trying to help Matt out one night. that day i'd been out a few hours with my mum and she was gone when i got back and left me a message on Sean's laptop. so when it got around to being 2am and she'd been gone 5 or 6 hours i was gettin a lil worried. she called up while i was watching X-Files, at a rather funny coincidence the phone on the tv and the phone at the house rang at the same time. she needed me to come and get her cause the truck wouldn't start. so i was off on a rescue mission. i was so paranoid about everything, and was totally watching car lights to make sure there weren't cops following me or anything. i ended up missing my turn cause i was fiddling with the balace on the stereo haha. but it was kewl. i like how i get to actually drive with Sarah. and i still gotta ask her mum if i can borrow the car. so that's about all that we did together i think. other than when we went to Korean BBQ for breakfast/lunch.
everything else i've been up to is just hanging out with Joey pretty much. i even hung out with Jeremy too. like one day me and Jeremy went to coffee with Nathaniel, that's before he went to somewhere near Sac in hopes of some place there helping his mum. we had a good talk about our kewl idea for a coffee bar venue, upon other things. me and Joey have just been bummin around together, which is neet. we jammed a lil one day but it's weird just drums and bass i guess. and we took puppies for walkies twice, i liked doin that. and we've been goin tae see Nathaniel when we can, usually just going out for coffee, which is nice. the guy at City knows what i get now haha, it's so rad. last night we had a good time at a nearby school's park after coffee, Aubrey came with. and i'd given Nathaniel a framed dealie of 3 pix from the wall. like 3 frames of the flowers having sex. i must've watched the wall at least 4 or 5 times yesterday, jeebus.
other than that i'm kinda happy that my mum isn't buggin me all the time about if i've heard from Sean at all. he's actually called me twice :) which happies me a lot. i miss my ani-sama :( but he'll be home kinda soon, which will be good, and i'm sure he'll miss australia when he's back, but will still like being home with everyone. kinda bitter sweet for him. and i've been talking to people that i don't get to hear from a lot, which is awesome. like i've been talking to Chris more, and i hadn't heard Mike in a while so it was awesome that he called me. i don't think he realizes how much i miss it when i haven't heard him in a long time. man, it's so cheezy, but "i knew i loved you before i met you" tis a good song, and it really does fit how i feel. pretty kewl. and i've been talking to the other Sarah more often too, my aquabatty sister. she's so awesome. i really need to hang out with her more once i get my licence, which i'm hoping will be soon. i got my test on the 28th and Sarah (my Sarah) said she'd take me out around Santa Teresa to drive where i'm having my test. which is awesome. i really like the word awesome i think, i see it a lot throughout this thing. ne ways, i think this is good for now. sayonara minna!
been tryin to get a hold of all my MN boyz, but it seems that they've been rather good at being unreachable. dunno what's up with Pat's phone, but sometime he'll get my messages i guess. kinda sux tho, cause like, when i call him it's cause i just specifically wanna talk to him. stupid crap. lately i've just been talkin to his bro a lot more, which is totally awesome. Mike has been more distant lately which sads me. but hopefully things for him there will start being un-crappily and start lookin up. there's gotta be something good to this new year.
and so my bro is off in Australia, the wonderful land of Oz. so far i have heard about the gorgeous landscapes, the really nice people, and how cherry coke tastes bad there. it really sucks that i wasn't able to go where i wanted to, but at least after all this time Sean is getting his well deserved vacation. he'll have a good ol' time out there with Kris and he'll come back happy, but sad that he's home, which sux. but oh well. the day after he left i spent 3 hours cleaning his room hopefully that won't have been in vain. i'm caring for his mice as well, they've been doin well but i think i should change the cage soon. bleh. but it kinda sux without Sean here though, but he'll be home eventually.
so i've just been bumming at home a lot, playing FFX, hanging out with Joey and stuff like that. hopefully this month will pass for me a lil faster than everyone else. today i think ima be hangin out with Jeremy and headin over to see Nathaniel. he's kinda stuck at home on account of his mum and everything. which is really sad and all, but not much you can do about such things. ne ways, enough of this stuff. i'm off to do nothing.
mates
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