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Today's Portal: Kristin
Penned on: Wednesday, April 10, 2002
01:12 a.m.
If only you knew...will you ever know? Will you ever really understand what I've done to myself? Will anyone? I don't know...but I don't think so.
I will try to explain. I broke myself. Deep. Three times. It doesn't show much on the surface, at least not where we meet. Only Matthew has noticed anything wrong.
I broke the trust of my friends...one of my dearest friends. You don't know what to think of anything I say anymore. You probably are suspicious even of this. And I have no way to reassure you. Only time can do that now.
I broke my oldest and most sincere promise to myself. For this exact reason, I swore I'd never lie again, so long as I lived. Ten...maybe twelve years? Who knew a lifetime was so short? I cannot even trust myself.
I broke the trust of God. Broke his commandments...betrayed his love...destroyed my witness. You know me...you tell me what that means.
I never thought I'd know this day. Not by my own hand, at least. To be crushed by another is one thing...to destroy one's self is quite another. Even having read this, do you know? I wonder. I hope you can at least begin.
I want it all back. But what was years in the making will be years in the recovering, and I already grieve for what has been lost along the way.
~So writes the Dreamer Today's Portal:
Penned on: Wednesday, April 10, 2002
12:45 a.m.
Who believes the heart denied?
Once too many "wolf" was cried.
Who believes the heart that lied?
No one. It has died.
~So writes the Dreamer Today's Portal: The River
Penned on: Tuesday, April 9, 2002
01:40 p.m.
Hehe...good old Matt. He's funny, he's helpful, he's pious...he's a man I can't help but admire. And now he's diabetic.
You know, I thought I'd had things pretty rough over the last couple of weeks. In a single day, though, my friend's troubles have put mine to shame...and he's dealt with them all far better than I have. Yesterday he went to the doctor, not feeling well. He found out two things:
1) He is now a fully insulin-dependent diabetic.
2) His blood-pressure is dangerously high.
And as if that wasn't bad enough for a single day, he came home to recieve a phone call telling him his aunt is dead. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm not sure I'd still be able to walk after all that. I'm pretty sure I'd have to call in sick from work for the rest of the week, at least.
Not Matthew. He's already dealing with it. Planning his diet, both for this blood-sugar and blood-pressure. Arranging more exercise, which will help both. Praying. Getting on with things, and trusting God to pull him through.
He'll never read this, most likely, but those who do should take note: here is a man who could teach us all a few lessons in how to deal with hard times. Where I would and have been wasting away in self-pity, he's picked himself up and kept right on marching. Say a few prayers for him, if you will. He deserves them.
~So writes the Dreamer Today's Portal: WildFury!!
Penned on: Monday, April 8, 2002
05:59 p.m.
WHOOHOO!! WildFury is coming back!! =^_^= *just had his day made*
~So writes the Dreamer Today's Portal: This Time!
Penned on: Monday, April 8, 2002
01:40 p.m.
*points to the portal* The song is old, but it'll be with me forever. I think it's one of the most inspirational I've ever heard, and it's funny how it keeps coming back to me at times like this.
Anywho, better get back to work now. Take care, everyone! And God bless you!
~So writes the Dreamer Today's Portal: Thief
Penned on: Monday, April 8, 2002
12:38 p.m.
...And it's only by his promise that I'm still going.
Been a disappointing weekend...disappointing week, for that matter. Oddly enough, though, on the whole I'm feeling better.
People wonder what can be so comforting about Christ. I wonder how they can possibly wonder. Ever felt betrayed? One of his best friends turned against him and handed him over for execution. Ever had a friend die? He wept outside the tomb of Lazarus. Ever felt like no one cares and you're all alone? His closest companions slept while he was agonizing over his fate, then fled and left him to it. He knows exactly how it feels to be hated, cursed, misunderstood, turned away, rejected, abused, abandoned, insulted, mocked, slandared...even killed. He knows how it feels to lose a friend or a loved one, to be adored for all the wrong reasons, feared for even more wrong reasons, and condemned for no reason.
And through all of it, his message was, "Come to me." His arms were always open. His eyes always looking out from someone else. To one who actually deserved the cross, he said, "You will be with me." To one rejected by society for his loathesome disease, he touched him and said, "Be healed." To someone trapped by sin he said, "Neither do I condemn you."
How can a heart that open and caring NOT be comforting? He said and did a lot of things to make life easier on those around him, and to bring comfort to everyone who knew him or heard of him. There was no condemnation, except to those who would condemn all others.
He did not demand that anybody love him in return for it. He simply said, "Those who love me will obey my commands." Those who don't...well, what can I say? I wish they knew...
On to less philosophical themes. Friday night I tested for my purple-belt at karate, and I'm pretty sure I passed with flying colors. =^_^= Things are looking up for several of my friends, as well. One has had a father in the hospital: he came home over the weekend. One has been struggling to make ends meet: he got an unexpected bit of money yesterday. One has been having a rough year, emotionally: she got a new pet to help cheer her up. A couple of old friends I haven't heard from in a while unexpectedly e-mailed me out of the blue today to say that all is well with them.
Now that I look at it all, I have to wonder how I've managed to be so down all week. :D Hehe...guess I've gone and gotten ego-centric again. =^_^= Well, time for someone to bust my bubble again. Stupid ego...always causes trouble.
Life is still good...
~So writes the Dreamer Today's Portal: Abandoned
Penned on: Saturday, March 30, 2002
10:24 p.m.
Old Friends
Abandoned...abandoned...everyone's feeling abandoned. Kristin's feeling abandoned...Laura's feeling abandoned...Matthew's feeling abandoned...My parents are feeling abandoned...the only person who hasn't expressed a feeling of abandonment this week is the one who I've really abandoned most, and all he's done is stand beside me and try to correct and encourage me.
My RL friends and family are afraid I'm spending too much time on the computer. My OL friends don't think I'm spending enough. Everyone thinks I'm spending too much time with everyone else. And I worry about them all so much I can't spend enough time with any of them. Thus the problem.
When did I become the center of the world? I've always had an ego, but I was never quite vain enough to think the world really revolved around me. Lately, though, I wonder if something didn't change. Seems like everyone I know is focused on me. When did I become the center of the world...and how the heck do I get back out? -_- I always wanted to be special to someone...always dreamed of meaning something to somebody..."be careful what you wish for," they say, and they're right. I can't handle it. I can't manage time well enough...or priorities, apparently.
Ah well...enough ranting for one night. Whining never fixed anything, though it helps the heart feel a little better. Thank you to the one who understands, though he should be the most upset of all with me. To everyone else...I'm sorry. I'm trying desperately to fix things...but I'm not sure I can. For once, I'm just not sure. Forgive me, if it's at all possible.
~So writes the Dreamer Today's Portal: Bring On The Rain
Penned on: Friday, March 29, 2002
07:42 a.m.
There comes a time, there comes a place,
When pain, at last, must win the race,
And rend the hope to which I cling,
And fill my heart with suffering.
There comes a day, there comes an hour,
I must admit I lack the power
To face the shame, to face the pain,
To even keep my own mind sane.
And in that time, and in that place,
I will still survive by faith.
And in that day, and in that hour,
Remember the wonder of Love's power.
Who would have thought that little poem would return to me so frequently after I wrote it? It'd be a lot more touching if I didn't bring my problems on myself. Repeatedly. :/ Ah well...time to have another go. Some things can be fixed. Some things can't. For those that can, I will work. For those that can't, I will pray.
One by one, I pushed them away,
Those whom I love most,
With foolish words and selfish heart...
And it's no wonder I'm alone.
Past days may go 'round and 'round
But today moves straight ahead.
There's always a new chance tomorrow,
But yesterday, when I failed, is dead.
I stand alone with memories,
Of everything that makes me smile:
Family and dearest friends
I haven't seen for quite a while.
One by one I pushed them away,
Those whom I love most.
With foolish words and selfish heart...
And it's no wonder I'm alone.
How many did I turn
In reaching through the fire?
How many did I burn,
Fulfilling that desire?
All I wanted, all I asked,
Was to be a friend.
All I gave, as each one passed,
Were tears and mournful ends.
One by one, I pushed them away,
Those whom I love most.
With foolish words and selfish heart...
And it's no wonder I'm alone.
~So writes the Dreamer Today's Portal: What Have I Become?
Penned on: Wednesday, March 27, 2002
10:23 a.m.
Speak your mind, look out for yourself.
The answer to it all is a life of wealth.
Grab all you can cause you live just once.
You got the right to do whatever you want.
Don't worry about others or where you came from.
It ain't what you where, it's what you have become.
What about love?
What about God?
What about holiness?
What about mercy,
Compassion,
And selflessness?
What have I become?
A self indulgent person.
What have I become?
Tell me where, is the righteous one?
What have I become?
In a world degenerating..
What have I become?
~Adapted from "What Have We Become," by DC Talk.
Give me a chance,
I want to change my ways.
'Cause I can't live here and look the same.
Let me look up,
Let me look to your face,
And set me in my place, oh Lord...
Set me in my place.
The day is dawning
And I am just rising,
I pray my strength won't fail.
I pray my strength won't fail.
The day is dawning
And I am just rising,
I pray my love won't fail.
I pray my love won't fail.
Give me a chance,
I want to rise above,
And grow in the knowledge of your love.
I want to be
Someone who follows you.
Make my heart like new, oh Lord.
Make my heart like new.
The day is dawning
And I am just rising,
I pray my strength won't fail.
I pray my strength won't fail.
My strength won't fail.
The day is dawning
And I am just rising,
I pray my love won't fail.
I pray my love won't fail.
My love won't fail.
Give me a chance,
I want to change my ways.
'Cause I can't live here and be the same...
~"The Day Is Dawning," by Jill Phillips and Kevin Max.
~So writes the Dreamer Today's Portal: A day of triumph, defeat, and death.
Penned on: Tuesday, March 26, 2002
11:20 p.m.
Today I live again. Tonight I die, as I've never died before. God be with me, forgive me, and let me not be the destruction of those I love. Not anymore.
~So writes the Dreamer Today's Portal: My Heart Dances
Penned on: Monday, March 25, 2002
10:56 a.m.
Hehehe...they may only be e-mails, but a few warm words from a loved-one can do a lot to perk up a rough day. =^_^= Things seem to be going well for just about everyone except me now, so I'm happy. All is once again well my little world. *flutters off to play with butterflies*
~So writes the Dreamer Today's Portal: My Lucky Numbers
Penned on: Friday, March 22, 2002
11:30 a.m.
Well, isn't this interesting? A numerological analysis of me:
Name Analysis: Bryan Alton Johnson
Expression: 1
The Expression number shows us who we truly are, what we came into this life already knowing. This is where we feel most comfortable and how we automatically act. We attract people and situations to us that require our Expression so that they can further evolve. In this way we play the role of teacher. Naturally we are attracted to occupations that we resonate to, so the Expression number can be a strong factor in our choice of a career as well. Our Expression is the vehicle, with all its virtues and vices, that drives us along the path of our Destiny. It is the essence of our identity.
You have an innate ability to get what you want and what you need for your survival. You are primarily concerned about developing the self and acquiring resources for your own enjoyment. Your independence and courageous determination to succeed makes you a good leader, and your unique approach is sure to open the doors to brave new worlds and fascinating discoveries.
Soul Urge: 11
The Soul Urge number has also been called Heart's Desire and Spiritual Urge. It is our secret, innermost longing. Our dream, our motivation, the fuel that energizes our journey. The Soul Urge number reveals what we secretly strive to be or accomplish. Some have said that this number tells us what we have been in previous lifetimes, the accumulated growth of our soul.
You have a direct link to inspiration and can manifest the best life has to offer through your creativity and wise use of the imagination. You inspire others to dream and to make their dreams come true. You have clairvoyant and psychic abilities, which you can develop and use to help others. Sometimes you may feel like you could burst with all of the information and insights you are receiving.
Persona: 8
The Persona number describes the way we appear to the outside world, the first impression people have of us. We may not even be aware of how we are perceived by others because we are so often focused on our inner world, and many times the inner does not match the outer. Persona gives us a peek at some hidden talents we have. The talents that we use to get along in the world and in some instances, protect us from it. It is likened to a bag of tools (jewels) that we carry with us along the way.
There is an air of affluence about you, no matter your station in life. People assume you are in control. You give the impression that you are the best at what you do, so naturally others look to you for leadership. You have an eye for quality and no matter what it takes you dress for success. Designer clothing of the highest quality is certainly your preference. People cluster around you hoping that some of that luck is contagious.
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Natal Analysis: November 7, 1980
Personal Year: 4
Organization, practicality, analysis, and productivity, are the words that describe this time. Now is when the creative drive of the passing 3 vibration needs to be harnessed and directed. Systematic efforts and honest, hard work are sure to pay off if you use this vibration wisely. The number 4 symbolizes Earth and the four directions. It is time to focus on Earthly matters, save for the future, and build a foundation for what is to come. Health of the body, mind, emotions, and spirit is another practical and important undertaking during this time.
Personal Month: 7
This is a good month to read, study and acquire information. Whatever has begun can be perfected now. Start meditating in the mornings. Don't tell anybody what you are working on. Rest up for next month you go public!
Personal Day: 11
Today is a good day to make like an angel and bless somebody! You are inspired and surrounded by white light so wear rainbow colors and listen to your intuition. Spiritual things are flowing smoothly today.
Destiny: 9
The Destiny number describes the life lessons that we have come here to learn. It reveals to us the path we must take, and the role we must play to fulfill our mission. Often our choice of career is based on this vibration, and if not, then it will manifest through avocational pursuits. We may attract people and experiences into our lives that mirror the traits of this number for us, so that we may develop into our highest potential. We don't always welcome our life lessons, so it is a possibility that we may even feel an aversion to the characteristics of our Destiny number in other people, and we may ourselves act the opposite. In spite of the many ways we may choose to react to this force within us, we have been gifted with all of the talents and energy needed to fulfill our Destiny.
You contain all of the qualities of the humanitarian. Patient, wise and compassionate, you love in a way that can choose no favorites. You are here to love and to serve all equally and without prejudice. Others are drawn to you as a role model and it is your responsibility in life to be the embodiment of integrity, wisdom and inspiration. You are attracted to the fine arts and philosophy and you seem to have a direct line to higher wisdom. You will always receive all that you need. It is important that you focus your attention on service.
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Cycles
The destiny is divided into 3 great cycles, each governing us for specific durations throughout our life. The Seed cycle begins at birth and colors our experiences through childhood and adolescence. During the year nearest our 28th birthday, we move into the Fruit cycle which remains throughout the middle part of our life until the year nearest our 56th birthday, and the Harvest cycle carries on from there. Taken all together, the cycles show us our particular path that will lead to the fulfillment of our destiny.
Seed: 11
When the 11 is the seed cycle, it reduces to a 2, which is a much more manageable energy for a child. This produces a very emotional, shy child, who is ever willing to help and serve. If the 11 energy is attempted, the child could see the the world as surreal, or unfriendly. Psychic or empathic abilities are probably very strong, and modes of self-protection are being formed that could last the whole life through. Forgiveness is an important attitude to cultivate now.
Fruit: 7
This is a period of quiet introspection, study and rest. There are likely to be many bookshelves filled during this time of intellectual and spiritual discovery. Law and physics as the underlying foundation of life are studied, and profound realizations emerge. Technical writing, teaching, law or any kind of scientific research is strongly supported now. Everything needed comes to you when you stop looking for it.
Harvest: 9
This is a time for humanitarian efforts, and philanthropy. You have plenty of opportunities for learning, philosophising and teaching what you've acquired as understanding through experience. Artistic or literary pursuits are successful now.
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Pinnacles
The four pinnacles reveal the high spots or heights of attainment that we are likely to encounter as we move along the path of our life. The 1st pinnacle lasts from birth to around age 28. The 2nd pinnacle lasts for 9 years after that. the 3rd pinnacle lasts 9 more years, and the 4th pinnacle carries on through the rest of our life. The peak of the pinnacle is reached during the next 1 personal year. Pinnacles are like sudden inheritances from a benevolent aunt, they can transform the prevailing energies completely and suddenly. It is useful to look ahead and prepare for our pinnacles so that we can maximize their gifts to us and shape them into the most positive manifestation.
First Pinnacle: 9
Inspiration is very accessible now and works of genius can be born. This is a time for self-less service and working for the good of all. As the 1st pinnacle, 9's are often romantic seekers of the "perfect love". Poets, dreamers, and prophets.
Second Pinnacle: 7
This is a period of rest, contemplation, and philosophizing. There is a desire to dig deep into the mysterious recesses of self and ancient knowledge. Intuition and receptivity to the inner voice is very strong now and you are aware that little or no effort or action is required in the usual sense, everything flows into place in perfect timing.
Third Pinnacle: 7
By choice, you may prefer to be alone or with someone of like nature and interests. It is not a time for socializing, but rather contemplation, analysis and philosophizing. Your depth of focus can lead you to uncharted territories of mind and spirit.
Fourth Pinnacle: 11
Legacies and inheritances may come to you now, however, it is not the time for any kind of commercial pursuit. Now is the time to harness the high vibrational energies surrounding you and channel them into something useful that benefits all. Invention and inspiration are yours for the asking.
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Challenges
The three challenges show us the major influences demanding our attention during specific sections of our lifetime. The 1st challenge influences the years from birth to age 28. The 2nd challenge takes over from age 28 to 52, and the third affects us our whole life. Challenges shape our attitudes and can affect our health. These vibrations that challenge us, cause either an exaggeration of the associated qualities or a lack of them, both of which are extremes which need to be brought into balance.
First Challenge: 5
As children, 5's are sometimes raised in non-traditional settings or by parent's with non-traditional values about sex, freedom and stimulants. The child either learns by example to explore and "go with the flow" or they are stifled or abused in some way that makes them want to block the experiences out or run away. In this way the 5 teaches themselves to detach from people and situations when they begin to feel stifled. A way to balance this is found in the 4 and the 6, focus and depth with the willingness to trust in the power of love.
Second Challenge: 2
This is the challenge of sensitivity and self-sacrifice. Two's look for needs to be filled in others and attempt to fill those needs while ignoring their own, all with the hope that someone will take care of them in return. It is possible that a two challenger can manifest just the opposite as well and be preoccupied with their own needs, feelings, desires, beliefs to the point that other people are only here to fill their endless requirements. Balance is found between the independence of 1 and the self-expression of 3.
Third Challenge: 3
The 3 is the challenge of expression. It is telling us to stop standing in the corner and to get out in the limelight. Dance, sing, paint, write, act, laugh and shower our gifts of creative inspiration on all the people around us. Those with the 3 challenge are usually shy or unsure of their talents and afraid of criticism. Personal appearance is also an issue with this challenge, as insecurity about one's appearance can lead to too much or too little emphasis upon it. A balance needs to be found between extravagance and mousiness, and it helps to remember that other people are much too concerned about themselves to be judging our looks or talents very seriously.
~So writes the Dreamer Today's Portal: Dancer in the Fire - Paul Brady
Penned on: Thursday, March 21, 2002
09:57 a.m.
*sigh* Surprises come from the strangest places. The other day, my mother said something about how hard it's always been for me to let people go. I never have taken it well. Even a friend just moving to another town half-an-hour down the road would leave me crying for days. And it's true. Got me to thinking. I even talked about it with another couple of friends of mine last night, just trying to see if I was simply being paranoid. All accounts agree. I've got issues with abandonment.
Sounds silly, doesn't it? The sort of thing you usually hear in cartoons or sitcoms when someone's being mellow-dramatic or playing for sympathy. Wish that's what I was doing. :P Maybe it is, and I just don't realize it myself. It's not intentional, at any rate. But it is problematic.
I can't let go, even of the people I really ought to. I'd sooner face the abuse than leave. I'd sooner face death than feel that I've abandoned anyone I consider a friend. On the whole I think that's a good thing, but it causes a lot of trouble sometimes. Hehe...life's complicated, no?
Lots of questions, and the answers are always slow in coming. Lots of things that need to be done, but little courage to do them. God keep me.
~So writes the Dreamer Today's Portal: Sorry. Going nowhere today.
Penned on: Saturday, March 16, 2002
06:16 p.m.
So here I sit and here I sing
Of many a heart-felt, unseen thing.
It's been a while since last I spoke,
Since something here inside felt broken,
God, forgive me for the things I do
In ignorant defiance of you,
Things I say but don't really mean,
And try to cover by false seeming.
How long have I woven this web of 'white' lies,
Attempting to protect their eyes
From seeing what they've always feared,
And trying to lift their hearts with cheerfulness.
The truth is I make many mistakes,
And Heaven knows what it will take,
To untangle this great web I've spun
Without losing every one of them.
Well...was a good weekend up until a couple of hours ago. School begins again on Monday, but that suddenly seems hardly worth worrying about. God has blessed me all week. Kept his hand close to me. And am I grateful? I would like ot say yes, but my conscience won't let me.
Bah...I have a good life. I take a lot of it for granted. Why do I make these foolish mistakes? Well, there's at least one question I can answer: pride. Sometimes pity. More often pride. Sometimes I don't tell the truth because I'm afraid of what it will do to my friends. To hurt them is to crush myself. So I try to avoid it. There is the time I lie in pity. And there is the time I become a fool.
I don't suppose I'm any less a fool when I lie in pride. People hold me in high regard. I don't want to disappoint them. There's too much disappointment in their lives already. I want to show them the good things I've seen all my life which somehow their eyes never found. I want them to know what hope feels like. Peace and trust. But I'm only human, and I do fail. And again I cover it. Try to hide it, so they won't be disappointed and I can still hold my head up high.
Bah. Fool. In doing that, I destroy my very goal. How can I show them trustworthiness if I'm not trustworthy? How can I show them peace when I'm walking a tightrope of tension? What kind of idiot AM I?!
In all the time since I accepted Christ, he's never disappointed me. Even life in general became much less disappointing. More worthwhile, meaningful, and even fun. I wanted to show that to them. Let them see.
So why do I turn traitor in the attempt, every time?
And why am I putting all this on the web, for the people in question and the world in general to see? Because confession is the first step to repentence, forgiveness, and making amends. If any of my fellow Christians are reading this, please pray for me. If any of the people I've lied to are reading this...please forgive me.
~So writes the Dreamer Today's Portal: BestBoards message-boards
Penned on: Thursday, March 14, 2002
12:45 p.m.
*found a great new link for those who, like himself, are addicted to message-boards but can't afford to actually pay for a high-quality program* Gotta love this site. Best of the best I've ever found. :) *LOL* People around the office here are gonna think I went out and got drunk during lunch! XD I don't know what it is...maybe it's the fact that it's a bright, sunny day and I'm actually warm for a change. Maybe it's because everything is coming together all of a sudden, for some strange reason. Maybe it's just because I've inhaled a little too much oxygen. *snicker* Maybe it's the hand on God on my shoulder. =^_^= I have no idea WHAT it is, but I am feeling GREAT today!! :D Don't you just love days like this? When everything feels bright and wonderful even if there's still some shadows around in patches? =^_^= I do. *skips off to find a balloon*
~So writes the Dreamer Today's Portal: God Bless America!
Penned on: Wednesday, March 13, 2002
11:07 p.m.
Oh yes! Some nice parallels can be drawn between my previous post and the war between patriots and anti-patriots all over America at the moment. =^_^= Once more, the irony is incredible: they whine about our flag, anthems, motto, and a hundred other things...yet they insist on living here.
Isn't it grand? =^_^= They hate us so much, but we've got it so good they can't bear to part with us. XD Buncha malcontents...
*finishes his rant/laughs for the day, he thinks*
~So writes the Dreamer Today's Portal: Hell - Who said you have to wait until you die to get there?
Penned on: Wednesday, March 13, 2002
10:51 p.m.
Mmm...think I just had the first real fire-ball on my forum. It looks like it's dieing down now, which is good. I just hope these pagans (sorry: 'atheists') don't bring a bunch of their friends around. :P
And of course they're probably complaining on their own little board about how 'intolerant' and 'close-minded' we Christians are. Ironic how that works, no? They can slam your beliefs from every angle, ignore the evidence you lay at their feet, speak every form of blasphemy they can think of for no other reason than to spite you, and then they call you close-minded and intolerant for failing to agree with them. Hehe...suddenly we realize where the old 'takes one to know one' phrase came from. ;)
Ah well, guess I can't really complain. Ever since Cain slew Abel, people have always been jealous of God's favored people. =^_^= And the perks are more than enough to make-up for the pains. *dances off to sing somewhere*
~So writes the Dreamer Today's Portal: His Eyes
Penned on: Tuesday, February 26, 2002
03:57 p.m.
Times like this, I find it strange how calm I am. Everything's falling apart around me, but it's like there's a voice whispering, "Everything's okay. This isn't your world anyway. When you come home, you can relax." I wish my friends knew about this. There's a lot of them who need it, and I always manage to royally mess up my attempts to explain it. Ah well...hopefully someday...in the mean-time, thank God for what he does.
~So writes the Dreamer Today's Portal: None
Penned on: Tuesday, February 26, 2002
03:33 p.m.
You know what? School gets in the way of a lot of things. It wouldn't be so bad if we weren't required to go...if we could just because we WANTED to. But they make us, and that takes a lot of the fun out of it. They also make us take a ton of classes we have no interest in, and which are by-and-large useless to us even in the long-run. Why? All it does is promote some heavy burn-out.
Which is exactly where I am right now. Burnt out like a candle lit three days ago. I've been burnt out ever since my senior year of high-school, and now even the smoke is starting to dissipate. My parents don't know it, but my last semester was the final little puff from the wick. All C's except for one F. This semester I won't even be able to manage that. I just don't have the concentration for it anymore.
Failing a semester or two wouldn't be so bad...heck, I'd love to just take one semester off and then have another go at it for my degree...except for a few facts attached to it that make life rather hard for me. 1) The minute I cease to be a full-time student OR the day I turn 23, I come off my father's insurance, which means my diabetic supplies will start costing my family about $500 a month. Yeah...ouch... 2) If my GPA drops any lower than it is at present (and it's very likely that it will), then I'll be searching for a new job. Internships are great, but they ARE GPA-dependent. And if I lose my job now, I'll have a hard time paying for my next semester of school. I can't work here as a full-time employee without a degree, so if the GPA doesn't come up and I can't afford my last semester or two then I'll be getting a job with far worse pay and longer work-hours. Not fun. 3) My parents have never asked much of me, and do a whole lot for me. About they only thing they've ever really required is decent grades. Until the last few years I was quite capable and happy to give them that. Now, though...well, the obvious has been stated many times already. I don't want to disappoint them. I hate seeming ungrateful for everything they've done for me (and believe me, they have done a LOT...as much as they bug me sometimes, I thank God for them at every chance, and consider them one of the greatest blessings in my life).
So school, right now, is a real pain. I hope for a little sunshine tomorrow.
~So writes the Dreamer Today's Portal: Everybody Needs a Little Time Away
Penned on: Friday, February 22, 2002
12:19 p.m.
Hmmm...a seldom used thing, this pita. Well, might as well add at least one entry.
It's been a very enlightening week. Kinda rough on the spirit. I need to take a break and get a few things straight...like my priorities.
I don't suppose anyone who actually knows me will be reading this, but if you are, don't worry too much. I always pull through these things, and usually come out the better for it. Just don't be surprised if I'm not around much over the next few days. Say a little prayer for me, and I'll be back before you know it.
~So writes the Dreamer Today's Portal: First Entry!
Penned on: Wednesday, January 30, 2002
09:11 p.m.
Heyla! =^_^= Well, this is my first entry here, and I'm still trying to figure some of this thing out, but it should grow pretty quickly. :) So...um...I guess that's it for now. *goes off to decorate journal*
And just for the record:
Dreamer is feeling 
~So writes the Dreamer
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