Wednesday, September 27, 2000
12:08 a.m.

My grandmother thinks that Katy and I are lesbians.
"Are y'all going to live like two girls?"
Uhmm..no..

That was interesting.

Josh has yet to email me back. I'm not bitter, just a little sad. I called Matt- yeah, I know, shame on me. I'm a nerd, though. I told him about Mamaw. He laughed.

Daddy is in the hospital. Two kidney stones. Will he ever catch a break? Sometimes I fear he won't.

Oh, Jessica called me from Colorado. It's nice to hear from her. I was supposed to call her back- whoops. But Katy said she tried calling, and she didn't answer, so that makes me feel a little less bad.

Daryl said he has a present for me in the mail. I have his presents waiting for the mail. I have a letter and all- his birthday was nearly a month ago. I'm so far behind with Birthdays though- Jessica still hasn't gotten her present. One big Christmas present will do. Katy is still waiting ever so patiently on hers, as well:)

Speaking of Kate- we cut her hair today. It looks good. I was scared, because I've never cut anyone's hair, barbies don't count, apperently.

I wrote a note to the cute Blockbuster guy. Katy went back in to give it to him. Yes, I am a stalker/nerd/loser. Nice to meet you too.

This is just a brief of my lovely day. Being called a lesbian, being a stalker, cutting hair, stalking yet again, and buying tampons. Wow- the fun doesn't end in my life.

TWO MORE DAYS

Tuesday, September 26, 2000
10:35 a.m.

I was driving home from Katy's lastnight and decided to call Matt on the long drive home. He was drunk and high, as usual. I told him I had his pillow and t-shirt in the back of my car, still and asked if he wanted me to drop it off. He said he would love for me to stop by, so I did. While I was in his room, I sat down on at his computer to check my email and I saw a tape cassette case beside it.
"My love, here are songs that remind me of you. I wish I could take the pain away, all the hurt, I'm sorry for what's happened- I miss you. I love you." The first thing that runs through my mind is Tanise. They've gotten back together. Who else would write him a note like that for a mixed tape? That bastard! Why would he leave me for someone that fucked his bestfriend? I could barely hold back the tears. I opened up the tape and inside read, "Jill, will you ever forgive me?" I closed the tape so fast. My heart sunk deep into the bottom of my stomach. I wanted to scream, to cry, to run to him and hug him, to hit him in the face as hard as I possibly could. But I only sat there, hearing this song...the alarm was going off.

I woke up this morning telling myself I have to stop having these dreams. These dreams where Matt comes running back to me, wanting, pleading to have me in his life again.
We're never going to be together again, Jill. Never. Get it out of your mind! Never!!

Josh emailed me yesterday. He's back from Chicago. It was his first time flying. He loved it. Honestly, though, who wouldnt love it? It's the best feeling that I have ever had, being in the air- above all my worries and pain. It's like a drug. I'm dying to go somewhere else.
He's so funny, and really sweet. I was telling him about how I used to make people sit on my feet, because they are always cold. He said something about his favorite hobby is sitting on people's feet. It was cute, honestly.

Well, it's only 10:48 now- I think I'll take a nap. I know, how productive can one girl get?

xoxox.jill

Monday, September 25, 2000
02:48 p.m.

I need to make this super fast. I'm talking to Kiala on ICQ- I miss that girl! Anyhow- I need to take a shower, I'm running late- but what's new? Matt keeps coming into my mind nonstop. It's really annoying. I've been realizing though, it's not so much him that I miss, I just miss being that comfortable with someone. I miss the relationship part. I hope that over time we can have that friendship back. It was really nice to have someone like him to trust.

BLAH! I'm going to go. Talk to y'all later:)
xoxo.jill

Monday, September 25, 2000
02:58 a.m.

So, I've been up all night at Katy's working on her beautiful page: Warning: Serious Laughing Content (SLC) Viewer Discretion is Advised. Yeah, she's gonna have to shorten that name. Go check it out, and send her love. It's going to be a lovely page:)

xoxo.jill

Saturday, September 23, 2000
10:49 p.m.

picture of josh. Yes- I am now, officially a stalker!

Saturday, September 23, 2000
10:36 p.m.

Matt called me. What a surprise. He said he saw me come into Buffalo's and realized that he hadn't talked to me in a while and thought he'd call. What a sweetheart.

The more I talked with him the less it hurt. He told me about doing steroids again, how he huffed something or another the other day at his new job. Told me about some other things that made me happy not to be envolved. Of course I still miss him. Of course part of me always will. I just feel like I'm getting closure right now. Maybe I am going through my bitter time now- maybe I'm just realizing how different the two of us really were. I do deserve someone better. I want someone better- someone who doesn't destroy their body with all those chemicals and drugs. Someone who is going to treat me well, and will treat themselves well, too. That's what's important.

Things will get better, and my heart will heal. It always has after breakups. I'm a big, strong girl- and I can deal with whatever is thrown into my path. I have God, I have my family, and I have my friends. I will always have them- and that's all I'll ever need.

Have a great night.
xoxo.jill

Saturday, September 23, 2000
07:27 p.m.

6 days

Katy is getting a journal on pitas or diaryland. Not sure yet.

I emailed Josh a cute and long email. He's such a cutie. I'll jack his picture off of yahoo and post it here.

I have been sneezing so much lately. It's ridiculous.

I'm grounded tonight. I am grouned. I'm almost 18 years of age and my parents grounded me. I feel like I'm 12.

Yesterday I was going through all my emails, and I ran across a trillion of Matt's emails to me. The more I read, the more I felt sorry for myself. After I was finished, I wrote him an unsent letter.

Matt-
I gave you my heart and you threw it away. I gave you everything that I had but it wasn't evough. It was so hard for me to trust you- but I told myself that you were different- you wouldnt hurt me. You'd always be here for me. I don't understand why you stopped loving me. Maybe if I wouldn't have gone to Colorado you would still love me? How did this happen? Overnight? One day we were making love. Holding each other and missing you. The next time I see you, though, You don't even touch me. You tell me that want more for me than you can give. Bull Shit. You tell Angela at work that you don't love me anymore. DO you have any idea how much that hurts? Do you?! I gave ou everything and it was never enough. Give back that $500 present. Give back all those great nights. Give back all of my heart. Give it all back. I hate that you made me trust you. I hate that you broke my heart. I hope someday you'll realize what you had- and see what you are missing. I will love someone as much I loved you, someday. The next time, though, it'll be so much better. Because the next time- he will love me like I loved you.
I hope you'll find what you're looking for someday.
-Jill 09/22/00

Maybe I'm going through my bitter phase now. Maybe I'm just being childish. I still care so much for him, so it makes it nearly impossible for me to stay mad at him. I still wish nothing but happiness for him and I pray that he'll find what he's looking for. I just wish it were me.

xoxo.jill

Friday, September 22, 2000
02:34 p.m.

Tom Jones and the Cardigans are rocking my winamp at the moment.

I stayed with Katy lastnight and the night before. We stayed in her new house. I'm nearly positive that it's haunted. But it's brand new, so it hasn't had time to have a past, yet.

Dawson called a trillion and two times lastnight. I feel bad about blowing him off all the time. I just don't like the kid, that's all. He's nice, he's just not my type, at all. I need someone just a little more laid back- but someone I can joke around with. Someone I can be sweet and romantic with- but not feel all cheesed out. It's tough being me, I tell you.

A few months ago, this guy from MTSU emailed me at my yahoo account. I never check that, but I did for some reason a few weeks ago. I emailed him back, appologizing for my lengthy delay, and told him to write back if he'd like. Well, he did, and many emails later, we're getting to be good friends. He asked in his email lastnight if I'd like to meet him on campus for lunch or something. I said that would be wonderful, and we'll shoot for a Tuesday or Thursday so Katy can come with me. I saw a picture of him. He's a cutie. He doesn't drink, smoke, do any drugs. He goes to church. He's a good guy. Something I really need. I'm tired of dating all the loser boys. The ex-crack heads. The pot heads, the alcholics. I don't understand why it is so difficult for me to find a good Christian boy. Well, other than the fact that I don't hang out with Good Christian people. Maybe, though, through Josh I can find my way back to God. Maybe he's going to lead me, or help me see my wrongs. Hrm, who knows? I like to read too much into things, though.

Well, its Friday. 7 more days til my birthday. I'm not as excited as I thought I would be. I'll be getting kicked off my mom's medical insurence in one year. My parent's loose the $600 a month for my dad's disability because I'm 18 now. Loosing $600 a month is going to be rough. Mom said to look out for it. Basically, my parents are going to be broke- but still have to support Amy, Brooke, Stephen and myself. If I get this job at Applebee's- I'm going to give my parents as much money as I can. They've given everything they could for us- and we've been nothing but ungrateful.

Boosh, I'm gonna jet. Have a good weekend.
xoxo.jill

Wednesday, September 20, 2000
05:01 p.m.

jseldes@hotmail.com wrote in my guestbook (which doesn't seem to want to show new entries):
"How can you call yourself a Southern Baptist when you're out having premarital sex and getting drunk?"
Very lovely question, indeed, if I may say so myself. The answer is pretty simple. I am a Christian. I g ave my life to God when I was 7. I was brought into the the southern baptist church then. I still have membership to a Southern Baptist church. I do things that are not right- and I sin more than other, less than others- but that doesn't matter. I am not perfect, and I never will be. You are not perfect and you never will be, either. I'm having alot of fun, and this fun isn't exactly kosher with the church. That's okay with me right now. I have alot of growing to do, spiritually. When I feel it's time to straighten up, I shall. Until then, I'll party, and I'll have fun. Also- I'd like to add that I'm not out having premarital sex. I was- but I'm not anymore. I'm no longer in a relationship, and I don't have random sex.

So, that's my letter's to the editor section.

Things have been insane. I need a job. I have $4.00 to last me until the 29th. 9 more days. Whoo.

This girl said I sound like a 14 year old. Oh please, boost my self esteem, just a tad? Thanks. I've lost my way, and I need to find my way home. Three more long, horrible months until I move out of this house. It couldnt go any slower. Thursday's on 107.5- you can wil 10,000 dollars. How lovely would that be? I wouldn't be so terribly stressed about money then. Just for a little bit, anyways.

I still miss Matt tons. More than I would like.
All that I am
is all I can give
but with or without you
my life I must live
-Ben Harper

Sunday, September 17, 2000
07:35 p.m.

Thursday night was alot of fun. We went to UC- which we haven't done for a while. (Seeing as I don't like Ray and Dave anymore.) Katy and I went over there and we sat around watching all the guy drink. What fun is that? I asked Mike if I could have three beers, and I would pay him back- he said sure. Mike and I played drinking fussball. Everytime he made it in, I had to drive 5 seconds. Everytime I made it in, he had to drink 1 second. I know- it doesn't seem that fair, however he'd been drinking for two hours and I was only starting my first. A few hours later, I was feeling grand.

The brief story of that night- Jacob said I had a big butt- I got mad. Travor and I went to his room and were talking about Katy hooking up with Dace- Jacob thought we were having sex- called me out on it- I got very upset and when alcholic beverages are in my system and someone upsets me, then that usually means tears. Jacob appologized, he was like, "I know you're telling the truth- I'm sorry, I just assumed that you and Travor were up there doing other stuff..." BUAH! I got in the car with Mike- and I was just streaming with tears. I calmed down and then Jacob was supposed to get a ride with Mike- but he wouldnt get in the car. Anyways, Mike and I went back up to 236 and went to sleep.

I found Katy at 133, on the chair- Travor was asleep two feet away from his room with his Keys in the Keyhole. Apparently he passed out.

I came home, took a nap, and then Katy came over after work. We went to Applebees. Hot boys everywhere! I was planning on going to Hickory Hollow with Dawson. So that shot my friday night to hell. To give you the short story. I so don't like Dawson anymore. He's so full of himself and he's cheesey. I don't deal well with the cheese. Candles, roses, cheesey music. That's cute when you're in love- but not when you just meet someone. Sorry, that's just not my cup of tea.

I came home, and went to bed. But hey- I got a dozen roses out of it.

Yesterday I slept til 2 or so, and Kate came over after work. We went to Hickory Hollow Mall to find cute clothes for the KA party. I started feeling dizzy and having sharp pains in my side. We get home, and I'm getting sweaty and feeling really hot. I take my temperature- 102.1. Yeah, doesn't look like I'm going anywhere. I missed the KA party. A trillion people called asking where I was. That was sweet, but not when I'm dying and trying to sleep. 5:30am, Travor calls and tells me to come over. Sorry, hun, but not at 5:30 in the morning. Bless his little heart- I told him that he's too drunk- especially if he's trying to get a booty call from me! I told him to go to bed. He was like, I hope you feel better, bye baby. See ya Travor.

I've slept all day today.

I'm completely gross- completely funky- but my fever is gone.

xoxo.jill

Thursday, September 14, 2000
02:57 p.m.

I'm making the Nelly CD and eating chicken fettecine- home made, by me. It's nearly three. I'm still in my pajamas. I'm having a rough day. I owe $407 to my dad. Plus another $50 for the mailbox. I get to have the pleasure of paying the deductable. Whoo.

I have to do all my laundry, clean my room, and find a job in the next twentyfour hours. I dont see this happening right now.

Dawson and I went bowling lastnight. College bowl- from 9-12, $8.00 for as many games as you'd like. I beat him. Only because I rock.

I don't know what my feelings are for him. I just have this strange feeling when I think about all this.
"He's not Matt...but no one will ever be Matt. You have to get over him, Jill. It's only been a month, though. Then why are you trying to get into another relationship if you're not ready? Will I ever be ready?"
It's just an endless cycle of weird emotions swarming through my brain.

Of course then there's Mike. He's funny, easy to get along with. A smart ass, which is always a plus. He's a great guy and i love hanging out with him over at Ray and Dave's.

I just want to have fun, but I don't want to hurt anyone.

Dawson said that he likes to spend time with me, and that he would like to spend more time with me, if that's okay with me. I love hanging out with him. I like it when he's around. Do I trust him? No. Do I trust any guys right now? No. I just wish he'd slow down a little. Everytime I'm with him, I feel like all he wants is to get me alone and make out. I just want to talk sometimes, I want to find out more about him. I want to take things alot slower than I did with Matt. As long as I keep those feeling bottled up, I'll be alright.

Gabe called me from NY lastnight. It was so good to hear his voice! I never thought I would miss him as much as I do. He holds a huge place in my heart and he always will. I hope he's having a great time up there. I hope that NY will treat him well. I hope that I can go up there to visit:)

I need to get going. Be good.
xoxo.jill

Tuesday, September 12, 2000
02:59 p.m.

Katy and I met up with Dawson at Opry Mills. We walked around, kinda did some shopping, and then ate at the Rain Forest Cafe'. When we were leaving, we were talking with our server, Cindi. She was saying that her ex-husband just wasn't putting much effort into her kids and that they've had it pretty rough the last while. Before she said anything, Katy and I had left an $18.00 tip. She's moving up to CO, and we were telling her how beautiful it is up there. You know how you meet some people in your life- and they make a difference- no matter how small? She's one of those people that I'll remember for a while, I'm sure.

After dinner, we went back to Dawson's house and met up with his friend Jesse. We sat at the pool house for a while, then went up on this hill in Brentwood. You can see all the city lights. It's really pretty. The stars were shinning so brightly, and the moon was full. Dawson and I just layed there on the hill looking up at the stars. It was very nice. The moon was casting this beautiful rainbow glow around the clouds. It was awesome, completely amazing. Dawson and I just layed there, with our arms around each other, looking up at the heavens.

I don't know where this all is headed. I'm not really sure where I want it to go. I do like him. he's a very sweet guy. He's so artistic. He showed me some pieces he's done out of soap stone. He's very talented. I would buy his work if I saw it in a store. He's really gifted and he has a bright future. I'm caught in the middle- and I don't know where I want to go.

He might be coming down to the Boro tonight. Maybe we'll go out, maybe we'll just chill here.

Right now I'm just so scared to let my heart be touched. It took me a while to trust Matt, and give him all I had- and I know that even though he does love me and he does care about me- I still got hurt. Dawson is the first guy that I've kissed and just thought about him, and not Matt. I just want to take things very slow, and take our time in everything. I just need to let Dawson know this. I need to know what he wants out of this, basically.

Love has no direction
cause love has no aim
love can leave you
as fast as she came

All that I am
is all I can give
but with or without you
my life I must live
-Ben Harper

Monday, September 11, 2000
01:03 p.m.

Saturday night we had a keg party for Katy's birthday. Lots of fun. We played circle of death. Kurtis and Mike played three times. After the first time I played, I was like "see you boys later- I'm cutting myself off from this game." It was rough. I had like four cups of beer in the matter of half an hour. For me, anyways, its gonna be a rough night if I kept that up.

I met this really cool guy, Dawson, that night. We hung out, got beer out of the keg together and talked. He didn't even try to kiss me. I left Kurtis' house after the keg floated and Katy and I went to Dave and Ray's (D-Love and Snar- Jersey Boys). Ray and I kissed! I'm pretty sure though, nothing is going to happen out of that. Lastnight he totally ignored me when we went over there. Anyhow- I stayed there for an hour or so, hanging out. Then Dave C. and I played Fussball against Ray and this new guy Jacob (who showed me his penis in the parking lots....long story). Dave and I kicked some massive tush (actually Dave did...I just stood there like the cool girl I am). After that I went on the search of Katy again. Somehow I wound up in front of another apartment- where Dawson was at. I got a cigerette from someone and then Dawson came down and we talked. I found Katy, and we went up there. She used the bathroom and then pretty much jetted. Dawson and I went back to his brother's apartment closer to my side of town and chilled there for about two hours. His brother was having a party. We were all in his brother's room and they were all smoking weed. I just sat there on the bed talking to Dawson. Somehow everyone started to leave and then the next thing I knew, Dawson and I were all alone. We were still just talking, as if everyone were still there. It was nice. Then he smiled and I smiled, he asked if he'd be too forward if to ask for a kiss. I said not at all, and that I would really like that. We kissed. It was this amazingly powerful kiss, too. One you can feel deep in your stomache.

Let me tell you a bit about Dawson. He lives in Brentwood. About 40 minutes away- shorter if you take the interstate. He's 18- graduated from HS last May, I believe. He's taking a semester off right now and working. He likes the same old music that I grew up listening to. He lives with his mom. His parent's are divorced and his dad lives in Alabama, which he wants to take me there. His grandparents have a beach house at Gulf Shores. He has amazing blue eyes, and kinda long blonde hair. His smile could light up any room, and he gives great hugs. He's about a foot or less taller than I am, and he's a great kisser. He loves art- and he sculpts. He was showing me a few things he made for his brother. He said he wanted to sculpt me naked. I told him- sure, after my boob job.

We stayed up all night together- talking and holding each other. We went to Waffle House and he said I'm the only person he's ever met that drinks lemmon with thier coke. He took me back to UC to get Katy- but she walked half way down their stairs, then turned around and went back up them. She doesnt even remember. Before I left- Dawson got my number, and I got all 3 of his. I went home- went to sleep and got up at 1:00 to go and pick her up.

I paged him lastnight- but he called back after Katy and I went out to eat. I paged him again, and he called back around 1am. I talked to him til a quater or so til 3. We're going out tonight, and we'll see what happens. He kept telling me that all he could think about was me yesterday. He had such an awesome day thinking about me. He's so cute.

Well, it's nearly 1:30- I have things I should be doing. Such as- finding a new job. I say that laughing, too. Anyways, I'll write tomorrow, or maybe later tonight- depending on how later goes:)

love ya kiddies- xoxo.jill

Saturday, September 9, 2000
08:32 p.m.

The Big Wu rocks my winamp at the moment. Kangaroo song- is awesome. Ray(Jersey Boy), turned me on to them. A band out of Chicago I believe.

Lastnight sucked. Enough said.

Today is Katy's birthday! The big 18! She rocks! 20 more days until my Birthday! You guys can send presents:)

We're having a kegger for her tonight. Lots and lots of fun fun fun!:)

I talked to Kiala for like two minutes lastnight. Her phone went dead or something, but i had to jet. She probably thinks I'm mega bitch- apperently that was the vibe I was giving out lastnight, anyways.

Gotta take a shower, gotta get sexy tonight. Ray is mine! haha, probably not, though.

Go download the big wu- kangaroo, off of napster!

bye y'all! xoxo.jill

Friday, September 8, 2000
09:25 p.m.

The altenator in my car blew yesterday. Daddy had to buy me a new one and put it in. I am so broke. Today I ran smack dab into the mailbox like a dumb bitch. Plus I locked my keys in the car.

Needless to say, it's been a rough week.

But it's Friday night and I'm gonna get tore up from the floor up, as Kate says. We're going to UC tonight.

It's weird how when you have a crush on someone it makes it more difficult to flirt with them..or maybe it's just me. I was showing my darn nifty flexible skills to Ray (Jersey Boy), and he kept grabbing my leg and making it cross over his legs...I just wanted to throw him down and be like "Bitch, you're mine!" hahah...but I wouldnt do that, ever...

Katy is here. Y'all have a great weekend!

xoxo.jill

Tuesday, September 5, 2000
02:34 p.m.

I've been working with only three and a half hours in me for the past two days. Today I quit my job. I love my job- and it sucks, but I couldn't stay there today, and Amanda was being her usual bitchy self. Oh well, they don't have a day hostess anymore. Sucks for them.

I'm eating milk and cookies right now. I just noticed that the "M" key is rubbed almost completely off.

I went with Wes to dinner lastnight. Well, we just went to Buffalo's because I had to pick Katy up from work. I met him at the KA after party on Ewing ST. He's the biggest smartass, other than myself, that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Katy and I went back to his house after dinner and hung out. Whoo, lots of fun. He wanted me to stay longer, but I couldnt. We had to bust a move to the homefront. I told him I'd call when I got out of work. He gets out of class at about the same time I would- if I still worked at Buffalo's. I guess I will since Katy is going out with some guy tonight. Put-Put golf- oh yeah.

I want to go to the KA formal. It's in New Orleans this year. How awsome would that be? An entire weekend down there. Pretty sure I'd need a fake ID- but first, pretty sure someone would have to ask me. Wes, anyone?

I'm gonna go. I have a trillion things to do. Take care, y'all.
xoxo.jill

Sunday, September 3, 2000
05:48 p.m.

Hi. My name is Jill, and I am an acholic.

No, not really. I only had 2 zimas, one beer, and two shots of tekillme (tequila).
Lastnight was so much fun. It's alot different with out Jessica going to the parties, but it's not a bad different at all. Okay, so I talked to her for like five minutes today. She's changed so drastically. It's been two weeks. She's had sex with some dude up there.
"I'm moving so far away. No one knows me up there. No one knows who I've been with, and what I've done. I'm starting over in Colorado. I'm not going to just sleep with people to have sex."
Bet you couldnt guess who that quotes from?

Anyways, I saw Jameson again. I love that boy. But we all know this.

We wound up staying at Griff's apartment lastnight. Whoo- fun. We should have gone to Chad's but whatever.

Have you ever not wanted to do something with someone, but they keep trying to, so you just think to yourself "they'll leave me alone if I just do this..." Okay, well, maybe I'm just a hooker, but Griff kept trying to kiss me, so I kissed him so he'd leave me alone. I didn't really want to, seeing as I don't really like him other than just a friend. Whatever though, he was super drunk so maybe he wont remember and it wont be weird. Blah Blah, though.

To end this mindless ramble. I'm enjoying being single. I didn't think I would like it this much. I can do whatever I want with whom ever I want whenever I want. It's great, and I love it. No really, I do.

be safe, be good. I need a shower to get this beer out of my hair. We're going to UC to watch the Titans game.
GO TITANS!!
xoxo.jill

Saturday, September 2, 2000
07:57 p.m.

If youre a hooker and you know it clap your hands.
clap, clap

I had to work lastnight. The hottest guy in the world works at Buffalo's now. He's one of those guys that you just fantasized about talking to. And I work with him. He's really nice too, I guess- I mean I talked to him for like two seconds - how much I loved my job and wanted to poke every server's eyes out with a fork. He even waved bye to me when he was leaving. Oh yes- he wants me muchly.

Katy and I went to UC after work. Go figure. Of course Ray wasn't talking to me. (Ray- the guy I made out with Thursday night.)

But never fear- when there's a hooker near.

Mike, a friend of one of the guys that lives there, was the only one playing drinking games with us. He was pretty cute. Funny and easy to talk to, as well. Anywho- we would up in a room alone- and you know how that goes sometimes. I would like to add, though, that my number hasn't gone up. I fell asleep on the floor in the living room. Katy was on the couch. (dumb girl) I woke up at 8:45 this morning and we headed on home. "Katy's carpet was being cleaned...so we had to leave..."
Sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

We're getting ready right now, Katy is in the shower, to go to the Kappa Alpha party. Bought new outfits and everything. We'll have fun. I have some drinks in the car waiting for us.

On an entirely different note. Gabe called me lastnight. He left for NY this morning. I emailed him this afternoon. It's amazing after so many years of being apart- I still have so much love for him. He's a really good guy, and I hope nothing but the best for him. Gabe, my first serious boyfriend, my first love, and my "first". I wish him all the happiness in the world.

Y'all be good, and safe tonight. Have fun, though!
xoxo.jill

Friday, September 1, 2000
04:37 p.m.

Okay, so Amy wound up fixing something to eat at home. My bowtie pasta should be done soon, so this will be brief.

After a very long time of playing fussball, drinking, singing to music, laughing, talking, and having a wonderful time. I was sitting in Ray's room, and we were talking about the differences between New Jersey and Tennessee. I'm munching on my candy necklace that I have wrapped around my wrist and ask if he wants some. He eats like half my necklace and I'm like hey now... Then he leans over and kisses me.
I've been broken up with Matt for two weeks and I've already kissed two different guys.
He's kissing me, and I'm kissing back. It felt so good to have someone hold me again. I kept wishing it were Matt though. When you kiss someone, and think of someone else- you know youre in trouble. One thing lead to another and we were making out like wild turkeys( I dont know...) The next thing I know- I'm half asleep and wondering where Katy is at. It's 5:30 in the morning. I walk out with Ray and he asks Kurtis where Katy went to. She's over with Travor. So, Ray and I walk over there, ask if she wants to go- sleep a bit or whatever. She wants to sleep. Okay, so we walk back to Ray's I sleep on the couch- just because he didn't really invite me to the bed- and I'm not going to be like, scoot the heck over. The moment my head hit the pillow, I was out. Two hours later, Katy comes in, wakes me up, and we go back to my house. I sleep, she goes home- does homework and goes to class.

I havent talked to her yet today. I'm sure she's at home sleeping. Bless her heart.

I need to get ready for work, and my pasta is getting cold.

Be good, safe, and have a great weekend. You know I will.

xoxo.jill

Friday, September 1, 2000
04:12 p.m.

It's amazing how 5 Zimas make me feel so wonderful. Lastnight, Katy and I wound up at UC, like that's a surprise. I got my friend Eric to buy two 6 packs of Zimas for us, and of course, a bag of Jolly Ranchers. We drank a little over at Erics, and then we busted ourselves over to Ray, Dave, Dave and guy smiley's. We drank and played fussball. I had alot of fun.

I have to watch brooke right now- so i'll write more later tonight- or tomorrow. Lot's of fun in the house of Jill.

xoxo.jill