Wednesday, November 28, 2001
07:29 p.m.

PS. there should be a candycane background...but its not working.

Wednesday, November 28, 2001
07:28 p.m.

okay....maybe i didnt delete it....
There will probably be a move to diaryland...eventually. I'm just not in the mood to look at html, coding, words...i cant think right now. i'm just blehhh
toodles kiddies.

Wednesday, November 28, 2001
07:16 p.m.

its official. i'm a dork. i totally screwed up. yeah, i erased this whole month. whatever though. i'm okay with it. ughmmm...i'm working on a new layout. so check back periodically. i think i'm going to move to envy.nu. the only thing is, i've been kinda spoiled with the whole blog-type deal. maybe i'll just make a move to diaryland. who knows? we'll see, though.
Wylie and I....ughmmm, got into a fight. I don't know what's going on. Too much estrogen in my body, he's too much of a guy...so ya know, the two arent mixing right now. he's supposed to call tonight. whatever.
go here. boing.diarland.com. She's a tripper.
toodles kiddies. sorry for the nastiness youre looking at right now.

Wednesday, November 28, 2001
05:18 p.m.

Hi. My name is Jill and I'm a big fat looser. Yes, I know, it's true.
Lastnight I got a little (a lotta) tipsy and called Wylie. We apparently got into a fight, I remember crying alot. I remember not saying alot, but I do remember him FALLING ASLEEP on the phone when I did start to talk...
yeah, guys suck.
The email he sent today:

Dear Jill,

I'm sorry, I could make excuses but it doesn't matter. All I can really say is I'm sorry. Now about what you said in the message. This is the second time you have said this and so I think you must be right. I don't want it to be like this but it can't be the way that I want it to. When people are in a state of extreme emotion, whether they are mad or happy, they say things that are more honest. Well not more honest just things that are also true but that they don't say otherwise. When we are just talking and in a good mood we don't really talk about what this is doing to our lives. I don't want this for you. I don't want you unhappy and I don't think that I can make you happy so I think the best and only thing I can do is to leave you alone. I have been selfish, I have known that this can't have a happy ending but I have stuck with it because I, nevermind. Anyway I just got off the phone with you and I just realized I think the more I talk this up the more it will just confuse things. I am going to Arkansas in a month regardless because I want to see my sister. So I leave it to you. I will be six hours away, I would like to come see you even if for only a day, so you decide and let me know. There are so many things that I want to say to you but none that I should.
~Wylie

Oh the crap. We're (kinda) talking on IM right now...

I'm too funky feeling to talk about it...Oh how I love hangovers.

p.s- thanks MM for the suggestion :) Maybe I'll throw it at him. Nicely wrapped, of course.

Tuesday, November 27, 2001
07:57 p.m.

I should bottle up all this extra estrogen and sell it. I was nearly in tears lastnight because Food Lion does NOT sell Sour Cream and Onion Ruffle potato chips. Yeah, I am just as outraged as you are, dear reader. IT's a travesty, putting it lightly.
My living room is oh so Christmas friendly. My kitchen is getting that way. If I weren't such a lazy D.O.B (kinda like SOB, but daughter, oh yes, I am a clever little girl), I'd take picture, develope them, scan them, and put them up for your viewing pleasure. The likeliness of this happening, though, is very slim to none. It's true, ladies and gentlemen, I'm not a girl that likes to do more than she has to.

I have NO clue as to what to get Wylie. You'll let me know, though, right? I have a few ideas. He LOVES geology, so I was thinking, sure, a little book on geology. Nice enough. He's going to Germany this summer (hopefully with me) so why not get a German/ Enlish dictionary? He said that he wanted to learn a little more German before he goes...so? Is that ghetto lame or what?
What else? I have no clue...I'm at a loss with ideas. I want something that I put alot of thought into..he's one of those kinds of guys :) I wish you guys could just understand how awesome this guy is. He's one of those amazing people. You know, you only meet a handful of people like this in your lifetime. A person that makes you grow, spiritualy, mentally, emotionally. He's just...amazing. I love him, and maybe someday I'll be in love with him. Soon, someday will be everyday.

Monday, November 26, 2001
08:35 p.m.

Wylie,

Hey honey bunny, what's going on? Not too much here, really. Came over to my favorite parents house to eat some yummy dinner (you know how it is to be too broke to buy food...well, maybe not). Anyhoo, I thought that I would email you because I never do anymore. I know, its so sad.
I thought alot today on my drive to work about what you asked lastnight. About how thankful I was about your answer, too. I've thought about it before, and I've answered it a thousand times to myself, and I've talked to Katy and Kiala about it too. You see, I have a thing for really liking guys that dont live close by. When Kevin moved away, I was just struken with grief. I really missed having him around, but what it turned out to be, was that I missed what I had. I had this great person that I could hang out with, do the date thing with. That's what I missed more than anything. With you its totally different. I don't have the date thing to miss, I don't have a "boyfriend" part to miss. All I can miss is you. Just you. I want so much for us to be together, so we can just get to know each other better.
I dont want you to ever doubt my feelings for you. I don't want you to ever wonder if I'm being honest with you. I want you to always know that I will be, no matter what.
You said that you werent sure if this is healthy for us..to talk this way, to act that way..it probably isnt. We'll both probably wind up with broken hearts and tear stained pillows, but who cares? Aren't you having fun right now? I totally am. Sure it'll suck when it's all over, but who knows...? I can't predict the future, I don't know where we'll be in it, and I don't really care. I want to dive in so deap with you, I want to look back on this time and think to myself that I really did what my heart wanted me to. And that's the whole point of life isnt it? To do what's in your heart?
Bleh. Okay, so I ramble and I havent a clue what I am talking about, but I'm alright with that.
I just wanted to say hello and let you know that I miss you. I love missing you. I love seeing things that remind me of you, I love waiting for night, because I know that's when I get to talk to you. I love so much about this situation, I love so much about you.
Enough of me being sweet. I'm on my period, so I should just be an evil female :)

I'll talk to you later, babe
xoxox
jill

Thursday, November 22, 2001
09:44 p.m.

happy thanksgiving. i have a lovely little story (err, bitching) about today for you guys. But I'll put it up tomorrow :)
Hope today was filled with love in your homes.

Monday, November 19, 2001
05:46 p.m.

could i please be a little more retarded. i get an email from a certain "johnkennedy(number)@hotmail.com". What goes through my little brain, Hmm, that name sounds familiar..
I am a dumb ass.

So, I'm off this ENTIRE week. What shall a girl do?

Nadda has happened in my oh so boring life. Kevin's birthday was yesterday. Totally forgot. Yup, I get the worlds worst friend award this year. Arent you jealous :)

Lastnight was fun. Katy and I just hung out all night, watched Josie and the Pussycats, wrote songs in bed and went to sleep. I miss just hanging out with her. I miss hanging out with her and there not be alcohol involed.

I'm still sick. Fun fun fun :) Indeed.

Well, as excited and fun as this was...peace out :)

xoxox

Friday, November 16, 2001
06:40 p.m.

why do i suck so badly at html? i know EXACTLY what I want to do with my page. Yet, I am retarded and just havent been able to figure it out. It's easy on the eyes and just cute (just like me, heh).

I got my package from Wylie today:) :) Yup. I was excited. Three new CD's for my listening pleasure, two magazines about snow skiing and Colorado, a road map to Colorado (how clever), a few nick nacks that wont have any meaning to you, a blanket that's oh so cozzy, his stuffed soccer ball that he loves (which is very special that he would send it to me), a few pictures and a few other things. It was oh so wonderful to go through. Indeed.

My CD player in my car is a piece of crap (just like the rest of my car). It's the devil, I'm pretty certain of this.

Did you know that Campbell soups has ventured out and now has Won Ton soup? I found that out lastnight when in search of the oh so yummy Cream of Potato with Roasted Garlic. True, you wont be getting any after you eat it, but it makes the flu like symptoms that I'm sporting dissapear (for like half an hour, but that's good enough for me).

I went to work with a 100.1 temperature. Not that big of a deal. I took my mom's ear themometer that I ganked lastnight with me. I took my temperature about every twenty or so minutes. It was 102.1 when I left work (early) today. I'm out of Nyquil, too, which sucks because I need it but can't afford it.

Oh how it sucks being so broke.

Uhmmm...I think that is all. I think I'll print out some stuff on html frames and shtuff and take a looksee while I die in my bed this weekend. UGHHH

hope you all have an oh so lovely weekend.

xoxox.jill

Thursday, November 15, 2001
06:34 p.m.

Okay. so I MIGHT be moving my page to somewhere else. I'm not sure though. I'm just toying with the idea.

Not alot to mention today.
HOWEVER, lastnight Wylie and I got into miniature arguement. I was beyond tired, and he started asking all these hypothetical situation questions. I don't know why, really, but it just bugged me. None of the questions could I relate to at all. Finally I just let my tone tell that I was annoyed and asked/demanded where the hell are these damn questions coming from. We talked a little while longer, err, sat in silence, and then got off the phone. Then I called him back a few minutes later to let him know I was terribly sorry for yelling and that I was just tired and cranky. He said don't worry about it so we got off the phone again. I was upset. This morning when I woke up and was getting ready for work, the phone rang. Who on earth would be calling me at 6:50 in the morning? Wylie. He wanted to wish me a good day, and to tell me not to worry about our conversation lastnight. Who on earth would ever do that? Not any guys I know around here.
He's just a keeper. That's all.

3 weeks til Jessica comes home for Christmas :)

gnight.

Wednesday, November 14, 2001
06:41 p.m.

Thanks to the two people that read my journal! You guys rock. Both of you.

So, today nothing has really happened. I overslept two minutes this morning, causing my whole schedule to be screwed up. You wouldnt think two minutes is alot...but with me, every second of my morning counts. I didn't have time to defrost my bagel, so off I went with a plastic baggy of fruit loops. Which is just dandy with me anyways.

I came home, threw on some clothes and came to my parents house (where I am currtently) to do laundry. Yes indeed, it's laundry day. I can't afford the laundramat (how pathetic, I know) and why not come here where I will get a free dinner along with some extra computer time? Exactly.

School still has me stressed, as it will until I figure all my stuff out. Today just seems calmer. It's hump day, maybe that's why.
I have a feeling that this weekend is going to be lame. As of tonight I have no plans, and that's just not any fun. Last weekend I would have been fine sitting in front of the tv the whole time, but nope- I went out and did my spiel. I'm feeling a little restless now. I want to go out and party. That's odd, because lately I've been very content just chilling at the home front (thanks to not having two horrible little mutts...I kid, I love those pups, I actually miss them a bit.)
I'm suppose to take the little Brooktar to see Monsters Inc. tonight. Mom doesnt want to bother with all that...fine with me. I just want to let Brooke love me again. She's been weird with me lately. I was teasing her about Wylie and I getting married, and now all she says to me, in her little 3&a half voice is, "Don't marry him, shill (she's so cute when she says my name), you'll leave me.." I told her lastnight that I would never dream of leaving her. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside to know that someone loves me like she does.

Oh, let me tell you of how Nyquil gives me bizzare dreams! I had a baby lastnight, then she turned two all of a sudden. I still hadnt given her a name, either! I lost her countless times during my dream, too. This is why Jill will never have babies... Then, the dream kinda faded into another one, where Wylie and I were together hanging out in his living room. Then all of a sudden cops come in and we have to hide in the attic. THEN we're doing this whole Diary of Anne Frank deal. It was just really weird. Just say no to the Nyquil dreams...

That is all.
Never fear, I think I have a new layout coming soon.

whoo.xoxox.jill

Monday, November 12, 2001
06:29 p.m.

I'm emotional and stressed out right now. School. Just the word makes me want to break down and cry. I'm not ready to go back (finacially). I shouldnt have ever taken a break, I know this now. People say if you take a semester off, you wont want to go back. It's not true. In my case, I just can't go back right now. Somehow, I didn't save as much as I needed to, somehow I spent way more than I needed too. I can't get and grants (as far as I've been told) and I refuse to take out a student loan (good lord, it took me long enough to my credit card under control...). I just don't know what to do. I have barely enough money to buy books for next semster. I have no clue what I'm going to do. I'm thinking about taking spring semester off too, and working really HARD and not being so reckless with my money, and taking a few classes this summer. If I do that though, then I probably wont be able to go to Germany and Italy this summer. And as much as I NEED to go back to school, it would be an awesome learning experience as well, to go and see other countries and get some hands on learning...
I just don't know what to do. And it doesnt help that everytime I see my mother she asks if I've registered for classes yet, if I've gotten my shit (although she'd never in her life say shit) together..
AND to add to my stress...(not that he can help it at all) my dad is back in the hospital. I came home just a few minutes ago to a locked front door. What is this? My parents have gone out? I go back to my car and get my car keys out and go inside. Mammaw (my crazy grandmother) calls over on my parents line to see who it was in the house. As if a mad killer would answer the phone. She's so weird. Anyways, she tells me that mom had to take dad to the Emergency Room and they've been gone for about an hour. Soo..I'll probably sit around here all night (instead of figuring out what I'm going to do about school), then go home watch the news and drink my cup of hot chocolate, then go to bed.
I'm not talking to Wylie right now. We kind of got into a fight lastnight. I've come to the conclusion that this little "long distance relationship" spiel just isnt going to work for me. I do like him alot and care about him alot, but I need someone here. I need a Friday and Saturday night date. Yeah, I'm lame. But I realize that, and I'm okay with it.
I haven't talked to Josh in a LONG time. I don't know why he doesnt return my calls. What's up with that? He's a punk ass, it's true.

That's the update so far...Wylie sent me a package today. I'll get it around Thursday, I suppose. Don't worry, I'll let you know everything in it.

So. I have totally realized how shallow I am. Another plane crashed in NY and here I am talking about school and a damn package that wylie sent.

All of our thoughts are with New York and the families that have lost. I pray that God will heal you in these times, and that you all will cling to Him for guidence.

We all need alot of His guidence right now.

Friday, November 9, 2001
06:34 p.m.

Well, all is well with Wylie and I. He asked me to send him the original email. With much hesitation, I did. I really feel like I can be completely honest with him. I know that he will not think differently of me. I know that WE are BOTH falling for each other. As much as we may hate it...I know that its happening. We'll just see in January. We're just perfect for each other.

Do you want to read some of what he wrote me?
"You are not just some girl that I care about, you are not just an infatuation, I hope we will allways be friends. If I knew that we were right for each other, if I knew that there was a future in store for us I would not hesitate for a moment to move to Tennessee. If we knew that we belonged together, nothing would stop me from being with you. Unfortunately we still know so little about each other, but we never know how things will work out. I just hope you never give up on friendship."

Who knows...?

Well, it's friday night. Mike is going to come over to watch a movie. I havent hung out with him in a REALLY long time. Well, besides lastnight when he came over for dinner.
Ughh...chicken fetticine is NOT good coming up! Carrots just dont seem to digest fast enough, it seems. Just say NO to 99 Banana's. No no no...

Peace out kiddo's. Much love:)
jillica

Tuesday, November 6, 2001
07:05 p.m.

dad's home. he's okay. he's been sleeping alot lately. alot. I havent gotten to talk to him too much.
I wish I didn't send that email to Wylie. I'm so lame. very much so.
I think I'll just stay online as long as I possibly can. That way when Wylie get's on (assuming that he will get online) I can tell him to never check his email again. OR..just ignore it completely. Buah.

I cannot believe I didnt call Kiala on her birthday. What kind of friend am I? Not a good one...anyhoo, happy birthday chica. When I get another phone card (used an entire 250 minutes on Wylie...surpise? nope) I will call you and tell you that myself. Hope youre great!
Tasha, let me know when youre coming!!

bleh bleh, Gilmore Girls! YAY! Oh, how I'm happy about that.

Tuesday, November 6, 2001
06:14 p.m.

From: "Wylie -----"
To: Jill_Crigger@hotmail.com
Subject: I don't understand
Date: Tue,06 Nov 2001

"WARNING!!! This is a very long email in which I ramble a lot. I was tired and had a lot on my mind, so sorry

Dear Jill,

I don't get it, how is it that we talk for so long and when we get off the phone there still seems to be so much left to say. There are so many questions I still want to ask and so many ways I could still insult Tennessee! Just kidding So anyway we got off the phone a little while ago and I just wanted to tell you a couple of things. First, thankyou so much for telling me what was on your mind, and I want you to know that I am sorry for bringing up anything that was uncomfortable or made you sad. I need to kinda ask you for a favor. I want to ask you to put up with me. See it's much easier for me to push you away sometimes than to actually deal with missing you. So I know this and I am trying not to do it but sometimes I still get weird. Like on the phone tonight you were saying that you didn't like me tonight, and I know that for the most part you were joking but there was a reason for it. I was tired but I also just really didn't want to talk to you so much cause it was hard tonight. The last thing I want to do is push you away so just please understand that sometimes I am distant cause I am being weak. Also I don't want you to worry, I am not planning on moving to Arkansas its just that I got that idea in my head and so I was just sorta dreaming, You know how sometimes you might look at a picture in a magazine of Europe or something and you think about it a lot but really have no intention of actually doing it. Unfortunately lately I have not been able to stop thinking about us and the finality to our situation. I can't help feel this crazy desperation. I just need a little time to get through it, I think it's just that even when I am not thinking about it my mind is just trying to find some nonexistent solution and eventually I will come accept it. The thing is, I am not really lonely, we have talked enough that I am not missing you like crazy, and I am not really sad, I just want to be with you. I feel like somehow I am missing out on this chance, this opportunity to be happy and if I were only smart enough I could figure out the solution, as time goes by I'll cope better. When I don't think about it I am happy and I talk to you and everything is good, but then I think about the future and it's hard. I really hate these people like I used to be that are so blind in infatuation and think that their situation is so different than everyone else's. It would be easy to mistake the way I feel for that, but it is entirely different. With Crystal I didn't have a clear head I was stupid and rushed into it. It's like with Crystal I just wanted to skip all the intermediate parts of a normal relationship, but that is the part that I want the most with you. People always say things like I miss looking in your eyes and I miss holding you, and sure I miss these things but not nearly as much as I miss just hanging out with you. To just have you around while we are watching football or whatever. That is what I was most disappointed with your visit, was the fact that we always seemed so busy. I was doing some homework tonight and I was thinking how nice it would be if you had been hear just reading a book or to take a break and run get a bite to eat with you. Ok well I have rambled enough but there is one more thing I want to tell you. You are so pretty, everytime I look at you I am attracked to you, but more importantly you are beautiful and that is so much more. Beauty is a product of the whole not just the surface, and if no one ever told you that, it's not because they didn't recognize it. It's obvious. Goodnight

Love Wylie

PS- I am so glad I met you "

email (not sent) to Wylie from me

Wylie,
I've tried to write you this email for the past thirty minutes. I just dont know where to start. I don't know if I'm ready to tell you this, or just keep pretending so you'll never know. Maybe I'll just tell you it all and never send this to you. Maybe I'll just keep it bottled, and save you the drama. Wylie, I keep telling you that I want you to know all that is me, so you'll understand certain things about me. I'm just scared though. Once you know some things, you may act differently towards me, you might feel sorry for me, for you being in this situation. I don't want sympothy, I don't need it. I don't want you to treat me any differently, but I want you to know why I get upset about things. I don't want you to censor yourself around me, though, thinking that you'll bring back memories... It's hard for me to tell you this. It's not something I go around sharing freely. Factually, I just told Katy, my bestfriend and roommate, about a month ago. Even Jessica doesn't know. It happens all the time, my story isn't any more special, or awful. I'll just tell you. When I was 15 I was raped my a friends older brother's friend. I put myself in a situation that I couldn't get myself out of. It was a horrific experience (note: why I don't like sex all that much). You asked once why I let what happened between us go on...I just numbed myself to you. When Matt and I had sex, usually I would just numb myself. Sometimes it was as if I was on the outside just looking in on us. Matt and I talked about it a few times, it helped some, after he got over the whole "I'm sorry" stage. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. You have no reason to. It's just some of that "crap" that happened to everyone.
So now you know.
I don't want to talk about it on the phone, in emails, over IM, I don't want to talk about it all.

So, lastnight I was in a foul mood, obviously, and I just wanted to yell at you. I wanted to tell you that I didnt want to talk to you anymore. I didnt want myself to get anymore attatched to you. I wanted you to feel as shitty as I did. Of course, that moment passed pretty quickly. I know I would just feel lousy if I never talked to you again. I know that I would hate myself if I ever said those words to you and didnt mean it. I know that I could never say anything like that to hurt you purposely.
Bleh...this email is such a damper, isnt it?
I appreciate you looking at for me, Wylie. I appreciate all that you've done for me, and all that you'll do. I just think it would be the best for both of us, if we didn't try to see ourselves together. If we didn't think about the future and what may be...instead lets just focus on our friendship. Let's focus on what is and will be. I don't want you to miss me anymore. I don't want you to think about me. I dont want you to wonder about the what ifs...
I would move for you. I would move for us. Sometimes I think that's what you want, and others I think youre glad that I am so far away.
bleh.
I'm not going to send this to you...I know already.

Email (sent) to Wylie

I wrote you an email, but I didnt send it. It just wasnt what I needed to send to you. Thank you for my emails. Thanks for the cd listing and stuff.
I just want to appologize for my behavior lastnight. I wasnt being myself, and I'm sorry. I was just in a crappy mood and I was taking it out of you.
There's alot I want to tell you Wylie, but I just don't want to get into. I just don't know what to say right now.
I have alot of mixed emotions, and I'm really confused about alot of things. Niether of us want to disrupt our lives right now, and that's good. You won't move here, and I don't think I could move there. I think it would just be best for the both of us, if we cooled it for a bit. Just tried to keep things on a superficial level. I don't want to hear about how you miss me. I don't want to tell you how much I miss you.
I just want you to know that I care deeply, and that I don't want either of us to get hurt. So...I dunno what I'm trying to say..I think I'm trying to push you away. I'm sorry, but for right now I just have to. I need to focus on what's going on here right now. I need to stop daydreaming on the what ifs of our situation.
I'm not trying to hurt you, and I so desprately hope that you know that. I just think that the more space there is between the two of us, the better. I pray that you'll understand. I somehow know you will understand where I am coming from.

I need to go, though. I am sorry.
Always and forever
Jill

Saturday, November 3, 2001
03:33 p.m.

I totally laid it out for Katy today. I'm such a bitch, I know. I just told her how tired I am of our apartment and that it will be different tomorrow. Tonight, when she goes to work...the dogs and I are going on a little trip. That's right kiddies, the dogs are out. No no no, I'm not that inhumane. I'm not going to kill them, or eat them, or sacrafice them to the golden dog gods...I'm going to take them to the animal shelter. Yes, they will be fed, bathed, nails cut, coats trimmed, teeth cleaned...they will not be smelling up my house any longer...Oh big sigh..

Then, I am vaccuming, dusting, scrubing, and sanatizing EVERY LITTLE THING in my house. Everything that isnt supposed to be there will no longer be there. My house is going to be pretty again. And Sunday, when I wake up to go to my grandparents, I will feel refreshed, and whole. I'm such a stikler for cleanliness today.

I only got to talk to Wylie for all of two seconds. I miss him...
But sometimes I wonder if it's because I want out of here so badly...that I'd use him to get me out. I know that he would take awesome care of me, he's provider, a caregiver..and I'm so needy of that. I wonder if maybe I might be falling in love with him, or maybe it's just the idea of it. Who knows...but I guess I should just take it one day at a time. He wrote on my cd case that January isnt that far away. Oh big sigh for that too. Who knows, maybe he's my one and only....

goodbye

Friday, November 2, 2001
11:05 p.m.

It's way past time for a new layout. I know this, folks. Don't worry. I might even have one tonight. But you know whats stopping me? I can hardly remember html. I suck, its true. So you know what a girls gotta do, right? Go around, looking at other people's shit to figure out stuff. I know how I want it in my head...but getting it on this damn screen is a different story. I envy all these computer geeks. I'm a wanna be geek.

I love Pink's new video. I'm comming out...yeah, it's grand. She's a cutie in the video, someone I'd like to chill with...I guess.

Soo, someone help me with a new layout. And someone get me out of this damn pitas shit! I need something cool...refreshing...new...and let's not forget free.

What happened to the cellulite boards? what happened to mm's site? I'm so lost and confused. Hope all is extra well with them all.

how can someone (myself) spend ALL FRIGGIN day online??? Help...I have no life...nor do I plan to get one soon...

peace out...probably not for long though.

Friday, November 2, 2001
07:49 p.m.

Dad is the hospital. I don't know why I didnt say anything before...He has pneumonia pretty bad. He wasnt getting much oxygen prior to being in the hospital, so today they ran some tests on him to see if the lack of oxygen damaged his heart any. I havent heard the results yet. He didn't sound too good on the phone lastnight.
I was talking to Wylie earlier today, and I told him that sometimes I wish God would just take him so he wouldnt hurt anymore. He told me he understood. But I can't imagine my life without him, so I pray that God will just heal him totally, or atleast heal him and let him come home. I need to go see him tomorrow.
I was thinking today...after arguing with Wylie about money and families..I'm coming to terms that I used to hate my dad for being sick. Well...hate is too strong of a word, more blamed him for being sick. I used to think it was his fault, that he did it to himself. I hated the fact that he didnt work hard enough or he didnt do something to prevent having the chemical spill at work. I wished that he could work and make the money for the family. I wished that I could spend more time with my mom. It didn't seem right that she was the one bringing in the money. It wasnt fair that while other kids got to go to the park with their dad, mine was always sick and couldnt go running with us, or take us on camping trips. I feel as if I've missed out on some of those things, and I hate him for that. I cry as I type this...I'm unsure why, though. I'm angry at myself, not him. I'm angry that I feel this way, and I'm angry that I've never told him why I get so mad at him for no reason.

I'm mad at myself for feeling these things. I'm mad that I'm too stupid to know the difference between what is his fault and what is just how it is. I used to get mad at God...but I don't anymore, I know that this is how it is...but I'm still mad at my dad because of it.

Wylie and I were talking about how he has to have money for his family. He grew up a spoiled little rich kid...he's been all over Europe, goes skiing ALL the time, travels with his parents EVERYWHERE...me? My family went to Florida twice, I thought that was amazing. My family would go to Gatlinburg, that was vacation for us. Not snow skiing in the Alps. Not going to England to just "sight see". That's not what we did. That's not what we do. In a way, I'm jealous that he's seen all these things, that his family has never had to struggle with money. I'm angry that my parents dont have brand new cars, that they don't get to do all these awesome things. I wish my parents could do more, go more, and spend more. I wish they still weren't struggling to get by...I wish more for them.

I don't really know where I am going at with this...but I think I want to go to therapy and get all this out. Of course, I can't afford it...but what can ya do?

Wylie wants to take me to Germany next summer. Did I say that already? He told me a few days ago that I should get a pass port. I told him that I'll probably never get out of this country, so whats the point? He told me a few days later why I should get a pass port. He wants to take me there, he wants to be the one to show me all these things...he needs to take care of someone...and I need someone to take care of me. I'm a leaner, he's a post. I'm needy, and he strives on taking care of people. I told him that if I go to Germany with him, that I want to visit my family over there. He said deffently. He said he wanted to rent a car and take a road trip down to Italy. Can you imagine me in Italy? Can you imaging all the beauty over there? I can't. I can't imagine myself out of this countty. Just getting to go to Colorado again was more than awesome for me. I think its absolutely amazing there...what would I ever say about Germany and Italy? He said we could go to Paris, too. That just makes me laugh. It's too unreal to me. But...I guess we'll see what happens between now and that time. Who knows? He just might be in love with someone there. I might be with someone here...
He comes down in January. I cannot wait. Just to hear his laugh and see him smiling at me...it's more than enough to make my heart skip. I'm such a dork.
Tasha might be coming down too, with her boyfriend. That would be awesome. We could go to the caverns in KY, go hiking maybe...I need to find out where some cool stuff is so they all wont be bored.

I don't want to go home..I've been at my parents since I've come back from CO yesterday. I don't want to be there with the dogs, I don't want to be there at all. Tomorrow I am going to take them to the pound. Katy isnt helping me get rid of them at all. I'm going to clean the house from top to bottom. I might even call someone to come and clean the carpets, unless Katy gets her mom's steam cleaner. Everything that shouldnt be in the living room or kitchen will no longer be in the living room or kitchen. Anything that isnt crisp and clean will not be in there anymore. I'm tired of the mess. I want my house to feel like a comfortable home...not a dirty, cramped apartment.

I think this is good for now....it feels good to write again :)

Friday, November 2, 2001
07:15 p.m.

pitcures :
*Wyndi, Myself, Jessica
*A very bad, yet amusing, picture of the three of us
* beautiful picture taken in Colorado

Friday, November 2, 2001
06:37 p.m.

Here is an email from Wylie. Who could ask for anything else? email

Friday, November 2, 2001
03:51 p.m.

My trip

Thursday:
It was the first time I've flown since the tragedy on 9/11. I was scared. I've always been scared to fly. Going through the security was a pain, but a neccesary one, I believe. My shoes and belt were x-rayed. After the fun of being searched, I walked down the concord to my flight. We boarded the plane, and the lady that had the window seat in my row asked to switch with me. Score! I love window seats. Finally we get into St. Louis.
In St. Louis, we had plane troubles. A glitch of some sort. It set us back an hour. I had no way of calling Wylie to tell him I'd be late. When we got into Denver, I grabbed my stuff and followed my planemates to the train, where we would go to baggage claim. When I came up the escalater, I saw Wylie there waiting for me. Instant smile and huge. It felt awesome to be back in Colorado with some of my favorite people. We got my suitcase and walked to his car. We talked alot of the way home, about my flight, things we're going to do, what's been going on in our own lives..little chit chat. I didn't think I'd see Wylie that much while I was in town. Afterall, I was here mainly to see Jessica, Wyndi, and of course Justin.
At Jessica's we just sat around and talked for a while. I unpacked a bit, got ready for bed and we all slept.

Friday:
I wake up around 7am. I cannot sleep for the life of me. I'm used to waking up early, and today is obviously no exception. Jessica wakes up around 9am to get ready for class. Just a day I will spend alone in their apartment. Watching t.v., playing on the computer. Lots-o-fun in CO. Around 3pm Wyndi comes back home and we walk to Starbucks down the road. We hang out a bit, talk and do the whole catch up deal together. When Jessica gets home, we get ready to go to a cookout some of their friends were having. Yay! Justin will be there! Well, after an hour or so of hanging out, drinking a tiny bit, and getting my buzz on, I asked wyndi if Justin and Amy (one of their friends since last year) were together. She gave me the "aww, you werent supposed to know or find out" look. Wow, my heart just started to hurt. I always have thought it strange that your heart could actually feel pain when someone gives you hurtful news. I always imagined it was part of my soul dying. So, after hearing this tragic news and being buzzed, I knew what any girl would know...tears were a possibility, especially if I had to see them here at this party TOGETHER. Only one thing to do: bust a move out. So we did. We went to a Pike party. (A little side note: Pikes in Murfreesboro are all rapists, and I don't really like them too much.) Needless to say, I wasnt thrilled we were going there, but Jessica's stalker-ee was there, and I was more than happy to let her get her stalk on. Well, if you know me at all, I can sometimes let my emotions show through. And that night was one of those nights. Jess saw that I wasnt having fun, and so she was forcing me to drink. I didnt want to, she wanted me to, I wanted to be DD, she said no...so on and so on this fight went. Finally I told her to shut the f--- up and either lets go or stay and not force me to drink. She was pissed off by this remark and we left.
I called Wylie when we got back to their apartment and asked him to come and get me. He did. I went over there and hung out with his roommates and him. It was alot of fun. Wyndi and I spent the night there, too.

Saturday
We got up pretty early and went back home. Jessica was getting up (and suprise, there was a guy there too). I didnt really talk to her until later that night when we went shopping for halloween costumes. Everything just kind of went away, and everything was fine again.
We went to a joint party that night. A duo party that is. I remember having a good time. I have a few pictures I'll put up soon, from that night. I was pretty drunk so I stayed over at Wylie's that night (his apartment was part of the joint party). That morning, with our halloween makeup..and costumes on, we went to Perkins for brunch. I adore Wylie's friends. I adore him, too. I had the most fun, just hanging out with all of them. So this brings us to...

Sunday:
Jessica and Wyndi had a party that night. To sum it up in one word: LAME. Well, I'm sure if I were drunk it would have been a good time. However, Amy and Justin showed up together, holding hands, none the less...so I was less than enthuised about getting intoxicated so I could make an ass out of myself. Instead, I opted for the sober side, and I had a very lame, quiet time. It wasnt all too bad. Wylie cheered me up. He always manages to.

Monday:my favorite day
Wylie took me to HorseTooth and Estes Park. I don't have any beautiful pictures, but I have a ton of beautiful memories, and that's what matters most to me. He took me to this cute little German restraunt in Lyons. I've found out that I'm not a big German food fan. I ate it though, and it was interesting. I had an awesome time, though. That night I hung out with Jess and then went back to Wylies and watched a really retarded movie.

Tuesday: Jess and I hung out all day. We had our total lazy day and slept alot. That night we smoked a little and watched Emporer's New Groove (our favorite movie) and fell asleep on the couches. Lots of fun.

Wednseday:
My last day...I went to school with Jessica. Just to her speach class and to her directing class. It was fun. I have a few pictures of the CSU campus that I will put up as well. It's really pretty. We went out to Olive Garden, Jess, Wyndi, Justin Perry (a different Justin), Wylie and I - my treat. It was a really good time. We went to Jessica's dad's house to see the kids and give them halloween candy. Then we got ready for the halloween party "the boys" were having.
That night, Wylie came. We got into a fight later, and I cried. I never thought in a thousand years I would cry for him. I don't know if it's that I wanted someone so badly to love me, to hold me, and to care for me, that I clung on to him...or if after all this time (all three months) I finally realized that this guy, this random sweet as can be to me guy, is perfect. Well, far from perfect, but I am crazy about every little thing he does, and doesnt do. I stayed at his house until around 5:30, then I came home and slept on the couch. He picked me up at 9:30 to go to the airport...we just talked and didnt really talk about me leaving. He asked again if I wanted to go to Germany with him this summer. I told him that there was no way I would be able to afford it, and that there was no way I would let him pay for it, either. Who knows, though? Maybe I'll be able to go after all. Maybe I will let him pay for it, maybe I will be able to afford it, maybe I just need to live and experience new things, and this would be one of the most awesome things that I've ever done. Who knows, though? I surely dont.

Well, for the most part...that was my trip. OF course more happened, and Ihave alot more to talk about, but I've been online for nearly two hours now and I'm tired of it. Sooo....stay tuned for more: pictures, ramblings..the normal stuff :)

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