Wednesday, December 19, 2001
08:51 p.m.

Okay, Tasha, you are excused.

Funny conversation between Jessica and a guy at work.
Guy: It really sucks about George Harrison dying.
Jess: Who is that?
G: You don't know who that is?
J: Well, I mean, I know he's a famous sports player...

Funny moment between Jess and myself:
Approaching a billboard sign that read HA(HUGE McDonalds arch)BURGER.
Me: Ha- burger?
Jess: haha, yeah...
M: Ha....burger...?
J: Man, that sounds good..
M: What does?
J: Food, McDonalds, I havent eaten yet.
M: HAMBURGER!!! Oh my God, I'm an idiot!

On the way to the airport:
Me: You know what I think is really funny?
Jess: What?
Me: Plastic bags that get stuck in bushes. They stay there for weeks because no one ever gets them out.
Jess: Okay, Jack Handy.

I'm so glad she's back.

Wednesday, December 19, 2001
07:23 p.m.

What is up with the lack of updates? boing scotty surly tasha

Jessica got in lastnight. The reason I couldnt get ahold of her? I had been dialing the wrong number. 4235 not 2435. Whoops. I went to see her at her ex-step-dad's lastnight, then went home to sleep. And finally, I did. 13 straight hours. How awesome is that? I know. When I woke up, I went to pay the phone bill, then took a shower and went to Jessica's mom's house. Connie (her mom) and Ben (Connie's boyfriend) were flying back in from Cancun. We went to Target before going to the airport so I could get my brother's Christmas present. Then, we proceeded to make up stories about people at the airport. We've decided we want to bring our childern there one day when our husbands are flying back from the business trip. Our children will run to their fathers screaming, "Daddy!", and they will pick them up and hug them and tell them they missed them. Then they will come up to us and kiss us and tell us they missed us.
We don't ask for a lot. Just a little affection and a lot of love.

My head hurts so much. The wheather has gone from nice autumn to brr winter all in one day. Still, it's 40, but the wind is blowing making it..well, windy.

Wylie will be here in exactly 11 or 12 days. WHOOO!

must...go...shopping...UGH

Tuesday, December 18, 2001
07:04 p.m.

My dad is in his bedroom folding the towels so my mom doesnt have to. He's really sweet sometimes.

It's 7pm on Tuesday, you'd think I'd be happy about the Gilmore Girls. Not even that is putting me in the oh so I love life mood.

Fox is coming out with "That 80's Show". Why ruin a good thing? It's just not right. I'm going to email Matt and Wylie. Whoo

Tuesday, December 18, 2001
06:36 p.m.

I have decided that I'm not a very pleasant person when only getting half an hour of sleep. I'm very snappy right now, and very tired.

Jessica took a greyhound back from Illinois. I havent been able to reach her all day. I don't know if she needs me to pick her up from the station or what. Her phone is out of service.

Wylie asked if he should still come down. The question itself upset me. I told him that of course I still wanted him to come down, I want nothing more.

I need to still clean my house and do all my laundry tonight. I'm so tired and so not up to it. I want to go home, go to bed and not wake up until 11:30. That would be nice.

You know what would also be nice? Emails, and not just junk ones.

"Sing me a song without any words. I'll pretend you wrote it just for me. Paint me a picture with images blurred, so I can see what I wanna see. I wanna see you and me happy, together singing love songs. Together, Singing love songs."

Wylie's sister from Germany and "nephew" are in town. I doubt I'll talk to him for a few days, which is a-ok with me. I'm too tired, stressed, and pmsed to talk to anyone.

Monday, December 17, 2001
05:29 p.m.

Jessica is stuck in Illinois. I cannot go and get her because I don't have a car that will make it. My mother will not let me borrow hers now (because the brakes are making a funny smell...and she sucks). My brother won't let me take his car, well...and I don't really want to. MY car is a peice, but we still love her. She called her ex-step-dad and he said he couldnt come get her, I don't know why. So, she'll probably take a greyhound in the morning. UGH! I'm scared for her. Greyhounds are the devil, and especially when riding them alone. I hope she's alright. I havent been able to get ahold of her since this morning around 11.

I talked to Wylie for a complete hour lastnight. Mainly about how I dislike Brandon Frasier and how stupid it is for me not to watch the Mummy because he is in it. Sorry, I don't feel like staring at his face for two hours.
Then we proceded to talk a little about him coming down. He'll be here only for four days. This makes me sad. We'll just stay in visiting mode, I suppose. He said either we'll get so close and it will hurt like hell when he leaves, or we'll be so weird acting towards each other that the whole trip will suck. True dat. I'll have fun, and if all I get is four nights to lay next to him and snuggle, then so be it. I like him lots and lots, and we'll just have to go from there.

When you know it's right, you'll just know.

I'm at my parents house. Which is probably where I'll be alot this week. Or until Jessica gets here. My cable is out and my VCR is broken. Sucks to be Jill.

But I'm good. I'm in a decent mood, no horrible attitudes as of the moment, and I'm smiling. It's still hot here. Well, it's about 40, but I'm ready for some snow! Jess usually brings cold wheather...so we'll see.

Sunday, December 16, 2001
06:44 p.m.

Wylie got into a car wreck lastnight. He called me when he go into Denver. He's okay, the other people are okay, everyone's cars are okay. Thank God. You should never call someone and say frantically, "I've just been in a car wreck". It's not a nice thing to do.

Wylie told me he misses me alot lastnight. Two more weeks. Can you believe that? I'm kinda sad, though. I know that after he leaves it may be 6 months until I'll be able to see him again. When he leaves, I'm going to be so sad, so heartbroken. UGH.

Everything is alright with me. Katy left today for Florida, so it's just me in our apartment. Oh so BORING! I don't think I'll ever be able to live lone. I need to pay all the bills tomorrow. Bleh. That's on my to-do list. Charlie Brown's Christmas comes on tonight at 7 on ABC, for those of you who cannot miss it. (Such as myself.) I think I'll fix a bowl of ice cream and sit in the living room with my mom and brother.

I need a job. If anyone wants to hire me (to do anything!) please do so. Another thing on my to-do list. UGH. I can't believe how irresponsible I really am. I suck.

It's 45 degrees outside and it's December 16. What the hell? No white Christmas for Jill.

Friday, December 14, 2001
08:28 p.m.

He came over lastnight and we sat on the couch watching tv. He put his arms around me and I kissed his wrist, he kissed the top of my head. I nearly spilled tears of joy, it's been so long since I've done that. It felt so perfect, so peaceful, and so complete.
Then I woke up.
I keep having this dream. I can feel his skin on mine, my lips on his, I can smell his cologne. Only 15(ish) more days until I'll be able to live this dream.

Katy and I went to broad street lastnight. Kelly went home with another girl. Cletus made out with a girl in the parking lot. They both came back later. Cletus had the girl Kelly left with take him home, and Kelly came back home with Katy, Seth, Jason and me. We didn't kiss, although I wanted to. I was a little too drunk to be trying to molest anyone.

I talked to Wylie lastnight though. I have a tendency of calling him when I'm intoxicated. I miss him so incredibly much. He misses me too.
OH! I know EXACTLY what I'm going to do for his Christmas present. You see, he has this memory box (an old shoe box, anyways) that he keeps special things in it. Well, I think I'm going to buy an old box, or just a plain wooden box and do a collage all over it with things he loves. Maps, pictures, letters, emails, Cities he used to live in, family, and other things like that. I'm also getting him an elvis thing, and a TN shotglass. Some other little things, too. I'm excited. I've been cutting out things for the past two days. My room is a disaster zone.

Katy leaves Sunday for Florida. Jessica gets here on Monday or Tuesday. I need to clean before she gets here.

Katy and I might be getting a house with Seth and Jason. But I dunno. We've been tossing back the idea. I'm still going to get a 6 month lease no matter what. I want to be with Wylie so badly.

Matt emailed me back. We're on such a superficial level it hurts. I miss him, his friendship and his support. I love him still, and wish the best for him. I hear he's getting engaged. Who knows?

Tomorrow is my last day at work. I have nothing else lined up. After tomorrow, I will be officially unemployed. I have to coax Will into giving me a job.

Hell, I'll pole dance.

Wednesday, December 12, 2001
06:23 p.m.

I just emailed Matt (my ex) a really dumb "happy holidays" email. I'm such a dork.

All is superb with Wylie and I. We're very excited about him coming down. VERY excited.

I miss him so much. He said lastnight that he would reply soon to my "what do you think about me moving up there" email. Eeek, is all I have to say. He'll probably say something about how he doesnt want me to move up there because I'll wind up regretting leaving my parents and family...he doesnt want me to blame him..something like that. Don't worry, I won't hold you in suspense, I'll post it here.

18 more days til Wylie gets here!!

Sunday, December 9, 2001
04:58 p.m.

When I ask for money...I joke. This is just plain tacky: Bitterfame: Support a Writer

Sunday, December 9, 2001
04:43 p.m.

I didn't feel "loved" the other day. You see, I have this odd complex (like many girls do) where I "need" attention from guys. Actually, it's only low self esteem. I haven't been on a date, or even hung out with a guy since I've been back from the big CO- and now? Well, I got to make out with Kelly on Thursday night, I went over to Cletus/Steve's lastnight to watch a movie and tonight I'm going to Kevin's to watch a movie.
No no no, before you hiss the words "stupid slut" at me. I havent done ANYTHING with any of these guys, except for Kelly (and that was only drunken make sesion).
Do I like any of these guys? Not how I like Wylie, no.
I am so tired of talking about that situation though, and I know that you are tired of hearing about it. I can't help it though. I like him so much, though, and now I get this horrible feeling that he just doesnt like me anymore. I know that my mood towards him is always pretty funky. I try not to be like that, but whenever we do finally get a chance to talk- I'm grumpy (either extremely tired or pissed off at something). I just have a poor attitude about the whole thing. Enough of this though.

I'm supposed to pick Jessica up in Springfield, Illinois on the 17th. I need a car that will make it. My little 88 grand am is about to die already, and I can't chance it going up there.
My last day at work is the 15th. I'm sad. I gave my fellas that I work for their Christmas presents. I went into work on Saturday and left them on their desks. They'll get them tomorrow morning. (It's a picture of Elvis (a statue at broad street) and me in santa hats. I framed them and wrote a sweet messsage on the frames of how i'm going to miss working for them).
I haven't found a nother job, though. That sucks! I havent even looked, actually. I don't have time. I took off Friday so I could go and look, BUT I never did...Sucks to be me.

I'm broke guys. I have 29 buck a roos in my checking account, and 63 bucks in my purse. All I want for Christmas is a charity check made out to Jill Crigger (that's me).

Friday, December 7, 2001
04:12 p.m.

Josh and I are talking again. We're supposed to go and see a movie tonight. I'm excited. He calls out of the blue sometimes and then all of a sudden we're back the way we used to be. I hate that Melissa came in between us, I hate that he let her. But what can you do? You make bad choices and then you have to deal with it.
I suck, by the way, in case you've forgotten that by now. I called Wylie a trillion and two times, being a "girl" and what not. I left some not very nice messages on his voice mail. BUT he tells me that he lost his cell phone for two days, he has $2.00 in the bank and zero minutes on his phone card (so he couldnt buy anymore..) AND his internet provider is down (so he couldnt email me back after I emailed him a dumb "what do you think about me moving up there" letter). BUAH!
I talked to him for like five minutes yesterday, and he said he'd call when he got home, but we went to Broad Street.
So, there's this guy Kelly (what- Jill's moving on?) that I kinda have a crush on. Funny thing is, though, he never showed ANY interest in me until lastnight. Why you ask? Well, Cletus (his real name is Steve, but everyone calls him Cletus..I dunno..) told Katy that he likes me and thinks I'm cute (aww). He asked me lastnight if I would go out with him sometime. I laughed, because he was playing a game with half naked girls on the screen. What a way to ask a girl out. I told him yeah, I'd like that. SO, supposedly we're going to go out tomorrow night. WHOOOO! Jill has a date she can actually be excited about! BUT since Kelly was showing interest in me lastnight I was doing the whole girl "I love Kelly.." deal. BLEH on my part. Kelly wound up staying the night at our house (long story), but never fear my dear readers, nothing happened. I'm not a slut, damnit. We just kissed and I really really needed that alot.
Cletus called today at 2 and we chatted for a minute until Kelly called out "Cletus is a male whore!". Lovely... So, Cletus knows that Kelly stayed over and told Kelly "I want to talk to you later..." Interesting...

Whoa, the fun doesnt stop there kids. Katy tried to get it on with yet another guy she works with. I love it when she gets drunk and starts molesting her co-workers. She cracks me up.

My brother lost his new wonderful job due to a drug test. You see, (this is my mother telling me what Stephen told her) "The other day your brother had a headache and Bonnie gave him one of her Darvasets (wow, I spelled that so wrong), and it showed up on the drug test. He didnt have a prescription for it, so they had to let him go. However, he does get to be rehired in 6 months." God bless him. This is what I think though, I think he flat out failed the test because he's a big pot head. He likes to smoke that weed, and well, I don't blame him. I don't do it often, like twice or three times a year, but when I do it, I have alot of fun. He's just too smart to do things like that though. I hope he finds another job soon. I want nothing but the absolute best for him. I absolutely without a doubt adore my brother. Eventhough he's a jerk most of the time.

No more updates really in my life. It's pretty darn boring here in the Boro. Wylie comes down in 22 days!!!!!!! I love him...not really, but I could.

Wednesday, December 5, 2001
07:17 p.m.

"Hey, you've reached Jill and Kate. Leave us a message after the beep and we'll call you back. Thanks! -beep-"

"Hey Jill, this is Wylie. I know you've already gone to bed, but I was calling to say goodnight. I want to say sorry for the way I've been acting the past few days. I've been distant becaquse I know we're so far apart and youre in another state...I miss you though. I'm sorry. I've just been pushing you away because it hurts..."

Drunk ramble from Wylie this morning at 5:00am.
I haven't decided if I want to email him and let him know how much he's hurt me by doing this, or just let it go. More than likely I'll let it go. I would, however, like him to know how it has hurt me by blowing me off and ignoring me. Oh well though. I have ZERO minutes on my phone card, so if he wants to talk- he'll have to call me. I can't call him anymore.
I know you have to be just as tired as I am hearing about Wylie- trust me, I get on my own nerves.
I need to stop letting this situation ruin my social life here. At first, when I got back from Colorado, I stayed at home, went to bed at 10, got up at 6:30, went to work, came home, went to my parents for dinner, went home, got ready for bed. That was my schedule EVERY single day. Now, I go out, occasionally, I drink a little more (but not alot...I STILL have to get up at 6:30), I have fun. I don't sit around waiting for 11pm when I get to talk to Wylie. In fact, I try not to be at home (not that he calls anymore...)
Anyhoo- just rambling.

Tasha isn't coming down now. She has to get her wisdom teeth out. ICK! No fun there! Oh well, we'll try for this summer.

I want a boyfriend. Someone to cuddle with. Someone to love. I want someone that I can make out with. Someone to kiss on New Year's Eve. Someont o buy Christmas presents for. Someone that will wipe away my tears, and laugh at my bed hair. That is all.

Tuesday, December 4, 2001
08:23 p.m.

Lastnight I sat in my room in tears, while reading through my old tattered blue and pink journal that Gabe gave me 4 years ago. My sophomore and junior years in High School were hell. Not so much the school part of my life- it was the hell that was going on with me.
Day after day I begged my parents to let me stay at home. I wrote for hours about how much I hate life. About how much I wished that God would take me in my sleep...
There was alot in there that upset me. I felt sorry for myself. I missed out on alot, but that's okay. It's made me who I am now. And eventhough alot of the times I will deny it- I'm happy with who I am. I'm not perfect, but no one is. I'm working on it though, I'm working on who I want to be, and until I'm there, this will be a learning experience. I'm okay with me.
But enough of that Dr. Phill stuff:)

I don't know how I feel about Wylie. I've put alot (thanks to the hour drive to and from work) of thought into it. Maybe I just like him because he's far away and I can ignore all the negative things that are in him.

I'm not going to call him anymore, though. If he wants to talk, he can call me. Anyways, I don't have anymore minutes on my phone card and Jill is one broke ass white girl.

true dat.

CHRISTMAS IS SOOOOON!!!!! buy me stuff!

Tuesday, December 4, 2001
06:08 p.m.

Email to Jessica:

To: Jessica@emailsaddress.com
Cc:
Bcc:
Subject:Blehhhhh

This is Jill stressed:
jklsfljsdlkjsdklfj
This is Jill stressed out on drugs:
:) yayyy....

The problem here? Jill doesnt have any drugs!!!!! Okay, so I was sitting in line at the bank yesterday thinking of ALL the things I have to pay for in January. Rent, regular bills, application fees, down payments (for apt.), Car Insurence...I'm thinking, okay, I can handle this as I was looking at my check book....hmmm....I HAVE TO BUY FRIGGIN TAGS FOR MY CAR TOO!!!!!! That's like an extra 100 buckaroos. Good grief, does this ever end?????
No.
I'm so stressed about that.
I hate Wylie, too, by the way. Just in case youre driving around in your car and you see him walking, feel free to hit him pretty hard. Don't kill him, because friends in jail arent fun family friends. Just break both of his legs and crack a few ribs. Are you thinking, "Wow, Jill...where is this coming from?" Let me tell you. Actually, I don't know. I just dont think that anything half way decent is going to be coming out of the two of us. Unless its a baby...but we dont get it on..so that's kinda hard to do. Anyhoo, we've been talking like two minutes, if even, a day. He totally blows me off, and of course I have to blow him off right back because, well, that's what we do, right Jess?
Sometimes I just want to be like DONT FRIGGIN COME DOWN HERE!!!! But, yeah, that would suck. But it'll probably suck worse if he does come down here. I dunno... But, on a brighter note, he said that he'd be more than happy to let you ride back up to the big CO after New Years.
Let's move far away, okay? Let's go to Australia or Canada. OR California. I want to go somewhere that I dont know a soul, and then have a new life.
I was reading, lastnight, some of my old journals from High School. I started crying because damn, I was really unhappy then. I've always wanted to get out of here, so let's do it, okay?
Not to Fort Collins, because, well, there's Wylie, and I'd kill him, and like I said before, friends in jail arent fun family friends.
Okay, it's about time for my medication, so I'm going to bust a move!
blehhhhh
xoxox (like a porn star!!!)
jill

I have alot to say. I have alot I want to tell you all. But right now I just don't have any time. Email me, sign my guestbook. I NEED LOVE!!!! And I don't get it from anyone here.

"...and you wake up to realize your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive..."

Sunday, December 2, 2001
08:30 p.m.

Yeah, I know, the guestbook is screwed. I'll fix it when I'm at work tomorrow.

So, my brother got a job (far away) and he'll be comuting back and forth for a while, til he moves. I was hoping (really hard) that he'd be gone by the first of February so I could move back home and have a room to myself (other wise I would be bunking with my niece..and that's not cool). Well, turns out he wont be moving until 4 or 5 months, so that totally screws up my plan on moving home, saving money, buying a car, going to school, moving in the summer to CO. Well, the last part is still a huge WHAT IF. And we all know how I live my life on what ifs.

Christmas is coming...and I am broker than ever. I owe SO much money to other things. I'm so broke I'm taking back my favorite camera today so I can get money back to put in the bank so I dont bounce my car insurrence check. Which, by the way, is due TODAY (a sunday) and if I don't send it in, then they will discontinue my insurence and yadda yadda...hello, they are closed. Whatever.

I'm pretty darn stressed out right now. I'm thinking about getting another second job again. Factually, I'm thinking about leaving my job in Nashville (Opryland Hotel- go see the lights :) and working in town. Which would be really nice (seeing as my car is about to die). But then I know for a fact I wouldnt be making nearly as much as I do now...

You know what I want? I want to get a job in town, move back home until the end of the summer, buy a 98 VW Jetta (silver), buy a new computer (unless Wylie sells me his this summer), save up enough to move in with Jessica (CSU/bestfriend) and Wyndi (her current roommate) in Fort Collins. And then go to school up there, and then after a year move with Jessica (if we can still stand each other after living together) to LA. Where she will proceed with her acting career, and I will finish school (if I havent yet) and get a job doing whatever I will be doing. Needless to say, I want OUT of Murfreesboro.

I don't know what would happen with Wylie and I if I moved there...I don't really care (of course I do, but I can lie). I feel like as long as we dont get a real chance to be together, then it couldnt fail, but if we ever do happen to live close enough to have that chance and it doesnt work out...then I was just fooling myself this whole time.

But what can ya do?

I can finish laundry and go back home...yup yup yup.

Oh, I had a date of Friday...talk about hell! And tonight I blew off Matt to do laundry. Apparently I'd rather blow out my knee caps than date anymore right now...I dont know myself sometimes.

Hope your December is starting off with pine trees and ornaments.
I HAVE to show pictures of my Christmas tree soon...it's so pretty :)

g'bye:)