Tuesday, July 11, 2000
11:11 p.m.

I didn't get my belly button pierced. We couldn't find a half decent place on 2nd Ave. And Stone Mountain was closed today for some odd reason. We're going back up there tomorrow. Well, to Opry Mills anyways. Going shopping. I'm gonna get some kinky stuff for Matt.

There's this really cool guy, Brad, that I've been talking to on ICQ. He's funny as all get out. Maybe you can see him if he's online. He's a cutie. He lives kinda close too. Matt- watch out!

Blah. Jessica is moving on the 9th. I'm really sad. Everything is going to be weird. I'm moving in January to Chatanooga. Crazy! Katy and I are going up there with her and then flying back on the 17 or something like that. That's a week away from Matthew. MTSU starts on the 23 or something like that. Blah. I'll be working til January. Saving up for school and moving out. I'm excited, but I'm going to miss Matthew tons and tons! Oh well, I have to do what I have to do.

not alot to say- xoxo.

Tuesday, July 11, 2000
01:48 p.m.

This huge pink cherried wrapping papered present was given to Matt to open for his last present. He knew it was from me. He tears off the paper to find a Staples box. Everyone is like "That's alot of Staples..." And then he cuts the box open to find tons of black tissue paper. He's throwing it everywhere, and then he sees it. His 4-track recorder. His mouth just drops open and he starts smiling. I have never felt so wonderful in my life. It's amazing how giving someone something can make you feel so great! Anyways, he kept telling me thank you all day. He's so cute! His dad, brother, friends, and cousins were in awe! It was great! He told me yesterday that he thinks its the best present he's ever gotten besides his car. That means alot...

So, matt and I are going to get married someday, I believe. It's scary. You know how sometimes you're like "I love him.." but there's a part of you that always wonders if it's true? It was l ike that with Gabe. I always had a doubt in my mind that this just wasnt what I really wanted. Don't get me wrong, I love Gabe. He's a great person, and means alot to me...but it just wasnt true love...

I am so in love with this boy. I couldn't be happier.

Okay, let's talk about how unhappy I am about my apperence. Hi my name is Jill, and I am shallow. It's okay, atleast I can admit it. Anyways, I'm fat. I'm sending Kiala some pictures, I'll post them soon. you guys can see me in my bathing suit. Fat rolls hanging over.. It's gross, pretty much. Blah. I'd love to bitch more, believe me, but I need to shower.

Oh, I'm getting my belly button pierced. Ouch!
xoxo

Saturday, July 8, 2000
11:01 p.m.

I finally got ahold of Katy. I was getting worried that I would have to drive to Murray alone, in my ghetto ride. I'm thinking that we'll leave pretty early. I would like to be there by no later than 1pm. So, that means we'd have to leave here by 10:30, no later. If I get up at 9am, I can be showered, hair fixed and cute by the time Katy gets up. This could work. We'll see.

Kate's coming over at like 3am, so she'll be sleeping on the way up to Murray, no doubt. Which isn't a big deal, I like to drive and listen to my own music. It's cool like that.

Blah. I'm going to hang around here tonight.
See ya around Monday!

Saturday, July 8, 2000
04:35 p.m.

I'm going to Kentucky tomorrow morning. I'm excited! I hope Katy can go with me. I hope she got off work. Otherwise, I'm going to have to drive alone, and that sucks alot. But I'll get to spend alot of alone time with my baby. Not really alone time, but still..whatever :)
Matt called me earlier. We talked for a bit. I asked if he is getting excited and he said a little. He said that his birthday last year sucked, so he wasn't going to get his hopes up for this years. He'll love it though. I hope. I'm getting nervous now though.

I went to a party lastnight. It was pretty cool. Lots of drinking, lots of playing darts. I had fun anyways. And I'm guessing that's what really matters. Alot of guys from Sigma Nu. Alot of guys I didn't know. Not a big deal, everyone was friendly, and that's what matters.

Jessica was taking water shots with Katy's 100proof shots. What a dirty ho. I told her that. Katy was done, but she kept drinking. Bless her heart. She passed out in my car, and then we went home a little after that. She fell off the bed, and she cried alot. I'm been so drunk that I've cried twice. I hate that. You always feel like the biggest loser in the morning, if you even remember anything. She had to be at work at 10, but didn't get there til 11. We didn't get home til 4:30 this morning. It's craziness. But it's our last summer together. It's so sad, really.

I'm going to get my film developed from lastnight and from when Matt was here. I miss that boy. If I can, I'll scan some at Jessica's house later.
xoxo.

Friday, July 7, 2000
04:45 p.m.

I am so incredibly exceited about Matt's birthday. Now that I'm over the shock of spending money, I'm ready to give it to him and see the look on his face. God, I really hope he loves this!
I'm worried about lil' miss Kiala. I know she loves Steven. I can tell by the way she talks about him. I know he loves her too. Things will work out and she'll see how amazing it is to be in love with someone who loves her back. She deserves to be happy more than anyone else I know.

Thursday, July 6, 2000
08:34 p.m.

Things are as crazy as you'll let them be. Things are insane right now.
I spent too much money on Matt's birthday present. I owe money on the phone bill. I have to get my car fixed. I'm just being careless with what little money I have. I have no clue how I'm going to be able to move out.
School. College. This is a toughy. To go or not to go? I have scholarship here at MTSU. I just don't know what I want to do. I do know what I want to do. Massage Therapy School. I can go to Tennessee Institute of Healing Arts. That's in Chattanooga, though. That's two hours away from Murfreesboro. That's another two hours between Matt and I. I just think that it's time that we spend a few months actually in the same zip code. We did when we first met- and him moving was a big adjustment. Him moving back will be a big adjustment and then me moving away will be a big adjustment too. I just don't know how many big adjustments a fairly new couple can go through before it takes a toll on the relationship. But I need to do what I need to do for my career, for my future. Who knows if Matt will be around six years from now to support me? I dont know that, he doesn't know that, so I need to do what I need to do to make sure that I have a secure income.
It's only as complicated as I make it.
I'm so lost in all of this.

But that's in January. What should I do between this time and that time? I could go a full semester and get some of this work out of the way. Matt says that I'm stupid for giving it up. For not going and getting my "crap classes" out of the way. Maybe I am being stupid...but he also tells me that I shouldnt worry so much about what other people think of me. How can I not, though?

Fourth of July. Happy Independece Day.
Does anyone else get emotional as the bands play and the fireworks go off? Maybe it was because I was high, but I felt like I really connected that night. Watching the explosions in the air, it truly lookes as if gun shots were going off. I thought about how many thousands faught to make the 80,000 people standing there in downtown Nashville free. They died for us. How amazing is that? Does the meaning get lost in the trips to the lake? the grilling out? the watermelon and face painting? Does the meaning suffer due to our traditional family day? Or is it because we aren't taught the real meaning of the 4th of July?

11 months away from Matt? Are we strong enough for this? Maybe I can find a place closer to Murfreesboro? Hopefully. I don't want to loose Matt to distance.
Maybe things will work out for the best. I know they will work accordingly to God's Plan. I just wish I knew the outcome of my life. I hope I don't wake up one day when I'm 37 and be dissapointed in my life. That's my biggest fear. Not loving what I'm doing and being alone.
It's tough being me.

Saturday, July 1, 2000
06:37 p.m.

This guy just told me that my webpage was weird. Buah, basically.
Gram and Grandaddy came over today. Grandaddy built a shelf to put in my parent's bathroom. Fun. I watched SuperStar with dad on paperview. Yeah, I have no life.
Everyone is at work. Of course the days that I'm off everyone cool is working at Buffalo's. I guess that's the way it is sometimes.
I'm broke and I spent all my money on Matt's birthday present. I'm not bitter about this, it's just that when I think about it from my parents point of view, it seems stupid to spend that much money on a person I've only dated two months (well, three on the 15th, but who's counting?). Oh well, this is something he's been wanting. Well, it's not EXACTLY what he wanted, it's a cheaper not as incredibly great version of it. But it's something for him to use until he can get a better one. I hope he'll like it. As his birthday get's closer, though, I'm scared that he won't like it, and that it'll sit in his room, under his bed only to taken out when I'm around, to pretend like he uses it. Buah. I'm so worried about weird things...
xoxo.jill

Friday, June 30, 2000
11:45 p.m.

The letter I wrote to matt is here! Read it and be jealous! Be warned- it's long, mushy and if you're single, it could possibly be suicidal. I'm just playing. In fact, don't read it, you won't like me anymore.
xoxo.

Friday, June 30, 2000
11:25 p.m.

Let's talk about sex.

Sex with Matt is wonderful. The best that I have ever had in my life. The way our souls conect and our hearts beat so closely together- nothing could make me happier...
..except a ring on my finger and a piece of paper that says we're married and we are united in the sight of God...
What can I do though? Okay, sure we have two options
1- Stop having sex.
2- Get the heck over it.

There are two complex sides to where I am coming from. The Christian point of view and then the sex is really good point of view. I'm trapped. My heart tells me that I should stop, my mind and body however disagree. I could easily (ehhh...) stop having sex with Matthew. I could tell him to his face, "Matt, as much as I love you, and as much as I love making love to you, I cannot any longer practice this sin. When we are married, then I will feel complete and feel right in the eyes of God. Then we will be able to continue this act of man and wife."

I'm not that strong though. I love sex. I love having sex with Matt. I love feeling him inside me. It's being closer than close. We are one. Our souls being united in the act that God created for two people who truly love, care, respect and believe in the other. I have that. I've found that person, I just don't want to wait another 2 years before I have sex again.

The night we got caught by the police was the scariest thing in my life. That night, though, was one the best times we've had (having sex, anyways). Hot, steamy, sweaty sex...that's the best. My nails clawing his back in the heat of passion. That's the best. My foot banging against my CD player, constant beeping making us laugh while rocking my car back and forth. My keys in the ignition slapping against the stearing wheel. With a night like that, how could anyone go back to not having sex? One week out of the month, my legs remain crossed, that's one week of not havng sex.

Blah. I need an orgasm to help me think!

Friday, June 30, 2000
07:44 p.m.

Daddy is home. A good, strong warm hug from his was needed.

Matt didn't come down. He'll be here on Sunday. I miss him.

Thursday, June 29, 2000
04:05 p.m.

I have so many people that love me and care about me. They keep me going. My friends and family. Thank you.
Matt sent me a message lastnight over ICQ: "Goodnight baby. Ive got several people praying for you, including me. I love you baby." Isn't he amazing? He's my light, my strength. When I have no one here, I have him. He fills my heart with joy. I love him with all my soul.
I'm supposed to be at the lake right now. Hanging out with my friends, getting some sun and partying it up. It's June. It's summer, I should be having fun. I'm waiting to see if Matt will be coming down tonight. If he does, then I'll wait for him to get here and then go to Center Hill Lake. We'll have fun. I just need some Matt-time. I need some holding me time. "I'll convince him to let me off Friday. I wish I could be there with you now". He loves me so much. Who could ask for anything better?

I haven't heard from dad today. Mom isn't going to go up to Nashville. I think he's coming home tomorrow. I hope he enjoyed his break. It's been weird not having him at home. But I think this is good for him. I think he needs to be out of this element for a while. It was a good break for me when I went to Texas. I miss Texas. I miss Kiala. Hopefully she'll be coming down in August. I hope so!

It's four something. i'm in my pajamas, washing clothes. i've been cleaning all day. i don't mind, really. i'm just kinda hungry. ick. sisqo's shakedown. there are some frightening people on there. if you're going to be on mtv, please work out and let people see your good body. i dont enjoy seeing rolls hanging out and your butt flapping everywhere. sorry, but that doesn't turn me on.
The hour drive to Center Hill will be fun, if Matt drives. I'm in a giving mood today.
xoxo.jill.

Thursday, June 29, 2000
01:27 a.m.

More than likey Matt won't be coming here to see me this weekend. I need him so much right now. I understand that he has to work, but it still hurts. I need him to hold me, tell me he loves me, tell me that everything is going to work out just fine and that he'll never leave me. I need that, but he can't give it to me right now. I can't blame him. He has other priorities right now.
Ben Harper's Steal My Kisses From You song, rocks my winamp right now. I love this song. I always have to steal my kisses from you...the guitar rythym is awsome.

I'm sleepy...but Matt's on ICQ. I'm not talking to him at all, but he's on, and this way I could talk to him if I need to say something.
xoxo.

Wednesday, June 28, 2000
10:47 p.m.

Mom went to see daddy today. He's doing okay. He lets everything build up until he just can't take it any longer and then he just explodes. He completely looses it. He needs an outlet, but I don't know what to do for him. What can I do?
I'm not sure if he's read my letter or not. He hasn't called and to say anything to me. I only answered the phone when he called to check to see if mom got home okay.
I know he loves her. I know she loves him. I know that eventually everything will be okay again. I dont know how I know, but I know.

Wednesday, June 28, 2000
04:12 p.m.

So, God if You’re there I wish You’d show me
And God if You care then I need You to know me
I hope You don’t mind me askin’ the questions
But I figure You’re big enough
I figure You’re big enough
‘Cause I am not big enough

-Big Enough-Chris Rice

Wednesday, June 28, 2000
03:43 p.m.

Dear Dad,
I love you. I could never say it to you enough. Eventhough we fight- I love you. I'll never not love you. I hope you know that.
God loves you too, Daddy. As musch as you have gone through - and as much as you will go through- this is part of God's Will. We won't be able to understand it- But His ways are so much higher than ours. I pray He will give our family strength and courage to come close together and overcome this battle. We all love you, daddy.

I know that you feel like youve failed us because you can't work. I don't see it like that. Ever since I can remember you've been at home with ys. Taking care of us. I've grown up with you always aroung. I thought I was lucky because you were always close by. I got to spend alot of time with you. A buch of kids hardly see their fathers, but you were always here for me. I was lucky. I am lucky. You didn't fail us daddy. God gave me the precious gift of being able to have you aroumnd. Look for the silver lining...

I know you haven't had it easy. I wish you didnt loose your father. I pray that I will never loose you. I dont know what I'd do without my daddy. It hurts me to see you sad. Just like it hurts you to see us sad. I want the best that life has to offer you. I want you happy. I want you to love life again. to love yourself again.

All I can do is be here for you daddy. To love you. To pray for you. If you need to talk, I'm around- just ask. If you need someone to pray with, I'm here. I always will be.

I love you daddy.

I I pray that you know how much we all do love you and care for you- I pray you don't loose faith and you know that all this craziness is for a reason. The Bible says that we feel like we dont belong on this Earth for a reason. We don't feel like we belong because we don't. Our Heavenly Home is waiting for us. When God is ready for us to join Him. His timing is always perfect and we just have to truest in Him will all we have. It's not easy, I know. Sometimes it feels hopeless. We just have to give all we have to Him. He'll take care of us.

I hope you know I love you. I hope you know I always will. You'll make it through this daddy. We all will.

Your little girl always, with much love,
Jill