Thursday, November 30, 2000
12:12 p.m.

Dad had shoulder surgery on Tuesday. He came home yesterday. He's in a great deal of pain, I wish more than anything he wouldn't hurt so much.

I have a date tonight. With that Haley guy. We're going to see The Grinch. I think Josh may have a hint of jealousy. I'm okay with that, though.
Yesterday I drove all the way out to his house (we're talking 35 minutes) so he could change my brake pads. I met his dad and his mom. They both love me. He told me that his mother thinks that I'm cute and sweet and his dad agreed. They asked him why he didn't like me like that. I just laughed. I have no idea why we don't like each other like that. We could fall in love- if we were atracted to each other like that. Don't get me wrong, Josh is sexy, and I had the biggest crush on him- but now it's just this wonderful friendship. We have a When Harry Met Sally type of relationship. Minus the having sex, ruining the relatioship, falling in love and living happily ever after. Although, I truly wouldn't be surprised if we wound up falling in love- say ten years from now.

I haven't talked with Jessica in a few days. I'm tired of calling her. I have so very little money, and what money I do have is spent on long distance.

Stress is taking it's toll on me. But I keep telling myself things will be fine, and they turn out to be- for the most part.

It's funny how a few simple words make all the differences in someone's life. While telling him how I thought everyone is really openminded and have open hearts, it's just that most people are scared to show it, he said to me, "I think you're wrong. You don't know how rare you are." I don't think you know how uplifting small comments can be sometimes.

Well, I'm getting to be random. I'll tell ya how the date goes. Be good!

xoxox.jill

Wednesday, November 22, 2000
01:54 p.m.

Joshy,
We've both come to the conclusion that I suck, right? Of course I do. So, the Austin thing- no thanks. He's a cool guy to have a crush on, and possibly pay for your dinner, but that's all. I don't want anything else. Would you care to know why? Well, I've decided that I'm staying away from the crackheads (oh yes, this is a first). He's not a crack head, but he's a pothead and that's just close enough, ya know what I mean? Of course you do.

Remember that guy, Haley? Well, his name is Michael Haley and he's 23, graduated, work at OIT (or something like that). He's a cutie- right? Well, he was sweet and nice and all that good stuff. He was a little forward, and we all know that I'm shy when it comes to guys. Well, I kept looking away but he told me that I shouldn't look away from guys- it makes them think the girl is intimadated. I was like, no, I'm just shy. (Which is the same thing, but you know this already.) So, We were leaving, and he asked for my number. I gave it to him and he said he'd call in half an hour. What time is it? oh, it's 2:08pm, the NEXT DAY. No, I'm not bitter. Of course not. Why would I be? I was only hoping that I could possibly have a date sometime in the near future. Josh- why do I suck so much?

Also, I think I'm going to call Tom, say Monday or Tuesday? Maybe we can do something next weekend. Who knows.

Well, that's the update on my ever so pathetic life. I love you! I hopeyou had fun lastnight. And that banana drink- pretty sure it was like pga (pure grain alchol). So, that's why in the matter of minutes I was so sweet and funny :) Amazing huh?

Anyhow- I'm gonna get. I love you! Be good!

xoxox.jill

Tuesday, November 21, 2000
01:37 p.m.

Possibly, you may want to look for a new layout. Don't hold your breath. I've been told by a few people that I need to change it. I like it, still, though. How could I ever get tired of looking at myself? -kidding.

Whoever comes here from binghampton.edu -would you please email me and let me know who you are? I'm curious.

I called the sports grill back about hiring poor lil' o me. He said that he's in the process of reviewing all the applicants and that's he's going to go on a hiring binge. He'll call me today, or tomorrow for another enterview- and then by Friday he's hiring like no one's business. I need to go back down to Nashville about my ABC card. I lost mine- and the lady said she can get me a new one. Whoo- that's sweet of her. I can't afford $30 and a 6 hour class right now.

I'm a little tired today. I've been sick latey. I threw up the night before last. It wasn't good. I went out last night- to the computer lab, so that's not really out. I brough Josh some left over chicken and rice I made. Then we just hung out, and then Katy came to type her paper. I stayed from 7 til 12. I'm cool- oh baby, oh.

Nothing is going on.xxoxo.jill

Monday, November 20, 2000
03:13 p.m.

Nothing is going on.

It's Thanksgiving break. I'm tired. I'm sick, too. I have a fever. Whoo- the fun never stops.

I haven't heard from the new place that I hope to start at. They said they'd call back in about two weeks. It's been two weeks today. I was going to call them, but I cannot find the number. I'd go by, but I don't want to be pushy. All I know is I need money. Lots of it, too. I have things I need to buy, things I need to pay off, and an apartment I need to pay for as well.

I talked to Jessica lastnight and it seems that her number is growing (but she's very reluctant to tell me). It's not that I'm going to call her out on the choices she's made. I just want her to be careful. One day she'll look back on the choices she's made and wish she would have kept her legs crossed.

Josh still has yet to talk to his parents. This is starting to irk me more than anything. Just tell them youre going to move into an apartment with two other people. On the big moving day- they'll meet us. They'll be shocked, but you know what? They'll get over it, too.

That's about all right now. Nothing is bothering me (other than the money situation).

be good, and HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

xoxo.jill

Thursday, November 16, 2000
05:27 p.m.

This is a letter I sent Josh. I'm getting there...

Alright, so you know I hate Matt right?
Good- at least we have this settled.
So, I wake up this morning with dried tears down my cheeks. I never cry in my sleep. Anyways, I have this dream that he came over to my house and we watched Dogma. All of a sudden, though, we were at his house watching it. Adam (his roommate) comes in and is talking about Matt Dammon (who is in the movie) and blah blah. Then Adam leaves. Matt and I are sitting on the floor, with blankets and pillows everywhere. Matt tries to kiss me, but I pull away. He tries to get all friendly, but I tell him no. (what? big surprise!) Anyhow, so I think I gave him a kiss on the cheek then I left. Before I left, though, he said something about finishing the movie later tomorrow. I was like cool- whatever. The next night, Jessica, Katy and some other girls and I went to a concert in Nashville. When it was over I called Matt (and I remember trying to remember his number- but I couldn't. Finally I remembered 896-4775), I dialed it and someone else answered the phone. I asked if I could talk with Matt and the person said that he was on the other line- but I said it would only take a second. He asked if it were Michelle or Natalie or some girls name. I said no, this is Jill. Anyways, Matt gets on the phone- I ask if he's coming over tonight and he kind of laughs and says no- like it the dumbest thing he's heard. And I was like, okay...I just thought you wanted to finish the movie. And he's like well, I have plans with -insert girl's name here- already. Then I go on to tell him how he can't try to kiss me, to touch me, and blah blah blah if he only wanted some booty out of it...yadda yadda, I let him know that he's hurt me and I'm crying- then I wake up.
The number though- is running through my head still, and I'm trying to think of whose number it is. So, I look through my phone book under Matt's name- but it's not their number. It's Gabe's number. You know, my ex- in NY. Interesting...
So, Guess who calls me today? Matt. He was like "I saw your name on the caller ID so I thought I'd call you back." I was like, "Yeah, I called to talk to Adam." "Oh."

So, I don't like him anymore. I didn't even really miss him when I talked to him. I think I'm over him. I THINK I'M OVER HIM!!! Do you know how awsome that feels? I mean, okay- I miss having a date every Friday and Saturday night. I miss that last call of the night- I miss having someone to hug and hold and sit on my feet. But you know what? I'll have that again. When I'm ready. When God's ready for me to have it again. Anyways, Matt wasn't half of what I really deserve. I may not be the best person in the world- but damnit- I deserve more than he could give.

Anyways- I'm happy about this. So give me a call- and if you don't then I'll page your ghetto butt! I love you Joshy!
Oh- and TALK TO YOU PARENTS ABOUT US MOVING OUT!! Please :) I LOVE YOU!!!
xoxoxox!!!
your sex slave, jill :P

Thursday, November 16, 2000
12:30 p.m.

day one

I'm too logical to be insane. I'm having body image problems (yet again). Today will be the first day of the diet. Water and fruit. I did this a few years ago- I made it to third period- where I bought some peanut M&M's and ate the heck out of them. I've tried the buliema spiel- that's not my thing. I just don't have the will power to not eat anything. So, if I keep drinking water, keep eating fruit (but fruit turns into sugar and sugar into fat and fat goes straight to my butt). Oh the trauma.

I'm half joking/ half not when I write all this. I bet if I lost about 20 lbs- I would be alot prettier.

What brought all this on? I ate a full tray of chips and dip. A FULL tray. That's alot of damn food. Okay, so Katy was helping me eat it, too- but still. I'm so retarded.

I had a dream about the crack head lastnight. He came over and we watched Dogma (it was playing lastnight on tv), we somehow made it over to his house- and Adam was in it too. He was saying something or another then left. Matt tried to kiss me, but I moved away. Matt tried to touch me, but I moved away. I think after awhile I gave him a kiss on the cheek and left. The next night- Katy, three girls, and I went to Nashville for some concert. I called him from this girl's cellphone and I asked if he were coming over tonight to finish the movie. He kinda smirked and said no. Like it was the stupidest question he has ever heard. We talked back and forth and I was pretty much telling him how unfair it was to come over, try to kiss me, touch me, and do the things that we used to when we were together- but he was just blah blah...and then I hung up. I think I started to cry- but then I woke up, with tears in my eyes.
The funny thing, though, is that I woke up with this feeling of calm, or something. I can't explain it. It was just this I'm so much better then he is, type of feeling. I want to find someone that is everything he wasn't. I want a good person to love me.

I want to stop talking about him.

Oh- apparently I'm a drug dealer. An old friend (and I use this term loosely) calls me wanting to know if I knew anywhere to get some rolls. I'm thinking go to Food-Lion or Wal-Mart. Yeah, he's talking about extacy, though. I knew that. I was like, ehh, the only person I know that might have some or have connections is an ex-boyfriend of mine. (surprise surprise- lets see how jill goes for the winners). Matt wasn't home so I asked Adam. Adam said to ask Matt. No thanks. I don't care that much at all.

buah. xoxo.jill

Wednesday, November 15, 2000
02:56 p.m.

Heaven, must be missin' an angel

I absolutely love the Charlie's Angels soundtrack. I want to go and see the movie sometime or another.

Josh, Katy and I went to see The Excorcist lastnight. Apprently they didn't care too much for it. I enjoyed it, though. I read the book a few years ago, and saw the movie. Of course when youre 12 youre going to get alot more scared then we all did lastnight.

I still defiently stressed about the moving out situation. Katy doesn't understand the importance of having money. She spends her money on stupid things. Like okay- I let her borrow so much money. Have I seen any of it? No. Lastnight I loaned her 7 bucks for the movie- will I see that? No. We eat out all the time- does she pay? No. I'm not bitching- I just don't think she realizes how much it's going to take to move out. I don't think she's going to be able to- which sucks so much- because I don't want anything more than for me to have my ass out of this house and into my own apartment. I have to get out of this house!

Who knows- maybe Kiala will move to TN- and we'll get an apartment together! That would defenitely be fun.

xoxo.jill

Monday, November 13, 2000
03:13 p.m.

Gabe has been on my mind alot lately. I haven't talked to him nor emailed him in a long time. He called a few weeks after he left for NY, but since then I haven't heard anything from him. I wonder if he's coming down for Thanksgiving. I'd love to get together with the boy. He's a really big sweetheart, and I guess I'll always love him. I share alot with him, and we'll always have that connection, I guess.

Guys need to just get out of my life all together. I just don't need the stress. I can't worry about wheather or not I'm hurting someone's feelings.

As soon as I get a little more money in my pocket and start this new job- then things will get better. When I get out of this house- things will be alot better. I'm just stressed- I need a vacation. I need to get the hell out of here!

This entry sucks. xoxo.jill

Saturday, November 11, 2000
08:32 p.m.

I want to sit down and write, I want you to know how happy I have been since you've been gone. I want you to know that I don't cry out your name, I don't wish you were holding me at night. I want you to know that I don't need you anymore. I want to believe all these things are true.

You would think after three months I wouldn't dream about you. I wouldn't want you back in my life. I saw you lastnight, though, and I wanted nothing more for you to hug me and tell me how much you still love me and want me back. When I talked to you, I avoided your crystal blue eyes, those eyes I fell in love with all that time ago.

But I'm stronger than yesterday. It's so funny how Britney Spears can give me inspiration. I love you, still, I know I always will. I'll get over you, though. I will love someone as much as I love you- and he'll love me back, maybe more than you did. I can't wait til then. In the meantime though, I hope that you can't get me out of your mind. I hope you remember all the good times, and you still smile when you think about me. I smile, even though sometimes it's through my tears, when I think about you.

xoxo.jill

Sunday, November 5, 2000
05:24 p.m.

Friday my friend Michael Trail was killed in a car accident. I saw him earlier on Friday, driving. Only about two hours before the accident. I honked and waved at him- he waved back. I told myself that I should call him later- but I never did. I hadn't talked to him in a few weeks, and now I'll never have another chance to talk to him. Everywhere I go, I think of him. All down the streets there are campaign signs with TRAIL in huge letters. It breaks my heart. I know that he's in a better place, though. I know that he is looking down on all of us from Heaven- wishing that we wouldn't cry. I pray that God will comfort his family, his parents, and all of us, his friends. I just cannot believe that he'll never be around again.

I fell okay, though. I know that he's somewhere I'll be someday. I know that God took his life for some purpose- I just hope that his parents will know that too.

The visitation is tomorrow, and the funeral on Tuesday. I called Jess yesterday, and we're going to go together. I can still feel his hug, his kiss from the last time I was with him.

His number is still in my phone. His picture on my wall.

I gotta get going.

xoxo.jill

Sunday, October 22, 2000
11:36 p.m.

ohmygosh.

Hi. So when you don't have money to get your car fixed right away and you still drive it- do you know what sometimes happens? Well- it usually breaks, and of course my car breaks. Eventhough the brakes have absolutely nothing to do with the timing belt. Katy and I broke down on the way to Nashville- not a good thing. Especially when you don't have your phone with you.

Now I rely on Kate to pick me up, take me places or just borrowing her car.

I went to church with Josh the Sunday before last, and well, yes, I had lots of fun.

Katy and I went to Indiana for Fall Break. Fun Fun Fun. We got back yesterday. I went to see Meet the Parents with Josh. Pretty sure he pissed me off. But of course, what's new? Oh- Josh said the night before we left, right before he was on his way home, "If I asked you out..", but my stupid ass thought he was talking to Katy so I walked away. Now he won't tell me what he was going to ask,but whatever. I'm not too worried about it. But who am I kidding? I like the kid.

We went to Oxygen. Whoo- lots of fun. I guess. Bleh- this entry sucks massive twankers, but that's alright. I'm tired and all that jazz, so goodnight and sweetdreams.

yeah, I'm alive and I've missed writing.

xoxox.jill

Monday, October 9, 2000
04:06 p.m.

Stress was about two months ago. Stress was when I still had time to get some of my shit done. I am beyond stressed right now. I have two months to get all my shit together for Spring. I have two months to get enough money to move out- school for spring- fix my car- and Christmas money. I am totally broke. I am beyond broke. I'm in debt. I owe 150 bucks still on Matt's birthday present. I need $95 to get my damn car fixed. I have no money. I have totally no money. I need to get my ABC card so I can start serving, but I can't get that til I get some money- yet I can't get a job unless I have that damn card.

I owe Amy $60.

I have so much to do and I don't know where to begin. Maybe all day Thursday I'll listen to 107 and try to win the $1,000 they give away every hour. That would make me lots less stressed.

Saturday, October 7, 2000
03:36 p.m.

I stayed at home lastnight til 11:30- then I finally went out. Katy called from work saying she was getting off. As soon as I got off the phone with her, Mike called- I asked if he wanted to go with me- I went to UC to pick him up. Then we drove to Applebee's to get Katy. He kept asking what was wrong- I told him nothing, just family stuff (which is true). He was being weird. We got Katy- took her to her house so she could get some warmer clothes (it's turned from 80 to 40 overnight). Josh called on the way out to Lascassas, I asked if he was coming down tonight. He said he was. Uh-oh: Mike and Josh= Jill being a loser. Mike didn't want to go with us to Wal-Mart (I guess he knew Josh was meeting us there), he was being kinda mean about it all. Katy said he knew that I was talking to another guy on the phone and got upset about it. I really hate that. I really like Mike. He's an awesome guy- but I also really like Josh. I'm just not going to try to do anything with either of them for a while- and see what happens. I know Mike likes me, but I don't know what Josh is thinking.
We hung out with Josh til 3am. Steak and Shake and Wal-Mart. Yes, there isn't anything to do in this town. I had fun tho. I wish Katy would have, tho.

It's 3:49- I'm super bored, and there's nothing to do. I went to the tanning bed a moment ago- and took Katy home. I want to go to a haunted house tonight- Mike doesn't want to go- Katy doesn't either. I'd ask Josh- but I don't know- I'm just confused.

blah. this entry sucks. blah.

Stephen has a hella hang over- funny stuff. It's my dad's 49th birthday! I bought him this card that had me in tears at Wal-Mart lastnight (can we say overemotional?)

xoxox.jill

Friday, October 6, 2000
04:50 p.m.

I haven't gotten a reply from the email I sent him. Maybe he hasn't gotten it- maybe he doesn't want to hurt my feelings and shoot me down. I just said that I thought I was begining to get a crush on him (understatement) and that I thought he liked me too, but I could be wrong.

I stayed over at his brother's apartment with him lastnight. He didn't even kiss me. He didn't even try. There were about 5 different times I just wanted to lean in half an inch closer and kiss him- but I was afraid of his reaction- afraid that if that's not what he wanted then it would ruin the friendship we already have. So, I'll just hold my breath- and hope that maybe something will come up- if that's the plan.

It's Stephen's birthday. He's 21 today. We're getting so old! My dad's birthday is tomorrow- he'll be 49.

Nothing much to say- nothing is going on tonight- that I'm aware of. I was going to go with Mike to the BGA football homecoming game- but he's going to "cruise around 2nd with some soccer guys". "MTSU soccer boys?" Heck yea:)- I wanna go.

"I'm giving up on guys." Said the girl that's boy crazed.

This has been an unproductive day. I spent 2 hours at the DMV getting a new lisence- I like to loose mine. 2 hours, and I had to pay $24. How ridiculous is that?!

blah.xoxox.jill

Thursday, October 5, 2000
12:09 p.m.

Why do crushes make people go insane? Lastnight Josh and I were hanging out, as usual. I met him at Papa John's so he could get his pizza. I then followed him to MTSU, where we sat on a picnic bench eating. He showed me the inside of where he works- then we went to the balcony of the business building. We're basically playing 20 questions- and then I start laughing at something he said. I finally told him and then he left- so I followed him because I hadn't a clue how to get out of the building and back into the computer lab. Well, I lost him, and decided to just sit outside the front of the building and wait for him. I sat. I waited. I sat some more and the I saw him threw the window- flipping me off. Feeling the love, let me tell you. He finally came outside and walked to our cars. I asked if I could drive his car and he let me. Right, I'm not sure what he was thinking. We this girl he went out on a date with last Friday. Fun. Then we drive around campus, and he says something that hurt my feelings.

Note:I am an extremely sensitive person. I take everything anyone says to me to heart. Anything can make me cry, basically.

So, I get quiet- just driving the car- and I drive back to where my car is at. We play football out on the lawn for a moment- and then I go inside to use the bathroom.
He said he didn't like the fact that I'm uncomfortable around him. I'm not uncomfortable- I just get my feelings hurt fairly easily. Sorry. He wouldn't explain- I started getting pissy- I told him I don't think I should play football with him anymore- he told me to leave- I got my keys and phone out of his car- I left.
Of course then I called him. I asked him to go to the park- he said no. I said he was being mean and that he really knows how to make people feel badly about themselves. I was being really mean to him.

He told me earlier that night- that when he goes out on a date he really likes to compliment girls. He likes to butter them all up and make them feel really good- even if he doesn't like them. Oh well, sucks to be me.

So, we're going to be friends- I crush- I get shot down. I guess it's like that sometimes. He was supposed to call me when he got home lastnight- he didnt. He asked lastnight if I wanted him to call me tomorrow- I told him he could if he wanted to. I won't hold my breath.

xoxox.jill

Wednesday, October 4, 2000
02:36 p.m.

I'm 18 now. It wasn't as grand as I had dreamed of it being. But I had an awesome birthday weekend. We partied alot, and had tons of fun.

Katy and I went to Abercrombie to spy on Josh. Let me just say that he is as hot in person as in that picture he sent me. We didn't say anything to him that night, tho. We just casually walked by- and bought a few things then left. I called him Friday night to tell him that we saw him. He was sad we didn't say anything to him.
"Hi, Josh- Guess who I am?" That's alright, but thanks.
Saturday night I talked to him for a long while on the phone. Sunday, though, I asked him to go with Kate and I to dinner. He was late, so we wound up at Steak And Shake. He's just as funny and precious in person as he is on the phone. Not to mention the best dressed guy I've ever met in my life. We wound up staying out all night long just hanging out and talking. I made him stay awake til 5am talking with me. He's adorable!
Monday night he got off work at midnight and I asked him if he wanted to go to Wal-Mart with me to drop off some film. He did. We went to Jack in the Box afterwards, then we ate at the park. We went back to Outback where my car was and played football in the parking lot til 3am. It was the most fun I've had in a while, actually.

Lastnight he got off work at 9, from the computer lab, and he wanted me to bring him something to eat, but I didn't. He asked me to go with him to Burger King so I met up with him there. We drove around afterwards, talking on our phone like big nerds, then we wound up sitting in the MTSU parking lots watching the Frats play flag football. He stuck a screwdriver in my ear. Talk about love...He felt bad tho. I got upset about things (screwdriver, rocks...) and had to pick Katy up so I left. He got a phone call from this friend of his who really likes him. He let me off the phone so he could talk with her. He called me about an hour later and was telling me the problems. Josh decided he was going to go back to Nashville, to his brother's place, so I was telling him a quicker way to the interstate. I told him,"You see that red light, where the Golden Gallon is? Well, if you pass that and take a right where the road veers off, and then take another right? The last house on the left is mine." He was like that's cool. I asked him a few minutes later if he found the interstate and he said no, I accidently kept going and took that first right. I was like crap- I have no make up on, I have my pajamas and I'm looking funky. But he came over, and we sat in his car and talked for an hour. He was trying to get me to go with him to his brother's so we could hang out later.

I know what you're thinking,"Booty Call"- but it's not like that with him. We're getting to be really good friends. And I'm developing a huge crush on him. He's so cute, and so sweet. He's everything that I've wanted in a guy- and then some. I just wish I could have met him a year ago- before I started partying and not doing exactly the Christian thing- ya know?

so, I'm confused. Josh confuses me. We flirt all the time- but then he's kidding half the time. He hasn't even tried to kiss me, but he says,"We're more than that." But I don't exactly understand. I want to ask him about it- call him or email him. I just don't want to be shot down.

His last class is at 6- we're going to do something or another then, I guess. He wants to see my hair. I had it tinted, highlighted, and cut. It looks like it did back in March. It looks alot better.

Goodluck Kiala- let me know how things work out. Love you girly.

xoxox.jill