Saturday, September 29, 2001
06:55 p.m.

19!

Whoo.

Check this out. Justin sent me a sweet birthday card. He's a doll. I cannot wait to get my booty up there to see him. I still have all these feelings for him. I miss him.

They are trying to make me work tonight. But it is so not happening. It's my birthday damnit, and I will be at the house drinking like the fish I really am deep inside.

Our neighbors are moving out. I hope some hot guys move in next to us. That would be awsome.

I need to go, though.

Thanks for calling Kiala! I'll call you back when I get a chance and a new phone card! LOVE YOU!

xoxox.Jill

Thursday, September 27, 2001
05:19 p.m.

My friend Wylie that I met in Colorado. He went hiking at Glasier Mountain one morning after having a party at his house. Looks pretty darn good for being hung over. Wylie

Thursday, September 27, 2001
05:12 p.m.

Saturday is my birthday. I have to work that night. "You'll make awsome tips, though."
Yeah, but its my birthday. I want to go out with my friends. I want to be at the house drinking like the fish that I am. I don't want to be serving people damn food. Nope, not kosher with me at all.

Update on guys: They suck. I still love Justin. I'm going up there in October, still. He says he still wants me to come. I'm so there.

Nothing new, just dead tired as always. Horrible cramps, too. (A friend)Gary's roommate wants to go out with me on a date. Neh, guys suck too much right now. Fun fun.

That's all. I'm about to die.
bleah. jill

Saturday, September 22, 2001
06:37 p.m.

And life slowly fades back...

I am beyond tired. Working two jobs is absolutely insane. Hopefully, though, I will have enough money to get my butt back to CO for a few days.

I had a horrible dream about Jessica. We got into this huge fight, but she knew all these karade moves. I got my ass kicked. Then these black guys were following me back to my house (which kicked booty by the way). This one guy was trying to start crap, but I wasn't having. I went inside and called the police. Half a second later, all these bike potrol cops were at my house arresting all the black guys.

I think it's because I had a table of black people that ran my ass to death, but didn't tip at all. I was pretty pissed off. And the Jessica thing? I don't know. I just don't feel as if we're that great of friends anymore. I never talk to her. I never email her. Hell, I talk to Justin more than I do her.
Speaking of Justin, I don't even think he wants me to go to CO anymore. I hate just to ask "Look, do you even want me to come up there still?" He is, afterall, the main reason I wanted to go back up there. I can't help it. He was awsome. However, though, my feelings have faded, like I'm sure his have as well. Maybe when we hug again it'll light everything back up. Granted it might not.

Either way, I still hate life in TN and when I finally get my way out- I'll never look back.

I'm gaining weight. I can't stop. I'm very disgusted in my outer apparence. Pretty happy with my inner self though. And that's what's more important. To me, anways.

Will, a guy I work with (he's 17 and a junior in HS) asked me out to his homecoming this weekend. I have to work. Bless his heart. He's a cutie, and if I were in HS I would deffinently go out with him.

That's all of my superficial life stories.

xoxox.jill

Tuesday, September 18, 2001
03:56 p.m.

One week ago today all our lives changed. How do we go back to the way things were? Can we ever go back to how they were before?

I sit here and wonder if I should go ahead with my shallow tales of what's been going on. About how my life hasn't changed that dramatically. How I still get up everyday and go to work. My schedule stays the same. My only change- seeing it on tv everyday, seeing all the American flags in everyone's yards, the one's on people's cars, my red, white, and blue ribbon on my antena. Yet, I still go out, do my regular things. I feel shallow for it. I feel guilty for not stopping my life and being affected as tragically as those in NYC, those that have lost loved ones.

Laura Bush is on Oprah.

Friday, September 14, 2001
09:53 p.m.

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."
-Semisonic
Closing Time

Friday, September 14, 2001
07:35 p.m.

Tonight at 7pm the entire nation was supposed to go onto their front porch and light a candle. We did.

My heart breaks for the victims and their families. My prayers go out to them. I do pray that God will comfort the country.
When I heard the news on Tuesday, I was at work in Nashville. The entire city was being closed down. I left, and sat in two and a half hours of traffic. I listened to the radio for some insight on exactly what was going on. All the surrounding passangers just stared with blank expressions. People were getting out of their cars to talk to others. I have never seen anything like that before. Finally, when I got to my apartment, I called my parents. I asked if my brother had gotten home from Nashville yet, he hadnt. I was scared for everyone. I was scared for NY and all the people there. Later that night, I went to my other job. We sat around and talked about what was going on. I was nearly in tears. Arabs manage the store, and we had two threats while I was there for the five hours. I was afraid. It just shows you how redneck people here actually are.

I'm just tired. I feel helpless. All I can do is pray for the families, the victims, the country and our leaders. I hope that you will too.

I pray that no other lives will be taken due to this tragedy. I pray that we will overcome this, and our country will be stronger and unite together. I pray that the rescuers will be able to save more lives, and that they will stay encouraged and hopefull. Dear Lord, have mercy on all of us. Be with us all.

Monday, September 10, 2001
07:58 p.m.

I start my new (2nd) job tonight. 9pm until 2am. Whoo. Not really. Then I get to go home and nap until 7am and get ready for work again. 9am until 5pm, and then it starts all over again. Why am I doing this? Well, you see, I'm broke. I have lots of bills. Let's list them, shall we?
-1,000 credit card bill
-200 for Jessica
-300 phone bill
-302.50 for rent
-200 for other bills
-300 for my plane ticket to CO
-200 left on a certain birthday present to a certain exboyfriend.
That is all. Wanna make donations to the broke ass white girl fund? It would be cool.

So, Kate's birthday was yesterday. I spent 60 bucks on beer. Seeing as it was a Sunday, the first Titans game, and rainy lastnight, only like 9 people came over. It was sad. We have around 40 beers chillin in our fridge. Too bad I can't drink for the next year. I have no time to be an alcholic. It's sad, yes.

19 more days! Whoo! Big time party on the 29th.

Must go and sleep for the next half hour. Or call Justin, whatever.

xoxox

Saturday, September 8, 2001
10:14 p.m.

whoo. pictures of justin.

Being the pimp that I love so much. Yes, he's a dork. 1
Trying not to pose for a picture. Yet, being incredibly adorable.2
I have no idea. I don't ask question. 3

Okay, if this isnt working for you, then just type in http://geocities.com/jill_crigger/images/ and then look at them. I dont know why I'm so gay with comptuers now.

Saturday, September 8, 2001
09:54 p.m.

I guess the thing that hurt me the most is when people aren't honest. I got an email from this guy that I've been talking to. I thought we were just friends, apparently he thought we were doing some more. Well, he emailed me, appologizing for not calling for the past two weeks. Not a problem. He's a college freshman this year, he's doing this whole exploration of himself and his new surroundings. I know how exciting that is, so I gave him the time do it all on his own. I was just hurt that he had really been ignoring me because he thought that I wanted more from the friendship. If he had only been honest with me, then things wouldn't have gotten weird. I care about this guy alot, he's helping me with my relationship with God. I clung to that, knowing that I had a strong Christian friend. And now, well, I just feel like I don't know him nor do I want him as a friend.

I'm upset.

I've got Justin on AIM. He's such a cutie. I miss him. But I don't think I should go to CO this fall. What's the point? He's going to be moving on, and so will I. And I have, kinda...
I met this guy Luke where Katy works. He's a cool guy. But he's moving in October, so I dont really think anything is going to be developing from that. But he's fun to hang out with until then. I don't think I really need a guy right now. I'm kinda emotional, and I don't want to get hurt. I'm certainly not in the mood for it.

I havent eaten in two days. I've not been hungry. And when I do get hungry I dont have time to get food. So then the hunger passes and I'm fine again. I'll eat something soon, though, I'm starting to feel draggy.

Hmmm...Tomorrow is Katy's birthday. We're having a big bash for her. The big 1-9! We're such youngsters. I know. Well, 21 more days, and I'll be there too.

buhbye

Wednesday, September 5, 2001
07:33 p.m.

So, my life might be a little bit more pathetic than I thought.
Let me explain. My daily routine goes a little like this. Get up, go to work, eat lunch, pretend like I'm working a little bit more, go home, sit in traffic then get home, sit around the house for a little bit, change clothes, come to my parents and check my email to see if Justin has written me. I just realized that that is what I usually do everyday. I'm a dork. It's official.

Mammaw comes home on Friday. I don't think I ever said that she was put into a "home" while I was in CO. She broke her foot and needed 24 hour care. Sue (my aunt) thought it would be best to put her there until she had the cast on (the doctors wanted to wait two weeks before putting her foot in a hard cast). So, she gets to come home. When I got back from CO I went to visit her. She looked awful. She was confused, frustrated and stuck in the past. She sometimes didn't know who I was. She didn't know who Katy was. The people that work there are horrible. They are mean, uncaring, and impatient with the people that live there. I was deeply irritated with a few while I was there. Not a big fan of rest homes.

Mammaw's sister Lular died a few weeks ago. Mammaw didn't really understand what had happened. Mom and dad get her couch. So, Katy and I get their old couch, which is practically brand new. Only thing is- we have to get rid of our dogs. New couch or dogs. Since Katy and I don't really particularly like cleaning up dog shit and pee, we're opting for the couch. However, though, we have to get rid of them by tomorrow. I called numerous shelters and all of tehm are full as of the moment. I suppose we'll take them to Wal-Mart and try to unload them on poor customers. Yes, that will have to be the plan. Unless you would like them? Tehy are beautiful and someday I will have pictures of them up. Someday I will have a picture of Justin and I. He's so dreamy. Wow, I'm a nerd.

Today, I got home early. It was around 3:30, and Katy was still asleep on the couch. I was pretty peeved about this. All I want to sit down on my couch and watch a little tv. The remote is somewhere in between the couch cushions, so I just flip it on manualy. I turn it to the Food Network, which I love, and turn it up just a bit too loud. I'm becoming a bitch, I know. So, I watch tv, fix a little food. Shut a few cabinet doors a little hard and might have hyped the dogs up just a little too much so they would start fighting. She woke up, and I acted surprised. By this time though, it was nearly 5:00. We went to dinner not too long after this.

Something is irritating me. Something that I just can't pinpoint. It's that time a year again, where I get super moody, incredibly bitchy and unlivable. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's nearly October, and soon after it will be the day when my childhood stopped. It will be October 25th. This year how am I coping? Going on a trip to Colorado. Being out of Murfreesboro will help, I hope. Being around Justin will help, I hope. I'm excited. I hope that things aren't weird between us. I hope things will be like they were when I was there. Just nice. I want to be surrounded with nice.

peace out little ones. i need to go.
xoxox

Tuesday, September 4, 2001
06:29 p.m.

I'm feeling guilty today. Guilty for all the things I've ever done wrong. I'm feeling guilty for all the sex I've ever had. I wonder how much different my life would be if I would have stayed a virgin all those many years ago. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change who I lost my virginity to. I wouldn't change what had happened, it's made me into the person I am today. And as strage and rare as it is that I say this, I like who I am. I'm not happy all the time, but who is? I'm not sad all the time either. I have my ups and downs and inbetweens just like everyone else. Sometimes I want to not wake up in the morning and other days I thank God that he has given me one more day to live. I'm the ultimate girl. I do the girliest things one minute and then I'm doing the "guy things" a minute later. I fall in love too easily and I get my heartbroken atleast once a week. I'm too sexually active. Well, not lately, but in the past, the not too far past, I've done alot of things (or people for that matter) that I shouldn't have. I wasn't in love with these people. I didn't even like them all too much. They weren't my boyfriends, I didn't even have their phone numbers. So, what am I saying? I'm saying that I'm going to stop having sex. It's pretty simple, I hope. I get drunk, go to clubs, make out with random guys. My solution? Still get drunk, still go to clubs, but don't make out with random guys. Don't get completely retaded drunk. Just get a good buzz on so I can be a little less white when I dance.

On a completely different note. I want to talk about Justin, in Co. I keep asking myself why I just totally felt connected to this guy. We talk all the time still, email each other every other day. But why do I feel so bonded? We slept together. We never had sex. We didn't do anything sexual. We kissed and we hugged. We held each other so tight that we couldnt breathe. I fell asleep in each others arms and woke up in each others arms. We kissed with such passion, and with such hope. I cried my first night back in TN. I slept with his little pig pillow he gave me. I held it so tight and wished so hard that he could be there with me. Everyday I think about him. Everyday I miss him. Katy and I are planning on going to CO at the end of October. But who am I kidding? I know that the two of us will never be together. I know that we'll never be able to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I know that he'll never move down here, and trust me, I wouldnt want him to. I would move up there in a heartbeat. Not only to be with him, but to get out of here. The more I live here, the more I want to get the hell out. Don't get me wrong, I love TN. I love where I grew up, I love the friends that I have here. I'm just ready to get out and see what else is out there. I want to move and fall in love and be my own person. I want so much, but I don't have the courage to do it. I'm a scared and week person. I'm frightened of the unknown. I am so fascinated with it, too. I need out. I need a one way ticket. Bleh. I'm in a weird mood.

peace out :)
xoxox.jill

Friday, August 31, 2001
11:25 p.m.

So, it's september now. I'm going to "try" again at this. I really miss having an online journal for some reason.

So, my trip to Colorado was awsome. I love every second of being there. I met this awsome guy, Justin while I was there. He's completely amazing. I know we would have a great time together, if we were together. Oh well, though, what can you do? We email and talk on the phone alot. Other than that, there's nothing to do. I'm going back up in at the end of October. It'll be fun, I'm sure. I hope, anways. I just want to kiss him again. I want to hold his hand again.

I'm not going to school this semester. I'm just working. It's very boring, and I need something/one else to occupie my time. I get bored very easily, and I need entertainment all the time. Katy is working weird hours, so that leaves me with alot of alone time. Anyone want to be my boyfriend? Not that I really want one, because they aren't Justin, but I'd like to have things to do. For example, it's Friday night and I'm on the computer. Not saying that I'm not having a good time, but I'd rather be out at a movie, or sitting downstairs in the living room with someone. Instead it's just the two dogs and I, chilling out on a Fridaynight. Whatever though.

So, if anyone knows how I can get a damn image on the left here, I would be greatly thankful if you'd let me know. I've become completely html illiterate over the years. Once upon a time I had so much fun designing websites, but now, it just gets frustrating. I'm cool like that I guess.

Tomorrow I will look for a weekend job and clean the apartment. Wow, my life is so much fun.

Kevin (old boyfriend/friend/met through yahoo.chat/met in real life several times/from Nebraska/parents are originally from TN) moved back down here. I havent talked to him yet, but I'm excited to get together and hang out. The last time I talked to him I was pretty drunk and we talked about Justin. I said something like, "Oh, Kevin, you know I love you and only you. Let's get married and get out of TN." I'm such a dorky drunk.

-Jill's plan of happiness-
+get a job for more money
+go back to school in the spring
+move out of TN in the summer
+find someone to move with me
+marry Justin and have two babies
+grow old with him and live happily ever after

Those are my goals.

My birthday is in 29 days! WHOOO!

I'll be 19. I'm such a baby.

peace out, yo. xooxx.jill