Tuesday, August 1, 2000
08:38 p.m.

I'm home for a few hours tonight. Well, maybe just two.

I'm doing a load of laundry, updating my page, talking to a few people on ICQ and waiting for Matt to call me back.

Not alot has been going on, really. Friday night I went to the Kappa Alpha party. That was lots of fun. Stayed the night at Scott's house, got up, came home, took a shower, and went to Matt's house. We went to Wal-Mart, we cooked dinner together and just hung out. I stayed the night, to keep him company. We woke up, I went home, took a shower and stuff, went to Buffalo's to get my check, then took mom over to Matt's to meet his parents. It went well. I think they would all get along, say in five years when we get married:)

Anyways, tho.

Lastnight Adam finished moving in. We rented a game for Adam's playstation, some boxing game that I kick ass in. I'm not aloud to play with them anymore. It takes me back to Texas. ANKLE DEATH SUCKS! (reshawn-buah buah!) Today Jessica, Matt, Adam and I went to Oprymills to shop. They took my car and Jessica and I were in hers. We lost them on the Interstate and then found them an hour or so later when they were about to head back to the 'boro. Fun Fun Fun. Jessica and I got back at 8:00, and I came home. Wash, Dry, and then leave.

On a different note: I cried myself to sleep lastnight in Matt's bed. He was alseep, and I made sure I was quiet so I wouldn't wake him. I'm not sure why I started to cry. I was scratching his back and kissing his shoulders while he was asleep, he always makes yummy noises, and then I started to cry. Partly because I needed him to hold me then, but he was sleeping instead, and partly because I have been extremely emotional lately.

Life is great. Still confusing, still stressful, still annoying sometimes, but when I'm in the arms of Matt, when he's holding me tight and loving me so much, it's hard to see the bad things that are going around.

I love you, Matt.
forever and always.

xoxo.jill

Tuesday, August 1, 2000
12:31 a.m.

I wish I had time to update. I've been with Matt (surprise surprise) non stop, basically, since Saturday when he moved back to the boro. I slept over on Saturday night, and I'm going to tonight too. Just came home for a minute to get some clothes.

Life is great. Life is wonderful.

I love Matt with all my heart. He makes me so happy. He compliments me in ways no other guy has ever been able to. He completes me, as Jerry Mcguire as it sounds...it's true.

I'll update more when I have time. Soon my loves, soon.

xoxo.jill

Friday, July 28, 2000
02:17 a.m.

Blah Blah.

I talked with Kiala a little while ago. She's so crazy. She and Steven are so cute, tho! Pretty sure, he's a very lucky guy. He treats we good too, which she deserves more than anyone else I know!

Matt will be here in a little under 48 hours. This time Saturday, I will be laying in his arms, falling asleep with him beside me. Finally, I've been waiting to be able to do this again, since he moved in early June. I miss waking up next to him, scratching his back and kissing his shoulders until he woke up. Then we'd talk a little, kiss a little and then before I knew it, we'd be making love. He's the only guy I've slept with in the morning. The only guy I've ever fallen asleep in his arms.

I could never explain my love for this guy. I could never justify my intense feelings with only words.

I'm rambling tonight. Not a big surprise tho. I don't really like the layout anymore. I'm a lazy girl, tho, so it'll stay like thsi for a while.

Wednesday, July 26, 2000
10:05 p.m.

Matt's moving on Saturday. I cannot wait. I have missed him so terribly much. Saturday night I will be sleeping in his arms, and Sunday i will be waking up next to him. I'm excited and scared too. For nearly three months we have been so far apart. What if we get tired of seeing each other? What if we just get on each others nerves? What if I come over too much and he tells me to go home, then I get upset and cry?
We'll be together from the 29th until the 8th of August. Then I'm going to Colorado with Jessica and Katy. I'll be home on the 19th or 20th. MTSU starts on the 21st. I'm going to start MTSU in the fall I think. I'm so confused with what I want to do. I want to go to TIHA in Chattanoga, and I told Matt that I just don't want to be that far away from him again. He said that I shouldn't put my dreams on hold. I should do what I want to do and then we'll figure the rest out together. I know another two hours wouldn't break us apart, but I'm just so tired of being out of reach. The phone bills, the gas money, the few nights a month together, it's so hard. It's tough on me.

We'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Right now, I'm focussing on getting a full time job, saving money, moving out, and then when January rolls around, I had just better have my shit together. To MTSU or massage therapy school in hendersonville. Whoa is me, I tell you.

Brooke(my adorable two and a half year old niece) painted my finger nails today. Well, more like my nuckles, but she's a cutie and she was all,"Whoooo, so pretty, Jill!" She's my sweetheart! I think I'll miss her the most when I move out!

Well, I'm trying to find good deals on a couch! If anyone is getting rid of one, let me know! :)

xoxo.jill

Saturday, July 22, 2000
01:21 a.m.

I'm waiting for Matt to come back home. He left at around 10:00 with one of his friends from KY to go clubbing/drinking/partying.

I want to go to sleep. But I can't. I miss him so much. I haven't seen him in two weeks, and what does he do when he gets here? Goes out. It's okay though. He's with a friend he hasnt seen in two years. And if I were old enough, I'd be there with him. Not a big deal.

But I'm going to sleep on the couch and hope that when he comes in, I'll wake up. Just so I can touch him.

I love that boy.

By the way- new pictures (go to the bottome and click on stats).

xoxo

Thursday, July 20, 2000
12:22 p.m.

I wonder if Kiala has gotten the letter and pictures I sent her. I hope so. I hope it didn't get lost in the mail.

Jessica is coming over soon and we're going to lay out. Yay. Jill needs a tan.

I talked to Matt for two hours lastnight. We talked about all the mad crazy sex we'll be having when he moves back. More than anything I just want to fall asleep in his arms. I miss just laying there with him. I miss him tons. He's coming down this weekend. Lastnight, he kept asking, "Are you coming over?" "Not tonight, baby..you'd be asleep by the time I got there." "I'll wait up for you.." He's so cute. Either a)he's a horny little thing now, or b)he really misses me, of course there's always c)which is both. So I'll go with C.

Yesterday Adam came over. He came from t-town to pay his deposit and stuff for school. We went to La Siesta and then to MTSU. Came home, I took a shower and then we went to watch X-MEN. Great movie, by the way. Go see it :). Then we went to Buffalo's and spent way too much time up there. 7-10. I hate when that happens. :) 2for1 to a guy that just turned 21 is like heaven.

Well, I'm gonna get going.
xooxo

Tuesday, July 18, 2000
08:53 p.m.

If there's nothing missing in her life
Why do tears come at night

I'm downloading mp3's from napster. Britney Spears songs, actually. I really like the song "Lucky". It's true, I guess, no matter who you are, what you do, how famous or not you are, everyone has the feelings of being totally lonely.

I just got off the phone with Matt. It's 10:28pm now. I told him about my feelings with Jessica. How I think she's intentionally making me feel bad. I'm not good at confrontations, though, so I'll just let things go on until she moves. Only 3 weeks left. No need to start an aruement over little things, I guess.

Matt says I'm just too easy to walk all over. When I think about it, its true. I let people hurt me, and I don't say anything about it. I try to keep everything in and pretend that everything is okay. I try.
When Matt and I were first dating, I told him about how Chad always made me feel bad about myself. I confronted him with it, and he said it was all in my head. It wasn't though. He just knew that I would drop it after that. Of course,though, I did. Now it's Jessica. She knows for a fact I won't confront her about anything. She's right.

I can list how people I've been in relationships (friends, boyfriends) that have walked over me. Gabe, Kevin, Chris, Megan, Kristin, Amanda, Erin, Chad, Woody, Kelly, and now Jessica. It's sad, really, How I don't learn to take control and how to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve.

If I stopped doing that, though, I wouldn't be me.

Things are going to be changing here soon. For the better I hope. Matt will be closer in 14 days. (Yes, the countdown has begun.) In 22 days, Katy, Jessica and I will be going to Colorado. I'll be back on the 19th.
I'll be gone for our 4 monther, too.

"Isn't she lovely, this Hollywood girl?"
And they say...

She's so lucky, she's a star
But she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart, thinking
If there's nothing missing in my life
Then why do these tears come at night

Monday, July 17, 2000
11:04 p.m.

I'm getting weary of having people jokingly call me a whore. It's really starting to hurt my feelings. This time last year if someone called me that i would just laugh, because it was no where near the truth. But now, as the numbers grow, it gets harder to laugh. I know people don't say it to hurt my feelings on purpose, but it still hurts.
Sometimes it seems like Jessica says some of the things she says to mkae little jabs at me and hurt me. It works, but I won't ever say that she hurts my feelings. I'll just suck it up, take it, and then cry about it when no one is looking. I'm just like that, I guess.

I have no reason to smile right now. I'm tired, a little lonely, and feeling fat again. I love mood swings.

Monday, July 17, 2000
09:50 p.m.

In two weeks, Matt will be moving back to Murfreesboro! I cannot wait! I've had enough of the long distance. Actually, it's only been two and a half hours, for two months. But still...It's been way too much time and way too much distance between us.

Things are changing between us. We're not as lovey dovey with each other. We don't say random "I love you"'s and "I miss you"'s. It's okay though. We both know we do. He told me tonight that I should come over and sleep with him in his bed. He just wanted to hold me tonight. I miss having him hold me. I miss falling asleep with him and waking up in his arms. That morning after staying the night with him at the hotel, I woke up early and kissed his shoulders and tickled his back. He makes these cute little noises when I do things like that. He's very affectionate. He always likes me to stratch/tickle his back and arms. Rub his head and shoulders. I love touching him. Making him feel how much I care and how much I love him. I love him so much.

August 9, I'm leaving for Colorado. Katy and i are going up there with Jessica and helping her move into her dorm. It's going to be lots of fun, and really sad too. I'm going to miss her tons. I love that girl, she's been a great friend of mine for this past year. I don't like to think about it, though, I'll start crying.

I think I failed to mention that Daddy was in the hospital lastnight. His pancrius (sp?) was acting up again. His back home today, though. He's doing okay. In a lot of pain, but alive and kicking. And these days, that's the important part.

goodnight.xoxo.jill

Monday, July 17, 2000
02:05 a.m.

look at the bottom! there's a guestbook for all two people that have come here! :) yay

Sunday, July 16, 2000
11:53 p.m.

Katy and I are starting a "diet". No cokes, lots of water and more exercise. (for me, that's alot of work.) We can have one "sweet" per day. Well, part of me is proud of myself, part of me is sickened. I had two cokes today, and I just ate half a cup of Gold Fishes and a cup of Fruit Loops. I threw it all up. Just a second ago. I stuck my finger down my throat and waited, and choked, and then finally, multicolored throw up came out of my mouth. I know, it's nasty.

Kiala will be worried. Don't worry. It's not going to be an everyday thing.

Brandon is going to start running with me. He lives down the road from me. He's a sweety.

I talked to Matt twice today. It's amazing how much I love that boy. He's my heart. I told him about the Jessica/Brian deal, and well, he says that he thinks he knows too much about Jessica. I said yeah, because of this, I've lost a little bit of respect for her. It's sad that this is how things are. She'll be leaving in August, so I'm not going to confront her about anything. If Kelly finds out, Jessica's ass is going to be kicked, but that's not my problem. My mouth is shut, I'm not about to stir up more drama at Buffalo's. Blah blah.

I need someone to get an apartment with! Looking for a room mate in M'boro? Call me!

xoxo.

Sunday, July 16, 2000
07:25 p.m.

Yesterday was Matt and my three monther. It's crazy we've been together for three months. Seems alot longer, but just like yesterday too. It's amazing.

I had a good time at work. Other than not getting off til a quater til midnight. Katy and I went to the house down the road- they were having a little get together/ kegger.

Okay, so I'm a little miffed about this. Jessica, one of the greatest girls I know, is basically turning into a whore. This guy Brian that she used to date/fuck is going out with Kelly. They both work with Jessica and I at Buffalo's. Anyways, Brian and Jessica kissed Friday night. Brian was drunk as all get out. Jessica wasn't. Saturday when we (Kate, Jess and I) were swimming/laying out, Jessica decided to tell us that she was feeling kinda bad about the whole thing. I told her oh well, she's just going to have to deal with it. She also told us that Brian was going to come over after work. I told her to be careful. So, she and Brian wound up fucking like we all knew they would. She told me today I was being shady about the whole thing, because I'm not screaming "YAY! Way to go, Jessica!" about the whole thing. Personally, I think it's totally wrong. Buah. It just makes me mad. Well, its getting to 7:30, and I need to get some things in town.

See y'all later.
xoox.jill

Saturday, July 15, 2000
04:13 a.m.

Hello. I just got home. The party was pretty good. It was lots of fun, actually. A few bands, alot of people. Tons of people. Stephen (my brother) was there. A bunch of his friends too. It was weird seeing them. Brian was like "I can't believe you're here! What the hell? You're like 12!" Ughh...I can really get some guys when you scream out I'm 12! It's funny though. Stephen was drunker and higher than shit. We smoked a little together, that was pretty cool. I told him that we'd have to smoke the rest at home later. He's not here, obviously. I gave him my cell number in case he needed a ride home. He was pretty trashed.

I wish Matt would have been here tonight. This was his kind of party. Kinda like the dirtfarm party, but alot cooler. I had more fun at this one. I felt more comfortable with these people. A little bit wilder than Matt's crowd.

Well, I'm off to bed, or to play some Mahjingg, or whatnot. Love you guys.

xoxoox.

Friday, July 14, 2000
09:56 p.m.

I'm over the fact that Matt isn't coming down this weekend. All we would do is sit here and watch a movie. He wouldn't want to go to this party later tonight, and he wouldn't have a good time if I drug his cute little butt there.

Tomorrow I'll be at work 4-11. I'm excited. No, really, I am.

It's a little after 10pm. I'm waiting for Jessica to get off work. I just got home a little bit ago, I went up to Buffalo's and saw a trillion people. I love my work. I really do, at times...

Kiala is in love. I am so happy for her. She's in love and Steven is in love with her back. She's so cute, too! She was upset that my letter and pictures didn't come yet. Maybe tomorrow:P. I hope so! I want those scanned so I can show you guys my beautiful Matthew. Well, I'm going to play this new game I got, called Mahjongg. It's addictive. Matt has it on his computer at home, and I played it forever last weekend.

I love my baby, Matt. He's my life.
xoxo.

Friday, July 14, 2000
02:30 p.m.

Tom Jones and The Cardigans - Burning down the House is rocking my winamp right now.

Amanda Richie came over lastnight. I haven't talked to her since last summer. It was nice to see her. We're going to try and get together sometime. Maybe next week.

I'm still sad that Matt isn't coming down to see me. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I told him that I really want him to come down, but he told me no no no, he's not coming. Fine- I'll just sit at home tonight and cry. Believe me, I'll do it too.

Tomorrow- I'll lay out. Take a shower. Go to work. Come home. Go to bed. Basically, yeah. I work with Jessica tomorrow night. I haven't worked with her in a long time. Of course she'll get off way before I do. That kind of sucks. I don't know what's going on tomorrow night. Tonight there's a party. $4.00 cover charge. How ghetto. There are bands, and free beer, so I guess it's not that bad. I wish Matt would come down.

Jessica said that she can tell I'm getting sad. She asked me why. I told her. "I'm fat, I have no purpose, I'm ugly and I have no ambition for life anymore." Not that I would go out and shoot myself in the head. I'm not the melodramatic. I've had my share of that. I'd just like to feel excited again when I wake up. That's all. I don't really ask for alot. Actually, I know that I do.

High School is over. What's in my future? College just isn't there for me right now. I'd like to go, just not in the fall. I was looking at this school in Hendersonville, TN. It's only an hours drive, and I could go there, and still live here. Lots of gas money, but I'll be home, with Matt. I'm thinking that since Amanda wants to get an apartment, that maybe we can get one together. We would have two totally different crowds over, but still...as long as no one does drugs in MY room, I don't give a crack buddy. I'll be at Matt's alot, or at school or work, and Matt will be over alot of the time too. Not a big deal. I'll ask her about it. She wants to move out in August though. Good luck. Maybe in September? We'll see...

Just food for thought.

I'm sure I'll update more tonight. Not that I have a life. Not that I want one. I just want Matt to come down. But that's probably not happening anytime soon. I'm already too dependant on him. I hate that I'm so damn clingy. Blah Blah..I bitch alot.

xoxo

Thursday, July 13, 2000
05:11 p.m.

Matt called around 10:30 lastnight. I wasn't in the greatest mood, I felt like I was about to burst into tears at any second. I told him about what happnened in Nashville, and he just laughed. I told him that it wasn't funny at all, he basically said I was being too sensitive. Everything he said to me just got under my skin. I was being hyper touchy, though, I will admit that.

I asked if he was coming to come down this weekend and he said no. He doesn't want to waste the money to drive down on gas and food. He needs to save money for rent, the phone bill, electricity, and cable. Of course what I hear is, "I'd rather save my money than spend time with you, Jill." Yeah- I'm your typical insecure girlfriend.
Then he burped on the phone. He does this all the time, sometimes though he'll say excuse me. He didn't and I said something about how rude and bitchy that is. He got pissed because I called him a bitch and then we just sat in silence for a while. He laughed then and asked if I was mad because he got mad about me calling him a bitch. I said no. He asked if anything was wrong, I said no. He asked why I wasn't talking and I told him because he was about to get off the phone- there wasn't a need to start a conversation when he's about to go to bed, was there? He said he'd call when he got off work today. Which should be soon. I'm still sad. I feel like I'm going to cry. Actually, I am crying, now. I'm so weird, and emotional.

I'm so unhappy right now. My life is a rollercoaster- I'm so happy and then ten minutes later I'm laying in bed wishing the world to end. I'm pretty sure I'm loosing it. I want to make Matt happy, but how can I do that when I'm not happy with myself?

I'm fat, overweight, ugly, my skin isn't clear or anywhere near perfection. My thighs rub agianst each other, I have the smallest breasts you will ever see on a 17 year old girl. My job sucks, I have no money. I'm not going to college in the fall, I'll be out of the loop with all my friends. Jessica is moving away, Kate and I aren't that close. Matt and I are loosing it, I'm loosing it. He'll be back in three weeks, though...things just aren't looking good. Probably because I'm in a shitty mood. It just seems sometimes like he doesn't care. But I know he does, I know he loves me. I told him that since he got his awsome present he won't be coming down to see me. I was half-joking, half being serious. He laughed and told me to shut up. He told me that he's been telling everyone what a great and cool girlfriend he has. I asked if I'm only cool because he got a cool present, he told me to shut up. (Note: not in a mean, abusive kind of way. Just in a playful shut up, youre being a nerd kind of way.)

I'm lucky to have such a great boyfriend. I really am. He told me that he was nervous about my birthday. I asked him why, and he was like because I don't know anything you want, and I don't want it to be a lame gift. I told him that nothing he has ever given me has been lame. When I had my broken ankle, he would bring over boxes of Nerds, because I was a nerd, it was a little 99cent gift, but it meant alot- because he was thinking of me. He gave me a shirt of his that I could sleep in the night before he moved. That means alot to me, too- I sleep in it and imagine him holding me. I told him he could fix the material that's falling from the roof of my car for my birthday, he just said that that's too weird of a present. It works for me, though. I told him he could get me a little puppy, he said he would if I got an apartment. Blah- Not until January. He still doesn't know that I'm moving to Chattanooga, to go to TIHA. I'll tell him around November. I don't know what will happen after I move two hours away. BLAH!

I'm unhappy. It's sad, but I think loosing weight will make me feel better. I'm at a big whopping 120. It's gross. I'm totally gross. cellulite. As sad as it sounds, I'm thinking about bulimia. I mean, okay, you eat everything you want to, you throw it up, you still feel full, but you don't gain the weight. It works for me. I've done it before, make myself throw up. I don't think I've ever told anyone that. I did that when I was really sick with "my girls". January of '99, I would eat nothing, stay in bed, and then if I had a coke, or bread with my medicine, I'd throw it up. Of cours, I threw up the medicine that was to help my cysts, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Go and look at my prom picture from around this time last year. You can't really tell by that picture, but my collar bone used to stick out more. I used to hate it- but I love it now. My arms were skinnier last year, and my ghetto ass wasn't as large as it is now. I need to go run. I'm going to buy a cheap walk-man today and start running tonight. I rode on the stationary bike a bit ago, oh God- I am out of shape. If I start taking these pills, too, it'll up my metabolism, and then I'll loose the calories that I do get from eating, and then loose them too...oh God- I am insane!

The problem with all this? I'm too lazy to really throw my food up- I'm too lazy to really go running, and I'm way too scared to take pills to help me loose weight. I need motivation. MOTIVATE ME!

xoxo.

Wednesday, July 12, 2000
10:05 p.m.

So, I almost got arrested today! No shit!

I got pulled over for speeding, and on my liscense there is this huge ass scratch that marks out my date of birth. The ass hole metro cop thought that I was trying to use it as a fake ID and took it from me! I was like, "How the hell do I get home without a liscense?!" He said I was being a smart ass and put my ass in his cop car! I had hand cuffs on and everything. I was just waiting for the COPS crew to show up! I was being a bitch and then I just started asking him stupid questions as he was running a back ground check! That stupid "I fought the law and the law won" song came on the radio and I started laughing, and was like "You guys listen to this over and over don't you?" The ass hole didn't find it amuzing, but the other won was cracking up. It sucked, I have to go to court and pay 8bucks to get a new liscense. I'm fucking MAD!

I haven't talked to Matt in two days. He called me yesterday, when I called him back at 10, he wasn't home. He called today, twice, but I missed his calls. I called him back, the first time he was out mowing the yard and his brother Wes said he would tell him I called. Apparently he didnt, so I called back at like 9:00, and his mom said he was gone. So, of course my paranoid self thinks he's avoiding me, but I know he isnt. We're just hard to reach. I haven't even gotten an eMail from him, or anything. Blah it all to hell.

I'm not in a good mood, in case you can't tell.

I'm tired of shit, basically. I'm tired of lots and lots of shit. My neck fucking hurts too.