Wednesday, March 6, 2002
08:06 p.m.

Yes, I am alive. Everything is going ever so greatly in my part of the world.

Updates:
-Katy has yet to give me a dime of the 600 she owes me. Scudder says I should take her to court. No thanks. Katy and I are no longer friends. Oh well.
-I need a new car!!!!
-We have a washer and dryer at the house now. That's why I don't do my usual Tuesday entries.
-I have another job (yes, that would be 3 now), so that's another reason for the lack of Tuesday entries.
-I have a psuedo-boyfriend. But I can't release any yummy details at this time.
-I still really like Wylie. My life sucks because of this.
-My roomate Jon has fallen "in love" with me. I don't think he knows the meaning of the words.
-I still have a stalker. His last name is IRHIE. Creepy, huh?
-I NEED MONEY! So send me some.

Tuesday, February 19, 2002
07:46 p.m.

Valentine's Day was completely awesome. I had so much fun. I bought each of mu boys a heart balloon, chocolate kiss, and cookies, and a card. They love me. They got me a dozen red roses and Scudder gave me a huge stuffed hound dog. I love it. Those boys take care of me so much, I love them more than I ever thought possible.

Katy still owes me money and it's starting to get really annoying. She will not take my phone calls or return my calls. If I don't get the money from her by Wed, then I will go up to Stampede's on Wed and get it from her. It's not fair to put me into such a horrible finacial crunch and make me stress so much about money. 400 bucks is alot to a 19 year old who is 112 short on bills right now. I could get alot more pissed, but I really refuse to do so.

On the big V-day, I did call Wylie and wish him a happy Valentine's day, because I'm sweet. I also asked him if he wanted his soccer ball and other things that he sent me back. I haven't gotten a message or call back from him. Fine. Fine. Fine.

I'm also getting the impression that he is ignoring me. I'm a stalker and a girl, so I can have these feelings.

Sunday afternoon Jon, his sister Mary Ellen and I went to the Frisk Art Musem in Nashville. He has a paper due on a work of art soon. He wanted me to help him. Bleh. I hate writing papers. Especially ones that I dont HAVE to do. Buah.

I'm sorry that I don't have alot of drama anymore. There is alot that's going on, but just things that I can't openly discuss.

I do, however, have some good guy news. That hot cop that pulled me over last month, (off. vaught) asked Steve what my number is this past Saturday night. Whoo. I hope he calls. He's sexy and maybe I won't have to pay for my ticker. Yup yup yup. Getting out of owing money is good :)

peace out.

Tuesday, February 12, 2002
07:35 p.m.

okay, so it totally didn't show up and i am okay with that. whenever i get time, or bored enough i will change my page around. but...we know how that goes and it probably will not happen anytime soon.

all is well in Jill's world. Hrmmm...once upon a time I liked to share my life...I still do, I just don't like typing all that much anymore. Herhe.

Okey dokes, Just wanted to say hi. That is all :)

Happy Valentine's Day, too. Jon and I are going out to eat, hanging out, and drinking heavily. Yay. Drunken sadness is the best. Should I call Wylie and tell him Happy V-Day or just not? Hrmmmm...

Thursday, February 7, 2002
08:20 p.m.

how do you like the blue?

i think it's pretty.

Thursday, February 7, 2002
08:04 p.m.

Yesterday Wylie and I "broke up". I don't know how things are going to go these next 6 months until I move up there. But now we don't have any pressure thinking we owe the other anything. And I'm happy about this. I am surprisingly not upset about it either. For the first time it seems like I did the right thing and it doesn't hurt me at all. I'm happy about this. I am...

really.

Things at home are grand. My boys keep me smiling. Katy is still avoiding me. She owes me alot of money and it just hurts more than anything else, that she'll trash our friendship in a heartbeat instead of paying me back what she owes. Money kills me.

If you would like to send me money, email me and I'll give you more information on how. I do accept checks with two forms of ID.

But, Matt Damon is on Will and Grace so I must go.

Wednesday, February 6, 2002
06:44 p.m.

Wylie says: Well hey sorry you don't like my sense of humor but I don't really think you can know anything really about who I am just over the phone so I would like to keep in touch and if you move out here then I would like to get to know you, in the mean time... I don't know
Jill says: okay.
Jill says: do you even care?
Wylie says: I once cared as much as I could and I really had fun with you when you were out here but honestly lately I feel like there is no reason to talk to you cause all you ever seem to want to do is complain about me, I am sorry you feel that way and I don't blame you for anything, I mean to say that I am not bitter about anything and I am sorry if you are
Wylie says: Oh and let your roomates know that they may want to call again cause I really couldn't understand what they said on the voice mail, oh and sorry I didn't answer the phone last night I had already gone to bed Jill says: okay. whatever.
Jill says: Okay, well, I wish you the best Wylie. and I'm sorry that things are like this now. I wish they wouldn't have gotten this way, but it happens.

Oh Fuck him! FUCK HIM!!!!! He wasnt even good sex anyways!

Wednesday, February 6, 2002
05:22 p.m.

To:Wylie's email@hotmail.com
From:jill_crigger@hotmail.com

okay, so I know that you have not given lastnight a second thought, but we both know that I have. I want you to know this, weather you give a shit or not. You hurt me Wylie. When you laugh at me, when you make fun of me, when you don't care, it hurts me. It breaks my heart, because I care so much about you and I really like you. Now, though, I don't know. I don't know because I think I've been deluding myself this whole time with this person whom I thought you were. But youre not that person. That person cared, that person was sweet and charming occasionally. That person never went of his way to hurt me. But you? I dont know who you are anymore. I don't know how I could have been so blind. I let myself get so upset over things that you say, and I don't have a clue as to why I still call you and still care and still try to get you to care. I know, now, that you don't care. And you probably never will. And that's fine. It hurts and it sucks, but it's fine. I have three wonderful roomates who love and care about  me. who would do anything for me. Who would call a guy up and try to make a joke out of things to make me feel better. I don't even know when the last time you told me things would me okay. I don't know if you ever have.
Anyways, I'm not going to call anymore. I'm not going to email you. I'm leaving the ball in your court. When you want to talk to me, you can. When you have something to say, go for it. But I'm done. I have too much going on in my life here, I cannot deal with a broken heart too.
So goodluck with school and with work and everything else that is going on.
Much love,
Jill

Wednesday, February 6, 2002
04:44 p.m.

The giant goldfish cheese crackers are my new favorite snack time item.
yummm...

Monday was Brooktar's 4th birthday. She's my big girl now. She told me "Next year, I'll be a whole hand, Jill!" I cannot believe how old she is.

I got an email from my old neighbor Casey. You know, the one I dreamed of kissing before he moved, but then I chickened out because he was the only guy that I liked that didnt think I was a whore. Because, well, basically he was the only guy that didn't know how many guys I had been with. So, I just wanted our friendship to end with only friendship and a huge crush on the side. Hopefully he'll come back to TN before I move to the big CO.

I talked to Wylie lastnight. No, my friends, it wasnt a good conversation. We don't have those anymore. I was telling him about Katy owing me bookoo's of money. (That's alot in redneck terms.) I told him that Jon's father told me I should threaten to take her to court. Wylie said that it was pathetic to have to do something like that. But it was completely reasonable and that maybe I should take on to Judge Judy since, after all, we do live in Tennessee. I told him that when he makes fun of TN it's making fun of me too, because this is where I was born and raised. I told him that he's never been down here so how can he judge what kind of place it is? I love TN. (eventhough I will not say it too often) And it wasnt fair of him to talk so badly of it all the time. I expected him to say sorry, to appologize in some way or another. To tell me that he won't do it anymore, or atleast try to stop. To tell me that everything will be okay with the Katy situation, to not stress to much, to tell me that he's there for me. What does he do instead? He laughs. He laughs that he hurts my feelings, he laughs because he doesnt give a damn. Lastnight I cried myself to sleep over this (and other things). I cried because I've been totally fooling myself all this time. He doesnt love me. He doesnt give a rat's ass about me. He doesn't care. And caring means the world to me. It just hurts. It makes my heart hurt, my soul hurt.
And all this time I've been deluding myself with the what-if's. I've been kidding myself- telling myself that things are just hard because we're so far apart. That once I uproot my life and move it Colorado everything will be okay. We will be okay. But that's not true. It's not true at all. I know that everyone else could see it, I know that I have been blind to it all. I can't be the one that goes out of the way. I can't give my everything to someone that just takes it and walks away. That's not what I will do. Sure, I'll still move to Colorado. He is NOT the reason I am moving there. I'm looking for a growing expereince. To help find myself, to see what I'm really all about. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

I told Steve and Jon about it all lastnight, too. I cried, because well, we know that this is what I do. Steve called his cell phone and left a funny message. He said (in a very white trash/ redneck voice) that he wasnt white track or redneck and that he'd kick his ass if he ever hurt me. I love my roomates.

Since I've been so stressed and crying tons. My roomates bought me yellow tulips. My absolute favorite. I love them. I will miss them more than any of my friends.