I feel the need to archive. Start fresh. Except fer not...
Hanna is going to archive on Monday, August 25, 2003
I'd like to close my eyes, go numb
but there's a cold wind coming from
the top of the highest high-rise today
It's not a breeze cause it blows hard
Yes and it's wants me to discard
the humanity I know
Watch the warmth blow away
So don't let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came and while you're alive
Experience the warmth
Before you grow old
Do you think I should adhere
to that pressing new frontier
and leave in my wake a trail of fear?
Or should I hold my head up high
and throw a wrench in spokes by
leaving the air behind me clear?
Hanna found a song that's like her mood right now on Monday, Augu
Why, am I always bugged about the fact that a friend is hanging out with one of our guy friends? Why do I feel so...un-cool? Un-loved? Un-....;dlgjs;aljkgsa;djsa;dgl !!!! GOSH COULD I GET ANY MORE RETARTED!?!!?!??!?!?!!?!?!?!?!? Someone please just slap some sense into me! I TAKE OFFENSE WAY TOO EASILY ABOUT SOME ISSUES! I'm serious!!!!! I just wanna lkjg;saljg 9847p6;ytiaj;sldkg ;la7s4pyaks;dkdlj lkgj ;sal94 ;alkj;lkjs'glksd;g lsjdglks g;aksldjg 049t;lskj g holy crap I hate myself right now
Hanna sdglaksdja;sglkjas;g lj on Monday, August 25, 2003
I am so frustrated with myself. I really don't understand at all. For the longest time I have just felt awful about my relationship with God. It's been terrible. Worse than it's ever been. And that's bad. Real bad. I want to change it, but I can't seem to. It's easy enough, I've just got to want to change, and I do.....but I'm not taking action. Confusing maybe, I dunno. I'm confusing myself, that's for sure. It's been going on since the last months of school, maybe about the end of April. I'm being a bad Christian, I shouldn't even call myself a Christian. I could say I want to take a break from being a Christian, but that really isn't right...no, I know it isn't right. I've been turning away from God over and over again. Saying I'll stop doing things, but I never really do, and I don't really try. I go throughout the day, realizing different things that I'm doing wrong AS I'm doing them (gossiping, being mean-hearted, that sort of thing), but I don't stop myself or tell others it isn't right. I feel like I'm changing because of others...but I'm not all at the same time. I'm being so selfish. I'm wishing I didn't have to think of what others and what God thought. I wish I could just think about what I thought and what I wanted to do. I wish I didn't have to constantly think about my actions, whether they were God-pleasing or not. I wish I could just let loose......I wish people wouldn't always think of me as the good girl who doesn't cuss or swear or do "wrong things" or whatever. I wish my relatives would understand who I am...just because I am a Christian doesn't mean...I don't know. Just sometimes how they act or talk about Christians....UGH! Why can't I just not be stupid and self-centered and retarted and all that crap??????? I just feel like screaming sometimes. I don't know what to think, feel, or say. What I want to think about is distracting me from God...for instance, boys, music...things like that. I'm always frustrated with how I want guys to notice me even though I know I don't need guys to tell me I look good or am worth something. But still I feel that need. I'm always spending too much of my time fantasizing about crap that will never come true, and I don't need it to come true to live. But I like being able to just escape for a bit. I want my problems to go away, but I know they won't if I don't turn to God...but I'm trying...and I want to...but I'm not letting it work. Right now I don't always want what God wants, but at the same time, I am......I feel like I'm dying inside. I don't want to feel sorry for myself either, because I brought this upon myself. I have the power to change it all...but I just feel like I wanna be something different...even though it doesn't feel right...I just don't know. I feel so messed up right now. Maybe when school comes and everything gets back to the norm I'll figure things out, but right now I just.......well, honestly, I don't know.
Hanna was screwed up like nothing else on Monday, August 25, 2003
STEPHEN MET BRANDON BOYD!!! AND SHOOK HIS HAND!!!!!! HIS SEXY HAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP THE MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hanna flipped out on Monday, August 25, 2003
"What are you waiting for? A certain shade of green?"
Hanna sang what sexy Brandon Boyd sings on Monday, August 25, 2003
I wrote another song today. It's been awhile since my last one. Guess it takes awhile for my inspiration to come. This one just sorta wrote itself. I'll probably still need to add a little bit to it. But otherwise, I like it. Just wish I had someone to write some music for it or somethin.
Hanna wrote a song on Sunday, August 24, 2003
A week from Tuesday we go back to school. And this time it's to highschool. Wow, that is so weird. I don't even feel like I've had summer, yet I do. It went by fast, but it didn't all at the same time. Such a weird feeling. It'll be so weird to be going to South. Whoa, I'm kinda confused right now...
Hanna thought about school on Sunday, August 24, 2003
I have an idea about my site...starting a new one...but it would just be a continuation of this one. I dunno, probly is too much work that I really don't feel like doing.
Hanna thought of an idea on Sunday, August 24, 2003
Chels and I had our own Lollapalooza today. Since we can't go, and if we did, we would get killed in the mosh pit. Anyways, we got Scott's two Incubus DVDs last night at the party and watched 'em today. Oh wow, why is Brandon Boyd so incredibly hot?!? He's just so...ahhhhhhh.
Hanna loved Incubus on Sunday, August 24, 2003
Partay, yeah buddy. Man, it was a fun time tonight. Great to unwind after the long week. It was great to just hang with all my friends. Especially ones I haven't seen in a looooooong time. Just hangin out, talkin, eatin...good junk. Oh hot guys, too. hahahaha. Oh, hope I'm not fallin for him again....too bad he doesn't go to my school...WHOA! I can't wait for highschool. less than 2 weeks...
Hanna had fun on Saturday, August 23, 2003
I finally got my blizzard last night. A chocolate extreme. I couldn't finish it, so I put it in the freezer, and this morning, I ate the rest. Oh man that was pure awesomeness.
Hanna was in heaven on Saturday, August 23, 2003
Red, white, and blue night tonight for soccer. I am on the red team and we are the Red Planet (aka Mars). We even made antennae and stuff. (foam balls spray painted red w/ red sparkles and stuck on the end of red pipe cleaners). Aren't we just so crafty? haha. I don't know what the shirts look like yet though...I wonder what we would have done if we kept the name "The Red Meat"?...
Hanna was Hanna on Friday, August 22, 2003
I went to tea today!! At Tudor Rose!! It was quite fun, oh yes. We had a jolly good time. Went with Erika, Addie, Kate, Kelsey, Nat, and Maddie. They were the original crew. And then Maddie had invited Esther, Brynn, and Elle. It was kinda awkward for some, but we managed to have a good time. I had a cucumber and cream cheese sandwich with cream of potato soup, and a really good piece of chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting! Oh yeah, and about 3 cups of tea with 2 sugar cubes and cream in each cup. AHA I think I've had enough sugar for one day!!! Watch, at soccer tonight I will have an unbelievable amount of energy. Hopefully next week we will be able to have another tea time!
Hanna sipped tea daintily (well, not really daintily) on Thursday, Aug
MY WORRIES ARE OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAHAHAHA!!! OK, the sprinting really wasn't bad at all...it was more like, long-striding. haha. Anyways, we found out teams this morning, and I made JV!!! Along w/ Maddie, Erika, Addie, Nat, Rachael, Anna, Hannah, Kate, Brynn, Erica, and others I'm not too sure of. But it is gonna ROCK!!! wOOt! haha. It's like, the Leslie girls from the SUSC Alliance, combined w/ the Leslie girls (and Judson) from the Capitol Tempest (well, besides Katie Hanson, who made varsity!!)!! We are gonna be on FIRE!!!! WOOHOO!!! I am SO excited for the season!!! And tonight, we have game practice things w/ our teams, and tomorrow we have a fun day of games and stuff!!! It's gonna be awesome!!! Well, no more worrying about anything for me. I am so excited for school!!
Hanna celebrated on Thursday, August 21, 2003
Well. I have one more hard try-out session. Tomorrow morning form 7-9. And we're probly gonna do the nine 100-yard sprints under 20 seconds. I know that I can make the time...it's just a matter of if I can keep on going. Ahhh. You see, my asthma acts up at random moments. They decide teams tomorrow. Hope I don't get cut...
Hanna was Hanna on Wednesday, August 20, 2003
ARGH!!!!! Well, I went to registration, but did we get our schedules????? NO!!!! Stupid stupid stupid. That's all I really wanted, too!! Psh. Pigs. And then the lady that took our ASB card told us not to make faces..."You're a freshman, they need to know who you are. We're savin that for seniors". Psh. My butt. They'll know that I match the picture. Gosh. People these days...
Hanna was throwin a fit on Wednesday, August 20, 2003
haha...I still love the pink!!!
Hanna loved the color pink on Wednesday, August 20, 2003
Registration is today!! I am oh-so excited! And I have a locker partner now! wOOt! Oh yes, and tomorrow morning will be the last hard try-out. Because tonight is just the mini games we do, and then tomorrow morning is when we do the skills and fitness and we're doing sprinting crap. Yes, my asthma will take me down. Grr. Blasted asthma...*mutters under breath* It sucks like a pig you are SO lucky if you don't have it, especially if you play a sport!!! Because you have to breath quite a bit when you play a sport, and well, when your airways are constricted, it's kinda hard, haha. Anyways, they'll decide teams tomorrow, too. And then Friday is just a bunch of games I think! So it should be good. Wow, I can't believe I'm halfway through try-outs. I didn't think I'd live through this week! All I know is I'm gonna keep on running a LOT during the season and throught out the year so I don't worry so much during the summer if I'm gonna be in good enough shape or not...cuz next year...Varsity, here I come! ;)
Hanna wrote an entry on Wednesday, August 20, 2003
The pinkness...don't you just love it?!?!? It's just pink, pink, and MORE pink!!! MWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Hanna went mad on Tuesday, August 19, 2003
Try-outs were actually fun tonight! I'm learning a lot from just playing with the older girls. I think I'm finally gettin back into my groove again! haha. I'm just not looking forward to tomorrow morning's running drill. I never do, though. Oh well, I'll get through it, it's not like I'm the only one doing it!
Hanna was optimistic on Tuesday, August 19, 2003
I don't want to go back to try-outs...not tonight, or tomorrow, or the next day. ahhhhhhhhhh
Hanna complained on Tuesday, August 19, 2003
"Love is like oxygen. Love is a many splendid thing. Love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!"
Hanna watched Moulin Rouge before she wrote this entry on Tuesday, Aug