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Friday, August 17, 2001 For the most part, I like my abnormal psych class. But today, this guy kept asking questions about the upcoming midterm and mentioning all the stuff in our reading that wasn't on the overhead, just to sound smart or something. I turned to glare back at him everytime he said something, followed by eye rolling, an exasperated sigh, and a muttered "dumbass." It really disrupted the flow of lecture and slowed everyone down with unnecessary information. If he's so interested in learning rather than simply doing well on the test, he should go to office hours or email the professor. Sheesh. We didn't get through half the anxiety disorders that we were supposed to today. It was especially annoying because it seemed like he was saying stuff just to sound smart. I think actual smart people don't feel the urge to show off whatever knowledge they have...it seems to be a predisposition of somewhat above-average but still not quite smart people. Those people tend to do B work, in my experience. They can memorize all the key terms but can't apply concepts. Anyway, he interrupted yet again when the professor was talking about the co-morbidity, asking if suicide was significant for those with high anxiety because his friend was one of those people. According to him, he first "dianosed him as depressed" but now he was reconsidering. What the fuck? Okay...I tend to analyze people all the time. But it really irritates me that he's discussing his friend in this large lecture hall as some sort of patient, contemplating that he might be suicidal because he used to be on zoloft. It seemed like such a calculated thing to say. He did NOT sound concerned about his "friend" actually committing suicide. He just said it to grab attention and waste more time, using his so-called friend's condition to do so. Lots of people have friends with messed up lives but they don't spout off about them with anyone that'll listen, revealing things that the friend might not want other people to know. I think that's totally fucked up and he's the type of person that would make me keep to myself. session ended at 01:25 p.m. « back to top » Tuesday, August 14, 2001 Yesterday night and today morning, I made lots of lists. A list of things I need to get from home. A list of 27 resolutions. A list of goals I want to accomplish. A list of skills I want to work on. A list prioritizing my life into two main things with a few other ones of lesser importance. Even if I've done this many times before and not followed through, I feel like it's going to work this time. I'm organized, I'm ready to put effort into it, I can do it. I'm motivated for the first time in years. So I'll be all studious and not such a time waster from now on. session ended at 09:35 p.m. « back to top » Monday, August 13, 2001 What a crappy ass day. Why do bad things happen in threes? Now I'm feeling all irritated and annoyed with myself. I really have to change the way I'm living my life so I don't end up hating myself even more. session ended at 05:17 p.m. « back to top » Monday, August 13, 2001 The Koyotae pics on the left are from their first album days, I believe. Fulawar found them for me, per request. She always finds me the nicest pics, especially of Sunghoon and Andy. She also finds me the most hideous pictures of Suwon (i.e. with really bad hair, clothes, expressions), insisting he looks cute. I don't know whether she's doing it on purpose to mock and torment me or perhaps she just has incredibly bad taste. ^^;;; I've been feeling a bit fatigued lately because of classes and work. My eyes looked tired this morning. And I think I'm not getting enough meat in my diet because although I've been eating and snacking a LOT, it's just empty calories and I've lost a bit of weight since summer started. Well, I guess it's not that unusual. People usually lose weight in the summer and gain during winter, don't they? I had a lovely dream about Jason last week...I was just leaning across a table musing when he came up behind me and put his hands on my waist. I turned and smiled when I saw it was him, feeling at ease even though I usually hate being touched, especially around the middle because I think I'm somewhat chubby. Thinking about it doesn't make me feel gushy or romantic...just content at the little bit of happiness that dreams can bring. No wonder my bed is my favorite place to be, whether I'm sleeping curled up against my pillow or staring up at the ceiling daydreaming with my hands behind my head. session ended at 01:43 p.m. « back to top » Sunday, August 5, 2001 After lunch, Simon, Andrew, Paul, and I went over to the house of a close family friend. The dad's mother had passed away about 2 weeks ago and having found out about it now, we went to pay our condolences. We sat in a row on the sofa, passing along pictures of the wake and listening to him talk. The deceased had almost the same name as I do. In Korean, if you cover up the bottom character of the surname, it would be my name exactly. It was somewhat strange sitting there, noting how much older Mrs. Cho looked since I last saw her. And as Mr. Cho played the violin as if it was a guitar, plucking the strings and telling us how much his mother loved hearing him play. Wondering if he remembered my first and last violin lesson with him back when I was in the seventh grade, when I had accidentally stepped on his bow (no damage done) and he had screamed at me that I was an idiot and that he was going to kill me. Our families used to be so close, always having barbecues or something every weekend after church, but not anymore. Things have changed sometime over the years without my noticing. Things will continue to change and one day, I'll be some old lady wondering where my youth has disappeared to. session ended at 06:13 p.m. « back to top » Wednesday, August 1, 2001 Yesterday, I finally got myself to revive an old fic and start writing for the first time in 7 months (well, actually I did write a bit but not seriously). It was extremely easy and the words came naturally, which made me wonder why I suddenly stopped after four paragraphs and felt so uneasy. As g-fics are becoming more of a trend, I find myself mentally stepping away and looking more critically at the reason behind why I wrote solely g-fics. A lot of the best fics I read were actually straight fics, but there was always a special appeal with yaoi that had little to do with the writing. Oftentimes, I would read a really poorly written g-fic that had it been a straight fic, I would have stopped after the first few sentences. There's this feeling of being so open and somewhat unconventional, and anyone who writes or reads g-fics are special, accepting creatures that deserve praise. And any flames are secretly enjoyed because they can defend it and feel superior...as if they're better than everyone else because they aren't narrow-minded bigots. In reality, I know absolutely no one who discriminate against bi/homosexuals and those that do would be the ones that become target of hate and ridicule. And those that oppose it for religious or other reasons usually only oppose it in the abstract. They aren't unfriendly or cold when actually faced with someone of a different sexual orientation. It's become the cool thing to have at least one gay friend and let everyone know about it by slipping it casually into the conversation. I find myself unintentionally doing this sometimes, and they come off sounding better than they are, just because they're gay and anyone gay has to be just fascinating and awesome people. It's pretty insulting stereotyping and generalizing them this way, when I think about it. Writing/reading g-fics doesn't seem to be about homosexuality, as strange as that may sound. Donny and Tori, both openly bisexual (although the way they talk, I think they're actually gay rather than bi) and in no way prudish, were disgusted when I told them about the existence of g-fics. Yet so many straight girls are attracted to g-fics so what is that supposed to mean? Why is it such an appeal for Ellen, totally straight, to go frequent a gay bar with her friends? Just because "it'll be something to talk about" and there are "all these cute gay couples walking around"? Why do I find it so cute to pair together two very likely straight guys (any two jekki/shinhwa/etc members) and find the idea of being nahmool's "significant other" entertaining? Not picking on nahmool because I absolutely love her, but strictly as friends. We both know that yet here we are going on about getting couple stuff. I don't know where I'm going with this social commentary. It's just been on my mind and everytime I think of writing a g-fic, I feel like some creepy pervert, even though I rarely write any graphic sex. Like those white guys with an Asian fetish. It just seems sort of perverse, though maybe it shouldn't. Maybe I'm analyzing too much or looking at this in a very skewed and strange way. It wouldn't be the first time. I should quit over-thinking and continue to write g-fics because I like it. Or maybe I should just write about a bunch of white sorority girls having drinking parties and smokeouts with their boyfriends because hell, I know just as much (little) about that as I do about yaoi life. I don't think that I can write g-fics anymore. I was never afraid of offending homophobics but now, I'm queasy when I think of an actual gay/bi person reading my stuff. It probably sounds like the stupidest thing ever, like those very graphic lemons that 12-year-old girls write that's so hilarious because it's so obvious they don't know what they're talking about. Um, okay...kids mature pretty fast now so they might know more than I do at that age, but you know what I mean. Okay, end of rant. Here's something from the experiences of my psych professor when he taught second graders (I think low IQ children?)... project: draw and write an explanation of what you want to be when you grow up. kid 1: I want to be a crook. (a fine occupational goal to have) kid 2: I will, not, rob a bank. (commas for emphasis, perhaps? ^^;;;) kid 3: I want to be my parents. (O_o whoa) There were some others but the funniest was... kid 4: (drawing of a horse running on grass) I want to be a horse. prof: You want to be a horse? kid 4: (rethinking) I want to ride a horse. I will ride him all day long. prof: How will you earn money? kid 4: The horse will pay me. prof: (about to say something) kid 4: The horse is a lawn mower. prof: ?? kid 4: The horse will mow lawns and people will pay me. prof: How much will they pay you? kid 4: A dollar per lawn. Ahahahaha....maybe it was just a you-had-to-be-there situation so I sound like an idiot right now for being so amused, but it was pretty hilarious. Kids say the weirdest things but make it seem cute. session ended at 06:57 p.m. « back to top »