A while back, I was wondering out loud to a friend what I would be like had I stayed in Korea. I said I might be happier and when asked why, the only answer I could think of was, I don't remember being unhappy there. Of course, it might be more accurate to say I can't remember being unhappy then since I was so young, and by definition carefree.
There are very few snippets of memory from back then, and those would have faded away too had I not recalled them in my mind so many times before. Like throwing paper airplanes out the window with my brothers and watching them land in the playground below. The time everyone at art school donated loose 10-wons throughout the year so we could have a ddukbokki party. Or the time it started to rain and Mom came to meet me in school with an umbrella, promising to make me chicken for dinner. Kids are so simple and easily pleased.
I also remember the time I took my piano lesson fee and spent it on junk food. I got quite a thrashing for that, although I only remember the moment I got caught rather than the actual receiving of punishment... I wonder what I was thinking. Although I was docile and rarely caused any trouble, I guess I always had a streak of mischief or rebellion(?) in me that continues to surprise people in the few instances it shows itself.
But even that memory isn't a bad one. It inevitably leads me to remember how I got to buy Matthew candy before being found out and I can't help but smile, half-fondly, half-ruefully.
I feel nostalgic for my youth. I find myself reverting to even more childish ways in a vain effort to recapture that feeling of pure innocence. Trying to go back instead of moving onward.
I miss Mom. I miss Matthew more. I still see him online but it's not the same when I go home on weekends. He's not there for me to talk at for 4 hours straight about stuff while he plays computer games and half-listens.
I've been labeled laid-back and low-maintenance, which is nice and insulting at the same time. It seems like all the girls around me think that it's a female right to use guys for material purposes.
"Well, I didn't like my boyfriend but he kept buying me stuff and treating me like a princess so I kind of learned to like him...You should give ______ a chance."
Well, that's better than...
"If he wants to eat this pussy, he's better pay and give me shit..."
I started wondering if it IS the guy's responsibility to pay for everything and to buy girls stuff for no reason at all. It totally goes against my independent nature and sets the women's movement back a few decades but it's hard to dismiss the advice of these older (only by a few years but it seems like more at times), seemingly more knowledgeable girls.
Thankfully, I got a dose of normalcy with Susan's visit. And as she pointed out while we picked out our matching chastity rings, we aren't giving it up so we might as well pay our equal share in relationships. ^____^
Before you think I'm weird, I just like the idea of the rings. I don't really have strong convictions about anything. It's just interesting to have...and different.
There were three kittens in the garage. I was tempted to take them in only I know myself too well. They'd die due to indifference and neglect on my part. Plus, there's no pets allowed in my apartment. So I wanted to feed them but I'm pretty sure the mommy cat would have hissed and tried to claw my eyes out if I came too close to her precious kitties. Paul told me kids have been throwing rocks at them.
I think living with me is like living with a cat. I come and go with rarely a word to anyone and I sit staring into space quite often. I spend a lot of time cleaning and grooming myself yet I still shed hair all over the floors. I'm not very good company, but I'm better than no company...slightly...
I was talking to Ellen today and it's funny...she's a lot more open-minded than I expected. We were discussing how cute gay couples are walking with their arms around each other's waists, looking more intimate and lovey-dovey than straight couples. It seems more right somehow. Maybe it's all the g-fic influence but Tori's story of planning a sexual rendevous with her best friend (a girl) seems really natural while Tiffany's devotion to her boyfriend seems kind of odd.
Ahh, I don't know. Maybe the thought of being with guys and dating scares me because I'm no longer laughing at Susan's 8th grade idea of getting chastity rings (leap of thought...sorry if you didn't follow). Luckily, she's still up for it so we're going to get them sometime soon.
I want pom pom clogs too. Why don't they have it in 5 1/2 or 6? It's just not fair.
I've been unsettled for the past few days. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel so I've just been sitting or lying down staring blankly in front of me and brooding.
I don't think I'm attracted to guys.
Not real life, obtainable ones anyway. The few I've had major crushes on seemed somewhat... asexual, I guess. I couldn't picture them dating and doing things with girls or even really wanting to. Even after Jason hooked up with that girl, they didn't seem natural together and there seemed to be absolutely no chemistry. Just two good-looking people hanging out to make each other look better.
I barely spoke to him... I almost never see him... I know very little about him... have even less in common... yet I want him. The fact that he's relatively innocent and inexperienced just makes him that much more desirable. Yet I have a feeling if he somehow figured out I was alive, I would cease to like him and just feel mild disdain.
*throwing confetti* I'm sorry about your present...I really wanted it to be on time. T.T But maybe your birthday is really two weeks later? ^^;;; Yes, let's pretend it is.
My hats SHRANK! Maybe I was supposed to hand-wash them because now they're small and wrinkly. I had gotten the white one just yesterday too. My poor poor bucket hats. I loved them so.
I'm going home this weekend. *sigh* I have to go to IKEA to get the table and chairs for the dining room but Paul doesn't want to take me. He's busy with work or something. I don't blame him for being annoyed whenever I need a ride anywhere, which is why I try not to go home...but Mom's not here so who else can I turn to? Certainly not Simon.
Maybe I should seriously consider getting my own car this year. I didn't want to until I graduated because it seemed like such a hassle to find parking and stuff, and I don't really need one right now. But I can't even pick up packages from the post office. Being a pedestrian is so inconvenient and restricting at times.
My main problem is with insurance. After I pay for the car it's mine forever but the thought of paying continuously for insurance is scary. What if I stop working? I avoid debt like the plague and unlike my peers, I always pay off my credit card in full and refuse student loans, preferring to work more hours than I probably should.
Back to my present concern. I hope Paul finds time to take me.
Oh yeah...I was blog-hopping and ended up at duckiee's blog. I didn't know she was Yeon In's sister. Small world. Anyway, I hope Yeon In's doing okay by herself. I chatted with her maybe 4 times total but I've grown quite fond of her. I wish she'd come back from Japan already and move down here so I can meet her. Ahaha...not that either of us will have a car. --;;;
Shinhwa 4 is out. Andy is not in it, of course. I personally think it's permanent and SM's going to replace him with a new person. But then again, I'm just negative by nature. I don't even know what the issue is with Andy except in the vaguest of details.
It was Kuwami's birthday two days ago. I hope she had fun. I've been missing her a lot lately. And re-reading her jyunshun didn't help things any. She stopped right before the two met, too. >.<
Hmm...nahmool's blog doesn't work for some people...maybe that's my fault. I must've gotten the html codes wrong. Sorry, nahmool. I promise not to screw up your stuff any more. --;;; Now, I'm wondering if my own blog doesn't work.
Oh yeah, why do fulawar's blog entries strike me as so hilarious? I was reading the one about the insects and cracking up. I can *SO* see poor fulawar freaking out and squashing the heck out of those bugs.
Yesterday, after getting back from work, I wandered around the empty apartment for a bit before flopping down on my bed, hugging a somewhat repulsive beany baby a counselor had given to me that morning, curling up, and crying myself to sleep. Last year, I had done absolutely nothing at home...I don't think I even changed out of my pajamas. But this year, I was totally by myself at a new place, and I felt so overwhelmingly homesick that I allowed myself to give into weakness. I also missed Mom a lot more than I realized...I know...it's been about 7 weeks since she's been gone but I react very slowly.
When I woke up, I felt much better. I think I've just been needing to let something out for a while and suppressing my feelings just made it build up inside me.
Anyway, Andrew, Paul, Stacey, and Jimmy came over with a cake and took me out to dinner. It's kind of sad that my brother's friends are willing to go out with me when my own friends either can't or won't. And it's sadder still that I actually like them better and wish I had friends like that. Friends who have free time and little familial obligations. But then again, I'm not a very good friend either.
I never got to blow out the candles because we were too full. So the cake is sitting untouched in the fridge in the apartment. I wonder what kind it is...
Susan took me out to eat today. She said I got pretty and skinny(er), which made me slightly happy, though I know she's just nice like that. Actually, today is a very good day. It's the day that is the farthest from my next birthday, so I have a whole 355 days of somewhat contented lifestyle.
I hate my birthdays. I wish people didn't make such a fuss about it because I'd much rather stay in and do nothing but play videogames by myself. But then they think I'm weird, so I'm obligated to go out and do something. Eesh, so much trouble. Maybe by next year, I'll feel secure enough to just do nothing without being concerned what others think of me.
Oh yeah...Mom called to say Matthew arrived safely in Korea. Heh...I'm gonna go next year...I can just feel it.
My landlady is fuckin' crazy. I mean it, she's totally nuts. She came over and had me come with her to fill out the papers right then...I asked her if I couldn't bring it back later and she says no, so I just do what she wants...which means filling out three separate sheets because she claims my writing's too messy, or because I supposedly filled out the wrong thing because she's blind and thinks that address means occupation, apparently. And then, she came by four times and called once within 10 minutes for fucking crazy ass reasons. Shit, I wonder if she's escaped from the looney bin. I'd call the owner to have her fired only I seriously think she'd come stalk me and creep the hell out of me. More than she is right now, I mean. Shiet, I'm glad my name's not on the lease so Tiff or Tori can deal with her when they get back.
What kind of mean people name their son "Gaylord"? Poor guy probably got beaten up as a kid. No wonder he puts only "G." and then his middle name. And I thought my name was stupid...
*sigh* I like things to fit perfectly inside any sized window because I'm a freak like that but I guess I'll live.
Love Hina. Go check out the fan site if you're interested. That's where I got the background.
I don't watch very much anime but this is my favorite. It's one of the newer ones so there's not many sites on it. It recently came out on dvd with English subtitles, and even that's only available on ebay. --;;;; Maybe I should have waited instead of buying the vcds.