Tuesday, October 16, 2001 - 03:10 p.m.

My soul bleeds out, leaving me empty.

Oh when will Death come for me?

Must I seek it out before it claims me?

It seems an eternity to wait.

Friday, October 12, 2001 - 11:51 a.m.

I'm extremely restless. Three weeks of school have passed by and the only thing I did aside from mandatory math homework was 4 pages of reading for poli sci. I barely unwrapped my management book and now it's just sitting at the corner of my desk, untouched.

It's not just that classes are boring this quarter (which they are) but rather that something is amiss. What's that word? Anhedonia? Where things that once brought pleasure no longer interests me. Nothing holds my attention for very long.

I wish I had some creative outlet like drawing or playing an instrument. Instead, I resort to rolling around in my blankets in frustration and deliberately falling off my bed. Somewhat disappointingly, it doesn't hurt at all.

Sunday, October 7, 2001 - 06:12 p.m.

Mom's been cleaning the house since she came back on Tuesday. So when Matt and I came back from our respective colleges for the weekend, we ended up cleaning and throwing a whole bunch of crap away. Yay. I ended up bringing my table to my apartment which is good because I like having a nice clear space to study on.

While throwing things away, I realized just how much of a packrat and compulsive spender everyone is in my family, including me. Well, I'm not as bad as the others because I never buy things that have ONLY superficial value. Anyway, it reminded me how broke my brothers are from reckless spending and that I shouldn't give out twenties like they're candy because they'll just waste it. It's really hard for me to save as it is what with all the stuff for Matthew, the new clothes and dvds I bought recently. I would've bought more had I not maxed out my credit card. I need a higher spending limit. --;;;

Thursday, October 4, 2001 - 10:27 p.m.

Last night, Diana, Tiff and I were talking about first impressions, which is a subject that never fails to intrigue me. They told me their first impression of me was conservative. Young and innocent, though not necessarily sexually innocent. Sheltered, I guess. Laid-back. Vic liked me because she thought I wouldn't "revolt" against her dictatorship, according to Tiff. We all had a good laugh about that because somehow, I ended up leading the rebellion against her neurotic need to control everything and everyone.

We also discussed what we would do if we knew we were going to die tomorrow evening. Diana opted to lost her virginity and Tiffany said she'd go to her boyfriend as well. Or was it worry all night, unable to sleep? I said I'd have to know the method of death. If it's going to be painful, I'd go and get doped up so I wouldn't feel anything when I go. I'd also draw up a will leaving everything to Matt, clean out the apartment of my stuff, take out the trash (since it's my turn right now), get life insurance, and avoid dying in the apartment so they won't have trouble finding someone to replace me.

Hm. One last thing. Sex itself, NOT counting foreplay, can take anywhere from 5 minutes to 2 hours. Two hours. Jeez. Maybe she misunderstood the question. Thinking about how long my management lecture seems, I just don't think it's possible. If it is...then... @_@ I think I'd get bored and wonder when the hell it's going to be over.

Friday, September 28, 2001 - 09:54 p.m.

It's always bothered me that I never saw the mailman pick up the mail from the numerous mailboxes I pass every day, as if the envelopes that disappeared down the slot magically appeared at the post office and those blue boxes are just for show. The closest I've gotten was when I saw the truck taking off from the curb. And that happened only once that I can recall.

Matthew said it's because it doesn't take very long to empty the boxes and that if I sat next to one for long enough instead of breezing by, I would see the mail getting picked up. I guess that makes sense, but wouldn't I happen to see the process just once, out of sheer chance?

Today, I finally saw it. I saw the mailman actually unlocking and opening the little door and taking out the mail to carry off into his truck. Sugoi~ There was a plastic bin to catch the mail that fell in. I never knew that and it surprised and pleased me.

I can't really explain it but that chance sighting made me happy despite the long day I had. In any case, that's one less item from my list of things to accomplish before I die.

Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 09:21 p.m.

Today wasn't the best of days. For one thing, I overslept so I missed work in the morning (note to self: go to bed early when I need to be on campus by 8).

The minute I walked out, it was extremely sunny and hot, probably the warmest day all year (nts: wear shorts for a while).

The bus was jam packed with people which made me long for summer session, when there were far fewer people. I didn't realize it was possible to cram so many people into such a limited space (nts: just walk from now on).

Management class was moved into a hall all the way up next to the dorms for today so I had to walk up the stupid upward-sloping path I had thought I was free from (nts: move to a smaller campus where everything is right next to each other).

And it turns out they have a new edition of the textbook so I can't just use Diana's. So I had to buy it and lug it around all day. Not only was it expensive as hell (and there's four other booklets for that class), it was also extremely thick and heavy. It was still hot and I was dying trekking back to the main part of campus (nts: just move to Alaska).

I'm the first on the wait list for macroecon but unless someone in the discussion drops, I can't get in because the department decided not to give out PTEs. The school gets money with each student that enrolls in summer session so they want students to take it over the summer instead. Damn bastards. I guess I could take the class that Swanson is teaching but he's a dirty perverted old bastard.

There was actually enough work to take up my entire time so I couldn't goof around like I usually do, reading fics.

I would have walked home but I had to take the crowded bus again to go to Baskin Robbins to order a birthday cake for Tiffany which turned up to come later than they said. And I had to call them and prod them into doing it because they forgot or something (nts: don't make any friends with birthdays...also glare at BR everytime I pass and mumble angrily about big companies and their impersonal ways).

When I got back--walking in the dastardly sun--the construction outside was extremely loud. Very VERY loud. I couldn't even hear Diana sulk and pout about how she couldn't get into HER econ class. Well...that might not be a bad thing.

After some healthy cussing and a nice cool shower, the day looked much better. Oh, and Patrick stopped by on his way to his place after putting something in a car. He only lives a block away. I was pretty surprised because I used to always tell him how we would never see or talk to each other after moving out from the dorms. Hm...I guess I was wrong.

For some reason, I feel very comfortable around him. Maybe it's because I'm not attracted to him and I don't think he is to me. Even though he tells me I remind him of his ex, who he took a really long time getting over, I don't take it as anything. It's so platonic that it's never awkward. And he finds me boring only 15% of the time. That's pretty good. Much lower rate than I would've thought.

Sunday, September 23, 2001 - 08:55 p.m.

I spent my four days at home watching a bunch of anime. Funny enough, I buy the dvds only after I've watched most of the episodes or know the entire plot. And then I get impatient watching, waiting for my favorite scenes to come up. I'm still waiting for Soujiro's revelation of his past but it's slow in coming. At least I finally got to see some Gundam Wing, although regrettably, the Zero system episode of Quatre hasn't come yet. So I'll have to wait until the next time I go home. Probably in two weeks since Mom'll be back from Korea by then.

I watched The Virgin Suicides, the one with Kirsten Dunst. I have to say, I like the Gundam version a lot better. Mentally replacing her with Trowa made it a lot more enjoyable since I dislike that girl.

We all went to help Matt move into his dorm today. His roommate seems like a fob. Correction, he IS a fob. Oh well. I hope Matt'll be happy to get away. Although to tell the truth, home and family stuff has been pretty nice recently. I guess time really does heal all wounds.

Nahmool, I'll try to make a new blog layout for you soon. I know it's way overdue. And perhaps we can talk about jekki like we used to. But right now...I really can't. And don't worry about the shinhwa thing. I don't care if you watch it or not.

Monday, September 17, 2001 - 08:44 a.m.

Yesterday (or very early this morning), I went over to Maganac Headquarters and read The Gundam Suicides by Quatre-sama. I'd recommend it to anyone out there, fan or not. I was crying when I was reading it. I went to bed tearing up a bit thinking about it. And just recollecting it on my way to school this morning, my eyes still stung.

I visited the anti-Quatre site again. If I don't pay too much attention, it seems almost like a Quatre-shrine. Except for some disturbing, scary, or just plain mean things, it's funny and cute in a sadistic sort of way. A lot of the reasons to hate Quatre are my reasons to love the guy. Like his pink shirt and goggles.

Love. Hate. Either way, it's obsession.

Saturday, September 15, 2001 - 07:28 p.m.