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names pokey, nanashi, shforever
location ca
dofb 06.22.81
birthplace seoul, korea
height 5' 2"
blood type 0
religion non-practicing catholic
personality introverted
hobbies writing, singing, doodling, chatting online, making lists of things to do that i end up not doing, staring into space... (basically anything that's considered a waste of time)
blogs i read
kongnahmool: hoonie sarang
fulawar: fulawar field
esca: dysphoria
kuwami: coming out
joolie: oh my joolia
links
my very own: pokey's forest
yeon in's: kiesy kanime
esca's: sechskies premonition
clair's: sechskies hideaway
pitas
*thankies to fulawar for finding me the hoonie pic. he's hella foine.
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Wednesday, June 13, 2001
I can't sleep. So I guess I'll write some more stuff that's been bothering me. The main thing was work, or more specifically, the people at work. I've been trying to suppress it and ended up having restless dreams where I tell everyone off in this big confrontation and quit, but that's ceased since I took this week off for finals. So what else...?
Oh yeah, this morning I dropped my ID card somewhere on campus and didn't even notice until some girl came up to return it to me. I have no idea where she found it but damn, I used to never lose anything. Now I'm just dropping things all over the place and not even noticing...kinda like Siri last night. --;;;
And this old dude came up to me and asked for money for the bus. I hate it when people ask for charity. Right after they leave, I wonder if it's some sort of scam. I remember this one time I gave this beggar some money but then saw the pack of cigarettes in his donation box thing...and felt kind of cheated. And Paul used to tell me there was this one person he knew who dressed like a bum and begged for a living. And at the end of the day, she went home to a nice apartment with a nice, tax-free profit. It bothers the hell out of me not knowing whether I just gave money to someone who really needs it or who's just ripping people off to go buy booze or something. Yeah, I guess I'm distrustful of people.
Rereading old fanfics, I realized just how many good writers there are out there. And it frustrates me knowing I'll never be half as good and it's been making me moody and short-tempered with people. And it irritates me more because no one will call me on it and say straight out, "Stop being such a bitch." They're too nice and tactful and that makes me feel worse, because I KNOW I've been mean and unsympathetic lately, taking things out on innocent people.
I went to eat at a Chinese restaurant Sunday with Simon and Matthew, and we actually had a normal conversation. I guess I didn't feel like keeping up this animosity toward Simon and decided to just be polite, at least as long as Mom's gone anyway. Maybe it's my fault we were such bitter rivals for so long anyway...I do tend to be a stubborn, know-it-all bitch. It runs in the family.
In between periods of very low self-esteem, I feel like I'm better than other people and tend to be rather arrogant. I don't know if others see that or just see shyness, but whatever the case, I'm frequently snobby. And I shouldn't be. It's not like I'm the shit or anything...in fact, quite the opposite. I can't think of anyone that would want to be me, or even more like me. Maybe beating myself up is a way to make up for the conceit of other times, I don't know.
I've decided it's not healthy to eat only one real meal a day, no matter how many people I know do the exact same thing. But having done so for the past two years, I feel nauseous whenever I eat and I get fatter when I do because my body's not used to it. And Paul was griping how he had to continuously eat to maintain his own weight, since he got the metabolism from Mom's side of the family. I called him an asshole and glared at him until he said "I don't think you're fat..." Fuckin' A... Actually, I'm too used to it to be annoyed or offended but I AM going to start working out this summer. At least it'll give me something to do.
My hair looks nappy. Fuck it. I don't care anymore. I'll never have nice hair so I'm not even going to try. I'll just develop a good personality or something. Ha~! Yeah...like that'll happen.
session ended at 03:58 p.m. :: patient evaluation :: back to top Wednesday, June 13, 2001
Around 1 or 2 am, there's a knock on the door and I open it to see a drunk Siri slumped against the wall. It was hilarious how much of a baby she is in that state but kinda awkward too because I didn't know what to do with her. So I just kept on reading while she wandered up and down the halls, apparently dropping her wallet, keys, cellphone, and shoes somewhere. She also went in next door thinking that was our room and took some of Patrick's stuff and dropped them somewhere too. Poor boy had to pick everything up.
She kept saying the most random things over and over and it took a while before two friends from the hall got her into bed and managed to keep her there. It was kind of hard to concentrate while all that was going on, and even after she fell asleep, I couldn't stop thinking about something she said.
She claimed I hated her, like, three times. I was kind of surprised...I had no idea she felt that way. I admit I've been unreachable and withdrawn, but I've never been outwardly mean to her. But I haven't been nice either.
I started feeling overwhelmingly guilty thinking of the times she invited me to do stuff with her, but I always said no. And there were times I was annoyed with her for no reason other than I wanted to be left alone but had to share a room with her. I have to make such an effort to be nice, not just with her but with people in general, and even then I'm not very successful.
I'm such a bitch. Would it have killed me to be friendly to her in return? It's not her fault I'm such a cold, unfeeling person. Worse still, she's such a nice and sweet person by nature that I feel like I've scarred her in some way...she seems so sheltered and used to being around happy, well-adjusted individuals, being the youngest of a two-parent, four children household that regularly keeps in touch. I haven't called Mom at all in the five or six weeks since she left, although I was supposed to on a daily basis.
Another thing Siri said (or whimpered, whatever) was that I was going to hit her. Shiet, I must have put the fear of God into her somehow. It's kinda funny thinking about it though...a 5'8" physically fit white chick being beaten by a 5'2" korean girl with scrawny arms. Do I strike people as mean and intimidating?
I couldn't stop thinking about it. All year long, I've thought very little about her, and assumed she had done the same...but then again, she does seems like the type of person who wants to get along with everyone. Does she want my approval or something? I hope not. Really, it'd be a waste of her time and effort because I'm just a loser whose opinion doesn't count for jack shit.
Pretty ironic...she probably forgot everything she said but I spent all night thinking about it and continued to think about it all morning as I was trying to continue reading for the final. I never got to finish but I think I did okay anyway. Not great, but I'll live.
There's some other stuff on my mind as well but I think I'm going to take a nap now. I'm extremely tired and I still have a lot more to do before this Friday.
session ended at 02:55p.m. :: patient evaluation :: back to top Tuesday, June 12, 2001
It's tomorrow, not Thursday. The Thursday final is the one class I've actually finished the reading for. Ahh~ what was I thinking? I haven't even started because I thought I had a whole other day. Now I have to do the fastest reading alive to start and finish the book by 11:30am tomorrow since the final is basically an essay based on one random chapter of the book. Damn damn damn. I forgot what the other book is about, and the second essay question is based on that. So I have to review it. Argh! Need more time...
session ended at 07:04 p.m. :: patient evaluation :: back to top Monday, June 11, 2001
Fuck. I'm highly stressed. Not only do I have about 800 pages to read before Thursday's final and the stupid 12-15 page paper on Adam Smith I haven't even started on, I find out everyone's too busy this Friday to help me move out. What the fuck is this shit? I want my own car. I hate being so damn dependent on other people for rides and feeling bad when I screw up their plans. I can't even ask Susan since she recently got into the car accident that totalled her car.
Fuck. Now what?
session ended at 11:34 p.m. :: patient evaluation :: back to top Friday, June 8, 2001
My wallet tried to ditch me again, this time in another class. I have no idea how it keeps ending up on the floor nor do I much care although I carry everything in it, including my social security card. Last year, I dropped it in the food court. My friends told me if they found a wallet, they'd either (a) take the money and leave the wallet where it was or (b) take the money and chuck the rest into a trash can.
But some person actually found it and returned it to the lost and found, and they in turn called me up asking me to reclaim it. Kinda made me rethink my cynical view of human nature, because everything was still there, including the ~$60 in cash. I figure I have an immunity to losing important stuff by now, despite carelessness.
I'm going home for four days and hopefully finish my readings and poli sci paper before I come back. Then, I can focus on the actually preparing for finals. Oops...gotta go.
session ended at 05:25 p.m. :: patient evaluation :: back to top Thursday, June 7, 2001
I should think before I act. I feel incredibly stupid right now. And I hate everyone at work. It's pretty damn amazing how lazy and irresponsible adults can be. Shit...I should sleep more. I'm way too easily irritated lately.
session ended at 10:47 a.m. :: patient evaluation :: back to top Monday, June 4, 2001
I had a dream where these three guys were harassing some girl when this other guy told them to stop. Later on, they jumped him, tied him up, and started to beat the shit out of him, completely shattering the bones of his right foot. The alarm woke me up after they stripped off his pants and were arguing who was gonna fuck him. A violent, sadistic dream...yet why was I kind of disappointed not to see it through?
The day (by which I mean yesterday) was pretty uneventful...my computer took around 5 hours to defrag...eesh, that's not good. And of course, I couldn't concentrate much on anything else while it was rewriting the disk. I'm just...drawn to it...compelled to stare at the changing screen...
I'm supposed to leave for work in four hours. I wonder if I should just stay up. I'm totally not sleepy. Ahh...if only someone was online right now.
session ended at 03:44 a.m. :: patient evaluation :: back to top Saturday, June 2, 2001
PUHAHAHAHAHAHA....OMG!!! I absolutely LOVE the shinhwa 2001 live concert. The Eric/Jun Jin MV of "NuhEh GyuhtEhSuh" had me cracking up so hard...those two are freakin' hilarious with the uzis and the stuffed dog dragged around on a leash. ^^;;;; And skits like this makes it hard not to think g-fic thoughts. Mwahahahaha...gotta go rewatch it.
session ended at 07:32 p.m. :: patient evaluation :: back to top Tuesday, May 29, 2001
I'm so scatter-brained lately. Last week I walked off after class in such a daze I almost didn't heard the girl calling after me because I had dropped my wallet. The next day my supervisor came by and asked me, "Weren't you supposed to leave 20 minutes ago?" I was. --;;; Today, I had two hours to kill before lab so I went to the library. When I decided it was about time, I went only to find out I had mistakenly gone an hour late, after it had ended. The TA let me take the lab home so I can do it from the handout but still...I can't keep on being so distracted.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I usually *do* get lazy near finals but my mind is totally unraveling. I can't retain any of the information from the readings so I stopped doing them two weeks ago. So now I have a shitload of work to catch up on. And I have trouble thinking without my mind drifting. I sat there for nearly an hour trying to remember the title of the last Bond movie and to my utter frustration, I ultimately had to ask my brother. My memory is shot to hell. I have to take a few minutes to recall names of people from just last year. Damn senility is trying to creep up on me.
session ended at 04:57 p.m. :: patient evaluation :: back to top Sunday, May 27, 2001
I'm home for the weekend. The place hasn't totally fallen apart though it looks like three weeks worth of laundry is scattered all over the living room floor. In some ways, it's even cleaner. The fridge is extremely empty. I feel compelled to open the door and stare inside at how clean it looks. Only a few drinks and some microwaveable food. I guess the brothers decided to live on that, cereal, and fast food.
It looks like Mom's staying in Korea forever now. Well, she did tell us that once Matthew gets into college, we'll be on our own.
Hmm...she won't be here for Matt's graduation. I'm not sure he even cares. Maybe I could attend if finals are over by then. Paul said he's taking Stacey so at least someone will be there.
session ended at 06:42 p.m. :: patient evaluation :: back to top Wednesday, May 23, 2001
There. I modified the basic template they gave me into something not so plain (and hopefully not so ugly).
session ended at 03:20 a.m. :: patient evaluation :: back to top
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