i have my fair share of embarrassment when i recall the things i used to do, or the way i used to search for an identity. people tell me it's part of life. they are the people around me, born with silver spoons, genetically destined to be pretty, have all the brains in the world, in a great college and having a boyfriend to die for. and it's not only now that they're like that. they've always gotten things the easy way and i had to learn things otherwise.
my childhood was very much about late night tv, assessments, canings (you can never imagine how creative my mom can get when she's overwhelmed by rage) and barbie dolls. when i was young, i didn't understand why i was hit for every single thing i did. now i realise... after so many years. though the cane has slowly lightened into a mouth of nagging, i get nit-picked for every little thing i do. when i was young, my brother always stole the limelight. he was smarter, more eloquent and obedient in every aspect. and his gender had already given him an upperhand.
my auntie used to shower us with toys of all sorts. my brother had lego, transformers, hotwheels. so conveniently, i'd grab a barbie doll, or a cabbage patch kid. believe me. i even got myself Dream Builders. it was expensive. it was a sign of status when you were young. the more expensive your toys, the more your parents adore you. that was how i gauged things. i ended up with seven barbie dolls. i still have them. and everytime i search my closet and find my barbie doll's hair all tangled and clothes all messed up, i cry. not because of the untidiness (i can bear with untidiness. check out my room.) but because they were from my auntie. and it was a convenient act. i have to thank my brother for that.
as a girl, i had pretty dresses. bought at OG for like fifty, sixty dollars a suit. i don't even splurge like that on clothes anymore... those were the days.
the old places i used to hang out with my mom, aunt and brother. OG people's park and parkway parade. you'd be surprise at the amount of things i could get one day from these places.
maybe i shouldn't shed such a bad light on my parents. they're totally cool. my dad's one of the people i really respect in the world. i guess. he's the only person i respect. my mom probably didn't know how to express her love because her rage always overpowered it. one children's day, my last when i was twelve, my mom went Sogo at tampines (it's gone) and got my polly pocket. i was so happy... i was sick that day. my dad got me my first walkman when i was... eight? i was so grateful. i wanted it so badly. my mom kept objecting. but my dad bought it for me anyway. my childhood has made me take all the thoughtful things that people do for me at heart. i needed the attention, needed someone to give me something and say "i know you have been wanting this for a long time. though you didn't say it." it never happened. i had to ask. my brother didn't.
i remember when i was learning the times-table, i got whacked from head to toe. i had lazy eyes then so i had to wear specs and slot a piece of tissue to cover my right eye. it always ended up wet and soggy. i cried till i whimpered. i would hide into the lower deck of the bunk bed and my mom would reach over, twist my ear and shout at me. telling me to memorize everything. seven times eight was the worst. i took a long time before i whispered fifty-six. i was primary two.
i was... pretty good in my studies. i got full marks for science when i was primary three (surprise surprise), i got highest in chinese in school, i got a certificate for mastering the times-table (courtesy of my mom), got top twenty-five in the level for two years (primary three and five). my first screw up was at psle. i got 251. i was expecting a 255. people tell me it's fine... and that psle is nothing. in fact, they tell me it's a great score. but i lost to my brother. he rounded up with a 256. i slumped to become a shadow... once again.
i got whacked for the weirdest stuff. spilling green bean soup, pouring fanta orange into the ice-mould to make some orange flavoured ice to suck on a warm afternoon and generally, messing up stuff. my mom seldom hit me for doing bad in studies. cuz in primary school, she never had a chance to. my mom would use wet table cloths, hangers, feather dusters, belts, and i got the ultimate, she grabbed my hair and almost slammed my head into the wall. i was screaming like a sinking pig. there was once, i placed my fingers at the door hinge cuz i was staring at the mirror. my mom slammed the door. i bled. and she scolded me. now who's at fault.
as i kid i wasn't supposed to walk into the home in socks, eat potato chips at home, bring ice cream home, friends weren't exactly welcome. i used to vacuum the house when i was young. it was small. and it was easy. now that we've moved and the hall is so bloody spacious, i surrender and retreat back to my own domain. i cooked rice, kept the laundry etc etc. i was a good kid. a really good one.
some silly things i used to do. i used to play a cassette tape and dance in the living room as if i was shooting an mtv. it was so funny... but i'm not embarrassed to admit it. it's cute to see a kid doing that... right? i used to play chinese new year tunes a month before it happened. think i was some princess and dress up in funny clothes, used talcum powder as a face powder and used my mom's lipstick to add that final touch of maturity. i enjoyed it. i multi-roled. cool... besides that... i used to do funny stuff with my barbie dolls. when i got ken i was elated. for obvious reasons. it was surprising how my instincts led me to... actually, a correct idea of what sex was. it was fun. of course.
in school, i was a monitress, a group leader, a prefect. i never was popular. i always wanted to be superior and i was. i always tried to be some... know-all. i wanted to get attention... and the taste of authority always satisfied my sweet-tooth. i stormed out of parties... thinking i was important figure. and when i realised no one bothered to chase after or even call me afterwards... i was shattered. since then, i never liked group outings.
i looked like a twert in primary school. i was a cute little girl when i was young and when i reached primary three or four... things changed. i looked like a butch. i was trying to act gungho and all cuz i wanted to sense superiority. so much that it came to a point when i started to wonder who on earth would fall for me when i grew up. this explains my yearning for a relationship in secondary school. that'd be for later of course. my mom never told me i looked ugly. never told me to dress in another way. i kinda blame her for leaving such ugly photos in my photo-album from years eight to fourteen. it was a good six years.
i went on to secondary school. i would say it was a "late childhood" or an "early teenage". i had an inferiority complex. i had never managed to be confident about myself. i felt like a loser. in secondary two... i dyed my hair, pulled up my socks and befriended the discipline master. i was an aspiring ahlian. in secondary three, i had my second ear piercing. dyed gold streaks during the june vacation, got back to school, got screwed before having my streaks cut off by the discipline mistress. i was becoming an ahlian. i used to wear baggy pants. in secondary four... the ahlian shit continued. i pierced my third ear hole, got really really high socks, wore my school belt at my butt, spoke with an ahlian accent, hokkien, scolded vulgarities. i screwed up my midyears (i got 32), prelims (23) and scored 13 for 'O's. a mark better than my brother. my mum said the grades have inflated. what more can i say? and yes. i had a few relationships. they were largely bengs. i feel disgusted now. turning back. i just wanted the kinda... tag to be pinned behind my shirt. i wanted to be someone someone would look up upon. whoever came into my life, said he liked me, would become my boyfriend. it was silly.
my childhood wasn't all that terrible. but i was a sensitive kid and my mom doesn't have any filter or censorship when it comes to scolding. i was hurt by the many things she said. she's scolded me a whore... someone who can't live without guys' company... a slut, rotten, idiot, dog and many more. and the little things she did for my brother but not me... sometimes it's just a small little thing but in my eyes... everything's magnified like convex lenses.
a few scenes from my childhood that flashes back time and again. one... is this time when i was... two or three. my mom was taking a picture of me at home before i stepped out of the house. i wanted to wear the shoe anyway... in the end... i got fed up and took the picture with only a shoe on. it stuck to my memory and a few years ago i found that particular picture with only a shoe on. i smiled to myself. another would be... under my old-flat. the sun shone on my white americaya shoes and it stung my eyes. i remembered that particular scene. we were going out for some dinosaur show. and another one would be my kindergarten two examination. the teacher called us up and tested us of the spelling of weekdays and weekends. monday, tuesday and so on. i remember i had a mental block and didn't know what was wednesday. it was weird. last scene... would be this drawing i did as a kid. i drew "my ambition". it was a nurse carrying a tray... i remembered i drew very well and got some star thing on the page. i was proud of it.
i had weird ambitions as a kid. i wanted to be a singer, an actress a cashier, a sales promoter and a boutique assistant. hmmmm....
oh yeah. i loved the dim sum at somewhere near funan. it has been torn down.
that's all i guess. till i have more to say.
que sera sera... whatever will be... will be... the future's not ours to see... que sera sera... what will be will be...
Friday, March 4, 2005, 09:47 a.m.
wow.
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're the kind of chick that can hang out with your boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't care about presents or about going to fancy placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy being around your boyfriend.
Tuesday, March 1, 2005, 11:24 a.m.
Nothing much.
I'm just bored.
I decided to edit this picture. Which I thought would take a long time but in the end. It wasn't that flawed and I got it sorted out fast.
This.
From this.
Sunday, February 20, 2005, 05:57 p.m.
Cool site.
Found a cool site. Well, they don't cover much on Singapore but hell. The clubs they cover are enough for me already.
It's no secret where I graduated from for secondary school education. Anderson Secondary School's a mix of mild Chinese gangsterism and Western Elitism. We're supposed to be well versed in English (though hardly) and able to dish out hokkien vulgarities like I knew your Mom.
So yesterday I met up with our 4/2'Clique. I know the name's kinda puerile. But we were barely 16 underaged virgins. What do you expect?
We went to KBox (yes consistent with the Chinese thing) and spent quite a hefty sum of money on the songs, singing and dancing, acting out mtvs and gulping honey lemon like there's no tomorrow for me because I laughed and shouted so much into the mic to Jacky Cheung songs, I lost it.
I got a box of Royce chocolates from Yingying. Thanks! They're lovely. Deadly lovely!
We sang songs from Fish to Jacky Cheung/Wu to Jolin Tsai to Jeff Chang to FIR to CELINE DION. Kinda rave. Really. I whispered my directions home to the taxi uncle. That's how mute I was.
It got kinda late. Jamie and I didn't manage to catch the last train to Dhoby Ghaut (to take NEL) so we decided to take a train to Ang Mo Kio and do a detour sorta thing back home on the cab because it was cheaper this way. Laypeng actually went ahead to Zouk to party in her t-shirt and jeans and flipflops combo. What the hell.
But it sent a strong message to me. I have to get out soon! I'm catching Constantine with Prasad the Slut tomorrow at Lido. We might be dropping by at Rouge because we're broken like page boys but we feel like partying! They've got lockers so I'm not worried about my Notes.
I hope it's fun. Even if it's not, I'll just take an NR back anyways. No harm done.
My Chinese improved yesterday. I can read unsimplified Chinese texts now.
Thursday, February 17, 2005, 04:06 p.m.
Su's Birthday At Hotel Grand Central.
It's probably a month overdue. But the pictures are finally passed to me by Prasad. Our memory is as worthless as a pack of dust, obviously.
Well, the pictures are arranged in order of degrees of soberness/sanity/intoxication.
Innocent enough. An almost empty bottle of champagne. After a bottle of champagne. 3's a crowd. Excessively flicker happy. Humping bunnies after a dry shot of solid vodka. (That was without ice, without dilution, downright disgusting ethanol-tasting crap.)
The night continued at Coyote Ugly. Too much Tequila. Too much Gin Tonic. Too much Cider Beer screwing up our systems. Too much knickers showing on the bar top. I can hardly remember the times I stepped down from it. But hell, it was freaking embarassing even by stupor standards. Dress falling, best-friend grinding. We looked like a dirty set of foursome. *hic. Explains why I hardly go CU anymore.
New year has been plain and rather uneventful. I'm struck my the fatigue bug so hard, I can hardly hold conversations.
Saturday, February 12, 2005, 11:22 p.m.
End Year Whining.
I don't think I can fit into my cheongsam on the second day of New Year, my jeans are gonna be tight, my skirt is going to cut into my thick waist of fats.
Despite my strict dieting last week, I sorta got a little too tempted by a container of pineapple tarts given to us by my Mom's colleague. My downfall, I know. But well.
If I'm going to be as much of a camwhore as last year, I'm going to take many many many pictures again!
Problem is. My recharges are darned fucked up and so well, I'll keep my fingers crossed.
I need more pictures. But yeah. I've yet installed my FinePixViewer.
My life is full of temptations and procrastination.
Tuesday, February 8, 2005, 06:42 p.m.
Statistics Class.
I think this is a beautiful picture. Isn't it? With Natalie during Statistics 1 class in school. There's always time to be flicker happy.
Wednesday, February 2, 2005, 01:16 a.m.
Whisky convert.
I used to be the Queen of Gin Tonic, affectionately termed by Miss Vodka Lime herself because everytime when we used to party at Mohammed Sultan, I seemed to drink nothing but Gin tonic.
The bitterness of alcohol hardly gets to me anymore. Cider actually tastes sweet.
If I were rich, I'd be a big time Cordon Bleu drinker. My uncles are big on that. And it's orgasmic. Letting it slide down your throat and warming up the pit of your stomach. Nice. Especially with an empty stomach. I love how I feel that sudden gush of blood to my face, making me blush unlike the redness that floods my cheeks other spirits induces. When I'm intoxicated, my eyes turn teary, my face is white as sheet except for my cheeks that would be so eerily blushed in contrast to the rest of the pale face, I look like a chinese ghost.
I wish I could live a higher life. Meet fun people. Drink my days away at night, be a corporate bitch by day. I realised that, at the turn of the year, as I head reluctantly 20, my concept of life and comfort, and success has changed drastically. I don't want to be the mediocre Admin personnel that does nothing but get sandwiched between the other departments at work. I believe I'm heading in the right direction with my pursue of a degree. Somehow I realise I sound different already. Maybe the alter ego that's playing in the other blog is getting to me. But I kinda like it.
People might diss at me and think I'm another discerning materialistic bitch. Truth is, I am. It's hard not to be nowadays. Because as much as I want to be content, I want to succeed. And success is now gauged so nominally, I'm given no choice but to abide to the rules and see affluence as a goal in life. Not that it's the ultimate. But the ultima might just be enabled by it.
I am not big on branded goods. But I'd want to grow up to be someone with better class and style. Which would mean I'd want a few branded accessories. A nice car. Nice home. Doesn't need to be private or anything like that, I believe flats are beautiful these days.
My goal in life is success. In many things. As a person, as a poet/writer, as any roles I might take on in the future. You might think Janathema has been possessed by some weird global demon. But to tell you straight in the face, I believe a life without worry is bliss. Seeing how my parents struggle to reach where they are, and even now, continually in the process of endless strife to get money for us. Being in the middle class has made me more mercenary than a white collared family. I don't know. But I'd want to give my parents a good life. And that means making a lot of money.
Tuesday, February 1, 2005, 10:24 p.m.
Hiatus.
it has been long. i've been thinking of making this a photoblog. it's way easier for me and it's gotta be a new source of inspiration. any comments? mail me: hungforbitchery@yahoo.com
i've gotta get my software ready. my new computer doesn't have my finepix viewer.
was a little down last night due to some comments somewhere else. but well. nohing's going to stop me from doing what a write. he realised i AM writing fiction. who cares anyway. i'll just change a nickname and start over at worst.
it's a wonderful sunday morning. i woke up feeling the smooth fabric of the blanket rubbing against my legs. could we get more snoozy?
Sunday, January 30, 2005, 09:44 a.m.
Diet and other things.
i've been on a diet, lol, releasing myself from the tonnes of vices i have in life.
i have been on exceptional highs after eating much less these days.
mocks are coming right after chinese new year. how exhilrating.
i kinda miss photo-blogging. imma try to meet up with prasad or something cuz he's the only one who'd support my rad taking of nonsensical pictures.
yeah. i'll try to come up with something contemplative soon.
but before that, it shall be ragnarok.
i'm Janathema*. message me if you play there. even better if you're a priest!
Monday, January 24, 2005, 06:35 p.m.
a breath of fresh air - my new plastic smells terrific.
well. i got my new computer yesterday and i'm using it now already. can't get ragnarok downloaded because the file size is just humongous and i can't fit it into a cd or removable drive. usb system to system cables cost a bomb, i realised. i guess i'll have to wait for norman for him to pass it to me via his creative muvo.
i'm tired and restless. and there are many things i wish to forget.
Friday, January 21, 2005, 03:43 p.m.
Anonymity of sorts.
i've started on the little literary escapade i mentioned earlier on in my previous entries. i shan't link them to this blog as i feel a sudden need for anonymity. that my literary endeavours be judged secular from your impression of me. and my rubbish. here.
but after having started on the little erotic discourse i've commenced with, i realised my writing skills have been far wasted blogging in this blog. because everything's gotten too mundane in my life. i'm not dating anymore. my friends are kinda. well. let's just say my list of kindred have been reduced, concised and relatively settled so not much of bitchery or backstabbing to diss about. a few reasons leading to it might be my increasing numbness towards everything that's happening around me. in my life, i feel like the backdrop for actors beyond my control to happen. rather than the other way round.
but of course you people here would somehow, well, know from my periodical sporadic sex talks that this subject is one i hardly get tired of. so i decided to milk it for all its worth and make it a channel for my bursting creativity for fantasies what not. because while my literary juices seemed to have stopped its once presumedly everlasting flow, my hormones are still raging at this age of 20 that i'm slowly becoming of. it's an area that anyone hardly gets tired of, no matter how early they start in this lifetime exploration.
and, and. of course there'd be people frowning upon my wanton behaviour by local standards. which i don't deny. especially when they're religious. i respect virginity, chastity, purity and synonyms of such. i think it's a wonderful magical thing. but some people just can't turn back. cuz they don't want to. and because virginity is perceived as such a physical thing, it's irrevocable. blame it on biology.
there it is. it's somewhere on cyberspace. my little dark thoughts on our wonderful human anatomy. so perfect if without the appendix and tonsils. but if God really was the creator of human beings, i'd like to praise him with all my heart. for the human anatomy really is, a playground of endless possibilities. and the technicality behind it all is enthralling. this with that. how our reactions are induced. even depression itself, is such mysterious and complex it's awe-inspiring.
cheers for all wonderful things given to us in life, be it my Sky Paradise and company, Allah, God and his Son, all the Hindu Gods (cults that propagate sex is wrong however. sex is a humanly pleasure. not to be used as an offering to such "gods" they worship. for it's a privilege and well, duty given to us. offering sex for eternal heavenship is weird, warped and waywarded.) i thank them for giving us all in life. for in all depression and deprivation, there the very inexhaustive mysteriousness of it, is fabulous.
i AM turning optimistic ain't i. see what writing sex does to me now?
i'll come up with a riddle soon for you guys to figure out what my website is. it's not on google yet tho. so don't try too hard. and nothing to do with janathema. for she is a hardworking student who's slowly becoming a "business profit-maximising Bitch". oh. did i just paraphrase my sex blog?
many many cheers. and several winks to go with them.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005, 09:52 a.m.
Anonymity of sorts.
i've started on the little literary escapade i mentioned earlier on in my previous entries. i shan't link them to this blog as i feel a sudden need for anonymity. that my literary endeavours be judged secular from your impression of me. and my rubbish. here.
but after having started on the little erotic discourse i've commenced with, i realised my writing skills have been far wasted blogging in this blog. because everything's gotten too mundane in my life. i'm not dating anymore. my friends are kinda. well. let's just say my list of kindred have been reduced, concised and relatively settled so not much of bitchery or backstabbing to diss about. a few reasons leading to it might be my increasing numbness towards everything that's happening around me. in my life, i feel like the backdrop for actors beyond my control to happen. rather than the other way round.
but of course you people here would somehow, well, know from my periodical sporadic sex talks that this subject is one i hardly get tired of. so i decided to milk it for all its worth and make it a channel for my bursting creativity for fantasies what not. because while my literary juices seemed to have stopped its once presumedly everlasting flow, my hormones are still raging at this age of 20 that i'm slowly becoming of. it's an area that anyone hardly gets tired of, no matter how early they start in this lifetime exploration.
and, and. of course there'd be people frowning upon my wanton behaviour by local standards. which i don't deny. especially when they're religious. i respect virginity, chastity, purity and synonyms of such. i think it's a wonderful magical thing. but some people just can't turn back. cuz they don't want to. and because virginity is perceived as such a physical thing, it's irrevocable. blame it on biology.
there it is. it's somewhere on cyberspace. my little dark thoughts on our wonderful human anatomy. so perfect if without the appendix and tonsils. but if God really was the creator of human beings, i'd like to praise him with all my heart. for the human anatomy really is, a playground of endless possibilities. and the technicality behind it all is enthralling. this with that. how our reactions are induced. even depression itself, is such mysterious and complex it's awe-inspiring.
cheers for all wonderful things given to us in life, be it my Sky Paradise and company, Allah, God and his Son, all the Hindu Gods (cults that propagate sex is wrong however. sex is a humanly pleasure. not to be used as an offering to such "gods" they worship. for it's a privilege and well, duty given to us. offering sex for eternal heavenship is weird, warped and waywarded.) i thank them for giving us all in life. for in all depression and deprivation, there the very inexhaustive mysteriousness of it, is fabulous.
i AM turning optimistic ain't i. see what writing sex does to me now?
i'll come up with a riddle soon for you guys to figure out what my website is. it's not on google yet tho. so don't try too hard. and nothing to do with janathema. for she is a hardworking student who's slowly becoming a "business profit-maximising Bitch". oh. did i just paraphrase my sex blog?
many many cheers. and several winks to go with them.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005, 09:52 a.m.
getting strict.
it's the 15th day of the new year and i'm glad i'm still keeping my resolutions fresh and crisp.
and i've started taking evening primrose oil supplements already. whatever it takes to achieve better skin.
i met gopal yesterday and well, we had coffee. i realise the three hour classes i have at sim's training me into one couchie.
i can't really compose myself today. just feeling grogged up, gastric-ie and bloated at the same time.
i'm just glad SIM's gonna be a recognised university.
i just hope there won't be fees adjustment.
damn you all bitches who've never heard of sim!
Saturday, January 15, 2005, 07:30 p.m.
muses and amuses.
how would you feel if you lived on Pennefather Road right beside dunman food centre?
if "penne" should be pronounced like the pasta, it'd be "pen-nay".
so it'd become pen-nay father.
COME ON DARLINGS! REPEAT AFTER ME! PENNEFATHER PENNEFATHER PENNEFATHER PENNEFATHER PENNEFATHER PENNEFATHER.
imagine hard enough and it becomes penisfather. an awfully crude name for an estate filled with terraces and semi-detached housing.
would you dye your hair blonde, wear red lipstick, where calf-exposing skirts and sleeveless tops at 60?
i murmured to my parents in mandarin.
"this auntie so old already still dye her hair until so gold and flick flick flick her hair."
she glared at me. and i thought she'd heard what she said about her. she stepped forward, antagonistically. i looked away and pretended i was drinking the best grass jelly drink in the world.
then she went back to where she was standing, leaning on the metal railings along the edge of the second floor.
i later found out that neither of my parents heard what i said. so she was just coincidentally trying to take a better look at my silky ahlian-from-china black rebonded hair. maybe. since her hair looked more like hay than keratin.
would you "WA" at what the person sitting at the table next to you is ordering?
there was this couple sitting next to us. well. a good metre away i guess. the guy kept staring at us ordering food and the food we were ordering. till we were eating and after we'd finished. i know we ordered a lot. but don't. well. STARE! only carebears do. *sticks out tummy*
hmmm. i did a gorge-you-eyes-out hand sign (imagine a wriggling peace sign) to my mom and said we should all turn and show him that with a sinister smile. my mom thought i was crazy. but she laughed anyways.
then my parents and i started talking about my mom's prolonged post-natal blues. ie. she was (and sometimes still is) very fussy, temperamental, emotional and most affectingly, violent.
she said that people commented that she doted on my brother more cuz she hit him less. well. actually not. because my brother didn't spill green bean soup, coffee and coke on the kitchen floor as a kid. my fingers were unbelievably buttered. (they still are) my mom, i shall name her WO MAMA (my mother in mandarin) Health Organisation (WHO), was a person who didn't only treat cleaniness as godliness. she was the Goddess of Cleaniness reincarnated herself. sometimes i blame her for my poor immune system cuz she kept the house so sanitized, my immune system never got challenged to development. it got stuck at the baby stage. i might be getting "hand mouth foot" (a pediatrical disease that spreads like wildfire in childcare centres.) next for all you know. ahhh. she's getting more lenient with age.
i think i've almost forgotten the feeling of primming myself up to meet say, someone i like. norman's been with me so long that i don't really think about how i look when i meet him. i don't get anxious about how he sees me. i'm anxious just to see him. has this tiny thought when a friend started telling me how he likes this girl... and they're sorta going out. awww.
a pimple is coming up. retin a!!! where are you!
Thursday, January 13, 2005, 10:09 p.m.
fussing over this, that and whatnots.
there aren't many days i feel intellectual enough to quote myself. today, i shall. as excited i was when i screamt EUREKA! in class, i will leave my quote here.
"Power does not have its source in obedience but in resistance."
shall blog about it sooner than you'd want it.
well. i have to say that. it's irritating having to go into that "stare in my face every second to check whether it's facing a breakout soon or not" state. with the hormone pills i took, clear skin was taken for granted. i didn't have to fuss about it. the only side effect was my sensitive, rashy patchy skin flare-ups that happened once in a while. but even that, i'm not too sure whether it's truly caused by the pills or not.
i'm contemplating continuing the pills if i realise that i'll get flareups even if i'm not on them. well. because the main reason why i stopped them was because i wanted to do a trial and error experiment on the pills. hopefully my skin continues to stay clear and rash-free. it'd save me $28 every month. it's been a week since i stopped and i'm still kinda paranoid. my skin's getting oily again and there have been 5 pimple cases which i have partially solved with my retin-a. i hope this just goes fine. save money and all.
i'm actually in school now and i ought to get back to my studies asap. well. i'm bored. don't blame me. imma go shop at this fashion later. i know i know. i'm a cheapskate. but you wouldn't have known if i hadn't told you anyway, right?
at least i'm honest.
Thursday, January 13, 2005, 03:39 p.m.
midi files and depression
i'm not going to use the term depression cuz it makes me sound like an oddball kid with an attitude. no. i know the pains of depression, seeing it on some people who have been the closest to me than anyone else and i won't use that term as a label or anything like it cuz. well. that just isn't write.
so i shall use depression as an emotional term.
they're pulling down the blocks of 4-storey flats opposite my house. i stand before the balcony periodically and see parts of the oblong being cut away. like a log cake getting sliced up. the length gets shorter and shorter and. i can't help but feel kinda emotional about all this tearing down of houses. maybe i hold old things and memories with too much importance. maybe that's why i often feel old in this even older world cuz it's changing and i seem to be staggering myself in breathlessness just to catch up, in the meanwhile frowning at people who are discarding whatever they deem impractical or unprofitable for something newer, better, colder.
and midi files make me go all wuzzy. especially those looped ones that after a while, fade into a negligible yet haunting background music as you stare at your keyboard with a stoic expression. and your heart sinks lower and lower, for no particularly reason, as if the monophonic midi is chanting yourself to depression.
which is weird. i am a person rather influenced by external factors. so much i think it's unhealthy.
well. prasad's brother (have i told you guys how cute this three brothers are? omgomgomg.) is gonna do an interview with me for his sociology essay. well. my opinion is going to become a statistic. but i still am excited about it. cuz people hardly listen to people nowadays. i'm glad just being a number.
i've slacked all day. did short drafts on my sociology essay. when i get into the mood i'll do fine. soon. by tonight. i shouldn't be such a drag.
my mood's slightly better already. besides being pissed off at myself for staying at home today. idling my time unproductively away. at least the damned hp people called. the guy replied relatively quickly. a stone off my chest. now i can start dealing with a sociological one.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005, 07:02 p.m.
religion and related stuff.
i have heard people being slammed for writing anything derogatory towards religion, particularly christianity. people leaving nasty comments and junking the bloggers' mailboxes with damnation and hell or any other things satanic.
i realised people can hardly contact me. even if they're burning in their groins to incinerate me in hellfire, the only thing's that gonna hear them are their monitors.
i've been in a maliciously low mood these days. having been on hormone pills to flush out the male hormones in my body (hence giving me clear skin because male hormones are what produces oil sebum and protection against pregnancy) and spending time to adjust to it, after 10 months of being on that pill, i'm stopping it. and it's giving me an emotional roller-coaster ride of the most horrific sort. i'm being thrown from highs to worrying lows in seconds. i'm vexed and i'm losing motivation to study cuz all i wanna do is stay at home and hibernate. i actually enjoy studying in school. especially in the school library. but today, i decided to stay at home. partly cuz i have to type out a soci essay (being out means i can only write it out) and partly cuz i was feeling...
***HP GUY CALLS AND SAID MY NUMBER WAS ADDED THE DAY I GOT MY ORDER CONFIRMED. YEAY.***
now where was i.
i was feeling hellish low. yeah.
i shall just give you an "About Me" section i filled yesterday for Hi5. you'd get what i mean when i say i'm feeling a bit more than frustrated suddenly.
i'm more jovial than i believe i am, cracking jokes and giggling to the slightest pinch of humour you give me. people either get creeped out or disgusted by the things i write because they're so different from what i portray as, daily, face-to-face, people think i'm bipolar or a phoney with my often overdosed negativity. i think i'm a relatively happy person. i could be happier, if everything in life didn't need so much more effort from me than from anyone else. i'm easily contented. but i'm a glutton. i eat more than i should because i always think i have a digestive system of a cow. i'm servile to the mildest temptations. and i often regret talking too much, being carried away and telling people things only my wayward little brain comprehends. i'm apparently complicated, weird and troubled. they should realise i just let my mind travel a bit more than normal people. i love fashion. i hate studying but i hate not studying more. i think i'm a romantic and sometimes i get so hung up in that mood i seem to get possessed. my breathing feels strange and my movements become as languid as ina 1950s black and white film. sometimes i get into personas and i talk to myself, rehearsing the lines, playing split roles, dancing to songs in the background, lip-syncing to a britney spears perfection. i am afraid to die. i always think about death and its related issues. i don't think about where i am going to be after dying. but what will i feel the second after i close my eyes for an eternal slumber. how many people would attend my funeral, how many people would cry and if the people i loved dearly did. i love mirrors. i have plenty at home. they kinda freak me out in the middle of the night when my blood pressure sinks and colour gets flushed outta my cheeks. staring into the mirror at night is scary. when your features seem marbled together and your pupils stretch dilated to see where your eyes are only to see you staring right into your own face and the shadow behind you because you're astigmatic. i take a lot of pictures because it's the only place people will find me pretty. it gives me an unrealistic sense of security but it's good enough for a narcissist.
i'm not feeling very happy am i. but it's okay! i shall start reading up on sociology. this is not going to get me down. *shakes head awake*
Wednesday, January 12, 2005, 11:56 a.m.
the hp sales agents massacre.
their voicemailboxes are full. their phone lines are often engaged. their sales agents are ALWAYS busy. and what i want to do is just to freaking add my mobile phone number as my contact number cuz i'm not going to be at home within office hours. i checked their website and there's no email address i can mail to regarding my order. the sales agent i spoke too has a void email address. i fucking can't take this anymore.
serming actually told me that his upgraded dvd-rw drive, from a cd-rom drive, can't read dvds. somehow, the driver for the device was left out.
i am bloody disappointed. to the point that i'm speechlessly frustrated. and i can't whine to my parents cuz i don't wanna fuss them up with such a small thing. anything wrong happens, it's my computer and my fault. i can't blame anyone.
and i haven't played ragnarok for such a long time. if the new com doesn't support it, i'm going to get so pissed off at myself that i'm gonna leap outta my window.
i am officially pissed off with hewlett packard.
well well. life has to go on. so i watched sabrina, the audrey hepburn version in BLACK AND WHITE. wooo. she's so pretty. but a pity that it's in black and white. their clothes look so pretty.
and i seemed to have watched a remake sometime back. a modern version. with the same storyline. sabrina's a lower class child, goes abroad, comes back and stuns the playboy younger brother of the two and later enthralls the elder with her charm and wit. yeah.
kinda cliched. but during THAT time, it was kinda spiffy a plot don't ya think? i mean. look at modern tv. days of our lives is painfully hilarious when you watch it. it's the american answer to taiwanese hokkien serials. hahaha.
so imma study in school tomorrow. or rather, study in preparation to write my sociology essay a week late. and i'm gonna stay in school on thursday as well so that i can finish my management essay due this coming monday. ah.
i should start bucking up. before i get too complacent.
a month and a half to mocks.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005, 06:05 p.m.
gothica.
an ex-classmate for a very long time commented that i am, still into the goth phase and it was as if i never got outta it. black clothes. dark eyeshadow. i never seemed all that brightly-coloured sugar-rice a person ever.
they commented that my hair was really dark (from all the atrocities i've done with my hair) and i was getting so inhumanly fair.
they have no idea how much i wanted to ignite into a ball of euphoria. it's comforting when your efforts to look ghastly are paid off. i need darker hair. was thinking of dying it blue so that it'd look more intense a black but heck. i ought to leave my hair to rest for a long long time.
i had school today. my energy level's running low these days. argh.
i got back a management assignment today and i got 63%! the lecturer commented that i wrote well! at least the things i learnt in jc are starting to pay off now. i'm glad i had subjects that made essays imperative to me. when i see how my classmates struggle with essays cuz they're not arts students or jc students even, i feel a little relieved for myself but at the same time, sorry for them cuz essay writing skills don't come in a day. you need practice and trial and errors to test out your own style. i did it since secondary school. and got more precise in jc. 2 solid years of moe-regulated torture isn't that easy to catch up with really.
well, thanks sajc. for though you had a huge bunch of rich brats with arrogance and ego enough to mend the ozone layer, you taught me well. miss k did. together with my other tutors. miss chong, mrs tan. actually. that's all really.
besides florence and prasad, the other people in class are just. so. far.
doesn't help that i'm not christian ya know. many of them religious, pious self-proclaimed virgins. of course they are lovely people like siwei, chiying and melissa. mel and florence are catholic and christian respectively. but they have never tried to force their views on me. which makes them particularly endearing cuz i really feel that mutual respect we have as friends. and that they actually give my religion some "face" so to speak.
i bought a pair of 10dollar slippers. my mom bought one too. they're wooden soled. nice pink. wooo. ya know chinese new year is coming. we should allllllll shop for new clothes and what not. i can't wait to get a new toothbrush and new nighties!
i love the new year mood, don't you? for those of you who don't feel anything, if you're chinese, my heart goes out to you all.
it's such a heartening occasion and you're too numb to feel anything. prrrf.
many people i respect. those without any sense of their roots, are simply not worth any.
Monday, January 10, 2005, 10:12 p.m.
$1990 - $1971 = $19
i went to RELC to submit my exam fees. somehow the walk from orchard hotel all the way to beyond shangri-la hotel isn't that long this time.
so i had subway with jiajia. i'm really into hoop earrings now. i bought big white hoop earrings that day. i bought bigger black hoop earrings today.
somehow i regret rebonding my hair. i loved it voluminous and hellish black.
well well. the only thing i can do now is to let it grow.
i've been studying in school pretty often this last week. i'm kinda drained. but i can't stop. well. mocks are end of february so there really isn't much time to doodle around anymore. my exam fees are a bloody $1971 singaporean dollars. converted from sterling pounds.
serming told me something.
his campmate said the tsunami struck sri lanka cuz some churches in the affect areas were destroyed not too long before the disaster happened. and therefore, we should not offend God or else you shall be punished.
so serming commented that. if this was true, God must be ruthless and merciless to take away so many innocent lives.
today, i asked jiajia what she felt about it. since she's a rather devout new creations church member. there's no use asking people who don't go for sermons anymore cuz they'd most prolly give you a mild mediocre answer.
so jiajia said, it's the evil deeds of satan. not God's punishment.
i interpreted it as. satan causing the tsunami so that he could stain God's name and quake (literally) the faith followers have in the Lord.
if satan was tsunami, God must be United Nations.
eureka!
and i started to wonder what would happen if we burnt down churches. we would be sent to hell right? but. God will give us a lifetime of opportunity to repent and receive him.
no wonder the evil always live long lives.
so when does he decide that it's time to take us away from here?
what about cancer patients? aids patients? who carry these awful burdens since a tender age even. well. we buddhist/taoist have retribution/karma et al. for what your parents have done, your grandparents have done, your ancestors have done and what you have done in your past life. how does God distinguish who to make suffer in the lifetime and who to banish to hell after death? cuz when people die, kinship will say he's been brought up to heaven to be with God. and suicide is a sin so we can technically only wait to die. is death actually a blessing from God? is life a punishment by itself? then why is life a gift when we all live to die in the end to reunite with our creator? and does being hitler ensure you a long life cuz God's gonna give you time before he judges you? wait. God judges no one. now i'm confused.
i'm not anti-christ. i value my religion but i don't see it as a universal prescription for everyone. cuz i believe religion is not to ensure you get to rise to heaven and enjoy dancing on clouds but a source of inner peace and security in the lifetime itself. it's just different perspectives of on the same issue, as existent in almost everything in life. i'm not trying to disclaim what i said either. i'm just trying to tell christians that tho it is important to carry out the mission of leading people to God, it is also essential to sometimes give other religions a breather and not classify as devil's creations to draw people away from God and things like that. respect is very important for understanding. the more you come to criticise us, the more antagonistic we get, the less we wanna know about your religion.
having that many folks out there pursuing a blind sense of faith doesn't help in boosting our impression on christianity. (blind followers ie. those who try to talk to you about God and then get confused halfway then try to damn you to hell for being blasphemous.) on a sidenote, churches should not let new converts go out to preach and invite teenagers to church camps and stuff like that. i cuz i stumped a newly converted evangelist a couple of years ago. i thought i knew the bible better than she knew God.
i actually sometimes feel sad when my friends convert to christianity. cuz if a religion can be switched to and from, what about integrity?
i'm touching on dangerous waters now. ain't i. okay back to the tsunami.
so if satan was the tsunami that took away the precious lives and when we die we actually get closer to God, isn't it God's blessing that the people died? well. guess not. cuz they didn't receive God and so they're gonna go to hell. and so God is going to let satan take them away? is he going to save them from satan because they're innocent? or is he going to let them go cuz they're not christians.
and if satan was the tsunami which killed, the people who lived were blessed by God. who have been indirectly cursed by this survival cuz they're suffering from such severe lack of amenities and grief from losing their loved ones, they're feeling worse than death? therefore, by letting them live, God's sending them to satan's hands again?
all this when you want to bipolarise it into the perennial war between God and satan sounds ridiculously cyclical and carried away after a while. there are actually grey areas. that are easier and clearer left secular.
i digress here. christians, please don't say joss sticks are created to worship satan. and our toktokchiangs are diabolic. i am offering my Sky Palace its daily dose of faith and we're just celebrating certain festivities with our traditional ways of song and dance.
i'm tearing everytime i hear the word tsunami and lives and donations.
singapore, i'm kinda proud of you for having contributed more than we've ever had. really.
Friday, January 7, 2005, 10:37 p.m.
i saw wendy cheng, xiaxue
i read her blog pretty regularly. there aren't simple vocabed yet grammatically correct blogs everywhere in singapore. i have to settle for what i have.
well, i saw her outside fareast, when i was leaving for the mrt station with florence. she's darned petite. and... well not very tall. heavily made up, not unlike what you see in the pictures, and making her two-way cake way to fairness. well...
it's msot surprising how i get to see the people i read on the streets. i saw eileen, xiaxue's friend along orchard road prolly 2 months ago as well. she's as petite. really.
they almost wear the same makeup they do in their blog photos. yeah.
i don't think anyone who reads my blog will recognise me in real life. unless you're my enemy or ex-boyfriend coming to see whether i'm still a virgin or not cuz i said you dick was too small and refused to look at it.
i look a mess all the time. i think i look pretty composed in the pictures. and most importantly, i look nice in my pictures. in real life well. i'm just an awkward child of warped thoughts from a forgotten era called barney and friends for 19 year olds.
angle plays a big part in photog don't you think?
i finally got my call returned from dear mr andrew who sounds like a singh from HP and i've made an upgrade for my computer from ram 128 to 256 and a 15" to a 17incher for my monitor.
148 bucks plus delivery charges. the computer works on intel celeron. instead of pentium 4 like most computers. he told me 98% of the customers did a $399 upgrade to an 80gig harddrive, 256 mem, dvd rw, intel pentium 4 processor and something else. which i've forgotten. well.
i kept rejecting the offer. so he churned out more offers that were increasingly attractive. when i was about to officially confirm my order, he told me "miss joanna, would you like a final upgrade at $99 from a 128 mem to a 256?"
AH! he's sneaky ain't he.
"it comes with a 17" monitor."
i can't do anything with a bloody 128mem so i took the offer. he. he. hehehe.
i spend 13.50 today and managed to get 1 hairband, 2 shawls, 1 pair of white hooped earrings. yeaaaaah.
but dinner was costly. 16 for pasta. 7.40 for gelare. i'm kinda broke already.
and after paying for that upgrade. well. let's not talk about it.
OH BY THE WAY! (this is going to be the most exciting part of this entry.)
i'm going to write erotica in an alternative blog. layout undecided. persona in process of characterisation. just you wait.
i should give it a try. since pornography is almost the only literature i read for leisure.
Tuesday, January 4, 2005, 10:43 p.m.
things i'd want.
i can take back few things on my wish list for the new year, like getting guccied from head to toe and getting a spiffy, techbitten 3g handphone. yes. i can take back all of that if you could just make my brother a more lovable person. at least. don't make him one of my most disloving.
apart from the material things i wish for every year but always succeed in failure, there are a few things i'd wish for this year.
not to EVER get a flu again.
not to have sore throats again.
not to have unnecessary hair on my body EVER EVER EVER again.
to be cleverer.
to be more well-read.
to never have skin sensitivities ever again. actually. this is wish is most important to me. cuz it only surfaced this year. others. well. i've always been like that so i won't ask for miracles really. can't i just have normal NORMAL skin?
strong, healthy teeth.
my own novel.
lotsa poetry.
passing my first 4 units at SIM-UOL. pleaseee!
i know i'm not the most friendly person on earth. and that my temper is getting really bad. but it's because everyone's trying to wear me out like car tyres and i can't stand their grinding and mean words anymore. i'm tired. you know. tired. very. suicidal tired. but however, not suicidal.
my skin is all red and itchy AGAIN. god save me.
i think i shall be well soon. i should.
i have been spending loads of time with my mom. i think i really can't live without her. i can't believe how much i've tamed down. people would prolly call this maturity. but i call this ageing. i feel darned tired about everything. really.
you see. the little havocs people of my age wreck now or have just started not so long ago, have been over and done with me. i started staying out before fifteen. i crashed clubs at sixteen. went for countless barbeques and chalets and all those teen FREEDOM activities before i even got my i/c. there wasn't much freedom i could request for. for i had enough of it to make me the envy of all those grounded poor little darlings locked away at home on christmas and new year's eve nights.
i think i pretty much outgrew that era. i hear people of my age or older, who were tied at home by their folks partying more madly than i would. going out, staying out all the time. being hardly at home, wearing fashion and well. going to clubs.
to people like this, i smile and nod my head in an ironic, silent dismay. it makes it kinda sarcastic doesn't it. well. i just feel sorry for those who are only getting to really live the teenage life after teenage. they do it the most extremely. they're like prisoners released for a murder spree.
i try not to mock them. but somehow, we always laugh at people who do the things we used to do. it's dumb actually. cuz eventually you'd be laughing at myself. but i can't help it. especially when i half-regret partying too much too young. when people ask me out these days, i'm always so lethargic. anything other than coffee and dinner for me is too taxing physically.
i stay at home all the time now. when you overdo something it seems that you feel lost and don't wanna do it anymore. when enjoyment becomes routine, it's not enjoyable.
i can't tell you how tired i feel at the age of nineteen.
well.
i watched evita just now. woooo. peron! peron!
i never understood how sad "you must love me" is until i watched the show. to me. it's a song about insecurities and how things go past so quickly so fast, you aren't sure anymore. cuz you never had time to tell the other person how you felt.
everyone should watch the show. really.
i cried to the show of course. but the electric guitar music accompaniment became oftenly anti-climatic. making it sound phoney. other than that. i think i'm in love with women who wear red lipstick.
i love that era. pre-war post-war. 1950s. we've reached the end of an era. and stepped into one where technology has replaced romanticism. numbers have become greater than words. nothing hardly sounds lyrical anymore.
Sunday, January 2, 2005, 10:00 p.m.
feeling a little bit older.
one of the few things that have always excited me, is the crisp keyboard typing sound old keyboards make.
mine happens to be kinda new. so you won't get that "spring under the key" kinda twangy sound to my typing. but well. sometimes i just type rubbish. cuz i like to hear myself typing. and sometimes i type with so much vigor, too much, it dies out halfway thru an entry. so you'd realise i either end cheesily or don't end at all.
i am as bimbotic as i am flatchested. there is no doubt about my silent stupidity. people tell me i'm smart. because i simply know when to shut up. when i don't know about something, and you talk to me about it, i'll give you a sickeningly cordial smile. i'll make you feel you're making some error yourself instead.
i do not try to manipulate people. the most i can do now is to avoid getting manipulated. and avoidance still means i get sillily used sometimes.
that was an ugly digression. what i truly wanted to say regarding my ignorance is that. when i first saw the headlines on tv about the tidal waves hitting the indian oceanic coasts, i thought tsunami was a place in indonesia.
i mean. i know they kept saying sumatra but. but... well. okay. i'm sorry.
and coming to think about it. it had to be japanese. (my brother told me it was) because it's only in japanese that you pronounce "tsu" as a cross between "zu" and "zi" and not "su".
*bangs head
so this year i plan to become wiser. ahem.
but the real reason why i'm saying that i'm bimbotic and everything, leading me to talk about the tsunami disaster, is that i wrote something about it.
Revelations
I bury myself in the cold, bitter sea,
A place I'd not hear the hoos above -
Where the water fills my lungs a murky grey,
My heart sinking into an abyssal cave.
I dig into the water with my blistered bare hands
In seek of a treasure beyong the sands.
Time is ticking its sprint away,
My tears lost in a gush of waves.
I close my eyes to recall your face
But all I see is a subtle glow.
Then a mural of blues and whites rippled,
I struggle to sink but i remain afloat.
The irony of life is not only its end
For death will never hide you below.
it's supposed to depict me being dead and looking for myself. hmmm.
Saturday, January 1, 2005, 01:01 p.m.
customer service.
i've been in the customer service line/industry before. but instead of making me more empathetic towards customer service people, i've become more stringent in my demands when it comes to customer service. and i've learnt to be as demanding as hostile as i can when i speak to them cuz in singapore, that's what it takes to get your stuff done quickly and properly.
by being an impatient customer, the company would be more afraid of offending you. with the iso quality thing going on in various industries in singapore, the companies are afraid of negative feedback. the bottom service staff are always the ones who get the most pressure. and it's true really. if you've got the cheek to print that iso logo on your envelopes, you should have the proper common sense to brush up your service. alot of companies just attain that logo for show. after all, the filing and call-answering procedures are all bullshit. because the only time you see the companies doing it by the book is when they're observed by the iso officers. the dates and documentation might all be fake and flawed. but no one really knows except the own staff in the company. same goes to call-processing. they can be really polite and nice to you, follow the greeting->companyname->speakername->how may i help you? but they can take ages to answer back your call. cuz they won't be penalised for returning calls eons after or not at all when they are "out for an appointment", "engaged in a meeting", "not at his/her desk", "is not in the office today" because the caller is assumed to have been informed that there might be a possibility that your phone number might get lost in the office, scribbled on a post-it together with another dozen of numbers. i know. cuz i was a receptionist.
so when the HP people started pulling that on me, i know it's all bull. they told me to wait for 3 or 4 days for their sales person to call back. after the 3 or 4 days might be another 3 or 4 days. so i'm gonna keep trying everyday on that silly guy's DID till i hear his silly voice.
my mom said it's prolly cuz the computer's free and they can't be bothered. if you can't be bothered, don't have that promotion. i'm quite pretty fed up with hearing faceless voices and it's, in fact, hard to even get thru to HP. i called 20+ times before i even got my line thru. what is this? doesn't a big company like them have PABX? 8 lines or more maybe? if i'm gonna have to wait for that ANDREW to call me back and get nothing in the end, i'm not gonna let this rest. although my complaint might be taken lightly by some admin personnel, i'll at least make sure i get whoever's responsible a little uncomfortable for a while. i just have to check HP's credentials. check out their profiles. well. i have realised that when a consumer knows alot about the company, the staff always work on the tip of their toes. aren't they masochistic?
it's even better when you earn a name for yourself in their office. like "that bitchy girl" or something that they gossip top each other about in the pantry, making their 152753248716387th cup of milo for the day which effectively makes them work alot less than they should. ot and get paid 1.5 times they deserve if they deserve anything at all.
it's ridiculous for a consumer to have to wait 3 or 4 WORKING days to get a reply from a puny sales personnel. if i'm arranging a date to speak to someone at the management level, fine. executive level. well. okay. but a sales representative doesn't deserve my wait. cuz days are gonna go by and my number's gonna get lost someone and they're never gonna return my call cuz they don't have a secretary to remind them that they should give me a call after they have sex in the office.
so, so. i'll call again tomorrow. leave another voicemail. bug everyone at HP Contact Centre.
while i was getting ballastic over this silly thing, i did a french manicure.
i think i'm gonna go for a old school hepburn kinda. well. outlook. not that i'm gonna wear inch long fakelashes and wear stockings to shop and wax my hair into a beehive. i'll just feel all breakfast and tiffany's.
but in the midst of all my bimbotic indulgences, i shall make sure i'll get a confirmed date for my baby's arrival.
yes. a homely compaq presario.
AND. eat at riverwalk tandoor with prasad. although i'm falling sick AGAIN now.
you know the tidal wave thingie is making me kinda depressed.
it seems that the deities are angry with us for something. the countries that are getting increasingly infected by these problems these days seem to be asian. thailand's always having problems. bird flu. tidal wave. well. we shall not ignore the perenially problematic government as a backdrop for all this calamity.
my hair's not straight straight straight anymore. which is good. and bad. cuz people are gonna say my rebonding failed. while i will gleam to myself everyday before the mirror that i can wash my hair and step outta he house without flyaways and i WILL NOT look like an ahlian from IMH since it's so bloody near my neighbourhood.
i'm getting more and more languid about stuff. about relationships with my friends. about studies. i ought to be bucking up since exams are gonna be end february and i still can't differentiate karl marx from weber. well. i guess i shall have to mug soon. before it's too late. retaking is EXPENSIVE.
i adore my nails. ah...
sometimes i feel that i'm getting too emotional for my own good.
freaky things are happening to me in the middle of the night these days. first i was awakened by a neck cramp in the middle of the night. i woke up feeling totally fine. not a single tensed muscle in my neck. it was so surreal i thought i was dreaming. the next night, i woke up scratching my piercing so hard it bled. i didn't know it was blood, thinking it was some plasma like liquid. until i switched off my bedside lamp and saw red blots on the tissue paper. it was so weird. i was scratching my ear in a half-conscious state. i thought i was having weird dreams again until i saw the blood-stained tissue papers on my bed.
i cried to bed that night after watching some show and my eyes are now lopsized. the right eye's bigger than my left. eeeks.
i seem to have spoken alot. but i feel like i've spoken nothing. happens when you just blindly type out daily routines.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004, 11:45 p.m.
i can't help it.
someone just said i gvet sad so easily and i spend so much time harping over it, it's bad.
but how would you react to only find out that your friend's ill from a national tv charity show?
are you supposed to not cry?
Sunday, December 26, 2004, 10:29 p.m.
jo-lian-na
the last time i rebonded my hair, i got a tad bit insecure and went around asking people if i looked lianie with ironed-straight hair. majority said no. maybe cuz i pulled the "don't tell me it looks ahlian please" and they had no choice but to say i look great with straight hair and have no remote resemblance to the ahlians who roam orchard road on weekends with ice-lemon-tee tops and 77th street accessories.
when they were rebonding my hair, i thought i looked like some korean ghost. everyone tells me my hair's long like ever but it's not. it doesn't even reach my nipples. i used to have longer hair no doubt. this is nothing.
i figured i should pin my fringe up cuz i'll look like the third member of power station if i don't. and pinning it up makes everything look slick and my face, fairer.
for a spiffy 110 bucks, i got my hair straightened to the max. it should be more voluminous by chinese new year. i like.
well. i actually LOVE voluminous hair and would discourage any big haired girl to rebond their hair. but mine was getting messy. big hair can be neat, wavy and "Glower" commercial looking. that you'd have to PAY me to rebond my hair. i figured i should get my hair flatter and wait for it to grow longer... and thus more shapely. i have to wait. it's a long term investment kinda thing. i promise i'm gonnam take care of my hair and not rebond again.
so i sat on the salon chair for 6.5 hours. my back was acting up. my tongue was cracked dry. and my gastric juices were chowing my stomach into a big gaping whole.
i look gross now. and i'll have to look gross for 2 more days before i can wash my hair and attempt to voluminise it. but well. it's fine when it's clipped up. as long as i can look fairly acceptable for now, i'm happy.
call me JOLIANNA!
*whistles*
by the way, i hate people commenting on my thick hair in a derogatory way. i've been living with it for 19 years and i've grown used to it. no matter how much you tell me it sucks, it doesn't. cuz my hair's part of me. and i ain't no sucking bitch. so cut my some slack. we'll see who can still have bangs at 60.
it's kinda horrible that i can't wash my hair for 2 whole days. i've got a helluvan oily scalp and i'll itch to death and have a white christmas later with my dandruff flakes.
christmas is coming the goose is getting fat...
it's hinting for some foie gras!
i think the chemicals burnt my scalp. it's itching now already lo and behold. AH! it's ok it's ok. i shall be fine.
have you watched wishing stairs aka the show that freaked me out so much i left my handphone at plaza singapura's toilet?
i'm aspiring to look like the black haired ballerina.
apparently, even before christmas, i'm planning for halloween already.
norman has told me that he doesn't like some of my friends. only after i told him how much i know they treat me like a sucker de maximus.
things like that ache my heart and inflat my existence to a worthless penny. but well. well... WELL...
gotta deal gotta deal.
consequently, it threw me into a pitch black self-revelation. where i realised i'm a very defensive person. or rather. offensive is my defence.
for example, if you're gonna talk bad about me in front of me, i've learnt, over the years, to say "excuse me, i don't need that." or "don't continue. i'm not interested."
i used to be all accepting but i realised that it doesn't matter how people look at me as long as i'm happy. and knowing how people see me makes me unhappy. so i'd rather not know since it doesn't matter and it makes me unhappy. as cyclical as it sounds, it sure spins the world my way, enough to make me confident and secure of being who i am and simply, willing to live another day to fulfill myself.
friends can be hurting in the most ruthless of ways. when they think they're more superior than you, they go rampant with their sarcastic criticism that roasts you charred in hellfire.
i don't appreciate friends like that. and after some time, i've realised i don't need them. well. or rather. i don't need them until i need something from them.
call me a bitch or a realistic hypocrite. this is my theory. but i'm much milder and soft hearted in practice. till this day, i still get walked over all the time. i wish that one day i could be a truly cold and discerning woman. but until i can afford gucci bags and snob people, i guess i'll just stay friendly.
i was once an idealist. but i think i'm getting more and more realist as i grow up. i used to believe in the spirit of christmas carols. now i think about how much it costs to decorate the whole of tangs one christmas.
i still love carols. i still love christmas. but being too caught up in your own blown-glass world is gonna make you a chipped piece of china in a collection of silverware. you're gonna get thrown away anytime.
i sound so worned out by society. ok let's get a bit airheaded henceforth.
omg omg omg it's gonna be christmas! i was gonna make a tiramisu but i'm sorta getting a bit lazy. muahaha. i'll try i'll try. and make it for christmas! hohoho!
i have yet to get norman's present. prrrf.
my ragnarok's screwed up after my upgrade to maxonline 3000. darned. the person said it might be some signal-transimitting problems and it'll be fine in a couple of days. a couple of days have passed but i still get stuck when i move around in the game and get brutally disconnected halfway.
I BLOOODY HATE THIS. SCV. GIVE ME BACK MY RAGNAROK!
Tuesday, December 21, 2004, 09:04 p.m.
winter solstice.
to call it a hectic morning is an understatement. hecticness doesn't make you feel like dying.
if dying means you can sleep forever. urgh.
as a taoist, believing in making material offerings to our Gods, Deities and Ancestors, my family had a little "ritual" this morning. involving lotsa cooking. (the sa seh being chicken, meat and fish in hokkien had to be present. with vegetables and of course, hock kuay. a flour and brown sugar recipe for a religious cake-offering of sorts.) i cut up all the vegetables needed for the morning. onions. chopped garlic. red bell pepper. cauliflower. broccoli. lotus root. i think we made about 70 glutinous rice balls.
somehow i feel tremendously glad that i'm still practising all this at home. it feels extremely heartening to realise i'm doing something my ancestors who died long ago did. i'm ridiculously into this "preserving our chinese tradition". as a immorally sinful person, it is ironic how i'd like these beliefs to be carried on. of course there are unacceptable practices to me. but they are most of the time more of codes of conduct than rituals and celebrations. how a girl had to be virgin and bleed on her night of marriage. how women have to stand and wait on their elders and husbands during dinner time. these things aren't relevant in our present context anymore. and we definitely see the reasons why they have been abolished.
i love making glutinous rice balls. making rice dumplings. and things to celebrate our chinese festivities. new year excites me the most. on the eve of new year, i'd be cutting paper patterns and arranging the fresh flowers to welcome the new year. i don't understand why people can't be bothered with these things. it's. well. fun. if it doesn't make you feel you belong to a family. and a race.
i'm going to lynn's birthday buffet party. weee. this entry was written before i mopped the floor, while i was mopping, after. and after my bath. muahaha. well. it's three thirty already!
Sunday, December 19, 2004, 02:41 p.m.
caught up in the cyberness of things.
when i went over to the starhub shop at tampines mall that day, the sales assistant told me that i'd have to upgrade my maxonline price plan (in order to get my free computer) online.
i suddenly forgot what price plan we were under, which was required in one of the fields on the online application form. so i had to call starhub.
irritatingly starhub apparently's understaffed in the customer service department. i called many times. waited for minutes. before i finally got through a couple of minutes ago.
the girl asked me why don't i just do the upgrade over the phone.
i was dumbfounded. it suddenly struck me how narrow my mind was. how i have been so caught up with doing everything to online way i forgot the good ol' phone customer service. it was quick. they needed the ic. number of the subscriber and that's it! i'm going to be on maxonline 3000 in half an hour's time!
when you do the upgrade online, you'd have to find your nfc number behind your modem, your customer number and your ic. number. over the phone, i just needed 1 of the three pieces of information. and i was able to clarify all the doubts i had about the service and how i'm going to redeem my compaq presario. it's so much more. how should i say. personalised a service.
i don't think we should rely so much on online services. cuz after all. different people interpret different things differently. when it's a man-to-man interaction, you're able to clarify doubts you have. and if you don't understand anything, the other party's able to quickly and efficiently put the information in another way.
i have never liked the whole. apply online. do this do that online thing. it wets the excitement of anticipation. when the world is dissing at the flaws of bureaucracy face-on, it is indulging in a made-up version of itself on the internet which is to me, far more bureaucratic in nature than Max Weber himself.
Saturday, December 18, 2004, 07:55 p.m.
SIM-UOL bash at chinablack
everything was fine. except the fact that i forgot my ticket and had to get another one. but my lecture mate got a ticket for me at member price so it was 2 bucks cheaper. nonetheless, it was a hard slap on my own face. it wasn't my day last night.
so everything was okay... at the party. the pageant became kinda weary and i was bored and kept on yawning. then we had our housepours when jialin couldn't finish her drink. so i kinda took 2 gintonics. when i was feeling mildly happy, we had to leave already. and even though we left early in hope of getting onto the last bus from ang mo kio, we didn't. and ended up taking a cab home. somehow i wonder how the yellow top cabs calculate their midnight charges. i thought they always started off with a 2.40 covercharge. but last night, there wasn't any. i was staring at the meter in disbelief and the whole trip, PLUS midnight surcharge was only $7.50! one of the cheapest night rides i've taken.
anyways. i'm prolly gonna get subscribed to some maxonline promotion package that could get me a new com! a 40gb com! i know i know it's only the size of your ipods. but hey. i'm working on a 14gb hard drive now. 14gig is the new constipation.
my ragnarok games lag like nobody's business. my computer gets screwed up when i on too many programs. i need greater capacity and more speed. does that mean i'd have to install windows again. omg the last time i reformatted my computer, i swore not to do that again. computer problems make me cry.
and if i get the computer, regardless is it some spiffy savvy computer, i'm gonna get it anyways, i will be able to surf more freely and less anally!
AND... the computer comes with jbl speakers. so with my altec lansing babies, i'm gonna have a rave of a time!!!
i'm just bloody excited. hell do i have to wait till the 20th?
i bought three pairs of earrings for 10bucks last night. got lynn's present (norman's brother lionel's girlfriend) and i thought i had gotten her what she'd like. cuz. yeah. i wonder if she'll read this by some chance so i'm not gonna say what i'm getting her for now. heeeeeeeee.
i have yet to get norman's christmas present.
i bought a black gem stone ring that day at rivervale plaza (my friends are always fascinated by the amount of cool stuff sold there.) and my mom bought me a black stone pendant that day. the stone's framed by fakey diamonds and is a nice classic oval shape. i feel so darned taitai.
by the way, our sim bash was so crowded. rocked more than nus bashes. maybe it's cuz they have too many of them. and sim only has one a year, well, officially. it's godly that i've switched my stats class to one earlier this week. so today i'm freeeeeee. weeeee. don't you just love being alone at home?
Friday, December 17, 2004, 11:56 a.m.
going bust.
on a certain saturday evening:
"my boobs are lopsided."
"is it? i've never realised. are you sure?"
"of course i am! i know why you've never realised. prolly cuz i'm always lying down."
hurhurhur.
grace asked me on one rave night after lotsa champagne and sucker vodka shots.
"have you thought of going for breast implants? i have."
"yes! no money."
that conversation was followed by an extremely immodest groping of our own boobs before the hotel mirror trying to force a cleavage.
after settling down for some self consolation.
"at least we have asses."
"yeah! i'm very pear-shaped."
"me too."
"me too." from a familiar voice coming from just outside the toilet.
*** would i want a boob job?
yes. definitely. i want to equal my boobs and up them to a high B low c peaks. i just need more proportion and equality. i'm not asking for LoLo Ferrari's globes that resemble the car safety cushion thingie that balloons when you hit a coconut tree.
i'd want a lipo also. but i won't wanna put my own fats into my boobs. cuz i heard it's dangerous. i'd rather have saline. i'm serious. at least i know i can take it out perfectly if some infection happens. imagining lipo-ing your boobs. it's darned depressing!
on a shopping date with a girlfriend.
"there's an advantage to growing fat. my boobs have gotten bigger. i think i can wear a C-cup already."
"yeah! i agree. i can actually wear a bra now."
not that i am inferiority complexed or some shit but having wonderful boobs just makes a woman complete doesn't it?
i only have fair-skin and a corrupted mind as assets now.
while waiting for a bus. and on other forgotten occasions.
"wa you very fair hor. how you become so fair."
"don't expose yourself to the sun. and wear sunblock like it's a brassiere. you can't forget it everytime you step outta your house.
"you're very fair. girls fair already win already."
-silently- "thanks for saying i'm short fat and ugly."
"your daughter so fair! she's becoming prettier."
"why don't young attractive men ever say that? thanks anyway, the 1758246716754th auntie to say that."
i like being fair. i always think i could get fairer. when my neck, face and shoulders are of the same shade, (ie. as fair as possible) i'll be a truly happy fair-skinned lady. i know i look like a gigantic slice of refined white bread but it beats being that coffee coloured slice of chocolate bread without the chocolate taste.
have you ever been to or watched on tv those developing rooms that photographers get killed in while their developing pictures in the red light?
my room looks like that.
i'm as photosensitive as silver bromide!
Tuesday, December 14, 2004, 04:32 p.m.
return of the digicam
i don't know what to say. but. i helluva love my pictures! i put on a lifetime's worth of black eyeshadow and it disappeared under the flash. but well. i think i'm starting to look more amiable these days!
tahdah! dumdee. i'll think of something more sensible to blog about. ragnarok is not giving me anything intellectual so. just you wait.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004, 02:40 p.m.
your MIAness.
i'm back. sorta. cuz i never felt i had gone away. well. after the eighth, i made a barney card, wrapped a barney box, went wheelock to get a crumpler pouch, made a tiramisu, ate at sizzler, ate tiramisu, had big breakfast, watched incredibles and have recovered almost fully from that irritating simple flu that gave my non-existent immune system a head-on blow.
calling my immune system an immune system is as ironic as the term infant mortality rates.
well. so. i watched incredibles today. IT WAS GREAT! yeah yeah. i cried again. the same old song in a different tune. jackjack is so darned cute!
there's obviously gonna be a The Incredibles II
anywayanyway. my tiramisu was okay besides some flaws. i'm going to make a perfect one for christmas.
and over the weekend i actually thought about how much i want a thematic blog. something completely alteregoistic. and i want a proper layout for it. not some template shit that shows so much creativity.
AND. i bought clothes again. yep. did my nails. and made up my mind to reeeeeeeeebond my hair again before chinese new year next february. why? voluminous hair is not always a blessing. not when it's voluminously frizzy. and i have jet black hair now. i need neater hair.
and since i'm gonna be fully subsidized for it, there's nothing to lose.
and i shall be back as your uber-lian with a jolin tsai vengeance.
ragnarok has been fun. yep. it takes up alot of my online time. but well...
i took pictures of the card i made for norman. it's darned cute by my standards. it's barney. enough said.
i'm going to my school's bash this thursday. a little lethargic and displeased with the lack of night rider services for that night. which means that i have to leave the party at 11.00. huh...
but judging from the school bashes i have been too. eleven is just about time to leave. if you get there after ten thirty that is.
i'm just going to take a look i guess. nothing to slutty. nothing too nice. i'm gonna look schooly for that night. hell i don't want a lecture mate to give me a weird smile in class cuz i flashed my knickers at him or something. it is not glamorous.
and i actually went to queue for a free cup of starbucks coffee on wednesday. omg. i thought it's take hours but it was fast. i had vanilla frap for the first time cuz i always thought it was an awfully low cost drink and judging from the soreness of my throat and the free-ness of the drink, i decided to give it a go. now i'm contemplating making it my staple ooo yeah.
it's 12 days from christmas. lemme check my list.
1) prasad x
2) my brother x
3) norman***
4) florence x
my list is kinda clear already. i just need to get something for norman. but i'm extremely broke. i'm using my reserves. argh. and i actually have a guilty conscience when i spend my mom's money. blimey!
what the hell am i going to do?
Monday, December 13, 2004, 10:35 p.m.
ragnarok.
i know i should start concentrating on my studies. but since my boy's so enchanted by ragnarok, how could i miss out the fun?
and henceforth, i shall start my quest on ragnarok as Janathema*!
this is the first place i get spawned to at the start of the game. ain't my character cute? to think i spent 1/2 an hour deciding on her hair colour. well.
so here here. i shall start ro-ing!
Wednesday, December 8, 2004, 03:06 p.m.
on sanitary pads.
isn't the new 35cm long sofy sanitary pads exciting? they're almost like diapers! and for some reason the concoction of barley water, red wine, water melon juice and chinese tea yesterday was giving me a new menstrual reason to visit the toilet instead of my old bladder dysfunction preoccupation.
well. i got 2 whole packs of the pad just now and they sorta took up so much space i couldn't stuff them into my bag. so i had to bring it along. they were so bulky that norman said "wa! you need so many pads for what? it's as if you cut your arm!"
i replied. "uh. something like that."
well. we went to watch shutter too. it's kinda freaky cuz. I'M BLOODY HAVING NECKACHES THESE DAYS. watch the show and you'd understand why i'm such paranoid. and did i tell you guys i dreamt of a guy standing at my balcony staring in while i shout to death at my mom to see it but she refuses to? well. IT'S SO FUCKING IRRITATING that my modem and router's all there. so when i have to reconnect after my brother uses it, i have to come this close to that exact position the guy stood in my dream. and it's the corner-of-the-eye sorta angle. argh.
besides that, well. i told norman that i'm gonna make him a tiramisu cake already. cuz his parents ordered a tiramisu cake from this place called tiramisutra (talk about corny names.) and he's going to go back home on sunday morning to cut the cake. i'm like. okay the cake arrives in the morning alright. why can't you cut it in the afternoon and at night? you just bought a freaking big spacious sharp fridge! wassup with that?
it seems that the longer i've been with norman, the more his mom is trying to take him away from me. i don't like that. really.
imagine if one day i get married to norman and i've gotta stay with them? no way man. i've made my stand clear.
speaking of which, i have no problems staying with my in-laws if i happen to get married one fine day when i can give up my modest circle of male friends. if i can click with their parents, why not? i'm not in-lawphobic like alot of women nowadays. i think it's perfectly fine. if they're not too possessive or whiney. if they're like my parents, i'd stay with them really. my mom understand how much space a couple need. just like they need space themselves. but many in-laws don't understand that. and i believe norman's parents won't. i mean. at the rate we're going.
i'm shocked to see mediaworks artistes sacked. it's appalling. and i think apple hong's one of them. poor thing. i mean. she's... so young and she had such a future and now it's all gone. well. i think it's kinda like a slap backon your face situation. if they hadn't left mediacorp for channel u, all this wouldn't have happened. the people who left mediacorp prolly didn't realise how small the singapore market is. and mediacorp is more or less a tv-monopoly in singapore. it's like refusing electricity from singapore power. you get what i mean.
i haven't been very introspective these days. my life revolves around sanitary pads and flu medication.
i'm actually really annoyed that i told norman i'm going to make him a tiramisu. it's idiotic i know. i spent so much time doing research, going on forums to ask stupid questions and time searching for ladyfingers. it's dumb really. i blew it off. i feel almost demotivated to make the tiramisu already. there's no element of surprise anymore. what should i make for him? i freaking feel like crying.
i'm always trying to be the perfect girlfriend. no. i'm obesessed with it.
Tuesday, December 7, 2004, 10:13 p.m.
either the mind or body.
i'm starting to get freaked out by how my physique's so linked to my emotions.
last night i was kinda down. crying and stuff. i slept with an okay throat. but woke up with a horrible one.
******* back from dinner. the grimace to the spicy carrot cake.
well. i was kinda okay. took some panadol. (i'm the hardcore 2tabs panadol EXTRA kind. i've got more panadol in my system than vitamin C bloody hell.) got to school. it's bad when you're sick. get stuck in an air-coned room with graphs and numbers you try so hard to figure out that once you do, you forget what you're figuring out in the first place or forget how you figured it out once you read the "please turn over".
it always accelerates my illnesses. cramps during class are worse. not that i ever get them MAJOR but the thought of it stinks. i've been trying to increase my water intake but it's making me pee so much, i'm thinking of getting diapers.
which proves a point. my body can't retain water. i mean. only my eye area does. my eye bags are like IN YOUR FACE . prrrf.
so i got back. and i was really grouchy to anyone. not the normal civil people i see in class or anything. but my family members. i was darned rude to my mom this morning. and i continued barking my way thru the house at my brother. i apologised later.
so my throat's cracking up once in a while. my nose is more stuffed than the taxidermic bull's head at your grandfather's house. ahhhh. but well. it actually motivated me to open up a new box of facial tissues.
i feel like shit now.
*** "no honey, not tonight. i have a headache."***
i don't understand why women actually do that. i mean. there's no reason to lie and avoid having sex. there's no reason to not have sex even they're really having a headache either.
don't tell me i don't understand. i'm a more-sick-than-you-can-imagine-if-not-more-likely-to-sneeze-my-lungs-out-than-miss-my-period female here. don't tell me i don't understand.
i've never rejected any sexual initiatives made by my boyfriend. in fact. i get really elated!
why would you not want to have sex? unless you're having diarrhea or something. that. is totally excusable.
or you have a yeast infection. ok. enough said.
well. i don't know what i can do or say to make female embrace sex more. i don't understand why they detest it. maybe they don't know what they want. and thus the boyfriend doesn't know what to do to her and does only what he wants. i guess. every girl should acquaint their own sexuality and communicate with their spouses about it. it's only logical if you want better sex. you can't ace exams without consultation classes either.
cuz sex isn't a one man show. and anything that needs coordination needs chemistry, communication and practice.
so when you learn to enjoy sex, you and your boyfriend can spend more time at home and save money! yeay! but i understand they are dumb guys who are totally into the idea of raping you everytime they see you. not that i'd complain. but they think it's a rape flick where it's all about submission and mindless thrusting. i'd rather watch micheal jackson.
nonetheless. singaporean girls should learn to take sex not as a taboo or pain or your submission to guys. but something that you can create. it's like your own masterpiece. every part of it needs meticulous fine-tuning if you're gonna be with this guy for long.
at least you won't have to have 4 periods a month thenafter.
Saturday, December 4, 2004, 09:12 p.m.
how should i say. that i'm more depressed than you think i am? to leave me alone. and yet be there.
the breath in me is stale. and your songs sing pepper into my eyes.
Friday, December 3, 2004, 11:08 p.m.
listening to sexed up.
robbie williams looked delicious in the music video. he's got so much of style. so much of bad boy attitude. and so so many tattoos.
and listening to this song is kinda sad. imagine your boyfriend singing this to you.
imagine if your loved one told you he/she doesn't wanna fuck you anymore.
had so much to say and ended up just telling you to go.
grrrr.
i finally found these ladyfingers i'm looking for. no. not the sambal balachan kind. it's the european egg something something kinda biscuit. wooo.
and my trip to carrefour today was ex-citing! i bought two red-beaded chains that look too good to be true. i mean. well. by my standards. i realised i have loads of red coloured jewellery.
went out with peiling actually. omigod she was on a SPREE. i couldn't really find anything to become a carnal sinner.
i've gotta get a present for this female friend of norman's. gonna go especially to go get them tomorrow in town. i don't even bloody do it for my friends. imagine buying a birthday present for your boyfriend's FEMALE FRIEND!
well. i've an odd relationship. but that's how i run it.
norman told me to get slippers. was thinking of how i can get a discount if jiajia got it from her workplace. but her lady boss left already. so she couldn't get anything or else she might be accused of stealing.
and norman got kinda fussed up. i just don't wanna spoil his mood. he's meeting him prolly on sunday to meet her. eating into our meeting time. i can't help but feel moderated. last week he had to accompany his mom get groceries. and. it doesn't feel good getting some other girl a present.
not when i don't think i love her.
Friday, December 3, 2004, 10:49 p.m.
jack of all trades master of none.
i used to think i was an elitist. because my surroundings made me feel this way. from primary school, my close-r classmates of prolly 15 were the top 15 of the class. not to mention i was first once during primary in class. *giggles* well. one of those things.
everyone told me i'd grow up to be a smart intellectual with brainpower that can zap you back to 1945.
when psle flunked me with a 251 and merit for higher chinese, i thought that was the end of me.
i actually ran home crying cuz i thought if i couldn't get into st nic's, i'd be going nowhere at all. i had to settle for another pinafore wearing school with a more lian-ish demeanour. i'm not complaining that the time there sucked. because i believe that if i hadn't been so into the whole ah lian thing, i wouldn't have been as equally disgusted by myself years after and resolved in being everyone's favourite horny poet girl.
i can't say i'm ace in poetry cuz there are so many more eloquent and talented people out there, even in singapore. who's brain is a dictionary, thesaurus and french translator all bundled into one.
i can't say i'm good in anything else either. literature was my only A. my baking endeavours are always shrouded by a 50% chance of failing. i can't cook fancy cuisines that i don't know how to pronounce. my eyebrows sometimes look weird cuz of plucking accidents.
before i make you think i'm a pathetic loser, i actually am proud of some of my fortes.
1 - manicures. i better than most girls at it. HAH!
2 - phonesex. i get turned on listening to myself self, bloody!
3 - makeup. i'm better than. uh. i can make myself look like another person.
4 - sleaze dancing. i actually turned a gay guy bisexual in a gay club! he was a loser. so this point might be kinda debatable. anyways.
5 - blowjobs. i learnt it from men. i can't be wrong.
out of the five i can readily churn out, 3 are sexual. 2 are cosmetic. is there anything else in my life besides sex and vanity?
why do some people ace in things they don't enjoy as well. i'm such a fussy bitch.
and i realise i know alot of things. i know loads of handicraft. friendship bands, roses (of all sizes and various materials.), sunflowers, lanterns, bracelets, earrings, cards, cross stitch, origami and many little little things. i can draw. sketch. paint pretty okayly. i can do portraits, draw dress sketches. i can cook porridge, soup, rich, chinese style stir fried dishes, pasta, muffins, brownies, potato quiche-like things, salads. i have written poetry, prose, drama. sang in a choir. blah.
but i'm not spectacular in anything.
and while they say over-specialisation is your route to hell these days in this competitive global economy, i wish i could have something to be proud of. something i can do exceptionally well, better than others. to feel the kick of being on top. but well. i guess i'll be the last few to die during a crisis then. right?
my rashes on my chest are still there. the get itchy sometimes. and my face almost flared up. i think it is. but i'll leave it alone as the pharmacist said.
by the way, my camera's back. once i clear the memory card, you know what i'll be up to.
JUST YOU WAIT!
Thursday, December 2, 2004, 09:10 p.m.
running in just before class.
well. i wanted to blog about singapore idol last night. because i felt that. if this blog was truly singaporean, i can't NOT cover singapore idol. which started off as a joke and turned out okay really.
i've got this gut feeling this topic is gonna get proliferated across the singaporean cyberspace. so i won't talk about who deserves to win and whatever. although i sent four or five votes for sly. i'm not sure. cuz the server lag was so annoying i just kept sending them till it got thru.
but he didn't win anyways. i'm not going to be racist here so there isn't really anything sensational to talk about here. but i'd have to say that sylvester's the first. singer that i'm so excited about. really. throughout my whole. how many many many years of my life, i've only loved spice girls. but ya know. it was kinda a. wannabe kinda thing. that i wanted to be like that. sly was different. i thought he's darned entertaining.
well. i guess at this point of time it isn't important who gets to cut an album first. i'm using all my heart to hope that sly will pull a clay aiken. i wouldn't mind if he had recorded a chinese album. i'm going to get it. and break my 5 year cd-celibacy. i haven't bought anything these few years. i AM willing to give up downloading for this singer. well. i'm not downloading anymore so i'm actually kinda primitive listening to the radio.
don't worry sly. you're too lucrative for record companies to ignore you really.
by the way. i went to watch polar express. by now, you'd know that i cry almost to anything. yeah yeah. that's right. i cried to polar express when the boy got the bell on the sleigh from santa. ok ok. i know what you're thinking. i cried when the kids got lost too. I CRIED TO A BLOODY CHRISTMAS SHOW.
i really didn't want to. cuz norman's gonna say i'm so silly and "what are you crying about???" in all bewilderness. but. but. but. "i want cannot meh?"
let's talk about animations. the shows i've cried to.
shrek 1
shrek 2
finding nemo
land before time
polar express
...
if i haven't cried to any, it's because i haven't watched em.
and i realised there ARE girls around in singapore who are gutsy enough to pose nude. it's a mildly exciting revelation made all in this month of november. and their expressions are always mediocre. i'm not sure whether it's the models' fault but instinctively, it should have been the photogs. cuz he/she's responsible for everything. if the model looks tense, you'd have to coax her. ya know. that kinda thing. and i happened to find norman's friend naked. haha. given him the url. damn. i'm always letting him see naked women.
Thursday, December 2, 2004, 06:52 a.m.
butt scratching.
i once told norman that after we finish naming all our soft toys (i'm not particularly into teddies or whatever. i just like barney. and that's about it. i started just last year. i had a bad childhood. don't ask.) i'll name myself itchy itchy. directly translated from mandarin.
it's true. i get dermatitis on my face when i don't take care of it. i get rashes when i come into contact with grass, seawater, sand, dust alcohol.
the night at cu was okay for my face but when the barmaid poured some drink into my mouth when i was too high to figure out what it was, it trickled down my chin and covered my whole upper chest. *scratches upper chest.
then after all my champagne and vodka and cider beer and gin tonic, i was pretty much okay till sunday morning when my butt started itching. it stopped yesterday but it's back. my butt is fucking itching from my alcohol allergy. good god.
i shall stop talking about my ass and head a bit lower.
have you guys ever heard of minty pantyliners?
my mom got one cuz it said there was aloe vera on it and it'd actually be good and it's got some... anti-bacterial functions. i was kinda apprehensive at first but being the newbie-slut i am, i decided to give it a try, shoving my half-used packet of old pantyliners away for this excitable novelty.
then it started giving me this burning-minty sensation. it's not exactly the best feelings on earth when it is ON YOUR GENITALS. so i quickly changed it out. it doesn't help when you're been watching porn the whole day.
i'm appalled, amused and weirdly fascinated by the absurdness of this invention. who the hell puts mint on pantyliners? it's like having a minty condom. it's gonna feel real weird.
any kind of discomfort down south gives me a weird expression. like. you're trying to look okay. and it's a kind of feeling you don't frown too much to. or sulk about. it's near constipation. with a bit of a feeling that you're being violated down south.
well.
i'm into drinking guava juice now. i doubt it does nothing besides making me defacate more than usual. well. it's nice. it's sweet. and i just bought a can of campbell's alphabets. it's cool ain't it! i'm gonna re-learn my ABCs!
speaking of which, i'm starting to watch sesame street again.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004, 11:09 p.m.
less than a month for christmas
i wish all the time that i can never have a problem with myself.
to be the healthiest, chicest, most talented, slim and hairless girl in sengkang. i'm not asking much.
cuz every normal respiring female would have less hair than i do. i have to shave everyday if not everyotherday.
i wouldn't even mind losing my pubic growth. really. it's not an asset anyway.
most of the time i am insecure. i hate feeling embarrassed when i step off the bartop. or when i step into a room of crowded people. people tell me i'm fine. cuz the remaining friends i have filtered out from my life after so many years are a close-knit, encouraging bunch who'd never have a problem with that zit on your nose.
i always cry to films who's main character's all ugly and finally finds someone. people think i'm crying cuz i'm a dead romantic. no. they're just striking an inferior chord in me.
so many times i've told myself that. i can look alright. and i told myself i can look nice in pictures. but the more i do it, the more hermit i get as a real person. it's not a nice feeling. if even gisele has her insecurities, you can imagine how suicidal i feel.
or can get.
well. i wish i were fuss-free. i can look um. nice. but i have to makeup and do this do that. find the right clothes. shave my legs. do my nails. i don't want to be that tedious. i wanna look good from the side.
i'm not saying i wanna be pretty and i hate my face. i don't. i just wanna be slimmer and hairless. hairlessness is easy with money. slimming.
i have my vices. and they make me live. if i don't have food in my life, i'll be sadder than being fat. so. yeah.
let me fade into a pitch of black now.
welcome back.
since it's gonna be christmas, I SHALL DRAW UP MY AFFORDABLE CHRISTMAS GIFT LIST in case we're exchanging any.
1) red earth black eyeshadow. new collection. 16 bucks.
2) a purse/small handbag. black or white.
3) red lipstick.
4) a little black dress. not that little. i'm size 10/12/14. i know what you're thinking now. nono. my boobs are sized 10 only. it's for my hips and tummy and blah and. back to christmas.
5) dinner at st pierre. i told you i have my vices.
6) a kickass bottle of champagne.
7) lotsa dance partners at clubs.
8) a few more bitch mates.
9) salsa classes. so i can lose weight and... next.
10) for my folks to think a labret piercing is normal.
that should be it actually. uh. wellll. i love the mood. but there's some discontent within me that makes me feel acidic inside. and my back to feel chilly. and me to breathe longer out than in.
i need lotsa nice clothes that suit me and cover the right places.
i think of myself most economically. i think of how to market myself and differentiate myself from the other girls so that i can be as monopolistic competitive as possible. have an inelastic demand curve. be popular.
i've even prayed to my beloved deities about this kinda stuff. i'm hated everywhere by some weird lot of people.
grace actually thought i looked less friendly than i am at first sight. why do i need people to get to know me better to like me better.
what's wrong with the way i behave? or speak? or look?
so i think of how i can make myself feel different even if it's as hidden under my thick black hair as my industrial. or whatevers. i was thinking of doing a nice labret. a nice rhinestone stud that's small and graceful. just under my lip. but i don't think my parents are gonna like it. but i like to have something on myself i like to focus on. take care of it. and take my eyes away from my flaws.
i need a photo-taking shopping spree. i need to feel less jaded. i need to feel more unrealistic.
cuz the amount of reality i'm getting now is making me feel cranky. i need to feel. not. here?
Monday, November 29, 2004, 10:54 p.m.
saturday
yesterday was a rave of a night.
we blindfolded su who just got back from aussie, brought her to our hotel room and spent the rest of the night eating strawberries with chocolate syrup, her birthday cake, ham sandwiches, sushi, doritos with salsa. i ended up having the most champagne around. (and being generously provided by su, the following term) skulling vodka. bloating up my stomach with cider, enjoying my gin tonic and only feeling slightly woozy. i'm impressed by the amount of alcohol i need to get me high these days.
we went to cu. i think the crowd sucked. fridays are always more exciting there. AND i read from spg's blog that there was the bar top dancing finals.
i am starting to believe that i'm slowly getting a bad name for myself in cu. really. i thought i had inevitably shown my boycut knickers to the world.
which is bad when you're not the most attractive girl in the world who happens to not be the slimmest either. anyway anyhow. it was kinda fun. i always feel embarrassed the day after when i dance at cu. shit.
i was kinda crazy yesterday i guess. danced so much my hip and feet are hurting. can you believe it?
i'll only get back to cu when i lose weight.
Sunday, November 28, 2004, 08:23 p.m.
blondette.
i totally hate living without my digicam. it makes my blog a nonsensical splat of letters forming words forming phrases forming sentences forming paragraphs forming entries which, frankly, is boring me out as much as it might be killing my meagre blog readership.
i manicured my nails just now. white base with hot pink nailart stickers. i feel like jolin tsai or any other taiwanese teeny bopper. i did it cuz tomorrow's a big day and i've gotta prep myself up. and that i can tell people i did it myself when others spend tons of money on cheap enamel that stinks all the same only with someone painting their nails for them.
i don't even know how much it costs to do a manicure out there. i really can't be bothered. by the way. if any one of you want a manicure, ie. shaped nails and buff and nailpolish or not, lemme know. hungforbitchery@yahoo.com. that's where you'll get me.
anyway. men can ask for manicures too. i mean. get your nails filed and shaped. and stuff.
just drop me an email and we'll work out the details.
anyway. i feel like i'm doing the cai yi lin kan wo qi shi er bian thing. well. if you don't understand chinese, even better. cuz it's actually quite derogatory by my standards.
besides feeling terribly and more than horrifically "kawaii", i feel blonde!
it's nice to feel blonde. blonde. BLONDE! i actually feel like clubbing these days. i don't know. see people around and crash new clubs. i've quit the scene since school started. i have classes on thursday, friday and saturday mornings. that effectively kills all my ladies nights and friday partying. people usually play better music on fridays. saturday's just a commercialised mixed of shit. and i shall make it official. I HATE ELECTRONICA. i hate minnie mouse voices with monotonous beats and spaceship laser-beam sounds. they pulsate so much that sometimes i think vodka actually has an effect of making my genitals throb.
it's a weird feeling. like you're being pulled there southwards. omgomgomg.
and i don't like vodka. everyone who's clubbed with me know i'm a sucker for gin tonic. i know i know. it's very. old. but. hey it's good alright. a classic ladies drink that's available everywhere. you don't need to fumble with a new term or demand long dick at a gay pub and get slapped by a transvestite. never trample on holy terrain.
and prasad told me to bring a bathing suit. hell i don't have one. i am in the eternal aim of getting myself as covered as possible cuz 1. i can be fair as heaven. 2. i can be a covered fair as heaven piece of lard.
i don't have one. and i decided i'll just bring a sundress and wear a light denim bikini looking thing with padding (god save the queen!) that'd probably float like coconut husks when i get into waters. hell i don't like swimming. firstly, it dries your hair. secondly, i hate the sun and swimming at night is an inexhorable violation of superstitious rules in my family or in prolly other traditional chinese families as well cuz spirits supposedly drag your legs to the pit of the pool and make you drown. thirdly, but not most importantly, i never learnt frog style. i can't possible swim leisurely with freestyle. i'll drown halfway with an arm cramp or leg cramp or my notorious butt cramps. that will make my second reason come true.
you might think i'm a veryveryveryvery prudent, dusty old hag in thinking. but well. i believe in what i believe it. it's my frame of consciousness and i will do whatever i can to feel safe. it's not rational or logical definitely. but there's no reason to make yourself jittery all over just to be the science girl of the year. i don't believe in a rigid adherence to logic because. science is what makes us more like robots these days. the difference between us and artificial intelligence is that we have supernature in our perception of the world. if everyone's so rational and scientific, MAN IS THIS WORLD BORING. cuz culture and history is so bland without a touch of the supernatural. what is more exciting. a japanese soldier wearing a 1944 uniform standing outside your door or the invasion of singapore using bicycles.
well. i guess i don't have much to pack. i'll be wearing my favourite dress tomorrow and hopefully i get some nice, radient, slim-looking pictures. my digicam's not with me. i must find a way to keep retaking pictures. i need to think of my 101 reasons now. oh my eyes look red. oh the lighting's too weird. oh oh oh.
when i think of tomorrow, i think of "crazy in love". oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh...
actually. i'm kinda lethargic about it. i've got school tomorrow. i wanted to go to the temple with my momsy but i'm afraid it might be so much of a rush i'd forget to bring my underwear or things like that. argh.
well. norman's coming on sunday. yeay! omg i miss that boy.
so i'll be going to school for class tomorrow. make my way back. leave in the afternoon. be back sunday morning. clean up my room. and wait for him to come over in the afternoon.
ya know what. i've been thinking about that pair of earrings from forever21.
Friday, November 26, 2004, 10:22 p.m.
deleted my entry,
i am so freaking irritated!
i met florence today. i had a salad at nydc. shared a mudpie that's losing its standards before realising how young a crowd we were awkwardly stuck within. looking across at Big O, the patrons were more mature. more like our age. maturity has never hit us that hard before. we never realised we didn't appreciate the things sold at fareast anymore. and when we decided that tangs was gonna be just about the right place for us, it revamped into such a strange place that florence and i felt uncomfortable at.
it's so high end. taitai. and when we went to the lingerie section to discover scandulously sex-shop looking corsets and teddies hanging on classy hangers with extravagant pricetags, we knew it's no longer the tangs we knew. i actually commented that they've made this place a shopping haven for taitais and the lingerie section obviously is for taitais who want to spice up their lives. if not with their philandering hubbies, with their fairfaced toyboys.
we went to the island shop where i think i kinda damaged a bracelet while wowing at how nice and bohemian the stuff are, looked at daniel yan gowns and lament at how outdated they're becoming since the material and cuttings don't really change from season to season (thus the "safe gowns" for prom. you can't go wrong.). we saw really nice bustier, empire cut, frilly dresses and thought we could have done better for prom. i looked a mess during prom. i've subconsciously deleted the photos by leaving them in my computer before i reformatted my computer. hah! i love my gown tho. still. very very very much.
then we went forever21. since florence hasn't been going to town since ages ago, i thought it was the best place to check out. i mean. to see what all the rave is about. the clothes are all nice and girly. but i wouldn't get them. neither would florence. since you'd virtually never get to try them with the fitting room queue. god.
i was really attracted by this pair of indian-ethnic looking earrings. black with gold frames that kinda thing. then florence saw another one, the one which i happened to set my eyes on the previous time i was at forever21. it looked nice and bohemian. but decided to chicken out when i was just one customer away from the cashier. i felt that something was wrong. i didn't know what. but yeah.
i had a great time with florence. i talked to her about politics (a teeny bit), relationships, social issues, schools and weird people who haunt you from the past. it felt so good to converse in english again. i've been speaking so much mandarin in school i feel like the orange.
it was helluva hectic day. gosling from UOL was kinda funny really. talk about dynamic! she's got a head of grey hair!
Thursday, November 25, 2004, 11:07 p.m.
lindsay o lindsay.
does anyone know whether lindsay lohan's boobs are real or siliconed? i think they look gorgeous. i mean. that's the kinda boobs i like.
and talking about bosoms, i realised i really get the kick out of watching girls flash their titties on porn sites. i'm starting to think i'm lesbian. because i get more excited when i see boobs than ten-inchers. a well sculpted pair of globes beats the weiner that spits tadpoles.
i watch porn like a guy. do every girl do the same?
i like rape flicks. japanese ones are okay. it pretty much depends on my mood. i hate commercialised american porn. but the amateurist sites hit me like a thunderstorm.
actually, i just came here to profess my love for lindsay lohan's melons. love em!
Wednesday, November 24, 2004, 09:59 p.m.
new layout!
it's a picture i editted before i got my computer cleaned up. and i didn't backup any files. good god i'm narcissistic enough to upload it online to show my friends. it's kinda simple. i've only got frontpage now. but well. it's decent enough.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004, 01:45 p.m.
luo han guo
who would have thought i'd fall in love with something dark, bald and round with scaley insides. really. if it hadn't tasted so good.
i grew up and still belong to an incredibly traditional chinese family. my mom still gives me regular talks on birth control and how important it is to be married with great grace and pride, demanding at least 30 tables instead of the 10 the groom might most prolly to only be able to afford in a short notice wsith a meagre paycheck youngsters get nowadays.
my mom's open-minded about certain stuff. but deep down, she's more traditional than. i don't know. well. she's more traditional than she seems. she jokes alot. has a light but feisty spirit, and believe in sarcasm. am not submissive (more like the other way round in the household) because she's a fully developed leo with an ego is bold capital letters.
but well. we're a joss sticks burning family with a middle altar outside our cosy 5-room flat. i love the smell of incense. have i told you? and i love going to temples cuz i feel safe and loved by the very fact that the deities are keeping me alive.
i'm rather traditional too. no matter how many times i tell myself i'm a step away from being a whore, i'm not. because i'm monogamous. and being overly forthright about sex isn't exactly a sin. because i'm not loosening my morals when i talk about sex. and i hardly talk about sex anymore these days. i don't fancy talking about kegel exercises with prasad. or my liking for rigged condoms. or my favourite positions yada. there's a reason to do that when you're single and playing the sex card to win men with a heart and dick. but when you're attached to someone who loves the more innocent side of you, goodbye sex talk. it might be for long.
i'm not innocent. i'm just sometimes extremely puerile. to a state where my friends and norman alike need a breather to cope with me. i ponder about the things i should have 10 years ago. and come up with ridiculous explanations for why the carebears live on clouds.
it's amazing how a luo han guo drink affectionately brewed for me by my mom has triggered all this talk about myself and my values. it's truly impaling i mean appalling how much i know about myself when i think it's never enough.
i've been reading some new blogs. a link clicked on on a friend's friend's friend's friend's blogsite. it's really inspiring. set my creative juices going although some erotic ones call on liquids of other kinds. some popular blogs are deservedly popular. while others. well. too much of it makes you feel empty within. i enjoy reading all kinds of blogs. some i can dig into the archives as if i'm reading jane green. some i just look at pictures and yada. scheme thru altho i know my ol' wonderful brain registers nothing when i scan across a page.
and reading blogs make me feel my life's like a thorny, withering, cold, sleepy bed of roses. people blog from their laptops after transferring songs into their ipods and go out for supper later go out for supper in their nice cars if not sit at home and feed on a tub of haagen dazs and still look like gisele bundchen. life's always unfair. that's why i am fat but have so much nonsense to offer. i love my nonsense. really.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004, 10:27 p.m.
looking back...
i was actually a tad bit worried about my site. fearing that it might be hacked by some wanky yankee. well... it's still here. and while i worried and worried and was still too lazy to get online just by switching on my computer, i thought about something.
why do i always look back on what i've done or written or said?
i'm in a constantly regressive state and that's prolly why i always can't move on.
people tell me i'm whiney but i get over stuff easily. and let it past. cuz i'm too lazy to care about anything.
but in fact, i'm always brooding about the same issue internally. and it does me no good really. i hardly forget the stupid things i have done. and that's why after so many years of collecting my wrongdoings, i've been able to convince myself that i'm a failure in many ways.
i'm getting a little woozy. be back.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004, 03:52 p.m.
politics.
joanna the great with and itchy and scratchy (insert tune) face is going to write about politics.
not that i know alot about politics. i only learnt how to spell arafat when he was dying. cuz i always got confused with it. i couldn't decide to have 2 "r"s or 2 "f"s. that was before i realised it was spelt with both a single "r" and single "f". thank you very much.
but today, my wayward mind found its way into reverie during sociology class.
at this particular point, i have to urge everyone to sympathise in USA, the leader of the world.
USA, since i started to study about them (no not from 2000 but post war modern history) have always been faced with threats. i don't know about the nitty little wars and disputes they got themselves into, which they do, very often, but i sure am able to comment in the most laymen of terms and understanding, the threat of communism and now, terrorism that USA had and are facing.
let's look at communism. (i was studying about marx.) up to 1991 (debatable but still...), with the cooling and warming and cooling and warming of the cold war, to be determined by whoever won the elections, USA turned from a free, super-leader into a worrysome and often overly-suspicious, power hungry, atomic bomb-making country.
and when china turned red, and vietnam, and korea, USA almost died of a heart attack as she was eating the Big Mac or Wendy's. whichever existed then.
the congress and mr president were perpetually in closed-door talks to take this precautionary action, take this defensive, that offensive, to protect themselves. they'd never give up their american dream.
then USSR collapsed. communist anti-capitalist china become capitalist. and all went well. cuban cigars never tasted better. at least they could inhale without thinking it's going to contain some toxic fume injected by USSR when stalin dropped by to give castro a big brother hug.
the resolution of this cold war conflict was enabled largely by the culmination of systemic flaws inherent in the country and of course, by stalin's death. the other russians drank too much vodka.
so well. communism's off the list of "ten reasons to have a heart attack in USA". it was later replaced by the clinton-lewinsky scandal.
so after about a decade of relative okay-ness, (there were stuff. but nothing of a global global GLOBAL scale like these two things that implicated almost everyone into a zero-sum state.) a plane crash shook the congress from their stolen slumber.
hey hey! you globalised the cold war, globalised trade and technology. now you've globalised terrorism!
so in the mashed up and murky situation where everyone had their lives insured and macdonald's delivered to their doorsteps, fearing that planes will come crashing onto earth like superman (which happens to be american. muahahaha., bush invaded iraq.
media is evilll. evilll. marx was right. all i heard from tv was. war against terrorism in iraq. osama soon faded to become a mere design on cheap fakey t-shirts and saddam's face became the new IT thing to tattoo on your ass. maybe because they couldn't find osama. so they thought. saddam's a sadist. and he's got oil. and he's terrorised his people. so he's a terrorist right? anyhow anyhow. just to make him look good.
which cost him a huge deficit. which made him run a second term of presidency. just before the election when america had taken the placebo of the iraq war and thought that life's back to normal while other parts of the world wew being bombed into bits, osama strikes back. he hasn't aged. i wonder how he stays young. he's damn skinny. but his face looks pretty okay. does he get itchy face like me?
anyway. hey hey hey! he's back. and votes that might have gone to kerry went to bush because he's ought to clean up his mess AND capture osama. i mean. it's his duty. kerry's too nice to be landed in this shit.
so i guess. now USA has to think about how to fight terrorism. this is more complicated warfare than the cold war. cuz the cold war, as the name suggests, meant that nothing actual and particularly tangible happened. it was just a stagnation. and freezing of relations. i guess what you want to do. i guess what you want to do to what i want to do. nah nah nah. this was how they did it. but terrorism's different. it can be anywhere. and you never know which car or dustbin or shopping bag or baby pram or brassiere might blow your life into pulp. i can't stress enough for everyone to buy insurance.
so the poor thing USA, though strong economically with their currency to back them up for sure, has to fight this fight that. all their lifetime. it's like exams to me. really.
now let us look at something my warped mind figured out by itself.
using my supreme SATs skills (which happens ALSO to be american.) here it goes. terrorism -> unity. ideology. devotion. selflessness. communism -> refer to terrorism.
THERE! USA'S ACTUALLY FIGHTING FORCES OF THE SAME NATURE AFTER ALL!
well. i can't blame them for being paranoid. i mean. since kerry won by 2% it sure shows that democratic USA is not united. republicans are still against the gay lobby as they fail to understand the fact that not everyone's religious and believes in the same things in life. devotion. well. okay. that americans have. i mean. they're quite proud to be red, white and blonde. i mean blue. right. selflessness. they are freaking KAMIKAZE! and communists are willing to give up their penthouses and SUVs. enough said.
so. while protecting themselves from bombs etc. (from atomic to car bombs. more mobile huh.) they might be fighting for another crazy reason. that the others have what they do not. and that's why they have to win them. so that they can be as super as their super-sized extra value meals. and reign supreme in all aspects!
i might not make much sense. but hell. typing this was entertaining!
itchy and scratchy show. (insert tune.)
Thursday, November 18, 2004, 09:36 p.m.
shutterslut
"shutterslut" -- da bleeder 10:50 15/11/2004
Monday, November 15, 2004, 10:58 p.m.
camwhore.
i have realised the increase in people using this term i thought was circulating only within the realm of linda and i.
self-loving picture taking can't exactly be called camwhoring actually. unless they look slutty. like all my pictures always do. mu haha haha ha.
the reason is simple. because i ripped this name off a pay-per-view porn site while i was pornographying. it was years back i believe. camwhores are first known to bare tits, pussies, and mouths full of cum.
of course, being in a perpertual "i wanna be sexy to myself" phase, i couldn't let such a wonderful term be buried in a cheap pornsite. (i hate those credit card membership ones. can't someone just put up more free stuff?)
i think many people would definitely have come across these pornsites because the usage of this word to describe narcissistic self-picture taking has rapidly proliferated.
no matter what happens to the word. how popular it might prove to be in a hundred years,
i'm such a bloody camwhore.
3 days. and my digicam will be back from manchester.
Monday, November 15, 2004, 02:06 p.m.
new top! new skirt!
you know how they're pushing for the heartland thing nowadays. how they want people to embrace their neighbourhood. i think it's a plan to secretly increase our GDP as, being more convenient than shopping in town, having nice clothes sold in the neighbourhood enables grandson-babysitting aunties to get havoc spaghetti straps and youngsters like me who's always mistaken to be working to dig gold.
it really was a fun experience. i managed to pick out one skirt and a frilly top for a total of less than 60 bucks. well. i'm happy enough to find two garments out of prolly a hundred at a neighbourhood "boutique". it's cheap. and you can try like nobody's business. i always get clothes from heartland shops. NO WONDER people always ask me where i get my clothes. i don't have to worry about "hey i bought what you're wearing at fareast last saturday too!".
it's good to shop at metro for perllini bags as well as young peeps won't usually think of metro in their shopping itinerary. it's cool really. no one's holding the same bag as i am in school. *smirks.
it's all about cheap shopping in neighbourhoods. you know how fun it is to bring home lotsa clothes and still have money for hundreds of cups of kopi-si-siu-dai?
i'll take a picture of my new top once i collect it. it's still somemore... well. the shop was out of stock (don't worry about wearing something similar with your friends.) so they're going to send it over from another branch.
oh ya. talking about taking pictures, my camera is currently touring in holland. it's going to stop by manchester to watch MAN U play. thanks to my cousins.
dutch lady, dutch lady. MooOOoooooooooo.
Saturday, November 13, 2004, 04:33 p.m.
deepavali.
as a chinese, deepavali's interesting. but not enough a day for me to swallow chocolates out of excitement. but today, i AM very very excited.
today my mom and i lived a semi-high life. polo ralph and stuff. but we didn't get loads of stuff. i only got two.
I GOT AN EPILATOR AND A NEW HAIRDRYER after my old one self-imploded.
i finally got an epilator. was removing some bits of hair on the back of my palm (i'm never evolved from an ape in the hair department.) and was eeeouching myself to ecstasy thinking how i'd be weeping by the time i finish my legs. they're freshly shaved so i can't try. but it's gonna be freaking painfully exciting!
norman's gone to kl. and i actually cried on the phone yesterday. we talk on the phone everyday. and it only seemed natural for me to cry. cuz kl's got more pickpockets and snatch thieves. and the coach might break down and stuff. ya know. i'm just paranoid. i don't want my boy to suffer.
and tomorrow's class. (thank you very much!) prasad's on leave so we're gonna go out and stuff. yeaaaaaah. i actually tied my hair up today. and i might tie my hair tomorrow as well. it felt kinda good. with all the hair kept nicely away from my face. i felt like a rich taitai!
i don't know but i can't come out with anything intellectual.
i'm so blonde these days! aw. awesome!
Thursday, November 11, 2004, 09:40 p.m.
a testimonial.
ya know sometimes when you write a testimonial on friendster for someone that hardly needs a word limit because it only says "you're a great friend! love ya! <3" or something like that. today, due to immense psychological pressure placed on me by my friend the bleeder, i wrote a testimonial for him. he probably knows i'm a decadent piece of procrastinating foie gras that's why he thought a few hours already made the testimonial overdue.
so i wrote him one. carefully and with great effort. i don't write anyhow testimonials for friends i think are worth it. i'd rather not write anything at all.
so here's it.
Andy's Godsent. as a jukebox. as an
illegal software provider. as a writer with
hoards of talent and experience he
never calls baggage.
and as a dad who understands his
daughter's passion for a purple song-
and-dancing t-rex. who else could i, as
an overaged fan, share my intimate
affection for barney with.
and who else could i talk about poetry
to. discuss Plath and Parker like they
never died.
and get high playing rhyming-games in
the middle of the night that make a
lyrical sense of dark humour.
Andy is probably the only grown up i
know who doesn't view my nonsense
condescendingly.
with so many of my male acquaintances
talking sex and exposing themselves to
me on their webcameras, thinking i'm a
nubile barely-legal, a thought i shudder
to, only making me hug my barneys
tightly in horror eventually, Andy's
Godsent.
really. he's a hell of a good person to
talk to. and a hell of a good friend.
i'm kinda proud of it.
Thursday, November 11, 2004, 01:28 a.m.
way too excited.
i'm way too excited to give a damn about what my brother would be muttering under his breath after i've plugged out his lan cable from the modem and reconnected it to the router.
i have officially finished a 373-paged novel in TWO DAYS. i started last night at eleven. stopped at twelve thirty. mugged the novel at norman's place yesterday like it was a sure-ace guide to business management. yes. I'VE FINISHED A BOOK IN VIRTUALLY A DAY! the last time i did it was for a book on riddles by the bookworm club during a time when samseng didn't look so intimidating as he does to me now.
i am proud of my ability to read a little faster than before. but i'm more proud to say that i'm ridiculously blessed with luck to have picked the book from the lousy collection at sengkang library. jane green has first-ed my list of favourite authors. replacing neil gaiman.
don't you love books with a brit setting? ah. it's all bridget jones and love actually really. but jemima j was (i still prance frantically in my own imagination at my wonderful completion) fantastic. lovely. I LOVE JANE GREEN. but she stays in new york. hmmm.
omg omg omg. how can you not love a nice brit lady in a novel about true love? it's fucking cliched but it didn't strike me nora roberts at any point in time i was on jemima j.
i love how jane green switched from first to third person like she was trusting a pornstar. it totally enticed me. i'm in love.
and reality check. when you feel you love your guy after reading about incredibly romantic blokes in novels. you're gonna have 11 kids with him.
and as i worship jane green and joanna-the-reader, i am particularly delighted to tell you that i'm inspired to write something yuppie-ish. or something. ish.
i'm starting to sound brit already!
Sunday, November 7, 2004, 01:51 a.m.
VOLUMIZEEE
i just bought a new tube of mascara. can you believe it? the whole metro's on 20% storewide sale. of course, i wouldn't have missed the chance to get my maybelline volume express i've been eyeing for more than a long time.
so i bought it and happily went home.
YA KNOW WHAT? I HAVE PROBLEMS CURLING MY LEFT EYELASHES!
argh.
have i told you guys i love clumpy lashes? they are soooooooo nice!
and i did a smokey eye-look at home. for what you'd ask. i'm crazy!
hmmm. i'm gonna have that look for... um. christmas?
i love my black hair!!!
oh yeah i went to the library today and got a very very bimbotic book about this girl. who's overweight and trying to lose weight for her cyber-date when he comes to town. how much more bimbo can i get???
and i borrowed skin/haircare books. and i read up about skin sensitivities. apparently, my skin's more of the reactive kinda sensitivity rather than born sensitive sensitive. and... dermatitis should not be aggravated by soap and toner. omg. now i know why!
but well. how am i going to finish my fancl products?
omg omg omg. this entry is so blonde! so fucking blonde!
Friday, November 5, 2004, 06:47 p.m.
CARE BEAR STARE!!!
Bedtime Bear You are usually asleep on the job but that's okay because your job is to make sure everyone gets enough sleep! You're shy and sweet...when you are actually awake! Getting sleepy already?
this is the bear i love. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MY SLEEPY BEAR! you know who you are.
and...
Cheer Bear You're the Care Bear cheerleader! Your spunky personality and optimisim lifts everyone's spirit. Though you want everyone to be happy, you stand your ground on issues you feel strongly about and this can bring disunity among your friends. Despite this, you are a true believer in working together.
and this is me! omg how true! i always loved cheer bear! omg omg omg. i am what i love! i love myself!
CARE BEAR STARE! *sticks tummy out*Tuesday, November 2, 2004, 06:49 p.m.
thinking back.
i'm in a regressive mood today. my face got better and i have no idea whether i should continue to use my beloved fancl products. i'm just too much of a wimp to go thru the whole itchy-and-scratchy ordeal again.
so thinking back, i thought my article yesterday was sorta waffled. like. hmm. i was waddling here and there and i didn't really make sense. it's what happens when you only have a title in mind and nothing else before you let your fingers stray while your eyes are riveted onto the 14" tv you have.
i hate bright rainy days. rainy days are supposed to be gloomy, melancholic. quiet. for some soft solliquy if not for some hardcore masochism. i prostrated to the raindrops when it rained so heavily just now the sky darkened. but now it's back to that gaudy splat of light i hate so much that sometimes i miss it when it gets too gloomy. standing in the kitchen looking out with my hands soaked in detergent. i thought how i feel like rain. it's existence is the necessity of everyone else but its own. and how it's so transient. they dry up as soon as the sun beckons. and while i am starting to live a life of cyclical misery and procrastination, i have resolved to start studying. ah. what a fine day to get academic with folks drilling upstairs and a much-hated bright rainy weather.
and i realise i have this weird fetish for one-liner conclusions. it's like this cliched thing i like to do. feels like cheap chocolate ice-cream now.
what does tomyam instant noodles, cocoa crunch cereals with milk, cheese, sugar-coated peanuts, marks and spencer candies, earl grey tea and a punnet of strawberries give you?
Tuesday, November 2, 2004, 04:44 p.m.
in or out?
i shall type this expectedly long entry with superspeed before my back acts up again having traced the origin of my long-drawn misery to sitting in a bad bad BAD position while onlining.
a question. do you have a gay friend? ex-brother/sister? the hence forgotten aunt jeannie who married uncle jennifer three years ago?
if you're starting to think. this straight bitch is being fucking derogatory to homosexuality, i guess this is the first time you've read my blog. and before i let you defame me utterly before my back hurts and many other things, i shall clearly state thus that this entry has no whatsoever intent to speak against homosexualty in our singaporean context. neither does it have the amibition of changing all mohamed sultan clubbers to become tanjong pagar-ers.
back to entry proper. do you have someone you know who's homosexual? if you do, how did the person come out totally to his/her most kindred and kin?
i've known people. friends. who were thrown out for coming out (that phrase somehow sounded quirky) to his/her parents. the fact is that. how does a homosexual strike the balance between "i am an individual and i have the right to be gay and so my folks have to know" and "i can't let my folks know cuz i want to continue being gay"?
before i commence further, i wish to salute to all gay men and women out there who have come out clean with everyone they know, ruined family ties and jeopardised friendship with that so many just to be proud and aloud, and be of clear conscience to him/herself. it is not an easy thing to do in singapore. really. it's harder a fact to accept than sleeping with your mom or dad heterosexually.
my friend got thrown out and was almost denied of further education because she brought her girlfriend home. she's enjoying varsity education now after denying her own sexuality because it reconciled her with her family.
okay. maybe i didn't phrase myself properly. but i suddenly think i can. is it always a gay person's ultimate hope and dream to be totally out to everyone around them? is homosexuality to them just an orientation or is it a more profound idea of identity? what does it mean to be gay and what does it take to be?
can a gay person stand being a closet homosexual for his/her whole life? is it enough to be recognised in his/her own close-knit gay community?
this wonders me abit. because whatever i am doing, i seem to associate it with being my own identity. if i were gay, i'd be terribly upset for not being able to be out with my parents. i've never hid any one of my relationships from my parents. and if it were to be a girl, i don't think that principle will change. i'd want to be recognised as who i am. not a great cunnilinguist hid under thick sheets.
would there be a day where the whole gay community would not have to be torn between being in and out? that being gay isn't as complex as it is, that it isn't about it being a sexual orientation or a sexual identity? would there be a day where homosexuality can as simple and perceived natural as heterosexuality?
when will they be out and proud? realistically, it's not up to them much. it's up to you.
Monday, November 1, 2004, 09:50 p.m.
face and back problems.
my face is like dunno what now. i went to see the doctor. i'm tired of all these dermatological problems that have been bugging me since june this year. i've been visiting the doctor more than i did when i was still in school and wanted to fake mcs. isn't it ironic? i'm actually going there now not that i want to but i have to when i've wasted tonnes of money last time on flu medication and mcs?
my back is screwing my life up. sitting thru lectures is a horrible experience. the lt chairs are stiff and i like to lean forward. i'm in pain!
can you believe it? my blog's 2 years old already. weee.
Saturday, October 30, 2004, 09:36 p.m.
COOOOOOOL!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BLOG! IT'S YOUR 2ND YEAR IN THE RUNNING!
i realised its birthday on the day itself. how uncanny. so 28th of October, which is effectively prasad's cat's ORION'S birthday shall be my blog's birthday as well! you go girls! meow.
Thursday, October 28, 2004, 10:45 p.m.
my face.
is horrible now. ahhhhhhhhhh.
anyway. i'm going for the budak pantai concert on the thirteenth of november at the esplanade. who's going? i got the d18 seat. come and say hi!
well. the local choral scene has very much lost it's vibe these few years. acapella groups are less pronounced these days. well of course there are still the veterans like eschoir and budak pantai and. omg i can't remember their name.
anyway. yeah. only they seem to be still there. there aren't many choir-originated acapella groups surfacing it seems. but it could be just simply because i've lost touch of the whole choral scene. all it takes is a good choir instructor to keep you hinged on to every single event. choirs are still very much constrained to being school-bound in nature. it's very. cca. not so much of a non-academia-affiliated choir like the amadeus or the philharmonic chamber choir of singapore. their standards are sky high. and an average singer like me who survived choir through hardwork rather than talent who now has so little discipline that her vocal chords have a range shrunk 4 notes front and back and has an airy-resonance not losing to rod stewart would not have the guts to get in for an audition. the lack of music background makes joining an independent choir almost impossible because of the difficulties involved if not the scarcity in supply.
wellwell. i'm just excited. dressing up nicely to watch a concert in the esplanade. that'd be my second time there. the first was FOC (syf choir finals. haha.) so... yeah.
by the way the esplanade really has awesome acoustics. really. it's almost every choir's dream. after a broken stairwell.
i'm getting kinda edgy today. restless as i am. i'm clocking at least 14 hours of sleep everyday i think. urgh.
and my back's killing me. i go to sleep everyday in fear that i'll be paralysed waist down when i wake up. or that i'd never be able to stand up straight.
you may not believe that i'm paranoid. but i'm telling you that i am.
my boogey days won't be long.
Thursday, October 28, 2004, 10:11 p.m.
be a plastic lash curler convert.
these synthetic stuff look fragile and useless. but ya know what. it's better than it's metal counterparts.
i never knew plastic lash curlers would work better until stella told me that my lashes are long and straight and introduced me to the world of plastic lash curlers.
i recommend those transparent plastic ones with a push-up handle rather than a crimp in one like normal metal ones. the push-up ones break less easily. i know. cuz my pull-in one snapped. it's plastic. i don't blame it.
the current one i'm using that i have total hots for was bought in CHAMELEON. this ahlian/minah glittery accessories shop that sells cheap naipolish and sharp-ended combs. it was 1.90. but well worth it. it curls my lashes like there's no tomorrow!
what i like is that since it's transparent, i get to see whether all my lashes are on the rubber before curling it. cuz if you don't curl lashes from it's roots, it'll make this ugly arch in the middle of your lashes.
if you have long, rebonded-looking lashes like i do, use a plastic lash curler.
it slips perfectly into your makeup pouch. oh come on!
Tuesday, October 26, 2004, 03:46 p.m.
makeup journal.
i'm going to do this beauty spread thing on my blogpage. what i use and what i like. heh.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004, 12:58 p.m.
10 Good Things About Black Hair
1) it instantly makes you look fairer.
2) no worries about regrowth.
3) it's effortless to look punk.
4) it's effortless to look geeky.
5) it's different. (trust me. practically everyone in sim has tinted hair. it's the. i'm in the varsity and i can dye my hair finally after all these years mentality i guess.)
6) you can not wash your hair for 3 days and it'll still look clean. (better still, glossier!)
7) your mom will give you more pocket money.
8) you get to wear practically any shade off the lipstick counter. red's the best.
9) nothing matches your eyebrows like black hair.
10) it's asian!
i love my new hair colour. it's very very black. it's darker than my natural hair colour actually. i love it with red lippie, nail polish and extra-thick-coated lashes! i love you black hair!
oh ya. i look like a ghost sometimes.
Monday, October 25, 2004, 06:53 p.m.
black's back.
i woke up at 5:15am just now to get my hair dyed deep-wig-black. yes. black is back.
but i was just wondering. do people actually do this kinda thing. wake up in the wee morning to dye your hair before going to school. or am i just weird.
anyway. i had my hair cut yesterday too. i'm going all out for a change.
would you wake up earlier to dye your hair?
Saturday, October 23, 2004, 07:06 a.m.
the things in life.
prasad once lamented (actually not only once.) that he's always running after things in his life. from buses to well. i can't remember the specific examples but i do remember he made a point.
and after some silent contemplation, ie. talking to myself in public, i realised i don't run for the things in life. i always miss them.
i miss chances. buses. sats dates. birthdays. and opportunities to smile and make a friend.
which makes my life seem awfully pathetic. i always have to take the next train. and no matter how hard i try buses close their doors at me. does that make me an unlucky person? like. life is not being with me and i'm this little ant fighting to live in a teacup.
is it that i'm always lucky enough to get the next train. that somehow i've gotten used to the idea of shying away from the crowd to be the first of the later. is it an innate instinct to want to delude myself into being the first in the pack.
it always feels good to be the first. ahead of everyone else. the person who gets to narcissistically check her makeup on the glass doors at mrt stations for a whole 4 minutes in the chaotic peak hour crowd.
and so my life is consequently about waiting. i'm endlessly waiting cuz i'm always missing the previous ride.
i waited for my boobs to grow bigger during puberty. not a perfect example cuz the next bus(t) never happened. i waited for someone to really value me.
but there's one thing i don't wait for. i love to cut people off during conversations. a bad habit i'm trying to curb but it's tough. prolly cuz it's an ability given to me to make up for all the hesitancy in my life.
and there was one other thing i didn't wait for. my enrolment into SIM. i shoved my ass in halfway like nobody's business cuz i felt i could wait no more. i can't miss no more. and that felt good. i effectively changed my situation of one that had me missing something to me running for something. catching up with the first part of the syllabus that was completed already. which ain't that bad really. running after something makes you feel like an ant at the brim of the teacup. you're on your way somewhere.
i won't go cliche here thesizing how life is an endless wait or and endless chase or the likes of them. for life is so many things. you can't summarise a person's life. wait. actually you can. once he/she starts working that is.
i cringe of the idea of working at a job till i retire. spend my money on my kid's education. then his/her first house's downpayment. then his/her child's baby-car-seat. then the icky macdonald's happy meal toys my grandchild would want cuz he/she gets to chuck it under his/her bed at night to ward of the boogey man.
i love change. but maturity seems to suggest stability. your life is supposed to settle itself into a lifeless lake when you reach a certain age. can't we always be moving around the place. changing partners. meeting new people? why can't we leave ourselves to uncertainty and be not the person who waits, not the person who misses things, not the person who's running after dreams but a person who just. lives?
why try to write out your own life when it's a completed script of tragic theatre. why write it when it's written.
maybe because it's written that way.
Friday, October 22, 2004, 10:20 p.m.
burning the stars and moon.
i know. this entry sounds terribly overdue and makes you believe i effectively live in a world of my own with a 4 week time lag. but well. my computer was dead and i'd finally found my brains back to make sentences.
i was appalled when i saw taiwanese o-chi-ba-sans burning our singaporean flag.
i have nothing against free speech and action. but there's always called something called respect.
just because our guy made a speech in the UN that went against taiwanese independence efforts, we got our flags burnt. i thought this act that goes centuries deep into history only exists in states of contention where rationality is no longer valid or viable.
to think about it. they called us a tiny red dot. yes AGAIN. can't they get OVER it cuz this tiny red dot has an effectively bilingual majority in population. and we are english-literate when the best they have are peeps who go over to the states for years, erase their roots and come back as pop stars.
i am seldom all excited about singapore politics. and am hardly patriotic. but there IS a sense of pride ingrained in my conscience. i am living in a safe environment owning a room that has almost everything i could have. it's not like. I'LL DIE FOR MY COUNTRY. but in my identity and consciousness as a human being, my nationality is a part of me. and i have my right to feel protective over my own country when someone does something that is way overboard. criticise us on your wayward tv shows in hokkien all you want. throw in some genitals to show how civilised you are. but you DON'T BURN FLAGS for small matters. people used to do that to wage wars ya know.
and to think about it. since we're a tiny red dot. would we suck up to a goreng pisang-looking island or the big RED biz powerhouse of the century? (we're both red!!!) who's in the BIG FIVE in the UN security council? who IS in the UN anyway. since the republic of china was booted out when the people's republic of china came in after everyone came to terms with the redness in them.
naturally, as a tiny red dot we'd be inevitably subservient to one of the major powers in the world more than a good friend. it's like. saying yes to your boss in the expense of your colleague. it's almost hierachical.
i'm not saying i dislike all things taiwanese. i think their programmes rock though their dress sense don't. i like watching their variety programmes for their colourful, jam-packed content.
if they believe in free speech and action, since they've so openly displayed their thoughts towards singapore, they should cut us some slack and give us the right of free speech too. we are entitled to our own views right. disagreeing with one out of the million things we agree on don't make friends enemies. we have no stake in the country and chinese politics. so why are they so worked up?
they think they're good friends with the USA and they'd back them up. but would USA jeaopardise their relationship with a thousand million populated economy? time for a reality check.
but well at the end of the day, i'm too ill-read and worldly informed to pass a fair judgement on these issues. but it's just a rant from my own superficial understanding. as much as i hate to disclaim my literature, i feel there is a need to. i'm into the educating the young thing nowadays ya know.
by the way, i was kinda disappointed by the fact that i could only read half of the words on their big plank cards cuz they were in creeky old version of chinese characters. i mean. can't they have a multi-lingual translation for international media or at least an english translation? and please provide simplified chinese characters. cuz we study the chinese beijing does.
and actually the moral of the story here i wanna convey is not to burn flags. burn our CURRENCY instead. they've got our emblem, national flower and the faces of our beloved political leaders. OH! and HIS signature too!
*winks*
Thursday, October 21, 2004, 11:52 a.m.
jojo
JoJo is thirteen. can you believe it? i was grinding my wardrobe door to her Leave (Get Out) thinking that she's someone in the league of hiphop stars like christina milian, brandy and the likes of these. I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S 13. she's got a new song. baby it's you. i'm not surprised by her titles. but they sure are better than baby one more time.
i am at awe. i can't believe i'm in love with a preteen. does that make me a pedophile? i know i like to watch toddlers sing and dance in teletubbies. bu it never occurred to me that i can be THIS drawn to a preteen. or teen. by USA standards.
anyway. i've yet to put my thoughts together with my dictionary to make literal sense. cut me some slack. i just installed spybot. ya know how taxing it is to supervise a scan and immunise a computer? i feel like a doctor now!
i told you guys i cry when i have computer problems right?
so i shall put a picture that looks wayward. like i'm a tree in a pretty dress twisting my branches so they could fall to to ground, become twigs and irritate the road sweeper in autumn. this autumn is warmer than it should be. this autumn. my aircon's leaking bad and i can't switch my aircon on.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004, 01:17 a.m.
i'm back!
i'm back yes i am. my computer's revived thanks to norman's friend sean. really. lotsa screw ups in between but my com and i's fine now.
i'm having such a stomach ache now i can't concentrate. shall be back when i remember the things i wanted to tell ya all.
Saturday, October 16, 2004, 07:32 p.m.
i've semi-resurrected!
as an online personnel. i'll upload a picture!!! i took it at mustafa centre. with my tongue stuck out. with virtually no makeup and literal eye bags. yeah.
well i'm at prasad's place now. there's no way i can upload any pictures on my com now as my pc's almost only hardware at the moment without an operating system. yeah!
i'll seeya guys soon. i hope my computer will be revived this saturday. it just needs a breath of fresh air from windowsxp. i'm a subservient microsoft bitch. oh.
Thursday, October 14, 2004, 04:57 p.m.
computer reformat.
enough said, aye?
Sunday, October 10, 2004, 03:15 p.m.
chanced.
it's almost like meeting someone in a coffeeshop and telling your whole life's tale to a latte-drinking stranger.
apparently, there was an unknown user who added me to her msn contact list. i don't give the whole world my e-mail address so i thought it must be someone i know somehow. she came online. i took my chance to ask her who she was.
after some. question-and-answering, i found out that her brother's in my contact list after all. but i have no recollection of who he is or where he came from. his sister told me he's a photographer and he's a shallow flirt. they're mixed. and she's 17.
and out of the blue, she asked me if she could consult something in me.
she asked me what it meant when a guy ignored her.
she continued to tell me how the guy has been refusing to talk to her and to answer her 50 phonecalls in the past 6 hours.
she's so hurt, she cut her hair from her waist to her ear. reminded me of Malena. it's so extremely sad. and it takes a girl alot to cut her hair so short from such a length. really. guys. you might not understand. but. yeah. it's an unexplanable thing.
she left saying she has to lie down. i know she's gonna weep. she's not THAT juvenile but she's still a young lady. she's been with the guy for 2 years. who'd be able to withstand that? i couldn't even take the short break up norman and i went through when we're only 11 months into our relationship. i have no idea how i can help her. i'm just a window with words. and a display picture she can't see. i really hope i can be there. there's this kind of chemistry i seldom get with girls. i really hope i can be the one who cuts her hair for her instead of herself. cuz. she might hurt herself. and everything. i know how it feels when there's no one to turn to cuz they'd call you dumb.
i know how it feels. and i know what is denial.
poor girl. i don't even know her name. but i feel for her more than i do for faces i might have seen for years.
to the guy. you balless fucker who ain't got the guts to break up with her clean. dangling her on thin strings of hope. YOU ASSHOLIC FLACCID 1-INCH DICK WITHOUT A DICKHEAD WITH ETERNAL ERECTILE DISORDERS INFESTED WITH GENITAL WARTS.
that goes out to a majority of my ex-boyfriends too. HELL YOU DARNED FUCKERS.
Thursday, September 30, 2004, 06:51 p.m.
ganga.
the visit to ganga restaurant at little india, prasad and i's favourite indian restaurant has propelled the inflammation of my throat and caused a stomach upset for the both of us. but well. i wouldn't doubt the cleaniness, tho it's all dark and you can't really see what's where. indian spices are known to mess up stomachs anyway.
but it was cool. we took loads of pictures. added up with the twenty i've yet to upload myself, i'll have bout 40 pictures to show you guys. i have no idea what i should do. archive it on a separate page or place it on my blog. it's scary. 40 pictures. it'd take prolly a day to download my page. ahhh.
i'll give you guys one pic a day or something. how about that? muahaha.
i look so dumb! so kind!
i haven't done much these few days. kinda bored. my throat's bitching so bad. strepsils is doing nothing to it. i stuck my finger in to check for ulcers or lumps. the only thing i found out was that the side of my throat feels stung when i touch it. felt like a wound more like a sore. i don't have a torch... so... yeah.
kuai le yu's coming back! the 9pm show on channel 8's really depressing.
i've been watching loads of tv. zzz.
i'll find something more interesting to blog soon.
Wednesday, September 29, 2004, 09:43 p.m.
whoring.
being the whore i am, here's another picture for you.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004, 11:18 p.m.
ghost.
sorry guys. i'm hooked onto the crimson room games... so i shall put up the pictures tomorrow. but now. there's something for you guys again! i look like a plumped up korean ghost actress.
i'm gonna post more pictures up later today. well but for now, since i've taken a longer-than-usual hiatus from blogging, this is for you guys.
O Sluttye!
Tuesday, September 28, 2004, 04:29 p.m.
prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrf.
i was fucking writing a fucking long entry when my fucking knee fucking switched off my computer and everything's fucking gone. i ain't gonna fucking blog no more. for now.
Thursday, September 23, 2004, 09:49 p.m.
mochi mooncakes!
i'm too lazy to blog what i really want to. so let's talk about food.
my dad's boss got him raffles hotel snow-skin mooncakes. i did the honours and tried the first piece! i don't know but it tasted kinda minty. (might be my strepsils for all you know. they always kill my tastebuds.) it tasted so good. i think there were macadamia nuts inside. ah! and it felt like mochi! the skin was so delicate but IN SHAPE can you believe it? it wasnt easily mashed. but it's so soft and tender on your lips, tongue, teeth whatevers! and i love mochi. i lovelovelovelove those carbo-packed glutininous rice ball in cute japanese packets things. prasad would share what his daddy buys back from japan. and i can finish two big big big mochis myself! by the way. mochis cost five times their price in japan here. so yeah.
i'm just too lazy. i wanna get something to eat. i missed my sociology consultation yesterday unconsciously. ahhhh.
i'm glad i finished my soci tutorials. now i have the whole wednesday to myself!
Wednesday, September 22, 2004, 11:01 a.m.
quiz results.
it couldn't have been more accurate. well. my parents think i'm sleeping around. or at least that i'm sleeping with my boyfriend. cuz she keeps telling me how having a kid at 19 is gonna be a load of shit and how important it is to retain some kinda virtue. of course i know that! but i can't blame them. my boyfriend and i stay over at each other's places. i guess it's more than natural for my peeps to think i'm fooling around.
do you think i'm smart? people tell me i'm a talented and smart girl with loads of ideas when they first talk to me. when they become my friends and realise i can't stop talking about my views and my ideas and my inspirations and my interests and my new tube of mascara, i become too talkative.
wellwell.
how's the poem? i think i can't not talk about death or feeling like dying. i can't write poems about flowers blooming in spring or how great sex can be when a couple's in love. i just can't. i just talk about the reasons that'd make me go die.
isn't it sad? friends ended. sex and the city's gone. what's there for us emo caucasian comedy lovers to devour? sjp! jennifer good 'do aniston! what am i gonna do without you guys! i am NOT going to watch survivor or amazing race or apprentice and too much of extreme makeover makes me think that everyone should have capped protruding dentures.
national tv's depressing. merged or not.
Monday, September 20, 2004, 11:58 p.m.
Masochist.
I am a pregnant butterfly.
You tell me I’m beautiful,
Strong-willed
In momentary artful inaction,
Silent with an unreadable mind
While I rest on the flower
In the reverie of a weary plodder.
I am the pregnant butterfly,
Pinned down at the belly.
I am beautiful in stillness,
Gazing far away
From this estranged mandate.
Our caterpillars are ugly things,
Crumpling my beautiful wings.
I am your pregnant butterfly.
My existence feeds your insubsistency,
Muted to soothe your insecurities.
I am a cocoon of thoughts wasted
In your mere visual appreciation.
I am a breathless carcass
Stoic in taxidermic perfection.
The vibrance of my wings will fade,
Ashened in a willing cremation.
I will tell you, my love,
You were an unusual indulgence
I will never want to deliver.
A pregnancy
To be embraced in decadence.
Monday, September 20, 2004, 01:18 a.m.
losing my religion.
plain blasphemy.
are my fingers fat or what? it looks like a cute baby boy's hand that merely multipled in size as age caught up. check out the folds at the wrist. my hand's like a pig trotter! it's so fatty that the skin can actually find enough fats underneath to manage the effect! it's like the michelin baby arms and legs i used to have. guess it never went away. i've decided to keep nailpolish off my nails. i had them black for nearly two weeks. and it stained my fingernails grey. (as you can see in the picture.) it looked kinda gross. the white part. a nail chipped and i'd run out of emery boards. go fed up and tadah! i feel kinda naked. but it's in your face. so. yeah.
one of my innumerous inconsistencies.
Sunday, September 19, 2004, 10:44 p.m.
i'm frustrated over my gunbound and shall not talk about it.
You are a RPYG--Reserved Practical Physical Giver. This makes you a 1950s Parent.
You are relentlessly patient, loving, generous and devoted. You are unflappable. If on some rare occasion you do raise your voice or say a swear word in anger, anyone around to hear it will remember it (and think it was funny). At the same time, you're very cute and charming, and even if you don't catch someone's eye at the beginning of the night you'll surely have their attention by the end.
Your calm, conservative nature conceals a passionate (and sexy!) heart.
You can have trouble bringing up problems, but your approach to conflict is calm and even-handed. The problem can be is that you are so busy worrying about your partner's satisfaction that you don't ensure your own. This can build up over time and make you restless. Despite your sexual nature, you are more likely to cheat emotionally than physically.
You tend to work out your frustrations in the bedroom. Depending on your partner, this can be an excellent strategy. You would be a great candidate to balance out an XSYT, but not a good match for an unappreciative RPYT.
You have an odd, ritualized vice that doesn't suit the rest of your persona -- like smoking a certain brand of cigarettes or drinking a certain kind of wine.
Of the 87890 people who have taken this quiz, 5 % are this type.
Sunday, September 19, 2004, 02:26 a.m.
soci test.
i thought i had a bad habit of writing too much so i exercised some self-restrain on the length of my soci answers only to find out that everyone else wrote more than i did. thank you very much.
i just studied for my math test. these tests are getting me to revise my work. it's good. i'm pacing myself quite okayly. only that management is like this whole mysterious concept of which, its paper, i do not know how to answer.
i'm tired. it was pouring all day and i went to queensway and back to school for management consultation. my feet were perpetually soaked in eeeky rainwater with grains of sands finding their way to the soles of my feet.
ya know what. i had to download a whole new version of gunbound. apparently, something went wrong with my old version causing this major error. my computer just shut down when i tried to log on to play a long-awaited game with norman. hah! now i'm waiting for the download to be completed. i'm frustrated. but too tired to be angry.
a few things i'm gonna talk about when i get back my time. 1) spa-stic sanctuaries.
2) subway suicides (or not.)
3) the illegitimate, inutile, inhuman, ignominious, illegal war on iraq. thanks kofi.
well. and more.
Thursday, September 16, 2004, 11:29 p.m.
sociology.
i got my brains fried. i got my brains fried. i got my brains fried. i got my brains fried. i got my brains fried. i got my brains fried. i got my brains fried.
by sociology. lemme stagger into slumber... and all shall be free! those fragments of rote-learnt passages shall scatter themselves onto the land of my dreams and tomorrow, i shall be free! my mind shall be empty!
i'm kinda proud of myself. i exercised some refreshing self-discipline and finish my notes. well. it's only a test and i'm proud of what i've put into it.
weary, me. goodnight.
Wednesday, September 15, 2004, 10:29 p.m.
spa-stic.
i don't see the reason why people like going to spas. manicures... massages.i'm quite a "legally blonde" kinda person but i don't understand the yearning some of my friends have towards these luxuries when they can't afford it. isn't it like constipating themselves?
i can't realise the purpose behind these stuff. is it the idea that it's "high end", "tai-tai (a married lady with lotsa money to spend)", "princessie", "pampering", "trendy" and all that hogwash? i am a person who spends alot yes. but i've never dyed my hair at a salon. never done my nails professionally by a manicurist. i wouldn't mind going for facials cuz it's something. ya know. i believe the face is the most important part of your body besides the fact that it hides your brain. and when i talk about facials, i mean dermatological ones. not some beauty salon who'd fry your face with unknown creams and masks. skin's a very complicated organ and i think professional help is inevitable some time in our life when we meet problems with our skin condition. it's like going to a doc when you've got fever, ya know.
i think the whole spa-stic trend is driving me nuts. spas are popping out everywhere. and now, couples can enjoy spa treatments together and a girl, consensually, can choose a male masseur. i mean. i know the government's wanting us to have more kids. but they're trying way too hard yeah?
i'm just rambling mindlessly. but i do believe there's some kind of relationship between spas and spasticity.
i'm staying home to study. i should start! i am going to! aight! byeeeee!
Wednesday, September 15, 2004, 01:09 p.m.
www.jihad.net
as much as you'd think it's a terrorist ogranisation main page to acquire more creative and innovative ideas to bomb foreign embassies and slaughter beautiful exotic-looking kids, you're very, very wrong.
just a clue on what this crazy site contains.
FOR THOSE WHO CAME IN LATE...
The Earth is under attack.
The demon lord B'harne, servant of the malevolent alien High Magus of Lyra, has commenced his assault on the human race. Under the benevolent guise of the children's television host Barney the Dinosaur, B'harne seeks to destroy the minds of children and adults and bind them to his tyrranical will. Once he has made mindless slaves of humanity, B'harne will rule the Earth with an iron talon.
There are those who oppose B'harne. Drawn together by mysterious forces, mad scientists and sorcerors, warriors, scholars and surrealists have banded together into a fighting force capable of standing against B'harne's power and the power of his masters. With the mystic blade of the Barney-Slayer leading the way, these warriors fight a neverending battle against the forces of Evil and Stupidity.
They are the Jihad to Destroy Barney the Purple Dinosaur.
-taken from www.jihad.net-
aren't these guys cranky? i guess they must have set up this page before the 9-11. well... the word jihad's such a taboo nowadays. having a page like this might get you locked up in jail for years because you hate barney by the debatable anti-war warriors. as much as it sounds oxymoronic. anti-war warriors. hurh.
well.i was trying to find out more about barney. i don't know his birthday. all i found was his birth year (1987.. he's 2 years younger than i am.) and that bj's a guy. (i always thought barney and friends was equivalent to a ya-ya sisterhood that kinda thing.) his mom's this pretty lady who was truly concerned with education. a writer on mp3.com slashed barney's repertoire, calling it all revolting and words connoting the likes of it. i mean. what IS barney's repertoire? it's just music on your kiddos educational tape. which does not necessarily have to be barneyian. i mean. tho i know kids love him alot and insist they get tapes on barney. did barney set the repertoire for other educational tapes since they're the big players in this business... or is barney just singing the nursery rhymes that always existed? i don't know. i was born around the barney generation. but i didn't watch barney. i watched my little pony, carebears, lambchop play along, transformers, misfits... i still watch carebears. a human one and his two cyan sidekicks. =D
i was watching polly pocket on central that day. it was an animated movie sorta thing. she's so cute. and she has this gang of girls who are prolly sworn as sisters under the moon and a bowl of pig's blood. polly's dad owns an island. and she has this digi-projector thingie that can simulate her wardrobe so that she knows what to wear to school everyday. her clothes are hung on conveyor rails. woots!
anyway. i think the chinese girl in Hi-5! looks like a porn star. i mean. i don't know. her hairdo's always weird. i actually enjoy watching them get silly with one another and with this muppet thing that resembles a certain character on sesame's street. well...
i've been watching central alot. i've been home alot. i'm going out to study tomorrow cuz staying at home is doing me no good academically. hmmm...
i checked out this site i saw on cleo magazine. it's kinda cool. you can try on shades of makeup and what not on a picture you upload. and it's all free! you can choose to line your bottom or upper eyelid with dozens of shades of eyeliners and the lipstick and eyeshadow selection's great as well. it's a good place to find out what shade of blusher and lippie would suit you if you're an amatuer. you can find out how you'd fare as a drag as well!
i love barney. i guess you guys know by now. and i'm rather disturbed by the amount of barney hate sites. he's purple. he's big. he's arms are unusually short and he's all song and dance a t-rex. what's wrong with that! he's so cute!
by the way. i realised emicakes aren't manufacturing any other kinds of mooncakes besides the D24 durian ones and 2 more flavours. i only eat snow-skin mooncakes. actually i don't mind baked ones. i mean. when i've got a really bad sweet tooth and when i have a great pot of tea.
anyway, i'll go around finding out more about mooncakes and hopefully norman and i can get some nice ones back home on sunday. i'm going chinatown to buy the barney lantern andy the bleeder bought for his beloved missus leia with, andy the bleeder. hmmm. it's the bubble sorta lantern with battery-operated lights! how cool's that!
i'll be having a class gathering on saturday. well. i wonder if ceyu's going (she's my childhood best friend in primary school.) cuz i don't think she's the kind who'd appear enthusiastically for this kinda stuff. there we'd go again... watching those high-flyers soar in public universities.
ya know. sometimes it still gets to me. the whole. nus thing. especially when my brother akways views sim courses with much discern. i think he should go into civil service. he's so... government. ya know.
people view sim with doubt cuz it's like. almost anyone can get into sim. fail gp? no problem. two As only? no problem. c? d? of course, why not. they don't know that the turnover rate's quite high.
i heard there are quite a number of failures for management. i think you have to pass all 4 to clear completely. i don't know. i shall go find out.
it's so scary. falling out of school. i'd better buck up.
i'm going out tomorrow to study for my sociology test! yeay!
i've been eating too much. my diet thing's not working.
i've been urinating alot. as in. 3 times in less than 10 minutes after finishing less than 300ml of water. and i've got puffy eyes. i feel fatigue. i'm gonna get myself checked next week. it's gonna cost i guess. but i'm paranoid. the shows on local tv are preaching so much on how IT COULD BE YOU! that kinda. thing.
i think i'm paranoid. and complicated... *boogeys.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004, 10:01 p.m.
diet
i'm going to go on a diet. for the 25642154472515525412th time in these past few years.
i'm going to buy fruits on sunday with my mom. all fruit and vege. i think i should detox for a couple of weeks. i feel like i'm retaining so much water in my body, all bloated and feeling eeeky. so... yeah.
no bread or noodles. in school just eat the refreshments and coffee. nothing else after that.
they just are getting better. download the new track from their webpage. kazaa's crapped.
Thursday, September 9, 2004, 07:01 p.m.
my fabulous lashes.
they're 100percent real. my lashes. with lash architect and a clean pair of eyelash curlers. well. my skin's blotchy cuz it's acting up. prolly cuz my brother has been invading my pot of moisturiser regardless how many times i've told him it is totally UNETHICAL and UNHYGIENIC and WRONG to share skincare products. he uses retin-a and differin. i doubt you guys would understand but yeah. my face's having sensitivity problems.
anyway. i've got this particular preference to curl my lashes to the max. 90degrees sky high kinda curl. some people think it's really fakey and whatever. i don't have a choice. it's either 90degrees from the roots or 90degrees in the middle of my lash strands that are spastically iron straight. where everywhere else i'd have yearned for straight hair, my lashes are REBONDED straight. so yeah. i seldom wear mascara anywhere. not because i hate putting it on, but i hate taking it off.
here we go.
left eye
right eye
both eyes
i obviously can't wink. but well. check out that bunch of spiders crawling on my eyelids!
trying to pout to my uber-bimbotic eyelashes! but it looks as if someone stole my barneys.
there there. the last picture's editted. cuz i felt itchy looking at the redness on my skin.
what's the point of putting on mascara when you're just gonna make your lashes smudge in the rain? make it dramatic!
Thursday, September 9, 2004, 06:16 p.m.
ARCHIVED.
go to http://web.pitas.com/janathema/2.html or CLICK HERE to access my older blog entries. my abundantly narcissistic pictures are clogging my page up and taking it years to load completely. i've archived my page from 09/09/2004 backwards. well, it'll be part of my links.
this only means i'll be putting more pictures up. so don't complain.
