my battalion of barneys.
nothing can please me more than a huge glass of iced tea now. i don't know why. i feel like a pregnant mom or something. yearning for weird things at weird times of the day nowadays. well.

it's always so much fun to hang out with norman. his ex-girlfriend called but he didn't answer. hmmm.

friends' second last episode on tv now. it's such a great show i don't want it to end. i only started watching it religiously a few weeks ago. can you believe it? u remember the times when i didn't understand what they were talking about cuz i simply couldn't understand what they were saying. as in. my standard of english was too low to understand english with a slang or when it's spoken too fast. now that i've grown outta that and got to fully understand what they say, they're coming to an end. the earn millions in ONE episode. isn't that cool? no wonder they act with a sparkle in their eyes.

rach! wake up rach!
Monday, September 6, 2004, 10:16 p.m.

the things that excite me.
oh yeah yes they do.

listening to take that.
i'm in a major revisit my past phase. and i'm not stopping at myself. i seem to be trying to look like someone from the past myself.

i've always been trying to determine my style. in dressing especially. now i'm more into the run down person look. flipflops. and i just found an old puma bag that looked hideous last time since it's all black with a huge puma label when puma was like a second grade brand. now since it's resurrected, i've decided to bring it to school cuz my eastpak is stacked somewhere under joanna's junk in the store and i seriously need a good bagpack cuz... i hurt my right shoulder and arm that day cuz i was trying to manage a one side tote with both soci and maths notes. crazy i know.

so i went down to orchard that day to meet my friends in almost luminous pink/orange flipflops, a knee-length denim skirt, a green tshirt, a white bag and blue plastic beads earrings. everything clashed majorly. my ex classmates thought i looked freaking auntie. but i really didn't care. i'm gonna do more horrendous things soon to my dressing. i need to feel odd. i need to get another denim skirt. ahhh.

i need a striking christmas green tshirt, some luminous green tops and my trusted black ones. i think i'm turning into a minah with mu oldschool fringe that's almost black and laid back demeanour.

i bought another pair of slipons yesterday. well... brown sequined ones. i wanna get more and more and more stuff. but i realised. wearing anything to school will just do me fine.

i need to get tshirts and seriously ladylike tops at the same time. the bipolar me is acting up these days.

i feel like getting another piercing somewhere. i have no idea. well...

there is something inside me which is trying to turn me into some piece of weird ass with a black and slick alterego.

it's fun to roleplay.
Sunday, September 5, 2004, 12:09 p.m.

romances that don't begin, last so much longer.
as paradoxical and overrated as you might think this statement is, it strikes the most sensible of chords within me.

that when it doesn't begin, you won't change that person. a prolonged courtship or honeymoon of sorts. impossibility is the ultimate preservative for love.

don't you think so?
Thursday, September 2, 2004, 04:34 p.m.

school belle and the beau. bahhh.
i'm disappointed. considering my only female friend in temasek poly looks way better than the both of them, and hearing people tell me there are girls who look even better than my beloved julie, it's a clear misrepresentation of tp's standards. so... yeah.

relating to mediacorp, zoe tay's pregnant! kind of overdue a response. but i'm happy. cuz... yeah. i'm just happy.

i've got a feeling that i'm gonna unconsciously hide my tv remote cuz my brain's too appalled by the previous episode of the school belle and beau.

eeeeeee.
Wednesday, September 1, 2004, 09:39 p.m.

old-skool mama!
i bought two skirts yesterday. my mom complained that everytime i asked her out for dinner, i'd definitely grab my chance for some maternal exploitation. but they were both on 50percent off. well... and i need new skirts for school! soon i'll need new tops too. hurh.

i snipped off some of my fringe yesterday. it was kinda a whim thing. i was so freaking bloody frustrated with my loooooooooooooong fringe that i just decided to end my sorrow with a new one. i'm kinda figuring my new fringe out now.

i've got dark rings. i'll talk about them when they disappear.

while i was shopping, i met rain and his close childhood friend who lives 4 blocks away from me. he was kinda nice. as in. real polite and stuff. i'm suspecting my mom loves him more than norman. hah.

i showed him my fringe and the first reaction was. "it's damn old school!" thank you very much.

but its a fringe with greater versitility. i can mousse it up to become a corporate looking fringe or pull it down to make it some cutesy bangs. yeahhhhh. i might dye my hair deeeeeeep white-haired-uncle-using-bigen-dye black. and look goth or something. but that's all for another day.
Wednesday, September 1, 2004, 04:43 p.m.

You are wearing that to school?
i do not subscribe to straits times. neither do i read news from other sources much. it's been five years since i last touched a copy of times and four years since i last read newsweek.

my management lecturer brought up this particular article that criticised the attire varsity students are spotting these days.

they took snapshots of students from SMU, NTU and NUS (haha. we're a private college. hence, we can do whatever we want?) wearing shorts, berms paired with singlets or big-tshirts. a girl who was in a mini-skirt (well not really actually.) was victimised in this "witch-hunt" of sorts as well.

although i do not belong to either one of these institutions, the article not only made me believe that we should start selling off our SPH shares because their most valuable straits times (since it's taken more seriously than the flagging channel i) is facing a shortage of article materials, but also, that they are no different from ranting aunties who idle their life away listening to radio and complaining to stations about the unacceptable behaviours and attitudes of people around them, this time, about poorly dressed university students, because the last person who called in and took away her long awaited cash prize from the radio gameshow was a uni undergrad. by bypassing the varsity authorities and failing to practice a simple reciprocal act of respect and courtesy to the institutions, they have showed me how different they are from the students who were accused of being disrespectful to their school dressed sloppily.

a journalist who graduated from my jc came back to school to tell us about straits times. how difficult it was to get into the team and how tedious, stressful and demanding the job was. it was somehow immortalised, an unattainable role in the mass media, a mass communication nirvana. at this moment, the sense of repulsion towards one silly article is convincing me that the team's all out to fish articles that would attract readership (all university students might be forced to read this article. and this article might just satisfy the sardonic appetite of some of those people out there who love to see the all-up-above university students get brought down by such a popular media.) which really aren't a big deal at all.

people dress too sloppily and that's an indication of disrespect towards the lecturers. well. to an extent yes. i strongly believe in the necessity to give deserved respect to our teachers. if the sloppily dressed student comes early for class, pays attention and completes s(he) tutorials, does that make s(he) less respectful of the knowledge his/her lecturer is providing? let me digress.

the issue on appearance is definitely one that goes way back into our budding teenage years. when we were in school, we'd die our hair during vacations and get caught by god-knows-who for tinted hair. does hair dying make a person less of a student? well. the reasons they gave us were convincing and sufficient enough for 18 and below, uniform-wearing, moe-regulated education. one. hair dying attracts the attention of gangsters from everywhere and it might cause threat to our safety. we're at the age whereby we might not be able to handle these bad influence. two. they did not want us to be mistaken by others to be gangsters as that consequently, affects the school reputation. three. we wore uniforms and it seemed only imperative to practice some kind of discipline. everyone should look as similar as possible. and hair dying distracts us cuz we were at the stage of our lives that we might be so fascinated with these vain acts that we become preoccupied and hence neglect our studies. (it only takes half an hour to dye a whole head of red hair dammit!)

varsity is a symbol of maturity as only matured minds have the capacity and knowledge to partake tertiary education. by getting into a university, you are already promising the society that you are going to be a useful contributor to the country with the skills and knowledge you have acquired. you are supposed to be god-blessed, possessing supreme intellect and high above at least 80 percent of the population.

so why is appearance still such an issue? it's not as if they are wearing pointed bras and holly-valance-shorts to school. acquiring knowledge is already a mind-boggling task. why bother these poor kids further with the necessity to dress up everyday for school? they go to school almost everyday. and stay there for the longest of hours. obviously they would want to wear something they're comfortable in. the necessity to dress properly becomes even more ridiculous to those peeps who stay in the hostel. school is just a walk away. they stayed up late. they rush for classes. can't expect them to wear jeans and blouses/shirts to somewhere they're gonna come back from within hours, right? looking at the dressing of those students in the pictures taken, the school definitely has grown itself a culture that's relaxed and almost homely. that it's not a place where you have to put up a front and practice all the social requirements in a workplace as what that is the purpose of the whole establishment is to educate. this relaxed, unrestricted culture might just be what that facilitates their studies. there are less things to keep to. the more brain matter for studies.

during my conversation with florence, coming from me,
...must be some cranky lady who called the radio station to complain. there are these people... those 30+ working class freakos who kick up a big fuss about the younger generation. they expect every girl to wear ponytails and wear anklelength skirts. not to wear makeup.... and want all students to wear straight cut jeans and sports shoes and carry back packs tightened to the shoulders and wear BIG WALK 2000 freebie tshirts...

we're not paid. we don't have an income. some of us just don't have that many clothes to wear everyday. you can't expect us to wear the same clothes again and again. we're young adults. we're self-conscious. we'll never wear that dusty pair of jeans in our closet we would rather forget about. we'd rather be stylishly casual and sloppy than to be outdated. let me cite you an example. ME. i've been wearing my denim skirt to school four out of the seven times i've been there. i might just be one of them to get shot and published on national media because my skirt's no longer than the girl's. i'm really tempted to wear my fbt shorts cuz i've got nothing else to wear.

on the other hand. it's kinda cool. DOWN WITH THOSE BUS-CONCESSIONED, SAKAE-SUSHI-STUDENT-RATE-RECEIVING UNIVERSITY STUDENTS! DAMN YOU ALL!

i'm glad i'm in SIM.
Monday, August 30, 2004, 10:33 p.m.

frosties and achy body.
i know taking cereals in the morning will bloat me up into a puffer fish. well. i need that to get through my day.

i'm meeting florence later. we're going holland v for dinner or something. well. supposed to meet on another day but since i've got management consultation on thursday, which i doubt i'd attend anyway, we pushed it up to this monday. i'm meeting her after class.

argh. time to go.
Monday, August 30, 2004, 09:56 a.m.

my japanese name...
Œ´ Hara (wilderness) ‹v”üŽq Kumiko (eternal beautiful child)

my first step to enter the pornography industry!
Sunday, August 29, 2004, 03:47 p.m.

by the way,
the pictures i took just now, the ones of my computer in my room, were taken in the day. or noon. to be specific. and i actually need a lamp to see my keyboard!
Sunday, August 29, 2004, 03:36 p.m.

guiltless porn surfing, late night chats and ridiculously time-taking mindless blog entries.
for once, i'm trying to get used to being blatantly indulgent in these things i used to ration myself on. my com's in my room now! and my altec lansing output's proving itself worth of its shockingly cheap price (considering it's brand) with my black eyed peas and garbage. wooo!

imma show off my computer being in my room. i have my own pc! pc!

new hairstyle!
while i try to show you my new hairstyle, i'll be showing you my beloved auntie night dress too!

sway - bic runga
i think i was single when i started listening to bic runga. i can't remember who sent the song to me. but i'm glad he did.

there was like this influx of past events. how i was sampling bic's cd at borders. during jc one's december break. was stalling time at borders when i saw kenneth. this guy i dated for a day or two. he listened to loads of incubus. the previous time i saw him, he was in jeans and fake band-tees. when i met him at borders, he was in a black trench coat and spotting a hell-care hairstyle. with chunks of clinking accessories weighing on his skinny neck. with black nail enamel.

and we talked abit outside liat towers. till it was pass twelve. and he had to go. i continued to wait for lam and ashlee at liat. then we'd go have supper. reach home at three plus in the morning. go online and crash with the poetry channel peeps on irc.

if you'd lemme choose, i'd choose going for spins and prata over clubbing. i mean. it made so much more sense. you get home with considerably okay smelling hair (since lam and co smoked cigarettes like. cheap grass.) and much more energy. it was kinda cool. and sway makes me cry. it was the joangellika time. and so much happened. so many guys happened. and crumbled me. and... yadayada.

it's so painful to go thru that whole. searching for a guy to love you kinda phase again. it felt worse than flunking As. worse than quitting a job and not being able to find another. it was an emotional luxury turned necessity. and it bites into you so hard. everyone told me i was an intelligent and talented girl. and i tried so hard to be someone. or something. i ended up bewildered. saying wrong things at the wrong time. prasad tells me i've got so much people skills and so much to offer to any organisation that employs me. but i realised. after jc one (and beginning of jc two.) i was like a drained carcass. and i stopped thinking of. being miss nice. i tried many approaches towards guys. i never succeeded. i broke up with a possessive boyfriend, got mesmerised by this virtual characters, missed school. it feels so far away. when it's only been a year.

norman and prasad came into my life at almost around the same period of time. and that's become my. well. "emotional profile".

i've tried so hard to make people remember me, i've forgotten what i am myself.
Thursday, August 26, 2004, 04:02 p.m.

soci class.
i wanted to befriend artsy friends from the soci lecture. i ended up introducing myself to two girls who wanted to borrow my notes to copy a missing sentence. my know nothing about me except my name. and vice versa.

and miss basketballs was in class. it's official. we have TOTALLY SIMILAR timetables. for once i'm getting all the coincidence in the world. i never met my friends on the streets whatsoever. why her.

okay. nevermind. i actually had this little impish thought of having someone walk up to me and say "janathema?". it'd mean that i'd have succeeded in being one of the biggest bitches on cyberspace!

but that hasn't happened. i doubt it's gonna happen anyway.

i had sakae with prasad at raffles place. again. well. was reminiscing quite a bit. for once we thought going for the sakae buffet was amusing. we always had it. gorging ourselves into sleepy jc students as perfect specimens for escapism.

we ate 5-6 plates each. and we're already stuffed like potato sacks.

so. it's kinda quiet a day. i spoke to my soci lecturer who's thai. she's kinda. okay. ya know what. THERE ARE HELL LOTTA ASSIGNMENTS. damn.

but it's kinda fun. at least i'm studying something that can give me a remotely similar experience as a-soc in NUS. well.

i feel very bored AND boring. can you imagine? i actually got repulsed by chocolates. the world must be spinning the wrong way.
Thursday, August 26, 2004, 03:04 p.m.

an overdue apology.
sorry for the long hiatus. it was genuinely unvoluntary. when i just decided to screw up my web layout, believing that i could fix it the next day, my com couldn't log on to the internet. and couldn't even start itself up. i was all hysterical cuz it's almost only days away from the physical handover. i'm always cursed with all techie stuff.

school was fine. my anti-socialite behaviour has earnt me only ONE friend. we've got 3 out of 4 lectures similar. so it's kinda like. a blessing. i hope i get to know someone during soci class. someone who was from the arts stream. who'd be able to crap with me about who william carlos williams had an affair with and strain our brains to churn out plath's husband's mistress' name. and someone to talk to me about suicide since it's... sociology class. hah.

and i hope a guy friend and finally overthrow my hypothesis that i'm cursed with male classmates. they all speak mandarin alot. the school speaks mandarin alot.

well. did i tell you that miss basketballs is in my school? i mentioned eons ago about this girl who'd wear such a tight school blouse that her melons look like they're gonna roll out and crush my toes and how she'd overdress for the school play, something i'd do in sec 2 to impress my classmates? well. i saw her. lo and behold. first day of class. the awkwardness arises when she tries to shun my glances when we walk pass each other. there's a difference between you not noticing someone and you trying to hypnotise yourself staring at the glass door before you as you jostle pass. yeah. you get what i mean aye?

i saw my ex classmate too. michelle i think. and i've yet gone to wave hi to her.

i'm trying not to let this get to me but miss basketballs really is getting on my nerves trying to cut me out of her vision and cling herself onto a bunch of girls who come to class late, leave early, and chat during lectures.

can she ever do better?
Wednesday, August 25, 2004, 01:43 p.m.

first day of school.
i didn't talk to anyone in class today. well. i did. the teacher and the person sitting next to the seat next to me. both for purely academic reasons.

i had maths and stats class today. well. i had maths class since stats is for later. and they were doing differentiation. as in, they've started the syllabus with differentiation. lo and behold! it's one of my passing topics when i took it in school.

suddenly, i feel glad that i took mathC in jc1. it's proving me foundational.

of course. with every new endeavour comes new accessories to mark its significance. and for that, i bought a new bag!

idle.
my last few days as a loafer. and i'm savouring them to the last bit. i wanna get a new bag. cuz i'm starting school. a gigantic white pvc leather bag. well.
i should be getting my brother's computer over the weekend. this twert wants me to buy the router myself when he knows that i'm nothing when it comes to techie stuff. he said he's only gonna pass me the com when i've bought a router. what??? can't i move this darling into my room first? what's wrong with him.
and they said honours students are smart. well. they're not very flexible then.

and so i've gotta get a bag and routers. and get my shoes back from the hotel i used to work at. and get my pay from the job agency. oh dear.
yeah so that's about all that i'm gonna do these days. i wonder if i can actually get a router alone at simlim tomorrow and shop at OG at bugis for my white bag. walk around. take pictures. and spend some time with myself.

i'm always cursed when it comes to schoolmates. and i'm trying to adjust my behaviour and personality to someone i'm comfortable with. i have no idea what sort of. student i should be. i'm trying figuring that out.

pz's volunteered to bring me around the place and share her notes with me. well. i hope i can manage.

my mind's kinda blank. so... yeah.
Thursday, August 19, 2004, 02:32 p.m.

cutting classes.
i'll be starting school at SIM next week. cutting into their commenced classes and work my ass off for the next three years.

i'm highly elated and jittery about school. it's gonna be the whole. first day of school and knowing people when they're already acquainted scenario again. and i've gotta choose a side of me i wanna present. until now, i still can't figure out the crux behind networking. i've been an antisocial nerd.

i've already decided on what to wear for my first day of school. i know. you'd think i'm such an anxious bitch. after ranting about wanting to go back to school and how i'm breaking down cuz my world's such fucked around my nus, i'm going somewhere. to do something i've thought through and sought agreement from my parents on. it's a very. comfortable feeling. i feel cushioned with all that support.

well. i'll be back soon.
Wednesday, August 18, 2004, 10:39 p.m.

mirror misdemeanour.
have you ever felt strangled in agony when you're trying to get ready to head out and have a great time?

have you ever felt that you've put on weight and upon weighing yourself most reluctantly on your cranky weighing scale affirm and feel your lack of clothes justified?

it's one of those days, today, that i placed myself as gentle as i could on my beloved scale and realised i've put on two kilograms.

the previous time i weighed myself, i was diagnosed dehydrated. so maybe that weight doesn't count since i was severely lacking of water in my body. and my body, as much as my attitude's anal retentive, is extremely water retentive. thank you very much!

and so. i feel bloated. and fat. and wide. and thick in the waist. and everywhere else. the only places i think still look slim are my fingers, toes and eyelids.

i'm in a rahter foul mood. i don't even dare to look into the mirror along the passage. cuz it always makes me look fatter.

i guess i need to be on a diet. at least. cut down on sugar. i've been indulging in all god-forbidden this week. and my weight as much as i'd like to say that it fluctuates, sky rockets more often that not.

i'm feel inferior. don't look into my face if you see me on the streets today.

and i realised my pink nails don't match my orange top and i've got no bag and shoes to match the top as well.

and my black beauties are in the laundry. mommmmaaaa... i want my blackkkk toppps....

i've got something against mirrors today.
Monday, August 16, 2004, 04:13 p.m.

alteregos.
i've finally archived ALL my blog entries on pitas. was blogging way back but those files are lost and comfortably forgotten. well. i think i've mentioned about this alteregos thing i was into. i editted the picture but nothing looked right. there were faults in this bloody page i had to trial and error till i got so sick and tired i went to edit the picture instead. fancy having coding problems on a html tables only page. it's such a disgrace.

but it's kinda exhilirating. seeing four of my pictures plastered on the page. everything on the page is solely owned.

gonna watch the village tonight. hmmm.

i can't blog properly now. i'm too excited over my new layout!
Monday, August 16, 2004, 01:09 p.m.

on routers, speakers, mic, digicam and narcissism.
as you guys would have most unvoluntarily observed, i do not use the computer for as many constructive reasons as i'd like. as in. besides using it to send in applications for this and that, academic or corporate all the same, it does nothing else but fuel my inexhaustive narcissism.

on softwares.
i only use adobe photoshop and frontpage. which are effective enough to make me into miss universe with a spunky webblogsite.
of course i'd use microsoft word when i wanna write or when i'm typing shameless resumes. but that's. not. voluntary. ya know.

on hardwares.
does usb cables count? what crucially makes my digicam a digicam. and. my digicam almost only facilitates my camwhoring. holy!

there's a reason for this blog entry.
my brother got his fujitsu lifebook. and i'm gonna get his pc...

THIS WEEKEND.

can anyone help me with routers? i needa get speakers too. and. i'm gonna get a new digicam. like. asap. i wanna get a mic too. i like listening to myself!

i'm gonna get more narcissistic than it is mentally healthy. i'm gonna be the biggest camwhore in the waaaarrrlddd!!!
muahahaha.

just you wait.

did i tell you guys i lost the job?
Friday, August 13, 2004, 02:19 p.m.

pissed off.
i pressed something wrong on my keyboard and the page refreshed. my blog entry's gone. and my baby toes are blistered. i'm working for a hr office in a hotel. that's all i wanna say, tho it's less than what i wanted.
argh! bad luck!
Wednesday, August 11, 2004, 09:54 p.m.

interviews and almost nothing else.
i've gotta go for an interview at some industrial belt selling company tomorrow. woahhhh. sounds way out of my league. but anyway.

the interviews went well. but i was more chatty with the second interviewer. she actually praised me! well. even if it ain't all true, it really gave me the confidence boost i need so badly. we talked for more than half an hour. and we weren't even talking about company details. it was just plain. what you should focus on. what do you want. and blahhhblahhhh. it's kinda cool. i might get a job soon. as in. soon. i hope.

i feel bloated like an unwilling puffer fish. like my stomach walls are trying to compress the air within me to recover its shape. the pressure is bursting me from inside. i wanna burp. but i can't. i'm a purple balloon with a cynical smiley face. have i told you i feel like a clown sometimes?

if i find a permanent job that i totally enjoy and loathe to part with, i might take a part time business degree which is gonna suck me dry of my energy (since i'm not exactly the most driven person in the list.) and leave me as a brown carcass mistaken to be walnut shells. no link. well.

but if i'm gonna enjoy it. and it pays well. and there're good prospects, i'm all out to take up the challenge. yes. really.

what do i have to lose anyway.

my flu is still flooding my nose with mucus and my voice sounds like... i'm talking to you from my stomach. haha.

it's great to get my life back on track. but i have alot of packing up in my room to do. when that's done, my life would have perfected itself into a circle. once again. but this time, it might just be for real.

your hands wrung my veins dry,

my heart pulsating between your ivory teeth.

of all the delicacies you have devoured,

the most willing has to be, me.

dumdeedumdee. i'm addicted to earl grey tea nowadays.
Friday, August 6, 2004, 08:54 p.m.

job frenzy.
so i called up a couple of job agencies trying to step back into the working world with a vengeance. norman recommended a job at starhub. but the thing's that. i have friends working there who aren't enjoying their time, not that i'd be enjoying my time greatly anywhere else. and it's a customer service job. which means i'll have to work shifts on weekends and public holidays. it was pretty nice of him to direct me there. but i have no guts to tell him i'm really not keen on getting a service line job. i wanna work 8.30-5.30, 5.5 days a week. a stable. office job. i'd have done sales if i was willing to go on shifts.

well. the job market ain't that receptive anyway. so i guess i'll have to put down that wilful front. that means i'll have less time with parents and norman. he's not the kind who has the energy to meet after work. so if i work on weekends, we'd virtually not be meeting each other.

and i don't like the idea of working on weekends.

well. i'm going for an interview at the job agency tomorrow. and hopefully i'll strike them as someone outstanding. i need to clearmy nose and get my voice back. i sound like a martian reporting from venus now.

well. well. should i give up things that i've always fought for? for a job? for a salary... i'm always so readily available. i can't bear not to be.

i'm going for interviews at two different recruitment agencies. i shall see what becomes of them.
Thursday, August 5, 2004, 02:59 p.m.

dehydrated.
the doctor said i was dehydrated. saw that coming. was running out of water at the club on saturday. and sucking on ice cubes didn't work. neither did drinking a whole glass of water in the middle of the night.

the job agency's supposed to call me back on my prospective employer's reply. no news at all. well. i need to step up (or rather, START) my job hunt. i've been the most lazy for the longest time. i need to start working.
somehow i miss my previous employer. i miss the familiarity. i was thrown into that company without any clue or idea of what working life should be like. so i took what i got from them almost readily. now. i'd have expectations of what this or that should be like. i don't know.

i think i don't have a goal. or sense. of what i want to be. well. i'm trying to seize the day instead of thinking long term. cuz. i've spent too much time on that.

i messaged derek that day that i'm feeling kinda silent these days and i hope he wouldn't mind my pseudo disappearance if communication makes a person. well. i just don't know what to say. i should concentrate on my greatest sexual fantasies and write an article outta it. take my mind away from stuff. but first, i'll have to tune up my libido.

ya know i think being jobless kills your sex drive. really. hmmm.

by the way. talking about articles. prasad might just start writing for a particular magazine. cool.

i need to have more self confidence and drive i guess.

i kinda feel tired now cuz. there are things in life i want to achieve. and i try so hard i'm almost begging. and then i realise sometimes it's up to that thing or person itself/himself/herself. and i feel so useless. charmless.

go baby go go, we're right behind you.
Wednesday, August 4, 2004, 04:53 p.m.

first day of school.
roughly heard it over the news. well. how should i feel?

i'm tired. and silent. about everything. everything in my life. my heart aches now and then. my body's failing me. i've been thinking about how my death, if i really decide to kill myself, would affect the world around me.

sadly. it won't do much. and that's why i'm living.
Monday, August 2, 2004, 11:12 p.m.

"this guy yandao or not?"
my msn friend (who messaged me on friendster some eons ago.) invited me to view his webcam. and. after showing me his face, he asked. "this guy yandao or not?"

i was more than perturbed. the last time someone asked me that was when i was still wearing kneelength socks and bun-ning my hair with pink furry scrungees. i didn't know how to answer him. neither did i want to tell him that besides norman, i have no taste for chinese guys. as in. norman is NORMAN. he's a character stuck in space and therefore exclusive.

i don't like chinese men.

well. so i was trying to be as diplomatic as possible - by not replying. i didn't want to tell him that i thought he looked like every other chinese guy cuz the fact that he asked me whether i thought he was good looking or not showed his egotistical tendencies. as weary and corny as i got, i told him his specs looked nice reluctantly. i think they really are. they should be oakley's. if i'm not wrong.

he gave me a "whatever". i hate people giving me that reply. i mean. if you're enough of a twert to ask me such a shameless question, you should respect my wish of non-comment. oh wait. that only makes the person a bigger twert.

i don't know if he's gonna come to my blogpage and read all this. but. i have no energy to entertain people like that. i believe i had my own right not to answer his question. i just didn't want to lie.

if you ARE good looking, i'd tell you. like gopal. prasad. and norman whose looks i obsessively devour. you don't have to ask. i mean. it tells so much about you by asking doesn't it.

so i might just have made an enemy. but i don't really care cuz. he's asked me to talk on the phone one day after telling me he's horny. i don't like faceless men.

i don't like guys who talk to me to only know more about the female anatomy either.

don't patronise me. you don't have to.

i suddenly feel rather feminist. wooots.

and... i was reading a few people's blog. i don't enjoy the way they place straight people as the "exiled" or. "rejected". i mean. we're all people with our own sexuality. if being gay doesn't make you less acceptable, why are you making straight people the outcasts? does that make you feel better?

i don't know. but. i respect the gay lobby. cuz i believe in respecting one's free will and sexuality. so naturally, i wouldn't want someone to bash up my own heterosexuality cuz they're not heterosexual. why can't we have some mutual respect?

i'm not trying to change the person's perspective or perception by pointing out my discomfort towards such a speaking against the straight population. i'm just telling you. if you want and deserve respect, others do too.
Friday, July 30, 2004, 01:37 p.m.

the grand handover.
my brother and i always had a love-hate relationship. we were always fighting. but at the end of the day, we're totally cool with one another. there has been this thing that's always been the key to our relentless displeasure with one another.

all this is gonna change soon. no more squabbles. no more hostility. all futility will turn into goodwill and profound gratitude.

when we were young, he was always the one who showed me the cool stuff for my age. from the smashing pumpkins to japanese anime. it is safe to call him my alma mater. before a kowtow to my master for his kind benevolence and love for his baby sis, i shall proclaim for the first time on the world wide web that,

"BRO! YOU'RE NOT A JERK AFTER ALL!"

ladies and gentlemen. my brother's pc is going to be handed over to me. it has always been a vague promise. but yesterday, my brother bought his laptop. things are official. it might be this weekend that i'd get the com.
i need a router. for my net connection. and speakers. which aren't a problem. ya know something.

it means that i'm gonna be able to blog late at night and jot down whatever shit crap that haunts me in the middle of the night!

while previously i inherited an invalid computer that whenever i browsed the net, it hung, this is a considerably competent com. with two drives. and a burner. and when my brother removes all his funky games, i'd have loads loads loads of space! i might reformat the com tho. cuz... it seems to be the only right thing to do seeing how slow this com's getting. ooo.

but it also sadly reminds me that. this handover would have had a deeper meaning if i had managed to get into nus. because. it'd facilitate my work. but now. it's just a tool for leisure and hobby.

don't worry. i'm gonna start studying next year. i so am. whatever i don't care what i wanna study anymore. i just want to further educate myself. cuz. an A level certificate only means you studied two years of subjects irrelevant to the working world, making it wastefully obsolete.

well... when i get the com, i'll get my pc mic. and i hope my digicam will sorta. work. the hinge is cracking. oh no. i should go down tomorrow or something to repair my digicam. it rained yesterday... so... yeah

well.......... now what should i have for dinner?
Thursday, July 29, 2004, 02:01 p.m.

hello south africa!
a black south african guy who's apparently studying at informatics at selegie and going back to south africa next year when his two year course ends asked me for the time at dhoby ghaut MRT station.

we were standing at the same gate so it wasn't a surprise that he'd ask the talking organism of the closest proximity for the time. though i was rather suspicious cuz he had his handphone with him. why wouldn't a nokia phone be set with time? i was nice. so i checked the time on my handphone and it was 15:05. i was on my way home.

after he finished his phonecall he told me i looked beautiful and would wanna befriend me. at this moment, the train door most opportunately slid open. he followed to sit a seat away from me. i chose to sit beside an auntie who had loads of plastic bags who started to talk herself later but that's not for now.

the guy introduced himself as samuel. i think. well. he kinda had a accent. i was reluctant to disclose any information cuz. it's never happened to me. he thought i was racist. cuz he's black. but i shook my head politely and decided to take charge of the conversation instead.

in the 5 minute exchange, he told me to go travel a bit. cuz people should all be friendly like in the states where he stayed for 5 years. he said he wasn't surprised i was shy (shy? wtf?). i told him neither was i. cuz i don't get people talking to me on the train. most of the people just peer into their crotches pretending to be asleep.

so. i gave him my email address. he alighted at farrer park. he asked me where i was hading. i said. somewhere at the north east end. (duh i was on NEL.) and he asked me for my number but i said it's not my personal line. and i'm heading north east for work.

i'd feel weird disclosing all my information. but i thought i could have been more open and gracious. after all. what could he do if he only knew me as "jan" and had my email address? (since i have like thousands.) well. it was kinda. shocking. i've never been asked by any singaporean guy for my phone number whatever.

i was dressed pretty okayly since i had an interview in the morning. so i thought. maybe it's my dressing and makeup. but i'm kinda excited that he told me i looked beautiful. muahahaha.

ok. i went for an interview around raffles place. and i'm going for the same one for a second time at expo. it's kinda. like. a recruitment agency kinda thing. i hope i get the job though. receptionist post with a higher pay. weeee. their company's on PABX which means they're considerable in size.

I WANT A JOB!

i met sarizan for lunch and we gossiped quite a lot about my ex work place. hahaha. well. we're all going clubbing on saturday. he's quite good company. i hope we have fun with the other half of the company hauled along. muahaha.

derek was supposed to meet me for dinner but he has OT last minute.

i wanna get a mic. hehe.

and i need to get my digicam repaired. damn.

wtf is industrial building!!!

anyone knows anywhere else to repair cameras except the main office? like. those. "CAMERA REPAIR SHOP" kinda place?

i'm gonna go enjoy my looking at myself before the mirror now. i've finally figured out how to do smokey goth eyes. but... i wanna get a red earth eyeshadow that's like veryveryvery black. i'm so gonna get it. it's almost like charcoal!
Tuesday, July 27, 2004, 05:56 p.m.

House of the Flying Ciggies.
norman and i came up with the idea after we watched the midnight sneak for House Of The Flying Daggers. i was wondering why the english title was surprisingly not an orthodox direct translation from the chinese title. i was multi-tasking throughout the show. explaining to norman what SHI MIAN MAI FU meant, what takeshi kaneshiro's chinese name was, laughing at andy lau's weird failed ancient chinese accent, how they liked to make out in the grass fields, the way the bamboo clan's clothing colour coordinated with the bamboo plantation, how the bamboos were like inexhaustible (my mind was thinking of how they were going to answer to the WWF since they were destroying the natural habitat for pandas), how the assassins looked like pandas clinging onto the bamboo shoots, and ultimately, how the screenplay was trying to do the "dramatic twist" thing so much, it became freaking corny.

it was a film of incredible aesthetic value. the scenery was breathtaking. (though their clothes looked a little too morning. i mean. chiffon??? and... polyester?) i thought their clothes were pretty cool. they were different. not the normal, preset ancient chinese costumes. the show was like two hours worth of postcard watching. every scene was such picturesque. it looked. too aesthetic to be real. and together with the forced accents and lines that made the actors sound like they were struggling (the chinese had their ways of making the arrangement of words sound weird. as in. modern chinese is very, very different from ancient chinese when everything's supposed to sound complex and poetic.), the film couldn't engage me. it was like. all too deliberate. too pretty. too detailed for perfection. too. far away. yes.

the film's good though. by the end of this you'd think that i'm lying to you. i'm not trying to confuse you. cuz the things that i mentioned are the things that'd make the film it's own. watch it. if you're mindful of art in films.

i watched amelie on dvd. i loved the setting. atmosphere. the warm, sepia-ish tone to the film. the storyline was however. i don't know what i feel about it. it was a film that i didn't feel that was tapping on my senses all the time. but it was a film that didn't put me to sleep either. you'd be constantly trying to rationalise things that are shown in the film. why this. why that. so? and get so held up with the whole "every scene and character is there for a dramatic purpose" theory taught in school. and at the end of the day. you might feel that you've missed the point. do we always need logic?

so to the idea of HOUSE OF THE FLYING CIGGIES. in the film that we've ripped this off from (that is HOUSE OF THE FLYING DAGGERS) they threw daggers like. i don't know. remote controlled devices that could identify the specific body parts you told them to attack.
oh yeah. there was a part where takeshi would be shooting arrows at some assassins (he wasn't going to kill them. watch to find out why.) and he managed to shoot through (there were four of them) their clothes, missing their flesh by less than centimetres. these are the things that make me feel like becoming a marksman. well. nonetheless.
the daggers could hit the enemy no matter how weird at angle they threw it at. it was an awe-inspiring series of superb marksmanship. so instead of the daggers, (i do think we watch too much tv and play too many video games.) we'll have cigarettes. it was an easy source of inspiration. norman as smoking and we were talking about smoking. and. the next thing we got to was a discussion of how we could light cigarettes by throwing a zippo and a fagstick together, how they'd miraculously come to meet at this particular point, how the flying action of the cig would make the fag burn without inhaling, how it would spin and twist and turn and burn the enemy on his eyelids after misting his eyes blind with smoke, how his eyes would have been reduced to ashes by then and how the ashes would flow out from the sockets when he tries to open his eyes.

besides this, the ciggies can be thrown on the ground/floor/field (like how we'd flick the stub onto the ground. it kinda reminds me of IORI YAGAMI in King Of Fighters.) and how it'd skid and light a fire trial, detect the enemy, encircle him and make a ring of fire around his position, trapping him in that specific spot. then the ciggies would all fly towards him, (being lit now by a torch instead of a zippo. held before you at a distance and position that the ciggies would go through the flame and light up.) and burn him.

then we thought it'd be quite costly to run the house of the flying ciggies since cigarette prices are gonna be raised back to $9.50 once again.
Monday, July 26, 2004, 11:49 a.m.

pansexuality.
i think we have been rather exposed to terms like heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, transexuality and transvestism. pansexuality sure sounds kinda new.

tranvestites can be cross dressers. chicks with dicks. drag queens. a cheeky friend of yours might have driven you around changi village to spot the girls and stared into cars that eventually pick them up. they can be transexuals too, depending on how long they have been working and thus how much they have been able to invest in their sex change process. transvestites, if you see them shapely and developing boobs (though for some of them, development is too slow a word cuz they jump from cup AA to cup D overnight under the knife) they're prolly on hormones. they might have lessening facial/body hairs (i have read of hormone pills that can help even women who have hair growth woes to be slick like an egyptian) and a definite change in behavior. i wonder if it's psychological or hormonal an effect but we can't deny the fact that females are more emotional cuz of the hormonal system and its fluctuations. when the guys take hormone pills, their dicks might possibly shrink with the increased amount of "female hormones" being pumped into them. hormones make people horny. no male hormones. no male arousal. no erected dick. perpetual flaccidity. i hope that was brief enough.
girls can take hormone pills (i think that would be androgen) to develop facial hair and through a documentary film, it was observed that even the facial features change a little to have a more masculine feel to them.

lemme digress. ya know. hormones can do wonders. control your emotions. mood swings. control your sebum production. hair growth. boob growth. menstruation. acne. hormones can bring your menopausal mom back to earth. hormones can make your brother look like you (if you're a girl). lotsa lotsa things. it's virtually what we are about.

back to where we were.
however i find it rather puzzling why female butches are not called transvestites. men dressed as women are transvestites. what about women dressed as men? while transvestism has a rather negative connotion to it, being a butch doesn't sound as bad.
maybe it's the same conundrum as how gays are less acceptable than lesbians. lesbianism is, in contrary to gayism, seen as a kinky preference. most guys like to see girls getting off each other.

transexuals do not have dicks. nor balls. but they can have pussies. a male can choose to have a vagina but the process is painful and difficult. women can't sew their labia together. so they'll have surgery with the aid of pills to enlarge their clitoris to become mini-dicks. males can do that too if they feel that they're too puney. they can inject fats into the dick head to make it a few centimetres longer. but they might lose their genital sensitivity as well.

my friend told me once he's fucked a transexual before. somewhere along desker road. and he said the difference is that. you need loads of lubrication. and that there is a difference. the transexual showed her strength. he said its different when a girl grabs his shoulder and when a transexual does. they seem to have more strength. and that's one of the only things that reminded him that he was fucking a transexual. he might have been on drugs. he always was. so... well.

bisexuals are people who swing from side to side. they like men. and women. which means they essentially (well sort of) have two personalities in them. a side of the likes girls. cuz they are pretty. and cute. they like boobs. enjoy pussies. the other likes guys. they like dicks. they like mascular chests. they like a deep voice. they fall in love with characteristics that they recognise as masculine or feminine.

pansexuals have only one... side to them. in a sense that they like people for certain qualities or characteristics that are distinctively them. they don't see the people they date as A GUY or A GIRL. we're all homosapiens. we love. so let's have fun. they view individuals without their gender. that's a small difference from bisexuals. but sometimes these two terms are used intermittenly cuz. if you like someone with a singing talent. and she happens to be a girl. people think you're into her boobs. and see you as liking a girl who has a singing talent instead of just. a person with a singing talent. something like that.

well... i've been thinking about all these stuff quite a lot these days. and it's appalling how many people out there (i don't know why but they always happen to be the chinese speaking crowd affiliated to bengster or lianster clans) are still using these terms wrongly and even mocking at them. i feel rather disgusted. why don't they spend some brain cells thinking about how it'd be like if one day heterosexuals become the minority? and dating the opposite sex is perceived the same way as how they view same sex relationships now? why do some people view homosexuals as freaks. and gossip about them. is it more wrong for a same sex couple to lead an innocent true relationship than for a heterosexual couple to fuck around and cheat on each other?
religion i guess, has a great part to play. while premarital sex is wrong, homosexuality is wronger. possibly because dating a same sex person and going out holding hands on the streets is more prominent and obvious than two teens trying out doggy style for the 3rd time cuz the previous two times the guy couldn't find the pussy.
well. whatever we say, they always have the way of distracting you with hell. anywayyy.

i'm still trying to figure out why guys ask me for sexual favours once in a while. haha. i shall be asking around. and compiling my sexual fantasies is gonna be quite. tedious. since practically anything remotely sexual turns me on.

i don't really know the purpose of this entry. of me telling you all what the different terms stand for and what they go through. well. i think. i just wanted to write out the things i knew about them. from my magazine readings and discovery channel watching. some people don't clearly know about it. prolly cuz they shun the topic or the people around them do. and though they don't clearly know about it, they still attempt to most embarrassingly talk with all the factual errors. and pass on the flawed ideas. i think the way i've put it in this entry makes everything just sound. ya know. normal.
i don't see why you can go change your nose at the surgeon's when you can't remove your dick. it's all a matter of personal choice. right? i think nothing beats the feeling of being satisfied with who you are.
Saturday, July 24, 2004, 12:31 p.m.

are we getting more gay?
to set things straight (pardon the pun), i have nothing against the gay lobby. i pride myself to be one of those who believe in the importance of free will and actions. if you'd ask me, i'd be a hermaphrodite anytime. people have called me bisexual but i'm more pansexual than that. cuz...

being bisexual means that i'm would fuck a woman cuz the masculine side of me is attracted to what is distinctly feminine. and i'd fuck a man cuz i like his manliness.

being pansexual means i'd just fuck anything that can give me pleasure. i don't look at the man or woman i fuck as a gentleman or a lady. they're fuckers. i look at qualities individually instead of linking them to gender norms.

correct me if i'm wrong. but my little warped brain had spent quite some time thinking this through and this happened to be the only description that made me feel satisfaction comparable to oral sex though it serves no purpose further than telling you guys i have nothing against gay men and women.



okay. now the blog entry proper. during a discussion with gopal about the lopsiding population proportion in singapore, that there'll be more women in the future than men here, the subject of gayism came up. brought up by me, rather unsurprisingly.

as an amateur attempt on sociology, my supreme intellect urged and enabled me to analyse the eminent situation and predict the consequences of this great disproportion in gender ratio.

when there are more women, it means that there'll be a shortage of male partners to form heterosexual relationships. this might possibly lead to an increase in lesbianism in the country. why? we'll have to look at the current situation and simulate the possible outcome of the growing trend. but i must enforce the fact that HAVING TOO MANY WOMEN DOES NOT DIRECTLY LEAD TO THEM FUCKING EACH OTHER CUZ THERE'S NOT ENOUGH MEN.

right. the gay lobby in singapore is growing in size and strength. possibly due to the increased exposure to liberal cultures in the west enabled by modern education and the advent of the world wide web. the obsoleteness of fixed marriages and therefore a new practice of the freedom of romance, has enabled people to think about who and what they really want romantically and nuptially.

kinda garbled. let me put it in simpler terms.
i surf the net. i come across gay porn. i realise my attraction to naked women fucking each other to the bits. i wank. i cum. it's my sexual preference. i have the freedom to date the people i like. i date girls. i fuck girls. we're in love. we don't have to get married. even straight couples don't anyway.
while in the past.
i'm a girl. i ask about sex. i get caned. i get married and lose my virginity and have kids but have yet to experience an orgasm. i don't have to know about sex or love cuz i'm supposed to know about it magically once i get married.

well. so now more people KNOW that they can make a choice. and sexuality is becoming less taboo. not everyone accepts homosexuality now but if we do the math and see how the people who do have multiplied from last time, and times the multiple to the number we have now, we aren't far from having social acceptance of homosexuality.

the growth of the gay lobby works both ways in making us more gay. it sounds fucking cyclical but let me explain.

1)+(gayism) > -(straightmen for women) > +(women who are single) - (on the assumption that it is instinctive for humans to look for alternatives and that the increase acceptance of gayism would make women be less shy to explore the homosexual side of themselves) > +(gay women)

2)+(gayism) > +(gay women)

by right, the straight way of solving this ratio disproportion is to have more girls for a guy. scrap monogamy and let men marry more wives. have more kids and hope that God will miraculously alter the gender ratio with the baby boom. people will all stay at home to have sex receiving monthly government grants and abort when they have a female baby OR according to the gender ratio then, and under close monitoring, eliminate the excess gender to balance the ratio to 1:1 and wait for the then adult population to die and hence achieve an ideal, balanced population ratio in 30-50 years.

an alternative shall be exporting singaporean women (or importing foreign men whichever is more beneficial to our economy) to other countries (possibly china, since their one child policy is tilting their population ratio with baby boys being a more popular choice.) and not come back for good. give up their singaporean citizenship and the population ratio will instantly be 1:1!

gopal was very much excited about the anticipated decrease in competition since the supply of women would be greater than the demand of women when we were talking about this phenomenon. i wasn't too worried since i've got a boyfriend for keeps and even if i don't, you can give me a lady anytime.

the situation now is not a simple case of us having more women than men. on top of the statistical lopsidedness, there are more men coming out and recognising their own homosexuality. although lesbianism amongst women is increasing simultaneously, the rate is slower(statistically) when we already have more women to start with.

so are we getting more gay?
- at the present moment, statistics seem to flag a multi-coloured yes.
- and considering our lopsided gender ratio, we might be, if my trashy hypothesis proves itself theoretical.
- if singaporean guys refuse to buck up and insist on their chauvinistic ways and bad sex etiquette, complete with a whole set of imprudent, self-pitying accusations that singaporean girls are too materialistic, ungentle and can't cook, wash and clean like your family maid, i can't be sure about singapore turning gay holistically,

but i'm sure we're gonna turn lesbian.
Friday, July 23, 2004, 01:26 p.m.

how do you make a blog popular?
what it takes, what it means, and what it'll do to you.

pre-requisite. looks. i think you've gotta be pretty to front a good blog. either that, your entries are so good they mindfuck all men and women, birds and bees in the world. it depends on your target audience. there are the bengsters, intellectuals and people out to check out girls with self-pics of themselves in as little clothing as possible. and sometimes it takes a writer affiliated to literotica.com to fit the bill.

fact is, i don't have the looks that an average singaporean guy would salivate too. let's not talk about the overweight rest of the body. and i'm a self-entertaining, self-absorbed, self-infatuated nineteen year old reeking immaturity. i don't write that well. i think i talk too much about my life. like. my mom hates me yadayadayada. no more articles exhibiting my supreme intellect or raunchy outings with the guys i date. content is bare.

if your blog is popular, it prolly means that you've got a way of securing readership. ie. you've got really interesting issues brought up in your well-written blog or you've got bikini-clad pictures or yourself or you look like some actress or your blog's so good it's almost fiction. actually it's the same point as the previous isn't it. well. if your blog is popular, it means that i'm envious and would like to worship you. would you mind if i ripped a picture of yours off your blogsite, enlarge it and paste it on my room ceiling so that i can look at you awake, asleep, when i'm having sex, when i'm wanking, when i'm talking to my friends, when i'm watching dvds. blah.

i hate to think that i'm writing uninterestingly. i try my best to add in the words i read in the dictionary yesterday. i read popular blogs religiously tho some i'd just give them up halfway cuz they fail to hinge on the logical part of my brain. i don't understand what their talking about. or maybe i'm just too lazy to flip the dictionary every three words i read or punctuate their sentences for them or too disgusted by their bewildering popularity.

i have not much idea what having a popular blog does to you but i think you kinda have a love hate relationship. i can still speak relatively openly here. that i'm not a virgin blahhh. and stuff. well. if one day i become popular on cyberspace, people might start hating my whorish ways and blast at me. my ex boyfriend might come in and tell the world he was the one who deflowered me and how badly i used to moan. i might get corrected for the many flaws i make in my blog. i'd have to set up another blog to write about my vaginal infection cuz i'd start getting conscious of how people see me. imagine one day going down to orchard. this guy comes up to you and say "how's your gonorrhea?" and you'll have to convince the guy that yours is just a normal fungal infection, that you're on anti-biotics and the ovule you inserted last night is working well ON THE STREETS. and if you fail to tap onto the useful part of his brain, you might have to admit to having gonorrhea and get dumped by your boyfriend who'll be suspecting that you've been sleeping around with some STD-infected bastard.
BLIMEY!

well. ir's an ironic entry. i don't have a popular blog. i think this is gonna so shout my desperation to you. i'm not demanding sympathy. i'm not wallowing in my favourite self-desolation. i'm just seeking attention.
but isn't that what all bloggers do? don't lie. okay. most, if you insist. there's a part of all online journalists who want some readership. cuz it'd be locked and private if you don't want people to notice you.

read my blog! tell your friends to! i'll write about my sexual fantasies once i get 20 readers a day. how about that. *winks*
Thursday, July 22, 2004, 09:40 p.m.

revisitation.
CAN YOU FUCKING NOT COME INTO THE ROOM, SIGH, TELL ME YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GONNA BECOME OF ME, SIGH AGAIN, WALK AWAY, COME BACK, TELL ME I'M A FAILURE, SIGH, SAY YOU'RE WORRIED THAT MY LIFE IS GONNA BE SPENT POOR BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND ISN'T SOME RICH KID, THAT I'M NOT FIT TO STUDY AT ALL CUZ FROM MY FACE YOU KNOW THAT I'M GOING TO NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY AND I'M GOING TO SQUANDER YOUR MONEY AWAY WITH MY OWN FOOLISHNESS, BELIEVING THAT I AM CAPABLE OF BEING A UNIVERSITY STUDENT WHEN MY ATTITUDE AND CALIBRE IS HORRENDOUS, THAT I SEEM TO NOT FUCKING CARE OR WORRY ABOUT WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME, THAT I LOOK SO HAPPY HAVING NOTHING TO DO, THAT I DON'T GIVE A SHIT AT ALL TO WHAT HAPPENS IN THE FAMILY AND WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF US BECAUSE OF ME AND THAT I'M GOING TO BECOME NOTHING?

guess what? i AM fucking nothing.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004, 10:46 p.m.

tracing back.
to my "unrealistic" dreams. kith and kindred would know my fetish in fashion.
that for the longest of time, it has been my passion.
not that i had many channels to exhibit it but i was fervently interested in the aesthetic. especially in the area of apparel, what not.
but it was always so far. financially, and of course, realistically.

for fashion is not like a business course or an arts degree that lands you somewhere. vague. but ironically definite.
fashion doesn't recognise cambridge 'A'levels. which means i'd be thrown back to square one 'O'levels. hohoho.

it really irritates me when my mom would walk and ask me. "so what are you gonna do?", "where can you study?".
the thing's that. i don't know. i really don't. it's not like i don't give a fuck. but i don't know.

SIM apparently ended their application on the 20th of July. which means i could have gone somewhere. called my cousin and she told me that business courses are better part-time and i don't need to study full-time. and another worry. what about my finances?

and while miss joanna i-like-to-think-for-others was preoccupied with what other people said and thought, she realised that she ain't no fit for business.
is it something i wanna do?
i'd rather go study fashion.
which would make me wilful and stupid.

i've been sweeping it under the carpet for way too long.
what am i gonna do with my future?

why are we going back to square one.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004, 10:29 p.m.

labret outbreak.
i decided to not get my labret piercing.
why?

on the beautiful saturday that happened last week, i saw THREE FREAKING GUYS&GIRLS HAVING A LABRET LOWER LIP PIERCING.
that wasn't enough to scare me. there were kinda okay styled. an ahbeng. a minah (of mild proportions). a.. punkish malay girl.

yesterday was good ol' family day with my brother and mom.
i saw this girl with the exact same piercing i wanted working at topshop. ok. malay. kinda eclectic. so that was fine.

UNTIL.

I SAW THIS FREAKING MINAH WHO HAD THREE INCHES THICK OF MAKEUP ON WHO WAS YELLING ON THE PHONE IN THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS MINAH ACCENT IN SINGAPORE...

wearing a lowerlipline labret.

case closed. i am totally disgusted by the common-ess and calibre of people wearing it. nonono. that's not gonna be me.

and for the tongue. well. guess not. i'm not a hardworking teeth-brusher/mouth-gargler.
so yeah. i shall just be satisfied with my industrial. i should be. it's healing me proud.

so yeah. i'm not gonna turn myself into a minah wannabe or something. cuz. i'm not. i've even stopped wearing makeup.

did quite some shopping. and. yeah...
might be going out again. i might be joining norman at his workplace. work for a humble pay and look for a job.
well. cuz i have to know what i want to be to start, right?

i realised people read my blog but they don't leave messages. i have readers! yeay! or maybe it's just this psycho stalker who keeps refreshing the page till he cums.
i shall be both proud and. um. amused.
a few of my friends are kinda. crashing. i don't know why.
and everytime they do, i fear i'd lose them. cuz when people are low and become suspicious of the whole concept of friendship, they don't really run down a list to analyse who to trust and who not to. they sometimes just let everyone go.

i know. people have been difficult to trust. around me especially. and i, someone who's always so ready to please people, used to pour out all about myself. now. i still do. but i have realised my choice of sometimes, being more entertaining with fiction.

i don't have a biographical life.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004, 09:53 p.m.

cynicism.
a friend of mine have become pretty cynical a person.
towards friends. relations. romantic or platonic.
i don't know what to say. but i hope i can find out more. cuz he hinted to me that something terrible happened. a few weeks ago. imma try talking to him tonight.

sometimes i really get irritated at myself. how i'm always so languid and taking things for granted. i don't bother to be active about things. but i bother, to be crashed and crumble at the end of it all when things turn negative. maybe, maybe there is this little masochist in me that loves to see myself fall.

well. i don't know. how do i defrost a cynic?
Tuesday, July 20, 2004, 09:54 a.m.

itchy and scratchy right within me.
i wanted to wax my legs. but i couldn't. prolly cuz my leg hair strands are too short to catch the wax. wellwell. money wasted.
and i made my first vinegar salad. haha. prasad has evangelised me.
so. as i walked nonchalantly into cold storage in cropped pants and a cheap XHIBIT tshirt, self-titled in pink in pink mambo flipflops trying to not look like an auntie, my cravings crept into my like a parasite.
a part of me was itching to bake cookies. so i bought some instant mix.
then i went to the shampoo section. i have to agree with the clairol commercial that the fruit fusion series where this girl will swim in this huge lake in god-knows-where and have that "i just came! and i wanna cum again!" look. it IS orgasmic. smells like a bottle of scented woodies. i love the scent. my hair smells like my old girlie room now!
then chocs. well. i wanted to get triple deck. but was suddenly yearning for some nuts. so i picked up a roasted almond cadbury. the family blocks were arranged nicely in its own promotional shelf. i turned left and saw van houten. thought i'd go a little old school and it was more than a dollar cheaper. placed the roasted almond block back to the cardboard makeshift shelf and chose the van houten one with hazelnuts. then i saw the van houten one with roasted almonds hidden behind this vertical belt thing hanging some small stuff that i didn't really take notice. then i thought. hey. cadbury has more. and it'll be more worth it. so i chose the cadbury family block with hazelnuts. placing it carelessly int my shopping basket, i tried to put on a blank face (more like. talk to me and i'll fucking bite.) and walked away, feeling kinda embarrassed after standing there for eons for a $3.90 block of chocolate that i can finish in less than an hour.

well. i couldn't have shitake mushrooms at cold storage and the only local, cheap white button mushrooms left were bruised and semi-rotting. so i. decided to not get em. i sulked. called prasad. whined. went back. wanted to get it. decided not to. walked away. (this is when the chocs saga happened.) went back. picked the packet up. help on to it. got stared at by this guy who's arranging the vegetables in a shirt and tie (like. wtf's he doing in office wear???), acted cool. placed it back. decided to get em at ntuc.

so i took a bus back. loaded with three big cold storage plastic bag, barging into ntuc like cold storage spy acting as a lost puppy. spotting the "i'm tired. i'm carrying lotsa heavy stuff. i'm so pathetic. pity me!" expression, i picked up my beloved shitake mushrooms and bought cherry tomatoes. bought two cartons of milk. and almost died carrying them home.

i came home. made the salad. savoured it. had my first orgasm. baked the cookies and nibbled on the hazelnut block. second orgasm. bathed. multiple orgasmed.
wellwell.
got screwed by my mom. for baking cookies. don't ask about em. they flopped. i smsed norman.

"my cookies flopped."
"become rocks ah?"
"no... they look like humjinbang."
DON'T LAUGH AT ME.

ok... well. but i psychoed her to eat raw shitakes. she agreed that they're good. yeayy!!!

some guy messaged me on msn. asking me what i'd do with my porn since my brother was gonna reformat the com. i said i dont have porn. he said you dont? i said i dont keep them. he said so you delete them? i said yeah. he asked me what do you do when you watch porn? just watch or do some other stuff. just curious. i told him i'm not in the mood and said that being curious is just an excuse and i quote myself here "WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T WANK WHEN THEY WATCH PORN?" and he said yeah. and he said not everyone is like you.
that's how the title of this entry came. cuz i felt really pissed off. like. hello. well. maybe it wasnt what he asked. maybe it was just him. muahahaha.

one question.

why do guys always ask me for sexually related favours. it's weird.
maybe it's the way i speak? do people find me loose? or what? i was how i am when i first met norman but he didn't place me aside like some carnival trash. it's weirrrrrrd.
might be a few reasons.

1)i admit that i watch porn. and that i masturbate. nonchalantly. i don't hide these kinda stuff. cuz. there's nothing to be ashamed of. well. yeah.
2)i talk about sex like a guy. i'm forthright. and i have no qualms telling people what i like and what i don't.
3)i write poetry. i think guys nowadays have this thing for girls who write. i don't know. they tell me i'm so smart and talented they get so turned on. it's. funny. heh.
4)i've taken lotsa pictures. i don't know. maybe they like my pictures???
well. might be more to the above. but.... buuutttt. uh... i'll think about it. hmmm. and i'll ask around. hahaha.
Friday, July 16, 2004, 10:29 p.m.

piercings wishlist.
here it goes.

1)labret (too spunky for work tho)
2)tongue
3)left cartilage (which means i can't sleep on both sides. muahaha.)
4)belly (i have to get rid of that belly first to get a belly piercing. duhh.)

in case you guys don't know what's a labret. and what sorta tongue piercing i want, here're they.



well. i won't get a tragus. cuz i won't be able to put on earphones. i won't get an eyebrow. cuz it's definitely not for work. hmmm.
i think my parents are gonna freak out. but still. i've gotta find a new job. and the tongue piercing. if norman minds, i wouldn't do it. WHO THE FUCK ELSE HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH MY TONGUE, RIGHT???
yeah. so that's it.

peeps have been asking me out clubbing. and they almost laughed till they lost their teeth when i told them i'm gonna quit smoking and drinking.

no one believes i'll be quiting gin tonic. dammit.
well. i miss coyote ugly. but i miss the deejay who used to spin there more. wellwell.
i shall draw up another wish list!

the i-WANTs.
1)white pumps
2)gold/white strap heels
3)a bigger white bag
4)a black bag
5)a skirt
6)a white/beige/black belt
7)a digicam

muahaha.
oh yah and.
8)a job!

imma step on it tomorrow. go get the papers and stuff.
yeah... i borrowed a love poetry book and was most bimbotically surprised that thomas hardy, the same man who tortured me with The Mayor Of Casterbridge could actually write love poetry. and it was freaking decent a poem!
and well my friend, who's studying in aussie, appearing in my blog for the first time, GOPAL, sent me his screenplays. strictly exclusive but i haven't read screenplays for long and the two he sent me were really good.
i like stuff that set me thinking. it always feels great to be mindfucked once in a while.
and i showed him some of my stuff. well. he said they were good. the only thing i'm complaining about is the speed that i'm churning them out. like. a poem in 3months? what's this.
i need to write faster. prolly cuz i'm less sensitive to the things around me nowadays that's why inspiration don't come easy. i need to be how i was like. holding a notebook and pen wherever i go. spitting out one-liners that open or close my proudest poems. well.
i need to write. i need a job. i need a job that makes me write. viola!

i feel like flying to aussie.
Wednesday, July 14, 2004, 05:50 p.m.

indulgence.
the following summarizes my yesterday into nitty little bits with, nitty little bits.

1)lunch with jasmine (my cheque! my cheque!)
it rained so i dropped off bus 8 and sheltered her back to A-Z building where i checked NOVA the furniture place out. boring. but it dried the hem of my jeans a bit.

2)wisma/taka
i checked out practically every shop i dig. oh. should have gone FOX but forgot about it since it's never been on my shopping list. topshop, warehouse, isetan, zara. afterwhich i decided i should just be a nerd i wanted to be, makeup-less in jeans and a weared loose tank top. looking slightly lianie. and i realised for once that looking at mirrors weren't helping me.

3)library@orchard
i was there for a good couple of hours. prolly 5? didn't touch a single novel. all. potrait books. craft books. makeup tips. poetry. poetry. poetry. ie. blake. and some mushy stuff that tickled me so much i borrowed the ove poetry book. and. hmmm. wax making books that i decided to chuck away since getting the materials would cost a bomb, and. nothing much. i just kept on browsing and reading. and. forgetting how i'm disatisfied with the way i looked yesterday. good ol' analgesia.

4)norman, lionel, lynn at sketches/bugis
pasta. bruschettas. shopping. but cuz i reached earlier and the topshop there was spotting a bigger collection of on SALE clothes, i bought a tube top for $26. love it. loads. veryvery. remember the one my mom ruined in the laundry? (i found out it had nothing to do with her.) yeah. the same satin-y material with no black hems!!!

well... should be rotting at home. reading. tving. sleeping.
maybe i should look for a job.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004, 10:32 a.m.

the phonecall II
i'm waiting for the phonecall yet again. hurhurhur. ok. sorry.

since i'm all set to go have lunch with jasmine and get my cheque (i quit some very long time ago aights!!!) i shall not blog long.
so we met up and su left. shall talk more about it later.

it's kinda sad. everyone's heading down under. all the spunky, interesting, can-stand-my-crap people are all hauled to aussie by a force called education.
i wanna go see the aussie guys too. aussie... aussie... i mean... i like... the... accent!???
actually i like aussie girls too.

well. someone asked me a question. "so where are you heading? studying?"
no. looking for a perm job.
"why?"
i'm not studying this year.
"why not?"
i'm trying to save up a bit more.
at this moment, su saves me.
"yeah. saving up. loads of people are doing that nowadays!"
THANK GOD!
hehe.
still, waiting for that phonecall. running late. shit. kay byes!
Monday, July 12, 2004, 11:17 a.m.

waiting for that phonecall.
you guys would've known clearly by now that i'm not exactly the best at decision making. or rather, i choose not to whenever i get a chance or brood about it till i get no answer and chances pass by and i get neurotic and i start typing with lotsa ands without any punctuation.
well. today, i've made my first grand. important. anything you call it decision.
i don't know whether i'm going to regret it. but just like my previous resignation, i believe that sometimes we just have to do something for ourselves.
and i know that when i believe in my decision, i won't regret. i can force myself to accept it cuz it'll bind my grievances neatly in a bundle called reponsibility.

here it is.

I'M GOING TO CHOP OFF MY BLOODY NOSE. FUCK YOU!!!

i've been having a rather estranged relationship with my nose these days. the same one i am having with martin. but well. that's not the point now but i'll get to that later.
it's freaking irritating me. i wanna chop it off and mould it. put the fake one on and cook the real one!!!

aights. nevermind.

about martin.
you'd have realised that although i keep bitching about him and telling you guys the thousand things i didn't and don't understand, i am STILL talking about him. it's inconsistent with the way i treat expired friendships. most of the time i'm lazy enough to get em chucked behind my head. but this is one particular friend who made me feel all bewildered about what a person i truly am.

that day he messaged me to ask how things are going for me.
i told him i'm looking for a permanent job.
so he asked why permanent.
and i told him i'm gonna be working cuz i don't have enough money to go private.
and he said i could get a bond.
well. i don't know much about bonds. i don't have any friends who've gotten it. a "bond" to a jc kid stands for a scholarship of sorts. i'm no high flyer and i believe he knows about it. i mean. c'mon. i couldn't even get into nus.
and following that, he said something that infuriated me beyond belief.
he told me working was a good way but...

"the problem is you spend too much."

who the fuck is he to judge me.
i mean. yes i still spend too much but i've been cutting down ALOT.
who's a friend who refused to communicate with me two years ago to comment on my life now. what DOES he know about my life.
i believe he doesn't even know my boyfriend's name.

HELLO???
i mean. he's so judgemental. and he said I was the one when we were still in quarreling terms.
i don't get it. he sees the wrong in everyone. he scrutinises on every lil thing other people do.
when he's never thought of sparing some time to look at himself.
i have never had the wish of criticising/demeaning/trashing him out verbally. but now i have to. cuz. i hate people who pass comments on me, and well, anything when they don't have enough knowledge about it. it's fucking embarrassing. and it makes me feel like he's just always waiting for me to do something for him to condemn upon.
i might not know what's the best for me now. but i still am in control of what i am doing. i refused to reply him after that message.

he thinks that everything's so easy? i mean. i think he's a scholar.

how would he know how it feels to be a fallen elitist. for the whole of my study life we have been psyched to think that. we're gonna go uni. if you don't go uni. no. you don't even think about not getting into the uni. you have to. cuz you'll fall into a blank space called nothing if you don't. but you shouldn't even be thinking about not getting in. you will get in. cuz you have to. hence you will.

wellwell.
i'm waiting for sasa's call. i'm all jittery. i hope i get the job. but after this string of failure and disappointments, i've learnt to pad myself up with some preparation for rejection.

and my digicam is still comatose.
Friday, July 9, 2004, 10:47 a.m.

i need an ink cartridge.
enough said. cuz my resume's in soft copy and my colour cartridge's empty. can someone please tell epson that. THEY SHOULD MAKE PRINTERS STILL WORK WHEN THERE'S ONLY BLACK INK LEFT! THEY'RE SEPARATE CARTRIDGES!
well. as i try to coax myself into accepting my digi's death (i have been picking up every few hours, switching it on, sliding the lens cover open and close in an alternate gentle-violent pattern.) i have been scandulously surfing the web for new digis. i mean. i don't have much faith in getting my digi repaired.

my brother's heading back from the airport now. he doesn't know about my industrial. wanted to go fetch him but the lack of communication, speculatively motivated by an unexplainable sense of embarrassment on his part (since he has ALL his peers there and asking a lil sis to go fetch him would sound like he's a momma's boy and i'm the representative escort.) and my own pure laziness has stuck my ass on the com seat. well. this is prolly one of the last few times i get to chat endlessly. or. blog mindlessly.
tha reminds me. i can't have late night conversations anymore. that's freaking sad. all my friends are nocturnal or too insane to live in the day.
and. so. yeah. well...
the interview later. i better get my ass going. i need to print out my resume and photocopy my docs.
AND GET A BLACK FOLDER! DAMN!
Monday, June 7, 2004, 12:57 p.m.

The Silence Sings The Guilt To Me
Silence stills the blood in my veins
And thickens to freeze the only desire for action.
Silence, its stillness, I can’t defy,
For now the blood crawls in pain like a leech.

In your crimson immodesty and newfound glory,
I am immersed in immense dejection and imploration.
For a chance that was destined such believably mine,
Was lost in all foolish pride and conceit.

Silent, for all words have been spoken.
The aged and wise have resigned from all semblance of hope
And the clamour calmed by their own restless fatigue.
While slumber is their artful escape,

The silence sings the guilt to me.
Monday, June 7, 2004, 02:24 a.m.

sweet adieu, my beloved digicam.
it's. gone.
i still have it. but it's perpetually telling me to open up the lens cover regardless is it shut, opened, closed, ajar, whatever.
well.
i don't know. it's kinda sad. and i realised new digicams don't use the memory cards i have anymore. it's kinda sad. really.
imma call fujifilm up to see what can become of my digicam.
and i'm thinking of what to get if my current really dies.
4.1megapix? optical zoom? well. i just want something cheap and modest.
and small.
i'm not greedy, really. 3.0megapix is more than enough for me.
and if there's a really cheap 2.0 one. like. $100 cheap, i'd get it.
i just wanna continue camwhoring.
at least it made me proud before it's become invalid. i love the pictures i took yesterday.
you have made me proud digi. really proud. for a 2.0megapixel 2.5digitalzoom camera, you've served me more than you possibly could.

interview tomorrow. wonder what i should wear. hmmm.
and the place's near ZOUK. like. OVER THE BRIDGE kinda near.
and it means i can literally WALK to mohamed sultan from there.
wooooaaahhh.
i hope i get a job.
i need it.
FOR A NEW DIGICAM!

my friend just said the red lipstick's over the top. another friend on msn second-ed it.
really?
Sunday, June 6, 2004, 11:39 p.m.

da sluttiest pictures!
by special request.

five for fighting. and a bug beside the monitor screen.
and now the bug's on the SCREEN. well.

listening to Superman makes me cry.
and i cant upload my pictures on friendster. damn.
i got called up for a job interview at sasa. and i hope i'd get it. or i might just go work at norman's place.
they're always wanting people.
i don't know.
i hope the pictures don't scare you guys or anything.
they're freaking BIG and CLEAR and everything.

taking picture's cool.
at least i felt good for a while.

and i'm returning back to my. sleep at three. wakeup at 10 regime. i realised i'm made for it. cuz whenever i don't need to work or anything. it's how my body works.
maybe there's a lil imp inside me. dressed in pink with red lipstick with a purple bullet vibrator.
maybe.
Sunday, June 6, 2004, 01:57 a.m.

red lippie, oh slutty!
this would be the most. well. i guess. provocative series of pictures i've taken. i don't know why. but i just felt like putting on red lipstick and all. there's a picture that's a little blur. the one that's the most probable appear on "Your Sexual Fantasy Weekly: School Teacher Dominatrix". it's kinda fun. it's always fun to me. well. yeah!

and the last one that looks like a ghost caught on tape.

dictionary.com
do you guys know that i can spend an hour surfing dictionary.com? out of sheer fascination and vocabulary-ry entertainment, i can SURF on dictionary.com.
shows my linguistic capabilities eh. i mean. to be gawking at so many new funky words.

well. while my mind works itself a storyline, i shall be starting to read the dictionary for the 52567115456177th time in my life.
i used to read my Business' Development Manager's Reader's Digest dictionary in the office.
i liked the letter P. it had cool words like placebo, plethora, pandora...
talking about p... (which teleports my mind to the pe section for penis.) my cousin told me last time that she went to check the word sex and was utterly amused.
for a while as a primary school kid i thought the dictionary was pornographic.
i went to check mine and there was nothing exciting about the intepretation.
i hated myself for not asking my cousin who the publisher of her dictionary was cuz mine surely was boring.
and i envied her for owning that explicit dictionary.
years later. i stumbled upon a softcore video tape.
and years later, i'm into gay, lesbian, pre teen, mature, outdoor, indoor, bondage, roleplaying and of course, multi-national porn.

i wouldn't say i was particularly curious.
my mind rationalised things out. and i'm not shy to say that the first image of a couple having sex in my mind was.
my favourite.
CUNNILINGUS!
how cool's that.
and when i found out more i wasn't "wow-ing". i was just like. "more?"

it's kinda weird when your close pal tries to tell you this porn flick he watched that he found darn entertaining.
and you tell him. "yeah, i watched that one before. the guy walked away after sex right? and there were chinese subtitles."

he was both shocked and well. i guess, impressed. by my huge porn archive.
but i have to tell you that.
PORN FLICKS ARE LIKE CONDOMS. USE THEM ONCE AND THROW THEM AWAY.
unless there are some particular reason that motivates me to revisit the file.

so well. what was i saying?
oh yah.

i'm planning to write a couple of short stories. cuz i've never finished a long novel. and i'm starting to doubt my literary stamina and. well. attention span.
so...

i wouldn't tell you to anticipate. but.
i'll prolly be posting it up online, considering my egotistical narcissistic streak.
so. be prepared to be bugged by my kind cajoling to read my work.
hahahahhaha.
ok. my phone's beeping and barney's lying outside at the table next to the main door.
i'm gonna be off.
prolly going to read. i might be going to watch spiderman with lynn and lionel (norman's brother and his girlfriend.) and norman. well. yeah. i wanna watch it badly actually.

i spent today bulldozing thru Smoke And Mirrors like i used to rush my lit texts thru. at norman's place.
but the difference's that. i was enjoying it. and every word velcroed itself onto my brain.
he was playing his xbox. we've made a pact that he'll be coming over to my place for four weekends.
cuz... i've been dropping by his place pretty often these days.

and i have learnt to be not an overbearing, oversensitive, overreacting girlfriend. i've learnt many things these few months. and i realised my hormones are less heretic now.
but i've got pimples. so what does it say? the hormones aren't working? or is it that. I'M SO FREAKING HORNY MY ANDROGEN LEVEL REFUSES TO GO DOWN???
ok. nevermind.
we sat almost silently with occasional booms and bangs from his game. lynn and lionel were around too.
and i watched lynn piece the jigsaw herself silently at the side while i read my book and i realised there's nothing wrong with doing your own stuff when you're with your partner.
how often does he get to play the games.
and... he's told me many times that. it's not where or what that matters. it's who he is with that makes a difference.
he said that again when i wanted him to come over today. actually. he was supposed to drop by my place.
and i went over. at first i felt like. hey. you're playing me out.
but later i felt that. it didn't make a difference. i mean. just more effort to travel on my part.
i'm still gonna meet him.

i learnt this the hard way.
whatever it takes to see my loverboy.
Friday, June 4, 2004, 12:26 a.m.

le grande massacre -
of all hopes to further any formal, intellectual discipline.

shall be going over to norman's place. my mom was telling me not to go meet him today. ahaha! wanted me to go haircutting with her when my long split-ended strands refuse to be trimmed with utmost recalcitrance.
well. i'm still going over. cuz i can barely get to meet norman on weekdays with him working ot and everything.
my brother bought a pair of 501 in INDIA!!!
so yeah. i shall be off.

my whole. respiratory system is cocking itself up. yikes.
my nose is. suspiciously cancerous.
my throat is. perpetually sore.
i'm sneezing too much.
i've got to go now. well. i'm happy! i realised short stories really get me going.
weeee.
Thursday, June 3, 2004, 11:16 a.m.

the answer.
i've been more bewildered than i've ever been these days.
i suddenly got a grip of myself last night. my head was flooded with words. they might have been nonsensical but they were coming as such an influx that i didn't mind whether they were insane or inane. i enjoyed it. it felt good. like you're being picked up by butterflies and you can feel wind on your eyelashes. and in that picture, i'll be photoshopped to be slimmer, unblemished with big eyes and a glossy pout.
it suddenly feels refreshing typing on my blog. and i suddenly feel like. writing.
and guess who did this to me.

NEIL GAIMAN.

as i stared into his face on the other side of the novel's cover, i began to contemplate the possibility of the picture being horrendously outdated.
then i started to think about how. time can pass so fast.
and how the picture looked timeless.
the narrator's voice was one of a 20+ year old young lad. the voice that befitted the agreeably good looking face. and it switched into a deeper, duller, more. i'd say. unconventional if not heretic voice and tone. he would have grown up/matured. but he's still writing the same.
and suddenly literature struck me as a timeless obsession.
and i realised that no matter what i'll be venturing into in life, literature will always be there, filling in the voids within me, seeping through the open gaps left carelessly more than absent-mindedly.
that no matter where life's gonna take me, i can still live that little dream of mine.
on weekends at expensive dinners in sarah-jessica-parker-like clothes and behave like a socialite in sluthood sodality.
and be enthralled by endless amounts of adoration and affection.

a little escapism in mundanity. it's true not everyone lives their dreams. not everyone gets a job that interests them. but occupation doesn't have to be a preoccupation.
and you can still pursue what you wanna do.

ladies and gentlemen, this is what 50 pages of Neil Gaiman in the wee hours of a beautiful saturday did to JOANNA.

and saddam looks like he's lost weight. weight loss always excites me.
Wednesday, June 2, 2004, 12:43 p.m.

makeover!!!
as i stared lovingly into the previous tongue picture i posted, i realised the pathetic lack of clarity.
or life. since it looked like a picture from great o heavens with all the cloud and fog.
well. it's reborn!

toothache.
i don't understand why my titles never cohere with my blog entry.
but it doesn't mean they ain't true. i AM having a toothache. when i thought miss dentist joanna had diagnosed me with a loose tooth filling, the other side's hurting too.
now she says it's the wisdom tooth. or teeth.
the last time i visited the dentist, all four were peeping out to look at my beautiful tongue.
and talking about tongues.

my fine beau.
it's great being able to commit at least 3 of the 7 sins everytime i see ya! and your new profile's great.

before i proclaim my vast amount of affection for you. cyan's my official colour now.

thank you so much for being around this anal time for me where i've exhibited all the childish wilful-fickled-minded-ness in the world. thanks for the high tolerance. and the sweet things you've done. intangible as they are, i'll never forget them. and i know i always get into these depressed oh-so-drama phases and they're really eeeky. everytime i snap, i know you're not feeling any much better than me. it's a period of my life i never anticipated. and i'm grateful i have you here. cuz you're the face that holds me back from whatever could do the worst to me.

it must have been tiring for you to be with me throughout the most treacherous times of my life this past year. you've done for me more than what i could have for you. norman, i love you. and.

"karate concha!"

ooops. <3<3

hehehehehehehehehe.
Tuesday, June 1, 2004, 02:24 a.m.

Plan B.
the problem's that. i never had a plan b.
i was never taught to have a plan b.
it was always. "just make it. don't question."
sounds a little. dumb but.
it's true. all my life.
all my fucking life.
make it joanna. don't let us down.
they brought me sky diving without teaching me to parachute.
and if the earth would absorb a scum like me.
i won't be feeling as if i splat myself on the hard ground feeling my insides on the outside.

i'm more than mistaken.
i'm more than lost.

maybe my mom's right. i am immature.
i don't have a clear head. i'm jumping on every wagon i see.
i don't know. maybe i've never been prepared for this.
and the lots.
what did they mean.
tell me.
and i believed you.
and i did.

when i was going to devise a plan b.
you told me plan a was on it's way.
or maybe i took it wrongly.
but now plan a's failed me.

well. nevermind. it's not the first time. and i heave a heavy sigh and thus commence.

I EMAILED MY RESUME TO SASA!!!
cool. they want EVERYTHING that i am. marketing assistant. prolly not offering a very high pay but it's an interesting industry.
well. it's freaking interesting to me!
i hope this works.
we'll see.

MY PLAN B! PLAN B!

i'm hardly writing any poetry now. sheesh.
i'm not even blogging enough.

a: hey how have you been.
b: not well.
a: unwell?
b: well. but. not well enough.
a: am i stupid?
b: i'm not well. get it?
a: so i am stupid.
b: no you're not. you're just not well like me.
a: i feel sick.
b: so you're unwell.
a: i guess so. what's the difference?
b: have you been feeling nauseatic?
a: yes.
b: feeling fat?
a: yes.
b: you're pregnant!
a: i'm fallen.
b: oh i'm sorry. welcome to motherhood!
a: i wouldn't want a child like myself
b: why? who? what child.
a: i'll be like my mom.
b: what child?
a: you said pregnant.
b: oh. what's the synonym of burden?
a: us.
b: i'm serious.
a: you're as stupid as me.
b: i'm just poor in vocabulary.
a: what's 19 times 6.
b: why would you multiply your birthdates?
a: you're poor in math too. and when you've always thought you're inquisitive and thoughtful, you think about useless questions. you've missed the point.
b: that was a hell long sentence.
a: not long enough to demean you.
b: yeah. i've heard longer.
a: what did you do with them.
b: start crying by the tenth word.
a: really. is that your tactic?
b: it's their tactic.
a: to what?
b: talk trash after "You've disappointed me so much. You're such an awful disgrace.".
a: my love, have you been on drugs.
b: i'm so intoxicated with you.
a: enough! are you alright?
b: i'm ok.
a: you're unwell?
b: i'm ok.
a: you just said you aren't.
b: cuz you're starting to sound like everyone else.
a places her hand before her mouth and starts pronouncing vowels.
a: no i don't sound like everyone else.
b: someone please get me outta here.
a: to where?
b: i don't know.
a: well. you can stay with me.
b: where?
a: i don't know.
b: don't repeat my words. you know how much i hate to be common.
a: you hate people repeating theirs too.
b: yeah.
a: you've disappointed me so much. you're such an awful disgrace.
b: thanks.
a: i'm trying to get you accustomed.
b: stop it!
a: grow up.
b: stop it!
a: you're so naive.
b: stop it!
a: you should have worked harder. you were so lazy. you're not fit for studies. you're...
b: me.
a: i don't understand you.
b: i know.
a: i'm not you.
b: you've never understood me.
a: i do. i always have.
b: no.
a reduces into a weeping figure.
b: get out of here.
a: no.
b: get out.
a: you'll crumble.
b: will it hurt?
a: you won't be you.
b: is that you?
a: yes.
b: i love you.
a: i love you more.
b: why.
a: cuz i am me.
b: cuz i am you.
a: you've disappointed me so much. you're such an awful disgrace.
b: you were pregnant?
a: you are a burden.
Tuesday, June 1, 2004, 12:28 a.m.

my nerd specs ooo nerd specs.
the swelling on my ear has gone down and it now allows the specs to fit comfortably on my ears!
i feel rather pukish at the moment. my gastric aint good andi just ate dumplings.
stayed over at norman's place last night WITH PARENTAL CONSENT. we went out this morning. had macs brekkie. watched two movies. had popcorn and candy. it felt great. norman's the best.

while i cut my lovey dovey jargon.
i've decided to go to the library tomorrow. after lunch with jasmine. and then i have to go down to meet florence at 4pm for china jump. oh dear. no monaye. dead.
i have to check with china jump themselves for the existence of a promotional discount card. if it's non-existent, i'm screwed.
wellwell.
i can have my ostrich steak!

aights. i shall go spread my bedsheets and prepare talking to norman.
dumdee.
Friday, May 28, 2004, 10:44 p.m.

dumdee.
i'm at norman's place and imma stay over tonight.
being jobless has it's bright side.
well. norman decided to take leave. i think cuz he's darned tired after his reservist... and since i've quit and have more than all the time in the world, it's a great time to hang out together.

i'm starting to miss pestbusters. really. i went to the corporate website just now and i felt like. if it weren't for the pay, i'd have stayed.
really. no joke. but. they're offering me something i can't survive on.

wellwell. i think i should scrap the idea of getting a new mobile phone since i've got such a darling now.
and i have to stop spending money. one great area to save money on is.

FOOD.

serious. i shall be cutting down on spendthrift cafe trips and yada. no sugar, less carbo, more vege, moderate meat.
i'm on this weight loss craze.
well i forgot to bring my digicam yesterday to my greatest regret. prasad brought me out for dinner. i'll show you guys the presents soon.
we went to Samar Cafe around arab street. great food. wonderful ambience and a really cute waitress called nadia/nadya.
then we went to marmalade pantry for the ever sinful sticky date!
then we went alley bar to wish adriel happy birthday and say hi to adri and adriel's friends kester and terry (if i hadnt gotten them wrong).
then we went to hideout at boatquay. sat down, had drinks. talked to the OWNER. he said he'd pass me his namecard but he didn't. well. whatever.
so yeah. i'm quite apprehensive about going hideout again.
and i need to cut down on the night life. i've got 3 pimples!
this is blasphemous.
badbadbad. must be all the toxic fumes and intoxicating alcohol. shit. shit. i wanna be a nerd again.
when my pimples disappear, i'll take pictures all over again!
funfunfun!
su's going away already.
i need to get some shots of her and exercise my china jump discount card.
BLIMEY!
ok i'll go off to watch gilmore's.
Sunday, June 27, 2004, 05:45 p.m.

i've quit!
oh yes i have. tendered my resignation this morning to daniel. they wanted me to stay till they find a new girl and everything. i would. if they weren't pressing me for the company brochure.
there are many reasons why i don't wanna embark on the brochure.
for one. i'm not getting any incentives outta it. i'm a very protective person over my own efforts and when people criticise it badly, i flip. the only thing that can stop me from jumping at anyone who starts bombarding me with criticism is monetary gains. if it's an FOC favour, i don't think it's exactly nice to condemn people's work.
and i doubt they'll know how to appreciate it. it's prolly gonna be very different from their preconceived idea. the most ironic thing's that. they told me to do whatever i want. but the problem's that. i don't know that much about the company. and i don't know what they're looking for. or trying to sell. no guidelines. and i'll screw up. and since i'm gonna leave anyway, why do them this favour?
cuz if you're into designing, you should know that an artpiece is not about an hour or two. it's about days and computer hogging for hours till your eyes tear and try to fidget themselves outta your sockets. yeah. so i don't think they're that... well. worthy. since i'm leaving. i don't have to prove myself to be a graphics designer.

wellwell. i'm going down mohamed sultan today cuz Angel Reborn is having a liquid buffet and for the first time, it's having a HIPHOP and R&B night! how cool's that. it's so much better than the mindlessly thumping techno stuff.
on top of that, its only gonna be 15 bucks. jasmine's friend's the bouncer so...
yeah. hmmm. we're most prolly gonna pay. but...
no comments.

i typed the entry about the whole i'm gonna do a drastic thing last night as i was typing my resignation letter. it actually sounded quite good. well. i'm an A-level lit student. i shouldn't have problem redeeming myself a little with words.
it's after lunch. and i've got to say that i have quite a number of things to complete.
the technician colleagues that i've broken the news to are all shocked. well. today's my last day. hah.
this is one thing i have done for myself as a 19 year old. for myself. and encouraged by my mom, dad and boyfriend. i've got a good feeling about my quitting the job.

Friday, June 25, 2004, 01:55 p.m.

staccato.
refined dreams
of the poet

burning
in rice paper lanterns

fuming a warm
atmosphere of discomfort

yet she sits
silently
with a head of questions.

I might do something really drastic tomorrow.
Just you wait.

Sometimes I take people for granted.

Sometimes well, vice versa.

But don't tell me it's only right.

When I'm guilty when I use you like a canine.


Don't use me for granted. For though I'm puerile and unintelligent most of my life, I know it when it's in notes and figures.

my breath staggers like a staccato. well you might say. intense. and. ultimately, exciting and entertaining.
how well i amuse myself, i surprise thee as well.
Monday, May 24, 2004, 11:20 p.m.

hello my old, so kindred.
i actually didn't feel like coming to work this morning. told my mom about it. i woke up late. my mobile phone's at the care centre. and crap. i don't know. i feel. patchy. or. staggered. or... i don't know. just incoherent.
so i'm gonna get my handphone back. norman asked me why didn't i go ungrade the software. seriously, i don't know.
well. so that's it. oh. and i bought lotsalotsa lingerie yesterday. they were so freaking cheap.
gonna get more today. woots.
and i'm pretty interested in the pink bag i saw yesterday.
i feel darn tired. i feel for macaroni cheese. i'm feeling a lot of things. i wanna continue studying.
i feel guilty.
it's gonna end, is it?
i won't let you down.

i've resoluted myself to stop clubbing and smoking. it's just not. me.
it all feels blur now. who am i really. what kinda person. i don't know much. but i know i'm still learning to say "NO".
norman always says i succumb to temptations and cajoling too easily.
i wanna live my norman-centric days again. sleep early on saturdays to meet him early sunday morning. cook for him. yada.
i lived that for a whole year. and suddenly i've turned to this compulsive clubber.
prolly cuz in the past i didn't have much clubbing company. to think about it. life before norman was just coffee with girlfriends and weird dates that never furthered themselves.
so a few things i wanna do for myself.

1) lose weight. (as ever.)
2) feel less obliged to offers.
3) feel more indifferent to criticisms.
4) find fun things to do with norman.
5) save money.
6) empathise and internalise.

i don't know. please. help.
Thursday, June 24, 2004, 02:10 p.m.

cory my cory
it's great to see how cory has gotten used to me. yesterday after taking a warm hot shower and pampering him with a hot cotton bath, he moved for the first time!

no i can move the bellbar thru my cartilage with graceful ease!
it's orgasmic seeing how the balls move. i mean. the bells on the bar.
and the top piercing is less painful now. prolly cuz i've made it less tight and it's aiding it's healing!
and as i move the bell bar left and right like a skewer thru a kebab, i managed to turn it too!
blimey!

well i guess that's what's keeping me going. i've got a terrible sore throat. terrible headache. and jasmine's on mc today. i'd feel evil and useless at the same time if i skipped work today cuz taking an mc incurs a monetary cost of around sixty bucks!
and i might be meeting mom later today to get my handphone repaired at nokia care centre at century square.
which means i'm gonna be im-mobile for a few days since... it'd be shamelessly violated by weird techies at the care centre.
it's only for your own good o beloved handphone.
i wanna get x66 or x70. bah. while keeping my 6610 i'm such a slut.

talking about being a slut.
i've decided to lose weight and get an epilator cuz i wanna be a bigger slut than i already am. haha. it's. all good. but i ain't got the money. gonna do some serious survey first.
and i'm thinking of getting a labret. but my workplace aint gonna be happy. and a tongue piercing. uh. i cann'tt take coffee and alcohol for a good couple of weeks.
WHAT???!
no way.
i'm drowning myself in lozenges. heeellllppp.

i love cory. wooots.
and i'm gonna get him a partner soon.
nus please accept me. i wanna get more piercings. i can't have it at work. please. please.
or maybe. MAYBE i should lose weight and get a belly piercing. hahaha. but that's fucking common.
dumdee.
i'm feeling rather lethargic. but i don't have the courage to take coffee cuz it's gonna slaughter my throat.
well.
i'm gonna be having dinner with prasad this weekend. should be rad with lotsa pic taking. beware!
Wednesday, June 23, 2004, 01:18 p.m.

new layout.
coming soon. patience.

i've half-discarded my homepage creating ambition.
and that explains the creation of a new layout. but. i don't know. still in thought.

well. my colleague's gonna vacuum the office again. oh noooooooooooo.

i'm gonna keep this page still. but i realised i've got a few pages lost. shall archive em. my janathema generations shall be documented and stored in this capacious webspace.
as a faithful pitasian, i shall continue using http://janathema.pitas.com as the index page even if i'm gonna make a homepage.
yeahhhh. i'm kinda crazy about webpages. and layouts come to me in momentary spurs.
yes!!! i completed to basic template already. just trying to make it really funny.
and i'm going to resolute myself to become a BIGGER camwhore than i already am and turn fucking exhibitionist in my blog. ie. more pics. and as much textual jargon.
i won't take pictures of me having sex. or topless. cuz before that, i'll need you guys to donate generously for my boobjob, tummy tuck and butt-cellulite removal.
i heard on the radio this morning that there's this plastic surgeons who now puts titanium inserts for implants to prevent sagging.
but titanium... is quite. unmalleable right? so... will it stick out like how underwires cut their way through my bras to redden my beloved fair skin?
way too much information.
i realised i need to get a heavily padded/push up bra. the ones i have are so. mediocre.
there there.
while doing my routinal self-reflection, i've decided that i should STOP clubbing soon. too much distraction. too many temptations.
i'm more addicted to caffeine than ever now. as in. big time. hardcore.
the remnants of nicotine in my blood drilled within me for more. fuck you! fuck you! i'm not gonna smoke. NO!
i'm wondering whether i should continue taking diane-35.

why i wanna stop.
1) it's bloody expensive.
2) it's killing my libido.
3) it's tedious to take it daily.
4) it's causing my emotional updowns.
5) it's increasing my risks of getting heart problems when i smoke.

why i wanna continue.
1) it's doing great for my skin. like CLEAR CLEAR CLEAR great.
2) it's regulating my menstrual cycle.
3) it's a contraceptive. i mean. i'd never know when i'd really need birth control right? things are always so outta hand these days. i mean. in my LIFE! shit i'm making things worse. blimey!

alright. i don't know. i don't freaking know!

i'm going to repair my 6610 tomorrow instead. cuz today i've gotta drop by my uncle's place. dumpling o fest!

dumdee. i'm falling ill. my throat's sore. my body's weak. norman's having reservist.
prrrf.

i'm feeling oh so fucking high now!
Tuesday, June 22, 2004, 05:14 p.m.

lethargy
i fell asleep at my reception desk. went to the loo and fell asleep with my ass stuck onto the toilet bowl.
I AM TIRED. and i don't wanna work. that means i can never everr work. cuz i'm lazy. sleepy. and lack the motivation to even kill an ant.
yes. i am such slum. sometimes i wonder why i'm still sanely alive.
thought i feel so insanely dead. prrrf.
i was thinking of rushing back home, taking a nice shower before zonking out to slumber land.
gonna go repair my mobile phone tomorrow at tampines. gotta find my warranty card.
i'm so fucking tired. help me.

fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck.
Monday, June 21, 2004, 03:50 p.m.

i hate my tummy.
don't be surprised. cuz the title's nothing more than a morning thought when i was trying to pick out clothes to wear and isn't gonna appear in this blog entry hitherto.
so saturday was my birthday. wore my new halter. went to sizzler and almost burst my halter. well. it turned out more to be like a corset.
so i went down to ms.
then my colleaague deejay wasn't around. he called me last night to tell me that he got hauled to tanglin police station cuz his friend was a awol-er.
i was really pissed off cuz the door bitch at coyote didn't let me in when the previous girl (who is ironically so much prettier) was nicer and let me pass cuz i look older than 21. (i look auntie!)
and angel played trashy music. not my kinda place. was kinda freaked out so shai brought us to hideout at boat quay.
khaidir came later.
hideout was all plush and comfy. but a lil warm. hmmm.
had quite a wild night.
and khaidir set us home one by one. i was the last one and by that time the nocturne in me has been switched on to its peak. and i was wide awake. so we sat down and talked a lil. since i was so freaking. unsleepy.
and he sent me back. so yeah.
so sarizan called me last night to explain everything cuz he knows that i'd be really pissed off.
after all the cursing and swearing at him, i felt that it was genuinely not his fault. and we talked a lil. (wahhh. i'm always talking right.) and i got to know more about him.
and as usual. the good girl image was foiled. quite some technicians know that by now. and it's ok. cuz. i like the way i am. and i'm totally bored with this good girl facade. cuz i'm so fucking ungood.
i've got so many flaws. i social-smoke. i drink. i curse. and i'm horny.
*yawns*
the colleague who called me up last night saw me taking attendance and he told me not to act busy. i'm not! i usually leave that to the afternoon!
just kidding.
Monday, June 21, 2004, 10:56 a.m.

a name for my industrial.
having decided to give my industrial piercing a name, i now have to come up with a, well. name.

i thought of layla, laney, janna. but suddenly i feel like giving it a guy's name. (oh yeah. that reminds me to name my dildo.)

so... it shall be... cory.
i love this name!
*drools*.

anyway. cory's been giving me lotsa problems swelling and whatever shit.
but it's ok. cuz i'm treating him good.

i signed on the condolence sheet for rudy. i wrote,

Rudy,
We're gonna miss you so much. Well, we already do.
Joanna

yesterday was my day out with norman. opened a bank account. went back to school to get my As cert. norman got me a necklace... i'll show it to ya some day. and a bracelet going for 15 bucks at perlini's. well. norman and i got one for each other.
and we went kuishin-bo at suntec. heavens. it was heavens!
and we almost fell asleep in the middle of harry potter. a lil disappointed. hermione isn't cute anymore... gimme back my hermione!!!
ron and harry still look gorrgeous. heh.
enough of my pedophilia.

anyway, i've decided to get the vidal sassoon curler. yeah!
and my dad just gave me his 6610 in exchange for my 8310. well. i'm going to go down to nokia care someday soon cuz his keypad's screwed...
so yeah. now i've got a new phone!

going sizzler to have dinner this evening... wondering whether i should head down to coyote.
well... i don't know.

what i need to do.

get curler.
try curling.
paint my nails.
cut my toenails.
trim my eyebrows.
viola!!! oh...
and...
pack my room.

should i go coyote? i feel kinda spent tho.
helppppppppp.
life's always good with mms.
yeah!!! norman's so cute on my mobile wallpaper. *grins*
he sent me back to sengkang last night. and i met my mom at the bus booth home most coincidentally!
he's been so sweeeet.

btw. i had my birthday cake cut this 12 midnight.
and i had my hardboiled eggs peeled this morning.

my gregorian and lunar birthdates coincide this year! i'm sooooo happy i was having this rosy glow. my colleague said "your blusher's nice." and can you believe it? it came from a guy! cool!!!

i'm starting to love the world more. and more.
well. since i can't find any reason to hate it anymore!
Saturday, June 19, 2004, 12:39 p.m.

yahoo!
prolly cuz of the new gmail thing that's coming up. yahoo has decided to upgrade itself for some inevitable competition.
now i've got 100mb of storage and i don't have to sulk about having to delete mails once i read em cuz the capacity is always in red.
so cool!
and i called hp just now. i was right! the whisky and jasmine rea and the knocking caused the swelling. not an infection!
weee. i told you i was taking care of it.
everyone's coming to terms with his death.
and i might be meeting prasad later this evening. but i told him i'm dressed rather whateverly.
well. at least i'm wearing a new top!!!
haha. i'm so darn bloody full. zzz.
norman said he bought me a present!
=D
happy birthday soon joanna!
Thursday, June 17, 2004, 02:10 p.m.

plummet
it is one of the few moments of my life that i'd wish to feel my tongue against my hard pellet and letting my front teeth bite on my inner lip.
this morning i woke up remembering the date i made with prasad. called his mobile phone and it was out of service. and i started worrying. what if something had happened to him.
tho the date wasnt confirmed, i decided to wear my new top anyway.
i called him in the office at his place and his mom told me he lost his handphone. i left my number with her. prasad's feeling very low. he's even cancelled pre arranged dates and whatsoever.
so i took a bus. called norman late in the morning cuz i've been getting so lazy. and went to work.
when i was at the bus stop. jasmine called.

jas: i tell you something really shocking.
jo: what?
jas: it's really very shocking.
jo: ok...
jas: (the name of our colleague) died in a car accident this morning.
jo: what? this morning? on his way to work? night job? where?
jas: i don't know. along aye.
jo: i heard it on the radio i think. the jam...
jas: ya.
jo: so wasted. and he just vomitted blood that day. but dying in an accident is so. wasted. and he's so bia all the time.
jas: don't like that. you're making me cry.

the next five minutes or so as i was trying to cross the road, we went on and on about the amount of shock. and the ignorance to dealing with it.

jo: my leg's feel weak. i feel weird.

it's such a waste. and it's so sudden. i saw him in the office. he's the kind who seldom walks up to you smile and shake hands with you (our company policy). so yesterday we walked pass each other without shaking hands. i always initiated. but yesterday i was in a rush on top of being in a weird spent mood.
i didn't shake his hand. the first time and the last time. i didn't. shake his hand.
it wouldn't have made a difference to him. but. it's like. i regret. not. saying hi to him and stuff. when i always did.
he's gone.
i havent had anyone leave me like that. not anyone of influential proximity.

oh dear.

my industrial piercing is throbbing. gonna call hp up later and ask her about it. whether is it getting infected or whatever.

it's a bad day.
Thursday, June 17, 2004, 10:51 a.m.

office function.
last evening was the sgm. they've got the birthday wishes thing and i was the only girl outta the 12 june babies.
there's something linking me to geminis. most of the few people i actually talk to in the office (ie. technicians) were on stage with me. even jasmine's a gemini. so we're all twins.
well. i didn't get to eat the cake cuz they more than devoured it. we had this dinner thing at serangoon jumbo. the dinner ended at 12 midnight. everyone went a lil ditsy (i was the soberest there since i was barred from alcohol from my doctor who gave me this medication last week.) and we started playing with water in the restaurant suite. shouting to the booming karaoke. and throwing ice all around the place. when plai water supply got exhausted, we started pouring whisky and jasmine tea. i got all of em. i was pretty save for quite some time before they realised how dry i was. so. yeah. ended up smelling worse than cigarettes on saturday nights.
and then my sales director sent me back. before that when we were giving goodbye hugs (yeah... talk about middle aged men.) he was whispering to me in the ear that he wants me to stay and in some weird promiscuous language, that he wants me to assist him. cuz he's in the department that i'd get possibly promoted to.
yeah. so that was it. and everything should be fine. i hope.
norman and i sorta. quarrelled again last night over nothing. and he told me that he actually had to ot all week to celebrate my birthday. i was so touched. and that came when i was so frustrated. and i just. melted. and i started telling him how touched i am. and we agreed that there was nothing to quarrel about.
i don't really know whether it's gonna be okay and all. and i told him i lost the mood to celebrate my birthday. cuz of the trouble. and how. we're gonna eat with his brother and his girlfriend after all.
i have nothing against that. just that i expected us to spend it alone. but he said we could go on separate ways after. somehow. i feel like this evil witch to them. tthe troublesome cumbersome moodswinging bitch who is difficult to please. well. no. i just feel uncomfortable with the way they behave. so much of me being a slut, i'm not that into pda. neither is norman. that's why.
i don't know. i prolly can come to terms with that. or else. i'll just get intimate with norman in public!
hurhur.
aights. my industrial was hurting. i ate baby squids yesterday. ahhh. i don't know. die. i'm so freaking greeedy!
so the coyote list. jasmine farhan khaidir sarizan. i dont know who else to ask along. i mean. what if they don't click right. i've gone clubbing with them before and i know they're ok. so it's ok. haha. i don't know who else to ask along. i'm not that close to that many colleagues.
i woke up late. took a cab to work. totally shacked. totally broke. that reminds me. it's gonna be father's day.
ahhhhhhhh.
and linda's birthday.
ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
oh dear. oh dear.
please heal industrial please heal.
Wednesday, June 16, 2004, 10:17 a.m.

my solution to puffy eyes.
first i'll use my finger nails to carve out my eye lid. cuz it'd be so puffy, it'll bloat up to about hald a cm. so i'll first half it.
then. lash curler and fasio long extension mascara. tahdah!!! i'll do it for you on camera next time. if i can. well. this means to say i cried last night.
yes. had a talk with norman.
i feel sore all over. emotionally.
anyway. i've decided to stay.
maybe.. maybe... nus will accept me?
i quote from jasmine. shoes will fly.
but hell be it!
that is if they accept me.
Tuesday, June 15, 2004, 11:37 a.m.

pic editting.
together.

office rigidity.
my colleague told me that cartilage piercings aren't allowed in the office...
but... but... why???
i mean if you aren't goin to be a front line staff, you can do anything to yourself right? i don't understand.
first the heels.
then the skirts.
now piercings!
omfg.
i mean. can i tell them to get a life?
actually what's cool about returning back to school's that. i can get my labret.
but my mom will freak out. so will half my hoard of friends.
but ya know. piercing's kinda addictive.

FINALLY SOMETHING ELSE TO TALK ABOUT!

aight. so... i'm freaking happy with my piercing now. at least hp didn't crunge my ear up like some piercers.
suddenly having this wild idea to become an apprentice... under a piercer. and open a shop to do piercings full time!
woooots.
i think i'll be going down to coyote this saturday tho my menses is due. fuck.
but i have no idea what's gonna happen to me. they're all... planning something. which is bad. so bad it couldn't be worse.
and i''ll be going down to mohamed sultan after dinner with my parents.
damn what am i gonna wear? oh dear.
and what if i get there after 12? it wouldn't be my birthday anymore.
uhhhh. well...
maybe i should plan it out. 7-10 dinner with folks. 10-11+ cake cutting and chatting.
i hope i get to go ms before twelve.
bought a lighter cover for norman. initially wanted to give it to yours truly. but decided that smoking's not a good habit at all.
so i gave it to norman. it's from project shop and it's 12 bucks. my friend said i could get it cheaper elsewhere. but the thing's that. you can always find something that cheaper with no brand. but for project shop. you know everyone else is getting it for 12 bucks. there's no space for regret.
well. that's how i view things. i'm that kinda person.
anyway. went to martin's birthday thingie. and i realised how bad his health is from his friend. imma message him something concerning this. cuz tho it's like. we're in an estranged stage of friendship, i think i should still show some concern.
anyway.
bought him a 25ucks box of marks and spencer chocolate!
and i took a half day leave on friday. to go open an ocbc bank account. get my As cert from sajc. and... yeah. have dinner with norman.
so it's gonna be rushing here and there and celebrating my birthday.
shall be meeting prasad on thursday. he said he's gonna bring me to an exotic place to dine.
hmmmm.
i havent decided where to go for my birthday yet. well.
maybe riverwalk tandoor? i haven't tried that place before. was thinking of keeping it around that area. maybe... maybe i can go nanjya monjya again! have coffee at copthorne and go ms! it's all in the same area! cool!
but we just had that last month...
but it's my birthday so i get to choose right?

YESYESYES!

and about the disallowance of my office towards my ear piercing, i'll just cover it up when i have to. and quit iff they want me to remove it. cuz it's more than 10percent of my pay holy!
Monday, June 14, 2004, 11:16 a.m.

pictures.
if you don't like piercings. well. i do. my friend fears it might be the first of the many to follow. but i told him i'm only gonna mess around with my ears.
if i could get a labret. ah.
well anyway. yet again for your viewing pleasure and my divine narcissism.

INDUSTRIAL! WOOOTS!
i got my industrial piercing. like. finally. got a diagonal one. asked around for prices. the price gap was 50 bucks. i finally did mine at 90 bucks. was referred to the piercing shop at heerens by a shop at fareast. the girl was cool. called hp. she's this really decent girl with tattoo covered arms. wooah.
so i signed all that crap. and i did my piercing. the transferring part where they had to put the barbell in with the needle halfway thru the hole was a tad bit more painful. hp actually asked me why i suddenly jumped on to doing an industrial cuz it's one of the most painful and taxing in terms of maintenance. i just told her i wanted to keep it to my ears.
so. the industrial piercing needs two holes in the ear cartilage to make a skewer effect outta the barbell. it's supposed to hurt like fuck. but i thought it was ok.
and then i got on a high after i finished my piercing.
so all in all, i had to bear with the piercing feeling for 4 times with the piercing and transferring.
when she screwed on the bell, i was like. that's it? cuz the stories i heard online were always morbid.
so tah dah! i've got my industrial! only grumble's that my hair's gonna perpetually cover the piercing. you'll see me bunning my hair from now on! haha. i'm such a slut!
and i have to sleep on my left side. which i prefer a lil less than sleeping on my right. dammit.
grrr.
but i'm so happy! it's feeling alright. and it looks nice by my standards. i'm gonna take care of it. cuz it's gonna get infected easy.
i'm so fucking elated! will be posting pics of it soon.
Thursday, May 13, 2004, 10:05 a.m.

a quiz from lin's blog.
You Are an Indifferent Ex
You're not one of those girls who thinks about her exes - or even remembers them
"Love 'em and Leave 'em" is your motto. And your break ups tend to be a clean break.
It's a nice strategy to have, and guys appreciate your total lack of emotional baggage.
But just a little reminder: it is okay to remember the good parts of your past, even with exes.

pretty true actually. i don't really regret breakups. well... maybe cuz they're all bastards?
anyway. imma get my industrial today. most prolly. then going down to martin's house. for his birthday stuff. yeah. i have no idea what to get for him. i'm just excited about the piercing. woooooooots!
Saturday, June 12, 2004, 12:08 p.m.

a picture both jasmine and i took. well. you guys can finally place a picture to the name!

it's just a phase.
i hope this shall be just a phase. that eventually i'll get my life ironed out. and it'll all be ok.
the thought of night class is suddenly becoming attractive. it ain't bad to study at night is it. and if i'm gonna hold on to this receptionist job, i would be able to manage pretty well. cuz it's not exactly the most pressurizing job in the world.
but is it gonna pay enough. and what about the years to come? a degree is not a few months kinda thing.
beither is it a few hundred dollars affair.
norman called me fickle again last night cuz i thought of staying here in this company. when i said i so wanted to leave.
i'm very confused. the hr manager's gonna have a talk with me later. and he's gonna ask whether i'm going to stay or leave.
and what about my appeal.
the nails are everywhere. and i can't help but step on them.
and every decision i make isn't exactly what i want. maybe i should just lie on tthe nailbed.
maybe i should take up a makeup course. a couple thousand of dollars for that.
hmmm.
save up enough to go learn design.
i need to think about it. have a good talk with mom and everyone. i'm fucking confused. and my life from today to beyond seems a little blur.
and i'm so tired of ranting about all this. "lifey issues" in my blog. i'm fucking sick and tired. nothing contemplative at all.
i needa get outta this.

dances to daniel bedingfield's i'm gonna get thru this.

grooove it! fuck!
i'm wearing my new skirt today. =D
Thursday, June 10, 2004, 12:38 p.m.

$6 skirts as funky tube dresses.
one reason why i dont have many pictures in my blog.
i'm freaking lazy to charge my batteries. and i'm not even sure where my digicam is at the moment. period.
well...
i bought some stuff. a $13 black skirt. 2 $6 tube dresses. a $5 fakey diamond ring.
i'm more than happy. it's orgasmic!
my friends are tempting me to go coyote.
the problem is. i can't drink. for the next ten days.
and i feel that i should sorta. avoid environments conducive for smoking.
well.
i'm happy. cuz i've got new frocks to wear for my birthday. was thinking about it. i'll prolly go coyote to celebrate my birthday with my colleagues.
prasad has something installed for me. top secret.
norman has yet to disclose any plans. um. well. i'm not sure whether he has made any.
my folks are. asking me where i wanna go.

pause.

for once i've got a birthday that's fully booked!
hmmm. i kinda agree now that. what we don't achieve in life. gets compensated.
i'm freaking happy. you know what. i actually bought the clothes at the lelongish thingie. at RIVERVALE FREAKING PLAZA this afternoon while i was on my way to my favourite clinic. apparently, i'm working on my second medical record card.
so... imma be all grooovey this birthday!
i think people have been spreading the word that i'm kinda crazy in clubs.
dammit. i'm a good girl.
heh.
Saturday, May 8, 2004, 09:44 p.m.

neurotic numbness.
like i can't feel you stepping on my toes.
like i can't feel you clipping my flesh instead of my fingernails.
like i can't feel you peeling my tongue with a tongue scraper.
like i can't feel you piercing needles into my pupils.

i'll move. i'll speak. i'll figure my way in the dark. that's what my life is all about. the continuous, cyclical crash and elevations. i am too weak to awe at heights. neither am i going to diss about abyss. i have yet strength to feel angst. like a dried leaf in a windy autumn, subservience, lack of determination, flickering sense of hope. for once i feel almost absurdist. my heart feels like i'm living the winter of my life, already.

for while progression is my wish,
stagnation is bliss.

hiatus.

more than usual, i have had thoughts of leaving.
and while my system heaved itself through heavy sighs yesterday with all the weekend smoking, i suddenly felt bewildered. that. this is not the life i wanna live.
and people tell me i should accept the fact that we seldom get what we want outta life.

but why am i not getting anything at all?

maybe i am. well. i'm blessed with a few kindred. who have been more than tactful. but everytime i see someone i know and say "NUS rejected me." my smile is stiff. my heart is numb. i don't feel that much disappointment then. but when the company leaves, reality resides.

maybe this is what martin talked about. about being a jc student. that. we're so myopic and all our hopes are pinned on universities and we aren't flexible enough to move on.
well. maybe. maybe. since i didn't have the courage to get into a poly and do something remotely related to my fashion design interest, it's the time i learn to be brave. to face this. situation.

his birthday is on saturday. i don't know what to get him. i don't know how to answer him if he asks how i am.
cuz i'm not fine. though he prolly thinks i have no reason to be.

somehow in this period of time. i feel like a diplomat.
i'm the country. and the rest is. well. the rest.
i don't know. i'm turning 19. i don't want to.
i feel old. but not grown up.
Saturday, May 8, 2004, 10:44 a.m.

coyote(s) ugly
there weren't exactly many pretty girls down at coyote's on saturday. the friday crowd's much better i observed. so i went down. with jasmine and her three friends. met khaidir. and i managed to stagger home at 7 in the morning.
and i woke up at 9.30 cuz my mom came in to ask me about something. then i went online. i only had 2 hours of sleep.
my parents asked me whether i'd want to go down to the kwan im temple to draw a lot. i actually rejected their invitation. but norman told me i should go for it, prolly cuz he's been seeing me sulk and weep and crumble over the whole university entry.
you can call me superstitious. cuz i can't do anything else but agree with you. and the lot said something about after the clouds have blown away, sun shines and my future will be bright. and said something which translated into me being a diamond in the rough. and shall be eventually discovered by a skilful person.
well. it also said that. what's meant to be mine shall be mine.
so i went home. thinking that the lot was telling me to go ahead with stansfield. but my mom thought it was trying to tell me to wait for my appeal.
don't you think that. it's a really slim chance that i'll get into NUS?
cuz there are so many people eyeing for the vacancies. and what am i with an ACE C6?
ok. so i sort of. did something. (if you're taoist, you should know. the two red curved crescent shapped thingie that you throw to see whether it's yes or no.) i threw this two things i thought resembled ang ku kuey and asked whether i will get into nus for sure. i said i'll throw three times. and see how it went.

all three times were a yes. even though one of em hit my blanket and toppled and the other hit my knees. all said yes.
the lots... they told me not to worry at all.
prasad and my mom's intuition...

so little superstitious me has decided to wait for the appeal results. and if stansfield is not gonna wait for me (their closing date is this saturday the 12th. my mom and cousin are going down to see whether there's any room for negotiation. (cuz i have to pay 4k there and then if i want to study there. and my mom's apprehensive about that. especially when it's a private uni.) i'll take a year off to work. well. we shall see.
but i'm not pinning high hopes on getting into NUS.
and... i think my lungs are fried. after saturday. i should quit soon.
*coughs*
i wrote something... yesterday. when i had another... outburst of emotions.

Like the fallen butterflies from Utopia,
The withered blooms of euphoria,
The tired hails to melancholy,
Are the silenced cries of the mellorist.

shall be trying to finish it. my chest feels weird inside. damn.
my brother's going to india this evening. altho that means i get to conquer his computer without invasion, he's leaving at a period of time when i need a supportive family member. when i need. a brother.

my online appeal

We note that you have appeal for
Choice: Arts and Social Sciences
Reason for appeal: For a start, my inclination towards the Humanities is capacious. I scored an A1 for my CLAO but I regrettably failed to include these 8 points into my aggregate. The CPF loan scheme contributes greatly to my desire to enter NUS due to financial circumstances. I sincerely hope I can be part of NUS.

You will hear from us by post in late June / early July 2004 on the outcome of your appeal.

i hope it works.
Monday, June 7, 2004, 02:19 p.m.

ladies night.
norman and i are gonna spend the afternoon together. then i'll be heading off to marina south alone. well. with a colleague. for jasmine's birthday thingie. the thing's that. they wanna go clubbing after dinner. i'm thinking about it.
well. if we're going clubbing... i'll most prolly just stick to coyote ugly when the rest go club hop. might be meeting yet another colleague on the way. but i have no idea. i don't even know whether i'd feel like clubbing tonight. my plan was to meet norman.. and i'm trying to switch my mood to something more. outgoing. and i think norman's coming over tomorrow. heh.
he was feeling all guilty about his absence from jasmine's birthday dinner. cuz he knows that i have been planning this for a long time. and my heart and mind was all set to just go there and spend the evening with norman. gonna be a pile of strangers. but heck. i don't know. i think i can manage. well. i have.
so about my colleague coming along with us. well. or rather. ex colleague, i'm not very sure. he asked me out to club tonight.
and it should be at cu.
i'm wearing a skirt. lord save me. amen.
Saturday, June 5, 2004, 11:06 a.m.

continuation from the previous.
as much as i deny that i'm blur as fuck...
i forgot to write about my appointment with stansfield and jasmine's birthday bash.

well i called stansfield yesterday. and i've arranged a consultation thingie with them. if all goes well. and i get to take literature (yeay!) it should be... it. but my mom's a little apprehensive. saying. you're gonna pay more for something not as good. DO I HAVE A CHOICE? WHY DONT THEY UNDERSTAND???
and everyone who's got close friends or are in or have been thru nie... all tell me the degree's... well...
they say it's a dead end. and they told me to question myself whether it's what i really wanna do.
FUCKING NO.
that's why i'm especially hopeful about stansfield. literature. majoring in literature. what more could i ask for academically.
and my mom misses the point. she said "see you drop math. and you can't go anywhere." excuse me. what has math have to do with anything??? if i took science, i doubt i can even apply for stansfield now. sheesh.
and she said nie is a good option what. cuz she doesn't have to pay.
well i know the money will be hard on her. but i can part time and stuff. ya know. i'm not that big a brat i used to be. after working and all the fuck that's happened. money's hard to come by i know. why does she still view me as a naive, immature girl.
ok. i prolly am. and i don't deny. that sometimes i request for the weirdest things.
last evening she told me how her colleague, who's around my age, is such a sweet girl. that when she enters every shop to buy something, she'd ask my mom to wait a while and make sure she does it as quick as possible.
i told my mom. "you know why i don't do that? cuz you're my mother!"
i do that to my friends as well. cuz we're not that used to each other. with the people who's really close to me. i'm all. natural. i do what i want to. is that wrong?
if she wants a daughter like that. have another one.
cuz i'm not an angelic daughter. i respect her. and love her. and get gifts for her. i shout at her. diss at her. listen to her complaints. i don't smile when i get whacked in the head.
this morning the whole "i shout at her" saga returned. you know. in the morning. i'm not the nicest bitch around. and when she starts nagging and nagging over things that... can be talked about at night or anytime else in the day but not fucking in the morning, i crack.
i mean. she kept asking me about. i can't even remember. must be either about my stuff lying around or i don't know what.
i think my mom and i would be great friends if we stayed apart.
as in. in separate apartments.
but sometimes she says she's darn modern and informed. but she tries to preach the most ignorant of ideas. that. it. irks me. i don'tt like people who are over confident. and tell people they're the gurus in that field when they aren't. you can't be the best in everything. maybe i can'tt stand it cuz i'm so used to that miss little inferiority complex within me. but she always claims that she's the best. and it gets to me. cuz. she's... not.

i'm kinda worried. her birthday bash's tomorrow. i'm afraid she'll crash.
norman's kinda unwell. so he can't go. prolly. and he told me to go clubbing after the dinner thing.
hmmm.
it might be his effort to make me feel more comfortable. like. he can't go but i should still go enjoy myself. but the most that i want is to see him. what else matters?
it's a long long entry. both of em added up. and now i'm slipping into a low of mood. seeing jasmine. so. despondent.
Friday, June 4, 2004, 10:35 a.m.

why do geminis fall so hard?/stansfield consultation/jasmine's birthday bash
i do not know why. but from all the twins i know.. and stuff. we geminis fall hard. and sometimes there'd be this someone. just one person. who strikes a soft chord within us. a person we'll always forgive. that even after the wrost of breakups. if he/she comes back, we'll embrace his/her return.
a certain episode made me think about this. it's like. i think we find it more difficult to forgo that perfect one if we actually have encountered one than other people. some people feel that. a breakup with the perfect one might be a sign that an even more perfect one (now that's ironic) one will come along. for us. it's doomsday + severe pms + a heart ache that goes all the way down to the gut. well. maybe it's a wrong generalisation. but that is what that has happened with my kindred few twins. for the other... geminis out there if you think this is plain gibberish... i can just say you're a lucky person in love blessed by good against heartaches and suicidal tendencies.
but for us, a limit is a limit. we dont. gradually break up. one fine day when we find that there's something's wrong, we'll just snap. no signs. no nothing.
and we get heartbreaks even if it's us who initiated the separation.
and our partners always seem to lead a happy life after everything.
and get new girlfriends.
love em more.
even when everyone feels that we were better than the new girls.
going back to check any online happenings concerning our exes...
asking around for their news...
thinking he was the best boyfriend we could have had...
thinking we broke up cuz of circumstance.

i don't think i'm talking about geminis anymore.
it's only jasmine and i.
and i know exactly how she feels and everything.
cuz once i had a steven.

lb and i... had episodes too. it felt worse than steven ones.
imagine what would happen.
the previous time... i almost died.
=)
Friday, June 4, 2004, 10:02 a.m.

red haired - an unknown elevation.
i few things i have accomplished over these few days.

1) dyed my hair RED. an upcoming camwhore session should be anticipated.
2) watched Mulholland Drive, got mindfucked, and went to do some research on this cannes winning david lynch film. naomi watts looked different. really...
3) bought jasmine's birthday present. will take a picture of it if i remember to get my batteries charged.
4) bought a topshop top for 19 bucks. love it. great for clubbing. weee.
5) had sakae dinner with mom.
6) got to know some technicians better.
7) made up my mind to stay... for a little while longer.
8) decided to buy a black skirt.
9) decided to get the red earth BLACK eyeshadow.
10) spent quite a bit of my remaining pay.

heh. i wanna take pictures soooooooon! and imma change layout soon too. hehe. i realised people hardly read my blog. yes. yet gain.

i need a dentist.
Thursday, June 3, 2004, 11:29 a.m.

Mulholland Drive.
TivoliGarden Rating: (5) On Thursday, May 02, 2002 at 11:05 PM First half is blond's dream(real name Diane)& consists of her subconscious & real people in her life but some are in different roles(like Wizard of Oz)and some events were actual(Director's divorce)but contained in dream(like real dreams where truth & fiction intermingle) Second half is her real life BEFORE dream: Waitress' tag "Betty" stayed in her subconscious & she took name in dream. Her helping brunette was her desire for reversal of roles becuz in real life the stronger Camilla helped her career. She 1st met Camilla on movie where C. won the lead-this haunted her. Her amorous audition is her desire to be a great actress but in real life she's a bit player. Her heartache over end of affair w/ Camilla leads to plotting her murder & blue key unlocks the demons she cannot escape, leading to insanity and ultimately her suicide. Old couple chasing at end is her imagination & symbolizes how Hollywood transformed her from an innocent girl right off the plane to what she became-a murderer
Wednesday, June 2, 2004, 10:55 p.m.

mood in an all time low.
a few things.

1) My colleague's close call to termination.
i feel guilty. cuz i was the one who conveyed the message. the thing's that. he's a good worker. he's deejaying and stuff as well so it's kinda inevitable for him to be late. the thing started when he reported sick when he actually woke up late. thing's that he came clean with the management. they almost sacked him... but they didn't. well. they haven't. the techinicans i've grown close to are leaving. well. almost.
shang guy's leaving. last day today.

2) Failure to enter NUS.
SMU's next admission exercise is 2005. stansfield. well. i've not gone to check it out thoroughly. going to get a relief teaching job thru su's recommendation. i was viewing it as a trial to see whether i'd be interested in teaching.
which leads to...

3) The sudden emphasis drawn to my lack of right to self-determination.
norman said i'm fickle. just like how i say i'm in love with every new mobile that appears in the market.
well. the truth is that. again. we, the fallen elitists have alternatives but not choices. i was saying i wanna go NIE. then i said it's a dead route. then i wanted to go stansfield. but thought it was far too pricey. i sounded like some light-headed brat who couldn't make up her mind. fact is that. it's not that i don't want to. but the alternatives aren't my choices. the ball is not game in my hand. i'm stranded. i wanna relief teach for the money and give NIE the last try. cuz. do i have a choice?
i don't want to go NIE. but. can i not?
then where else?
wait till next year?
would things have changed? would it be more competitive?
will i end up not being able to get into NIE and SMU and lose every opportunity i have to that faint sense of self-confidence?
where do i stand anyway.
now you know why i crashed when i couldn't get into NUS.
it's just like the handphones. i like this and that and every model. cuz i don't have the ability to get it. it's like window shopping with an empty wallet. everything is beautiful.
i'm spoilt for choice ain't i. as an onlooking consumer lack of buying power.
norman has hit the nail right on the spot.

i really have no idea what the future holds for me.
cuz as it seems... here is where i end.
i'm getting a little way too emo now.
and i felt like bursting into this pool of tears.
he said i was fickle.

when i don't even have a choice.

we're gonna have a serious talk about our future tonight.
Monday, May 31, 2004, 12:15 p.m.

AlterEgo
my new site will be on alteregos. MY alteregos. well. if you find a particular identity that is overwhelming you in me, drop me a mail at hungforbitchery@yahoo.com or just tag it down on my blogsite.
well. i sill have no idea which section should hold what. of course. i have the camwhore section all set in place. it's self-explanatory. but i have other photog stuff. so.. imma give some thought about that.
maybe i can add a voice conversation between me and steve or something cuz. it's just queer fun. if norman and i recorded our conversations down, it might be too traumatising for you guys. well. anyway.
of course there's the bitch secion where i diss about groups of people i don't like.
but i have no idea what to place my blog under. cuz my blog is me. and i am all these people. thinkthinkthink.
the layout's sorta. conceptualised.

ANYWAY. i can't deny Fantasia's a good singer... but i love Diana so much it hurts to see herr disappointed. she's sooooo cute@
somehow there's something in my dressing today that makes me feel more professional. aha.
going down town with jasmine today. i've got a hoardful of birthday presents to buy.
OMG!!!
i wanna get my industrial. and i wanna get my handphone. helpppp.
Friday, May 28, 2004, 10:22 a.m.

Admission Denied.
enough said.

but dewi told me to wait for the official letter as she spoke to someone from NUS that the online status thing is not always to be fully trusted. this time. hope sprung. off the edge of emotional comfort.
so i cried. figured that i'm always crying in the office. i think the hr manager's freaked out by my frequent outburst of emotions. somehow. i couldn't control it. i was fine. for a while. when it first hit me. but later when it sank in, and when norman called, my tears flowed down uncontrollably. lb always brings out that little girl in me. cuz i know that when i cry, he'll answer my tears. if i keep it in, i'll weep in the middle of the night alone. that was how it worked.
so i cried. my eyes are burning now and my head feels drained like nothing. but i feel more peace at heart than a few days ago. good lord it didnt hit me last week when i was totally devastated over the state of my life. which wasnt exactly bad. so... you can imagine how it could have been.
well. my mom went to draw a lot for me at the kwan im temple at bugis. well. the summary of the lot would be. this chance is dead. but heavens will give you something three times better. something that will bethe greatest treasure in the world to me.
cool isn't it. it also said the right medication will be found for the right illness.
talking about ailments...
i took a hald day afternoon urgent leave yesterday cuz my head was hurting.
well. it WAS hurting. it still is. at this certain small area of acute pain . but i can deal with it. it's sorta getting better.
so i got home. and i slept. and slept. whatever. suddenly i realised my headache might have been caused by the outgrowing of my wisdom tooth.
or teeth. in any case. cuz the dentist said i should anticipate its happening in the soon few months at that time.
it is the "soon few months" now.
it's gonna cost me so much. it's gonna hurt me so much. yikes.
so i got home and after sleeping for forever... i woke up and waited for the american idol finals.
i got cheated. somehow. when i found out that the actual thing starts at 11. being considerate to my aching head, i decided to give it a miss and talked to norman on the phone.
right after that, daniel called. as in. the psycho daniel who always calls me late at night to tell me he still has feelings for me.
the freaky thing's that. we never met. and he claimed that he's printed out and placed a picture that i posted online in his wallet.
well. that was a few years ago. freaky.
anyway. he started singing to me, telling me that he's gonna audition for the singapore idol thingie. i wanted to giggle but i tried to keep supportively silent.
the thing's that i think his voice ain't that fantastic.
not saying that i sing very well myself but being the pop idol kinda thing. makes e think off kelly clarkson and clay aiken. whose voices are like. WHOA. i hope singapore idol won't become a joke.
but i think there'll be quite some malay singers. i don't know. their voices are always more power packed. i DO watch suria. don't ask why.
i'm semi-happy now. cuz while i was trying to get to sleep last night after sleeping for many hours in the afternoon, i suddenly had a concept for my website.
it just sprung into my head uninvitedly.
hope does spring eternal.
so i'm onna stay home tonight to paint my nails and watch american idol. i love the both of em. i'd buy both their albums. (or more despicably, download em...) i bet their album will be funner than clay's.
taling about idols. don't you hink kurt nilsen sounds so so so so much like U2's frontman-i-forgot-his-name?
and talking about bands. i've recently started talking to this bassist (an ex-colleague at my workplace who quit cuz he felt awkward being the chinese minoriy - how ironic.) and we've sorta. agreed to sing in a band or something. drummers please???
i don't know. but it could be fun. and it's what i always wanted to do. really.
he listens to cradle of filth too. tho they aren't his favourite.

lb has been more than supportive for the past few hours since i got my NUS status online. sometimes i can't help but feel hopeless without him. like. if he weren't around, i'd have left long ago.
well. not really that long ago. prolly. before 'A's?
of all the things i had almost screwed up and skimmed my ass thru by luck.
i've crashed.
guess that's why i couldn't take it.
12 years.
fucking 12 years. spent in repetitive fear and catharsis.
fuck.
and they're gonna look down on me. they fucking are.
you will too.
Thursday, May 27, 2004, 03:54 p.m.

greasy hair, eight-dollar tomatoes, twelve-dollar vege sticks and a go @ okonomiyaki!
one of the best okonomiyakis i ever tried.
the one i made myself.
we were at NANJYA MONJYA last night. the branch at COPTHORNE KING's. I MADE MY OWN OKONOMIYAKI! the other main restaurant is this humble place at ALLSON... where there's this chef making the okonomiyakis. but the copthorne's place has this tepan in the middle of the dinner table and you can cook (with the assistance of their waitresses) your own stuff! i didn't know okonomiyaki's so easy! i believe it's all in the mixture, the flour and stuff. cuz it tasted goood. better than sakae or anywhere else.
and we had other stuff. as mentioned in the title.
it was my cousin's birthday. so we went to our favourite japanese restaurant. we had 8-dollar tomatoes that taste like heaven and celery, carrot, cucumber and radish sticks that taste surprisingly fantastic. i guess it was money well spent.
then we went to the copthorne's lounge. watched F1 at Monaco and drank a mocktail called Riverbank. Schumacher missed setting a record cuz the safety car was too slow and caused him to brake and rip the front part of vehicle against a curb. darn wasted. he was a clear fist.
can you believe it. HONDA got 2nd. or well. 3rd. since we all know how it would have been like with schumacher.
their debut! and their racer's a gorgeous bloke.
hahahhahaa. was adrenaline pumping. i like watching f1s!
ok. that day i mentioned going to watch troy. there was an audio disruption in the midst of the film (when they were sobbing about the 12 dats of peace) and the four or us, (norman, his brother and his girlfriend and i) got free movie passes cuz we went to feed it back at the box office. good. the next show's gonna be shrek 2!!!
troy was goooooood nonetheless. hehe. an aced move to demystify achilles. who would not love brad pitt. i mean. achilles. heh.
i've got BIG-small eyes now. hahaha.
aight. back to work. adios.
maybe they should make a film on aphrodite. but it'd be a straight R(A).
I LIKE!
who wouldn't?
but they should NEVER find skinny freaks. tthe women in troy were skinny...
a lil. too modern for troy-era... isn't it?
my thought. kate winslet-titanic-ish would have been nice.
I LIKE!
Monday, May 24, 2004, 12:03 p.m.

mydreamd8.com
it's kinda funny. cuz for god knows what reason (i've seldom depended on my braincalls to store memory.) this xiaxue girl's blog just rang in my head. i don't know her at all. and i've forgotten how i got to read her blog. but she's cool. a proper, english blog.
well. so i went to visit mydreamd8's website since she was part of the competition. i have to agree with her that. how janice's got the most number of fans and how pixieposh has the most number of votes sounds kinda corny.
cuz you're supposed to have more votes since you have more fans right? ah. how singtel plays with subtlety.
and she's writing for the press.
i read her blog pretty often. maybe cuz she's good looking. well. even more prolly cuz she's living a life i never had.

ahem. ok. after all that manifestation about my avid reading of xiaxue's blog, i'm gonna talk about something else. well. i guess.
i went to watch troy last night. gooooood film. but they didnt mention about the achilles' heels thingie. hmmmm.

my mom went to draw lots as a result of the increasingly pressurizing anticipation for the uni reply.
i got a GOOD lot.
and one phrase to fully explain it.
hope shall spring eternal.
maybe not eternally per se. but something that's BIG and BIGLY GOOD is on its way.
to make my world a better place.
to pull me outta this shit.
to stop my tears.
and make me drink coffee for a willing cause again.

btw. i've been perfecting my nescafe skills tho i still think it sucks. but caffeine caffeine. my long time estranged lover. work is such boring, i can't do without you.
gonna visit the doc tomorrow.
damn.
Sunday, May 23, 2004, 04:19 p.m.

sleepyhead.
well.... i'm fucking sleepy. and irritated.
it's not the first time i've been told i'm FAT by my office people. i can't take it anymore. i didn't even get this shit in school so why now? when people are supposed to be so much more mature and aware of something called respect?
seriously. i AM BUGGED by my weight problem. but. it's the last thing i wanna be reminded about. why do you keep tellingg me that. why. it's so irritating. everything i do is being penalised for. and it's sick.
welwelwellll... i managed to meet linda last evening. cool! finally got faces to put to the names that appear so ever often on her blog and stuff. well. have really yummy baked rice at the cafe she works as. one place i'll definitely head back to.
it all sounds cool. and she enjoys working there at the cafe.
i enjoyed myself. although my throat was about to split and spew blood or somethingg. had 25c cone. had a PINK MONKEY DRINK that i insisted should be named white monkey (cuz white plus red equals to pink in the blender. haha. k really hit that blender jokes nail into my head.). it was really yummy as well! haha!
ahhh. i'm so darned sleepy. my colleague's just broke up with his girlfriend i think. i don't know. might be meeting him for a short coffee session after work. afterr going home. gonna go over to norman's place. heehe.
and i'm gonna get to see him! ah! marvellous!
Saturday, May 22, 2004, 10:39 a.m.

PITAS.COM
well. i've changed my mind about leaving pitas.com.
lin's moving her blog here. and i realised. yeah. i used pitas in the first place cuz i could put whatever weblayout i wanted easily. cuz it's simple. there's nothing. no conflicting codes. and fully edittable on frontpage.
for those who havent view source me to see my codes. i'm a cheater!
well i dont totally rely on frontpage. i'm over the whole marquee and single bg-colorr era.
fuck. i almost chipped my french manicured nails. and they're peelingggggggg. not exactly. but the enamel's getting scraped off slowly.
shucks.
gonna paint my nails today!
supposed to go watch troy with my galpals last evening. but decided to follow my folks for a short dinner and a shopping spree and ntuc bedok. heh. cool. i bought yogurt and all kinds of junk. (ie. cheese. fruit juice. salmon fish. wanted to buy canned food but there wasnt any offer on so... not worth the distance!
i've recently been going into this milk drinking thing. every morning, my mom (or myself) will make a cup of milk-powder-milk for me (and my dad and herself). we had the OMEGA PLUS thingie for the heart. the newest one is this HI CAL NON FAT MILK we bought yesterday. it started when my mom read the expiry date wrongly and was all paranoid about not finishing the milk powder soon enough. the expiry date was in august. buahahha.
anyway...
i just told my hr that i'll be quitting in june. be it that i venture into the teaching line or whatever. my relief teaching thingie is valid till end this year. so if anything screws up, i'll just go relief teach for a while and see what i can do.
actually dewi seems to be learning alot from her relief teaching. i'm stagnated here with a bunch of. well. nevermind.
so quickly and it's friday again. it's cool. cuz... saturday's half day and i get to meet my loverboy. it's cool it's good. it's life.
i still have yet to receive any letter from darned nus. my friend told me that there's only 50 places left in nus arts. i'm trying to get that statistic outta my head. i hate statistics.
cuz they always give you the gory truth. and stats are what people use to warn and threaten people.
our bureaucracy does it the best!
ahem. anyway.
i didnt check the little thingie to add my CL bonus points into my score. i got a bloody A1 for CLAO. fuck.
is this anal or what?
it's so irritating. i'm so worried. lotsa things on my mind.
fuckfuckfuck.
ok. i shall numb myself with the thought of weekend fun.

we are what you can call...
the FALLEN ELITISTS. well. i coined this term last night while talking to prasad on the phone. how apt.
Friday, May 21, 2004, 10:27 a.m.

grammatical sense.
i realised i lack grammatical sense when i make entries in the office. prolly because while i try to be obscure and secretive, reducing the browser window into an impractical small, i can't read what i write. it's better writing at home. my mind's more at peace and i love my keyboarrrd.
well. if i'm gonna leave end this month. would they be able to find a replacement? and i've got many things under my wing now. will the new girl know what to do?
they might be short of 2 people soon. but it's kinda. freaky. what if they refuse to lemme go? am i gonna get stuck here???
or well. THERE??? cuz i don't feel i belong to it at much to have it called "here".
i'm going to have porridge again for dinner. yummy. the only thing that stirs up my appetite.
i'm so hungry now.
i feel like getting a new mobile phone cuz mine's dying out. well. theoretically speaking, it isn't even mine.
norman's got a new mobile and i've been taking pictures of barney, him and i. i'm going to take a mugshot with barney next time we meet cuz he's gonna put it as his wallpaper.
hahahaha.
see why i'm so in love?
and i'm going to meet linda on friday!
it's gonna be a good week. it so gonna.

despite the fact that i have weird colleagues and a messed up system within me.
Wednesday, May 19, 2004, 07:44 p.m.

dummdeees
my boss has been pressing me for an answer with regards to my plans after, well, now.
cuz today's the supposed date of my confirmation. but i'm not getting it. reason being, they're aware of my applications to nus and nie and have mentally prepared themselves for my departure.
they want me to make a decision in a day or two. which is madness. jas walked by to tell me that she knows my answer and we smiled with a mutual understanding.

i'm feeling sick at the moment. i guess a caught a flu again. i dont know. but my throat's sore and my body's getting shiver-pangs. my stomach is growling. cuz i only ate fruits for lunch. making me feel like regurgitating. like i'm gonna have a gastric attack.
ahhh.
i'm freaking hungry...
grabs stomach.
my body feels like it's internal heater's switched on and off and on. grrr.
Tuesday, May 18, 2004, 04:07 p.m.

sore throat. puffy eyes and a tired brain.
i'm feeling rather spent.
my ugly ordeal with screwed up hormones ended last night. pulling me outta the grey of mood before it turned a decadent black.
well. i'm here. working. so much drama just to return to the mundane.
it's our 14th month together and i am glad. silently. contentedly. to think that it's my longest relationship ever.
i found him when i was thoroughly drenched in disillusionment. i was doubting the existence of romance in my ill-fated life.
well. specks of short-lived "episodes" dusted my 2 years before norman. for once i was set to believe that i was someone every guy depended on in dire straits but nott when they want a relationship.
i feel for him so much my emotions are tied to his like a stringed voodoo doll. but yet sometimes i still get carried away and forget about how he feels.
he's been tolerant. and understanding.
he's so lovely. it makes me tear...
i looveee youuuuuu!!! (mye looved yow - remotely chaucerian.)
thanks. thanks. i really wanna thank you.
btw. i'm going to have sushi with mommy tonight! and pork chop with daddy this lunch! weee!!!
Monday, May 17, 2004, 01:13 p.m.

needa new blogsite.
i dont know. but i feel that pitas is not giving me enough. well. i'm thinking of something else. for those of you who are totally into reading my blog and have a livejournal, pass it to me.
little people read by blog anyway. only an intimate circle of friends. who bother.
i cried last night. this morning. alot. my eyes are tired. my head's spinning. my heart is not at all tranquil. but i'm ok. my eyes are dry. they are swollen tho.
sometimes i feel that i'm too demanding.
he wants me to look from things in his perspective and walk in his shoes.
i think these hormones are making me emo.
too emo. for health.
i'm tired of crying. i stopped. no. i still am.

and don't ask me why. i am just crying. for no reason. no reason at all. really. really. trust me. nothing.
i wrote 105 "help"s in my diary this morning.
i wasn't counting as i wrote. but i counted.
for a while i felt peace.
but the film went on rewind.
and played again.
i felt slightly suicidal.
i didn't wanna hurt him.
he played a big part in my present wound-less state.
he still does.
Sunday, May 16, 2004, 07:37 p.m.

tori amos.
listening to tori amos makes me become many things.

1 - tears. pillow. grey. 16:00 in green flashing. warmth. familiarity. mild heartwrench.
2 - dark room and sex and the city. break. mobile phone. no new messages. silent. speechless. waiting.
3- prank caller calls and "prank caller" flashes on my screen. prasad picked up. haunting japanese background sound. recorded. beeps.
4 - confrontation and an apology.
mixed feelings. tori amos.
what is it?
Saturday, May 15, 2004, 08:46 p.m.

ma fuckblog.
wa e'gotta prom wi mae? e gat at fcukan luk fya fcukin fece.
lord oh lord. gimme some sense.
hymn plays in the background.
fuck you all. fuck you.
lightning strikes.
the lightning burns the book she has of sketches. of cats. of dogs. of faceless people. she slits her fingertips. smears the blood on her face to stripe it red. she lies down on the ground, tried. tired. it starts raining. the blood is washed away.
she is all unwilling to leave her antagonism. but god forbids her to see a difference between herself and fellow homo sapiens and their similarity to illogical beings.
she stretches her body straight, her spine touching the soft ground. and lets her body waste away.
like how all the others do.

i have no idea how my mind brought me to this. but i was just typing whatever appeared in my head.
i'm speechless now. i'm just. silent.

Saturday, May 15, 2004, 12:00 p.m.

a spark in the gloom.
while the whole week has been moderately. boring. with recurrent headaches and nausea-packed lazy afternoons, today's a good mood day. the whole TGIF mood is surging my system. well. prolly cuz friday means a 3pm day cuz it's the SGM today. and maybe friday means going out with jasmine after sgm. and maybe it's also because friday means saturday's tomorrow and it means meeting prasad to watch sex and the city over at his place. or maybe. most prolly. sturday's the start of a weekend - the only time i get to see loverboy.
jasmine's invited me and lb to her birthday bash thingie at marina south early june. cool. i hope norman's gonna be able to make it. i need some company and who better than him at jasmine's birthday. (bringing the boyfriend seems the only normal thing. i can't possibly ask my other friend to go when he doesn't know jasmine.)
martin's birthday thingie's on 12th june. jasmine's 5th. they share the same birthday btw. what am i to get em. and what am i gonna use to get em presents! it's martin's last birthday in singapore. he's leaving soon for studies and stuff. i wanna get him something memorable.
lin's leaving too. i wanna get her a present.
it's absolutely needless to say for that small imp jasmine.
hellllllpppp.
Friday, May 14, 2004, 12:22 p.m.

office politics and uninteresting dress senses.
when i was still studying, during the faraway last year and before, crowded bus rides during peak hours and days of obnoxious loitering gave me more than enough time to observe the working population in singapore.
maybe work is an everyday thing. that's why many people don't bother to dress well. having worked three months in a simple company, i have faced that daily choice, or lack of choice every morning when it comes to dressing up for work.
some people go to their office plain faced. pale lipped. bare eyed.
when i flipped fashion magazines of snippets of working days in the office, work seemed more fun with playful, flirty colours and interesting dress cuttings.
i believe dressing shows the attitude we have towards something.
i like dressing up for work. it's so much more. well. it perks my day up.
i hope my future workplace has people who actually bother.
cuz this place is filled with girls screaming this fashion and johor bahru.
Thursday, May 13, 2004, 03:56 p.m.

nescafe dehydrates me.
i drank this OWL instant coffee mix (the one i swore by throughout my jc life) and i feel good. i feel totally fine. when i drink office resources, i start feeling sick.
oh my.
well.
i shall be staying at home for a few evenings i guess. surf the net. edit pictures. and read. and write. well. the little things i used to do extravagantly now feels so luxurious.
eating in at the office. btw. that day i ate cow livers. they forced me to try it. saying it's mutton.
lamb my ass. (pardon the pun.) it was beef i realised. they're such sinners! deities will forgive me. cuz i feel extremely guilty now with a strong sense of repulsion towards my colleagues.
the least they could do is to respect my religion.
i'm so sorry if you're freaking christian or catholic and can't understand why we can't eat beef.
it's just like you can't have pre-marital sex or something.
respect people please! and it's religious. it's sacred.
my boss is back. bye.
Wednesday, May 12, 2004, 01:02 p.m.

fatfatfat.
i feel fat. rather. i've grown fatter.
well. i'm concerned. shall start today. you know one of those days that you suddenly have the spur to do something for yourself. well. i guess i'll be skipping dinner every now and then and try to have as many days of fruit-lunch. heh. it's gonna do me a lil better. i was fat. now i'm fatter.
wellwell. i wanna have more time to read. i miss my book. i wanna read... zzz.
by the way. i met prasad yesterday. went olio's for dinner. i've got a really low energy level these days. and i really hate working. haha. it feels different from the school kinda tired. this one feels. empty.
ahhh. i was dead beat. we had wedges and sticky date at olio. and we agreed unanimously that marmalade pantry serves better sticky date when they only sell it for 2 bucks more expensive.
right. prasad lost 10 kg of weight. omg. he's slim to start with. now his face looks smaller and everything. has been visiting the gym and watching his diet.
i shall try to lose weight too. to wear more clothes i guess. if i can't do it for health, i'll do it for vanity.
be right back
Wednesday, May 12, 2004, 12:12 p.m.

i'm such a whore.
besides the self knowledge that i'm a camwhore, i've come to realise how much of a blogwhore i'm growing to become. maybe it's because i'm getting bored at work. and bringing my Catherine The Great book'stoo risky, considering my tendency to lose things i adore.

i've only read a couple. well. cuz i only bother to read a couple. would like more interesting blogs tho. if any of you have blogs whatsoever, you can contact me via sherapesgirls@yahoo.co.uk. tell me! i wanna read blogs!
and lemme know that you're reading mine. cuz i'm a stats whore too!
well. well. gonna check prasad's email soon and see whether we're heading out tonight. but i guess not. cuz he said... checck your email! instead of saying yes. he's getting quite busy these days while i'm having more time freed up to do stuff in the office. heh.
she's on mc today. ahhaa.

my family got together at seven in the morning today to cut a strawberry cake in celebration of mother's day. mom thanked us for everrything. she's grateful for the stuff we did for her.
we ate at FATTY WENG chinese restaurant last night. haagen dazs after that. fulfilled all my sins of gluttony. stuffed myself like a christmas turkey. and happy like a donkey.
doesn't make sense.
ok... we split the bill. i'm going to pay 50 bucks. 150/3. cool. i gave so many people treats with that 50!
i've gotta go palai renaissance again. i need to eat at marmalade pantry!
zzz. it's fucking warm. and i'm sleepy...
i'm growing tired of canteen food. i need some. al fresco sandwiches, pasta. baked rice. that sorta thing. not fishball noodles! totally... spoilering!
Tuesday, May 11, 2004, 10:13 a.m.

mother's day.
something screwed up on my blog just now. almost made my heart fail.
well. i gave my mom some cash for mother's day.
we both hugged. and cried. maybe it's cuz. in the long and dreadfully treacherous 19 years of my life, i've never given her money. mainly cuz i've never really worked.
and i said sorry for all the things i've done to trigger her lowly tolerant temper.
it's was kinda an emo episode. but well. next month's father's day. and i bet i've gotta do the same.
i'm so fucking broke!!!

well. posted up two pictures. i took LOADS. like. till my memory card went beeping kinda LOADS. fun. i love taking pictures. and i'm glad i no longer need to look for a new shade of eyeshadow for my smokey eyes. i pulled one thru last evening pretty well. experiment after experiment. layers and layers of eyeshadow. and i got what's seen in the pictures. it looks more. um. dreadlocked-sinner-girl in real. but. well. kinda obvious anyways.
and i've decided to muster all the courage in my blistered soul... to wear black leggings out!
i won't look slutty i guess.
it takes more than me to be a whore.
Sunday, May 9, 2004, 01:44 p.m.

grrr.

what??
i'll be having a concept site soon i think.
tired of hosting stuff on ugly layouts.

i did 2 pics!

limited vocabulary. mindless rants. immature comments. mood on a downslope thrill ride.
have been surfing around. reading some blogs. realised. i write short entries. maybe cuz my life really is like a standing loaded gun. uninteresting. and all i think about is how to save my ass at work and at home. i sorta feel that my entries were much more substantial. and inquisitive. it's like the remaining matter in me has landed on the floor with a pathetic splat.
all i talk about is. uni entry. uni entry. uh. mom. mom. mom. mom. mom. work. sucky work.
if repitition indicates retardation, i shan't be modest about my mental degradation.
somehow i feel kinda vexed. somehow i wish for a more exciting life. at least back to one i used to have before getting this freaking job. and before prasad went to ns.
i tried out certain clothe-ensembles that day. black leggings. white pumps. black off shoulders. skirt. white bag. clipped messy hair. smoky eyes. attitude.
well. maybe i'll make a come back. and be. spiffy? (at this moment, i'm checking this word up on dictionary.com. fuck i need more vocabulary! omg! the word's actually appropriate...
adj. spiff·i·er, spiff·i·est
Smart in appearance or dress; stylish.
tr.v. spiff·ied, spiff·y·ing, spiff·ies
To make attractive, stylish, or up-to-date: spiffying up my wardrobe.)

before i die living a life like that.
btw. talking about being spiffy and all. i wanna get a good dictionary. the kind that smells good. i like enid blyton books. i like the paper smell. and there are fonts i like and don't. and there are font sizes i prefer. (size 20-24 is good.) well. gotta go kino or borders some time.
and while i try to digest my dinner. and seek inspiration for a poem. i shall be trying to devise a foolproof step by step formula to brillant asian smokey eyes. and to pulling off black opaque leggings with class.
things i need to do.
widen the front of my pointed shoes.
line the back cuz it's getting scratchy.
get a new eyeliner. i can't find my old.
get a new shade of eyeshadow for smokey eyes.
i'm broke. but i'm happy.
my mom loves the flowers. yes. there i score again.
if life could be such easy to appease.
i'd be a tai-tai now. and norman would be a millionaire who doesn't believe in sleeping with young attractive women cuz he has the money.
and i'll be shopping for the coloured lv bag.
and that dior purse.
and that nice, slick, mean machine at cycle and carriage.
buy a driving license.
tour europe.
take pictures with russian lolitas.

naiveness overhaul.
Saturday, May 8, 2004, 07:47 p.m.

flowers.
by the way. i bought a stalk, that holds three blooms, of lilies.
it's really nice. it's for my mom. things have been good. trying to get my ass away from her. so that she can have a nice mother's day.
while i hate her for all the crap she's given me.
the abuse, verbally, and rarely physically.
all that jargon has come to rest.
for a beautiful mother's day.
Saturday, May 8, 2004, 06:54 p.m.

late nights. and my relentless battle against the puffy eyes.
i just got back from compasspoint. realised norman got a cigarette case. that matches his lighter. all looks good. i've always had a love-hate relationship with his smoking habits.
for some strange reason, i kinda like the way he looks when he smokes. such a pretty face. with therapeutic fumes seeping out from between his lips.
well. or even a stranger reason. i enjoy passive smoking. hah.
maybe it's an unfounded addiction.
it's nice to kiss a smoker.
probably cuz norman's a smoker.
nothing about him seems to be a reason to hate him. i don't know. the fact that he's not all too nice and willing to be my manservant is. nice.
i don't know why. but i'm in a rather lovey dovey mood now.
the look he had when he was trying to look for me when the bus went pass his booth.
lost. hopeful.
though our gazes didn't meet. it was enough that i saw him searching for my face in the crowded bus.
that he bothered to wave a little goodbye after the routinal kiss.
sometimes he doesn't seem to care.
but things like that redeems him totally.
while i indulge in my reverie.
and while my computer keeps blacking out and coming on again, a ominous sign of a virus invasion.
i'll try to write a poem.
Saturday, May 8, 2004, 06:37 p.m.

ulcered throat and silenced screams of euphoria.
i've got 2 days mc.
no. that's not why i'm so elated.
when i get back to work, monday, it'll be the tenth.
the lady's coming in for work on 12th. wednesday.
how life has suddenly fallen in love with me, i do not know. but what i do know's that my pay with be more than miserable for this month.
i'm at a rate of 2 mcs a month.
the ulcer around my throat area was pulsating in the wee morning hours.
talking about pulsation, have you ever held your breath so that you can hear your own heartbeat?
i do.
it hurt so much i couldn't imagine myself perking my voice up to the repetitive greeting i have to sport over the phone.
i've got mc for tomorrow as well. i wanted to go back to work. but my hr manager wanted me to stay at home.
well. maybe they were afraid that i've got some virus in me or something.

the encounter with the familiar Dr David.

d: hi joanna. how are you? haven't seen you for a few months. (flipping the records.)
j: i'm fine. well. i think.
d: so what are you doing nowadays?
j sits lightly on the edge of the chair placed to face the doctor diagonally
j: i'm a receptionist. and now i've got an ulcer around my throat area. and it kinda bothers me.
d: ok. lemme have a look.
j opens her mouth. d places the wooden enlarged ice-cream stick lookalike thing to push her retarded tongue down. j tastes the woodiness at the back of her tongue.
d: ok. it's kinda red. it's quite inflammed. (pressing around the neck area under j's chin.) are your tonsils hurting?
j: nope.
d: ok. i'll give you a day of mc.
j: ok. it's gonna be ok right?
d: i'll give you 2 days mc. just in case.
j: ok. (standing up, heading to the door.) i'm glad i'm seeing you less often nowadays. it's a good sign.
d: it sure is.
isn't it great i'm not skipping work as much as i skipped school?
Friday, May 7, 2004, 08:15 p.m.

sleepy...
after this i'm gonna concuss. but for now. before my cam batteries run flat...

MOE.
i went for my NIE interview today. took a half day NPL to make an effort to salvage my fading future.
well. i went over the MOE. and had an interview. the interviewers were okay. i think i'm pretty aight with interviews. at least i don't fluster and bite my tongue off or something. everything was relatively ok. though i meandered a little towards the end. but i think i did all i could. was an sensible as i possibly could be.
by the way. i broke my left middle finger nail. so i've trimmed all my nails. for those who don't know. i had long long long long nails.
i broke it when i was lifting up this bloody file from the floor to place it back into the cabinet.
but typing now feels so much better.
my middle finger bled a little. but it's ok. i can manage. i just hope it grows long fast. past the fleshy part. so that i can take off the plaster that's hardly protecting it anyway.
work load's piling. but the new girl is coming in next week. maybe... i just have to slack and drag and pass on my work to her.
heh.
but i don't think i can. cuz big bad shewolf will start barking at me.
*growls*
i bought garfield plasters. only today did i see luminous ones.
damn.
and while searching for plasters yesterday. a salesgirl approached me and asked me whether i wanted this tummy trimming gel. i politely smiled and waved a no.
she bugged me. till the cashier. everyone stared at me.
aight. i know i have a tummy. but i'm not going to get rid of it if it's gonna mean spending on a white elephant you're shamelessly selling.
i hate bad salespeople!!!
i'm in the customer service line too.
i'm glad i practice some service etiquette.
might be going out with loverboy tomorrow.
he says it's not confirmed.
prrrf.
Thursday, May 6, 2004, 08:10 p.m.

2004 Wishlist
since my birthday is in less than two months, and work's boring me, i mind as well start thinking about what i want now. wll. or rather. for this year.

1 - industrial piercing.
2 - a new mobile flip phone with camera function
3 - re-dyed hair
4 - less weight
5 - entry to NUS
6 - a neater room with more victorian flavour

that's it. see. i'm a simple person.
Tuesday, May 4, 2004, 04:14 p.m.

baby boom.
as i thought about democracy's urge upon us to have more kids in strong contrary to the previous policy, or rather, doctrine of birth control, i became more concerned, not about our declining birth rates, but the plunging libido of our whole community.

i suddenly thought about our welcoming of foreign talents. particularly chinese republics. was it a plan to get more babies from them? since they can only have one back in china, they'd have a strong sense of vengeance within them to have more kids here. doesn't it make sense?
was it a malicious plan to salvage the problem of a shrinking labour force in years to come?

i might be thinking too much here. but things like that seem to attractive for my idle mind. probably why i always failed gp. the whole world always sounds like an evil, communist empire in my essays.

well. how do we encourage people to have sex?

the last "blueprint" short film "chase" was really quite good. the lines were cheesy at times. borrowing quotes from advertisements, particularly credit card advertisements, casually throughout the film.

but there was a subplot. something that struck me as a cheeky underlying theme in the film.

that our economy needs more babies.
and "they" are treating it in a rather... well. serious way.
suddenly, not having children is a sin. and having sex is good.
and the main character's campaign to sell men instead of sex tickled me a great deal.

i have a thought. the way to promote marriage should be the usage of the catch phrase.
YOUR DAD IS NOT THE ONLY MAN IN YOUR LIFE.
well. i guess a great deal of modern women grew up in an atmosphere whereby the father was the head of the family, the sole breadwinner. the mom and family needed him. cuz he earnt money. cuz he was the one who's going to feed the family.
i don't know about the rest of you. but i grew up in a surrounding. where my dad was the almighty, indispensible pillar at home.
now women can support themselves. and they don't need men. so why get married, right? dating is so much more fun.
pay for our own drinks. no one to tell ya your hundred dollar foundation is too much of a luxury.
maybe it's because singaporean men aren't that too romantic.
cuz the role of a husband they believe in is the same as the women's idea.
money. breadwinner. man.
many of our dads and moms don't appear to us as lovers.
they're just our parents.
a married couple.
no splendid nights out. no date-like outings. no more movies together on a sunday afternoon.
just housework. and switching good and bad guy roles when disciplining us kids.

how exciting.

i love that film. and i love the message behind it. changing the impression we have of men, generally. selling men. repackaged.
sex. romance.
that a man is a lover.
like in a french film.
where a man telling a woman he wishes to make love to her is romantic.
not a slap-deserving attempt to a one night stand.

i'm kinda lost. but i said what my mind wanted me to type out.
and for the record, having kids scares me.
but marriage doesn't.
maybe we should start selling kids too.
Sunday, May 2, 2004, 06:32 p.m.

camwhoring.
i'm charging my batteries. beware! i am gong to start my therapeutic camwhoring soon!
well... but for now... i editted a picture.

caffeine rehab.
i'm trying to kick my addiction to caffeine. figured i should make it a luxury before it becomes, not only a staple, but my only dose of sanity.
well. it's hard kicking something that swore by me and vice versa during the most excruciating times of my life.

while i battle myself out from addiction, i'm fighting simultaneously against a person i once thought i couldn't live without and feel that i'd be much healthier emotionally if she's not here anymore.
well. i don't know why. but i feel that everyday is a long drawn war. i'm weary. everyday, i'd be getting reprimanded for the most nonsensical, not to say creative reasons i've ever been penalised for. it sets me thinking. cuz as much as i hate science, math and anything remotely dependent on logic, i was looking for some. logical reason. why she scolds me for things that i once did everyday. is it a culmination of sorts? or is it. just. ME?

my cousin told me she dotes on me the most. well. yes. she's bought me more handphones than she's bought my brother. materialistically, she's a great mom. as in. she does so much to get what we want and need.
but sometimes. "it's the thought that counts." i feel that. i don't get that kinda respect she gives my brother. and. the kinda thoughtful small little things she does for him. all i feel that she's tired of having such an anal daughter and that i'm hurting her everyday by doing things she doesn't like cuz she doesn't like me but fuck i'm her daughter.
every morning. or evening. rather. whenever i see her. there's something i do that she'd find fault with. i mean. out of 10 things i do, there must be 1 right, right? but no. i get scolded for everything i do. well. even when i thoughtfully waited outside the home to not dirty her lickably clean floor.

i don't know. as much as she claims i'm hurting her... (everytime i do something domestically wrong. eg. washing the cups with my long nailed hands, cooking, wiping the table two times - she feels that it's dirty when she's like 10 feet away...) what the fuck? can she not say i'm hurting her for every small little fucking incident? well. i tell you why i'm hurting you. cuz i'm not giving you money from my pay. cuz i don't pay my own phonebills. well. fuck. aight? i pay my own meals. i eat on my own as much as possible. my brother didn't. while he was working. and he managed to save. why am i doing this? why am i. paying for my own meals? cuz i wanna lighten her load. don't you get it? don't you? like have you ever bothered to calculate how much i have to spend on meals? how many days i eat out? how many times you walked up to me and said. "you look so fat today." or "the spaghetti straps look so tight on you. it's ugly." or "you walk so uglily. not like me." or "you're so naive." (a judgement passed when she mistook my narration of my friend's story to be me talking about myself.) or "you're so weak in the mind." or "you spend so much money on cosmetics. save it. you don't look much better." or "you spent so much money and your face still looks terrible" (contrary to my friend's comments about my improved skin condition.)

i don't forget things easily. well. i don't forget what people say about me to me. cuz i've got this lil voice recorder in my head that replays it a hundred times before i slump into my. i'm such a failure. loser. i wanna leave this place. mood.

am i her daughter?
does she love me?
if she does. tell her she's doing it the wrong way.

cuz everytime she says i'm hurting her. my heart bleeds. imagine your mom saying you're hurting her. imagine your boyfriend or girlfriend saying you're hurting him/her.

irony. irony. i get hurt. cuz i care about her. and i bother about what she says. even when i know it's better for me when i don't.

but still. to see whether all my tears are worth it.

does she love me?
Wednesday, April 28, 2004, 07:18 p.m.

in the office.
well i just had a peanut butter sandwich for lunch. that freaking sun of a bitch is so terrible that i've yet to muster the courage enough to go down and have lunch.
i think it's kinda bad to do private stuff on the company com. but everyone does that. and it's time off my own lunch time. so it's aight... right?
i can't wait to get home and cook that kimchi noodle i have at home... (is it still there?) it's kinda cool playing online games, eating instant noodles and reducing into a lump of sloth in an air-conditioned room. heh.
i'm gonna start off doing my work already. seeyassssss.
Tuesday, April 20, 2004, 01:23 p.m.

bloated.
like a puffer fish. and watching cheesy action on national tv doesn't help. i don't know. but i've never felt the lines they say so repetitive before. well.
i'm not looking forward to work.
and i'm sleepy.
how i wish i can sleep in norman's arms at his place. ahhh.
Sunday, April 18, 2004, 09:57 p.m.

an imp wrapped in a glutinous rice dumpling.
a hyperactive midget in you bouncing. have you ever felt that in the middle of the night?
i have. i'd feel. possessed. and i'd have to jump up and down... till i get tired. well. sometimes i didn't get tired. and i didn't get any sleep. and the next day i'd skip school.
but well. now's not the problem with that little miss in me. somewhere in me. but it's something... my will against my physique.
i am frankly not enjoying my job. well. say. i'm not enjoying the environment. i think everyone should have some self and mutual respect. but the people there at my work place bypass this unspoken rule of thumb in relationship building.
and hypocrisy finds its way so easily, landing so comfortably into the void called respect.
with so many synthetic materials around me, swearing to be un-biodegradable and toxic, waiting to poison the life outta humans, why do we need that plastic quality in the almost only thing left remotely within our control? human relations. hmmm.
well. i urge people to only enter their comments once. be patient. be it truth or deceit. patience is much more valuable in an uncertain time like this.
ah. i wonder how my university applications are working. hmmm. somehow i'm thinking and seriously putting my limited braincells to choosing an auspicious date to depart.
i miss making webpages. surfing webpages. fondling codes.
btw. i didn't apply to SMU. cuz i'm fucking poor and can't afford.
and they offer econs majors. like. huhh???
i almost failed that bloody subject. and like how i'd sworn off math and science. i've sworn off econs!

how convenient.
Thursday, April 15, 2004, 08:51 p.m.

messed up inside.
i puked three times today. at work. well. there was an instant sense of relief right after each excruciating session. but that irksome feeling came back in stronger surges. and now i can feel my gastric juices lashing my stomach walls. hungry. but i do not have an appetite.
loads of work piling up. job cards... and my newest 2 project. an article cutting about the new Qantas service and the speech SM gave about singapore being an air hub and something about the competitiveness among the region. another, prolly a result of me including my love for web design whatsoever in my hardselling resume, a task to design the company brochure. lotsa lotsa work.
come next week, it'd be the end of my "probation" as a receptionist. they indirectly hinted on a pay-rise. but i don't know how true it's gonna be. well.
so i have to dig up all the old newspapers to find the articles and gather all the nitty ideas i have buried somewhere at the back of my head.

now all i wish for is an appetite. cuz what i'm feeling now sucks. it's like my body trying to regurgitate when there's nothing in my stomach anymore. i don't even dare to drink water. cuz it'd just bloat my stomach and make me go thru the whole vomitting saga again.
steve wants to go clubbing this weekend. was initially tempted to tag along. but i decided i should let myself rest a lil more. and allow myself to spend sometime with norman.
my throat still hurts. but dumping mints into my empty stomach is gonna cause a hellotta drama inside.
now... while i wait for my meat porridge...
Wednesday, April 14, 2004, 07:31 p.m.

tired.
i guess. i've been ranting about my mom so religiously that it's almost a routine. well. it has to stop somewhere, right?
today was plainly. eat. sleep. lozenge sucking. some part of my body still feels unwell. but i've gotta get back to work aye? i should have loads of job cards to sort when i get back. and it's gonna be the staff general meeting again soon. some times i'm tired putting on a smile and being friendly towards technicians. sometimes people can just establish such close ties superficially. and it makes me feel weird inside. simply put. i don't like my job environment.
i'm not writing properly. cuz i've this thing bugging me. something bryce left in the chat box thingie. how. if anyone can actually believe in talisman and incense. well. i sorta feel a lil defensive of my own religion at this point of time. and to think that he was someone who told me he'd never talk to me again cuz i'm such a preoccupied kid makes me feel even more unjust. when can anyone of us shun people who question our beliefs and opinions. and i can't remember whether he's christian or belonging to some other religion. but what's his point of questioning my religious beliefs with such a rhetorical tone that i find it hard to not detect that sense of paganism and sarcasm.
well. maybe i'm thinking too much. but taoism has always been a religion many love to debate on. some even think the ceremonies are created to attract and celebrate the existence of lucifer.
i'm speechless for now. i'm tired. it feels as if i've not had good rest for a long time.
i'll write more next time.
Tuesday, April 13, 2004, 08:25 p.m.

My last go at teenage.
i was watching Simple Plan - Perfect on MTV (yes. i know. hell i'm an mtv person. i like watching cute taiwanese girls clash colours on their dressing horribly as well. i watch bloody mtv chinese too!) and i started crying. fancy crying to a skater punk band. it's kinda weird. cuz. i've always thought their lyrics were usual i hate the world. i love to skate. kinda thing. but every single word in that song describes the feud i have with my mom. every single detail.
well. my friend once said. "make it generic enough. everything is true." which i totally agree with. the scenario in that cute lil song prolly plays in every household with a daughter/son with bad grades or whatsoever. but while trying to place myself at a place that proves me more mature and. sensible. and having great taste, jazz-listening, whatever fuck. i'm still a kid. and i'm still dealing with it. i like busted. i like simple plan. i like avril lavigne. wooo.
i like hiphop tracks too. no matter how closet a minah you think i am, i like hiphop.
i hate norah jones.
bringing me to another point. there was a time i forced myself to like certain things. cuz i wanted to be. different. or better. or fuck. but. i've realised it's quite tiring to do so. well. i'm getting old. my stamina is running low.
this emotional hogwash should be biological. the hormones i'm taking stated that i can be prone to depression in mood. together with swelling boobs and a screwed up apetite.
i just got back from the doctor's. made myself a big fat tuna sandwich. i feel like puking now. got 2 days mc for a bloody flu.
i'll be unpaid for this day and a half. darned.
i need another job. if not a new one.
i don't know why. my mom is getting to me more and more these days. it didn't even happen when i only passed 2 subjects. it's happening now. when my life is in an arguable stagnation.
i know you want me to get into the university.
i know you want me to give you allowance.
i know you want me to be like my brother.
i know you want me to do you proud.
you know i want me to study design.
i know you want me never to.

so i have devised a plan.

IF I GET INTO NUS.
BA >>> NAFA part-time course >>> fashion journalist, columinist, writer, whatever you call it.
or...

BA >>> decent job >>> study fashion part-time >>> be a shopper.

ah...
Monday, April 12, 2004, 05:16 p.m.

from lin's blog.
1; how do you know me and how do i know you and for how long already
two years? novelists.

2; how often do you read my blurty
everytime i switch on my computer. am i a stalker or what.

3; what do you think of me (honestly please. very crucial question)
attractive, quirky. lovely lovely person to hang out with. makes me have wild ideas for dress sense. though you don't dress wild... but your attitude inspires. really. and i sincerely think your writing's nice. aesthetically and literally. very very very emo.

4; would you consider me a nice person, a bad person or a very whiny fickle and superficial person
nice... you always listen to my shit! i'm your friend so you ain't superficial.

5; whats the one thing in life that could ever make me so happy
sex? no... that's me. uhhh. romance. getting a book published might reign second. hmmm. or getting signed by a record company for your band... hmmm. but i still think love does the elixir-ic thing to you.
Friday, April 9, 2004, 10:14 a.m.

great food, good company. and my favourite gin tonic.
loverboy has sorta, unofficially, stopped me from drinking from last night onwards. i guess it's because i finally found a drink i'm not allergic to and it scares him. he knows how crazy i can get. well. i'm always ditsy with him. i don't blame him for looking at me that way.
that night i had one whole (for records) jug of gin tonic with two glasses of beer. i had rashes. i was stashing my bet that it was beer.
so yesterday i had one gin tonic. well. i prolly didn't get rashes cuz it's too little. but it's good. i used to get rashes with bourbon!
we went Marmalade Pantry for food. it was really good. the desserts were orgasmic (i'd quote on that!) and the food was. i don't know. all i could use to describe's... fusion. i really have no idea.
i realised i'm an ill-read, shameless poet/novelist whatever. i write. but i don't read.
sidetracking. my colleague asked me about a few authors he adored. i didn't know any of them. i don't even fucking read much. so. yeah. i felt stupid. insulted. but i still didn't feel like reading.
we went to The Living Room after dinner. had drinks. played games that almost fully revealed our sexual experiences... and. talked.
i could live life and die happy like that... weee.
but damn. for the next 4 decades, this is not gonna happen easily.
thinking about it.
ageing scares me. not physically. but. being in the twenties. i suddenly feel that. we are really fucking living to die.
O Danny boy... the pipes, the pipes are calling...

GOOOOOD FRIIIIDAYYY!
cuz i don't have to work. and i get to see my loverboy.
by this time, you'd have realised more than 50% of my brain's still asleep.
Friday, April 9, 2004, 09:46 a.m.

i met derek for dinner this evening. prasad's birthday dinner tomorrow. hell am i spending too much.
i'm so tempted to do the quiz on cheshire's blog. but. i'm not going to. cuz. it's reallllly long.
well. i was supposed to come up with a webpage or something like that. but work's getting a little too much to me. and i want to do something else. i want to be a fashion purchaser.
that's right. the kind who shop all day.
but i have to take fashion management courses first. which i won't be allowed to. and i won't be able to afford. haha.
so just pray that i get into nus. and prolly end up writing or something. i don't like mundane administrative job.
one that's irritating like the one i have now.
zzz. my left eye's weak. tired. and closing. zzz.
nighters darlings.
Wednesday, April 7, 2004, 11:06 p.m.

i'm a stupid, disrespectful, stingy, useless, disgusting daughter.
i just had a fight with my mom. i forgot to bring my handphone. i found that out in the morning and i told my dad about it. no big deal. i'll just get home early and not go out cuz i'd feel so immobile without my mobile phone.
as i stepped into the lift, going up to the fifth storey where i stay on, i dug for something that wasn't there.
i forgot to bring my keys as well.
well. i felt angry. or very. frustrated. cuz i knew i forgot something on my way out. i was thinking hard. but my mom was nagging. telling me not to step too much into the house. telling me my shoes are dirty. telling me to burn joss sticks when i have. but she didn't tell me to bring my keys. which were lying so innocently on top of the shoe cupboard.
so i headed on to compasspoint. since i wanted to pick some stuff up to piece steve's birthday present together. i called my mom on a coin phone. at compasspoint. or rather. i called my dad's handphone. and my mom picked up, saying my dad was at the barber's getting his hair trimmed.
so we agreed that they'd be downstairs in prolly half an hour. and i'll get the keys from them before they head on to dinner.
i was rather touched by the concession i'm willing to make. but the problem is, my handphone's my only watch. so how am i going to know when's half an hour from then?
so i walked around. dragging time. always thinking that since half an hour is a minute shorter than eternity at my workplace.
when i got back, i was searching for a coin phone around my neighbouring blocks.
for some reason, HDB has made coin phones obsolete. they didn't realise only bangladesh workers use phonecards nowadays.
so i was waiting outside my house. tempted to go over to my indian neighbour to borrow a phonecall.
as in inched my way to my neighbour's door, the lift door open and my parents stepped out.
i cried before that. so i was having a glum face. my mom blamed me for not bringing the keys. and how i shouted at her.
the saga continued. and it's only stopped just before this diary entry.
she said i didn't give her money when i got my first pay.

don't twist your words. say you mind if you do. or you did. don't lie to me.
i fucking hate that.

we agreed to not give her money cuz my pay's low.
and then she compared me with my brother.
how he's so much more filial cuz he gave my mom some allowance the previous time he got a full-time job before NS.
somehow i feel that the schism between me and my brother had been sowed meticulously by my mom.
from young.
and i've stopped crying. stupidly messaged a one word message to norman.
he replied that he doesn't like it. and it's not the first time he's said it.

if the world love wannabes. he definitely doesn't love me.
a wannabe. who's always trying to be a good daughter. and girlfriend. a good person. likeable. charismatic. attractive.

am i too old for this or what?
Tuesday, April 6, 2004, 09:32 p.m.

Miss "Do-It-Wrong"
lb messaged me that i shouldn't message him short messages when work is already frustrating him so much. it started with. my avid liking to sending messages like "Baby." or "Hey." with nothing else. i sorta thought long messages irritate people. cuz i don't like people to ask me all sorts of questions in a message. and i thought a one word would be enough to indicate that i'm waiting for him to get home, and waiting to talk to him cuz i miss doing so.
well. i'm kinda. in a weird mood after that message. and i messaged him back. what are you doing. in effort to salvage or rather, add on to the previous one word message. he hasn't replied. i'm just trying to convince myself that work got to him and he's just ignorant of the message i sent him OR that he is a little too exhausted to give me a reply.
i feel like crying. my back's aching. i guess it's gonna be that time of the month. and it always gets to me. little not so sweet things he says.
please reply oh please reply. soon.
sometimes i have no idea why i get so emotional. i'm bent my ways alot for him. i could be so much worse... but...

he could have made it sound less fed up...
my obsession with being the perfect girlfriend is getting to me.

and one thing that i kept within me. he said he went to meet up with his ex-colleagues. i asked if there were girls. and he said yes. well. i think, though i didn't ask, that the person who asked him was a girl. sometimes i think he's afraid that i might get all volatile when i know he's out with girls. but i believe he's trying his best to make me feel the best i can. by not igniting all that jealousy in me.

what the hell is my mom yelling about now.

sometimes i feel that i always get things done wrongly. like my fate is rivetted to this hopeless cyclical hogwash or "you fucking fucked up!"
please reply me...
Wednesday, March 31, 2004, 09:20 p.m.

Lo, sires! O swiche sluttye me!!!
i realised i could get to use the com if i just made an effort to not meet anyone for dinner and waste my money away.
well. the current receptionist is going to be transferred to the HR department which means that i am going to be flying solo from tomorrow onwards.
well. but coming home early means that i'm gonna have to face my mom more often...
uh...
i'm going to go on a diet. haha. yeah yeah. for the thousandth time. i'm just gonna skip dinner when i'm not hungry...
but i'm always hungry... damn. i don't know ok... aight i'll just cut down on what i eat.
things are going on moderately well these days. i guess. i just need more cash. frankly.
ahhh.
get me a part-time job people. something that's not too stringent on requirements. cuz i have no experience. except for reception that is. well...
just leave me a message on the tag board if you've got anything alright?
thanks... but i've got a feeling you folks are trying to get a job too.
hmmm. good luck to all!
i miss watching sex and the city over at prasad's place. and i miss gin tonic. i wanna drink some time. but i ain't got no money. well well.
Wednesday, March 31, 2004, 07:14 p.m.

everyday's a day for miso.
no one would be able to understand my obsession with miso soup. i have more than recently changed one of my "19 Facts About The Webmistress" to show my dedication towards miso-consumption. well. it's bad for the kidney i guess. tomorrow i'm having hokkien mee with jasmine at bedok. my favourite stall.
that plate of lard is not only gonna strain my kidney, but also, warm my heart with a layer of fats.
which brings home a point. i don't watch my diet. i don't watch what i eat. and i don't watch the WAY that i eat. my mom is screaming at me cuz she found some muffin crumbs from the, rather unsurprisingly, muffin i managed to stuff into my system after a large bowl of miso soup with half a tofu stick and 5 sotong balls.
and it leads me to another point. my mom's a cumbersome b**** (censor for your loved ones everyone!). she was complaining about this brown sugar cake thing my auntie made. (she hates that aunt more than the cake she made.) saying it's disgusting. and how she actually spat things out.
3 minutes from last paragraph, my mom is still ranting. about the crumbs. i'm surprised she's not gonna vacuum the whole house. my relationship with my beloved mom is far from flawless. she performs random, yet frequent harakiris to my poor dismembered soul.
she's scolded me the most fanciful of terms. to name a few: whore, bitch, slut, c*** b**, useless idiot, stupid girl, "inferior to my brother and disgracing her" and "swearing to make my family poor" daughter, naive kid and my favourite. something lurid. crude. and reminds me of the female genitalia. to "adjectivise" it. it's rotting. or rotten. whichever pleases her.
she's here. beside me. scolding me. saying she's going crazy of of.. muffin crumbs. she says i'm torturing her. she says i'm only good at getting money from her.
which i agree. i am only good at getting money from her. i am dumb. i can't get into a uni. well. most prolly. that's the me she reads. to think i just made coffee for her.

aren't parents people we can't live without? they're so lovely.

teenage angst at its brillance. i'm nineteen. the age of my favourite number. but i'm afraid to head on further. cuz i'll age. get married. have kids. pay tax. and continued to be looked down upon by my mom no matter what becomes of me.
somehow, i surprise myself for being so concerned about how my mom views me.
i'm good in literature. well. moderately competent i'd say. and she says literature is a subject you can "SMOKE" your way thru.
i wish to place this stereotypical statement in the light of a debate. of a collection of ideas or sorts.
can we bluff our way thru lit essays?
not really. cuz. if you don't know your book. you can't meet the three and a half page requirement.
she should try doing lit. my brother too.
CUZ IT FUCKING IRRITATES ME WHEN PEOPLE BELITTLE LITERATURE.
ah. one reason why talking to science fac people gets to me negatively.
why tell me "lit is very easy one what" when you can't even get your sentence structure proper.
i feel angsty. i think my menses' coming soon.
i hear my mom's voice. she's opened the door.
i can't hear anything.
sometimes i wish i could. cuz when the aircon blasts and the air is dry, it keeps my eyes tearing.
your stuff are on the table. clear them. you've been procrastinating... you're so lazy. you're so useless...
the little things that get to her and the little things and get to me.
fuck.
Monday, March 29, 2004, 08:10 p.m.

weekend drama.
i'm pretty proud of my page. met "lb" (loverboy) and it was fun. we watched twisted. some lines were cheesy. but it sorta brought me back to my rl.stine days. the plot was good, seriously. but i think ashley judd looks much older now. hmmm. at least we know she's not done botox.
so i had a primary school class gathering yesterday. it was quite interesting. got to talk to my primary school teacher who still remembers me. it took em a long time to figure out who i am. and stuff. talked alot. people were surprised at how different i looked from the past.
lb's having some problems now. i hope he overcomes it. he knows i'm always there for him.
Sunday, March 28, 2004, 10:42 p.m.

new layout.
well. i was thinking of making a totally different layout for a homepage kinda thing. but i decided that. i'll just continue changing blog layouts cuz it's so much easier. more things will come. i guess. but now this space sure is empty. ah. it's been long since i last updated stuff. i apolgise. cuz i've been so tied up with work. and meeting friends after work. well. it's been relatively ok. considering that payday's next week.
i kinda like this layout. nothing like i've done before. shall write more soon. but now. meeting my loverboy comes at top priority.
till next time...
farewell.
Sunday, March 28, 2004, 03:49 p.m.