Rabbit Fixation.

I don't know why but Sugar finds a striking resemblance between me and rabbits.

His nieces call me rabbit. Nuff said.

It might be the way I sniff around, stare blankly and fidget while I'm stoning. But I'm suspecting it's because I have a huge ass and hence, the rabbit. Oh, make it the white one. Since I'm not very dark by human standards.

Rabbits are expensive. He went to check out the prices for Australian imported rabbits and they cost $600 each.

And while browsing at the pet shop (no pictures to be taken and so, he couldn't show me the white rabbit he spotted) he conversed with a saccharinely manja voice.

"How much is this?"
"It's a male."
Went on to talk about how you get $200 offif you buy the cage and food together. Blah blah.
"I want a female rabbit."
"I have one in my store."
Proceeds to take a look.
"Oh I want a white one."
"We have to fly them in fron Australia. It's out of stock now."


Speaking to me on the phone (mixed with the conversation we had later last night),
"I want to get a male and a female."
"Then they will fuck like rabbits!"
"Hump hump. You think they'll fuck all day?"
"I don't know! This rabbit here is into birds! I'm not a normal rabbit!"
"Have to do research."
Thinks of what to type on google: Do rabbits fuck have sex all day?

Very interesting.

We don't even know how rabbits bathe and clean themselves up, what they eat, what to cover their cage floors with. And we call ourselves rabbit lovers.
Time to do research! But before that, I've gotta go off to meet baby already.

Unfair.

I just wrote a seemingly sensible entry. And my internet connection had to fail on me. This is freaking irritating. I'm not made to blog sensibly anymore. I shall be bimbotic. It's predestined. Fated. OH MY GOD why are you doing this to me!

Anyway.

I'm going to try make a new layout. Hmmm. We'll see.

Just a lot of pictures and a lot of love.

The pictures are so nice! It helps when your boyfriend has a inner camwhore somewhere too. Pictures always capture the smiles we tend to lose too often.

HIM - Please Don't Let It Go

We're drifting apart
But I want you to know
Wherever you are I belong
Love's singing our song
But we fail to sing along
Wherever you go I will follow

So please don't let it
Please don't let it go
'Cause if you won't let it I won't let it go
So please don't let it
Please don't let it go
'Cause if you don't let it I won't let it go

You try to be strong
But you're always so alone
Whatever I do I do it wrong
Death sings our song
And we eagerly sing along
Whatever you do I adore
I adore

So please don't let it
Please don't let it go
'Cause if you won't let it I won't let it go
So please don't let it
Please don't let it go
'Cause if you won't let it I won't let it go
Oh no

Don't let go of life
Let go of love
Let go of all we have

So don't let go of trust
Let go of lust
Let go of all we share
All we share

So please don't let it
Please don't let it go
'Cause if you won't let it I won't let it go
So please don't let it
Please don't let it go
'Cause if you don't let it I won't let it go

So please don't let it
Please don't let it go
'Cause if you won't let it I won't let it go
Hey my darling
Please don't let it
Please don't let it go
'Cause if you won't let it I won't let it go
Oh no

While waiting for your call.

I wish I could give you sunshine,
Beam your days into a golden perfection,
Give you clouds that litter the sky,
That write your name when you flood my mind.

I wish I could give you warmth,
That never scalds,
That bathes you from your heart within,
That kisses your lips when the words begin.

I wish I could give you Love,
Of which I do, but bleeds you too.
Give Love that is perfect and beautiful,
Picturesque in truth.

I wish I could give you I,
Sacrifice life and pride.
I wish I could.
I wish I would.

But You wouldn't want me to.

Big headed bimbo.

You know why I look slightly smaller than I actually am?

Because my head is so big, my shoulders looks relatively small! Guilty by proportion!

I have proof.


My head is so big, I ought to be a genius!

But I'm bimbotic! Oh don't shoot me, at least you know I know I am one!



Taken while queueing outside Sizzler. It was supposed to be my treat but Sugar paid for it in the end. Thanks Baby. We were carrying our LCD around. I got a Philips LCD with a free mouse and keyboard! I actually wanted to change my desktop set and it was kinda like a win win deal. Other LCDs were cheaper. Samsung was 349. Viewsonic was 355. Mine's 379. But it comes with 3 years on site guarantee. I was kinda sold by that actually.

I wanted to get the Viewsonic one for 399 19"! But I thought I didn't need such a huge assed monitor. And good lord I didn't get it. Cuz I don't think my graphics card can tahan such a huge assed display! And my computer is nehnehly laggy.

Rawr.

WO DE TOU HEN DA.

I HAVE A NEW LCD MONITOR, OPTICAL MOUSE AND KEYBOARD!

I bought a Philips LCD monitor and the keyboard and mouse came free!

Baby helped me carry it back from Suntec. And we had dinner at Sizzler. It was fab. I love the Salad Bar.

Thank you Baby, and Happy Four Months again.

And I love you!

Timed out.

Just about ten minutes ago, I walked out of an exam hall early possibly for the first time in my life. It was kinda, guilt inducing. And somehow the superstitious mind of mine is attributing this intense sharp pain on my left mid torso side to my early departure from the exam hall. Like it's a sin and I have created one. For other papers, I could crap myself through and do a largely general societal analysis about almost every topic. But because this paper was Principles of Accounting, I forgot the formats I was chewing on yesterday and only managed to stare half blankly into the question paper. Like, I know what to do but not how to do it. Sweet.

But it's times like these that make me feel like studying hard. You know, the wake up call, so they call it. In fact, I hardly work hard for prelims because I know I will lose steam. Explains my D for econs during prelims and a subsequent E for A levels. I pretty much think my balls have swollen to the size of the galaxy when I complete my revision way beforehand, not realising that I have a memory of a goldfish.

Tomorrow's the last paper. As I told Sugar, it's a Sian paper on a Sian day at a Sian timing. Human Resource Management from 2pm-5pm on SATURDAY. Who the hell has exams on Saturday afternoons! I guess they give my lecturer no respect at all, that's why it's at such a sucky timing. WTH WTH WTH.

I'm going to get my LCD monitor tomorrow. After dinner at Sizzler with Sugar because it's our 4th month together already.

Part of me wishes that he needn't get a job because now I'm finally free for a couple of days or weeks before gearing up for my Main exams and there he's going to start working. This is FATE I tell you. FATE. Neh neh.

Anyway anyhow, since I won't be able to update my blog anytime later, or tomorrow, HAPPY 4 MONTHS YOU ADORABLE GAYLOOKING MANWHORIC SUGARHIGH OF THE UNIVERSE!

I wish I was a smarter person, but I am not and, I make mistakes like I drink water! Yeay.

I apologise for my inconsistencies. Because too many people (songs, drama, books... those voices in my head, ya know.) tell me, letting love is letting go.

And sometimes, I have a temper too. The sedated effect, trust me, is artificial.

Our relationship feels seasoned beyond age. Damn, I shouldn't have said I liked imperfection. Look what happened to me. And what I've done to you.

I think I'm pmsing. I'm off now, before I start writing a suicide note.

Maybe I'm just hungry.

Hello.

Just to say I love you and I don't want to sleep forever without you.

My Baby got a new desktop!

And his lappy will uh. Unofficially come under my possession! (Since Santa busted my monitor months ago and I have yet - maybe never - to draw out a sum of money from my budget to get a monitor.)

And how better else to celebrate it than to upload pictures! Totally irrelevant but, who freaking cares anyway! (I am obviously too high. Maybe it was the Rojak. Maybe it was the Horlick-peng.)

Trigger-me-happy!


Acting chio at 7 in the morning before school. So Minah a picture somehow. Hoop earrings always make me feel Minah.

I look hypnotised.

Lazy-eyed picture! I consulted a specialist when I was younger but gave up halfway because I was simply too lazy to cover an eye when I'm doing work. Because the vision is impaired and I get dizzy after a while. Lazy-eyed because I'm lazy. WAHAHHAHA.


Taken in Sugar's room. Congrats. I can now take act chio pictures with my V3i.

And smile! YOU LOOK LIKE A CHIPMUNK!

My Chipmunk.

I think I sound too happy!

Muggers should be crucified.

I wish I could call myself a mugger. But I can't. Even when I try to concentrate, my thoughts linger everywhere. And while I am seemingly burying my head in the books, I can't help but think about making a new layout. I even have all the concepts ready. I might just survive on fireworks because Sugar doesn't have adobe in his lappy and my forbidden celeron bitch is still monitorless.

Well, okay. I was thinking about putting up different sections to the blog. Which makes it a homepage eventually, not just a blog. There'll be slightly analytical (I hope.) pieces, ditsy blogs about what Sugar and I do and, well. Articles on things I like, like makeup, fashion, manicures. The chichi useless things that create a deficit.

Sugar and I were talking about it that day when I was plucking his eyebrows (HOHOHO GOD FORBID. NOW THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS ABOUT IT, HONEY.) that if I actually couldn't survive in school, I could pick up hairdressing, make-up artistic work, manicurist skills and stuff like that. Which I really, really, had sat down for a deep thought on. But, you know how the society goes. Skill based jobs weren't meant for Junior College students. Or so they thought. Only fields linked with the academia would be financed by parents or relatives. Other dabbles and doodles were and are regarded as a waste of time and money. Get the certificate first. I will never forget what my Mom told me when I told her I wanted to do fashion design.

"In every meal, there's a main course and side dishes. Fashion design is not a main course. It will not fill your stomach."

I guess many can say I was just too cowardice and say "Hey look at the various examples. They should be able to prove your Mom wrong." But as I am studying Elements of Applied and Social Psychology now, social norms and majority influence are words that make me understand where my Mom was coming from. In fact, where a good part of the Baby Boomers generation are coming from. Indeed, there are success stories like David Gan, Addy Lee, TG Goh who have made it big in the fashion industry in terms of make up and hairstyling. But, how many of them are out there? Not all of them strike it big. And it's either you do it or you don't. Either you get kachang puteh or that big fat macadamia.

Maybe it's a dream I will venture into when I get my degree and set things straight. I do not wish to work as a faceless 8.30-6.00 (You think still got 8-5 ah! Fat Hope!). But whatever is called a venture is an adventure. And that takes courage. Time. Sacrifices. And a bloody lot of money.

Why am I thinking about this when my prelims are tomorrow. I don't know. Somehow my mind is forced to think about bigger or more complex issues when exams are here. The rest of the time, I'm a lovesick amoebae. Single cell... Doop doop doop.

I like to call myself a failure. But I know I'm not. Because I still have prelims tomorrow. I still have a tomorrow to study for.

I DON'T WANT TO GRADUATE!

And you know why muggers should be crucified? Because they whine when they don't do well. Like. Get over it. Take it easy and blog a day before your exam. I was thinking, if I can psycho myself so well, I can hell be an aced shrink psychoing people to get off the ledge. Maybe, maybe. But before that, back to psychology.

I Wish You Love

I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this,
I Wish You Love

And in July, a lemonade,
To cool you in some leafy glade;
I wish you health and more than wealth,
I Wish You Love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best, my very best, I set you free.

I wish you shelter from the storm,
A cosy fire to keep you warm;
But most of all, when snowflakes fall,
I Wish You Love

The inappropriate parts have been omitted. But somehow the song captures how I felt a couple of weeks ago in such sensual essence. There were too many times when I tried to play sage and say "To love you is to set you free.". But the gutless whimper in me beckoned with a soft tug on the heartstrings. So forgive me if you were to suffer here, with me. I am selfish, I won't wish you love. But that, I'm willing to give.

I'm a step safe from becoming a lousy psychopath who pastes lyrics and writes notes about entrapment.

I wish you love. My love.

Psycho Psychology.

It's driving me crazy! I hate revising my Elements of social and applied psychology! It's so. TECHNICAL. ARGH. Amen. I think I'll just chow down my study guide and pray that miracles do happen.

Well, Sugarhigh has been really sweet coming over every other day early in the morning and brings along breakfast for the both of us. Hurhur.

Everytime exams arrive, I have an urge to change the layout for my blog. But I don't have adobe on Sugar's computer and so, well, I'll have to be stuck with this one for a while.

Recently, I discovered a couple of Sugar's weird habits. Of which, I am sworn to secrecy and have no right to divulge THEM. Hurhurhur.

It's funny how when the geographical distance between Sugar and I's residences sounds more like something to boast about than a problem. When my friends hear that he stays in Jurong West and I stay in Sengkang, they gasp, moan, "HUH???" out loud because we're so freaking far apart. The thing's that they think he's staying really close by because we meet almost everyday. And so when I tell them "he stays in jurong west. like boon lay and plus plus." I always beam with haolianness. Because I kinda think it shows how much he thinks I'm worth. Which is at least 3 hours of traveling time every time. Hurhur.

I was thinking about writing much more substantiative stuff but not having a ready computer system by your side really stumps all the thoughts and squash them into a pile of useless hay. Bah.

I'm off to study. But man, do I feel sleepy.

Gastric Flu.

Pretty much self-explanatory. Synonymous to torture, hell, trip to the lucifer's. You puke out things that you've digested to bits. Yellow acidic gall tasting crap. Hur.

It started with a simple sore throat. I guess it was a sign that my immune system was breaking down. Sugar came over on Friday. Things went downhill with my health and by Saturday morning, I was running a slight fever, to the loo and a puke marathon.

So Sugar brought me to the doctor's. Went home. And I went comatose. No energy. Hungry. No appetite. And I was puking every now and then.

I woke up this morning feeling much better. I guess my Mom's right. You've gotta fight it. She cajoled me to earn three stalks of chai sim and I recovered!

And the fluish feeling was still around but I'm very much better, thanks to the person who's staring at this screen sitting beside me.

I'm surprised my body recovered that fast. The previous time I had gastric flu, it was that intense of a torture but it lasted a good few days.

Exams are next week. Hohoho. I guess this is a sign. I'M not meant to STUDY. When I do, I fall sick. Ohm. It's destined.

Thanks Baby. Heh. For hearing me whine about how terrible I'm feeling and watching me puke. Ahem.

I'm going to have porridge! I had white plain tasteless porridge yesterday, duck porridge this morning and I'm going to have my Mom's power porridge later.

Gastric Flu sucks.

Jobs.

I'm torn between concentrating on my studies and getting that extra bit of income coming in. It's a difficult choice because everyone has a different perspective on the issue. I'm not even sure about my capabilities myself. I've never given up much for studies. It was always the last thing on my mind.

I need the money. I need the time. Argh. I need to save 1.9k by next January. Which means I need to earn an average of 200 a month. Good luck to me. Because I'll be having long breaks. And on top of that, things I buy which is not under my Mom's account anymore. I don't want to rely on them as much.

It's a tough choice. And as of all mu previous predicaments, I don't know how to make a choice because I've yet to see my alternatives. It's only when I realise my alternatives that I can make a decent choice.

Oh, so before that, I've got a sore throat. RAWR.

And he told me it is Valentine's everyday.

This morning, after a seemingly deep, depressing conversation over the phone with Sugarhigh last night, he came over earlier than I expected when I was still sleeping to surprise me. With breakfast and coffee, before 9am.

He said he knew I was feeling low the night before so he came over especially early to make things a little better for me.

I shouldn't have thought you would bear to hurt me even when I did. I'm sorry I doubted you.

Well. He got my favourite beehoon from my favourite stall and my favourite kopi-c-kosong which ended up as just kopi-c because of that kuku person at the kopitiam.

It was sweet. No wonder he declined cooking pasta for me this afternoon because he thought the supermarts weren't open yet when he gave the surprise and he wanted to come down asap to shock me up from sleep.

I'm happy. I am. The pain subsides easily these days. And it only creeps in when I get my bolts of low esteem.


What's with that look!




On our way back from Jurong West. I wish I didn't stay that far away.

Thank you for all that travelling. That's far enough already.

My Saint Valentine.

I had class the entire day yesterday. It was only after school that I got to live my day as a Valentine's. Nonetheless, the day was still really really young.

So while I was in class chewing notes, squinting into blank spaces and exercising my fingers on my phone, Sugarhigh travelled all the way from Boon Lay to Dhoby Ghaut to get an exchange for a new phone for my a little cranky V3i. I'm suay with techie gadgets. So, yeah.

They didn't have stock for the phone although the office siode confirmed the exchange. We have to wait till the manager calls us. But that made Sugar so hot, he didn't only caramelise. He charred. Hurhur. Ie. He was kinda bitter and I became the nearest victim. Uh huh...

We eventually met up after my classes ended. Travelled back to Sengkang after he showed me the 60/99 hearts that he was making for me for Valentine's. They're roughly A4 size folded . That was really sweet, because he's not done anything like that for anyone and no one had done anything like that for me either. So, I cried a little on the train. I don't think he realised. But. Hurhur.

Then we went back to Compasspoint to get flowers for my Mom for my Dad. We went to Cold Storage (cuz it's dirt cheap) and got a $12 bouquet for my Dad and I chose an economical bunch of $15 red roses. Because I'd rather not have all that wrapping and put it in a vase. And because it's cheap la. And I supposedly got a stalk of sunflower for my Mom. $5. Damn cheap.

Then, Sugar got us 5 small mouse cake thingies that form a flower at Breadtalk and I got him a soft toy keychain bunny thing at a shop facing Breadtalk. Hurhur. I'm bipolar.

And then, we ordered pizza. Got back, had pizza (which eventually was finished by my parents cuz they were too lazy to get out and queue for dinner because my Dad didn't make a reservation) and Sugar continued to fold the hearts. He finished by 11 I think. I was trying to tie them up but failed. The hearts went flying everywhere when I tightened the ribbon. So I placed all in a ziploc bag. An easy 2 minute solution after a 1 hour struggle. We had the cake thingie that tasted not bad but I wished it was more sour and eventually fell asleep. I cried twice because I was touched, again. He was short of 2 hearts. He drew out 1 piece of paper from two packets of 50 and assumed there were 99 pieces of paper. We suspected that they either fell out of the paper bag or the paper flew away or the maufacturer sneakily ate a piece of paper out of each pack. I think the last explanation is the most believable.

This morning, Sugar made me breakfast. Maggi Mee and Milo and German (I think it is...) pork sausages. Although the maggi mee was a little bland, milo was a little diluted, and only the sausages were perfect, I loved everything he made. Because he doesn't even cook his OWN noodles at home. I was really touched. Really. Nothing had to be perfect to be perfect. And momentarily, I felt that all the obstacles we went thru was well worth it. Like I could give myself a pat on the back and say it's all well worth it because it just is. That all the trouble possibly happened because there's no free lunch. And he's so PMS cuz he's so sweet. It's like. You've gotta donate some money you won from a lottery or else your car will crash theory.

He sent me to Dover later. And I went to school. And I'm at his place now again. Don't be insecure. I really do want to see you every second.

So I'm going to bomb the pictures in now. Haha.

Good luck.



The cakes.





Sugar and the 97 hearts. The last 2 were made with red paper I provided and he was made to write something for me. (He's not exactly comfortable with his own handwriting.) So I kept them in a glass jar to read them every now and then.



The roses.



The sunflower that was actually meant for him.

Oh, I got him a music box thingie with the Romeo and Juliet tune and made a heart shape card that opens with the unknotting of a ribbon, on top of the rings and the V3i you can say we got each other. Everything was split into half.


The SK Jewelry wedding rings. Hurhur. True Love series, alright!

Happy Valentine's Baby. The look on your face when you realised I didn't write anything on my blog on Valentine's morning was so cute.

Love ya.

Small in comparison.

In group photos, I've always stood out by sheer size. I realised I actually CAN look small.





SEE! I look small(er) beside Sugarhigh. LOL. I actually find the pictures acceptable. WOOO. Pictures can only deceive when they are mugs. I don't blame them!

Snowball.

Everytime I think I'm on the right track,
Doing the right things,
My mistakes snowball
To make us an artic defect.

Motorola V3i.

I changed my bomb of a phone Nokia 6260 for a brand new Motorola V3i that boasts better stereo sound quality music, 1.23megapixel camera photos, iTunes and most superbly, a 256mb Sandisk Transflash card. Compared to Nokia, who only gaved me bloody 32mb for a Symbian phone, I was easily bought over by the size of the memory card they provided with the handset. Although there isn't a built in radio, I still have my 6610 so that's good enough.

I went to service my phone in hope of giving it a new leash of olife but Nokia pretty much screwed me up. After they upgraded my software, my MMC card supposedly had some corrupted files conflicting with my system which made it hang and go unresurrected. My 512mb MMC card went to waste there and then, so nothing really held me back when I realised I could trade in my phone for $250 at Singtel. That tattered 6260 when elsewhere, pardon the bengs, offered only 180 because my phone looked rather. Peeling.

So when my Sugarhigh who skives when he works saw an ad on Today saying there's this $598 for Razr V3i with two year contract, Second V3i free with another new line sign-up, I was tempted beyond salvation. Went down to Hello! Orchard, saw a good student plan (I had to exploit that.) that gave me free incoming and 1000smses a month, found out my Nokia's trade in price and the next day, which was yesterday, got the phone at Hello! Compasspoint. No time to lose, really. I was just freaking irritated by the fact that my phone only had 32mb. And Nokia Care pretty much disgusted me.

I went to Nokia Care to change my headset. They gave me a faulty one. Second time, still is. Since I can't connect it to my 6610. The person claims that my 6610's, connection is faulty. I tried Sugar's headset last night and it was working perfectly. It's such a joke when a new headset actually performs worse than the originally damaged one. Maybe they just recycle their stuff, who knows. But I was really disappointed.

But Motorola service centre is rather kuku too. The queue is like LONG and there's no common database in the system to check repair records.

Choy. Let's just pray everything goes on well. Oh, and my phone's warranty card is under Gary's name and Gary's in under my name. Wahaha. I just mixed them up and filled them up wrongly.

Ooo. I shall take pictures of my new Baby soon. OMG!

So ahbeng hor, Sugar and I got couple phones leh.

And now I'm broke beyond belief.

The FOOD and the couple rings and the couple..

SAUSAGE! $4.50 and tasted heavenly.

I had turkey ham with foccacia bread with cranberries. Coffee Club should close down.




What's with that sultry smile. Somehow, I don't dare to tell him but. IT'S NO WONDER THE GAY MOLESTED YOU SWEETY! LOOK AT THAT COME HITHER FACE! ARGH.

We got a flash of light from GOD! Don't we look like we're in HEAVEN? OHM.

WOOO! Someone's having his 21st birthday barbeque tomorrow. Hmmm. I don't know what you think but I'm reluctant to grow up yet I feel old and tattered at 21. Maybe I'm bipolar. And maybe that's why I'm still bloody alive!

Chinese New Year.

Where have my Newmoon abalone gone!

Boo. I'm at my second home.

Bah. We're heading back to my first one soon. Hurhurhur.

Baby Baby Baby. I can be strong really. I have the courage. Now you have to give me the opportunity.

Foodie blogs.

A long time ago, I cooked for Gary and took some snapshots. Then there was our second month dinner at Bakerzin. Then there was the occasional Tuesdays with Gelare. It's been a long time since I uploaded shots. There you go!



Fried udon and miso soup!



Bakerzin! The souffle was below expectations.


Tuesdays with Gelare.


I think my teeth is getting more and more... screwed up. Possibly because of my wisdom teeth. I have this feeling they're starting to protrude. Shit.


And I'm putting this photo up although I look like crap because my baby looks cute and that's the thing I care about. I mean. Not about his cuteness but about him. Uhhh.

Yeah.

Forever 21.

Damn that was cheesy! Sugar's turning 21 and I made him an e-invitation with Fireworks. Can you believe it? The Adobe bitch can actually manage within the constraints of ignorance surrounding Fireworks! Not the best I could achieve. But it's still pretty anyway. And I like it.



MUAHAHAHA. I think I'm going to change my layout soon. I have no idea how I'm going to do that without adobe but I'm going to try. Try getting adobe that is.

MUAHAHAHA!

Words.

They are evil things. Especially for someone like me who values them so much. The scars are wounds, once again.

Paranoia.

What do we do, if one day, the past sneaks up and haunts us, catching us totally off guard? And ruins everything we've built from scratch? When you've been made to believe that all's been told and clarity is crystalline? Seeps in and blots the eye, shuts the ear with a deafening crack of the heart?

And maybe I'm just being paranoid. But we all know how life can be such a cruel, gruelling joke when we least expect it to pull a prank.

I'm recovering, I swear I am. But I cannot bear a blow yet again.

Memoirs of a Geisha.

It's silly how when I started to cry the most, cineleisure just switched the lights on on me and exposed my running eyes to everyone. It's horribly embarrassing but I would have cried anyhow.

The show was nice. Really. Pumpkin was so adorable. And so poor a thing. One of those stories that end happily. Which was good. It's always good to have some hope at the beginning of the year. Imagine watching Schindler's List on new year's day. Besides killing Hitler, you'll feel like killing yourself too. Morbid.

Anyway. I'm going to PS today with Sugar. When meeting everyday was a bonus/luxury in the past, it's becoming a source of subsistence. Die die die.

I'm feeling a little under the weather. But well. CNY's coming. I've just gotta take care.

The next week is going to be hectic. Visiting, Gary coming over, me going over, his 21st bash amidst my obsessive "lou-ing" of yu sangs. Our schedule's clash because his party is on the 7th day of the new lunar year and that's the day when it's the day for all mankind, everyone's birthday. Funny how he's going to have his birthday with everyone else. Uh...

I love yusang. Love it. Ask me out for yusang is you guys want to ask me out at all. Gary will help us lou as well. Heee.

Mommas actually wanted Gary to join us in the lou-ing but his friend's 21st birthday falls on the same date that we brought the lou-ing session forward to because his own birthday party falls on the same day that we usually lou.

Ah nevermind. There'll be chances. I hope I won't traumatise him to insanity by then. Hurhur.

2.5 months. The last few weeks have been quite a learning journey for me. Where I got to know more about Gary and ultimately, I learnt to learn about learning about myself.

A Thousand Miles

Nothing can more aptly describe my relationship with Gary. I mean, well, the walking a thousand miles to see you part especially. Because, we really live really really far away.

And I'm grateful that he makes an effort to travel to the north east from his freakingfarwest.

I don't want to let this go.

Sidenote.
The coin shaped bagua that my aunt bought for us (the kind that everyone says is made of unwanted minced meat and taste like crap of which I am in love with) has little white spots on it. Have you ever seen bagua with gravy? The shop assistant must have had an IQ of a peanut. Luckily, my mom opened it up before mushrooms sprouted to welcome the new year. I guess it's quite auspicious a sign. Things growing are only part of spring.

Sugarhigh and I are going to catch Memoirs of the Geisha today. Booked the tickets and they were quite sold even for a 3pm monday afternoon show at 12 freaking am this morning. What the hell. Loads told me the book is better. But, let's face it. It happens to every freaking film from a best seller. Harry Potter(s), Hitchhiker's Guide. Even classics like Pride and Prejudice and Midsummernight's Dream and whatever are slammed every now and then for the lack of depth of this, lack of detail on that. Enough, folks. If you want to not complain, don't ever watch a movie from a book. Burn the book, drink it down as talisman and tell yourself it's the best version ever, even if it's the only one.

If anything went wrong with Geisha, I wouldn't know. I don't read. I mean, I only read poetry. And I don't suppose they can make a movie out of a collection. I'm a lazy reader so I guess for me, it's not really a matter of choice. I just only have the movie to bring me as close to the main story as possible.

And I can't stand critics who slam everything on papers. I'm really sorry but who the hell are you guys? Every movie is a production. And there's some message to be conveyed. Strong enough and I will recall it. If not, just enjoy how it's struggling to be gotten across.

Maybe it's because I don't look at the surface of films. I dissect every freakintg character and part and do a thematic analysis and zoom into diction, tone, blah blah blah.

I'm a Literature student gone wrong. Really. And now I'm only neurotic!

I've been meeting Sugarhigh everyday. I wonder if our wounds are healing. But I know, we're getting to know what each other want and expect and what it takes to guide each other along the way. Some people tell me it's because we got together too fast. But I think, these are things you'll only get to know when you're attached to someone. I'm not complaining, and I'm never going to. Because we're both willing to learn, tit for tat, and I appreciate that. Thank you.

I told you I wasn't perfect. But you didn't expect me to be so flawed. So I'm falling now. Now and in your heart. So save me.

What we do best.

My Marketing essay written during a test that I didn't study for using certain unnameable tactics got photocopied and distributed as a model essay.

Yes I'm the Holy Queen of Crap. Bow down.

Many people have employed my services in long-ifying their written works. Yes. I can make it all sound natural.

Even if it's the only thing I execute properly as a homosapien, I do it best.

So shoot me.

I need to revise seriously soon though. You need some foundation to build crap on. To save my essays from sounding unartfully general paper-ish.

Two months with my darling. He said it's a fairytale that we fell for each other so quickly. But I told him, it's been added an element of reality the day we had a big fight. So no, this is no Cinderella or Beauty and the Beast (HAHAHA. AHEM.). This is Days of Our Lives!

It's sappy. But that's what adds the sugar.

For the new year.

I realised I'm going to twenty one this year not without a reason or meaning to it.

It suddenly occured to me that, I'm going to step into adulthood and amongst other things, a serious pit of shit.

But I don't have a choice do I? Even if I'm ill-prepared (read: immature) for this whole expiring teen thing, time as fair it is, it is unfair. And this is going to push me into unfamiliar space soon anyway. Not that it would care about how much I still want to be a kid. Pass the border and you'll be called immature for any silly thing to do, which was one, reminiscently called cute.

I opened this year learning important lessons. And I guess you never really know your flaws till you see another person suffering the effects of your damnable idiosyncrasies.

As painful and costly as they might have been, the revelations that followed gave me a slightly morbid realisation that it was the guy up there, with the driest sense of humour, giving me a blessin g in disguise.

I guess growing up is always painful. If it's not painful, you've not grown up at all.

And it doesn't take a person to leave this world to remind you how important it is to treasure whatever that person has to give or how much you want to give that person. At least, now I know, I won't regret at the end of the day weeping into someone's coffin. And I'm glad I retrieved someone, even though I'm still far from perfect.

2nd month.

My Baby's laptop is with me at the moment and it's ubercool! I'll update soon. I love you Baby.

For the new year.

I can't even remember when was the last time I updated my blog. If not for occasional chances to use Sugarhigh's lappy, I'd be feeling so lost by the time I reappear officially in cyberspace with a new monitor.

But one thing I have to say is that, I got a Dorothy Parker poetry book from Sugarhigh on the eve of new year, which really was a surprise. No one has ever gotten me a book, save a poetry book (which is about the only thing I read these days.). Well, you can't count those dusty Enid Blyton's of course. Everyone gave me books when I was a kid cuz they thought (or so they thought) I was a clever, studious girl. Yeah right.

So I'm really happy that I got a book. Especially when it's something I always wanted but couldn't bring myself to purchase (I don't buy books). And it was really sweet of him to get it for me. (By the way he got me a pair of earrings from Citigems for Christmas.)

It was a turbulent year but the ending is sweet as hell (or heaven). YES.

2006 is gonna be good.

Santa busted my monitor with his sleigh.

I henceforth officially declare the much regretted death of my compaq 15" darling. Which, really, sucked even before it died. I am so eager to say "Good Riddance!" but the financial constraints are stuffing my mouth up to a gag.

So now that my brother's finally empathetic enough to offer me some usage of his lappy, I am more than happy that I'm able to at least tell you guys that my online existence shall come to an unwilling hiatus.

My face just got darker. I'm not as fair anymore. Horrid sun. HORRID. How am I going to face the world with a rusty face?

I did all I could last night. Exfoliate, honey mask. Loads of moisturiser. God what's wrong?! I want my complexion back. The bitch is that, my arms are still fair. It's only my face. WASSUP man.

I'm too depressed to type any longer. I'm just praying that my complexion will get lighter with my intensive treatments. Bitch is the sun. The sun is the bitch.

All I want for Christmas is You.

I can shop all the malls in the world. But, seriously. All I want for Christmas is you.

Plaza Sing for groceries, for now.

HRM

I came to school early to do my Accounting assignment and to attend/crash an afternoon Human Resource Management class (Lo and Behold shall you SIM administrative staff not see this. But you can't hold me liable for anything anyway because...) Unfortunately, my lecturer is sick and the lectures are cancelled for the day. Call me ill-fated, bad lucked or whatever. This is really, really bad.

Well, at least Jialin is here to accompany me and later, help me out with my Accounting assignment (Let's just say, we check and balance out each other because she's a little muddled and knows the structure, I remember the concepts better but am too lazy top give shit to structures. It's the Capricorn meets the Gemini. This is mutual dependency at it's optimum.)

So I'm using my school's computer at the moment. I bunned up my hair (just for fun) and I am in a relatively good mood again, though my Baby's having a really upset stomach and is resting at home. Poor thing. His computer's away for maintenance (It was making a hell lot of sounds that sounded like a cd imploding in his cd-rom but he knew better) and he can't surf/chat/watch porn or do anything. Hur. Hur. Hur.

Sorry for gloating at your demise Baby. But you've just turned into a no-lifer like me. Which really isn't a bad thing because, I'm just ranting rubbish here. Omg. I'm a blonde airhead in school. At least, I think I sound like one!

Well then. Something to make the laxating boyfriend feel better.

Darren Hayes - So Beautiful

Whether I'm right or wrong
There's no phrase that hits
Like an ocean needs the sand
Or a dirty old shoe that fits
And if all the world was perfect
I would only ever want to see your scars
You know they can have their universe
We'll be in the dirt designing stars

And darlin' you know
You make me feel so beautiful
Nowhere else in the world I wanna be
You make me feel so beautiful

Whether I'm up or down
There's no crowd to please
I'm like a faith without a clause to believe in it
And if all the world was smiling
I would only ever want to see your frown
You know they can sail away in sunsets
We'll be right here stranded on the ground
Just happy to be found

You make me feel so beautiful
Nowhere else in the world I wanna be
You make me feel so beautiful

I have lost my illusions
I have drowned in your words
I have left my confusion to a cynical world
I am throwing myself at things I don't understand
Discover enlightenment holding your hand

You are..
So Beautiful

I've been trying to look for this song online. But since I'm not the meister of piracy, I always fail to get the latest song. One, because I lousily deleted Bitorrent from my system and two, I'm too lazy to download it again and three, I'm still too lazy to download it.

But it's a song I wanted to send to you since the first time I saw the MTV on cable. You prolly have the song already but I guess this will just make it sound that tad bit nicer the next time you hear it WHEN you get your lappy back.

I hope you'll feel better soon. You'd better do because if you don't, you aren't going to get to read this since GPRS kills your phonebills and your only alternative access online is the system at your workplace.

Puckers. Loads of it. You'll get well soon. When you read this, you'd prolly realise that, I might get to see you sooner than we planned.

This is getting bimbotically sappy. I shall write a poem soon. Urge! I need to read more. And maybe I should get a Dorothy Parker collection. Christmas is coming. Any volunteers? I love her poems. Hinthint. Hint.

This is for You.

e.e. cummings - i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

The poem from In Her Shoes that makes perfect sense to be dedicated to Gary. It was meant to be a surprise movie ticket that would give us this show that hasn't been screened yet. So treat it like a sneak preview. And by not much of a surprise (which felt more like this sneaky conspiracy that set me going "ORH! NO WONDER!"), every ticket came with a Tangs shoe voucher worth $20 applicable with any $100 purchase. This is daylight robbery. RAWR. But the tickets only cost $5 each. Thanks for the treat Baby.

For those less informed wondering why the entire poem is in small caps and the poet's name is a little more than obscene if not, bewilderingly in small caps, too, it's his style. He never (I stand to be corrected) writes with capital-letters. Non-conformist. Very, very liberating.

And it's surprising how a seemingly blonde, feel-good movie made me feel like writing poetry again.

I carry you in my heart.

Yes you, my Sugarhigh.

The schedules for the next few days (Hohoho!)

Tuesday Class for the entire day, dinner and movies with Gary as PS.

Wednesday Class in the afternoon, dinner and christmas grocery pre-shopping survey with Gary at Suntec Carrefour.

Thursday Accounting assignment in the mornin, class in the afternoon, dinner with Jialin for her Birthday celebrated in advance. GLUTINOUS RICE BALLS DAY! Winter Solstice.

Friday Delivery of new furiniture, grocery shopping for Christmas at Carrefour with Gary, arrangement of new furniture and packing of the holy-messy! room. Gary will be my Maid. I should get him a french maid uniform. Talk about fetishes.

Saturday CHRISTMAS EVE! TWO DAYS OFF FROM WORK! Preparation of Christmas dinner. Heading to Uncle's house for some taoist deities birthday, Christmas dinner at home with Family and Gary. Spending Christmas night with Gary at home.

Sunday CHRISTMAS! Meeting Sec 4/2 girls at 3. Exchange of presents, heading over to Gary's sister's place for (sort of a) Christmas dinner. I have no idea what to wear.

Monday BOXING DAY! Tentative trip to Malaysia. Gary included. HE'S EVERYWHERE ON MY SCHEDULE! But I'm not complaining.

What a packed week. This is going to be fun.

Long Overdue.

This probably is long overdue. It's been an eon of time since I last wrote coherently about any concept or idea that I yanked off my head, making sophomore attempts to make sense out of the complexity and variability of this world. And then, I stopped. Because life became comfortable with the introduction of Sugar and with the festive season clinking the bells against my head, it's difficult to sit down and talk about the ills of this world like I used to. Because I'm not in a dilemma anymore. My studies are okay and far more meaning-and-purposeful than the past decade of my life. The only predicament I guess is work. And it sucks, you know, when you know you are starting to mess things up, screw things up, taking innumerable days of leave and falling sick once a month. Well, it's funny how I study Human Resource Management in school and then go to work and still fail in motivating myself or seeking commitment from deep within. My bet is that, the structure I am placed in allows me not to have these emotions invested in my job. But those are well nigh characteristics or periphery postitions. I don't blame them but I blame myself for falling into those lot of faceless employees who see all things external.

I ought to start reading the dictionary again. My range of vocabs have shrunk. We know that language is actually, really quite mathematical.

I've stopped writing poetry. Which is in a way, a blessing. Because prior to this, I was writing foolhardy moonstruck poems that really meant nothing at all besides manifesting petty crimes and telling the world how broken my heart is when I didn't realise that it was just bruised and needed time to heal. Because if it really was broken, I wouldn't have been able to fall in love again.

I acknowledge the fact that this little space have been turned into a "romantic novel" as the Lover has aptly tagged it. Because that's the first priority of my life at the moment. Looking back at my blog entries, they all described the moment. When I was in Junior College, entries were about how much I wanted to breakaway from this system and do what I want, seeking solace in Literature and using it as my sole driving force. When I headed on to work for a while, waiting for my results and later the reply from NUS, it was a mixture of agony, anticiptation and the silly loosening grasp on HOPE. And when I failed, I plummeted into the unfamiliar grounds of abyss and felt like it was the end of the world. Fortunately for me, there's always someone there to tell me that it's only the end because I don't know the paths behind that door.

And fast forward it to now. I'm very much in love and wish to write about it. Because that's my life now and my blog is about what is happening to me.

I've never felt lost when I couldn't contact someone even though I know he's away and is unable to reach me because of boundaries and not the willingness to. I knew he would call whenever he could. It was all pretty daunting. Because he was only away for a night.

We talked about our increasing mutual dependency. It's only been a month but there's so much of it. A big unhappy thing happened yesterday. But it's meant to be forgotten since it has been resolved. Well, at least, sort of. Some things take time. Most do. Even that five minute can of soup in your microwave.

And I've never liked taking people for granted. I've always told him that we shouldn't, take each other for granted. But I did. On Saturday. And it pained me to see him hurt and still fighting within himself to check whether I'm okay, switching the focus from him to me and back again. And it wrung me inside even more. Because even when I've let him down, even when he was disappointed, he was struggling to censor himself to cushion the effects of the words he spoke and making sure he told me how hurt he felt as best as he could without consequently being harsh on me. He's a darling. He didn't deserve that.

That's why when he told me, he felt that he didn't deserve me at the beginning of the relationship, I told him that I might not deserve him even more. Because I'm prone to silly, foolish crimes that hurt the people around me. Things I do that'll conveniently break my word or someone elses' heart as a result. When I repeatedly told him that "We shouldn't take people for granted.", he might have mistaken it as my fear that he would take me for granted. In fact, it's merely a reminder to myself. Because I always get carried away, and take people for granted. I have too many flaws. Too little goodness. Always ill-disciplinedly pushing thresholds and limits of others. I try to keep myself on the path but it's difficult at times. And this could be my downfall, since the people who you perceive as having a greater threshold because you actually am familiar with theirs are the ones closest to you. I hurt the ones I love easily. I'm rash, weak-minded. Lost, generally. And I told him that I needed him to put me back on the ground.

It sounds like a burden to him, this responsibility. I'm sorry, for having to do so much just to hold someone you love. And my love. I'm sorry that I'm far from perfect. And maybe that's why I believe in the beauty of imperfection. Because it's the only thing I can achieve. Making myself sound like an idealistic dreamer with an arcane concept when, really, I'm as practical as a water closet, justifying my flaws with my preferences, masking everything with vague mental notes and whimsical ideologies.

Now, it sounds like I'm taking advantage of him. Because he loves me and therefore the onus is on him to keep me on track. The thing is, he is the only one who can. That is the very seed of my dependency. I need him around. To stop me from damaging myself. And coupled with the emotions, feelings, romantic notions, attraction, whatever else I have for him that makes me smile when I see his face, I think I am a little more than in love.

Because others can try so hard to save me, make me smile when what I need from you, is nothing else, but your very existence.

Thank you. Because you've kept me measured for more than a month. And because you'll have to suffer from my lack of thought and memory for a long time, I suppose. Not that I'm a sadist and enjoy seeing you be in pain since I can quite be one, but I can't see myself walking without you anymore.

I was domesticated. And then I turned CHICHI.

My dining table is obviously not made for fine dining. Nevermind that. Well, I cooked dinner for Gary and myself on Wednesday. You know, just one of these things women with big ego do to remind themselves of that dusty traditional role of the domesticated submissing creature. Well, it's fun. As long as it's not an obligation or responsibility. EEEKS.


Pork pasta with cheese. That's before you mix it.


And that's after.


That was before he had the dinner. Well, he'd tasted it. But we cooked so much that his afterdinner face is not THAT cheery anymore. LOL.

AND THEN, I WENT SHOPPING WITH JIALIN AT ORCHARD YESTERDAY.


I bought this preppy top for $29. I seldom buy tops above $20 but this one was irresistible with the tweed finish on top and lace and THAT RIBBON. OMG, kinky shit! It looks fab with pearls. And, yes pictures are deceiving. I look OKAYLY figured here. Hurhurhur. And yes. I always have matched chichi tops with denim skirts. It's kinda like a fashion suicide but I like it. KILL ME, BITCH!


NEW SHOES. It's the blue version of a green pair PZ wore that day. I was shopping around for shoes with the strap at the back so that the heels won't cut me. They were the only pair with decent height and that chichi pattern's so adorable. I tried it on, felt comfortable even for my bazhang feet and I decided to buy it after PZ agreed. Hehe. OMG it's so pretty!





This is how much I adore the pair of shoes!

After walking a little, we went pass this lingerie shop at fareast.



!!! Cami with slits at the nipples! OMFG! What's wrong with people these days! LOL.

After taking a break from my loverboy, I realised, I'm obsessed, addicted and STALKER-esque about him. OH GOD. Good Lord we're meeting this evening. I'm bringing him to eat my favourite kway chap from tampines 201 central. OMG I tell you. They make pork so irresistible!

DECEPTION.

Scroll down a little and you'll see the picture I uploaded merely hours (actually only 2) ago and the after picture with makeup and a miraculous folding back of eyelids. Now. NEVER trust pictures that girls post up online. They can be so deceiving, dating sites are successful! In pulling in male membership that is. The horror strikes when they meet up. RAWR.





SEE! I'M a BLOODY LIAR!



But I do miss you. Amongst all the lies I've told with my unscrupulous photoshopping, makeup skills and superb webcamera-photographic skills, that, is not a lie.

RAWR!

RAWR.

What happened to my eyes? I thought it only happens when I cry the night before, before sleep? THIS IS SO TERRIBLE.

How many girls are willing to bare their dark rings and eye bags before the world? HOW MANY OF THEM?

Bow down now. NOW!

15.

Saccharine. Too many people have given this word an unjustly negative connotation. When the word saccharine is used to describe a person or an event, it's always filled with the notion to cloy. But when I learnt that word, it meant extreme sweetness. To me, there wasn't anything artificial in the understanding of that word. And I hardly am dictated by the rules of the English language and so, to me, the past 15 days have been saccharine.

We've watched movies, been over at each other's place to have dinner (I cook for him and his Mom cooks for me. Lol.), bought each other's Christmas present in hope of secrecy and let's all try to forget how I most embarrassingly gave myself away like a free pie, had so much fun, it didn't feel like 360 hours and learnt to miss someone even when we feast our eyes and mind for intense couples of hours.

Well, maybe sweetness in a relationship isn't supposed to be saccharine at all. But well, maybe it's saccharine to me because I've never tasted sugar.

Get me up on that Sugarhigh.

Pride and Prejudice.

Reminded me of the flicks we used to watch in school. For Literature. Really nice accents, woven dresses, unruly hair and barely-there makeup. Where the beauty isn't always gorgeous and plastic. The beauty being someone like a diamond in the rough. Someone you'll have to stare at for hours before being enticed. A flick where directors care less about pretty angles. Whatever brings out the storyline, not the nitty aesthetics that signatures Hollywood.

My Baby was sick. And since he'd booked the tickets already, we just had to carry on with the movie-going though he was on MC.

I thought he'd fall asleep but he didn't. Good. He has no idea what kinda films he's in for next time. HURHURHUR. Now now, finally someone who's mildly obliged to watch non-understandable stuff with me. Though I won't force him but, well. I doubt he's the kind who rejects things he hasn't experienced before. Right?

15th day I'm meeting him. Rawr.

A hell lot of pictures.

For our first month, Sugarhigh brought me to Beboz on Sunday. He came to fetch me from work, as usual, and wore shirt and pants on a weekend away from work because I was wearing a dress and refused to look like I'm his Mom.








My Baby with his "Lobby Chicken".


His food! Delish. DELISH!


Lobster Spaghetti. ROCKED MAN. IT ROCKED.

Go dine at Beboz everyone. NOW! Beside NewsRoomBar.


The Big Fat Rose that made me smile.


At The Book Cafe. Opposite Gallery Hotel. Not exactly opposite but, heck.


I swear I was staring at the camera. Holy. My eyes were crisscrossed.


From the red seats you should know that it's BILLY BOMBERS!


FINALLY the SLUT finished his A-levels. GOD!


I had the All Star Burger 1-for-1 coupon I got from a lucky dip the previous time I was there. WHOOPS ASS MAN. Two eggs, loads of bacon, ham, cheese and the chicken patty that makes Billy Bombers. Prasad had the beef one. HE ACTUALLY ATE! THAT SLUT ACTUALLY ATE! To think he normally survives on sticks of vegetables and quarters of Subway.


It all started off normally.


Don't you think he looks like Maksim here? THAT'S NOT A BAD THING AT ALL YOU KNOW?


And things started getting a little ditsy, as you can see from my expression.


Evidently, after some really intoxicating drinks like the Chocolate Milkshake and Pink Pussycat,


Our true colours beamed out like hell.


What is blondehood without the signature bimbo expression? A follow up of that silly picture we took during Prom 2003 which Prasad very nicely framed up. Well, I bet this looks better than that one. With all that cruelty in life, you naturally look more haggard and hence loose all that puff in the face. Not all THAT puff but at least, some of it.


And we started to make a serious fool outta ourselves. We realised we never pulled this kinda expression when we were younger. And since we're expiring teens, it's our last chance.

Caught up with PZ (Holler!), Lin and Yonghui on Friday. The crepes at Marche don't taste good anymore.

It was a great week. Fun company. And also because, officially, today, it's the 13th consecutive day I'm meeting Sugarhigh. We're watching Pride and Prejudice tomorrow and meeting on Wednesday as well. 15 days. Well, beats the 12 days of Christmas hands down. With all that Sugar, I need a white christmas no more.

GOD, IT'S SNOWING SUGAR!

First Month.

And I'm making it sound like it's an occasion to distribute red-dyed eggs and kueh. It's been a blast of a month. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A MONTH ALREADY.



I've gotta run to school now. I've uploaded everything but not blogged it yet. Well, at least I GOT SOMETHING DONE.

This picture pretty much sums it up. A big fat rose and the bimbo with a spastic smile. Why do people look silly when they're in love?

Thanks Baby. You've been the sweetest Sugarhigh ever.

Decisions.

I have many decisions to make. But too little or too many choices. Either end of the spectrum sucks. But dilemmas suck the worse. It's easy when two things are similar; just practice some coin tossing internally in my lily brain and it'll all be left to random luck, chance, because my brain really lacks system. Maybe I should label my mind and find a slogan. ERRATIC, EROTIC, IRRITATING. Consonance at it's best.

Well, so back to where I was. I have many little cards lying before me and the bitch is to choose the right one. Be it the when, where, why, how, what it is, or whether I'm going to have it or not. RAWR.

1. Should I get a haircut before CNY?

2. When should I do my hair treatment?

3. Should I get the Shu Uemura/Lancome/Biotherm eye pencil? Or should I just stick to my smudgey ones? Or get the liquid Biotherm one? Or the liquid one I'm using now?

4. When should I wear my black dress?

5. When should I wear my black dress with blue details?

6. When should I comb my fringe up to a sleek semi-up-do?

7. What should I get for Jialin?

8. For Prasad?

9. For Linda?

10. Should I organise some Christmas dinner thing at home?

11. How do I get rid of my eyebags?

12. Should I get a new concealer?

13. When should I go eat moi foie gras, monsieur?

14. What should I wear on Sunday?

15. What should I wear tomorrow?

16. When should I make the tiramisu?

17. Should I reconcile things before the year ends?

18. Should I start skipping dinner?

19. Should I go do Laser-IPL hair removal?

20. How do I get myself motivated to study?

Too many things to consider. Alot of them involve monetary sacrifices. As much as my Baby think I'm an expensive girlfriend (ahem. Talking about my urge for french cuisine scared him a little.) who goes for not so fine but finer dining. That's what you can splurge on when you don't smoke and have a budget of that housewife next door when it comes to clothes. I love spending on food. Gastronomic expenses. Because they are worthwhile. And I think it an excellent conversation starter. I firmly believe no matter what idealistic differences two people share, as long as they palate match, there isn't that much a rift between them.

There are too many devils to fight this season. Whether it'd be jolly or not, I have no idea. But if I manage to keep that bank statement hidden under my cupboard, I think I'm capable of a Merry, Merry Christmas.

The Expensive Girlfriend speaketh. Baby. I'm sorry if I'm scaring you with my dining venues. And I DO EAT AT HAWKERS. I LOVE IT. I'm not a cradled kid from young. I was taught to fall and worry. So don't worry. Cuz I do already.

To think I'm still saving! OMG!

The to-think-about list is not extensive enough. But that's enough to muse you and amuse me already. On that note, please remember to get my a present. If you think getting my address from me and mailing stuff is too much of a hassle, I can always give you my bank account number.

I am thinking how happy I'll be when Christmas comes around, my first with my Sugarhigh when it already feels like it everytime I see him.

We've planned out next week. And we're going to do a 15-day in a row meeting thing. I've never met someone so often for so long. I guess this time, there really is something special happening around here. I bet this Christmas will be one of a kind.

The Morning Surprise.

All just to say, Good Morning Baby.









The last picture is darned LIAN! Haha.











CHECK OUT MY LASHES ON THE ENLARGED PICTURE! And yes. I have a flat nose.

You're 16 hours away.

Assumptions.

The damage they do knows no boundaries.

Boo. Hoohoo.

I had only spoken too early.

Christmas is coming

The goose is getting fat, please put a penny in the old man's hat. If you haven't got a penny then a ha' penny will do. If you haven't got a ha' penny thaen God Bless You! God Bless You!

I've been meeting Sugarhigh everyday since last Wednesday. We've scheduled to meet till Wednesday and that means. EIGHT FREAKING DAYS OF MEETING UP.

Somehow, it doesn't feel like it at all.

Had dinner with my parents. Sugarhigh and all of us. Bumped into Prassd at Tampines Mall's Starbucks and god. That's about the first time he met my parents. In fact, they were supposed to meet for New Year but my parents had to go out for some thingie. And so when Prasad came to visit, there were only me and the angbao around.

Dinner at Crystal jade was really nice. And oh, I lost my voice. I have this freaking bad sore throat and I am worried that it might have some supernatural association with my crystal. I hope it's all a seasonal coincidence.

It's so cool! Christmas is coming! And I'm having the cough of my life! And HE can't stop laughing when I squeal due to the lack of voice. Rawr.

Kaisheng's an NSF already. Well, how fast eh.

Aeonflux tomorrow evening. I don't know why but feeling sick doesn't seem so bad when YOU are around.

I KNOW YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I'VE GOTTEN YOU FOR CHRISTMAS. BUT FAT HOPE. BOO!

Random.

All my life, I've been trying to please as many people as I can around me.

I fail pretty often. But I still keep trying.

To be nice. Helpful. Harmless. Friendly. Magnanimous. Well tempered.

I doubt I'll stop trying to be Miss Congeniality the best that I can.

Because you wouldn't want to see me otherwise.

Even I don't.

But I'm tired. And more than alot of people don't love me at all. That's life they say. That's my life, indeed.

6.5 hours.

That's how I look 6.5 hours before seeing you.

14 hours after seeing you.

BOOO.



SOON!

We're going to have dinner with Kaisheng and Tianzun this evening. Kaisheng is enlisting TOMORROW. GODAMMIT!

Reminiscence.

Corrinne May brings back so much.

I'm glad it's all come to an end, the emotional hogwash and fuckwitty mind games.

Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven Knows
Heaven knows I've been waiting for you

And yes you did.

Thanks Baby. I don't know why I'm so lovestruck. Maybe because I'm not only in love, I'm insanely thankful.

SICK.

I've fallen ill again. I feel like crap. My back's aching, my arms are sore, my throat is sore, my fingers are numb, my neck is going to give way.

I wonder why my health is such screwed up. I slept early last night, no? SO WHAT THE SAMHILL IS WRONG. Bloody hell.

I'm pissed off with my own body already. I mean. I know I'm not always well in the head but THAT'S OK because it doesn't stop me from feeling elated or enjoying something. This is getting outta hand. I wonder what's wrong with my physique. Or is this the tip of an iceberg. Something worse. Let's not get there.

I shall readily reject the notion that I'm actually sick in the bigger sense of the word. I should be fine. WATER WATER WATER. What can I do? I resign to fate and Panadol.

I've been taking so much panadol, I think I'm going to get immuned soon. Can someone PLEASE get me a sore throat remedy. PLEASE? IT CAN TASTE LIKE CRAP, I DON'T CARE.

I'm gonna get thru this.

Yes.

Skipping work.

Met Sugarhigh for lunch and well. I had a great time. Heh.

It's the first time I went down to Tanjong Pagar to have lunch with him.

I realised it's been only 17 days but I never had so much fun and gotten so attached to anyone in such a short period of time without noticing the speed of things.

And I really mean what I wrote in the testimonial.

Not many boyfriends will travel an hour and a half to meet up just for a short span of 2-3 hours. Not many boyfriends are willing to sit down and have dinner with parents.

But mine does. They don't sound complicated like rocket science. Just a lil sincerity.

Alright I should stop ogling at you for a while.

Let's talk about lenses. I tore my blue pair cuz it got stuck in between my eye and socket and refused to budge. So I had to pull it down. Used a great deal of strength and my nails sorta got in the way and tore my soft lenses.

Then when I got the large piece out, I realised a fragment was disappearing. So I blinked and blinked and managed to bring it out to the pupil and then it disappeared again. And I had to repeat the whole process before I finally managed to dig it out. I was freaked out. The blue fragment actually got lost in my eye behind my face. Ewww.

So I'm wearing my grey pair. My eyes don't look as huge-assed big but the grey ones still do the trick a little. And make my eyes look brighter.

10over bucks gone to waste.

And this shall be in memory of my blue lenses.



Rest in piece(s). Grrr. SUPER LIAN LA THE PICTURE. Taken on Baby's new Razr. That viciously makes me look fairer. Woot. AND NO PIXELS. HOW COOL IS THAT? Just had to fix the colour distortion. Woah. I love his camera. I'm going to get my bloody phone changed godammit!

I'm addicted to drinking water. Cuz if I don't, I fall sick immediately. Talk about somebody bitching with you. Worse when it's your own.

Photolog.

JIALIN ALLEGRA who's working at BIGBOYZTOYZ NOW. Holler babe, HOLLER! The show sucked. Lol. We took this in school during a class I've forgotten, the day after I bought my contacts. TUESDAY. I think it's John Man's psycho class, literally. CHECK OUT OUR EYEBAGS!



LUNCH WITH FLORENCE AT BILLY BOMBERS! THURSDAY!











We used to be mistaken for each other in school because we were always seen with one another. It was like I was Florence Joanna and she was Joanna Florence. RAWR. Lunch was good. Really fun. And yes, we were goofing around with our food. We're 20. If we don't do this now, we're never be able to get to do it!

My SugarHigh.




Tuesday, at my doorstep. The resolution sucked so I had to edit everything to take away the grains.



Kinda blur but that's not the point of this picture. Now YOU have a graphical illustration of your "sealed with a kiss".

At Lido before Just Like Heaven and my sugarhigh didn't like the seats there. He's always shunned that place. But I like Lido so, we went Lido. Hmmm. Theatre 1 and 3 rocks. Others suck. Thursday was a trip to Sitex and BigBoyzToyz since we got the tickets already. Now I know why they spent so much effort in the advertising and promo. Cuz there really isn't anything to look at there. I mean. Yes there were cars but there were FEW cars and. Ah. Nevermind.

And the sex dungeon they had there didn't have loads of stuff. The salesgirl came and wanted to "help us". I was so tempted to say "It's alright, I've already got one." but of course I couldn't. Mine is directly imported and handcarried from the States to Singapore by Prasad ok. WTF!

And last night I had 1 glass of red wine and 2.5 servings of Cordon Bleu. Hail the blue tag. HAIL!

And tonight, I'm going to go Wala's with Sugarhigh. Lol. I'm such an alcoholic.

And I've just gotten myself a direct membership into my cousin's heavy drinking club. They're scary. They drink a fucking lot. But as a 20 year old girl, I think they're kinda impressed already. Save the looking like a lobster part.

My Sunshine on a Rainy day.

It rained like mad today. The whole outdoor felt air-conditioned.

And then my Baby told me he wanted to send me back.

And he did. Not before giving me a sunflower that smelt better than any of those I've bought before.

He headed down to send me back and watch me have dinner.

Just to see me. Yeah.

And so I was convinced it rained all day for a reason.

Because the holy guy up there knew my sunshine was on his way.




SING ALONG WITH ME.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away.

But I know no one can.

The Return of the Lian.

I GOT COLOURED LENSES! 40 SILLY BUCKS FOR THREE PAIRS OF MONTHLIES!

I got them without any degree cuz I'm heavy on astigmatism and there's no way any disposable lens can be cheap enough to accommodate my scrimpy needs for a fun change.

The last time I had contact lenses was when I was sec 2/3. Then, I did without glasses AND contacts because I was just plain vain and lazy at the same time.

But hey, I still have my contact lens inserting skills intact. Heh!


HOLY actCUTEness!

I got Blue, Grey and Brown lenses. I actually wanted a purple pair but they ran out of stock and I wasn't willing to wait. Blue looks freaking fine upon trying. It's the pair I'm starting with and DAMN it makes my eyes look so much more awake. After all, how can I complain about blue coloured lenses when it's my Baby's favourite colour.

I never thought blue was a viable colour for ANYTHING. I've just changed my mind.

BLUE eyes! And they can't be more neutral looking. OMG cheap and good, LA!

Cost cuts and Couple (dark )Rings.

My family always liked to go to the Taiwanese Porridge place at Oasis for dinner. Well, Gary joined in last evening.

I think, though he denies it, he might have been traumatised by how my family bickers and laughs together like a group of insanity. It's darned hell funny how we diss at each other, though at the end of the day we never mean it.

And sitting at the back of my Dad's van, Gary had to tolerate my brother and I's nonsenical repartee (if it could even be regarded as witty) in semi-darkness. Somehow,the journeys we covered on the van felt so much better with him around. Imagine being stuck there with a spitfire brother who knows you too well to miss a chance at getting at you.

Lion City Hotel sure has their own way of cutting costs. I mean, my family likes old places. We went there as kids and decided to head there for coffee. We shared 2 banana splits and see what they gave us.


Cherry, yummy cherry.


But that was about what we got for TWO banana splits. THEY SLICED IT INTO TWO!

My brother and I started speculating the possibility of them having run out of cherries. And the waiter's shifty uneasiness when we were ordering the ice cream suddenly made sense. THEY WERE AFRAID WE ORDERED MORE!

Gary offered to pay. Well I mean he paid. But my Dad stuffed the treat back into his pocket telling him something along the lines of, it'll be his treat soon. And no, not at such a cheap place. And when he gets his pay.

It's nice how my family spoke to Gary and vice versa. My exes were anti-social.

Now stop grinning Gary, I know you're reading this.


You're going to get stalked for this picture!


And damn we look alike.

Some call us compatible. Others, that we're siblings.

No, I'm NEVER and will NEVER be incestral.

Hey Darling.

Harry Potter.

The film was kinda. Well. I don't know. It didn't strike me with any entirety.

Well, anyway, whether it sucked or not is not the issue. Because either way, we'd have gone to catch it.

I had a great evening out today. And OMG I finished ONE chapter of Marketing. Which leaves me with threepointfive. Well, well. Maybe I'll stay home tomorrow night to mug.

Then finish off some on Monday.

Head to school early on Wednesday to finish. And THEN! I'll be ready for my test.

Tho work's like a couple of hours away, I have every reason to feel over the moon.

Because of you.

I'm glad your Mom told me to drop by again, just like what my Mom did.

Procrastination.

The vice of the century. What can we say? If it weren't for this globalised hogwash put on fast forward, we wouldn't be so hung up about efficiency and speed. And procrastination would be easily substituted with the word reluctance.

Because procrastination suggests a degree of deliberate refusal to act. Not because of the initial stage of inertia. In a great sense, it's more of a butt-itchy i-know-this-will-lead-to-nowhere-but-heck attitude. And that's a word more complex than reluctance.

Do you think it's a pretty modern concept? Procrastination? Everyone seems to be falling back once in a while in the holy name of Procrastination. Deadlines, homework. Even the running through of the grocery list. It hits almost everyone. And it's grossly fordist. Everyone's working like machines and procrastination comes in once in a while to make us a bit more human. Because machines don't slack. They simply breakdown when they refuse to function.

Is it that, in the past because the life was a little more laid back and leisurely that procrastination really isn't a big word? You'd have to plant your crops within a certain period of time but that isn't mathematically calculated and written like the code of law. It's instinctive. And you have more time to work around the reluctance, so much that, it'd not mutate into procrastination. We'd have called it, laziness.

But maybe it's a getting used to kinda thing. Everything in its time and we humans take it for granted. You'd procrastinate for a 3month deadline as much as you would for a 10month one. Because we always push it. And temper with the delicate concept of regulations.

I doubt I make sense. I never do. But it's particularly jade-fying to have all things crashing onto you and the only weight is not what's above you, but what's within.

And that's the bitch called procrastination.

But in this world now, laziness really isn't such a big word anymore. Someone lazy surely procrastinates but a procrastinator might not be regarded as lazy. It's a funny time.

On a better, better note (forget about the marketing test next week, alleluia.) I'm going to watch Harry Potter tonight. And it's been a week. 7 days never felt so long. No, not that it's been a drag. But it's been an exploration into and realisation of many things.

I wonder what your parents will say.

Cookies.

I'm having the cookies that Gary got me on Sunday. Since I was sick and couldn't take heaty food. For those of you who didn't know, I'm usually a glutton. But when I'm sick, I prefer to starve myself and will NEVER get tempted by anything. Maybe because I fall sick too often and have effectively learnt the art of abstinence. Can't be a bad thing, right?


Aren't they pretty? One's got chocolate in the middle and the other has some white chocolate and cranberry thingie. I heated them up in the microwave and they came out really nice.


Halfway through. Just to let you see the middle.

The cookies are nicely sweet. But they can't be as sweet as you.

You're as lovely as Sin, without the calories.

Meeting up.

I had always perceived that couples did not need to meet up often. That is, once a week was a sufficient dose of face-to-face contact and on other days, phonecalls and instant messages would satisfy.

I always did, think it was a fundamental belief that I had because I am a fairly independent person. But of late, I realised all this ideology was force-moulded by my past romances.

It suddenly dawned upon me that I prolly never felt that it was essential to meet so often because I never did. Because no one bothered to make the effort to see me frequently. Which is to say that they'd either want to have some "own space" and things like that on weekdays and only meet on weekends.

When my girlfriends told me their boyfriends sends them home, I was pretty astonished. I thought people only sent their partners back on official dates, like dinners and first dates and stuff like that. Not a routinal thing that is "necessary" as they'd put it.

And again, I was stung by the realisation that it prolly was because the previous boyfriends I had all were too lazy to send me back, initiate to come meet me and always using distance as an excuse.

I can't say I have had a bad love life but I can say I was never genuinely treated like a Princess or whatever title that suggests elevation from mortal standards. There were few instances where they were pretty sweet and thoughtful but these examples only happened on special occasions. That, I have to thank them for being such endearing. But come think of it, this had made me really low maintenance (well, pretty much) and incapable of taking people for granted. Because these nice gestures to me were privileges that came rare. And I had learnt to cherish everything that was offered or given to me.

Recently, I've come to realise that I am actually a person who realy wouldn't mind meeting up with my boyfriend more than twice/thrice a week if everything permits when the other party is willing to make the effort if not, only willing to meet up and spend some time together. And I finally am able to picture why my girlfriends thought that being sent back was so important. Because it makes me feel taken care of and pampered.

Well, I'm still going to see these gestures as privileges because I can't see them as compulsory factors. Even though they're being offered and provided rather readily to me these days.

Thank you, Love. For letting me know that, someone actually finds me worth all that hassle. And finds me not a convenient companion but a fortunate occurance.

And damn. I think my parents love you more than me. I always knew they preferred boys. Grrr.

Ill, again.

I wonder if it's the air in Challenger. I was perfectly fine throughout the week and somehow, it's really hard to recover when I get to work. My condition gets worse faster ten-fold and I feel really bad, having to stand and smile and croak out product information. I can't help it. And maybe I should give tuition instead.

But tutoring requires an insane amount of attention and commitment. My tuition girl dropped me cuz she failed despite the fact that I was doing all I could. I do not think it's my fault. I still don't.

So I need some source of income. Because I've promised that I'll pay the exam fees for next year's exams. $2000.

So if I do my finances, I have 1k with me saved for it already. By right, I need another 2 months and I'll be fine. But there's the issue of saving. Putting in the money I squandered away when I was much much younger.

I'm in a dilemma. And I wish for rest. Because school just ain't easy anymore and if I spend my time doing all this work, I'll be wasting my depleting student years and then regret it in time when I really step into the workforce and have a job as an occupation.

I have no idea. Maybe I'll leave early next year when the exams draw near. But Allegra is joining me and it feels just plain bad to play her out. I guess I'll have to talk to her about it.

Ah damn. I'll just have to wait. And see. And meanwhile, try to take care of myself and perk my health up to HUMAN standards. It's as if my immune system is non-existent. And maybe it's just that I lack fresh air at work. And all those customers with a million dust particles and germs and bacteria bitching with me don't help at all.

At least I have someone to help take care of me now. Heh.

Salvation from WORK.

Before telling you what made my day, I have to say that Kaisheng has officially upgraded himself to an advanced cigarette packer.





Cookies from you. Gary. Thank you. You're sweeter than I ever expected any guy to be.

In Royal Havocness

My Dad came into my room last evening and asked me.

"Eh, you're back so early? It's morning already?"

Prior to last night, on both Tuesday and Wednesday I actually only reached home at 7.30am the next morning.

I had class all day on Tuesday from 9-5 and then, I went on to meet Kaisheng and Tianzun at Holland Village. I took a wrong bus and eventually hailed a cab. When I reached, Tianzun said how they chould have gone to pick me up. THANKS. Argh.

So we started to rot at this kopitiam till we headed on to Labrador near my previous jc. Naw, they're moving but I don't really give a damn.

So they fagged. TZ slept. And KS and I crapped and sang everything from Jolin Tsai to my ex-choral Christmas Carols to grace a premature Christmas mood.

And we went to Marina South where we watched TZ play arcade games.

And then we went back.

The activities sound simple and boring but it took up 12 hours.

When I reached home, since I couldn't get home from 6-7.30, I asked TZ to accompany me at Macs which he very fatiguely did. Hurhur.

He onyl agreed to send me back cuz I agreed to pay for his petrol. HAHA.

I am unofficially a Minah now since I went on a Repsol with a Mini-skirt. And I'm pretty much fully liable for any damages made on the foot pedal on his bike. =S

Wednesday was dinner at Marmalade Pantry with Gary where I had Foie Gras. They did it quite well. Woo. And STICKY DATE PUDDING! Prasad will be so jealous.

Legend of Zorro was pretty nice. Funny lines and gorgeous characters. It is actually technically possible to just stare at Catherine Zeta Jones for a full 2 hours. I proved it.

And after that, coffee at Coffee Club. It's nice that there're more 24hour places around these days. Really.

And we chatted till 6am at Parkmall's MAKESHIFT TAXI STAND from about slightly over 3 to 6. WE ARE SUCH HAPPENING PEOPLE. Hung out at Macs again to stall time before 7.30. Slept at 8. Woke up at 10. Went to school for Marketing. I actually only went to sleep at 1 last night. I AM IMMORTAL. Ohm.

I've fully justified my claim that I have the ability to NUA and rot for extended periods of time. I wonder how I do that but, yeah.

And the reason why I can't step into the house from 6-7.30am's because my Mom is really particular about us washing our feet before stepping around the house. WHEN I MEAN PARTICULAR, I MEAN SCREW YOU NO END AND MAKING YOU MOP THE WHOLE HOUSE THAT KINDA COMPULSION. And so I had to completely shun the morning peak hour toilet usage, since the Dowager has only permitted the use of the common toilet although she scrubs and cleans the other toilet as well. You won't believe it. HDB toilet tiles are known to stain. But mine are still good as new. MY MOM BLEACHES THE TOILET EVERY WEEK and the smell makes me sick bad.

I hate logging events. But I'm terribly bored so this is the last resort. AND OF COURSE I have to tell you how much of a life I have to STOP YOU ALL from saying I don't have one and only know how to ROT at home. I'M HAVOC ONE HOR.

Pillioning on a Repsol aches me all over. Damn.

I'm going DblO tonight. YES. Bow down and call me Havoc now.

Ill.

Isn't it cute when you type ill when sometimes on some fonts it just look like 3?

I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. My face feels clogged up and I'm my nose is running. My eyes are puffy and I feel like just going back to sleep. But NOOOOO I have classes. And though I'm ready to go, my lecturer will sure bore me to hell again because. He turns on the hypersomniac in me.

I'm allowed to write this right? Since I'm in a private institution and I think they won't really bother about a deviant student who TENDS TO but DOES NOT sleep in class. Hmmm.

I'm just ranting. And here to put my counter.

I guess it was time.

To force myself to change.

To move on. Well, maybe.

But care less about the complicated motives of this little adjustment.

Isn't this pretty?

And on a deadly apt note, Goodnight.