School devoted nearly an entire day to encourage the entrepreneurship spirit in us. Yes, a whole array of experienced speakers, giving us a greater understanding in this "alternative career option", but guess it depends much more than just knowing how to be it. No point when I've absolutely no idea, when it comes it comes hmm?

Learnt Fac dance next, or rather, part of it. Somehow the perception of the old dance being better stuck, despite better opinions towards it by many. Perhaps its just the music hmm, or rather, biased views stick on fast.

I need a plan. Plan my time for the holidays, so I'd not waste every second. Vainly grasping onto fine sand and trying to not let it slip out through the small grooves of my palm doesn't seem to work, I need a strategy. Or I'd have no sand left.

And yes, I need a change of layout.

Had my hair cut today, and looking into the mirror almost makes me wish that I haven't explicitly specified 'short'. At least perhaps now it'd be easier to wash and dry the hair, whee.

Why is so hard to start blogging nowadays?...

Had this talk on effective communications with parents in school today morning, was really kind of interesting actually, but well I guess few students will actually listen attentively throughout the entire session. Was doing maths, writing stuff, playing games on palm, reading newsweek, and anything I could do throughout the morning. But yeah, it was interesting, half listening throughout the activity. Was also mightily amused by the inability of the panel of parents answering our students' questions to answer _to_ the point. Which says a lot about "effective communications" with parents :P

Went ice-skating next, third time in the rink, and hehe almost didn't fall at all. Yes, swung my hands about in desperation to keep in balance, made of fool of myself doing that, but at least I didn't fall :) Whee! And yippie, at least I can move about with decent ease now...

Thrice I tried to blog this week, but it just seems a little hard. I'm getting impatient in this, too much to write, and also too much other things to do.

Terrible week. Physics was just slightly worse than what I hoped for, so it was still ok. Besides, I still had a decent chance of getting the S paper for it. But Maths killed me.

Somehow whenever I'm lost in thoughts, I seem to try to translate those hazy ideas into unclouded words, apparently preparing them for translation into these electronic pulses...

Perhaps I do know which subjects I screwed up majorly in. Dreams do come true huh. It's a little higher than the 51 I received in my dreamland, and interestingly had quite the same after-paper reactions. Well, perhaps my brain is rehearshing my actions on that day. Somehow, it also brings me back to my sec 4 prelims, where I did ok for paper 1 of maths but screwed up paper 2, badly. In fact, the overall grade ended up with almost the same score, 69.

I think I'm a better person when quiet, and I'm only quiet when I'm melancholic.

Which essentially seals my fate about the S papers. I've been telling myself all year I don't need them ~ I couldn't have gotten anything prestigious anyway, but I guess I still wanted them anyway. (Urgh, greed and want to be better than others, ugly face of humans me) Disappointed yes, but don't think I've the right to, after all, I could have worked harder. I've let my hopes rise beyond the effort put in.

I could try appealing for S, but something beyond just the poor grades I've gotten does place a seed of doubt within me.

But I've got this feeling I'd still get S papers. Perhaps it's just the way I've been scrapping past every major exam in my life. Had to appeal for EM1, barely got into CHS, scrapped into HCJC with the worst possible score not once but twice, for both first intake and the second. So perhaps I'm just predestinated to have to fight or scrape past every major hurdle. For now I rest my hopes on Monday, for it'd truly determine my fate.

By the way, if you ever need the reason to cry, just do it. In private perhaps, and it does help a lot. Somehow just cried after chinese orchestra, couldn't hold it back, I got this feeling that the songs we played just made it worse. The slow, long, somewhat mournful (to me) just gives the sense of helplessness.

Well. Essentially this is the major happening in the week. The rest was pretty boring, me brooding over terrible scores and doing little productive stuff.

But Open House was fun. I like the atmosphere there, cheery, and also skipped assembly, hehe, but essentially did little throughout the day. The dances are fun, and so are the songs. Somehow these activities, especially the lyrics of the songs, really conjure up the image and feeling(?) of the ideal school I wanted to study in, and unfortunately, I guess this ideal remains a mere fantasy.

Ah yes, quite a few hectic days passed, after me bemoaning about the lackadaisical lifestyle I'm leading. After that entry I typed with the school's lousy keyboard, went out for yet another karaoke session, this time at KBox. Sang the afternoon away, and had to rush off for Braddell Heights at around 5.30pm, practicing all the way till 10. Reached home with time nearly approaching midnight, and was not even able to turn on the computer before falling into deep sleep.

Oh yes, speaking of sleeps, the next day, or rather, night, after the computing examinations, I dreamt, or rather, nightmared (well :P) that I somehow got 51 for maths. Argh! Terrible, terrible, it was vivid for such a dream, ended up attempting to calculate how much I'd get, but never getting the chance. Just kept thinking at least I'd get a C with the block tests thrown in, so darn disappointing. Am I so glad it's merely a dream.

Oh, and I might add that our class was completely eliminated in the first day of festival of sports. Yay.

The next school day was worse, had to sit for like 5 hours in the lecture theatres listening to a potpurri of not so engaging talks and shows, on national service, sports, and on movie making. I'd have slipped away if not for the threats they emptied on us. Ended up in SimLim?with some friends, wanted to buy some cdrs, and the rest wanting to acquire cd players, headphones, and computer parts for assembly. Then went to gwaz's house next to assemble the parts, and left for home at 5.30. Twas pretty boring at home, again wasted the entire night away in front of the computer, as usual.

Went for ITS meeting the next day, and was supposed to reach City Hall by 3.30, but somehow the meeting ended early, and there was no computers available anywhere. Talked with a friend until 3.00, before deciding to arrive early and figure out something to entertain myself. Reached there at 3.45, well before 4.30, and walked until I saw a bookshop, and read until like 4.15. Was very tempted by BreadTalk, though held back by the lack of funds available to me. Placed our stuff in the hotel room, then went to geylang for dinner. Took MRT to city hall, where we walked to the esplanade, and joined in the convergence of at least 10% of the population for no real good reason but for the purpose of watching the spectacular ?hr fireworks...

(nb: severely uninspired to blog, justmakes me wonder why I'm forcing myself to record down all these pieces of past)

... and watched it we did. Really awestruck by the fireworks, it's the first time I watched it live, the scattering of sparks, remnants of the explosion which sent shockwaves cruising, hammering our eardrums and bodies, so hard you can feel it. The pyrotechnics, especially towards the end, strung together by the beats of the music, detonating in sync, joining to its' crescendo, lighting up the nightsky until it was continuously illuminated, was so awe instilling so want to reach out so want it to never stop fear it's every beat primal thoughts swirling so beautiful music and fire intermixing somehow touching oh no the music is ending oh don't let it stop oh please --

And it ended. I think I left my mouth open throughout the finale, forgot to close it.

Went back to the hotel, bathed and ate. Went to 7-11 to buy some drinks and snacks, and talked the night away, before finally entering dreamland at 4...

I wonder if it has lost it's meaning, should it become like this. Wanting to write it all, yet not wanting to go to deeply into it, because of laziness, and maybe other factors too, don't want it to be just a log. It gets boring, for both writing and reading.

...And woke up at 7.30, only to try to sleep again to escape from cold. Hmm notice I wake easily outside home, never a heavy sleeper out of my bed. Washed up, and went for breakfast. Today's practice was terrible, years of listening to others for tempo have failed to train myself to understand it from the score. Always understood and learnt the song from the music itself and not the score, and now it sure is hell for me, haha. Though it still went pretty fine, at least I'm sure this is making me learn something new.

Yes, I'm still in school, stuck with this lousy keyboard whose spacebar doesn't seem to be working well. Just feeling seriously out of place today, not in any of the games, not interested either in watching the games either. It's just so uncharacteristically boring for a sports festival, to me at least. Sigh.

Urgh, it's bad, my computing teacher told me that she thinks my handwriting on the script is too small! Argh! Oh please don't let her fail me... *crosses finger*

Wonder what should I do rather than let my fingers fly around the keyboard. Was thinking of playing my erhu, but I seriously don't think it fits the current mood, and I can't really find any place to sit down undisturbed, and wouldn't disturb others in return either.

Perhaps I'm just tired, and don't know what to do. Badminton is really tiring, especially when you're playing with the wall. At least we know speed of seperation will always be less than speed of approach :P Urgh, I'm crapping already, think I shall go and find some nice place to curl up and sleep. ZzZ

Sigh. I don't know what to do.

Often it does make one think how does your brain really work. Our emotions, desires, fears, are not our own, but generated when certain chemicals in your brain happened to be spewing out at that moment in response. Or is it the other way round, where these stuff are produced so that you'd feel something?

Read this article related to the previous paragraph, though the author is more concerned on research rather than being the apocalyptic doomsayer like me. It goes on about research on some kind of mice whose behaviour in a certain aspect seems similar to humans, rather, their fidelity, and the occasional lack of it, and how their minds response to different chemical treatments. Makes you wonder what really goes on in your head. And it's making me even much more sceptical about it all, is it really truly what I perceive it to be, or just some random wayward neuron overloaded. How would we know? Perhaps it's better not to know, as much it is to know more ~ and be able to restrain oneself's actions, and to understand why we're all so dependant on acceptance and understanding, inclined to beguile and be the recipient of such.

Yep, I'm bored. Hmm, perhaps I shall go work on our class log instead...

Woohoo, the exams are over. Do note the lack of enthusiasm though, it almost seems scary now after the exams, and having all that to do, CO, CenTaD, SAT, CLAO, and still have to squeeze in time to play. Haha it just seems so un-routine now that the exams are over, with all these to factor into the daily timetable. At least during the exams we just _have_ to study, and not worry about anything else. Blissful ignorance of everything, with the exams proper the only side effect. Or perhaps it's just me, inherent fear of change. Blah.

Anyway, guess it's time to start logging, all over again. Watched Lilo & Stitch immediately after reaching home, downloaded over the past two days. Seriously fear how I react, how I think, how my emotions are controlled. Was fine throughout most of the show even into the more, how do we say this, touching parts, but then recalled Yunfei's comments on that show in the middle of it, and all of a sudden I just felt like crying. Haha, perhaps was too immersed in the world of 2-D animation to lose some of my 'higher' mental functionalities. Proves that TV shuts down your senses, haha. Yeah, but it's nice, go download it or something, if you haven't watched :)

Always had the impression that Karaoke is more for the older generation, singing the songs 10 years behind the time scale of music. Haha, and a part of our class ended up in one karaoke lounge today, singing from 12.30 to 4.30 in the afternoon, though I really don't know many songs. Though I am usually able to sing along even if I never heard that song before, just as long I've heard part of it, seemingly can extrapolate the music to guess the tune, even those parts I've yet to hear. Haha. Pity I can't sing well, and yet they keep making everyone sing. It's one thing to sing along, everyone's singing after all, and quite another to get the microphone to yourself :P Eek.

Ended up in NTUC after that to get a drink, quite quite insulted and annoyed when this salesperson comes up to me out of nowhere and starts to tell me that my face looks terrible and that I should try blah blah blah and it'd make it look better after a week or so. Hmm, ok, so this part's ok, but she just doesn't want to tell me what this product is, until she's sure that I'd want to buy it. Such sales attitude. Tsk. That's a black mark for your product (Even though I don't know it. Yet.)

Discussed, discussed about where to go, what to do after that. Genting was quite shot down as many people either couldn't go or have something on, and it's just too late to book a chalet. Then went to a friend's house to continue the discussion. Hmm, nothing much came out of it, though we (almost) all promised to try and find a chalet for the class.

Haha, rushed very muchly through this entry, getting out of here now and off to games! :)

Oh dear. To think I actually spent almost the whole of yesterday playing games. Yes. Playing. And Chemistry is tomorrow. Argh! So where do I find time to revise?

0 call back yesterday, bid time return.
Richard II, III ii 69.

How apt.

Happy Childrens' Day! Yep, especially those still a kid at heart ^_^

GP revision, part two :P Doubt its efficiency though.

Ooh exams are drawing near. Just afraid that I'd blank out during the papers and screw them up, like what happened while doing the past year papers on monday. Couldn't draw anything up from my mind, and couldn't even do simple questions. Sigh. Tried to learn how to meditate from my father just now, hmm guess I'd try to apply it, haha.

I think I'm algophobic. No, not fear of algorithms, haha. Even acupuncture, which I admit is rather painless, which both my parents have rained on me for years, but still fear the prick, even when it's me helping my mother stick that needle into her. Ooh.

Didn't go to school today, for fear of unproductivity. Turns out that it was worse at home, spent the entire morning recording songs from RealAudio and installing Office XP, which I successfully downloaded, all 950 megs of it, over p2p networks. Then didn't do much work in noon, only 2 papers, and I was so lazy I didn't even complete the 2nd one, because the indolent side of me reasoned that since I do not have the answer keys, I'd not know what errors I'd have made. Anyway, thoughts strayed into the previous day's conversation with the rest, made me think a bit more, and ended up a lot more apprehensive now. Sigh, it's just so scary to think of it, and neither would I understand it. Perhaps it's actually normal behaviour, just that we've misinterpreted these actions? But I'd never have done that, if I would ever have the chance to. Haha, must have been over influenced by all those songs I'm listening too. It's not that simple, hmm?

Seriously plan to stop studying by 10pm tomorrow, then meditate for a full hour. Really scared for physics, knowing fully well that the block tests results will kill the final grade, pulling it further down the abyss it's already in. The paper will either have to be easy or I'd have to be very lucky - both rather improbable by any accounts.

Lost for words now. Guess there's really nothing much to blog nowadays.