Essence of mind, captured on Friday, May 31, 2002

Perfect, IE just had to crash when I'm just about to post, grr. Don't feel like rewriting all those stuff anyway, so I'd just pick up from when it crashed.

Someone commented that I seem to have less problems now. Probably, in a way, which is good, but I think it's just that the problems now are different, old ones go, new ones come - Conservation Of Total Problems, and its just that these new ones don't surface as easily compared to the previous ones. And I'm still worried - If I can just (try to) forget it so easily, is it a good sign, or bad in a sense?
Hmm, guess I'd have to return to the stupid Cisco if I even want to try to get into the next round. And you ppl do less work too k? :P

And hmm yeah, changing my design for this blog soon... Is there anything I can improve on, like the comments box or such?

Cool! Never knew one could listen to the local radio stations through the Net...

And yes, no end-of-month-pathetic-attempts-at-poetry, because I just can't find the time to conjure up fanciful words and prose to coalesce into a poem, and perhaps because I've (almost) lost a major source of inspiration (ha!) But I'd still try to write my start-of-month-reflections...

And hmm, it's really hard to come up with a good design, I need a Theme! Inspiration! Ideas! Good design skills! All which I sadly lack...

Thoughts dissipate, and ramblings come to an end at 05:06 p.m.

Essence of mind, captured on Thursday, May 30, 2002

Had this psychometric analysis test today, and it sure is taxing on your brains :P Had to pia through the entire paper with time constraints, couldn't finish quite some questions.

Went out for lunch next at Coro, followed by 1 hour in the LAN shop next to Tenderfresh... Ooh it's my first time playing in an outside LAN shop :), interesting to note how instincts honed remains even after like 7 months of complete isolation from such shooter games... But then again, who else have wasted their entire secondary school lifes in the computer lab :P

I always felt disorientated when they talk about it, because I don't seem to be able to see it their way. I mean, to me this property doesn't become apparent to me usually, and they all look the same. (Perhaps it's because my face recognition is really bad, I forget names and face too easily) Hmm well perhaps I've never viewed them differently. And I guess we didn't really lie when we said that after all :P, as everyone is special in their own ways, and such perceptions are in the eyes of the beholder. Just like my indented code :P

Yep, someone again questioned my purpose of blogging, and my initial response didn't even really satisfy me. I mean, if I wanted to keep a log, I could have written it anywhere, a diary, on my computer in a text file, and so on. Hmm perhaps I DO want to be read, though it's original target 'audience' wasn't exactly supposed to be the class. And yes, it's fun too, like how I spent time between dozing off on bus thinking up on the above paragraph.

Hmm, my parents are chasing me into bed again. Perhaps I'd blog more tomorrow morning. :)

Thoughts dissipate, and ramblings come to an end at 12:04 a.m.

Essence of mind, captured on Tuesday, May 28, 2002

29/05 Update: Yay :) I finally typed in the log for PEC2002...

There's this physics enrichment camp today, and I logged the entire day's activity (well, almost all) on my 'notebook' :) Didn't bring my 'palm' today though. Might upload it when I feel the need to, 'cause it's really a terrible piece of work, and I can't really read my handwriting... :)

And I feel so pathetic. How could I have ever brought myself to say such bad things behind one's back to another? It just isn't correct...

Thoughts dissipate, and ramblings come to an end at 09:56 p.m.

Essence of mind, captured on Tuesday, May 28, 2002

Ok, heck, I missed a lot of entries, was too busy, sleeping or practicing my lightsaber. And they are among the most fun-filled, detailed three days I had, so yep this entry will be long :)

[Gigahertz 2002, Day 1]
Woke up early, actually, was already up and running at around 6am, but somehow I forgot to print out the CSS reference and ended up rushing between the two computers, the one to check where Boon Lay MRT is. Didn't know what to pack, so was a little uncertain on what to bring, in the end set off at only around 6.20am. SMSed Yunching to tell him I'd be late, but when I reached there, he wasn't even there yet :P When everyone finally arrived we set off for NTU aboard bus 179... After a very long walk, we finally reached the auditorium, where we had to register in, and haha it's so funny, the lady at the desk looked up at us and asked, "You CMI?", and we just nodded back :P Met a lot of friends from my class, but perhaps it's because our old class is the only computing class in TCHS, hmm yeah so it's quite expected lah :)
~Round 1: Hardware Round~
Was very panicky at the start (Argh! How am I going to get the disk drive out??), even before the competition officially began. Planned some strategies as to how to go about completing the job, and split the team, each taking a different job. Everything would have been done very quickly if not for the darn RAM which happened to be in the wrong place, completely preventing the HD to be put in place without further damaging any components. Though we believe our disassembling part was rather fast, anything that can be pulled, yanked, plucked out, we did, anything that is stuck, pliers, IDE, power connecters were pulled out together from the drives. Good thing no significant damage was done :P Though I think we didn't go easy on our expletives sometimes huh...
~Intermission~
Rested for a while in the shade outside the cold auditorium, believing that there is food/pizza supplied. Disappointed to know that erm no food provided?, ended up in the Canteen... and the chicken rice there is really nice, and so is the Ice Kachang :p Went to the library for a while, sat around in front of the plasma TV set, discussing about how to go about doing the marketing round, which has been cancelled and given to us like a homework to be done overnight, until it was time to go for the programming round.
~Round 2: Programming Round~
Started off on 2, which I thought was easy, and came up with a quick and dirty algorithm for implementation... Unfortunately, I messed up the looping syntax with the ones in BASIC, and ended up being unable to compile, shucks. In the end, Jeremy took over and started coding his Q5, while I and YC discussed Q8. Once he submitted his entry, I took over, having caught my bug while thinking through what have I done wrong, and only to find more bugs, at least these are solvable ones...Completed it soon, and passed it over to YC, who having only 15 minutes left was very, very panicky, and not much was programmed as we sort of fought over whose code is correct, though we've already begun to slack, chatting away unreservedly while the world revolves hurriedly around us, as with 15 minutes left, what could we have done? So yeah two submitted, one confirmed correct. Hope mine is correct too...
~Preparations for Round 3~
Oooh, ultimate hecticness, rushed all the way back to school on taxi to pick up the laptops and Xiaonan, arrived lugging 5 goodies bag around, walking advertisement ain't I :P Then rushed back to Jurong Point by bus, where we met up again, and had a quick dinner, which I ate while walking, though it's a little hard to do so when you're running after buses. Arrived at J's house to pia the website and poster, though I don't really have much to do, and didn't really do much anyway ... *ducks under* When we are finally done, it was nearly 12, shared a cab with Gwaz, and the midnight surcharge is really very scary, watching TWO meters increment instead of one, and wow it's like $29.40 by the time it reached my house...Though the taxi driver is quite an interesting person, talked to him about the competition and roads to my house :P Went home, bathed, and plonked down on my bed...

[Gigahertz 2002, Day 2]
Argh, must I really continue blogging? :P Sort of tired now, but if I don't do it today, I'd have more to write about tomorrow's physics enrichment camp *puts up determined face* Errr lemme try...
Anyway, barely slept 4 hours, before I had to rouse myself out of dreamland, and go to Boon Lay MRT again. Was the earliest this time (woohoo), and went with the rest to submit the poster and website. Pretty much stoned the morning away, went to the library to read up more on computing history, and sat down on the table, playing with Palms, headphones, laptops, looking at designs and all that stuff. Left for lunch provided outside the auditorium at 11.30, which is vegetarian fare, perhaps.
~Round 4: Quiz~
Er ok, the quiz was intense and fun :P Screaming out answers, overenthusiastic-responses-which led-to-much-hushing, guessing, and stunned faces when answers we are certain of turned out to be incorrect. (Grr TFTP grr) All in all, great fun, especially in the last part, where we just relaxed (had plently of time, 40 mins for 30+ qns), and read/guessed slowly. When we reached the last question, there was still 10 minutes left, so we ended up playing Bingo to kill time, where the winner will click on the option that was preassigned to him/her, unfortunately it's wrong though :P
Yep, followed by the final quiz, where our school team put up a rather impressive performance :) Yay, our school got third and fourth, yep hopefully next year it'd be our team :P And finally, the moment we've been waiting for... the pizza distribution part! Ran all the way to the top to grab our pizza, and went down to our preferred spot to enjoy it :) Next went shopping for birthday gifts for Sook Fen, we got books (diary rather), a bowl, and a cute soft toy with a bear sleeping on a moon (More to come on the sad fate of this gift), then went to the food court and chat a little. Argh, think I'd have to 1) learn to keep my mouth shut, 2) try to know less, that way it'd be safer. Reached home, slept mainly.

Hmm well, nothing much happened the next day, was sparring with a lightsaber the whole day, think I'm getting sick of the game, which is a good sign, so I'd not have to spend so much time playing it...

[Day 4, IceSkating]
Oh whee, was really looking forward to it, so I can finally learn how to skate! :P Last time I skated, didn't really do it properly as my legs are not moving correctly... Spent much time trying to regain the balance on ice, and to learn how to skate again. Didn't really fall while skating, but fell when someone unintentionally stuck his leg out and I tripped over it. Ok, think I can skate a little better now, but it'd be a long time b4 i can skate like the others, especially nankun ;)
I don't know, I sense something's wrong - noone that I know of would have done it, nor the things. Perhaps there's a difference from my perspective, or perhaps it is just normal, but like masks, one can easily hide his negative feelings, which is more socially acceptable huh. Beyond that, whenever someone says something like this about that, I don't know how I should feel. It is supposed to be ok, but I just don't know how to respond, other than keeping quiet, cos I know any kind of response can be easily perceived as something else - what can I do, but smile and keep quiet? :\
~Part 2: ITS barbeque~
Ok, ultimate boredom, coupled with sheer exhaustion, made us steal every opportunity to snatch a sleep minutes of rest. Spent the first hours shopping for food to bbq, then carried them all the way to Pit 16. Absolutely didn't do anything, just ate, sang, and occasionally barbequed. The posts were also announced today - Yunching (Pres), Lennon (VP), Yili (Treasurer), Qifei (Multimedia Head), Me (RAP Head)... Played with the barbeque pit, and tried to create a campfire, throwing in honey, which bubbled and boiled, cool... Dumped in margarine too, and in the end dumped in anything that can burn, haha pity we don't live the in the temperate climates huh :P
Ok I need to go sleep now :) Tmr got some funny phy enrichment camp... Nitez!

Thoughts dissipate, and ramblings come to an end at 01:32 a.m.

Essence of mind, captured on Thursday, May 23, 2002

Ooh broke lots of promises recently... Made a promise yesterday, and broke it so fast, I'm still feeling slightly guilty. Then curiousity of the *cough*interesting*cough* situation made me go against my word not to touch it and read the blog. Argh blame those people who just have to tell me about this soooo interesting thing! I couldn't resist! Argh! Sigh one day this insatiable thirst for information is going to create a hell of trouble. Perhaps it already have.

"You're grouping with a friend whom would not forget you no matter how long you'd be gone..." Hmm don't you feel special with mudfriends like these :P Er yeah mudded a little today, chatted & played a little, in hope I don't lose all my friends there :) It feels really erm bad when someone you once knew said "Who are you?"...

Haha we're disappointing group for CenTaD indeed :P Better start getting some work done, or we'd be branded forever as the ones who caused LIT to fall apart completely...

CO elections today, didn't really know and was in fact searching all over the place, waiting to hear any distinctive sound before I realised oh, its elections today. Looking at the form I filled made me feel that democracy is more like popularity and support votes, almost everyone that I voted from are those from my school, haha :) Though I did gauge their abilities accordingly... Hey Gwaz yep I did vote for you as treasurer, though I didn't hear your speech :)

And look at this 404 page :) Click here

Thoughts dissipate, and ramblings come to an end at 12:57 a.m.

Essence of mind, captured on Tuesday, May 21, 2002

Days' routine to the point it's scary. A big headache during Computing Lecture though, too weak-willed for my own good, don't think I'd ever be able to lead, if I can't EVEN do the job of a CP rep properly :(

Realised my entries are getting so... meaningless? Without thoughts, life is just an empty shell, a monochromatic flower. It's still there, but... Missed the time when I'd just be so melancholic :) It's a time when you really just sat there and thought things out (or an excuse for stoning too), but now I can hardly find the time to do it, everything else has to be placed before it. Every daybreak leads to new pathways, unexplored regions down the recesses of your brain. Suddenly felt that I've been lying to myself all these while, betrayed by my own thoughts, believing that I've really forgotten it all when it's just not the case. Believed that I can navigate through the stormy seas without being hit by the frothy sea waves, unwet, unaffected. Perhaps the wind has swept away the relics of the past, enshrouded now by sand and dust brought by the sandstorm. It's about time I ignored these encased fears, and to step out and leave these behind, and not let my thoughts affect my actions. It'd be better, I hope.

Ok, sort of promised to be more lame in my blog. Well hmm I think the above paragraph is quite lame huh nankun? Er yeah anyway haven't really done anything productive since reaching home. Found dionne though, though she seemed to have forgotten about garnet (ie me), and it took sometime to jog her memory back. Shucks, she lost her poem "Not a Fairy Tale" when she formatted her hard drive without backing it up, sigh was really looking forward to rereading it though. Anyway, received another of her poem "Fairytale Dream", still with the fairytale theme :) Still missed the first one though :/

Thoughts dissipate, and ramblings come to an end at 12:00 a.m.

Essence of mind, captured on Sunday, May 19, 2002

Woke up early today, around 5.30am, so I'd be able to go for the Big Walk and arrive on time. Took 80 there, and its only 7 when the place is completely flooded with people. With much luck I chanced upon the rest of the class quite easily, and we just waited until everyone has arrived before setting off for the stadium.

Spent at least ¾ hr just trying to reach the stadium, with people getting lost, getting stuck, and getting tired. By the time we reached the stadium, it's already 8. We realised we have ended up in the wrong entrance, and had to walk one big round before reaching the starting point. The goodies bag is more like an advertising bag, though the jelly drink is nice. The sandwich was ok too, but the gatorade tastes a little funny. When we finally started walking, it's already like 8.30?, and are very behind everybody. Cheated a little by cutting through the path to start on the bridge, and we weren't really just walking - sanged, talked, took photos. Hmm the photos were interesting, sat down in the middle of the roads and snapped away happily. Not often we get a chance to do that huh :P Especially when its a highway... Had three or four main places where we took photos as a group, had to ask other bigwalkers to help us take the photos, and wow aren't singaporeans kind :P All (right?) accepted the request to help us take photos, heh, and they turned out to be quite ok. In addition to group photos, many single shots were also taken, albeit at occasional great resistance from the targets. Oooh got myself a tourist shot, hope to get it soon :P Wanted to cut into Suntec, but it's still early, and we didn't turn back until they reopened the roads. Erm yeah so we didn't exactly finish the Big Walk :)

Ended up somehow in Marina², where we sat down in this weird place jutting out from the main pathway... think its for the cleaners to climb up and down on the glass platform to clean it. Changed to the Big Walk shirt, talked and did nothing (includes sleeping) while waiting for Lennon to come. Learned 2 ways to strum the guitar, and the fingering for C and G, quite fun, other than the part when my finger seems to be bleeding internally near the surface. Ate a little too, with all those snacks they bought. Finally moved at 12, after sitting there for like 2 hours, and went to a nearby food court for lunch, of which little happened, other than occasional ice-shooting wars and head-smashing-with balloon after lunch. Disrupted quite alot of traffic today, blocking up passageways and all that... Sought for a bubble tea store, especially ice blend, haha perhaps to reminisce yesterday's hilarious Green Apple Ice Blend episode. Shared it in the end with David, Green Apple though not the blend. Wanted to go to the beach, but everyone seemed rather tired, and so all decided to go home.

That's where I made my first mistake. Didn't want to take the MRT, but wanted to take a direct bus. Heard from my parents that there's a bus 80+ near suntec, so I started exploring the area, looking for bus stops with 80. Somehow forgot that theres a 80 if I walk up from City Hall (i think), and spent the next hour walking circles, and amazingly ended up at exactly where I started, ie at the escalator with the turning water wheels. Gave up in the end and took 97 home instead, where I slept all the way until the interchange to transfer to 80 *roll eyes*.

Tried to read my blog today, and realised its a little too long sometimes huh. Hey to those who actually manages to reach this part, you have amazing patience to read such dull, rambling stuff... haha thanks! ;)

Thoughts dissipate, and ramblings come to an end at 08:09 p.m.

Essence of mind, captured on Sunday, May 19, 2002

Ok, in continuation to yesterday's entry, hmm yeah Saturday now. Went to school in the morning for some SAT diagnostic test, and could hardly answer any of those questions, especially in the language section, argh. Still suffering a little from the post 'Star Wars' lameness syndrome, heh. Err yeah then stayed back to do some homework with Chris, listening to the radio, while waiting for the String Ensemble performance at evening, where we'd be working as ushers/backstage crew. Ok, so we didn't really do much work, and even ran out because we were really bored (and sick of work) to some place starting with Queens(something) (eh chris or horse can jog my memory?). Not to buy anything, just to get away haha :P Er yeah that place's like a labyrinth, the layout is quite messy, can hardly find any shops, so in the end no one bought anything, other than a shirt. Chris was then sorely tempted to buy a Green Apple Ice Blend, which he gave in eventually and got one. Unfortunately, the ice turned out to be not exactly very well blended, the pearls taste a little funny too, chris looks a little disappointed huh? :p Started out trying to get the pearls out without the ice getting stuck in the straw, and tried to make it more drinkable by all sticking the straws into the cup and mixing about. Then passed the drink around, each taking turns to get some ice+pearls out, and finished it in the end, haha :) Got much inspiration from the drink, think we can start a stall specialising in unblended ice drinks, haha ice picks and all that :P Even returning to school was interesting (to a certain extent), saw the bus at the intersection in front of the traffic lights, and ran like hell all the way to the bus stop, and was lucky... it was really a long way, and the bus didn't move until we've about reached there, about 2 minutes or so.

Went for dinner, with Lennon joining in too, and bought a 2-litre bottle of apple juice (grabbing some small cups while no-one was looking too, *inno*) to share later while we are selling tickets and all the stuff. Lennon bought flowers for someone performing, the rest is up to ur imagination ;)

So we ran back to school, late as usual, and hurriedly changed into our black clothes. Actually didn't do much at all, they even cancelled the backstage crew jobs, putting the chairs in the start so we will not screw up it'd be less messy. Urm yeah so we just sat outside the Audi talking about everything, and played chapteh, all those stuff. Amusing to see Lennon running like crazy over the bridge, and his worried face on his return, flowers still in hand. And dang, my walkman battery went flat on me.

Think I'd post today's events as a seperate entry, its going to be tooo long.

Thoughts dissipate, and ramblings come to an end at 05:49 p.m.

Essence of mind, captured on Saturday, May 18, 2002

Hmm missed three day's worth of blog entries, somehow got either too busy or too tired (excuses, excuses...) to type anything. Hmm yeah think I'd start on Wednesday hmm.

Hmm yeah nothing much happened, other than the CenTaD-LIT meeting, where we turned up at the wrong place, lucky it wasn't long before we found out the mistake. Argh, think it isn't going to be easy, though we've decided to do research on the networking field, there's still so much to do, to find out existing problems so we can research on them...Left with about ½ hour of CO, dashed there, and as I didn't bring my erhu today, used the school's, which is terribly screwed. Darn I need to practice more if I am to go for the concert :(

Thursday? Erm well Council Investiture for the first 4 periods, rather impressive display of planning (well hrm), and the handing over was especially hilarious at the part when Rex handed David a keyboard, the sign of passing down of the job of the sstem analyst. Songs, videos, speeches, plus a dash of homework and palm gaming, whee.

Oh yeah, physics was perfectly routine (ie boring), or so until all lights went out, the power dead and the lecture paused. Quite fun exploring multiple uses of Jornada, like using it for a torch/lamp, though the lecturer did threaten to pull us back for extra lessons during the June holidays...Lecture was followed by a maths lecture test, which I didn't really prepare for. Hmm yeah I hope I wouldn't fail, a pass at least...Yep Chem, followed by CLAO. Hmm nothing much, I'd say. Oh yep, went for string rehearsal as backstage crew and ushers, where we played chapteh in the backstage while they were practicing. Somehow a pail of water was upset, and we desperately tried to clear the water by using all sorts of methods, finally sweeping most of the water out. All would have been well if not for the sweeping rumours that someone did fall in the backstage due to the wet floor.
Might add that I finally got DSL that day. Whee! Speed's only about 10x at maximum, but hey it's unlimited, and doesn't clog up the phone line.

Friday. Hmm what did I do on Friday? Er yeah screwed up Physics practical completely by somehow swapping up the recording of the values in the two temperature tables, so erm yep all wrong. Nvm, we'd skip this part. Er yeah PE next, realised I've been gaining some weight, ½ kg I think, hope it'd plateau off at 50. Early break, early recess, so had a longer game of chapteh than usual, hmm Ms Moh does seem rather tempted to join in :P - she was like standing there for 20+ mins? Or mebbe she's just waiting for someone.

Oh yeah, lessons ended after chemistry lecture, where we all headed off for the (disastrous) basketball matches. Lost both matches, and I think no-one in my column is really cheering other than me being a little extra, and Dobson occasionally joining in. Got bored quite often, and walked out several times, orbiting (?) the stadium at least 3 times, and drank perhaps 6~8 cups of Milo while looking out for friends in RJC, and doing nothing, just trying to get away from the mess inside the hall. Immediately dashed off (as stealthily as possible, I assure you) after the final quarter ended (uh yeah we lost) to watch Star Wars, woohoo! Ended up in Mac first, where we sourced for food, and ended up with some ice cream, using the Big Walk coupons already before it started. Er yeah then rushed out at the last minute, arriving just in time for the movie...

And yeah, the show's good, the story line is good, and at least it isn't as 'cartoonish' as before. Erm yeah all of us (ok mebbe not all) became a little nuts after the movie, phrasing sentences as Yoda will do, finding Force (alternatively known as MA, or mass*acceleration), and all sorts of funny stuff. Yeah anyway the chicken rice store that Dobson recommended just happened to be closed by the time we reached there, so after going rounds and rounds we ended up in the LJS. Ooh rang the bell just for the fun of it, plus with a little prodding and a unanimous vote forcing me to do it, then left for home.

Wanted to write more on Saturday, but my parents are really complaining that I don't get enough sleep and are sort of like threatening me or something. Hmm yeah Big Walk tomorrow, perhaps Spidy too. And mebbe I'd continue blogging on Saturday tomorrow. Ohhh nooo hope I didn't write anything wrong...

Thoughts dissipate, and ramblings come to an end at 11:44 p.m.

Essence of mind, captured on Tuesday, May 14, 2002

Ooh, worrying trend of entries getting far too long. Hmm think I'd try my hand at concise entries...

Got us banging your heads/fist on the table when we realised that the maths question had a typoerror. Didn't really understand what the lecturer was talking about at all. PW period was slightly more productive, with us dealing with problems on the issues pointed out by Moh. Heh, set up a blog for our project, so we can share ideas and our discussion minutes, an interesting but good use huh :P Didn't do much during CP other than do File I/O, solve ACM questions, and run about debugging others' work.

Went coro with yc, ln, chr, and bought my first bubble tea (ok not really bubble...just ice + pearls) Water can be quite filling, and urgh the entire cup really is just too much. Went to KAP for ITS exco meeting, which turned out to be a briefing on the interesting history of ITS...and how SV, PA/AVA comes into play. Wha, didn't really expect so much politics and stuff to be involved too.

Little to say, but looking forward to anything other than work that the class has planned. Heh, really wish the class isn't so into work now, can hardly catch up...

Thoughts dissipate, and ramblings come to an end at 11:23 p.m.

Essence of mind, captured on Monday, May 13, 2002

Er yep, slept all the way until 4.30pm after the previous post :) Feeling very lazy, and tried to rush out something for TimeTunnel until 6.30pm, before I hopped downstairs to watch Star Wars. Back to the desk after the show, worked on Chem and a little Phy until Lennon called me at 11pm telling me to send him slides, not text for TT. Argh, there goes my plan to finish my stupid chem tutorial, and spent the next two hours reading up and putting together a powerpoint presentation. Wanted to write something then, but decided against it and stepped into the portals of dreamland.

Could never get any work done at class bench, time seems to pass by so quickly on the bench, talking, laughing, all that stuff. Ended with nothing on my foolscap after ½ hour of staring at physics, because I ended being to busy with other stuff.

Started day with GP, where me and Lennon rushed to the Tech Lab (which is what I still call the Comp Lab, after years in TCHS =)) to copy stuff onto a diskette for the presentation, then rushed all the way back to the class. Oops, realised we are the first to present our hastily-placed-together slides, and really took up lots of time, especially while waiting for the powerpoint slides to load on the teacher's laptop. Though its 200mhz, I'd say it's at least 5 times slower than my current desktop, also at 200mhz. Wonder why.

Lessons are followed by maths, where we got back our functions test. As usual, I daren't look at it/flipped it over the other side, which I usually do, and only opening it to face the music/score when I've no choice :). Notice such behaviour extends beyond homework indeed, and remember myself not daring to play a maths game when I was young ... 6 years perhaps? ... because I was scared to lose. Ok, not scared to lose, just somehow fear the after-effects of losing - seeing the poor castle blown up :P Sigh. To think I was so panaroid that my mother had to play it and deliberately lose the game... remember myself rushing trying to save it, and haha running to my bedroom when defeat seems inevitable... wonder what's really on my mind then :P

The rest of the day proceeded without much happenings, mainly because the periods are lectures and in lectures I only do three iterative things, sleep, wake, copy. Though I nearly strangled myself in Chem because I lost 4 marks, no not because of failure to describe properly (as I always do), but because of absolute carelessness/calculation errors... that's something I cannot afford to lose, because my descriptive questions has always been terrible. Argh.

Life returns to routine again, RP - Break - Physics. Ah yes, our tutor didn't come today, so we ended up doing whatever we wanted to do. I fear for the sanity of the class - don't they do anything else other than homework?!? Amusing to pass time doing work, whistling out irritatingly high-pitched tunes, while just joking amongst all the guys (though its a little unhealthy huh :P) ... kinda reminds me of sec school :P

erm yeah went to the comp lab again, with the intention to write something before doing any work, but the technicians closed the lab. noticed the comp restored the links and my dictionary (some folder guard), asked the technician to help prevent it... they can't remove the links though. Argh!!! I hope noone notices them...I'm going to try find a way to get rid of em.

Bought some tidbits, and went to the reading room with christopher to get some work done. Tried to finish hastily the TYS part of physics so I'd not have to lug the TYS back home, though we were chased out of the RR at 7pm, still left for home with a small part undone.

Sort of worried... what did I say that evoked such a response from him? I was just saying its a pity that dobby didn't get into the its exco, didn't know if I've said something wrong, but ... perhaps its the class portal thing that i wasn't really able to handle, or mebbe because i sort of intruded into his privacy when i found his blog? but i don't mean to. after all he said, happy finding. sigh

Worried again... just look at what I've in store... There's a gigahertz competition to prepare, CO concert to practice (think I'd be kicked out / no chance to perform :( *sob*), networking competiton to study, PW to do, LIT to prepare and discuss, ITS exco, homework, class portal, etc. *shiver* hope I can handle it.

Yeah, still feeling worried. As it popped up, I wanted so much to just click and type that no, I'm not unhappy with you or whatsoever, I wonder what made you think so. On the other hand, well, perhaps it does seem to me that you disliked/hated me too. Oh dear. I wish everything will clear up. And yeah, been busy, haven't been commenting much, posted two today though to make up :)

Thoughts dissipate, and ramblings come to an end at 09:46 p.m.

Essence of mind, captured on Sunday, May 12, 2002

Today was the ITS exco elections. Was able to talk quite a lot on projects, as Class Portal really gave a lot of headache but lots of experience with such stuff. Changed my mind of vice-chairman and went straight for RAP head. Think I'm beginning to regret it now, after all that trouble from CPortal, do I really want another 12 months of head-splitting problems? Don't know, mind's in a whirl. Hmm also realised that our team has mis-interpreted IT Week, it's not the team who submitted the best proposal gets into the IT week committee, rather it's by taking good ideas from all teams and then choosing the committee from the pool of people. Anyway, was sitting down at the class bench when someone from the Exco, Yanli I think, just came to me and shook my hand, telling me that I got into the Exco. Hmm yeah Lennon and Yunching also got in, yay. If only Dobson got in. Shucks, I should have voted for Dobson instead of Lennon, after all, Lennon does seem more likely to get in rather than Dobby.

Decided to stay in school all the way until 7pm, when the Soirée will begin. Did Maths and played Erhu alternatively, all the way until around 6pm. Tried to play QingFeiDeYi on the erhu, didn't really work out at first, as I'd have to transpose all the notes almost one octave up, and it's terribly difficult to play. Then tuned down the base notes from D/A to C/G, easier to play, albeit much lower. Ran across the bridge just to buy some curry puffs, feeling slightly famished, then returned to continue with the maths. Didn't really do a lot of maths from all the time I spent, just finished Tutorial 3 w/o the TYS questions, hmm. Just stoned about after 5.30pm, listening to Tai An play his guitar, talking to Horse and Chris, and heh ate Christopher's leftover Tenderfresh chicken/fish rice, which Tai An vehemently rejected when offered. Then ran to Coro, wanted to buy some flowers for Horse, a card for Chris, and some food. Hmm yeah and used my SpyGame discount card for the first time, buying a drink for TA. Then rushed back to school for the performance.

On the whole, the performance was rather well. Well, though the rock band part wasn't really enjoyable, it's just noise after all. And it's really funny watching Mel run up the stage, with flowers for Jeremy, the first to happen in the day. Didn't really know it'd last that long, all the way until 10.15, and we stayed back after the Soirée, to talk, to sing and all that. By the time we all decided to leave, or rather, chased away by the security guards, it was already past 11pm, and all rushed to try grab the last bus home. Yep lucky for me, although I overshot my stop, I reached the interchange to hop on the last 80. Err well it doesn't really matter, because the interchange is only like 5 stops away?, and the buses I'd be taking also comes from the interchange. Yep, gets off at that stop just for the purpose of walking. Hmm, noticed it's a starry night...

Er yeah, today's a rambling entry, because nothing really thought-provoking happened, and it's just a condensed log of day's happenings. Ooh and yep, someone linked to me! :) A ex-classmate from 4D, hmm yeah think I'd be linking back soon, once I get my new design out. My heart just skipped a beat or two, and yeah think I've got mailophobia. The thought "Did I do anything wrong?" always surfaces whenever I receive such mails...;) Oooh pls I do hope I've not written anything wrong again...

Thoughts dissipate, and ramblings come to an end at 12:14 p.m.

Essence of mind, captured on Friday, May 10, 2002

[Sometimes Contrite Isn't Enough]
Yep, apologies abound. Yeah, I know, I started bickering about it in the first place anyway, not really thinking that it'd lead to this, but yeah, I just can't stand it when you used that sort of language, plus blasting me all the while. I tried, I just couldn't stand it. Umm yeah sorry too huh.
Oh yeah, intended to post this during Sunday as I do a general overview of everything. But yeah since this is the paragraph for it, so I'd put it here. Yeah sorry for seeming to jump to that conclusion, actually I've already tagged all three with names, so I was already quite sure it isn't so. Yeah but got really confused when it came, didn't respond properly and certainly not appropriately, and really wondered which one really made you think I'm writing about that. Er yeah, in response to that question, I was thinking about the (quote)"your friend"(unquote) part ;)

[Afraid of being spidered?]
Uh-huh, you guys seem unsure about how the robots.txt thing prevent search engines from listing your site. Yeah, just place this little file in your root directory with the syntax specified from various sites in the internet, accessible by searching for robots.txt on the net, and tada, no more fear of being found. The basic syntax for denying all searches:
User-Agent: *
Disallow: /
Er yeah this goes to ur robots.txt file, in the root directory.
Additional information on robots.txt can be found on http://www.robotstxt.org/wc/norobots.html. For those who hate dislike Google *cough*horse*cough*, urm yeah theres also the following few sites on how to remove your site forever from the prying eyes of others.
http://www.google.com/remove.html

[Excuses, excuses...],br> Oh yeah, missed yesterday's entry because 1) I was really feeling very unhappy about the events (putting it lightly), 2) got too caught in "Rose Madder", the book I borrowed from Chris. Er yeah promised myself to stop reading when the clock strikes 11, but somehow time seemed to speed up and by the time I lifted my eyes + hands off the book, it's 1.30am, and the only reason why I stopped is because there's nothing left to read. Err yeah and I still don't feel like turning on ICQ. Toss me a mail/message if there's anything urgent, huh.

[Scattered seeds of thoughts, sowed against the drap backdrop]
And yeah, feeling much better after finally thinking through some stuck neuroconnections in my brain. And it really struck me how I could have narrowly missed that had I an error margin of +9 days. Heck. Same site too. Yeah but anyway less deranged now, haha. Think I'm acting too depressed when I'm not, just happens that I'm what the title of this page was, yep, "Lost in Thoughts". And yeah, the more you think, the things just get clearer and clearer, and suddenly you don't think that it's that bad after all, just the way it always has been. Hmm yeah heh, thinking why should I give advice sometimes when I don't even follow them? Sigh. And I still get panaroia as I think what's going to happen tomorrow (plus everything else), the ITS elections and stuff. Hell, I don't want to be the chairman, I'm afraid myself, I just want to be able to lead AND yet have someone higher up to fall on when the worse comes. Argh. Never really able to free myself from the havoc the education system has bred into me - unwillingness to take any risks, not daring to strike out and be creative. Tried to though, and I've never been able to achieve what my friends around have did. Ooh-er, I feel pathetic. I really need those books that claim to improve your brain power, especially in the linguistic field. Made a complete fool of myself during CLAO during the practice oral session. Er and yeah, find myself unable to think critically or quickly enough to penetrate any situations, most of the time I only can do it provided I have sufficient background knowledge and the sudden tingle of instinct in the spine. It seems then I'd think faster down the correct path, my stammer gone, in fact I'd feel much more confident than usual, and can really talk alot. Well problem it occurs occasionally, and so far it hadn't really happened before when I use Chinese as the communicative medium.

[Worries, Uncertainties, Tightly Interwoven Into The Dance Steps of Life]
Oh dear. Wonder if the situation is really getting that bad, as from what they said? Hmm must wake up and observe whats going on, after all, it's my class. Er yeah but think I do feel it, I just don't feel comfortable sometimes, now I know why I oscillate between groups all the time, being extra and all that. I just don't really fit in any of them, just a little, here and there.

[When 3kb/s isn't enough]
Oooh as a sidenote, I've got my slightly-broader band at last! 256K now unlimited, in a week's time, so I can plug into my new computer and finally enter the web using my new machine... Whee!! Bye my trusty old Acer and 56k. (Soon to be) Gone are the days of limited internet access and a pathetically slow processor. Woohoo!

[Hollow Ramblings]
Er yeah, just a log of the day's activities for memory's sake.
Didn't do well for compo in GP, but it just stuck in my mind because of the uncanny coincidence. Just before submitting the paper, I've written a prediction (as I always do when I'm sure it's inconspicious enough) at the back of the page, and er yeah it just happened to be my score, correct to the indiviual component parts ie C and E. Er yeah, I know I did terribly, but somehow knowing that I expected that it'd be so makes it better ;P
Drove our Chem tutor into an especial bad mood with our amazing lack of speed, for our class size. Oooh. Wonder if there's any way we can speed up.
Rest of day without incidents, unless you consider doing badly for the maths test an incident. Argh. It's so badly done I just don't wish to even write about it. Uh-huh, it's a sign that I noticed which signifies I'm unwilling to accept what has happened (and for the world to know), just like why I never wrote about that at all.
Uh-huh, reached home, went online, and got really peeved, decided to disconnect. Boring day. Read 3 hours straight so I'd finish the book.
Woke up after ensuring the sky has fallen on my head, stuck my head out to see if the sun is yet again rising in the East (I'm beginning to see a pattern in this), and realised there's no sun in the early morning. Ah. Another revelation.
Ur yeah think I'm the slowest in Physics Practical too, everyone has gotten their ice and are doing their cooling graphs already while I'm still heating. Not to mention I wasted two dozen matchsticks all together trying to light the bunsen flame when it went out (3 times altogether). Argh. Can't I even light a match?
Ooh did ok enough to get the gold for NAPFA. Though it was pretty 'kek' when I realised I narrowly missed two As in standing broad jump and sit-and-reach because I'm one measly centimeter short of the required target. Grr.
Chem was routine, though its something worth mentioning that it's the first time (or second, I can't recall) in my entire year that I actually fell asleep long enough to miss copying a page of notes! Haha. Yay whee. I feel much more awake after that nap, especially from the surge of adrenaline when I realised that I missed out so much copying and desperately tried to fill up the blanks by copying from people in front and beside.
Ok, hrm nothing happened in Physics either, except I kicked my erhu, and watched helplessly, blocked by the table as it toppled over, freefall, onto the floor. Scary to note how my leg twitched in response to falling objects, honed by months of chapteh, heh :P
Fish. Need I say more?
Er yeah was struggling over the agonising decision of whether to 'pon' CLAO or not. Decided not to, and haha it turns out that we had no lesson today, but were herded to the LT to the talk on the "Yin and Yang of writing". Ooh haha the first time I talked to several of my classmates from other CTs. Quite interesting talk, though I found myself praying really hard (to anyone up there willing to listen) that it'd end so fast and end up having to return for more CLAO lessons. Ooh, the teacher was generous today, she let us off early by 15 minutes! Whee!
Well CO was, well, CO, and it's good to note that finally I'm seeing (or rather hearing) improvements at last in Gada. It's a really nice song. And yeah you guys want to book a CO ticket? I've heard that we *might* be able to put you into a better location, according to speed of booking and availability. I happen to have full access to the storing files in the booking system too, but that's another story ;P
Yep, end of a perfectly normal day and school week. Better start preparing for the ITS speech tomorrow, I'm already trembling with trepidation.

Thoughts dissipate, and ramblings come to an end at 11:45 p.m.

Essence of mind, captured on Wednesday, May 8, 2002

Back to my old computer. The new modem just cannot work, even after trying to download the drivers from the site itself. Realised that the WinXP seems to have some problems displaying their default drivers, because out of the blue the list of available modem drivers suddenly sprang out. Made the wrong choice and ended up losing the list again, which till today is still unfound. Sigh. But never mind that, I'm getting broadband soon, yay. Until then, guess I'd be stuck with this computer, huh.

And yes, because I was too lazy yesterday to rewire everything from my new to old computer, didn't write anything. All I remember after turning off the computer is that I grabbed the chemistry kinetics notes, and started to study on bed. The next thing I knew, it was dark, I was clutching the notes on one hand, my specs on the other, and its 6am in the morning. Grr perfect, had absolutely no recollection of even reading the notes - it isn't even flipped. And I haven't done the summary. Hastily rushed out of bed and tried to catch the earlier bus so I can reach school by perhaps earlier than 7am. Tried to read the chemistry notes again on the bus, which displayed yet again its amazing ability to put you to sleep in less than 5 minutes. By the time I regained any semblence of consciousness, HCJC was like only 5 bus-stops away. Grr, I've spent the entire night and the bus trip clutching on to the chemistry notes, and yet have spent less than 10 minutes reading through them. Hoping perhaps there'd be at least a little diffusion of information through my skin. Maybe then I wouldn't fail too terribly.

Decided to be anti-social today, and sat in the canteen rushing through the GP summary and chemistry, because I doubt I'd be able to concentrate once I step into the vicinity of the class bench. At least I managed to kill off summary + 15 minutes worth of reading through the notes before the bell signalled its time to go sing some songs. Urm yeah. At least that's I think that's what the bell means when it sings it monotonous, shrill song everyday at exactly 7.35am.

Utterly shocked when I realised chemistry tutorial is the first lesson today. Hmm but then I guessed I couldn't have studied much even if the first two periods are GP huh. Yeah, hope I wouldn't fail, even though I already screwed up the last part.

Rest of day was routine, laughs abound in CP though, with me merely living existing through the rest of the periods, floating by the day, or at least that's what I think. I don't seem to be able to interact well with the surrounding objects, I don't feel at ease , especially after eliciting a rather negative response. Think I'm beginning to be fearful of being myself. Perhaps it's a phase, and maybe I'd be over it one day.

Didn't buy any books today, because I don't generally buy books, unless they have reread value - why buy when I can borrow it from the library, finish it in a day or two and return it, for free? Believe popular books can be found over the net anyway, so erm yeah. But think I'm going to spend my $15 subsidy on books to develop my brains or something - it seems severely lacking. Or perhaps some interesting books teaching to expand your consciousness. But err yeah I still like reading books, would finish a book a day if I had the time - which usually happens during the holidays, and they are nowhere in sight. Yes and yeah Christoper your 'Rose Madder' is a interesting read! Lend me one more day pretty please? :)

Nothing happened much during CO, which is usual. Though it worries me how much we still have to progress if we are to reach concert standards in 1 month. And yeah, whistled a few good ol' CO tunes (yeah and the Star Wars one too ;p) while going home, its hard to find people willing to whistle with you ya know :( Really feel like starting a Whistling Club or something like that haha :) If I get enough time ;)

As I walked home from bus-stop, in the dark, under the full cloud cover, alone, with no-one in sight for miles and miles, my mind starts to wander out of phase, and it becomes really terrifying to a certain extent, with me trying to grapple with the ropes of reality, while my mind threatens my sanity. At that point, I just seem to be drifting out of sync with the world, I don't seem to be myself at all, just a floating semi-conscious entity in this plane of existance. And the feeling is weird. To say I'm afraid sometimes is putting it very lightly, especially when I seem not to trust myself at times. It seems so real, yet while I don't trust my senses, I still somehow believe them, ending up struggling with myself to differentiate what is the foggy, unreal part and what is real. But then perhaps everything isn't real, we just live in a hologram, projected out from the centre of the universe. Just like the rain, which I stood under for a while, just to feel the rain fall on my skin, telling me I'm still myself.

And perhaps I'm terribly annoying/irritating/etc at times, yeah. Curious to a fault. And yet wants to be nice to everyone, "under the badge of altruism just to justify my shameless existance"(gp compre), but yet don't want to overdo it sometimes. Yep. Often end up hesitating, stopping in the middle of nowhere, deciding whether it is appropriate to help or not. And after deliberation I usually don't think it is.

Thoughts dissipate, and ramblings come to an end at 09:17 p.m.

Essence of mind, captured on Monday, May 6, 2002

Err yep, skipped yesterday's entry due to the extreme lateness when I'm done debugging the CO booking system, plus I still have a chinese summary to complete at 2am in the morning. Hmm yeah never mind, nothing ever happens to me on Sundays anyway, other than the rather amusing albeit confusing happenings on that day. Rather stressed out in the middle of the night for unknown reasons, must be the lack of sleep + hours of looking at code. Urg. I think my perspective on code structure is changing again, which is urh good!

Dragged myself out of bed after 3+ hours of sleep so I can reach school at 7, supposedly to discuss the time tunnel project and put things together, but that never happened. Realised I forgot totally about GP compre, was like trying to find out how to do when I just gave up. Heck. And err yeah, interesting to note that out of the 9 who didn't do, 8 are from TCHS, hmm interesting statistics, wonder what does it mean? ;) Acted screwball the entire morning, must be the lack of sleep + undone work + upcoming work. Hmm actually not really behind at all, just treading the line of sufficiency and the lack of it, but this class seems to do so much so fast (ok some), one can hardly sit still as they zoom pass you. wang4 cheng2 mo2 ji2

Right, nicely uneventful the whole day, able to log some Zzzs during the lectures, but not really a habit to sleep during lectures, so more or less just resting. Noticed I can hardly concentrate the whole day, think I need more sleep. Hard to do so however, still have the stupid CO stuff to put up, argh can someone just shoot me huh.

Gravity pulls me to Earth, while I suck at Gravitation a action-reaction, N3L pair? Argh. Did terribly at the test, but oooh think I'm getting used to it. Hrm noticed I'd never do well if such speed is involved, wonder if there's a training course to help kill off extreme carelessness?

Uh huh, no PE today, ended up trying to rush out the ITS proposal DUE today. Erm yeah, then tried to make up for the lost PE by playing chapteh. Oooh shoe's extremely loose today, it flew out 3 times while I'm kicking about, lucky me noone is hit by the flying shoes. Hmm noticed one managed to reach around the 3rd floor, thats like a speed of approx 14ms-1 on launch! Well if the laws apply to flying shoes that is.

Reached home and was semi-watching TV while clearing up dinner when I heard what the child on the show have to say about how her father is treating her:: (translated) "I only remember the happy things he've done, and as for the sad things, I have already forgotten - I don't remember them for long". Just felt like crying after hearing it.

And my computer's modem is still not functioning...argh it feels so weeeeeird using a 200mhz computer when a functioning 1.6ghz comp is next to you. And heck, I'm not going to do any work. I'm going straight to bed. Nights.

Thoughts dissipate, and ramblings come to an end at 10:46 p.m.

Essence of mind, captured on Saturday, May 4, 2002

Have a tendency for pulling muscles while in sleep, and now is suffering the after effects of that on both legs. Can't even walk without limping a little now, eek.

Dragged myself out of bed at 8 today so I could reach school for the ITS meeting. Practically waited for 1 hour before someone actually came, and called the other two. One forgot, the other didn't come because he was sick. I mean, come on, mild pneumonia + sore throat = cannot come school? Many people nowadays seem to think the minor-est of disease will suffice as excuse for not doing work. Perhaps I should email him back telling him that I am suffering from a bad cough, flu, sore throat FROM the cough, acne :P, but then again, perhaps I shouldn't.

Oooh, its 7.48 and my computer has arrived!! Shall blog more later :)

(much-less-enthusiastic) Oooh, its 1.00 am in the morning and I'm sick, dirty, dusty, tired and still using my old computer. Transferred the harddrives to my new computer and copyed the impt stuff onto the new one. Then realised my old modem requires sort of a double-slot, while my new one doesn't have anything like that, so erm yeah guess I'd be using this old comp still for sometime? At least till I can get a new modem.

I don't know why. Think I've been so de-sensitised to others' feelings recently I can't act appropriately, in time. Err yeah very guilty now... Sorry! Don't think of it that way ok, I'm not hiding anything from you or something =| I'm not that dodgy, it's just ... me. Yes, what I wrote was referring to that. And no, I truely don't mean anything, especially not something meant to cause hurt. Perhaps it's true I'm afraid of misinterpreting everything and getting everyone hurt/embarrassed, and that's why I never dare to answer indirect questions, even when the question can be staring at me in the face. (Because it happened once already, not because of anything else) Promise I'd be more straight-forward next time, ok? Er yeah, sorry.

Have this weird nagging feeling inside. Something's weird. Currently playing a song that seems to give the simplest explaination to it all. Erm yeah and thought it's a waste, so I'd repost part of it: "No point searching for feathers in a egg, when a chick will be hatched soon, right?"
Erm yeah. Just posting it because its nice, not because of anything else.

Thoughts dissipate, and ramblings come to an end at 06:15 p.m.

Essence of mind, captured on Friday, May 3, 2002

Screwed up physics practical. Big time. Supposed to get a straight line with a negative gradient, turns out the other way, meaning in my temporal experimental world gravitation has suddenly reversed.

Ran for 2.4km next, was sort of expecting the 5-items instead, had to run under the blazing sun instead. Just pulled a muscle yesterday while stretching myself on the computer seat, ended up (almost) screaming in pain, hopping on one foot clutching the other leg. Hmm anyway just followed Chris all the way, hoped to go under 10.30, ended up with 10.42 instead.

Chem lecture was characteristically boring, tried to organise a sleep shift, where each of us take turns to sleep while the others copy. Strained our eyes just to see the extremely blurred/unfocused words on the screen, think my eyes just degraded by another 25 degrees. (Checked the projector later, hmm it HAD a pair of focussing buttons)

Discussed IT week stuff later, on poster and game ideas. Rushed to CLAO late, noticed that its extremely hard trying to explain to your teacher why you're late, especially when every other chinese word is mixed with computing-related-english-terms-which-i-had-no-idea-how-to-translate. Think she just gave up trying to understand and just told me to sit down first. Got let off early to go for the CenTaP interview, which was a harrowing experience. They kept drilling into me the idea of having to drop CO, giving the worst case scenarios, like being forced to leave or something like that. Come on... those teachers can't really seem to differentiate between interest and cca-points, it's like everything that I do, I do for the points. Don't believe I can't stay as a member even if all my Wednesdays are filled up, at most I can't get into the concert. (Shrug) That's when I'd have to pia at home and prove that I'm still stage-worthy. Oh, speaking of CO, GaDa was pathetic. There's only a month away from the performace, and being the spectator for the first time in months, I noticed that only a few of the instruments could come in correctly on time, some even completely skipping their parts. Beat was way off sometimes. Ok, let's attribute that to lack of practice - which means that we're going to have to come back on Saturdays for extra practices. Shucks. Hmm yeah back to the interview, they were asking questions that I've expected, but cannot answer, like "Do you have any ideas for the project?" Have actually thought of one beforehand, but I knew it would be fake and un-implementable if they really knew what I am talking about. Was going on and on about using distributed computing to research on neural networks interconnecting the entire web, with each computer a seperate node, with external stimuli caused by the inherent constant logging on and off of computers to force new alternate pathways to be opened, allowing the main server to be able to make use of this massive computational network for evolving internet technology and stuff. ALL CRAP. I knew this cannot is unlikely to be ever implemented due to the differences between a neural node and a computer, distances to be involved, requiring connection speeds of greater than your average T1 connection, and what the heck can a neural net spanning the internet be used for?? I thought the idea might sound impressive if they don't know the ideas indepth, but if they do, I'm dead.

Shoot me. I suddenly don't feel like going for LIT. I can survive without it. I don't think I can do it. This sucks.

And haha, I'm going to get my new low-budget computer soon :P YAYAY most likely getting broadband too!!! WOOOHOOO!!! No more time stoning in front of the comp waiting for it to process a single click! And A NEW COMPUTER!!!! OOOH!! Am getting delirious...

And yeah Tai An, i know :P i think schools are like one big rubber stamp.... almost everyone from CHS I talked to about it share the same consensus/feel the same on tHaT issue... ;)

Ooooh and I don't believe it! Just bought something I'd never believe I'd ever buy... No lah! Not those! *squash those dirty minds* Vanity stuff lah... haha :P

And I noticed I'm becoming real nasty nowadays, especially to Melvin. Hmm. Make that everyone. I don't trust myself, and I dodge, I hide, I flee. I keep chanting in my head to keep it moving straight, to not slide off the slippery mental pathway. I'm beginning to enclose myself so much, I don't really care much about how others feel, not as much as before. I still make the effort to (try to) say a cheery Good Morning, like so everytime I arrive at the class bench, in the early morning. I don't want to be so so so unfriendly.... Inability to socialise well with some of the 2nd intakers make it seem even worse. Argh. Have to try. Believe in myself. Trust that I'd not commit the same mistake again. Let myself go free, unfettered by constant self-censorship. Free.

Felt sort of comforted. At least it'd be ok one day.

As I was sending everyone to sleep, one by one, I suddenly just remembered how it once used to be on MUD, how my MUDsis dionne will just send me off when I'm going offline with a goodnight kiss (haha well I played as a female character)... the sweetness :P sort of miss it all, although its just all scrolling text :P Miss MUD. But just don't have the time to play it anymore.

Decided to pay my old friends on MUD a little surprise visit :) Their friendliness never cease to amaze... my face has been fixed on a smile since I entered to chat a little. Hai. The good ol' days.

Thoughts dissipate, and ramblings come to an end at 10:33 p.m.

Essence of mind, captured on Wednesday, May 1, 2002

Little to add today actually, have done nothing at all, only a little work. Think later I might work on the online booking system and stuff again, but for now think I'd just try to get some work done --- in sort of a holiday mood, just can't get any work done at all.

Oh yes, and it's a new month yet again, adding yet another month's of thoughts to the archives. Doesn't it feel like compiling a chapter in your book of life, each archival seems to end a particular phase in life, telling us to stop looking back and move on to the next chapter in our story. Yet, as one reads a book over and over again, there is always something to be gleaned by reading and reliving each fragment of our lifes, to laugh, to cry, to look back. Our memories are what our lifes are composed of, with each passing day the addition of a new page, a new leaf in a ever-growing, verdant tree. Wouldn't it be sad to lose that page to the attrition of time, to lose all the wonderful memories that we once possessed but now rendered indeciperable by the onslaught of winds and rain from the fourth dimension? Wouldn't it be sad when one day when we all grow old, and as we try to delve deep into our heart to revisit the tree of memories, hoping to relive our youth, and realise it to be bare?

That's why I blog.

Click here to view the past chapter's of this character in the story of his own making.
(Err actually it's yet another long link descriptor to the past month's page =] Being overly dramatic again haha. And yeah I have also updated last month's final entry...)

"Time is an accident of the nervous system. In reality, time don't pass. We pass." Hmm.
Currently feeling very tempted to throw M onto my invisible list. Perhaps I should.
11+pm. Suddenly blasted with messages from people. Hmm ok I know, I know. Don't ask me why I await the popup, yet never daring to click on it.
Thoughts dissipate, and ramblings come to an end at 07:27 p.m.