Chasing time on Saturday, April 2, 2005...
Freezing night in India; last few nights to be around here and a sense of nostalgia (as well as e characteristic numbing of fingers as the cold sinks in) descends heavily, as usual. You know, sometimes its not change that we fear but rather, the rate of change: when you've just begun to familiarize yourself with e environs and notice bits and pieces of beauty hidden in nooks and crannies, its time to go. Or maybe its just sometimes when you know things that once were will never to be again, and desperately cling on to all your precious memories, knowing too well from faded experience that it slips oh it slips no matter how hard you grasp... futilely at the grains of falling sand, tumbling down the hourglass... Of time going away, of time being lost and being covered and crushed by the endless stream of incoming time... The steady beat of individual sand slicing time to then and now, can you feel it? Apprehension grips me tight whenever i concentrate on noticing the beat, so lets learn to dance to the beat by feel and let it guide you down the inevitable path of life...
Um. Hi to all again! Be back soon haha can't wait to go eat proper food again man was thinkin like its time to start planning my food journey to cover as much as i can before book in heh. Shall write more when i get back i guess wanna sleep liao :)
...panting, staring bleakly ahead at the dust trail, and gave up at 11:50 p.m.
Chasing time on Tuesday, March 22, 2005...
Hi all! Got net to work on phone at last, hopefully it's really free! Someone help me doublecheck? :)
rights, food's been good with mainly curry, naam which is a bread like Prata, chicken and mutton with e consistency of chewing gum heh. The bread thingy's good, food in general is better than singapore's cook house food.
Weather's been hot! But even under the cloudless sky and blazing sun, it's still bearable due to the dry continuous winds that kept us dry and decently cool. Night freezes towards 3am, so jacket's a must. Insects are completely uncivilised and unchecked growl, have to be completely wrapped to just go to sleep heh.
No major injuries other than the slipping down of the rubble slope while charging up at night, a few more bruises and cuts haven't been so injured for a long time hmm been generally safe in the army heh.
Canteen provides the basic necessities such as chips and coke and chocolate :D but they dun like change apparently, so will give you sweets to make up for the change not given, it's like an alternate form of currency :p
the air cooler's a fascinating device in our room, with a fan and hay embedded metal mesh, linked to two water trays. The idea is to have a large surface area of evaporation to cool the air next to the fan, which will then send the cool air billowing in :) keeps the day cool, and the nights happily freezing cold as we snuggle in our sleeping bags.
Rights, hope all has been fine and great for you guys all... Drop me a message or two, keep me updated with all e happenings! :)
...panting, staring bleakly ahead at the dust trail, and gave up at 09:20 p.m.
Chasing time on Thursday, March 17, 2005...
Rights, will be off until 6th April! Take care all until then! ~ Phone's dead and not revived so hopefully can try using gprs with friend's phone. ugh, there goes my mp3s.
very frustrating week; killer headache just after reaching home foiled all plans for e night; blardy firefox just made things worse, having to make active scripts tt fits both ways is hell; searched for passport only to find tt it's already submitted; phone died just before india; nokia care refuses to just flash the darned thingy and insists on giving a thorough check -_-; an edgy feeling all the time, a gnawing tireness and nervousness; like sometimes wrongs gonna happen soon. or issit venting off excess bad luck?
...panting, staring bleakly ahead at the dust trail, and gave up at 02:03 p.m.
Chasing time on Monday, March 14, 2005...
Yet another week passes! In this weekly installment, we shall trace the life and thoughts of NSboy Ennui! Akin to Big Brother and other related reality teevee (sans the girls, of course), we shall probe the horrendously mundane and boring life of one defender of the nation, the one the nation has entrusted to do guard duty when you are sleeping peacefully in your beds! In short, this week has been utterly so empty, we decided that a short paragraf will suffice! -switches to 1st person perspective-
finally! After a month of /)@*$ 4NTM standby, we're finally free! Free from having to carry the unimaginably obiang pager around (wah, you got see that nearly bald guy? He still using pager lei! So toot!), from living life on a thread during the weekends, when a phone call, instant message is opened with fear that we'd be recalled back to camp (hmm probably somewhat akin to opening the reply from one whom you've just declared your undying love for: you just gotta open it anyway and hope its not what you feared; and yes, it IS that bad. my heart skips a beat or two whenever i receive messages from fellow greenshirts), the dread of waking up to the shrill laughter of the pager (i swear, every note emitted by the pager sounds as if a sound engineer has extracted the essence of mock and dread from the speech of say, Bin Laden, Voldemort and maybe my officer in command, and infused it cleverly the beeps and doots), and of course, daily ritual of drawing and cleaning arms and vehicle, of being in uniform the whole day, especially the @*!# suffocating boots. Ugh, my feet stinks.
Marvin Minsky, one of the defining personas of the AI field, once said something along the lines of this: I condition myself to try out new things, to revel in awkward conditions and moments associated with new experiences and unique situations, such that learning and adaptation becomes a constancy in my life.
Massively paraphrased, since I don't even have the book with me, and probably read it like a month ago. But the essence of this quote stuck in my head, to make ourselves do things that our mind refuse to - by our conditioned inhibitions, lazyness, unwillingness to step out of our comfort zone, to stick to what we have obstinately and refuse to evaluate and adapt the rapid changes ongoing in our swiftly evolving world - but of course, while remaining in proper frameworks of morality, self and societal consensus and the likes: well, as long as you think it as useful, no matter how onerous, challenging, or boring; do it! Challenge yourself daily, break out of routine, accustom yourself to changes, evaluate and adapt. I hope you guys might find this perspective towards life useful; do evaluate it, and adopt what you agree with! :)
All right, enough of columnists, back to me! Er. Well, after the handover of duties, it actually turned out that there was completely nothing planned for us for the rest of the week! Gosh! So i stuck to my daily ritual of one maths s question for keeping the mind sharp, a game of chess (i always lost) to increase logic ala sims style, kept in touch with the cruel realities of war as well as projectile trajectories with erm, Worms World Party, on my phone, as well as word lists to improve vocabulary, books ("Information at light speed" or something like that), force fed self some chinese words, and planned of stuff nonstop like "file upload queues on web browsers" and " taking over the world" pinky&brain style. Slept quite a bit too, unfortunately; spirit is willing but the flesh is lazy.
And I was reading "Going Postal" by Terry again, when I read about this post boy nerd stanley outgrowing his pincollecting hobby and was saying something like, Pins are so dead, Sir! after picking up stamps instead. "And so we move on, thought Lipwig" -- i don't know why, but the words "outgrow", "sir", "move on" in particular triggered something within: it is as if my consciousness had suddenly expanded to extrapolate the future and draw on the memories past, and the resulting me in the middle of it all; well, it ain't very pleasant. Cringed at the massive changes, difference between old and young, my choices at crossroads, worries, responsibility, competition, losing the race; of the innocence lost, of us trading black hairs of youth with the white troubled hair of age. From birth to death, a lifecycle compressed and flashed by, against the 13.7billion years universe, and was struck completely by the utter shortness span of time we're allocated; how insignificant! More cringing! Practically was reduced to muffled fits on bed, as the mind, caught unprepared, reels from the momentary slow unstoppable full impact of the hand of time as it imprints a timeless vision onto it. Ow. But it wore off rapidly thankfully, leaving only vestiges of the original dread, utter impotence and insignificance; Is that what it means to be fully, truly awake to the world? No wonder we live our lives like in a dream, blind and oblivious, stumbling along backwards on the path of time, for how could we open them, and stay sane?
spent the whole saturday programming; ugh failed as i realise various methods dun work for multitudes of reason. Utterly demoralised, having spent a full day on it, but i find it hard to withdraw, to stop working, to conquer it...
it fair was large, went and updated self on the prices and all. queues crazy! Friends on buying spree! Assaulted on all fronts with people squeezing, people promoting, people pushing brochures.. Nothing bought, myself.
ack, 1.30am. Time to sleep! 365 days to ORD!!
...panting, staring bleakly ahead at the dust trail, and gave up at 01:38 a.m.
Chasing time on Monday, March 7, 2005...
Somehow the passing of time have become less distinct; week after week of monotonous activities, delimited only by weekends, have led to blurring of the events occurring within... Run? Clean arms? Area cleaning? Meals? They seem there and everywhere, so much so that I'd stare blankly at the screen, thumbs poised, trying to recall the happenings of the week. Ah ok, monday was pretty free since the commanders were taking their tests; noticed that the vehicular weapons have begun to rust so we trooped over to do some maintenance. Unfortunately for us all, not everyone was as hardworking so the next day during the turnout the oc did his routine check and got unhappy over the state of the weapons, and ordered that the company be confined over the week; as it turned out, we all cleaned like crazy over the week on all opportunities, hoping that there'd be no need to stay back till saturday, but on saturday we were told instead to clean ALL the weapons in the armskote instead of our own weapons -_-
i spent nearly 3 hours cleaning two gas connector pipes the size of two bottle caps stacked, scrapping, oiling, swabbing cos of the accumulated carbon buildup from australia and the recent range @_@ well, partly cos was too lazy to go find more appropriate tools... hmm. We work too hard but not smart sometimes, unwilling to look beyond to see if there are alternate ways once we've committed ourselves to a path.
guard duty on tuesday too, walking in incessant rounds the vehicle shed; brought much to do, achieved little :p
section tests on wednesday and thursday; din do v well, compounded further by a useless sect comm. practised quite a bit after performing so miserably; lack of sleep after duty?
To the best ain't what that matters, rather it's the process, the fighting spirit, and the mentality that its up to you to make it happen. Is it true that if you ain't near the top you ain't trying hard enough? Nature... that we all come with varying abilities; or nurture... that its because of lack of development somewhere, that we can somehow make up (if we knew how?)
8km run. Despite seemingly putting in more effort and much better weather conditions, timing was actually slower than last week's by 30s. ; sometimes trying too hard wun make things work out better? Just chill and put in a good consistent pace you can handle for the length of the work, and things will work out? If it din, perhaps even further pushing wouldn't have helped anyway? :)
the release of Os and As brought back flood of memories; extremely worried during Os, well probably due to the lack of studying :p and also perhaps we've just got so much to lose O_o As weren't that bad cos pretty much was able to guess my results anw, but still had much expectations of gp, given the exceptionally coincidental appearance of the one (and only) topic that we went through with mr choe just before the exams haha.
i wonder, as i scroll through 05 blog's entries, have we felt that way once before? of the sense of belonging, of waking up and actually looking forward to school, of friendships forged, of unique experiences shared and common memories created... words struggle to define this one and only experience, which sometimes defies logic (why does it evoke such strong feelings, unsubstantiated by oft forgotten events?); a magickal moment, trapped in a bubble of time in memory;
maybe its all relative. then i have to thank saf for bringing my hc experience to an all time high. or maybe, its just... well.
juniors did ok mainly, but many were distraught with the lack of As. Sch got 43% 4As while rjc got 55% 4As @_@ ugh, bad year for the hci family.
went for talentime05, 04 class had two person participating; tried to gatecrash but ended with tickets anyway. Great performances, with naifen n yuru's great rendition of count on me (or something like dat) , 3rd in group vocals category, LOVE with woonhowe in it performing Where Is The Love (i was NOT screaming) which got the overall best performance award. Of special mention would be the v amusing yet good rendition of One Night In Beijing by two gals, chinese orchestra with a pretty unique start, which got tops in open :D hung around with the grandjuniors a bit, catching up with developments haha yet feeling ever so out of place :/
...panting, staring bleakly ahead at the dust trail, and gave up at 12:47 a.m.
Chasing time on Monday, February 28, 2005...
A very tiring week indeed~ or maybe a normal week, just that we've gotten used to slacking :p 8km run i think on monday, turn out practice on tuesday, weapons inspected and oc made a fuss of it, straight after went for live firing briefing, followed by lunch, live firing practice, and followed by 12 km combat march where besides endurance training had drills practice alongside so in the end it took up so much time they shortened it to 8km only, returned only to clean our weapons, despite having a live firing the next day; slept late, woke up early and went for combat shoot- din manage to get 200 bucks this time though due to some laser aiming device screwup by some guy in our section, sigh one day wasted - returned only at around 2, slept at 4, and spent the whole of next day cleaning arms. Passed time by debating over pointless issues haha like souls and gods :) booked out only at 8.30pm as they insisted on inspecting all the weapons to make sure they are clean -_-
unable to do much work this week; general sense of weariness and sianzness... The more you try to learn the more you realise you don't know and is still so far away from achieving your goals. (or an excuse to slack :p) did little this week, just 380 to freedom :|
freedom is perhaps an illusion; sometimes the less choices you have the more free you are :p
i fell asleep on a sunday afternoon, and dreamt happy dreams; the simple fulfillment of reliving parts of the past through the eyes of an overseer. Of living out your current most deepest wants in dreams. Your playground. Maybe it's worth learning dreamsculpting :)
went out with 02 on saturday, where we ate and sang our lungs out at klunch, bluffing our way through paying 5 pax for 6, massacred s.h.e. songs with morbid amusement (some of us weren't amused, though :p), worse ever rendition yes, but freeking funny :p and it was only 6 bucks!
So having "underspent" as chris puts it, we troop over to pool and arcade :)
bought another battery when i tot i lost a previous one; now i have 3! :S
-hopes and wishes- all the best 05 :) it wud be a shame to see one of the most united class ever of 60 break @_@
popped by jts to say hello and good luck before journeying back to camp.
Dropped by supermarket; couldn't resist the allure of variety, as of yet my cupboard contains: ritz cheese, oreos, butter cookies, oreos peanut butter, centre filled cadbury chocolate cookies, munchies chocolate biscuits :D and chrysanthamum tea to cool off the chox induced heatiness :p
i'm weird. looking at the different packages neatly stacked in my cupboard makes meh kinda somehow happified :)
miss the good ol days again; but analysing the good old days somehow gives me an unfortunate thought that the "good old days feeling" in school are partial cover for more baser instincts :( ah well, most of our actions are, anyway.
...panting, staring bleakly ahead at the dust trail, and gave up at 12:23 a.m.
Chasing time on Sunday, February 20, 2005...
First two days of week was on drills revision, and got a nights off on vday which i spent romantically with the computers in cck library surrounded with books of various ages and different stages of tatter, not to mention the superb ambience of quietude with a touch of conditioning in the air.
To fully appreciate music you need a quiet place; to fully appreciate the world you need a quiet mind.
Borrowed some of feist's fantasy novels; been a long time since i just drowned myself into a makebelieve world, living the life of an 3rd party - no need for decisions, just let it pull you deeper and deeper down the story, a worryfree thrilling story ride. Borrowed books on artificial intelligence, which widened my pespective of this intriguing field much. you know so little...
killer 8km road march on wednesday, with all the new loads and all, in the hot afternoon sun as part of the heat acclimatisation programme; had to bear the company flag as well heh in front...
Oh and had two consecutive turn outs on tuesday and wednesday -_-
Booked out on thursday morning for dental appointment; drilled brushed filled various parts of the teeth to a grand total of 48 bucks - somehow get the feeling that the dentist, no matter how polite, has lost her passion in it, just wanting to get the job done. Hmm.
Went home and fiddled with code before booking in to a full day of fatigue. Cleaned arms the whole afternoon, then spent the evening shifting guns weighing 30+ kg all over the place. Turned out that our weapon gave a senior technician inspecting a shock; when we changed the weapon with another after from the company armskote (how did this word originate O_o) it turned out that it could not be electrically triggered -_- so had to lug them all back to the company to swap for yet another set - ended finally and just when we thought its over, the lucky draw for friday's sentry duty began ~
i weighed pros and cons, that this saturday i'd be mostly free, against the fact there'd be two more duties next week on thursday and friday which i wun want to do - and decided to just volunteer for it; not altruistic but i guess i wanted to make it seem so to others :p win-win, or iwin-uthinkuwin? Then swapped duties to become the ammo party instead, for the other guy has urgent business on saturday and needs to be assured of early leave on that day. Some potential loss, played to bring maximal improvement to how others perceive you to be? It all seem so fake sometimes, how all actions borne out of our perceived goodwill can be said to be angling for long term potential gains~ as long as everyone's happy about the decision? Haha.
Ammo duty - probably one of the most onerous tasks i've done for the past year or so, especially when the sergeant in charge don't even know what he's doing for nuts. Did everything for him, allocating the loadings of various types of magazines, calculating ammo requirements and adjusting distribution, actual distribution and making sure it went correctly as planned, all the paperwork (probably except the places he had to sign), then helped load magazines, fish unfired rounds from all the returned rounds... And he's like that for almost everything, dunno why they allowed him to sign on -_- helped him with percentages and fractions when he asked, on the fact that we cannot return more than 20% of the drawn ammo - he can't even do primary maths! -shakes head-
reached back at 3am, packed and bathed till 4am, woken up and chased out of camp at 6 -_- ah well, at least we got home early. Settled in and did the usual inane stuff before sleeping away the afternoon. Tried to do dynamic wap pages, some gateway error though..
Went for STJ'60, and hopped between the different tables, trying to learn and hone communicative skills :p was at ps cafe cartel, and ordered medium steak which turned out to be well done -_- the grandseniors <04 all clumped together mainly, met jinsen'00 too who happened to be there with friends. V amusing too heh
chris: waiter! I want a pork chop, but change the vege to chips... and the pork change to fish! The knife, change to the blunter one for cutting fish
waiter: do you mean to order fish and chips?
chris: nono, i want the pork chop sauce. In the meantime, i need a bigger table and chair, outdoor airconditioning...
and the more army ones... junyi, straight ahead! Move one bound forward! Move move move ... ! Ok rest of section, straight ahead, 25m, junyi in vegetation, fire!
reminds me of all the jc days again :) they seem so much more funner too. One of em bought this little device that actually delivers an electric shock to the loser :p elsewhere truth and dare games rage, as well as a quick messy but interesting solitare/heartattack fusion game involving lots of fun and screaming and slammings :p
and it was book in, again -hai-
it had all seemed so real; like a dream, it has faded gently into the deepest recess of the mind, with vestiges of it forming the vague outline of memory, as well as a touch of leftover emotions and remnant feelings tracing your soul - an almost undecipherable whisper in the wind.
Has it really once happened, we ask - for we know not ; that the past is too like a dream.
Sleepwalking souls - accustomed and oblivious to the world, wonder lost and senses dulled, routine and dreary - wake up! The dream has past and the present is now; carpe diem - wait not for a better tomorrow, make it better.
...panting, staring bleakly ahead at the dust trail, and gave up at 10:44 p.m.
Chasing time on Sunday, February 13, 2005...
Spent saturday shooting, yet again, sent quarter of a thousand lead heads of circumference 7.62mm flying towards targets and oblivion (perhaps better than towards flesh), fired off the tubular rocket launched flares that singed off all my hair near the left hand and wrist region; dismantled target boards, cleaned arms till an unholy 4am where most of us were sleep-cleaning, washed up till about 5am, plonked down on bed for a good 2 hours rest, before waking up for breakfast; then went back for another hour's rest before heading for Exercise Babina (India) Safety Seminar, where I reminisced about JC days by falling asleep in lectures, and trying not to get caught whenever some bigshot turns around and stares in an attempt to pick some people to slaughter as an example.
Was supposed to be new year celebrations, but due to leftover work from yesterday, we all had to do cleaning and fatigue work, carrying things here and there (the target system weight 118kg O_O), going back to the shooting range to pick up boxes, and when everything ended it was dinnertime plus inspection for the upcoming standby duties.
Spent the next morning taking over the duties from the other company; ending up booking at only 3.30 O_O further delayed to 4.30 when someone lost his football ticket worth $600, suspected to be stolen, resulting in a platoonwide inspection, leading to someone being charged for bringing a camera phone to camp, 2 person being punished for buying drinks while waiting for turn to be inspected O_O heavy collateral! took off shoes, took out soles, upturned bags, checked pockets ... and nothing found.
Went home after that, bathed, and poofed off to reunion dinner; little cousins pestered me nonstop for game fixes and stuff, which i've learnt to refuse mwahaha unless 1) they pay me 2) improve in their work. Went out at 11, making full use of NEL services again, caught the fireworks and crackers and all BUT MY CAMERA JUST DIED! (ok rather, the camera killed my memory card... corrupted it larhx. the new memory card keeps giving problems with corrupted FAT and worse; this time the table was completely corrupted so completely unrecoverable). everyone den rushed to get back to the NEL once it all ended, but three of us decide to have a little break at a nearby CoffeeBean (the ice blends got bigbig pieces of ice in it! bleah. it got stuck in the straw ={), went online and wished people happy new year haha. oh yes, hAPpy new YEAR! :D well, then went back at a early boring 1am, reached back at around 1.30, chris missed his bus so stayed over at my house then. turned out my parents went out to chinatown as well! so we waited a bit lolx outside the house... eeps. it din really turn out to be as exciting nor fun as i would have wanted it to be; crowd squeezing is so passe :p hAix :S hmm anw chris ended with the computer, so i plonked onto the floor and slept first.
Relatives started popping by in the next day! -points at photos!- Entertained the little ones by playing Black Magic and card tricks (ok ok card trick, without the S :p)... dropped over at mom's parents house after, -points again!- haha cousins all so coot.
Went pai-nianing with some my pri. school friends, dropped by in 3 different classmates house, haha so cool right! (aside from the 3 angpaos! :p) Lao-ed yusheng at the 1st house too ^^ took many many photos, but the files all corrupted on my memory card when i tried to back them up at the 2nd friend's house! GROWL. at least there's a backup. but it's not with me. boo. was amazed by my 3rd friends mom... she could practically recall everyone from our class! and even know where they are now... wow. it's like she's our classmate worhx. i dun even know some of them liao haha and she could like point out whos doing wat and have a discussion of the different people in different places O_o eeps. she EVEN knew who was my pri school crush, keep on pointing her out somemore on the photos of the trips they went on. wah liewwzZ lolx, tt's good memory man wahaha. came out much more informed than ever on the happenings of the class :) yays 6a97 rocks :D
spent the whole day of friday programming lolx.
Chinese lyrics grabber! http://inopinionated.net/iynuj/php/hanyu2chi.php
Type in the hanyupinyin to get a list of matches; or the chinese word directly in to get a list of matched singers. selecting them will then give u the lyrics of tt song! haha. plus it has the option to render the text as graphics, so i can now get any song lyric at a price of about $0.15 per gprs connection :p for english songs, add an & in front of the title.
Supposed to watch Constantine yesterday, but wanted to watch with buddies; ended up that they all watched BUT MEE! ARGhz; no more constantine for meh :(:( But had a wonderful dinner! -points at pictures again!- of grilled bbqed chicken thigh at PS food court! wow i never knew it was such a popular dish! the queue was like the longest around lorhx. hahaz yeah indeed it's qyte nice so yays :) den continued on for desserts! missed the ntu icekachang with mango topping so much! and it cost only $1.. a pity the stall close liao last time we checked :( anw. this one cost $2.20. but quite nice larh, i couldn't finish it haha. the mango not v nice. tart. and tough. fibre-ly. nvr liked atapchee. shd have shared it with kaihong or kenneth larh. greedy meh :p after that we went to kaihongs house to try fix his comp! haha he's still refusing to budge from his 56k dialup and 500mhz win98 computer, so it crahsed v often, got modemjacked, lots of spyware and viruses... tried to install firefox on his comp, but they just display ??? instead of text... but still can use larh. his chocolates are nice. merci and ferraro :D and the cola sweets too! sho sweeetish and sour. wahaha. den we took some photos again! -points at photos again! hahaha- walked kenneth to the bus stop where we always took 74 to school (amazing, amazing; the opposite bus directions and mirror shifts always reminds me of opposing fates converging :) but moving off again; fatalism marhx hoho) but yes it's like so ... reminiscent of all the 6 years of 74 bus-sing here and there :( i miss sch. miss bukit timah. haha. the super rollercoasty 74 bus trip as it approaches the school. esp during road reconstruction. oversleeping and ending up at kap. at chs. walking back to hjc. soothing and lullabyish engine noise. wahh. i miss it all.
haha. i missed blogging lyk this as well :D <? remove_inhibition(); setEnv('language')=!STRICT; ?> haha.
erh. anw. tt was yesterday! today's sunday... woke up at 9.30... poofed over to give cousin tuition till 12... then... slow countdown to book in again :S but it was a busy week still haha... much programming, rearranging, tidying... everything :) and all was good. until now. or rather, 5 hours later. ok la, downhill slide, eh :)
wahaha. eh it's valentines day tmr! haha or friendship day! :) or a/m revealing for the juniors haa. -muacks all- haha happy season of the buying power of wuvvin'! :D ack. ok larhx. i got about 2 hours left liao :( shall try to see what is left to do. tata!
...panting, staring bleakly ahead at the dust trail, and gave up at 04:22 p.m.
Chasing time on Saturday, February 5, 2005...
Don't treat life too seriously - No one gets out of it alive.
i took my dad on a nofrills after-lunch trip, with no baggages nor worries, on a trip through my thoughts about the society and the world, and its comforting to find consensus; perhaps too, just someone to talk to and realise its not just you.
Did you know hongwei cut himself btw his thumb and fore, by falling on his SAW, the doctors thought it looked sore, hospitalised him to make sure he's cared for, and concluded he needs 10 days of home rest more?
a little ditty for a platoon mate, and it rhymes! -beams- :D to think i missed a train while composing this, running e risk of lateness! :(
i feel old while proudly showing off my grandjuniors blogs... The combined feeling of a glowing sense of pride, a touch of happiness bygone, and a sense of wistfulness eternal - i wonder is that how grandparents feel, as they happily thumb through endless photographs of immortalised youth, chatting incessantly about the dewy-eyed little ones; that behind it all is a sense of longing for the bygone past, a want to relive their golden days through the eyes of their grandsons?
I feel just like a granddad now, watching the little kids play, smiling contentedly outwards but a incessant cry of unheard longing inside.
The discrete age system of our 1st 21 years of life (pri, sec, jc, ns), where each year is totally different, exemplifies the generation gap effect, albeit over a short age range :P
miss the magic; the underlying subconscious music that permeates deep within and binds, soothes and comforts us, a song of legends and retold histories; as well as the disquieting bass beat that signals the slow but eventual forced march towards the As - yet it is this very stress that anneals the bond, trial by storm and fire. A common goal, with people forging on together in unity, with a group of others who have reached the finishing line and are wildly cheering you on, with yet another bunch who've just started and is running along the path you and all others ahead have made, and aid, you will.
Took my Ippt test; everything went very smoothly, but perhaps i still have not fully grasped my new found ability haha; it was so reminiscent of last year... when i shocked myself by easily getting a 9s for shuttle run, whereas last year i was still struggling to get a silver timing. For 2.4km, last year i din run a gold even though i could, cos i deemed it impossible; this year i never believed i could break 9mins, yet i realised i could, luckily, in mid run, and forged on ahead to make it in 8.35mins.
Lesson learnt: Know your limits, but learn your new limits fast.
But why? Ironic fate's will is, for my friend who loves running so much more, should not be blessed with a natural endowment of stamina; yet me, who exploits his ability to chase time and buses, for personal privileges, to train mental strength, and all benefits... but seldom thought of running as an interest or trained for it, should receive such a disproportionate gift of speed and stamina.
Not that i'm not grateful, it's an enabling ability in the army :) but.. what's the price?
Slacked the rest of the week since the commanders were either in training or at parade.
Another primary school gathering, frequency increased after the successful one held a month ago at new year's eve. Felt in the mood to meet up with the rest despite the lack of time; as of now i'm already in camp; a 'sociable' mood, perhaps :p
...panting, staring bleakly ahead at the dust trail, and gave up at 09:55 p.m.
Chasing time on Sunday, January 30, 2005...
I begin to notice, realise, and pay greater attention to the smaller parts played, hidden behind the outermost display; how the sum of all parts is greater than their individuals; of the largest orchestra or ensembles, of pieces of classics or your everyday pop, that behind every main melody lies the supporting beats and instruments, complementary melodies, with their stirring introductions and wistful endings, that no part is complete without each.
Of pictures and photos, how sometimes the subject of the picture loses its meaning, without the background to lend its story and natural beauty.
Hidden gems, all of them, waiting to be discovered and given their due - fret not, if you're one; for we all have roles to play: "And the stone that sits on the very top / Of the mountain's mighty face / Does it think it is more important / Than the stones that form the base?"
ok, so it's just so self consolatary haha but yeah, it was pretty much inspired by the 100 or so songs on my phone. Limited the repertoire was, it allowed me to listen deeper, disassembling the bits and pieces that make up the songs :)
hmm been v v caught up with stuff so haven been blogging much... Esp since i got guard duty today on sunday, but so far its been like a k song session for me haha, got my phone to play music all the way and sang along for e 2 whole hours, in e mean time too polishing up my 2 and 3 power tables.
S60 rawks :D had a great time with e rest of the class at Bandage haha, its some sort of rock concert and a fund raiser.. Towards the end we managed to start making it seem more like a rock concert it was by standing screaming shaking haha.. Can't imagine tt in e auditorium eh? :D
birthday gifts knit both ways; weaving closer ties within the class, forging the spirit, and probably ensures more elaborate embroideries the next time: a feedback cycle :) the mood's so contagious, did you catch it?
Feels great to be basking in the leftover happy auras generated; it links past and present, annealling memories and experiences, bringing it to a new high level. -high-
It doesn't matter you cannot be there forever anymore - as long as you're there then, right? Live for the moment, they say; Yet, one should never lose sight of one's path, nor forget the dusty trail trodden to be where one is.
I'm feeling freaking lucky. Is there a price? Does conservation hold? :(
heliops was vv troublesome had to do so many rehearsals, but for the minute or so on e helicopter it almost seemed worth it haha; great view, great flying and you know they dun close e doors! :D remember seeing buildings and trees stretching across the horizon before being swallowed by the sea as it banked, giving us a view of the sky as well :) and i was like, wow, that looks like sengkang! (in retrospect probably all estates look e same from 400 or so feet in the air :p)
crazy area cleaning last week; they insisted that since cny is coming we have to spring clean, despite the glaring fact that seasons don't exist in summer s'pore. And for 2 days (ok at least we rested after dinner) its sweep mop wipe inspect (we fail invariably; dust finds its way into all sorts of places); wash, rinse, repeat :p but yeah its over, bla heard outfield this week so no yays :( wonder if i can ask for a free off tmr, since i'm again nominated for e battalion best of month haha :) - unlikely to get it since got it once liao, but guess shall make use of this opportunity to get to know the new CO :)
duty starts in hour's time, shall catch some sleep and juice up my phone for e next song session :)
...panting, staring bleakly ahead at the dust trail, and gave up at 10:55 p.m.
Chasing time on Sunday, January 23, 2005...
The layout's how apt, man... Had to rush till a whisker of time is left before barely completing it, and after that had to chase for 3 bus stops cos the bus refused to stop at e 2nd stop, and thats e last bus i must grab if am to reach camp by the normal means. Abnormal means includes grabbing a taxi, as well as intercepting my friend's vehicle on its way to camp.
speaking of taxis, lazy me decided for the first time, in the absence of a need to rush as well as presence of bus services, to take a cab home! And thats just after blowing 38 bucks on the macdonalds new yr zodiac plushie set :p Sigh how to save enough money to buy a mp3 player haha... Hmm analysing that transpired between my two brain hemispheres that led to the wasteful decision, i guess it was probably the time vs money issue. Though apparently the vetoing factor was due to a inherent flaw: the lazy bug... :P
oh and yays layout is up :D given up on whatever colour scheme and just put it against a white backdrop. Urgh. Shall have to wait till next week to complete it liao sigh! :(
on way back to camp now; not an exactly productive week since spent too much time slacking... hope next week will be better :p
oh and for the blog record, did guard duty on hari raya eve, nice sky, great weather, good patrolling buddies, inspiring and expressively productive night (prev entry).
...panting, staring bleakly ahead at the dust trail, and gave up at 09:04 p.m.
Chasing time on Thursday, January 20, 2005...
A diary, pages flipping in the gentle breeze. Days, weeks and months sped by in a blur; memories, emotions and thoughts forms and fades silently, like a ghost of an ancient tape projecting its ephemeral contents.
Words, by nature, has a meaning, a link to the interpretation of the universe by a sentient lifeforce, a defined entity that goes two ways: it defines its creator as well. It is more than a collection of letters, building blocks of alphabet bricks will raise towers and span rivers. Civilisations rose and fell with it. The power of words.
A diary, a collection of words; just as a city has its defining buildings, a diary is a metropolis spanning time and space. It is the receiving end of hundreds of words, linked together by emotions and thoughts: a silent one-way monologue to a nonliving confidante. Yet it is not complete without a sentient end, as much as we might deceive ourselves and the words; they're our beacons, lighthouses, of our darkest nights, sending out our cries of anguish and joy into the silent dimension of the diaries... emotions awash on the untread shores, fears and wishes pound back heavily on the scarred endless shores. It seeks... deliverance to the right end, that in this lonely cruel infinity, it might resonate with other minds and bring assurance, hopes, and joy to the author - he is no longer alone, unknown, ununderstood. The words hurled into the abyss have ended their duty; they ARE complete. And in so helping the author a step closer to his completion.
We've created gods, immortals, spirits; they watch over us as we imagined they will.
We created words as an attempt to link two separate minds - their bodies are near but their thoughts separated by unbreachable gulfs.
They are our cry to be understood.
They... define us.
And they will help.
i was really glad when someone chose part of my blog to express their thoughts... Or when someone reads it and says hey i feel the same. Its not a feeling of pride that you write well. It's the feeling of joy, relief and immediate kinship in the matter. Pain shared is halved, joy shared is doubled; don't hold it back, let it.. set you free.
The joy of creation; giving birth to living emotions that shouts emphatically into your face; to heartfelt thoughts that brushes against your ear silently and whispers softly into your soul. The piecing of words, the crafting of the thought felt yet not told. Words my bricks, emotions my cement and the soul my palette. Pour it all in, mix them together, and wonder at the job done. How it attempts to speak my thoughts, whom are desperately trying to burst forth from within- but looks longingly at the physically poorer manifestation of words and accepts this substitute. It hopes that you might pass by the construct someday, close your eyes and gently listen to the faint echoes as it tries to let you feel... listen to my inner unspoken thoughts, if they resonates from within you.
Do they?
...panting, staring bleakly ahead at the dust trail, and gave up at 11:22 p.m.
Chasing time on Sunday, January 16, 2005...
It seems the juniors have given a silent unanimous vote for their class mascot to be the McDonald's 25 cents cone icecream. And numbers have an uncanny way of mimicking their real life counterparts. One short of 26; on hearing the news, it felt like a class tragedy O_o
Impressive birthday celebration this year, I guess. Birthday cake for the first time looked unique-ly S60, food for once was muchly worryfree. Van'03 lent out her house for the occasion, though luckily worries about lack of space were unfounded. Songs, songs, and songs, interestingly the CHS guys are probably the most enthusiastic in the school songs, resurrecting an almost-dead song session by a timely rendition of "dang ni gu dan ni hui xiang qi shui". The class video (ie my birthday clip) was also played back, including me and my various horrifyingly embarrassing stunts O_o though I guess the point was made about the wonders of cameras in the 2 years. Then played the games of polar bear, black magic, what time is it, who died, whats next, open close and so on; glad we managed to pull it off, just like 3 years back then.
Started work on merging my photo collection with my 04 blog to produce probably a 04 memory file :) Took me hours and hours and I've only finished 2 months O_o Noticed MSN history is useful for opinions, feelings, summation of what happens on what days. This gonna take a lot more of my days; so much things to do!
...panting, staring bleakly ahead at the dust trail, and gave up at 05:56 p.m.
Chasing time on Thursday, January 13, 2005...
Exactly a year ago it was the day before enlistment, of last minute packing, great hopes and fears, inevitable mourning as we're torn from our comforts, last minute smses and mails flying; probably akin to what you'd witness at the end of the world, albeit in a slower pace. Turned out that BMT was pretty much of a chalet, also probably because everyone's going through same or worse; 2 months came and went rather happily, or perhaps happy will not be the appropriate word to sufficiently describe: it's more of a general uplifting optimism of a happy fulfilling army life, bundled with the fact that things everywhere - army, family, friends - just turned out well (well, mostly), coupled with an enchanting slacker's dream of the possibility of an IT deskjob. Inexplicably I've ended up where I'm at now, the remote camp of Sungei Gedong, posted to be a driver. A bout of full body rashes just before the posting threw me straight out of the driver's course and into one as an infantry instead; in retrospect, perhaps I was lucky, being a armoured vehicle driver just... sucks. Indeed, the past year could have been described as a cushioned descent from good to bad: from the great life in BMT, a 2-3 weeks of MCs to allow me time to get over the abject disappointment of such a undesirable future, as well as finally realise and appreciate the utmost importance of family, for whom I'm eternally grateful for the care during the disfiguring skin rash period as well as the support and advice for the new posting. The fall continues, but was lucky to have my armour trade course held in the more soldier-friendly 'C' company, and at that point the prospects of being just a spare trooper at Headquarters didn't seem too bad, until they told us we will be sent to A company instead as they've too few people. Again, bitter disillusionment from all the would have been spare troopers. Outfield then begun full swing, with months after months of tiring charges, degratory tongue lashings, endless fatigue; not that it's physically exhausting, but more of mental, sense of being illused, doing worthless duties and a general sense of meaninglessness in our activities. Australia training then came and went as the conclusion to the first year's training.
Much was learnt, though; and perhaps yeah, the good thing about army is that once out in the weekends, you're back to your old life, a totally separate life where you can still joke and laugh while dreading only the imminent reentry. I've learnt the importance and value of time, took the opportunity to refine my thoughts and beliefs through exchanges with a rare few others who could see further and taught much but learnt more. Confidence grew as awards and affirmations piled, also helping me get certain privileges for a decent camp life: battalion best, ippt gold, best company obstacle course timing, marksmanship, best company shot. I also begun to believe and improve on my mental strength, for which long distance running turned out to be a suitable candidate to practice on, and discovered greater sources of stamina and energy that I never knew existed, and consequently selected for battalion cross country, division level, then finally at SAF level, with the bonus of a period of 2 weeks where i stayed out of camp to train. Happily, the team i was in subsequently came off 2nd, my position a far behind 60th (my class!), though i too realise that there's only one best and it's sufficient to perform to one's limit, though always keeping in mind that there's always room for improvement, as well as appreciate that i'm still far lacking in many factors. Know people of many kinds here, across a immensely wide spectrum, as opposed to the people in our schooling environment. Tried to make an attempt to take advantage of this 2 yrs to upgrade myself as well, drawing from first year experiences as well as trying out new ideas.
Still problems still merit further improvement: not strongwilled at times when need be, poor temper control with closer friends, language esp MT, slouch, etc.
Today is 130105. ORD in exactly 1 year 2 months. 365 + 59 = 424. Freedom, tantalizing yet... uncertain, worrisome. Hmm.
...panting, staring bleakly ahead at the dust trail, and gave up at 08:07 a.m.
Chasing time on Sunday, January 9, 2005...
A new year dawns but I guess there ain't much difference anw, just a mere demarcation between a bunch of days, and yet another bunch of days. Now @ e parade as e Dog Watch, whose sole purpose of existence is to prevent and deny access to all non-simian beings (trust me, there are more than just humans ard here.. various species of less upwardly evolved monkeys such as homo sargeanien have also made their way into the army) with particular attention, to yes, dogs. They've caused much trouble in the previous parades, drawing laughter from the guests by fighting while we're trying our darndest look smart, and howling their heads off probably for the fun of it.
All in all I should guess that this year's orientation masquerade have been actually much more of a success for me, having achieved most of what we've set out to achieve. I took on the role of the retainee for it'd give me opportunities to guide the juniors without giving away the game, as well as a reason to skip some of the events, not to mention to take all the photos and videos during the 2 days we're there. Didn't have much opportunities to interact with everyone but I know I've tried my best this year as compared to last year, where we talked to the crashees most of the time, and with subtletly attempt to slip more knowledge about HC and the traditions (our past faculty mascot, colors, class benches, dinners, angel/mortal etc). Held on to established roles like typing out the class list as well as help coordinating some of the class spirit activities. Could have done more, indeed, but ability is not there yet :p The juniors were really all great guys and gals haha, hope the class will all bond together well for the remaining years in HC.
As much as we maintain it's us doing them the favour :p, I guess it's just us ineffectually trying to grasp on to remnants of the wonderful past, attempting to make sense of why, how and what the strong feeling a-welling within was, and relive our faded orientation through theirs. To help preserve their memories as much as it does for us. Kids who've outgrown their playground but still stay behind, swinging on the illfitting swing, sliding through tight slides and seesawing on the creaking seesaw... and attempting to have another slice of the fun pie again; yet feeling like a misplaced jigsaw piece at the same time.
I don't wanna grow up O_o
But you have to.
And so we move on, the adult self tearing the bawling child away from his beloved sandcastles and dreams of eternal joy.
-pokes head out of window to find Peter Pan-
Hah. Inner child has been satisfied for the moment, perhaps, singingscreaming his voice off during the mass song sessions, dancing through the eternal surreal stream of memories suffused in the atmosphere of beat-laden music, and loud heartfelt cheering for the HC ideal, the vision of the forgotten but oh-so-beautiful school, the school spirit... alongside with the gentle crackling of flames, as the various burning faculty avatars sway gently in the night zephyr, mirroring the burning away of sorrows and tears of the past year; through fire and water, winds and waves people are bonded~ they reaffirm their beliefs, visions, and hopes all together
Yay. Dances are fun :D But I forgot some of the steps liao hmph.
Right, I'm off to camp liao ^_^ Happy new year all, may you all have a fulfilling year. To grand juniors, studies always! To juniors, have fun, but go get a job soon! :p To our classmates, whereever you all are, be blessed and stay safe. For those who don't fall into any of the above, take care too and live life to the fullest.
...panting, staring bleakly ahead at the dust trail, and gave up at 07:39 p.m.
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