Chasing time on Wednesday, September 20, 2006...
Buoyed up by the size of dreams, by eloquential discourse on the description of these said balloons. Are they pink and pretty? Ribbons attached, floating, fluttering in the wind? I embellish the details, dot the eyes and dose them with psychedelic colors, in the process making the flights of creatures named fancy look tame.
And then I growl in disbelief as they fall short, as the air cools, as the sharp beaks of birds making their passage, as these dream simply pop and fizzle, a mere dream piped and heated.
Inadequacy just strikes hard. The mounting cumulation of work, quiz fears, everything else. The foundation has been exposed and was found to be propped up by a bunch of pink floral balloons. I watch back helplessly as precious time was laid to rest wastefully in the past, undoable what has been done, but it comes back now only to haunt and haunt harder.
I know anything is achievable if I want it badly, but that takes time. Time mercilessly pounds away on the track, and leaves me with every step crashing through the poorly floored ground, occasionally popping a balloon or two. I can't catch up. See what my previous post means? I shall try to rephrase. It appears that the person crashing through the floorboards spectacularly is currently behind the personification of Time, but this does not attempt to quantify his position with respect to changes in time. Sigh.
In short, I'm horribly worried about my grades >< I'm beginning to think it's a good idea not to fly, that this masquerade of ability is falling apart. but i want it to hold up :( How do I possibly make up for the 4 years of wasted time? The time wasn't even invested, it was thrown into the air and fed to the passing clouds. When hard work is not sufficient to make up for the accumulated deficits, then what?
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Ok nvm, I was just exercising poetic license for the past few paragraphs lol. The fear remains irrevocably true and grounded, but .. I am only a spectator on the seat of consciousness. Rollercoaster track is dull and depressing here, but don't worry, it's fixed, it'll change, and it'll end anyway. Just intrigued that it affected me so much over the weekends that I couldn't get any work done haha.
let's try another manifestation of the mind, exposited on sunday. i like the complex pain part (:
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pain pain pain pain pain pain!
complex pain unfound pain
pain off normal, tangential!
uncut wounds, missing blood
defines humanity,
these drops of unseen ink
bloods tears and fears - go plink :(
...panting, staring bleakly ahead at the dust trail, and gave up at 05:17 pm
Chasing time on Monday, September 18, 2006...
much tired ramblings; uninspired and banal they are but they're mine so shoo if you don't like em :p
i'm about to slip behind the tutorials; someone kill me bleh. spent so much darned time on the essay that i ended up doing little else, grr! this is so stressifying, i think too used to the previously "slow and easy, take ur time to settle things, 7 hrs of sleep a day" life blurgh, ideal to non-ideal, how? im a drattifyingly lazy pig. oh yeah. cupid is a cruelpig. (|:
hall gets interesting; more on them as they come along.
partially fixed my camera, by stuffing in a piece of paper. still gianing for the s3 is, but $ is tight ><
a stress-depress-resolution cycle just completed, probably assisted by the critical thinking module heh; the futility of thought! every "i am" serves to undermine ur confidence, or overassert ur ability. every "i am" an epitome of selfcentreness, a basis for comparison, of pain and fear, or causing it. i shall have to pick up meditation from where i left off; minds too noisy.
occasional pain highlights ur humanity; ur construction in a way that the illogical is logical. but it's highly refreshing, definitely inspiring, fulfilling the occasional desire for light pain to highlight the human me, but majorly incapacitating when u are trying to get work done. stabbing, imaginery, unbleeding, unseen, pain in the complex plane. how do you stop the pain that is woundless, that has no blood no gaping holes and with only endless tears, liquid and invisible cuts them are; long forgotten shards of past sought out, tearing me along. this complex plane, tangential to living, so illogical yet so perfectly logical.
blurgh i shall go find my articles now. tata.
...panting, staring bleakly ahead at the dust trail, and gave up at 01:30 am
Chasing time on Saturday, September 2, 2006...
I've finally managed to post up the updates for June and July 2006; these are mostly diary-styled entries so nothing much interesting, though july was surprising happening haha.
The writing module is so far still ok, and i've have learnt much more about essay writing than what two years in gp had done for me :p it does take up quite a large amount of the time, which could have been otherwise spent on tutorials and further reading (even been skipping lectures to meet essay deadlines lol); need to really table out my time effectively to make the best of things. different kinda stress perhaps too, more of you urself wanting to make the best of time, rather than what the module wants you to.
still not sure what ccas to join, with the narrow range of interest i have :p though there's this cip on sign language and communicating with the deaf, have kinda wanted to learn tt so might be signing up heh :)
hall life mainly consisting of studying and sleeping; will see if there's any activities to pick up along the way :)
experience leecher i am. class blogs, personal blogs, what nots; they let me live in their shoes, to see through their eyes, to relive past memories, or to live some of my dreams. to submerge yourself within the world of the others, to know things that you'll never know, to experience things you can never imagine. these pangs of unfounded dreams or bygone memories strike hard as hunger, to be assuaged by such voyeuristic peepholes. sometimes, so raw and visceral, it hurts.
and sometimes, somehow, "i" see life as a major voyeuristic experience through "junyi"'s eyes.
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a certain loneliness gnaws away at the corner of us all; social experience initially quenches it but the solitude of being so strikes back only harder after that. it's partly the widely divergent paths we all lead (follow), the nature of our lives; we try to reach out to others, to visualise ourselves as part of this social community, to convince that hey we're not alone; yet as each and each alone, living is quintessentially a rollercoaster ride for one.
maybe two. (and thats why it's special, aint it not)
...panting, staring bleakly ahead at the dust trail, and gave up at 05:03 pm
Chasing time on Friday, August 18, 2006...
Managed to miss all the camps and the hall orientation activities due to various clashes and errors made; went for the orientation week, but more clashes abound as they assume you'll only be heading off for one: i had to contend with two conflicting schedules from the usp and the comp side, but still managed to get the most out of the two, i hope :) probably this tenuous act of balance as well as a gurung wayang act impressed the seniors leading the group, and i got the best freshie award for the group heh :p most people though skipped the activities, and so didn't even really get to know the group much.
i don't know, there's something about making people donate during the flag day that kept me muchly intrigued; i find it almost sort of enjoyable, the process of begging and cajoling the others to make the donation.. no idea why haha. and being the fair person i am, i spent the morning collecting for the usc, and the afternoon for comp club :) and i get two shirts!
rag day; it's just the committment and the sheer amount of effort that the people put into it that amazes me utterly. to forego holidays, outings, endless nights of toil and hard work; while your friends are happily relaxing, doing nothing productive and generally lazing. i know i wouldn't be able to stand it, to make such a sacrifice for no apparent gain. a very much intangible gain that they strive for, perhaps much like why people conquer mountains and seek the poles? and yes, it's pretty cool haha.. chingay really seems nothing in comparison :)
back in the preuni school days, i've always found the idea of staying back in school very.. appealing. maybe it's just the insane travelling i have to contend with everyday, but i do remember hatching plots to sleep over somewhere in school, identifying potential nooks and crannies for sleeping. the night before rag, i returned late at night after amy's birthday party to sleep over in school cos there's just no point in going home, and .. kind of fulfilled this dream ba :) muchly happy to be staying in hall as well :) you know, maybe it's just that i know such occasions will never be possible again next time? the sheltered environment of school, no kids to worry about, with just a goal towards the degree in mind.. sigh.
...panting, staring bleakly ahead at the dust trail, and gave up at 11:59 p.m.
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