Took to the pen on Saturday, August 28, 2004...
Bleh i keep forgetting to change the colour scheme la... Ah well i suppose next time then, always had a bad memory -_-
live firing tmr again then proficiency test hai its like gonna be so many outfields for all the way until back from australia exercise wallaby... But somehow getting used to it la, i hope things learnt the hard way here will help me out in future. Compared to many others i guess i'm already lucky enough, rare are the ppl of my kind, even rarer the concentration in my platoon :p 3 more studying computing, 1 comp engineering, plus one to discuss deeper insights, adding to the fact i've cleared everything for this year, ippt soc atc, makes it a relatively stress free experience heh. Learn i will, adapt i must; and perhaps emerge stronger. Plus my fall from the best place to the worse somehow had been cushioned all the way, paved feathers lining the thorny scrubs and straw mats plying the coal path down the eternal road.. Ah best just enjoy this few days, make full use of every moment ("a minute spent walking is half a minute wasted" - heh, ie run :p), and try not to get assaulted by mosquitoes.. Did i mention my already bad enough face is made so so so much worse by mosquitoes and outfield! Ahhhh! Red angry spots all over growl howhowhow... Haha got some heatiness reducing medicine from parents too hope it heals fast :p
and why the heck is hc maf on a near moonless night! (18/9) -_- ... And agree strongly that hc should maintain its name and logo lor.. The triangle badge ah, really cmi lei haha. 4 arrows all the way! :D
...contemplated yet another facet of life's mosiac at 10:06 p.m.
Took to the pen on Friday, August 27, 2004...
Sometimes i find i'm kind of losing myself with every passing day... Like becoming more and more insubstantial and thought-less, just instinct guided actions.. Losing the sense of awareness i've been building up all there while, its like losing another sensory input... Or is it just a illusion?
been outfield for 3 days thus far, and sometimes wonder how am i gonna pass the next year or so (but no matter how much you endure or not, times still stalks its leisurely pace, its own mind and motives) the platoon sergeant on my apc really does drive the section mad at times, being a pompous egoistic know-it-all-so-should-you, scolding and swearing incessantly through the intercoms, to imagine he'd be on my vehicle for like another year, brr... 563 days seem to grow taller and more difficult to vault across; to hold on to everything i hold dear, sanity included, to defy the systems rigid grip on me.. yet not get targetted for death by it too hmm
...contemplated yet another facet of life's mosiac at 08:07 a.m.
Took to the pen on Sunday, August 22, 2004...
Hai after the ndp hiatus we're now heading the way towards another long outfield bout.. This time might be less tiring for we'd just be moving in and out of the vehicle most of the time, but the 5D4N tour of lim chu kang on top of our armoured steed still does not make it any more palatable than anything else...
perhaps as much as i want out, i worry about each passing day, how i edge down the age path and how more troubles will come tumbling our way. hows my key layout anyway :p less clicking around and looks more traditional now haha.. Got sick of those scrollies i think, now they run after your mouse cursor as you drag it page to page :)
woke up late real late today lol, noon's heat was already beginning to boil my lazy arse, and couldn't really dig up much of yesterday's dream to blog. Though it did seem pretty interesting..
...contemplated yet another facet of life's mosiac at 07:55 p.m.
Took to the pen on Thursday, August 19, 2004...
The higher the hopes and expectations, the deeper and more crushing the fall will be. I do currently stand a chance at marksmanship, but need to dispel all sense of jitteriness if want to score the remaining 33 out of 70 shots. Not hard, it may seen bleh but so much harder when down in the lane staring down at the target seemingly so small and unconfidently whether the bullet will find its mark or veer off... Would need utmost concentration down there, concentration..,
And yay! Got it haha 200 richer now :D was so worried at the last part when i failed to fire 10 rounds due to rounds jammings and using the wrong magazine to load the gun, but heh did well enough still to survive 50% hits :) and yep though i must admit luck played a huge part since my gun din jam as often as others, it still felt good heh that there is only one SAW marksman in the company, and only one other marksmen in the company whee :p
ah well no nights off still even though nothing much on, still fun now that i've got my ngage back ^^ nothing much nowadays so far blog more when more pops up!
...contemplated yet another facet of life's mosiac at 07:47 p.m.
Took to the pen on Sunday, August 15, 2004...
I'm very clumsy in dreams haha. Was aimlessly switching beds between my mom's room and mine, sleeping on each for like 5 minutes before one falling dream fell through the ceiling and struck me.
And bleah, I'm back in army. Well, not really, since there ain't any escalators nor MRTs in camp. Anyway, remember but snatches of images, like me pouring M&Ms from one bag to another, then realising I want it the other way round -_- It probably did make sense then. Then hours of panic followed, when everyone fell in and I was busy wrecking havoc all over the cabinet trying to find my uniform. Think the brain's having fun at my expense man, headdress was too big, but I ran down regardless, only to realise that I've not wore the uniform -_- Feels silly recalling how I tore up and down the building trying to find my clothes, with my hat in hand too big for my head, and panicking allll the way. Up, and down, and up, never stopping, seeking, finding, refusing to calm and sit and comprehend...
...looking for someone, a familiar face or place to weigh anchor, to pour out my troubles perhaps, advice definitely, or just to hold on as the whole wild world whirls away from me. lost (always seem so), untrustful of unknown help (daggers cloaked in the mist of anonymity?), dependant (and how i hate it so). it seems that i never could grow up (cos i dont want to). that decisions can never be weighed nor judged till one or many proffers his penny of advice to the scale, heads or tails. that i'm so vulnerable alone...
managed to calm self down, but it took a lot more longer realise that i've been using the wrong hat haha. though i was certain it was the beret earlier, now its just some big floppy hat. never got to the falling in, anyway, but had this damn amusing sidedream while walking about the beach, or perhaps through a glass window, a group of tourists taking photos of a generated surfing failure LOL, a poor guy flung out of some mechanism with a surfingboard while people snap away happy. is it virtual, or a real projection? don't know is it the distance that lends it obscurity, or just that the details weren't generated yet...
...and oh dear oh dear how many people can't wait to see others fall from grace and their failures, eh. a world where everyone's harsh to failures, a world where comic relief is at the expense of someone else's pain, even to the extent of economic exploitation, bleh i din know i even dream in analogies now...
And a black out followed. LOL. It's only for a few seconds, did not know what happened, but saw everyone running (on the beach) back to the building (hotel? bunk?) so i just blindly followed, shouting, asking what on earth is happening. wandered aimlessly around, until i saw this big NEL MRT time display board (don't ask why haha), saying 101 minutes to next train, then where they usually put the location of the next bound train, they put "Blackout". Ah, so thats why. Wandered a bit more, then met a few friends who finally led me back to my bunk through a much shorter way (through some escalators and a back path). The building's so familiar (NOT MY company building, it's some tall glitzy building like a hotel) like I've been there before but yet so strange too...
grasping on to current states, not wanting to let go. there's more than meets the eye, information may be gleaned from the most unlikely places. there's always other means or routes to solve a problem. UNWILLING to let go of status quo.
Well, I suppose it's a very revelatory dream, allowing me insights to myself and all around. Had another too that made me face my physical weakness, lol, but I suppose that's a story for another day.
AND I'M GAINING WEIGHT!! AHHHH! I'm almost 56kg now, and I usually hate the cookhouse food so much I eat like a quarter of my portions and donate the rest to Singapore's landfills. Wonder why :( Not that I'm exercising much either, must be the month long of KFC indulgence at the national stadium for NDP :p Heh ok shall go back to doing my layout, whee...
...contemplated yet another facet of life's mosiac at 09:45 a.m.
Took to the pen on Wednesday, August 11, 2004...
Long time no blog using ngage :) hai i wonder if it's really worth all this money, one month's pay, esp when 3g is coming to town soon, but ah well, i'm really a quick spender :( must change haha..
...contemplated yet another facet of life's mosiac at 10:51 p.m.
Took to the pen on Wednesday, August 11, 2004...
Yup got another one haha. Bleah, spend so much money man, so wasteful -shakes head- Hmm lets see, 270 on n-gage, 160 on 512mb MMC, that's like ahh one month's pay down the drain -_-
New layout, same old blog. Quite meaningless hor, change the shell, the same stuff remains. Twisted words, shallow meaning haha.
K la, blog more in camp maybe :)
...contemplated yet another facet of life's mosiac at 05:51 p.m.
Took to the pen on Sunday, August 8, 2004...
Hmm yup I know this layout's getting irritating haha but was never good at design lehh ^_^ Never got about changing it too lazy haha but will try to la given the national day holidays and offs whee!
Week was great man, consisting of mainly going to stadium to pull or keep the tarpaulin, and had nights off whenever we had time :) Twas great fun, especially when we had KFC every night, and icecream and drinks are freely available (at a cost, tho). And it's all coming to an end.
4 months of armour training beckon. (And you wonder why I get outright down and moody as my book-in time steals nearer)
Ah well. Went to PS for LJS with the bunch, where we decided to go to my house haha to kill time, wasted a lot of time walking about aimlessly before finally reaching my house. Didn't do much except talk cocking and watching two recent movies I downloaded, Ella Enchanted and The Dreamers. Well, first was well, fairy-taleish la haha disney like, 2nd was out of our time and genre, it's like a tribute to 30s film + restrictive upbringing on children leading to poor emotional and mental development + occasional discussions in shapes and stuff and philosophy haha like what cosmic harmony hmm.
Then went to keep the tarpaulin. Had to wash it a little, so took longer than usual. Then poofed over to Sim Lim, where the mp3 exhibition is rather lacking in vigour of promotion and variety, not to mention rather exorbitant prices -_-
And I haven't slept all these while. Whee :) And YEAH MAN I got a lump big sum of ippt bonus, backpayment, and raise all in one month! :D Time to get ngage and my mp3 playe :)
Oh can anyone help recommend me a player with these features? :) Flash, expandable through MMC, built-in FM tuner, supports WMA or OGG, runs on AA battery. Amazing hor, just these few criterias and I couldn't find one that satisfied them all at the MP3 fair :( Woah if it's open source then would be great man ^_^
...contemplated yet another facet of life's mosiac at 01:17 p.m.
Took to the pen on Monday, August 2, 2004...
I don't know how to start.
Tired, sleepy... To submit or to give in to eternal struggle
From lack of sleep. From the constant nagging in my head to do something productive, to challenge the system ~ but still unmotivated and spends all time fruitlessly. From all the nonsense. From the very thought that probably another 6, maybe 12 months of running here and there in camouflage.
Sad, downcast... A constant war of supression, a skintight barrier with a painted smile
My phone. My mp3 player. Insane upcoming schedule. No way out. 588. Bleak.
Lost, hurt, worried... Menagerie of miscellaneous swirling emotions
No where to start. Knows not end where. Memory but a wistful reminder of the past. Soil beneath well trodden, too well. Change. Uncertainty.
Bird on shackles, wants to fly; unfettered, can he rise?
Can he even ascend, or just nosedive?
There is no bird. Then what am I?
Speechless.
Daintily plucking petals of the rose, insignificantly each, pulled inexorably downwards. No matter of who is to who, or what is to who. No matter of what piece is lost, instead how many is left. The flowers of memory, rather you it be there whole forever to admire, or abused continuously for an impossible bipolar answer to the question of fate?
...contemplated yet another facet of life's mosiac at 04:26 p.m.
ŠEnnui'04, 800x600 unfriendly, 1024 recommended