Let's make this all nice neat point forms.
Shall we not?

I feel as if I've no ability nor the strength to move on anymore.
But I have to. I don't know how. Slowly. Perhaps.
I need a plan. I have had still have a goal.
But that boundaries are getting fuzzy.
The clear obvious path is now overgrown with creeping grass and tripping roots.
I'm lost ~ I don't know where to go.
Someone lend me a machete?
Or a roadguide. It'd be terribly helpful, thanks.

Anyway. I'm glad it's over.
The buffet. The concert. The competition.
Things change. People change.
The jigsaw slot which I've fitted, albeit loosely, has already changed it's shape (enzymic induced fit? -ponders-)
Sense of attachment all but gone. Though it was there once.
I'd just walk silently out.
People change. People forget. People disappear. Leaving behind only fragments of monochromatic memories, static gradually filling the edges, creeping in.
But I can't. I said goodbye.
"Keep in touch", he said.
I almost cried.
I want to disappear.
I don't want to be a burden to others burdensome mental load.
I don't want to be remembered.
Just let me enter the swirly mist of the sea of lost memories.
Yet another flotsam, debris, drifting gently into towards the distant horizon.

The irony that with all the friends around.
I only wanted to talk to one.
And she's not online now -pouts-.
And I never met her before.
Does this certain level of anonymity help us communicate?
For we wouldn't be able to affect each other too much anyway.
At least she'd listen.
But everyone has problems.
Maybe not. I'd see how she is first.
Writing it all out is therapeutic, to a certain extent, I guess.

I don't want people to read it.
But I want people who care bother to read it.
Thank you.
If you're here.
(even if you just happen to stumble onto this page)

Slightly better.
Maybe I should go back to work.
Go write a study plan.
I just wish I've had seniors who bother.
I know my juniors wouldn't have to say the above line next year.
Maybe not.
Generation gap?
I'd try.

In case you didn't notice. I didn't delete my errors and thoughts which I erase.

Google calculator

So COOL! :)

Was talking on the phone today with Chris when someone knocked on the door. Finally! I thought, scrambling to my feet, calmly walked downstairs to the door, without any semblence of excitement betraying my inner burning anticipation. Please, please, please! Let it be the deliveryman!

And yes, it is. Cool urh? They informed us that they'd be shipping our prizes on 21st, and on the bright sunny morning of saturday 23th, it arrived at my doorsteps under the protective arms of some DHL guy. Heh, the "Cool I'm accepting a registered mail!" thought just went through my head as I signed my name with a flourish, and thanked the delivery guy profusely as he handed over the box wrapped all over with red delivery tape.

Tore up the stairs, and with the entire family in the room, and Chris over the line, I opened the box slowly, almost reverently, grinning idiotically as I wielded that screwdriver and stabbed in at the unbudging #%#@# tape that refused to open, and finally got through the first opening stage, under the scrutiny of everyone. Opened the box, and inside was a canvas bag with the words IRiver on both sides, with the prize I've been waiting for in it's mouth.

In fact, it wasn't me who pulled the box out of the bag, but my over enthusiastic sister, and it wasn't me who opened the iFP box and upended all it's contents (carefully, of course), but my father :P

Hurhur. Oh well. Got the entire family ooh-ing and aah-ing over it's weight, it's look, and that fact I got a $399 top-of-the-line mp3 player for free. Gave my sister the old mp3 player, and my father got my sister's mp3 player (to use as a radio :P) Hahaha! Pity mom was away working then... She missed out the entire "ceremony".

Haha nvr mind let's get to the point. It's more or less an improved version of my last player, and also comes with twice the memory, so I managed to cram in nearly 110 songs, more if I really wanted to. Haha it still has a little surreal feeling to it, as I just can't believe I've won it, just like that. When I was about to pull the rabbit out of the bag I still couldn't really believe that it's a living & real rabbit inside.

FastForward!

Ok, so in the end I brought out two MP3 players, borrowed the old one from my sister so I could lend chris, and so we can just concentrate on our work instead of being distracted by external events. Was also supposed to go shopping for gifts, but in the end only got 3 teacher's gifts, and NONE of the two birthday presents which I've been seeking for. Sigh. UNPRODUCTIVE!

But I love studying outside haha. I'm the kind who just can't stand letting a minute idle away without me furtively chase after it, but I don't mind wasting time as long as I'm doing something :p Unable to doodle, unable to draw, unable to do anything with only a pen and paper and tutorials other than work, I'd just do work. Yay. Shall stay away from the computer more often now :)

And anyway I saw this soo interesting couple on the train! They are in their early 20s I think, the girl was dolled up (with make up and stuff) and kinda cute and pretty in a sense. But she was just sitting on the seat smiling serenely at the floor (yes, floor), hands on her laps, while her boyfriend was there practically fawning all over her, with this BIG grin plastered over his face, arms around her, almost possessively, and kept whispering to her. Err whats that term? Er sweet nothings huh. She only turned up after some time to smile and reply, but her reactions were miniscule, a drop in an ocean, compared to what he was doing to her.

It just reminds me of a little boy, possessively clutching on tightly to his favourite toy doll! :)

The ink well exhausted, pen flow stemmed,
sheets, pages of paper devoid of pen scratches,
Waiting to be filled, yet to be let down -
gently onto the floor, drifting, aimless

Sigh. I can no longer write like before. And my GP grade is falling falling falling. I guess the excessive use of the thesaurus last time, however fake, was flavourful and did help me in my SAT and my vocabulary section. Not to mention, paraphrasings.

Vexed, worried, troubled, distressed
Mental soup of illusionary plights
Simmering slowly, under the stress
the heat, I reached out and took a sip

Bland. Bland. Bland! No inspiration, no wants, no needs, no desire to write. I haven't read a book for ages; I don't have the time to sit down and mull over anything, anymore. And what's worse now is that even if I have time, I doubt I can think of any great conundrums affecting me that I can just sit around and ponder over it. The engines of war have been oiled, throwing us little creatures straight into the merciless arms of the war, fought with pen and paper. We don't think, we just charge. Only when everything is over we pick ourselves up, shake off the dust, and look around us, lost ~ 18 years walking this education path without thinking, I'm thrown into disarray when faced with an open field, an infinite horizon of choice. Where's the dirt path? Where's the well tread road that we've been running along ~ where has it gone to? I want to be a trailblazer, but I'm just not suited for it. I'd just wait for some to blast a good path to the destination, then I'd follow.

Help. I don't want to walk so far just to fail now. Fail. URGH.

Oh on a happy side note, haha happy friendship anniversary to jolene! :) and yeah the flash mp3 player I won supports Chinese too! I can still see my lyrics and karaoke along hee! ^_^

What? A week already?

Kinda enjoyed the last chinese orchestra concert I'd be doing for probably a long time; though I din really want to take part initially, still in the end I found the performance pretty great, other than screwing up yuzhongxing...

Hurhur. Ok so the concerts over, but I dun really feel as much as last time after the competition... oh well. but still it's a great concert in my view, enjoyed myself immensely during the performance (the songs were great! -reminisces-)... and sadly it could be a long time until i touch an erhu again... i mean, of course i'd play around, but without competitions and performances to motivate i'd give up pretty soon...

That's from the my spamboard, cos I'm lazy to paraphrase it again.

And coursework is over. Quite mixed feelings, cos well it's quite a fun thing haha. And not to mention that after coursework leaves us all less than 3 weeks to our prelims, 5 weeks to actual papers. I don't really know how to start, if only I could find the enthusiasm I've got last year when pia-ing for CLAO. The insane desire to do well for it hmm made me bring home nearly half dozen chinese papers to complete, before the exams. Woah. I want to do it again.

"well....just have fun mugging. it's...once in a lifetime you know, that you get to mug with such insane intensity :P" Comment from on senior, found from gwaz' blog. Heh true in a sense, revising now almost seems ... fun, if I can start early and have a great plan. But I can't plan. Urgh.

Thursday:
oh man and today i got off at Farrer Park MRT! AND I THOUGHT I WAS AT LITTLE INDIA! hahahha i feell so blardy BLuR! shucks... was looking around for the exit then realise im in the wrong mrt station heh :p
Yeah oh no, I'm so screwed haha. Can't even recognise I'm in the wrong station even though something was obviously amiss then, just that my brain refuses to accept the truth. Indeed, what we really see can be majorly influenced into what we actually perceive, grr let's try this then. Mugging is fun! Mugging is fun!... -chants- -try to convince self- Hahaha :p

SUNDAY MAD HAIR RAISING DAY! :)



Cool eh. That's me and my colourful hair... walking the streets with 2000 others sporting equally colourful and jawdropping designs. Supposed to report there at 7.30, but I woke up at 7.30. Cool! :) Reached there at around 8.30+, got quite confused as to what I should be doing, but eventually got a group of sec1 students, with me as a "Motivator". HAHAHA. Essentially a slacking job, since we do not have to collect money ourselves, but can opt to be enthusiastic and encourage group members by helping them ask around for donations, wave bookmarks in the air trying to sell them, and just essentially keep them safe. Hahaha, as in how when those kids can navigate Orchard better than me :p Anyway the group broke into 2 parts, I followed the 1st part for the 1st half of the day, where we eventually parked ourselves at the linkway to Takashimaya from Wisma (and vice versa), and just sat around asking for donations. Heh, they're pretty enthusiastic, but it was quite boring cos nothing was happening. Time ticked away verrry slowlly.... -_-

Then lunch. Met Mom on the way out, so went with her and her group (of 1) for lunch since all my group members separated and poofed with their friends. Since we all had a $5 BK discount voucher, we walked (and got lost) for quite a long time before finally finding a BK, then just sat there and died. Hahaha got our food, and decided to slack for a longer time, played with the food and stuff. Met the other half of my group (er C37 i think), and left with them after phototaking, slacking, sleeping and stuff, to continue with the donation collection. It's sort of more fun with this group, since morale was high after the first 2 donations of $10 each, and was kept high spirited throughout the next 2 hours by constantly joking, good source of donation from fresh bus arrivals, and talkative group mates. Although the donations declined after some competition, we still had much fun hopping from bus stop to bus stop, from FarEast to PS to Raffles, stopping to collect and talk :) Heh we stopped at 4, then spent 20 minutes clearing the hair of the pins and straightening them again. Tried to meet up with the rest of the group, but after lots of arrangements, found out that they've all gone already to NYC. In the end, only ended at 5, where I then made my farewell donations and left with my friends, heading for home.

Haha, quite fun, glad I made this choice over the SAF tea session. The group was fun (hmm for sec 1 girls they look very much older), got my CIP hours, and free lunch and T-shirt! :p

Urh ok need to go pia computing presentation liao. Sigh.

Addon. Paint on hair sucks when they dry. Hahaha :p

Ok, it's more or less turning into a weekly blog, but well, I suppose I'm too lazy an owner to take care of it properly :) Anyway, might as well let everything gather, allow the brain to do it's natural selection on the information, then let it all out on the keyboard.

Had a bad start this week, felt completely out of place everywhere, not here nor there, unappreciated, unneeded, whatever. Wanted to be depressed (heh! it's kind of fun) but couldn't keep it up for long, life's indeed funny/weird most of the time, if you would just let it be so. Also felt terribly misused, heh, but after all I'm not really one to reject.

Although wasn't really enthusiastic initially about having to perform in the concert, after selling those tickets somehow it was more obligatory to give a better performance; hence took out my erhu and actually went through all the pieces to make sure that at least even if I can't play, I can fake convincingly - not that it matters, for I'm sitting all the way inside, but well... Everyone matters, eh?

Hmm liked the idea of explaining the song before performing, helps the audience to understand the music, I suppose. Though still thing the overall performance isn't really great, just acceptable, cos from where I'm sitting I'm hearing horrible erhu sounds :p

(btw, my light just blinked out. so did my heart for a while. haha, me's a scaredy cat. in case some monster eats me, you'd know what happened :p)

Oh yes, and was hearing some songs from the 2000(1?) Millenium concert, was extremely reminiscent for some reasons, I don't know, for I guess having a thousand performers is an extremely rare situation, hmm? And a nice repertoire of songs. Like "long de chuan qi", hmm I like some parts a lot, and it kinda brings back memories of all the practices more than even during SYFs, weird.

And was flipping through all that was left of my music scores, and it's quite saddening to find so many scores missing, for most scores have themselves a memory tag attached to them, losing them is as good as forgetting about the practices, the laughter, the song, and everything. Hurhur, I'm quite sentimental, for I can't remember things well, and everything counts, every memory it's own unique meaning, every item triggers an associated list of events. I just don't want to let them all go, all disappear. After losing my entire file of scores AND my erhu practice book which has been with me since I picked up the instrument, thanks to some senior, I've just lost interest in keeping everything properly in files... And he doesn't even remember losing them when I reminded him. -sobs-

I don't want to lose them, but take poor care of them. How contradictory.

Sigh. Coursework is pointless. From a infinitely selfish viewpoint, I'd rather questions be solved on per-session basis, saves me trouble, and gives me a greater chance to do better. But what's wrong with wanting so? Some people look at me like I'm a monster when I said so. Yeah, it's a horrible, free-for-all world, where strengths stand out. Mine doesn't here, and it's my only. And now everyone does as well as I do. WTH. And even when I'm supposed to be free and laughing at all stressing out over it, I still have to spend countless nights worrying over codes, developed ICQphobia, and my afternoons gone. Hmph. But I believe my actions speak otherwise anyway, I have to help, and I did, and just ask if you have problems. I learn as well when you do, so it's ok, just don't expect me to write your program. Anyway. I had a lot more sleep, while others were slaving away in front of their code. No, I'm not laughing at you all. I'm just relieved that even though we all may score the same, I do not stand to lose everything. Not much, anyway.

Friday was fun :) Skipped National Day celebrations happily, and left with everyone to KAP. I don't understand, yes we have to study, but aren't we all suppose to fulfill the basic social obligations to others? When I reached there all I see was some exasperated people, and bunch of people reading notes on the table. WTF. Can't we all have some fun sometimes? It's a holiday, it's a group pon event! Ok, at least the same old people came together in the end, and went shopping for Amy's present (the birthday party to be elaborated on later), bought this big yellow three-eyed face cushion, quite huggable :p Then went to Gwaz's house, with meatballs, instant noodles, vegetables and tomatoes to cook our meal, hurhur! :) Ok, so we didn't do much cooking, but it's still like so fun... The atmosphere was one that's relaxed, not one bent on getting As in the prelims, can chat, eat, anything except work-related stuff.

Ok, just visited a friend's blog, for I've not read it for some times. I mean, it's weird how people just come and go in your life, just like that ~ it's been months since we said anything, hmm, it's kinda like at the point when you just want to disappear, but still feel obliged to stay there. I hope I don't lose you all, for those whom I still contact :)

Anyway, Amy's birthday celebrations today, which nicely coincided with National Day. The fireworks were conveniently blocked by the Suntec building, an array of 5 buildings shaped like the palm, and I'm almost certain it's the third finger that's there blocking us from view :p Food was great, and experimented with different toppings for icecream. Got bored and went to play basketball, came back and saw Amy trying to destroy an elephant... read it somewhere in Bookworm that it's some kind of tradition somewhere for children to whack a ceramic model of an animal until it broke, spilling sweets onto the floor.

-Sidestep- People expect others to be nice and all that to themselves, but do their actions deserve it? Or are we just all shortsighted fools who can't see beyond their actions? Am I? :(

Anyway, back to the party, where we had a lot of fun amusing ourselves (and probably any one looking at us) and we came up with games using balloons, and laughed ourselves silly. Quite a sight, 9 18 yr old guys playing with balloons, kicking and passing and heading them around, then laugh themselves silly, essentially making a fool of themselves. COOL! :)

I realise I'm extremely productive when I'm on public transport. For I'm one who is darn hyperactive and can't keep my fingers of stuff unless I sleep, so I'd do all sorts of work on the bus, assuming I'm awake, including homework. But it just doesn't work this way at home, for I've a computer to keep me company. So... either destroy the computer (NO!!!!) or get out of house and let my natural itchy hands pummel the homework bit by bit. For example, on the train today back and forth of ~ 45 minutes, I finished 6 Statistics questions on Estimation :) Yet, I've spent more than 5 hours today in front of the computer, doing nothing.

Have a great plan now, that is to make a handy book of compiled questions for my perusal, systemetic disassembly and solving. That way, I'd be able to happily do my work everywhere I am. I really can't do work at home :) I love to do work at all sorts of places, especially when they do not have computers, anywhere unique :) Grinz. More time for slacking! :)

Ooh. Concert's tomorrow. I have to finish my Sampling tutorial tomorrow then, 5 more examination questions to go, to ease my guilt for indulging in a game of Grand Theft Auto. Btw, that's a darn cool game :) Wish us luck! Hope we don't screw up, especially when I've gotten 11 people to come watch. Yeah, like I said, I even practiced at home :p Which is an amazing feat, considering the fact that I've not touched my erhu at home for nearly a year :p I only practice out of home hahaha :)

I'm still overdosing on smileys :) :) :) Which is scarily apparent now on ICQ and MSN, where they transform all of them to the horrible associated picture.

Oh yes, and Yunching's idea of starting a Home Networking solutions team after we graduate for a while, seems like a great idea after thinking about the implications, cost, methods of application, while in the bathroom. Grinz. We can leverage on our CCNA certification to get clients, bulk orders, and such :p Cool!

Ok. I've spent AN hour typing this. I hope I've finished everything I wanted to write about :) Happy reading!

Add on: I wonder how everyone can have all these best friends and such, back in secondary school I could hardly find anyone to talk about my mind. Perhaps there isn't much then, beside shooting the opposing team, crushing the remaining armies, or just slashing at each other, dodging bullets in style with bullet time, and all that crap. I kind of envy you all. I wish there was just someone who understands me, someone whom I understand, someone to naturally turn to in trouble without worrying that you are imposing on him, and the other way round too. Someone to talk to. To listen to. To cry with. To laugh with. Always.

Oh yay it's a new month! :p Mm yep I know, haven't been updating much cos I'm lazy, hurhur :) Oh yeah, got a few new weird words incorporated into my vocabulary which you might see pop up often :p

Mmm ok, nothing much happened to me, the house's still upright, computer's working fine, and the pile of work lying pitifully on the desk waiting to be done is still growing. Yep, it's allll fine... Sigh, but that red line encircling today's date on the calender is creeping slowly downwards, and soon it'd be prelims and A levels. And the end of year holidays :)

Compulsory CIP is useless, eh? You end up with people on the streets stoning around, half-heartedly holding up cans, not even trying to get the passerbys to toss some conscience money into the tin and get the immunity sticker. But well, I suppose it does reward the more enthusiastic ones and those with the natural salesman pitch. The rest suffer in embarrassment as they try to convince people to buy sweets for the disabled, sell tickets for a funfair for the mentally disabled so as to help them reintegrate into the society buying this will give u a jigsaw puzzle to piece together the dreams and u can go for the carnival cum funfair blahblahblah... well you get the idea :p

Oh hmm. And reminds me of the horribly embarrassing situation I got myself into on the bus. Woke up on the bus after a nap, and had this lump in the throat, so tried to drink some water. It could be that the throat has yet to wake up, or it could be a dormant cough triggered by water, for the entire mouthful wouldn't go down and I choked and coughed most of it out. Yucks. Hurhurhur... luckily there aren't any passengers in front of me, only someone next to me, who acted as if nothing has happened. Wahaha, terribly amusing :p I had to hold back my laughter and act pitiful, coughing and stuff, so I wouldn't be seen as doing it deliberately. Hurhurh, got on the transfer bus and laughed all the way to my destination, the DSTA towers. Urm yeah. Went there from some vocational assignment test, hurhurhur ok forget it, the test sucks. I can't answer half the questions. The other half I'm not sure of them either.

Hmm ok. The concert's coming soon, it'd be over soon! Woohoo! :)