Come what may...

Y Tu Mama Tambien... that was such a bad movie!
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
Wow... I haven't written in a while and I don't even know where to start. Lots has happened, but also nothing has happened. I got grounded for the first time for the stupidest reason. It's too complicated to go into, but it involves lying to cover up for my sister wanting to stay home by herself and rent a movie! Now I'm grounded for my fucking graduation! I've worked so god damn hard and I've never done anything wrong in my life, and this is what I get?! I'm gonna talk to my parents about it next week, but if they don't revoke or move the punishment, I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do. Rebel maybe? Live with my mom? None sound like a good idea, but I can't take it anymore! Last Friday was senior salute, and I didn't cry... except when Diana did which caused me to tear up. I was slightly irked when I saw that Ryan had dressed up in the shirt I bought him! Every assembly when we were together I reminded him to wear it and guess what?... he never did! I can't figure him out, either he had a plot to destroy me then or he has one now (I'm just kidding btw, so don't post any comments defending him). But half seriously, I don't think he should be aloud to wear that shirt... mostly because it looks good. Let's see... in this next month I have: an interview with an environmental activist agency, an eye appointment, and dentist appointment, a physical, and the removal of my wisdom teeth. Now doesn't that sound fun!? I'm trying to think of some good news so this isn't so depressing, but I'm at a loss. School's ending! That's exciting, but I have so much crap to do before that happens. See, there I go again! Hmmm... Ki hong IMed me yesterday, its always fun to not only hear NOOOOOORA in the halls, but to see it online as well. lol Alright, I'm done, but you all need to give me your yearbooks to sign!

Ooooooogllaayy!
Friday, May 30, 2003
Today was a bad bad day. I was on the verge of tears constantly and had to periodically leave my classes to collect myself. I almost killed Lawrence, I got sick from too much food, and my toilet FUCKING overflowed when I got home! Cleaning it up was the sickest thing I've ever had to do. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW So I talked to Ryan today... we met at Montrose Park (very appropriate consdering that was where out first date was.) I said some stuff and he responded with I dont like familiarity, I want to date lots of people, and my favorite... I'm not attracted to you AT ALL!!! Isn't that just great?! I feel so ugly... Ryan's not the most attractive guy in the world, and he has no attraction, so what does that mean for all the moderately good looking guys?! What about the good looking guys!? Taking a step back though, I'm glad I know that acuse it squashes all hope and now I can completely move on. When he has telling me all this I didn't cry at all, my eyes didn't even water. It was great! In some twisted way, meeting with him was the right thing to do and I finally have closure!!! Yay! Seeing him with someone else with still be insanely hard, so hopefully all these "new people" will reject him... I know! I'm awful... but you all know its cause I'm jealous, so I don't think it counts. I really think I'm gonna be ok. It's weird, but having no hope is really really good. Now I don't know how long to wait until we can be friends, but hopefully its soon cause I don't want to lose the opportunity. Plus it sux to make my friends choose between us (esp since Ryan comes attatched to John). Now I must shower again. EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

Whadda ya mean I can't take off my sweater?... It's hot!
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
I think the happiness has finally faded away. I guess it couldn't have lasted forever, right? It was nice though. Depression is not nice though... but its not really depression, cause I still have hope, but it's hope that is slowly but surely being squashed into nothing. I'm doing it all to myself too... I wont follow anybody's advice even thought it's right and it'll probably make me feel better. I've been having trouble sleeping at night, and I think following my own crazy plan is the only way I can get rest. I'm sorry I'm not making any sense. Everything just really sucks right now and I'm setting it up so it will suck even more. But then there's always that tiny hope that it wont, and I guess that's what I'm clinging to, but I'm falling off. I took a 2 hour nap today, so I know that I'm not gonna be albe to sleep. I talked to Amy today for the first time, and we actually had a really great conversation. That would be the highlight of my day cause another one of my conversations was definitely not great. (Not you Emma). I htink I'm gonna go lay/lie on the couch and overanalyze everything that's going on in my life. Maybe if I do that now, I wont have to when I go to bed.

Music of the night?
Monday, May 26, 2003
I can't believe prom is over! It's just so sad. I had a lot of fun, but I don't want it to be over. Pre-prom was a disaster for me. The hair dresser forced me to get a hair cut and then she proceeded to give me a terrible hair-do along with really bad make-up. I had her change my hair 3 times, but ended up going home and re-doing everything. The curls and the lipstick were good, but everything else was awful. I washed out the curls to assess my new hair cut and decided that I look like a cross between Rachel from Friends when she had way too many layers, and a Hanson brother. It makes me really sad cause I wasted a gift certificate on a good haircut 2 days earlier! Lets see... I was very very late to Kimi's house, but thats no big surprise. I couldn't stop laughing cause the grass was wet, uneven, and everyones shoes were sinking in. The pictures were perfect in her backyard, but since all those reasons were grounds not to go somewhere, I found it very ironic. The limos showed up (Thank God) and they were great! The Biltmore was beautiful, but required lots of walking to the point where my feet almost fell off due to lots of pain. I wasn't as embarrassed about the kipah as I thought I would be, I think Matt was though. Pictures took forever cause the group photographer was slightly impaired, and I was on edge cause Emma exclaimed "DONT TURN AROUND!" Dinner and dancing were definitely the highlight (as they should be). The salad was great, the meat was not, and the cheesecake was. I loved being able to talk and dance to and with whoever I wanted to. I'm so glad Zach came, he's so much fun! The party favor idea was cute, but it didn't work since they didnt tell anybody about it till halfway through the dance. Bowling was also lots of fun. I think eveyone should have come since the dance ended at 12 anyway. A bottle of vodka myseriuously appeared in our limo on the way back. Brynn stole it... which still confuses me. Watching May bowl in a prom dress was also quite entertaining! Eric's house was slightly disappointing I thought, maybe cause I was so tired or because I dont like Happy Gilmore... I wanted to stop by Chris' party, but I didn't... I need to stop not going to parties I say I'll go to! Sorry Ajay! Yesterday was also fun... I spent much of it with Diana, Emma, and May. I have to go pack and do homework now... I hate school!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
I hate drama, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I wish everyone would realize that we have like 3 months left! Then we might not ever get to spend quality time all together ever again! I would think people would be able to put their differences aside and try to take advantage of the time we have left. But no... Prom sux too cause no one can agree on anything! W'll have a plan set, then 1 person will say no and it'll all fall apart. After much frustration and cursing in a massive chatroom, I think we finally have it all figured out. No one seemed to care that I've changed the limo location with the company 4 times! And no one realized that Kimi's street is too small for three limos!!! But it stays this way! Once I call the limo guy, that's it! I also hated how some people would just say what we were doing before we even discussed it. Everyone was talking about Eric like he was some object present merely for our entertainment. I hate all this stress, it's causing me to have messed up dreams! I dreamt that prom was in the LCE cafeteria and neither me nor Annelise had dates. We were both being set up by Kimi with two guys named Andrew Lee. They were both really scary! Then I went in and I had rust stains all over my dress! I saw Amy and Ryan go outside, and when I followed them, I saw them making out. Finally Matt showed up, but all he did was breathe in my face. And he had really bad breath! Now doesn't that seem like a compilation of everything that could go wrong Saturday? I'm not stressed out at all! I still have to figure out the curfew situation. I don't know how to go about asking them. Plus! I missed the last performances EVER of Clay and Ruben on American Idol! I've seen practically every episode and I miss the last one cause the damn tape didn't work! I think a good scream is in order!

Whahaaaahpened?
Sunday, May 18, 2003
Today was fun too, and I'm happy again. Actually I might be more happy! I "worked" at the teen center concert in the park with Kimi, Sarah, and Elena. Emma, Russell, and Shaun came later. There was no IN n Out truck there which was really disappointing, but we went to get some anyway. Elena filmed a little boy falling off his skateboard and the ambulance coming, it was awful! I one a shirt and the park which was nice. I'm not sure if I actually won, but it doesn't really matter. Then I got a phone call... from Ryan! He said he wanted to talk and that he had some questins for me. I told him it would probablt be better in person, so he came to the park. We ended up talking for 1 1/2 hours. It was actually really nice. We established that we both wanted to be friends, i got some anger out, we cleared up some misundertandings, I'm actually really glad he called. I can't decide if I'm ready to be friends quite yet, especially cause he's different around other people. I'de love to be friends wiht the Ryan I loved, but not the Ryan he is when we're not alone. Probelm is we're probably never gonna be alone again, so I'll have to think about that one. Then I went to Emma's b-day party which was a lot of fun. Matt called me while I was there and sounded slightly angry when I told him Ryan and I were trying to work things out. Lots of guys called me today!... first Ryan, then John (accusing me of calling him), and Matt. For some reason Ryan told John that I'de be mad at him, so John kept apologizing, but I don't know what for. He keeps telling me that I can call him anytime, but I don't know if that means just to tlak about Ryan or what. He acts like he can't call me or something, which is weird, cause he's my friend, not my help line or something. May and I, mostly May, came up with the idea of mid-night bowling after prom, and then bakc to either Eric's or her house! I think it sounds fun, what do you all think? I have to book it kinda soon, so let me know!

Nicole... happy?
Saturday, May 17, 2003
Let's see... I didn't go to school today because I haven't dont homework all week (I was studying for APs which area finally over btw!!!) Mrs. Chavez actually called me on my cell and asked me to sign myself out! She just said Nicole, personal or illness? Thank you. Monica also ditched school and I talked to her online for like 5 minutes before I realized it wasn't Kimi. lol They have really similar sns! I called Matt around 3, but he was on the other line as always. I think its an evil plot to make me have a really high phone bill. Then Erin called... she got into UCSB which is great! but terrible at the same time. I wish her mom would stop making Erin hate her! I then finally actually talked to Matt, where he continously accused me of being too liberal. I was called a baby killer and he said that I wanted to Iraqis to be tortured... Now that's love! Next I had to drive Dani all the way out to Sherman Oaks, which took me an entire hour combined. When I got back I met Kimi and Russell at Higleys. Emma and John showed up and I got to clear things up with him. Apparently Ryan never said that he didn't care if he ever talked to me again, John just assumed that was how he felt... which isn't mich better but whatever. Ryan actually would like to be friends, he's just waiting for me to be comfortable with that. That makes me a whole lot happier. John and I concluded that he just has to choose his words more carefully with me so that he can avoid competely hurting my feelings again. He really is a nice guy, but I think guy is the key word there (which explains the stupidity). Then I went to Glendale with Kimi and Russell where we got pizza, wandered throgh Tower, and say A Mighty Wind. The movie wasn't that great, but it had its moments. I think the Christopher Guest movies are getting progressively worse. Oh well. I had so much fun though! I love getting to know Russell, and i already love Kimi, and it was so great to just hang out with them. I'm actually happy! :) Tomorrows the Youth Day at the park fro 12-5 so everyone come! There's gonna be music, free stuff, and more importantly and IN n OUt truck!

lunch with larence, saurabh, and michael collins... SCARY!!!
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
Hmmm... let's see... I took 2 AP exams today... did well on one and completely failed the second. I mean completely! There is no way I passed APES. I know I always complain about failing and then I get a B- or something, but now I'm serious. I went through the first time and skipped about 50 problems! I never had any idea what I was talking about. And it made me so tired that I haven't studied for Economics at all. I really hate this idea of cramming all the exams in a 2 week period. I have 3 in a row! That's just not right. So after gov I went to lunch with the people mentioned in my title. Monica was suppossed to come but she canceled at the last second!!! errr Its ok, but it was really weird, especially the MIchael Collins part. He told me that I'de have fun at prom cause everyone hates Matt. What kind of thing is that to say? I don't even know him! Life is so damn ironic btw. You like someone but they have a girlfriend, then they don't and you don't like them anymore, then you do again and they have an even more serious girlfriend. Maybe this just happens to me. Thats ok, I deserve it. Actually, I more than deserve it. ha I should go to sleep so I don't fall asleep tomorrow during the exam (as I did today.. yeah... that was bad). P.S. In regards to the limo, I apologize if its really expensive, but I really cant have anyone cancel cause its already ordered. If one person goes, it makes it so much worse for everyone else. Thanx!

Gov, APES, ahhhhhhh!
Monday, May 12, 2003
Lets count how may AP exams I'm gonna fail on Wednesday... 1...2... yep, that's about right. 8 hours of testing!!!!!!!! Help!!! So I went to Higleys to study today with Diana and Russell. It really helped a lot I think, especially cause we can get a lot in due to Diana's tremebdous talking speed. Ricky, Steve, and Kimi were there too, so Russell soom got distracted. Tomorrow I think I'll go there alone and study for APES. What I've learned all year: pollution is bad and Lawrence is annoying. I don't think that'll get me a 3. I also decided today that it would be a lot easier to get over Ryan if all he ever did was walk away from me. You know how he kinda hunches over, walks on his toes, bounces, and lets his arms hang at his sides? I'm such an awful person! But it's symbolic, you know... walking away (even if he does look ridiculous while doing it!) Oh, I finally talked to Matt today after forever! He still says he'll take me to prom, so thats good. We still need a place for an after party! And I'm afraid to ask about my curfue! Why the hell do I have to be at my dad's that weekend! Ooo, battle of the sexes and Six Feet Under is coming on soon!

Surprise, surprise!
Sunday, May 11, 2003
So I spent Saturday night realizing that I'm not over Ryan... Big fucking surprise right? (considering how much I talk about him)! I'm so pissed, I thought I was done with all this crap. What John said the other night really hurt me, but I don't think it was John, I think it was the fact that what he was saying had come from Ryan. Its not like John made up the fact that Ryan doesn't give a shit if he ever talks to me again. I think he could have been a bit more sensitive in the way he presented all that information, or maybe appeared apologetic when I told him that what he said hurt me... but oh well, we weren't that close anyway. So yeah, I went to Comedy Sportz with everyone, and stupidly started reliving my last Comedy Sportz experience. That was the night I got into UCLA, Ryan didn't congratulate me of course, but I still had a great time that night. That's when all his suggestions were taken so he was in a good mood. He was sick so he had an early curfue, but I took him home like an hour before so we could spend time alone. I was so happy, he was so happy, how does that change so quickly? That was less then a month before he broke up with me! I know I'm being stupid, I'm blocking out all the horrible things and only remembering the good things. I feel like I'm backtracking. And I hate that it hurts so much to read about how he's hanging out with my friends without me. I know that I would be invited, and its probably better that I'm not there cause I'de just start crying, but I get jealous anyway. Maybe its cause I know that he's probably hitting on them... or that he can still be happy without me... I have no idea, but it still hurts! When does it stop hurting? Why isn't he hurting? Why the hell am I whining so much!!!???

Only purgatory!
Friday, May 9, 2003
I took that Dante's Inferno quiz (link available on Annelise's blog) and I didn't even make it to a level. I was in purgatory for a while, was cleansed of my sins, and then was welcomed into the gates of heaven. lol figures, huh? Anyway, I was in a really bad mood all day today. I stupidly called John last night thinking he could make me feel better abut the whole Ryan situation, and he ended up making me feel so much worse. He told me that Ryan didn't care either way whether me and him are ever friends again and that he will not make any effort. He said that he saw nothing wrong with Ryan asking all my closest friends to prom. He told me I should just decide to stop caring and it will go away. It's not that easy! He said that there was a hot girl at CV that would want to to the prom with Ryan who he didn't find attractive, but Ryan really did. It was awful! I know he didn't mean to hurt me with any of that, but it really did. He is officially disqualified as the nicest guy I know. So Amy asked Ryan to prom and he said yes. (Weird huh?) So as long as Chris Drugan will let them in his group, which he might not due to Ryan, then everything will work out. At break today Ryan walked in, stood next to me for about 5 minutes, and when I stepped back to let him in the group, he turned his back on me! I'm really being discouraged to make any sort of positive effort. It just kills me though to know that I devoted 8 months of my life of him and he doesn't care if he ever even talks to me again. I know, I shouldn't care either, he's not worth my time... But I still hate it. I really just want to get him alone and scream at him. Yell at him for how he made me feel and all the horrible things he ever did to me. It'll never happen, it would make things worse, but that would still be nice. I would also be nice if he wasn't always there! Even when he's not there I look for him cause I expect him to be. It's sick! Ryan Mynatt does not deserve all this anguish over him! Common, Ryan Mynatt... the guy who showed his penis to Lawrence, and who puts his clothes in the same closet with a litter box, who thinks he's better than everyone even though he's not even close... I should stop. Who am I to say all this? I loved him anyway, but why? I guess cause he didn't used to be like he is now. He changed but I was already hooked. But I'm not in love with him anymore, I don't want him at all, so whats the big deal? Where the hell did this rant come from?! Oh well. hopefully Comedy Sportz will cheer me up, and if not, at least I'm not going to hell!

i can't come up with an interesting title...
Monday, May 5, 2003
Russell gave me permission to write whatever I wanted, so that finally convinced me! I really try to not write anything blatantly mean, just things that are relevent and that I feel are important. I took the AP English exam today and I'm pretty sure I passed. The room was so god damn cold and it took so god damn long! Oh well, only 4 more to go! I feel really awful cause I have to miss my grandma's husband's funeral because of the Stats exam. I don't think I should waste this whole year of that class, but I still feel bad. :( I was thinking about it, and I think that me and Ryan breaking up has brought me closer to a lot of my friends. It seemed like things with me and Erin were strained for a while, but now they're great again. I'm also becoming much closer with Kimi and I love that! Btw Kimi, thanks for being such an awesome friend, especially this week! I'm still having much guy confusion, but I've decided to just take each day as it comes, and just try to have fun before I go off to college. So that means no more talk about converting to Orthodoxy, cause that's just plain scary (in many respects). Oooo, Battle of the Sexes is on! Yay!

???
Sunday, May 4, 2003
Somebody told me that I should stop treating this like a diary that nobody reads... so now I'm confused. Looking back on my entries, everything is pretty personal. I guess I'll stop writing abut all that stuff too... I use this as a way to let everyone know how I'm feeling. It's good to know that people are there for me and to get some feedback sometimes, but I'm sorry if I'm offending you guys. I guess I'll just start telling you what I do everyday, but I don't think I'm gonna update as much, cause I don't see much point in doing that. You all have everyone else's blogs to read to find out what I'm doing. So how's this: I went to Erin's party and heres a list of people who went: me, Erin, Jason, Kimi, Diana, Emma... see I'm bored already! Well, lots of stuff happened to me last night and I kinda freaked out, but I wouldn't want to offend anyone or make them read anything personal, so forget it. If you wanna know, i guess you can call or ask me about it... I'm just feeling so lost right now (oh wait, is that too personal?)

drip....drip....drip....drip....
Saturday, May 3, 2003
There's a leak over my bed! And I live one the second floor! How the hell does that happen? Not only was I getting wet, but I couldn't sleep because of the goddamn noise! I hope someone upstairs didn't overflow their bathtub... cause that's all i can think of and htat's terrible. I guess the dripping stopped when the raining stopped tho, so thats a good sign... Anyway, I went to see X-Men last night. It was really good! So much better thatn the first one for me because I didn't see that one in theaters. Hugh Jackman and whover plays Bobby are really hot too! ;) Than I went to Higleys with Kimi, Emma, Annelise, Shaun,and Russell (same people as the movie). I freaked out cause I couldn't deal with Russell . I'm not even mad at him, but he just brought out all these insecurities I was having about prom. Oh well, thank you Kimi and Emma for comforting me... it helped a lot. :) Now I'm off to go prom dress shopping with my mom, sister, and grandma on my dad's side. This should be interesting...

make it go away!
Thursday, May 1, 2003
I hate this damn jealousy thing. I saw Ryan sitting at lunch today with my sister's friend Tolene, and I got jealous! I try to take comfort in the thought that he's so disgusting that no one will want to go out with him, but I went out with him, so what does that say?! Whatever happened to me wanting to be friends with him? Now, all I am is mean. I've been keeping track, and I'm pretty sure that he's worn the same pair of shorts for at least a week. That's sick right? I don't know... I guess I'd be ok if he went out with someone else, as long as I didn't have to see it. And he definitely cannot be in my group for prom. But then that's probably a lie, I probably wouldn't be ok with it. I'm acting like a guy, he doesn't belong to me! Meh. That's my new favorite word.

If only you could speak without words
Wednesday, April 30, 2003
I always screw things up when I talk. I'm trying to help, but I end up saying something tht just makes everything so much worse. I should have learned my lesson with Ryan. What I said with good intentions didn't matter because he hated me for it anyway. And now i do it again, trying to help one person is just gonna hurt another. I'm gonna be stuck in the middle, not being able to justify myself to anyone. I just want everyone to know that I rarely say anything out of malice. I'm usually trying to help and I'm human so I make mistakes, I just wish I didn't make so many. Hopefully this will all blow over and nobody will know what the hell I'm talking about. Lately however, that is probably usually the case. I just want to let all my friends know that I love you all and I hope our last few months together can be great and emotionally pain-free.

Dani head-butted me and it hurt!
Tuesday, April 29, 2003
Today was fun, mostly due to breakfast. We all went to Rocky Cola and were loud and obnoxious. I got to order my favorite omelet, and despite the fact that the waitress was a complete bitch and it took forever for Sauraubh to get his bagel, I had a great time and I wish we could all do that more often. Today Russell wanted to get out of my car before we were even in the school driveway, which I found rude the first time and even ruder the second. I know you don't read this, but thank you Sauraubh for staying. As the day wore on I began to get really tired, more so than usual which is weird considering I got over 9 hours of sleep last night. Maybe it was the weird dreams. Foods kind of annoyed me today because I am a firm believer that everyone should help clean up. I apologize if I don't do this all the time, but if someones doing dishes, I try to dry them, or sponge off the counters, or something! I know some people did most of the cooking today, so I understand that, but others did nothing at all, and it really bothered me to be cleaning all alone while they sat around a table talking. I'm making too big of a deal out of this, and I'm actually over it, but if I looked upset in foods, that is why. I'm also beginning to freak out about APs. I need to start studying and I can't get myself to do so. I don't think I'm going to pass APES because I keep failing these FRQs he's giving us. My answers aren't even a page long! I wonder what my parents will do to me if I don't pass. English is also troublesome because I honestly forgot how to write those essays. I just can't do it. I could last year, so I don't know what happened. Ok, I'm off to try to fix this problem, let me know if you have any suggestions or want to form a study group for any of the exams.

my sister's a whore!
Monday, April 28, 2003
i dont know what to write! Dani wants me to take her to tower, but im tired and i have lots of homework. i feel like crying cause dani turned out badly. what did i do wrong? i decided not to capitalize in this entry. dani says im a dumbass and nobody cares. maybe thats true, nobody cares. i did something stupid today... but danis watching meso i cant say what it is... now shes blackmailing me. hmmm she makes a good point, she could just read my blog... shes also full of shit. so i managed to convince myself today that i still have feelings for ryan even tho i dont. Its weird how powerful my mind can be. i was trying to fund an explanation for my jealousy since i was over him, so i pictured this one moment a long time ago in front of my locker when it actually felt like we loved eachother. this happened i think once months ago, sad isn't it? so i pretended i was there agian and started to like him again. isnt that screwed up? well, im over that now, but it was weird. i think my jealousy is just a possession thing, like if i cant have him, nobody else can. but i dont want him, so im confused, o well. i guess i should go take dani to tower.

It's hot... get out?
Sunday, April 27, 2003
Last night was very unproductive: I went to hang out with Matt since was leaving today, but since it was Shabbat, we couldn't drive anywhere. I had the brilliant idea of walking to the book store and bank cause I needed to buy Waiting for Godot and cash a check. Well... the book store didn't have it and the bank was closed, so that sucked. By then it was 7:30 and i didnt want to walk back to his house yet cause I was in pain, so we decided to go see a movie. (By then it was past sundown, so that was allowed). We say Bend it like Beckham which was great. It was histerical which I needed at the moment, and John Rhys Meyers is officially the most beautiful guy I've ever seen. Walkign back was a lot shorter, but my hip hurt. Then I got something in my eye and proceeded for the next 2 hours to try to get it out. Matt didn't believe that anything was there, but when I got home, I found it! It was like a 1 inch hair... sorry that's gross. Today I tried to find a prom dress. Thank you Kimi, Erin, and Annelise for coming with me! I didn't find anything, but I might go back and order the silver dress in my size. It matches Matt's vest and I alredy have shoes to go with it, so that good. I'm really tired, and haven't done any homoework, which is depressing me cause AP exams are coming up. Don't you just think school should go away? We're in college already, why can't it just be done! Call me if you have the answer.

Meh
Saturday, April 26, 2003
Sorry I haven't been updating as often as I have... my life has been pretty boring so thre's nothing to write about. This whole week I've been really happy, but today I'm feeling like crap. I'm not happy at all... I think I put myself in a bad situation and I don't like feelling that I'm stuck. I'm sorry this is really cryptic, but I can't really elaborate. I thought I could just jump into another relationship, but I don't think I can. I need to be on my own for a while. Or maybe that isn't it at all, maybe I don't really like the person, which now I feel like I don't. But I did, and I don't get how it can change so quickly. And now I've backed myself into this corner and there is no way out without seriously hurting someone I care about. Why am I so stupid? Dammit! Anyway, I managed to talk Matt out of wearing an all white tux. He actually got a really nice one: black pants and jacket, white shirt, silver vest with a scarf/tie thing tucked underneath (its called an asscot I think). I don't know why the fact that he has to wear a hat or kipah is bothering me so much. He bought a hat, but I think it makes him look ugly, but then the kipah stands out more. And I hate that he cant come to the dance till after sundown because of his god damn religion! What the hell is my problem, I mean he's flying out here to take me to prom for heaven's sake! but I still have regrets. Maybe I shouldn't have asked him so soon... but then there is no one else for me to go with. I can't believe that after Ryan and I broke up I thought I'd go with him. lol That would never ever happen. Its sad really that he was my best friend, and now when and if we do talk, its very hostile, and I can see that we have absolutely nothing in common. I don't have an feelings when I see him anymore which is great... except for a little chuckle now and then. There might be a little twinge when I read that my friends are hanging out with him, but they are his friends too, so thats not very just. Hmmm... Roma kicked me out of the house today... but I'll write about that later. Anyone want to go prom dress shopping with me tomorrow? I know everyone has their's already, but if you want to come for moral support, I would much appreciate it. Give me a call, and until then, I'll be sitting and hoping to become happy again.

It's good to be home!
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
Wow, I'm finally home... This also means, however, that I'll have to start showing up at school again. Oh well. Guess what!? I decided what college to go to! UC San Diego! I'm so relieved and excited! Puget Sound was ok, but I really don't want to go there. I had a creepy shuttle driver on the way there who was telling me not to walk alone at night cause I might get raped... probably by him!!! I had the same host as 3 other girls, 2 of which were really bizarre. One never stopped talking, and she was either talking about getting drunk, high, hooking up with a guy, or all of the above. The other shared her whole life story within 15 minutes of meeting us. The wheather was really gloomy and people seemed really down. I didn't get that good feeling I got at San Diego. It's better that way. So today I had 2 tests and 1 essay thing... welcome home! But I was feeling really happy, I think I might have actually been smiling! And I got Erin something for her B-day! Happy Birthday Erin! Roma had a break down last night and decided it wasn't her job to help any of us... so my mood might be destroyed when she gets home, but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. :)

Ryan... no not Mynatt... Seacrest
Saturday, April 19, 2003
I went to UC San Diego today. I liked it a lot... better than UCLA. I felt more like I could breathe. The campus is huge, but I like that airy feeling. The small school system sounds good and the programs offered by mine are awesome. The only problem is that I don't think there is a straight guy in the entire Eleanor Roosevelt college... which SUX! You know what's scary, the head of the school is a woman who looks exactly like Eleanor Roosevelt! Creepy. I also saw Ryan Seacrest there and he made fun of my mom, ask me for details if you're curious. I still have Puget Sound to look at, but it feels good to only be down to 2. I also went to temple tonight where they honored the graduating seniors. No one was there! I feel so unloved. A wierd thing happened tho... Matt seemed totally different. He grew up. He kinda grew into his sense of humor and looks, etc. I'm still completely boggled... maybe I'm just crazy. I dunno, but I do know that its 1:30 in the morning and I'm feeling happy, so that's gotta count for something. Call me tomorrow with plans!

Passover sucks!
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
I think I had a good day today. I got to sleep in a little... my orthodontist told me I was doing great even though I never wear my retainer... I got to eat a bagel... I did well on my Stats test... I think I actually smiled today. Missing all this school is gonna catch up with me though, and I haven't dont homework in a while, I'll have to do something about that. I don't like this new arrangement with Ryan either, we don't even smile at eachother anymore when me accidentally make eye cantact. We haven't spoken a word to one another in a week and a half. I really miss talking to him. Funny stuff happens and I want to tell him, but I can't. It's really weird, I wonder if he feels the same way. Tomorrow I'm off to UCSD, then to temple where they're honoring the graduating seniors. Matt is gonna show up dressed as an Orthodox Jew with the top hat and all, isn't that hilarious?! You should all come and see. I told him I'd do something with him after 8 on Saturday cause he can't move before sundown. If anyoe wants to do something before then that would be great! Let me know.

Go Bruins?
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
I visited UCLA today. I think I liked it, but I was too tired to really tell. I asked these girls at lunch to sit with them, and then they made an excuse and got up to move tables. Am I that repulsive? Maybe I smelled funny... I hate feeling this unattractive! So I have a test in APES tomorrow and i don't even know what its on, so I'm not gonna go. I have an orthodontist's appointment, so I'll just go after that. I'm being so bad and missing so much school! I'm gonna miss Friday, Monday, and Tuesday too. So much to make up! Well, at least Ryan will be more ocmfortable and wont be forced to pretend to sleep beneath his beanie. I hate this feeling that I need a guy. no one needs a guy! Someone tell me to stop being stupid. Maybe Ryan can become Ryan from 2002, Ryan who loved me and treated me great... yeah, I should shut-up now... but at least I only miss Ryan 2002 now and not Ryan 2003. Isn't that weird how he changed? Ah! This isn't important! I need to decide what i want to do with the rest of my life and I'm caught up thinking about a guy sometimes resembels a ninja turtle. lol That's pretty funny.

Im so tired!
Monday, April 14, 2003
I got back from Hawaii yesterday around 1 AM. I had to go to school anyway, but thats partly my fault cause I'm so god damn paranoid about missing school. Tomorrow I'm visiting UCLA. Maybe I'll fall in love with it and wont be so confused anymore. When I ask people for their opinion they say one of two things, either definitely go to UCLA, or definitely don't go there. Their comments are always about UCLA, no where else. I'm running out of time and I'm still so lost. On the tiring subject of Ryan, I'm getting a lot better. It almost seems as if my body is trying to work through this through my dreams. They're going through this cycle, fisr wanting him then not, then seeing him with someone else... It almost seems as if they are getting worse. I just want to be over it so we can be friends again! We aren't even talking anymore, barely exchanging a half smile when we accidentally look at eachother in the halls. I hate this! He's still doing that hiding under his beanie and sleeping sitting up thing. It helps a lot cause he's not talking and he looks so ridiculous. I was fostering this hope that his reason for doing this was because he was sad, but I found out today that its not true. I don't think any part of it has to do with sadness. He's just uncomfortable and doesn't know what else to do. I want him to be sad, dammit! I cared about him so much and spent all my energy trying to make him happy and he hurt me! Be sad!!! Sorry... that's kinda mean. Ok, maybe I should do some homework, and maybe not... Oh! It made me really happy to read that Erin missed me when I was gone. I know this is corny, but I'm touched. :)

Aloha... does that mean goodbye too?
Sunday, April 6, 2003
I'm leaving for Hawaii today. I have no idea what to pack and I keep procrastinating, but I'll get it done eventually. The concert was ok last night. I showed up looking really cute so I could make Ryan regret what he had done (pathetic?), but I got too cold before he even got there so I had to go home and change. Sitting there near him was really uncomfortable... I was really cold and I just wanted to go curl up next to him, but of course that's not allowed. Then I went in to watch Brightlife which was nice cause I really like them. I bought a shirt from one of the band memebers, Tim. He was really cute and really nice, but from Santa Barbara... oh well. Then Emma brought me IN&OUt which was good since I hadn't eaten since 1. John showed up and I got to talk to him for a bit. He actually made me feel a lot better. He told me to call him if I ever need anything, and I just might take him up on that. Towards the end of the night Ryan started acting really weird. We went to Higleys and he looked like a cross between pissed off and really sad. He wasn't talking and he kept hiding under his beanie trying to sleep. As awful as this sounds, I actually prefer him that way because it hurts so much to see him happy. I don't want him to be sad, and it probably wasn't entirely me that he was sad about, but it's nice to see sometimes that he's affected by this too. I'll be in Hawaii until next Sunday. Hopefully I'll be a lot happier when I return. Have a great Spring break everyone!

I'm so scared...
Saturday, April 5, 2003
I'm scared again... my breath gets short and then I start to cry. Its so hard not to beg him to take me back. I saved this message that he left me about 2 weeks ago. He merely said "good night beautiful" and that was everything. I keep listening to it and I can't bring myself to erase it. He sounds so happy, so in love... what happened? Someone called me yesterday and hung up and all I can think is what if it was him? I know it wasn't... he's so confident with his decision he said. He said its like the Green Day song: "Its something unpredictable, but in the ends its right, I hope you had the time of your life..." This doesn't feel right, it feels so wrong. I'm going to work at the teen center concert tonight and he's gonna be there. When I see him I know I'll wanna run to him and just jump into his arms and stay there. But he doesn't want me, he's happy now... I'm just so sad, why can't it all be ok again? I just want everything to be ok...

just shut up and go away
Friday, April 4, 2003
I've decided that it would be a lot easier to get over Ryan if he just stopped talking. Has anyone noticed that he never shuts up? Even when he's not being spoken to he always has something to say. It's hard enough sitting by him, but to hear him, constantly, makes it so much worse. It helped today that he was wearing his stupid looking beanie, especially when it was half off. God he looked dumb! I hate that I'm not over him tho... cause I see that he wasn't good to me and that I'm better off without him, but I still want him back so much. I keep dreaming at night that he made a mistake, then I wake up and I'm devastated cause its not true. Its weird, all I want to do is sleep, but I'm almost afraid to. People keep telling me htat I'm too good for him... but then I think "well he dumped me, so what does that say?" Hopefully I'll have fun tonight with my friends and then I can spend all Hawaii forgetting about him. I've also been thinking a lot about prom. I was so set on going with him and now I'm left with no one. I kind of want to go with him as friends, but I don't know if we'll be ok by then. Who knows, maybe I'll meet some great guy... yeah right. I just can't not go to my senior prom... damnit! Why does this have to suck so much?

Another shitty day...
Thursday, April 3, 2003
The good news today is I didn't have another breakdown. I really hope that yesterday I hit rock bottom cause that really scared me. Today I was more angry than depressed. Everytime I talked to Ryan I was reminded of all these bad qualities in him like how he always managed to say the worst possible things when I needed to feel better, or how he always seemed to put everything ahead of me on his list of priorities, or how I would get really scared when he would get angry cause I thought he'd yell again, and how god damn ugly his turtle sweatshirt is... This is kind of a double edged sword as he would put it because on the one hand anger is a lot easier to deal with then sadness and hurt, but then I start questioning how and why I put up with all that. How I could have been so in love with someone who treated me like crap. Erin brought up a good point today... I had told her that just hugging him made everything go away, but she reminded me that he'd give me something else to be upset about by the next class. I really wasn't happy because I needed him to traet me like I was important, like I mattered more, but he didn't. I'm getting really close to accepting that I don't want him back, so now I just need to work on filling that void. I kept saying how he had become my best friend, but he can't be that now because he doesn't know how to make me feel better. He did that before by being there in the form aof my boyfriend who supposedly loved me, but that's gone. Unless he develops some helping skills, I can't even look foreward to that. And then there's the whole Erin situation... I hated that I couldn;t help much today, but as she understands, its hard to help others when your so utterly consumed with your own problems. So I'm gonna attempt to help now by shedding some light on the situation. If this makes it worse, I'm sorry, that's truly not my intention. First of all, I'm sorry this all had to be brought upon her now, she really doesn't need this. Who the hell would tell you all your friends are mad at you when your depressed? I guess that doesn't matter anymore, but it still pisses me off. I think there are 2 reasons that people are upset, one or the other or a combination: One is just jealousy, Erin has the perfect relationship with a close to perfect guy and that's gonna make anyone jealous. The other reason is the feeling of being put second. Obvioulsy her friends are going to be second considering how in love she is with Jason... she wants to spend the rest of her life with him for heaven's sake... but it's how far second thats bothersome. The answer to this problem is not to count all the times she didn't go somewhere, or left early, the answer is to show her friends that she cares about them, even when Jason is there. I hope this helped...

I'm so miserable!
Wednesday, April 2, 2003
I don't know whats worng with me. Yesterday I was fine, and then while I was shopping with my mom, this wave of depression came over me. I got really tired and couldn't think straight anymore. I got homw and crawled in bed and waited for Ryan to call. I kept falling asleep imagining that he wanted to get back together. Then i would realize it wasn't real and get really scared. Today I freaked out when he walked into break and had to leave the cafeteria. He kept looking up and giving me this "I'm sorry and I hope you feel better but I'm not gonna do any thing to help cause I'm fine" smile. And things are so god damn awkward, we can't even talk to one another. I can't breathe sometimes cause I'm so scared of not being able to talk to him and of him not being there. I can't sleep without dreaming aobut him and I can't do any work. I'm so stupid... I keep thinking that he can help me and make it all go away. I actually called him, he wasn't even good at making me feel better when we were together, let alone after he dumped me. He kept talking aobut how he has replaced me with John, so hes not lonely, and how hes so damn confident that he made the right decision. He said hes sorry I dont have soemone like John, but it cant be him. He barely acted sympathetic. I don't get it, he claims to love me as a friend, but it seems like hes trying to get me to hate him. I feel completely alone, and I know I have friends, but I still feel that way. And I have to cook me final for foods and read 2 chapers for econ, and write and essay... and all I want to do is sleep. You know what's ironic? Ryan now has the motivation to do all his work and work out to gain weight and do all the stuff I wanted him to do. He must be so relieved to be rid of me. I still don't understand how love can just fade away... he treated me like crap and I still loved him. I still love him now and theres no reason to, he doesnt love me! I'm just so unhappy... I want to be ok, I just want to be happy again.

Life sux!
Monday, March 31, 2003
I hated today... I still hate today. Last night I finally pretty much decided what college I was going to go to, Brandeis. My parents said they could afford it and I was gonna visit on Wednesday... but then I wake up this morning and my dad informs me that there's been a mistake. What we thought was financial aid was actually money that we have to pay. They gave me nothing, thus we can't afford it and I'm back to ground zero in the college decision making process. To make it worse, I immediately wanted to go hug Ryan so he could make it all better, but guess what? I CAN"T!!! I feel so lost without him... I don't know what to do. I thought I'd be ok today when I saw him, but I immediately broke down in tears and had to run out of the room. How pathetic. SSR was nice and awkward too. I hate this! And then in foods Erin was looking at wedding gowns talking about how she was gonna marry Jason... I know she didn't mean to upset me but it was kinda a slap in the face... saying that shes gonna marry her boyfriend when mine just dumped me. oNce again, I know she didnt mean it that way! Then I decided I wanted to try to talk to Ryan, so I offered him a ride home, against the advice of many. It was weird, but it didn't make anything worse, actually... it might have made things better cause he told me that he got sad sometimes too, even though he appeared so happy. He actually handeled the break-up really well, and as much as I'm hurting, I admire him for that. So I started feeling a little better, but then I got home and all my rejection letters were waiting for me. Then a wave of depression/exhaustion settled over me so I didn't go to dinner with my family. I should have but I feel like shit. Yeah, I'll end that way, I feel like shit.

all you need is friends
Sunday, March 30, 2003
I love my friends, they're so great! Knowing what a horrible state I was in, Kimi arranged a sort of girls night-in for me. She and Annelise baked me brownies and a cheescake, and Diana and Emma made a rhubarb/apple pie. I also brouhgt ice cream and cookies, so along with the ice cream Kimi and Annelise bought, we had a lot of gooooooood food. We watched Velvet Goldmine which really disturbed me. It was not the right movie for the mood I was in. I was even grossed out by naked Ewan, so you know I was in a weird mood! Periodically during the movie I would sneak away to the bathroom and cry... eventually Emma caught me and then I was cornered with four girls watching me cry. But then we had a big group hug, so it was funny. Then we all sat around the fire to talk, which is what I really needed. I was able to tell my closest friends what I was feeling, and they all tried to help by relating their own experiences. I think what helped the most was people telling me how I appeared when I was with him. Even though our dates were some of the best times I've ever had, the truth is I wasn't happy most of the time. I have too many people to take care of, so I need a boyfriend who can at least take care of himself, possible even me (what a concept!). I sensed that Kimi wanted to say more, so Kimi I'm here any time you want to talk! I miss Ryan sooooo much, and I'm probably gonna continue loving him for a long time, but I know I'm gonna be ok. I just have to make to transition from being in love with him to loving him as a friend, as my best friend... but nothing can ever replace my girl friends. I love you all! Thank you for everything.

Rejection Rejection Rejection
Saturday, March 29, 2003
Rejection #1- Berkeley Rejection #2- Pomona (I was WAIT listed) Rejection #3- Ryan Yep, thats right, I got dumped... for the second time! I guess I failed that god damn test of his. I called him last night on the way to Monica's house cause I wanted to tell him how I was feeling. I asked him if he was finished with his test yet, and I don't remember whether he said yes or no, but it led to him alluding to the fact that he no longer loved me. So I got really scared and asked if I could come over. On the way I was hyperventilating, crying, talking to myself, I think I lost it. I got there and he basically told me that he no longer has any romantic love for me, that he is only interested in me for friendship. He said that the other night after we had made out, etc. he felt guilty cause there was no feeling behind it for him. I love him so much and I don't understand how his love can just die away. I don't want it to be over... I want to still be able to talk to him every night and look foreward to class ending so I can see him, I want to be able to hug him whenever I want, I want him to hug me...it can't be over! We were gonna go out to night and it was gonna be great, we were gonna go to prom together, we were gonna have to perfect summer... What's wrong with me? Why does everyone only want to be my friend. I don't even hate him either, I'm not even that mad... I'm just so incredibly hurt. I hate that I can't call him tonight, and that I wont be able to walk to class with him... Why do I always have to get hurt? He's my best friend and I can't lose that... I can't. Ok, I can't see the screen anymore throught the tears, so I'm gonna go. Someone please call me if they're doing anything tonight!!!

Rejection
Saturday, February 23, 2002
I got rejected from Berkeley today. They weren't even nice about it either. Instead of the usual "We regret to inform you...", they had huge bold black writing taking up half the page saying ADMISSION DENIED. I think that sux. I'm ok though... I'm very disappointed because it was kin of my first choice... but I'm not crying or anything. I needed to get rejected from somewhere.... I'll write later.

damn Josh Hartnett!
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
I hate the fact that I'm such a girl! I have to read into everything taht Ryan does! He doesn't come to break...I interpret he doesn't want to be with me. He doesn't like going out to lunch...I think he doesn't was to be with me. And he wont say anything the make me think otherwise, no matter how ridiculous I'm being. I guess he does say stuff, maybe he doesn't say it enough. I'm being so stupid! I've just been so paranoid ever since he broke up with me. Before, I took things for granted in a way because I guess I thought he liked me more than I liked him or something, so I was safe. But now it really feels like its the other way around. I guess I'm being taught my lesson or something. The other night we watched 40 days and 40 nights... its that movie about going without sex or anything sexual for lent. Anyway, I noticed today that he hasn't kissed me in a while, so I ask him about it figuring again that I'm just reading too far into things. He tells me that he's decided to stop being intimate with me for some time to see if his love is real and not just lust. What the hell?! Who does that? It just makes me think that he must be questioning his love cause why else would he do it? I'm so nervous that he's gonna realize he doesn't love me. I asked him what he would do if that happened, and he said then we'd break up. Oh great, now I'm crying again. I'm so confused. I feel like screaming! No one else has to go through crap like this...Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

bitter sweet
Monday, March 24, 2003
I got into Brandeis University today! Plus, I got some financial aid statements. University of Washington will only give me loans, but Brandeis will give me $22,000 and Puget Sound is offering $26,000, leaving me only $9,000 to pay, And I have $2,000 dollars from the governor. It's too good to be true. What a relief though. Roma explained her bitchiness from the other day... she really doesn't want me to go to school far away so she was trying to get me to stay by not letting me visit and talking about prestige and location. She realized thats its not her place to decide where I go and that she needs to let go. I'm glad that's all cleared up and that she had positive motives behind it all. Despite all this good news I'm really upset for Erin. I think its really awful that she's in this situation, but I know that she'll make it work. She's too intelligent not to. I just wish there was some way I could help, but I know there isn't. Maybe I could convince her mom to let her take out a loan...hmmm... Oh! Kimi, my page is still screwed up. Is there a way to fix it?

Ahhhhhh!
Sunday, March 23, 2003
Sometimes I really can't stand Roma... Ever since I got into the Washington schools, I've been planning with my dad when I'm going to go up there and visit them again. Last time I went it was during the summer so there were barely and students and no classes to attend. I figured by going again I could talk to some current students, go to a class, see the actual weather, etc. I even decided just to go back to Puget Sound because University of Washington is too expensive for a public school. Anyway, so I mention my plannes visit to Roma today and she basically says that I'm not going. First she said that I could trust myself to make the right decision. What the hell does that mean?! I want to visit in order to make the right decision! Then she talks about how prestige is more important than my happiness, which is the exact opposite of what my dad's been telling me. Then she starts dropping hints that they can pay for a private school, ONLY IF THE PRIVATE SCHOOL IS POMONA!!! She kept telling me to think about weather and location, weather and location. Meaning no Washington and no Boston. I hate when she does this! She tries to make me feel stupid for wanting to do the things I want to do, so then I usually back down. Not any more, I'm sick of it! I talked to Ryan about the Alex thing and he was fine with it so I had coffee with him today, except I don't drink coffee. It was nice to catch up and get some things cleared up. Then I went to see Boat Trip with Ryan. It was funny/disturbing, I'm not sure if I would recommend it. Ryan kept hiding every time they showed a man's ass or two men kissing, it was mildly annoying. Then we had dinner at my apartment and watch 40 days and 40 nights; it was a fun, nice evening. It's really late! I'm not looking foreward to tomorrow. It's going to be filled with lots of homeowrk and scholarship essays! :(

because you can can can!
Saturday, March 22, 2003
Yesterday was so much fun. I love doing things out of the ordinary. Kimi, Diana, Emma, Shaun, May, and I went to see Moulin Rouge at midnight in Westwood. Diana convinced me to dress up in her garter belt and a very short skirt. You all should have seen it! Nicole looked like a whore! lol So we get there and no one is dressed up! And of course Diana and Emma brought a change of clothes...but not me...so that was funny. I didn't even try to get the discount! Oh well. The movie part was fun, people were singing along and making funny comments, and throwing things assigned to us for particular scenes. It was great. So anyway, I have a bit of a dilemma. I ran into Alex yesterday for almost the first time in 2 years. It was kinda weird and awkward cause I didn't recognize him right away, but I thought, it doesn't matter, I'll probably never see him again. But then I get home and guess who calls!? We talked for a while and caught up and it wasn't that awkward, so that was good. But then he says he wants to go get coffee today. I told him I'd have to ask Ryan if it was ok. I think Alex just wants a friend and I'd be happy to go talk to him, but I don't want to do it if Ryan will be uncomfortable. I guess we dated 2 years ago, but it was only for about 2 weeks. Hmmm, I guess I'll just have to ask Ryan, and hopefully no badness ensues. OOOOO, Jessica told me I reminded her of Rory from Gilmore Girls yesterday. :) I love that show, when is it coming back!?

huh?
Friday, March 21, 2003
OK, Im completely an utterly confused. I don't know what html is, or an url, but maybe if I write something, it'll work anyway. I was thinking about what kinds of things I would write on my "blog". Most of my dilemas are things that I talk to my friends about all day, so reading about them may seem redundant. I guess thats not my fault, this wasn't my idea in the first place! Kimi...hehe. And I don't think I'm capable of funny like May, so that's out. I'm left with repetitive and not funny. Oh, also I'm paranoid about misspelling everything, so I'm just apologizing ahead of time. Let's see...what to say... I'm going to see Moulin Rouge tonight with Kimi, Emma, and hopefully May and Diana. I heard Shaun was coming, but I was really looking foreward to this being an all girl thing, so I don't know what to do. It turns out it's in Westwood which is kinda annoying cause Glendale is so much more convenient. Oh well. I dont; know what I'm gonna wear... I was gonna go get my boustie thing from Roma's, but thats too much trouble, so I'm thinking aa see-through white shirt with a red or balck bra and either pin-stripe pants or a skirt with fishnets. I got into UCSD today! Its very exciting cause thats one that I was seriously considering attending. now I'm all confused tho and I don't know where I want to go. I've been really lucky in the fact that I've only gotten acceptance letters, but that makes the decision al the more confusing. So far its UC Davis, UCLA, University of Puget Sound, University of Washington, and UCSD. People have been telling me bad things about the Washington schools,and I intially didnt want to go to LA or Davis, but I'm so lost. Puget Sound was looking good for a while but then I heard that Jusitn might be going there and that all they do there is smoke pot. I know some may say that it doesnt matter if he goes there, but IT MATTERS TO ME!!! Ok, I have to go clean the house now for Dani... I shouldn't do it cause she's such a bitch to me... but I will anyway. Why am I so nice? Everyone hold your breath... this might not work...

huh?
Friday, March 21, 2003

no, i won't...
Thursday, March 6, 2003
hey nicole...

this is the beginning of your blog. i still have to add to it to make it better, but this is kind of a feel for what it's going to look like. what do you think? i know you don't want one til later, but you can always save it til then. i can change the theme and backgrounds if you want.

-Kimi

Kimi
Annelise

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