Friday, September 21, 2001

09:22 p.m.

Today was pretty much a terrible day....well i think it's safe to say that the past week has been miserable. I'm depressed again which just makes me angry. And no one enjoys it when i'm angry. But unfortunately i can't do anything about it. I think it's obvious that i have some slight chemical imbalance....(maybe not, i don't know)

I needed alittle time to be alone today. Just some time to think. I'm feeling pretty worthless. I hate to say it but when i get this way i have a tendency to do things to myself that i probably shouldn't.(i really don't care anymore) That's just the mood i've been in. (so what do you think about that??)...

Yuki say's that she doesn't understand what there is for me to be depressed about...well she won't ever understand. Until she can live in my place for a week...It's not as easy to explain as you may think. Don't think i purposely go to school just to make everyone uncomfortable. I try to keep to myself for just that reason but apparently that's even worse than just whining about my problems.

Writing is just making me feel worse. It's strange though....one minute i can be extremely angry and the next i'll be in a good mood. I'm trying my hardest to not be so quick to temper but i think my low, low, low self esteem has alittle to do with it as well as my family situation (sometimes)

I think i have talked too much about my problems. I really don't like to share my feelings, i'd prefer that no one else knew what i'm thinking. But i do not want to come off as pathetic either..."oh poor me, everyone pay attention to me, i'm so sad..." that's how i think i sound, but i'm not trying to act that way. I don't care what other people think i don't need their pitty. I'm just writing for my own sake. And thus, the reason why i never vent my feelings infront of others. (But i guess it's too late now.)

I think it's about time i baked some misery muffins. (i like to bake when i'm upset it makes me feel better)Or maybe i'll go write more of my stupid LAREINE fanfiction...(what to do about "roni-night"??)

To go off course...i have to work 8 hours tomorrow. and that will definitly not put me in a better mood. But my brother went away to Boston for the weekend so that's one good thing. I'll just try to sleep away my sorrows so that next week i can go without one day of having my head explode all over the place or without feeling like dropping dead in the art room.

If i'm lucky my new Pierrot Dictator's Circus V and Malice Mizer videos will come tomorrow. That will make me REALLY HAPPY for sure!

~ ishiko

Saturday, September 15, 2001

10:43 a.m.

I really despise group projects. But of course what would school be like without them. In English our teacher clearly stated that she likes to do projects that go alone with every book we read. Last week we finished Beowulf...so now the fun starts. (i didn't know what i was getting into) She asked if anyone could draw. I raised my hand (so did a few others) and she split the entire class into groups based on who could draw. giving us a certain topic from Beowulf we have to make an illustration due on Monday that depicts the "real" aspects of the scene. (our group has Beowulf's Funeral) So now i have to go and find out all this crap on the vikings so i can draw a damn picture for my group. (i prefer not to draw vikings)This is just a huge pain because i have no clue where to start with this picture. (and i'd like it not to suck....) I'm planning on sulking all day long until it gets done.

While i'm here working Beth and Yuki are going to "somewhere" today to look for material and stuff to finish the LAREINE costumes we're going to wear for our senior photos. (Plus i hope that they will be able to find me something nice to wear for "Malice Mizer Monday" *hahaha*) -

~ ishiko

Thursday, September 13, 2001

06:18 p.m.

With help from Yuki and Beth my hair is now a nice shade of reddish-brown. I'm very pleased with the results (you guys did a good job) and now i'm in a very very goooood mood. I'm allitle bit closer to having my hair look like KAMIJO's. (Just needs to be more blonder.)

I should be doing my English homework (questions about Beowulf) but unfortunately i'm having much more fun downloading and listening to songs from the Gackt Mars album. (now that i finally found it) I have to make Beth a cd to tide her over till she can buy some Gackt merchandise of her own. Oops i just remembered that i have to study for Psychology too. (well actually that's not such a big deal...i know that stuff, i'm not studying)

I wish that the planes would start up again....(bastard terrorists) but i'd like to get some mail and send some mail to far away places soon. Now i must return to my downloading.

Malice Mizer has nothing to do with anything i just wrote about....but i really like that picture.

~ ishiko

Monday, September 10, 2001

07:03 p.m.

*sob* i've been on the search for one single Gackt song and i can't find it anywhere to download it. It's Emu ~ For My Dear....i love love love that song and it's been stuck in my head for a long time now. I'd buy that Mars cd just to have that one song. (ahhhhh..i'm watching the music video now. but it's not the same i want the song to so i can take it all over the place with me....)

- Totsuzen no deai eno kokoro kara no yorokobi to,
"Itsushika owaru kamoshirenai..."
sonna kankaku ni obiete
Soshite hitomi wo mitsumeteta
Nanimo wakarazuni

Doredake no omoide mo yume no youna maboroshi de,
Itsumademo kawaru koto no nai tojikomerareta kimi ga iru
Ima mo hitomi wo mitsumeteta
Nanimo kawarazuni

Te wo nobaseba todoiteta hohoemi wa hakanakute
Me wo tojireba ude no naka de kieteyuku kimi wo
Mou ichido dakitakute
Ano toki, ano basho de deatta koto wo wasurenai
kara...wasurenai kara...

Kaze no naka de odoru kimi no sugata wa
Hikari ni tsutsumareteita

Kimi dake wo mitsumeteta
Boku wa itsumademo mitsumeteta
Imamo kimi dake wo mitsumeteru
Nanimo owarazuni

Te wo nobaseba todoiteta hohoemi wa setsunakute
Me wo tojireba yume no naka e kieteyuku kimi wo
Mou ichido dakitakute
Ano toki, ano basho de deatta koto wo wasurenai kara...

Wasurenai kara..."

On another note ~ i'm painting a picture of "my best friend", Klaha. It's an oil painting and i think that it's quite pretty at the moment. I'm really glad that i actually like it. I want to finish it right now but if i do i won't have anything to do in art tomorrow. I still have to do my "stamp" of the Pierrot Eye. It's always fun to relate jrock to every project that you do. ~_^

~ ishiko

Sunday, September 9, 2001

01:33 p.m.

I feel like writing today but i don't really have anything important to say. I'm just sitting around downloading and watching my Gackt video again. I can't wait till Yuki, Beth and i get to order more jrock stuff from cdjapan. I get to order my birthday present too. *yay* My mom figures it'd be easier to order it with the other stuff, even though my birthday isn't till October. That's okay i won't mind an early gift. I'm also in the process of getting 2 semi-used LAREINE cds from a nice person in Malaysia. I have to send the money out tomorrow.
I had alot of reading this weekend...i had to find an author for English. So that i can read three books by him throughtout the course of the year. He/she had to be for Britain or one of it's colonies. I chose Salman Rushdie. And i'm reading Haroun and the Sea of Stories. So far it's a really good book...(i'm just glad that S.R. isn't a terrible author, since i do have to read 2 more novels) There's this man in the book whose name is Rashid Khalifa but when ever i read his last name i read "Klaha"....haha so that's that.

~ ishiko

Thursday, September 6, 2001

10:19 p.m.

*yawn* Well it took me a whole 'nother day to actually complete that terrible Lain American Civ. essay. I finished that and studied for my Pshychology and English tests. All before 9:00pm. Now i'm just bored again. (just like always) I'm supposed to be drawing a picture of Beth (all cute and pink) for one of my art assignments. But yet again i'm at a loss.....i'm no longer in a drawing mood. They come and go. At this rate i have a strong feeling that EPICA is slowly going nowhere. (Yuki don't get mad...it's not my control. I want to draw it but i don't. Because i can't.)It's sad, really. To digress completely...i've watched my LAREINE videos alot today and i'm back in my old LAREINE kick once again. (ah! *rips out hair* my brother just showed up long enough to yell at me for being online, i'm really getting fed up with him and his bad tabacco smell. It makes me want to die. He's such a jerk. And he just ruined my mood.)I don't even feel like finishing what i was saying before.

~ ishiko

Wednesday, September 5, 2001

08:20 p.m.

Bonjour Honey! It's been a little while since i have last written anything. (i'm watching my new Gackt - Mars Live video....hehehe...it's alittle distracting) So school has started once again. All my classes are rather boring.....but the good thing is that i can come home during my lunch period as well as any studies i have. *blah* technically i'm supposed to be finishing *achem* starting an essay for my Latin American Civilization course buuuuuuttttt i really don't want to do it right now. It isn't due till Friday, i have some time. Besides i'd prefer to look for a new picture of any jrocker that i can paint for art. And i'm uploading Malice Mizer - Gekka for Yuki to put on Beth's new cd. la la la....i need more jrock....actually i neeed to do my homework first.

~ ishiko

Friday, August 31, 2001

11:07 p.m.

Today i am oficially an aunt. *wow* who would have guessed? My eldest brother, Justin called home this afternoon to say that his girlfriend had had her baby. I'm really very happy for them. The baby's name is Caleb. My mom got the news first and wrote a note for me to see when i got home from school. Unfortunately i had to go to work but my mom showed up around 4:30 and said that she was going up to Concord to see Justin, Lisa, and the new baby. Because my boss is nice he let me leave too. (which was good because i really didn't want to work at all...the girl i was working with was very annoying and hard to deal with) So to make a semi-long story shorter...i got to see Caleb and he was very very cute. (he had this blue hat with rabbits on it. It even had little rabbit ears on the top..kawaii) *yawn* i'm tired so that ends my tale.
I still have to go to work tomorrow too. But my cdjapan order should be arriving shortly (hope tomorrow) so that will make up for working. (oh yeah and i fially archived my stuff. I wanted to wait for the month to be over first...close enough)

~ ishiko